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Marriage & Parenting

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that Ask the Counselor section is going to hold its next counseling live session on October 6th at 06:00 GMT/ 9:00 Makkah time.

If you have any question related to marriage, parenting, or mental health, feel free to submit it during the session on this page or send it prior to [email protected]

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Questions get answered during the session by our counselor, sister Hannah Morris.

The service is completely anonymous!

Thursday, Oct. 06, 2016 | 09:00 - 11:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-Salamu Alaykum. My question is related to a woman who had an affair with another person after marriage. Besides that she feels guilty for her mistake and wants to repent, she also feels scared of her husband that he will get to know about it and leave her. What should she do?



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam,

 

Yes, indeed, this woman has committed a big sin and must repent for what she has done. She must repent to Allah (swt) with sincerity, truly feeling sorry for the sin she has committed, and take every measure she can to ensure that it will never happen again. Allah (swt) is the Most Forgiving and will forgive any sin if the person repents and stays away from committing the sin every again. Should be confident in Allah’s (swt) forgiveness but should not become complacent.

 

The mistake has already been made and there is nothing that can be done to erase it, but there will inevitably be consequences, beginning with the guilt that she is feeling now. That feeling of guilt towards both her husband and Allah (swt) should provide some kind of motivation at least to abstain from such an act again as well as doing everything she can to ensure that it doesn’t even get to the point where it would be possible.

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Allah (swt) gives us spouses to have our various needs met, and often there are times when one spouse will feel like they are not having some kind of need met, be it emotional or physical. his might lead them seeking to have this need met elsewhere. If we are to live by Islamic principles, then this should never happen. If there are issues in a marriage where such needs aren’t being met, then their needs to be conversation between the couple. If they are unable to do so, then they can seek an outside party to mediate for them, but this conversation needs to take place to ensure each partner is having their needs met in the appropriate way by the other partner. If this does not happen, then this is what leads to affairs. I know you state that this is necessarily the case here but is commonly the cause of affairs so is useful to keep in mind for the future if such an issue should arise that makes either partner feel the need to search outside of the marital relationship.

 

Aside from seeking assistance and talking about issues within the marriage it is also important for both parties to ensure that they adhere to Islamic rulings that prevent such things from happening, i.e. free mixing. Islamically, men and women who are not halal for each other should never be alone together, because Shaytan becomes the third party and, in cases like this, tempts them to commit a sin with each other. If men and women adhere to this ruling and never allow themselves to be alone together, then the situation of an affair becomes physically impossible. If this woman is truly repentant and does everything she can to ensure that she is never alone with a non-mahram male again in the future then an affair can never happen again and Allah (swt) can be sure that she truly is repentant for her previous sin.

 

May Allah (swt) forgive her and guide her on the straight path.


Salaam. I just wanted to know how you deal with people who treated you badly in the past and continue to spread rumors about you. This girl bullied me and even though we no longer live close to each other, I hear from others that she lies about me. It really annoys me. Weirdly, she has a false reputation as a good person so people believe her. It just eats me up that she treats me like this and it affects me, yet she isn't affected at all. Sometimes, I think what goes around comes around, but right now it really hurts.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

Bullying is no doubtedly an unacceptable behaviour and should not be tolerated. Of course, bullying on any level hurts so there is no wonder why you are feeling distressed about the situation. Alhamdulillah, Islam teaches us many ways in which we can deal with this type of behaviour.

 

Firstly, remember that you are not the one that is accountable for her behaviour, but you are accountable for how you respond to it. Allah (swt) sees her attitudes and behaviour and judge her by her intentions and actions, so you don’t need to worry about responding back in a negative way. If you keep in mind that Allah (swt) is the most just, then you can find comfort in the fact that her behaviour is not going unrecorded.

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You must also remember that whilst He (swt) will judge her for what she is doing, He (swt) will also judge you, so it is for you to respond in the most appropriate way. Allah (swt) tells us in the Qur’an to respond with evil with that which is better, so at the very least, simply not responding to her at all, and not rising to her insults is responding to an evil act with something that is better. It will show Allah (swt) that you are being patient and controlling yourself during testing times by not responding to her, especially in terms of guarding your tongue which we are told is one of the most difficult parts of our body to control. By remembering Allah (swt) in your transactions, this will become a whole lot easier.

 

What makes the situation all the more difficult is that she is involving other people too by spreading false rumours. However, those that are good people amoungst them will know that whatever she is saying, whether they believe it or not, is backbiting and is unacceptable in Islam and will reject what she is saying anyway. This is a useful way for you to also know which of these people are good and not by how they respond to an act that goes against the principles of Islam, so amongst all the negativity, there is some benefit in it.

 

May Allah (swt) keep you strong in these times of distress and bring you comfort in the knowledge that you are responding in a way that is pleasing to Him (swt).

 

Salam,


Salam. I am a graduate in dental surgery. Now, I want to apply for some post-graduation program, but every time I do istikharah for any admission program, I have to back off, because istikharah isn’t in favor. It has been a year since I graduated and now most of my friends have started something. I am not competing with them nor am I craving for their achievements, but it is quite depressing for me to sit back. It’s like something pull me down and drowning me into nothingness. What should I do if istikharah isn’t in favor? Should I still strive or just sit back?



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam,

 

If you have made istikharah and Allah (swt) has guided you in a way that is not the way you had thought, then you should still be content with this because He (swt) knows better than you. Allah (swt) is the best of planners, and if He (swt) does not want you to follow this path, then He (swt) has better plans for you. It is for you to be patient for when Allah (swt) will put other opportunities on your path.

 

Its very easy to feel despair when things don’t go the way we want, and I’m sure if you think back to times gone by when you have desired to do something but things didn’t go to plan, there was always something even better waiting for you that you did not even anticipate. You would now look back to that time and say Alhamdulilah as you realise that things worked out a whole lot better than you had planned because Allah (swt) gave you something better. It is often useful when faced with a situation like you do to look back at times when similar things have happened in the past and have actually turned out well despite the test you faced with it during the moment of crisis.

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It can be particularly frustrating in a situation like your own where it is that you see your friends seemingly moving on whilst you feel like you are left behind, but as a Muslim we should be happy for the success of our fellow brothers and sisters and wish the best for them, praying for them what you pray would happen for yourself. You can find happiness in their on happiness.

 

Also, don’t forget that life is more than just your career. There are many other aspects of life to consider, too. It maybe that they are progressing with their career, but not in other aspects where you are and they are looking to you and happy for your own situation.

 

There is nothing stopping you from continuing to strive. If this is not that you are to pursue a postgraduate programme, there are plenty of other things you can be striving towards, even if it is a hobby or some kind of other personal goal. We all need to keep striving in one way or another to keep being motivated and move forward in life. Sitting back doing nothing will not give us this drive. If nothing else, we must remain driven to increase our faith, and if sitting back from your career gives you the time and space to do so, then this is a blessing. You can use this time to increase your acts of worship, learn more about Islam, and get closer to Allah (swt).

 

May Allah (swt) bring you comfort during this time, and may He (swt) guide you to do what is best for you.

 

Salam,


I am 24. I was in a relationship for 3 years with a guy who left me recently. I love him still and I only asked him in my prayers. Still he comes in my prayers to be my future spouse. When he broke up with me after having a fight, I needed emotional support, so I contacted my cousin. He had feelings for me from the beginning, and he got really happy. However I didn't share my personal affair with him since he is my relative and he can disclose me publicly. Secondly, he is an emotional guy. I have no feelings for my cousin, but when I was extremely depressed, his warm, caring words was like a hug to me. He expressed his feelings. I am a person who can't say no to anybody. At that time, I said yes to every of his feelings. However, I talked to him only for a week. Daily, I used to call him and he was getting more close to me. Now, he does not let me go. He is interested to marry me in the future once he gets a job. However, my first experience brought feelings of distrust for the opposite gender. I want to excel in career now rather than in relationships. During my emotional pain, he took swears from me that I would stay with him. Naturally, people feel at peace when someone has kind and loving words for them after a heartbreak. But in heart, I was scared as I am not interested in family relations due to many factors. But the main factor is I don't trust emotional guys who get attached in a week to someone. Due to my isolation and heartbreak, His fanatic words scares me. He asked me whether I would have sex with him before marriage so that I would not be someone else's in the future. I got disturbed a lot. When today I clearly said that I was not interested in you in the future, he took 10 lexitenol tablets and was crying in the call that I would start using drugs and destroy my life if I went away. Please tell me what should I do. Please help me deal with him. He does not listen to any of my excuses; however, I clearly said that I had no feelings and his acts scared me a lot. I don't like over obsessed people. I don't know how to deal with him. Should I change my number silently? I am scared that if he harmed himself, then I would be liable for his life. He madly says that he wants me only. Please help me!



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

It is understandable why you feel distressed in this situation, especially because you have now been involuntarily forced into a position where you literally feel responsible for this man’s life. It is not right that he has put you in this position. You might consider letting someone know of his suicidal intentions to begin releasing this burden from yourself because for someone to have reached the point where they feel like this, it is important that he seeks help. If he receives the help that he needs right now, then he might also stay away from you as he gets the comfort he needs from halal means.

 

Furthermore, it is not ok for him to make you feel like you must marry him because you do not have to marry anyone against your wishes, and you do clearly state that you do not wish to pursue a marriage to him. He wanted you to engage in a haram act with him which is never a good sign of a healthy future relationship anyway because he is quite happy to encourage haram and, therefore, there is a risk that he may encourage you to engage in other haram acts in the future.

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However, to take things back, after having gone through a distressing time and breaking up with someone whom you were in a relationship with, you sought comfort from your cousin. You say that it was like a hug to you, and naturally when going through a difficult time, any kind words from anyone will feel like this. If we go about seeking this comfort from the wrong person (i.e. someone from the opposite sex), then often inappropriate feelings will begin to develop. It seems this is the case, but not for you, but for cousin who you approached.

 

Obviously, we can’t go back in time and change things, but we can learn lessons from such mistakes. It would seem that you were in a haram relationship as you were having a relationship with someone before marriage which, from an Islamic perspective, is not acceptable. Then you sought council from another man when things were not going ok, which has also not ended up well. I think, you can learn from these two experiences why engaging in relations with members of the opposite sex outside of marriage can be harmful. Whilst its not possible to go back and change this, you can repent for these actions, avoid ending up in this situation again, and seek marriage in a halal way. This way, you will be able to have all your emotional and physical needs met in the appropriate way, most importantly in a way that is pleasing to Allah (swt).

 

For now, it is advisable that you refrain from contacting these two men as they are both currently haram to you. If you feel like you need emotional support, which you most likely do, due to the distressing nature of the situation you are in, you can seek this from another sister, either someone close like a friend or family member who can give you the support you need right now or even from sisters online if this is not something you are comfortable to talk to them about right now. You can seek comfort in the remembrance of Allah (swt) by engaging in meaningful activities like reading the Qur’an and making dhikr and making du’aa’ that He (swt) will guide you out of this situation.
May Allah (swt) help your cousin to overcome his distress, and may He (swt) bring you ease in this distressing situation. May He (swt) grant you a pious spouse that will bring you comfort and happiness.

 

Amin,


Salaam. I am a 19 years old girl. I was in a relationship with a boy 4 years ago. He was my classmate, but we crossed our limits one year ago and now my family doesn't want me to marry him. I cannot deny my parents as they are the sweetest parents Allah can bless me with. Almost my entire my family, my relatives and friends know my past. I know I have done a major sin and I regret it now. My question is that will my sins be forgiven? Will my past haunt me? I didn’t know I was playing with my life here and in the hereafter. Can I be a good wife anymore? I want to be a good person and a good wife. I feel like I was cheating my future husband. I didn’t even think things would end up this way. Please help me.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam sister,

 

In the teenage years, we become more vulnerable to overstepping such limits due to hormones and curiosity. Unfortunately, many people, like you, go ahead and do so much which they regret later in life for a number of reasons. The most important thing here is that you do feel bad about it because you now know that this was not an acceptable behaviour. Whilst you can’t go back and change what has happened, you can sincerely repent to Allah (swt) and, as we know, He (swt) will forgive everything, in sha’ Allah, as long as you repent with full sincerity and do not repeat the act again. The negative feelings you have towards the events that took place should also help you to stay clear of such again. It is this level of repentance that makes you a good person and puts you in a good position to be a good wife in the future.

 

Your family are wise to be against the idea that you move forward with a marriage to him since the relationship was built on a haram relationship and, therefore, they likely fear the risk of the way such a relationship would continue. So, take time to think of it from their perspective, too. They are able to view the situation from more rational eyes that is not distorted by any feelings towards this man. Naturally, after having such an intimate relationship with him, you will have the desire to take it further and marry him, but your family are able to see the dangers of this from a view that does have the same kind of emotional attachment to this man that you do.

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The guilt of your actions may continue to bother you for some time, especially if you remain in the mind set that you will be cheating your future husband, but you do have the chance to make things right again by repenting. It is up to you if you disclose these past events to you future husband. It is for you to weigh up if you would rather disclose your past and risk causing hard feelings for him towards you because of it, but feel comfortable that you have been open about your past. Or maybe you do not disclose it and risk the continued burden of guilt, but be comfortable knowing that he doesn’t know the bad parts of your past. Islamically, you are under no obligation, but is something for you to think about when the time comes.

 

For now, the most important is to remain repentant for your past actions, be content and confident in Allah’s (swt) mercy and do all you can to ensure it doesn’t happen again by avoiding situations where there is potential for it to happen again.

 

May Allah (swt) forgive you and grant you a good spouse who will bring you happiness and comfort in your life.

 

Salam,