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Marriage, Parenting & Mental Health

Hannah Morris
18 September, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

 

We’re glad to announce that Ask the Counselor section is going to hold its next counseling live session on September 20th at 08:30 GMT/ 11:30 Makkah time.

 

If you have any question related to marriage, parenting, or mental health, feel free to submit it during the session on this page or send it prior to [email protected]

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Questions get answered during the session by our counselor, sister Hannah Morris.

 

The service is completely anonymous!

Tuesday, Sep. 20, 2016 | 11:30 - 13:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I am trying to find a way to make myself feel better. I am in my mid-40, never-married, with very aging parents. I try not to think about the lonely years ahead but whenever I am having a bad day, or when my parents' needs are overwhelming, or I see other women with their families, it hurts somewhere inside. I keep myself busy, performing my prayers, and I sometimes meet Muslim friends when they are not busy with their families and can fit me in. But overall, I've spent my adult life alone, and I am trying really hard to accept that the future will be ok, but it hurts. I try to convince myself that with constant du’aa’, I will survive by myself as long as I work or engage in productive activities. Sometimes, I wonder about that other part of life where you are loved or cared for, where someone makes you tea if you are sick, where they drive you to work if your car breaks down. I sometimes catch myself fantasizing about that world, and then I stop, of course. I find that filling my time with work, aging/sick parents, and prayer is not fulfilling. I know that sounds horrible, but it is true, and I have spent 20 years trying my best to convince myself that that is all I need and it is God's blessings. I look at other women at my age and convince myself that I am not worthy of having a family, and I should find a way to be content with what I have. Sometimes, I even wonder if my parents committed a haraam act when they decided to move to the West and raise a daughter here, when they knew I would have no marriage prospects and I would be alone, living my life as an "outsider" of sorts in a non-Muslim world. I find that my married friends do not have these types of thoughts, because they get the support they want from their spouses, children, in-laws, etc. Basically, I am hurt in a deep place, and I try to ignore it, but it won't go away.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

 

The way you feel is a natural response to the kind of loneliness that you have been experiencing as a result of your current situation. Naturally, you will have a hard time feeling like you are living a fulfilled life, despite having many things to occupy your time when there is no spouse in your life, especially when you see all your friends occupying their own time with a spouse and children. In addition, you live in the West where life is very different to that of in a Muslim country where there would be more support for people in your situation.

 

It sounds like you have given up on the prospect of even getting married because you feel that you are too old now. Well, sister, let me reassure you that you are not. Certainly there is a stigma around getting married at a later age, but there needn’t be, so I would certainly recommend given that we are told that we should marry from an lslamic perspective for so many reasons. One of those reasons is to provide that sense of companionship you are missing in your life, that you at least look into it, either through friends or at your local mosque as it is likely that there will be someone close by who is also seeking to get married and who may be a suitable match for you.

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You might also think about starting a new hobby or studying something new. You say your time is occupied with various things, but you don’t get this sence of fulfilment. Aside from marriage, another way to accomplish this sence of fulfilment is to learn something new. There comes a huge sence of satisfaction in accomplishing something new which is different from your usual schedule of interests and activities.

 

Also, remember that you do a wonderful thing by taking care of your aging parents. It might feel very wearing for you at times, but Allah (swt) has told us to take care of our parents in their old age like they did to us as children, so ma sha’ Allah, this is a great thing you are doing even if it doesn’t feel like it. You should find a sence of a satisfaction knowing that you are successfully obeying Allah’s (swt) commands, unlike many others living in the West.

 

May Allah (swt) help you to find comfort in your life and feel content with all He (swt) has blessed you with. May He (swt) make it easy for you to find a good spouse if this is how you chose to proceed.

 

Amin,

In our family, an 18-month-old kid cries all the time. She doesn’t sleep except about 4 hours in 24 hours. Can you tell me what the main reason is? What shall we do?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

 

The sound of a child crying can be very distressing for a couple of reasons. Firstly, the mum might worry about what is the matter, especially when young babies are unable to communicate why they are crying. Secondly, it can be a distraction to get anything done due to the noise which can lead to subsequent stress.

 

The first thing you could do is to seek medical advice. Go to your doctor and check that there is nothing physically wrong with the child, especially because sleeping for only 4 hours in a day would certainly be quite unusual for a child of this age. The doctor will be able to determine this by running a few simple checks to ensure that the child is ok from a medical perspective and that their crying is not a result of any physical ailment.

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If the doctor says that they are in good physical health, then it could be simply a result of the child’s age. At the age of 18 months, children do cry a lot. One of the primary reasons children cry is to get attention, and at the age of 18 months, their language skills are far from fully developed. Therefore, they will inevitably have a difficult time in communicating their needs. As you can probably understand, this can be very frustrating when you need or want something but are unable to communicate this in any way.

 

In order to minimise the crying, the first thing is to ensure their basic needs have been met; that they are not hungry, that their nappy is clean and dry, that they don’t feel too hot or cold..etc. Ensure that they have an activity to keep themselves busy and that they are not crying for something else. It may also just simply be a desire for some love. Children of this age love to be close to people. At this age, as they become more independent, they spend less time in the arms of their loved ones as they run around and play. But there may be moments where they suddenly miss this and just want a cuddle to get a sense of love and security.

 

As the child gets older, they will be able to communicate their needs and let you know exactly why they are crying and, therefore, will spend a lot less time crying.

 

May Allah (swt) grant you the patience to bear the constant crying. May He (swt) make this child the coolness of your eyes and make things easy for the child and the family.

 

Salam,

Salam. I want to seek advice for my current problem about getting married. I’ve graduated from polytechnic two years ago. I have a high sex drive which sometimes affects my faith. I have been dating a girl for some time and have already sent my representatives to her family who agreed to get us married. The problem now is that I am jobless and I need to get employed before going ahead with the marriage. My question is: how can I protect myself from falling into sinful actions? Thanks.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum brother,

 

Alhamdulillah, your concern for falling into sinful actions and seeking advice on how to avoid it is a good sign of piety. You recognise that your high sex drive effects your faith, and you have done the correct thing in moving forward to seek a halal means to have this need met. Dating is not ok in Islam, but it seems you have now sought to make this relationship halal by seeking marriage to this person. Alhamdulillah, you say that both parties are happy for you to move forward with the marriage. I am really glad to hear that!

 

Whilst having employment is an important role for the husband in order to provide for the wife and family, it is not an essential requirement. The most important thing, certainly in your case here, is to protect yourself from falling into sin. You do not need to hold off getting married until you have a job if this could potentially cause you to sin as your needs are not met. Your intention to seek employment is there and, in sha’ Allah, you will get a job. A respecting spouse-to-be will be patient with you in attaining employment and would be happy to move forward with the marriage before then in order to protect your deen – both yours and hers alike.

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In addition, fasting is recommended in your situation which can help you to overcome such urges that you have been experiencing.

 

May Allah (swt) grant you happiness in your marriage and help you to find a job quickly. May He (swt) make your spouse the coolness of your eyes and help you to grow together in Islam.

 

Salam,

As-Salamu Alaykum. I'm one of your readers on Facebook and I wanted to ask something. I want someone to guide me and hoped that you will help me. I am 18 and it’s been a year since I started wearing my hijab and following the right path. Now, I love Allah more than anything else and I try to be a good Muslimah as much as possible. Due to the sudden change in my behavior and dressing, everyone started calling me by nicknames and bully me in other ways. I don’t really care though as I love Allah. I try to stay away from every kind of sin and alhamdulillah I am doing good, but before wearing hijab and realizing "who I am", I was a really fashionable girl wearing jeans and tops. Since that time, I have a person I love dearly and he loves me, too. We have always planned to marry each other after I complete my education. He is 4 years older than me. He used to do so many bad things; he had many girlfriends before getting to know me and he told me everything about these girls. He said he was telling me so that we wouldn’t face any quarrel in the future. Now, he is ready to send his parents for marriage proposal. Though I am excited as I love him, I am also confused. I mean I used to be a bad girl as well, doing sins day and night. But I feel I’m a Muslim now and I ask for Allah’s forgiveness in every prayer of mine. But he is not ashamed of what he did in his past. He even committed zina (adultery) previously and he doesn’t feel ashamed. I never considered this before, but now as I have started following the right path, I feel marrying him is a big mistake, because I heard that Allah promised in the Qur’an that "good women are for good men and bad women are for bad men." I don’t know if I’m bad or not, but at least I am not bad enough to get a person who is not ashamed of doing sins every second. On the other hand, I also heard that I shall only be worried about my sins and I am "no one" to measure the good deeds and the bad deeds of other people as it’s up to Allah to forgive them. I’m afraid of Allah. I don’t know what to do. I pray every time that Allah provides him with guidance. Please tell me if it is wrong to marry a person who is not ashamed of doing sins and never asks for Allah’s forgiveness, but who supports me in wearing my hijab? I really need your help. I am confused.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

 

Ma sha’ Allah, sister, it is so pleasing to read that you are now wearing hijab and are content with your deen and you fear Allah (swt). You are right; it doesn’t matter what other people think because Allah (swt) is your judge, not them. Wearing the hijab pleases Allah (swt) which is more important than pleasing those who mock you. May Allah (swt) continue to give you strength in repelling these negative comments.

 

You are right to be concerned about making sure you get married to the right person. One of the most important qualities to seek in a spouse is that of piety, and if the person you are hoping to marry does not repent for his previous sins, then this is not a good sign. May Allah (swt) guide him to the straight path. Sure, no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes and will commit sin. The important thing is to repent and do everything you can to ensure that you don’t fall into the same sin again.

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In marriage, couple can be a good influence on each other and encourage them to get closer to Allah (swt), but they have to have the basic faith there to begin with. You need someone who will support you in wearing your hijab – both literally and spiritually – and who helps you stay away from sins.

 

It seems you have built an attachment towards this man. You say he loves you too, but if he truly loved you, then he would want Allah (swt) to love you, too, and that includes encouraging you to wear hijab and stay away from sin.

 

Now that you have this attachment, it is understandable why you feel happy to move forward with a marriage to this man. Your heart is attached to him, but it is also important that you take a look at the situation from a more rational angle as well and think what would be most pleasing to Allah (swt).

 

Aside from that, you met in a haram way and have maintained a haram relationship which does not make for a good start to a healthy marriage. It possible that things could change, Allah (swt) guides whom He (swt) wills, but there are also other options available to you. You don’t have to pursue a marriage to this man; there are plenty of other single, pious men who are seeking a spouse and whom may be more suitable. The choice is yours, but it is important that you think it through carefully as it is a very important decision to make.

 

May Allah (swt) forgive your past sins and continue to guide you onto the straight path. May He (swt) grant you a pious spouse who will make you happy and content and will support you in your deen.

 

Salam,

Salam. Last year, I got engaged and after a month my problem has started. I frequently feel that all my body burns as if needles would be piercing and crawling on my face. I am shivering and in my ears is a continuous silence sound. I went to the psychiatrist who gave me anti-depressants. I slightly became better. After taking the pills for a few months, I left them and until now I am suffering from the same, above described symptoms. It’s unbearable! Please tell me if this is a ghost possession or black magic which makes me suffer? I used to be so fit and never took any medication in the past. Then, suddenly this happens.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam,

 

Your current situation must be very distressing for you, especially when you can’t be sure of its cause; whether it is a physical condition or some kind of possession or magic. The first thing you could do is seeking medical advice to rule out any underlying condition that could cause these symptoms. A doctor might do blood test and perhaps an MRI scan to rule out any neurological condition or anything physical that could be the cause of these symptoms.

 

You also mention that you used to be fit and never took medication in the past, so you might want to increase your exercise. Again, regardless of what the cause of your symptoms is, exercise will benefit you. It has been proven that it works in the same way as using anti-depressants due to the chemicals released during exercise that combat symptoms of depression.

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In the meantime, listening to the Qur’an as a form of ruqya and engaging in as much dhikr (remembrance of Allah) as possible will certainly assist you both in the case of magic/possession and medical condition as well. They will benefit you, regardless of the causes of your symptoms.

 

There is no certain way to tell if your problems are a result of jinn possession or magic, but if all medical conditions are ruled out, then you could seek to have ruqya performed by a professional. Make sure that the person is qualified and reputable. You can find someone in your area by asking at your local masjid. In sha’ Allah, the imam will be able to recommend someone if he himself is not able to help out in this case.

 

May Allah (swt) ease your pains and discomfort, heal you and grant a solution to your ailment.

 

Salam,