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You Asked, The Counselor Answered (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
26 August, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Thursday, Aug. 30, 2018 | 12:00 - 13:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Hello, I have a question. Let's say a couple has been married for a few months but has not consumed the marriage yet due to the wife feeling a lot of pain and fear when the husband is about to penetrate. What should be done to help this situation? Please, help.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Firstly, just to reassure you many people experience a sense of fear of this sort in a new marriage, both men and women alike, so you are not alone.

 

In this situation, the first thing to consider reasons for pain and fear. This will guide the path that you take in overcoming this difficulty.

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Regardless of the cause, whether it is physical or psychological the best thing you can do to start is to see a doctor. She will be able to give you a physical examination if it is a physical issue or refer you to psychological intervention if it is a psychological issue.

 

You yourself will have some idea of why you are experiencing fear. Is it just because of the act itself and you fear any pain? Or is it a result of abuse either in the present or in the past?

 

If it is a result of abuse, then seeking counselling to overcome the psychological barriers will make it easier to approach your husband as you address past issues. If it is present abuse, then obviously this is a lot more serious and you need to seek assistance immediately.

 

However, it seems that most likely the issue you are facing here is a fear of pain in doing the act itself. If this is the case, then it is important to not feel pressured as this will only heighten the fear and add to the pain.

 

Only approach it when you are ready to be sure that you are relaxed. When you are relaxed the fear will reduce. If there is anything that helps you to relax then use this Tony our advantage.

 

Tall to your husband about how you are feeling. Perhaps he is even feeling the same too. It might feel uncomfortable, especially since you are just newly married, but remember that now you are married you are also halal for each other and these actions and discussions are now perfectly acceptable and there is nothing to shy away from within the relationship. Of course, do so with modesty, but making it something that is not spoken about, again, will only make it something to fear even more. Remember that it can even be classed as an act of worship especially since it is the only way that you can increase the ummah in a halal way. Keeping this purpose in mind also may make things easier for you too as you look to the ultimate purpose.

 

May Allah bring you ease and make things easier for you.

Assalamualaikum Brother , I used to be in a Long distance relationship with my ex Girlfriend . She came over to meet me during her holidays . There was a time she slept over at my mums house . She came out from the toilet when I was in sujood. She came to me and ask me a lot of questions regarding Islam. I tried my best to answer every of her questions ( I Guess it wasn’t good enough) . Everyday I make Dua , one day she could open up her heart to accept Islam . When she was in Canada to study , she started developing for her close Korean Friend And we broke up . She came back messaging me that she still loves me and miss me but still together with the guy . I too still love her soo much (wanting to marry her in the future if God’s willing ) but she broke my heart when I found out from her she had intercourse with the guy once . She fell in love with the both of us . i felt totally betrayed and started cussing her out of rage (I shouldn’t have done that ) . But I apologize afterward, I love her so much that I forgave her. I did so many sacrifices for her but I asked her why couldn’t she accept that I’m Islam. She say she just couldn’t do it . It hurt me till now . we are totally separated but she said that she will wait for me at the cafe in Japan where we first met . Is it weird for me to dua for the best for her and ask Allah S.W.T to soften her heart and guide her to Islam?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

May Allah guide her and all other non-Muslims to the path of Islam. There is no harm in making duas like this for and other non-Muslims so you can continue to do this for her regardless of whether this ends in a marriage between you or not. To help matters and avoid prolonged haram contact between you, you could direct her to some of the online organizations that offer a course in Islamic studies so she can learn about it herself, especially since it seems that she is quite curious, and in sha Allah see the light of Islam.

 

Of course, while you are not married she is haram to you so you need to be careful about any contact with her. If you wish to pursue marriage to her make sure to do so in the correct way. It will even be good for you to make istikhara on the matter and allow Allah to guide you both to marriage if this is what is good for you both,  and if it is not then he will separate your ways and your hearts.

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When considering if this woman is the one for you, do bear in mind how the relationship started. Almost inevitably when a man and woman spend intimate time together they will develop feelings for one another, so ask yourself if the way you are feeling is simply a result of having had this relationship with her. This can lead to confusion about whether you truly love her, or whether you can attain the same feelings with someone else in a way that was developed via the more correct means that are more pleasing to Allah.

 

If all this is because you are at the stage in your life where you would like to marry then there is no harm in you seeking marriage elsewhere. You are not obliged to this present woman. Understandably, given your history, you donate feelings for her which will make it difficult to look elsewhere, but keep in mind how those feelings developed in the first place that may be tainting your view of where to go from here and restricting you from seeking other options.

 

If you still choose to meet with her, make sure to have someone else with you at least so you are not alone together. This will also allow for the presence of someone who is neutral and impartial in the matter and better able to advise you on whether taking things further with this woman is a good idea or not.

 

May Allah guide you both and grant you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

I am confused about my girlfriend. Often she comes to my house and wants to sniff my buttocks. She told me to keep my buttocks stinky. How can I keep my buttocks stinky? Is she perverted?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Islamically we are encouraged to maintain high standards of cleanliness so it is not recommended that you abide by this request.

 

Please do also be cautious about having a girlfriend as this is not a practice permitted in Islam. If you choose to marry her then perhaps you can explore other ways to make her happy that is acceptable in Islam.

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May Allah guide you on the straight path and bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

Aslamualaikum, my husband, and my parents and my siblings they don't get along. They don't respect my husband he feels very bad, I can go to see them, but it makes him upset, in that situation what do I do as a wife? Pleas help me jazakallah!



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Being torn between your obligation to your husband as well as to your parents when they don’t get on is difficult. You have obligations to respect and obey both your husband and parents except if they advise you against Islam. However,  we are also told to maintain family ties, son cutting none off is also not an option.

 

The difficult thing for you is that you are the one in the middle son feel the pressure from both sides. However,  you can also nude this to your advantage and be the bridge between everyone to unite and bring them together again.

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Perhaps you could just begin small by going to see your parents, with your husband every now and again for small visits, enough for a quick chat and maintaining ties yet enough to not be overwhelming or cause any disagreements. As the relationship is strengthened you could increase the time and frequency as things get more comfortable.

 

Knowing all the parties involved, if there are any things that they have in common you can unite them in this. For Example, if they have similar tastes in movies, hobbies or foods then you could do something related to this where a common interest is shared that will stimulate conversation on passion shared by all. This gives them the opportunity to talk and build relations more casually around something not related to the family.

 

Otherwise, there are more direct approaches such as seeking family counselling, either with your local imam or a local counselling service and allowing all parties to say their piece facilitated by a neutral person. Often family disputes can be borne out of underlying assumptions that the other is unaware of or something very simple that can be overcome just by talking about it openly. Alternatively, if you feel confident and comfortable to then you could even have this discussion at home.

 

May Allah make things easy for you and bring peace to your household once more.

Assalam Alaikum. I'm lost and don't know what to do. My mom is dead and my father has been molesting me since I can remember, and no one believes me. When I told my mom's family he became mad at me and doesn't give me school transport money anymore or money for anything he said I should and do prostitution to get money. I have no one to go to because no one cares about me and I have few relatives who are selfish. Please help me. I can't tell the law because I will be laughed at.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

This is a difficult situation that you are in, but it is very important that you get some support for this for the sake of your wellbeing.

 

Whilst you’re feeling down it probably does feel like no one cares about you, but it is highly likely that there are some that do as much as you feel like they don’t.

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Perhaps the best place to start since you don’t feel comfortable to talk to anyone in your family about it yet is to seek assistance from someone outside of this. As you come to feel more confident and comfortable to tell your story, you will feel better equipped and able to tall to family members about the issue. You may find that those you feel don’t care actually do.

 

Regarding telling the law, this could be an option, however, you fear they’ll laugh at you. Without knowing the state of the law your country it is not possible to do be sure if they really would laugh, but ethically people in this position should take such a matter seriously as this is clearly abuse.

 

However, there are other options also. You could look firstly if there are any such groups or support organizations locally to you where you may discuss this matter. They will be equipped with the beat information locally to you regarding where to get direct help and assistance with this matter.

 

If there is not,  or you feel too shy to attend, then you could look into online e groups. Whilst they can’t give you the same level of support, they can be a very useful starting point as well being a lot easier to manage confidentiality and therefore allowing you to talk more freely and get advice from sisters who have been through the same. It is possible that they will be able to offer more fitting recommendations if they are aware of an alternative. Aside from seeking support for this specific issue, it is good for your psychological health to be with others and talk to others, even if the conversation is not about the abuse. Having social support will help to curb the feeling of loneliness that you seem to be experiencing. In sha Allah this will open the doors to other solutions for you too to be in a stronger position to escape the abuse.

 

May Allah bring you ease and guide you to someone who will be able to support you through this.

I am a Muslim Arab ( Palestinian) girl. I was raised in a family where religion and culture are very important. Two years ago I met this guy from Afghanistan at school. We started talking and going out.. Our friendship turned into love so we made our relationship official as of " girl friend" and " boyfriend." Through our relationship we crossed the lines and we had sex. Now my boyfriend want to propose to me and make things right but my parents are rejecting him because he is from a different culture. My parents keep saying that he is not from us meaning that he is not from the same country. My parents threatened to lock me in the house if I chose to keep talking to him. I do not want to give up because I want to fix my mistake and become pure front of Allah. My parents and my brothers are rejecting the guy and I do not know what to do. Should I tell them that I lost my virginity to this guy so I can marry him? or seek for Duaa. I am really frustrated and I am in need for advice to what do.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

The situation you are in is very common. Unfortunately, families often want their members to marry from their own culture or tribe without giving any thought to anyone outside of this. This can make things difficult for people like yourself who wish to marry outside.

 

There are a few things to keep in mind about this situation. Your parents can’t force you to marry or not marry the person that they want, and whilst it is important to obey your parents, you don’t have to if they are commanding you against Islam. It may be argued that in this case, they are since Islamically race doesn’t matter, it is taqwa that counts in the sight of Allah, so his race should be irrelevant. However, to disobey them could bring serious problems into your family and so you may consider if it would really be worth disobeying them if it would cause much turmoil and heartache.

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Furthermore, if they are concerned about the status of your relationship, that is, having haram relations, then they have every right to be concerned for you and your actions. Having fallen into haram solely in terms of having a relationship outside of marriage, regardless of whether you disclose to them your sexual status, may make them even less likely to be happy with you marrying him for fear that he may cause you to slip into further sin.

 

However, these are all things you need to think about yourself when making a choice. Weigh up your options, consider all alternatives and think of the consequences of each. Pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to make the best decision. Don’t make a decision in a rush. Take time to consider your options and revisit them time and time again. You might even write them down so you can visually see the comparison of your options and you can add to then as you think of more. Write down the strengths and weaknesses of each option.

 

In this process don’t forget to ask for Allah’s forgiveness, for He loves to forgive.

 

May Allaah guide you to make the best decision and ease relations with your family.

 

Assalamualaikum, I am a teenage girl and have recently ended a haram relationship with a boy. Lately, I feel disturbed because a friend told me he is praying to Allah s.w.t so that he will marry me in the future. I do not want to have anything to do with him anymore, and I pray that he will move on because I do not feel comfortable that he is thinking about me and that I am in his prayers.I have faith that Allah s.w.t knows what is best for me and him, but is there anything else I should also do other than pray and make dua so that he will move on? Thank you for reading my question and may Allah s.w.t bless you.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister and ameen to your duas.

 

Firstly, well done for walking away from haram. May Allah reward your good intentions.

 

The best thing you can do here is as you suggest. If you want him to move on, then to continue to pray and make du’a for the situation. If you are not destined to be together then Allah will never allow it to happen. If you have firm faith that this is the case then you can rest assured that no matter how hard he prays for your uniting, it will not happen if Allah does not will it to. Having the peace of mind that Allah is the one in control will make i

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t easier for you to continue your daily life without being distracted by thoughts about what this boy is doing.

Aside from this, the best thing you can do is to cut all contact with him. You have seen first hand how haram relationships can be so easily fallen in to. Maintaining any contact with him, especially when he is still clearly interested in you could only lead to the same thing happening all over again,  even if it is just something as seemingly innocent as sending the odd short message to one another. These things sew the seeds for haram bit by bit. If his behavior becomes overwhelming, there is always the option of blocking him from making contact with you. In time, without contact, his feelings will fade and he will be less overwhelming.

 

An alternative option is to ask someone else to put these things to him. Someone who may have more authority over him who he is more likely to listen to.

 

This also helps you to understand why he feels this way as you look back and see how the feelings between you developed in haram circumstances. Having this empathy towards his own feelings will make things a little more comfortable as you honestly observe why it is that he is feeling this way.

 

Finally, you can learn from this whole experience. Regarding relationships and marriage, you are now fully aware of the importance of seeking halal relations and avoiding situations that can easily lead to haram.

 

If you are looking for marriage now, or in the near future, it will be even more necessary for you to refrain from any contact with this man. Furthermore, this would get the message to him that you are already married now and therefore cannot be in contact with him for any casual our purpose or other. If this man has any respect for you, he will leave you in peace.

 

May Allah guide you on the straight path and bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

I know she is married, she falling in love with me it's haram. But I can love her for my all life. I don't want she love me. But I want to love her always and I will not marry. I just want to keep communication touch with her.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

If the sister you are talking about here really is married already, then please stay away from her for the sake of not falling into sin yourself, as well as not being the path for her to fall into sin also.

 

Even staying in touch with her without any ill intentions at this point can easily lead you to commit sin and this is why it is recommended to stay away, even if it is only via messaging, the result can still lead to the same. Cutting contact with her as soon as possible is the best way to prevent feelings between you getting any stronger.

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Try and put yourself in the shoes of her husband. If he should find out then it could potentially destroy their marriage. It will cause issues with trust and is disrespectful of her to be doing these things behind his back. Imagine how you would feel if you were married and your wife did the same to you. How would you feel?

 

It may be difficult to walk away now that you have developed such strong feelings for her, but there are other ways to find love in the correct way that will not lead to sin. If you are looking for marriage then ask around your friends and family if they know if any sisters looking for marriage and arrange some meetings. You may not feel motivated to do this at this point, feeling that you could never meet a woman you love as much as this one, but in time, as you meet others, you will come to realize that there are other women out there who you could live happily with.

 

To make this easier for you, remember Allah as much as possible and fear Him. Remembering that what you are doing with her is sinful will provide you with some motivation to cut ties and seek marriage to someone else via permissible means due to the fear of Allah that you carry in your heart. To do this, try and remember Allah in all that you do so that he is always in mind. Spend more times in acts of worship, especially fasting that serves as an excellent means to control one’s desires.

 

May Allah guide you in the straight path and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.