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Marriage & Mental Health Issues (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
10 March, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

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Tuesday, Mar. 14, 2017 | 09:00 - 11:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Hello. I'm a Hindu girl. I've been in a relationship with a Muslim guy for the past few months. We both love each other a lot. We know that there will be a lot of family problems, but I'm ready to face it. His family is kind of orthodox, thus he is worried about it, but he doesn't talk about it always because he doesn't want to see me sad. I was not worried much, but now a cousin of his loves him and she is telling that the families will be ready to support their marriage. I became so mad. He cannot expose his relationship with me because I'm a Hindu. I don’t know what to do. I started reading about Islam and increasing my knowledge about the religion. I really want him but our caste difference is a big problem. Please give me a solution and don’t ask me to forget him.



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing in. I am sorry to hear of your conflicting situation with the Muslim man. Yes, there is a big difference between the two of you. Islamically, he is to marry women who are Muslim or women of the book (Christian, Jews) who are practicing. The Qur’an states,

“This day [all] good foods have been made lawful, and the food of those who were given the Scripture is lawful for you and your food is lawful for them. And [lawful in marriage are] chaste women from among the believers and chaste women from among those who were given the Scripture before you, when you have given them their due compensation, desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse or taking [secret] lovers. And whoever denies the faith – his work has become worthless, and he, in the Hereafter, will be among the losers.” (5:5)

While it was haram (bad) for him to have a relationship with you or any other girl prior to marriage, nonetheless it has happened. The fact that his cousin approached him about marriage means his parents may be thinking that it is time he married.

In this day and time there is much strife, racism, and divisions which can keep people apart. This is very sad sister and while I do not know how old you are, you do appear to be very intelligent and aware of the socio-political issues at hand. Thus, not only would you have to deal with family problems, but also issues from within society itself.  However, often times, we cannot help who we fall in love with, but we must strive to ensure it would be a healthy, halal, and compatible marriage.

Many Muslim men will enter relationships outside of what is permissible due to feeling a love for a girl and truly desiring a marriage with her. Often times he hopes and expects that she will convert to Islam. It is great alhumdulillah that you are studying Islam and learning more; however, I would advise you not to convert (if you are thinking about it) just to please or keep this boy. But if you feel in your heart that yes, Islam is the true religion and Allah (swt) has guided you to Islam through His love and mercy, then yes, convert. Allah (swt) guides whom He will.

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I kindly suggest sister that you study Islam so you can fully know what he believes, how he is supposed to live, as well as for increasing your knowledge. I would also suggest that you and him sit down and list all the positives of getting married and all the negatives.  Try to keep it real as feeling in love often clouds our ability to see things as they would truly be. For instance, how would you (and him) feel about possibly losing your families over the marriage? How would he react to your practicing your religion when it goes against his? Would problems surface in the future? Also, what faith would the children be raised?

There are many things to think about, dear sister, regarding this marriage. I would kindly suggest taking it slow, learning about Islam first, then decide if you still want to marry.   If it was meant to be, it will be. Whatever Allah (swt) has decreed will be. If it was meant for you and him to marry, some changes would have to occur within your heart – between you and Allah (i.e. converting to Islam) as well as within the Muslim man’s heart such as gaining the strength to inform his family he is not going to marry his cousin. If you two do not marry, sister, you may have a bigger blessing from all of this which would be the blessing of being chosen by Allah (swt) to see the light of Islam.

You are in our prayers.

 

Salam. Please help me. Before our first son, I had a wonderful relationship with my husband. But our son has been a hard child since the beginning. He has allergic to milk which was discovered some months after his birth. The first times were really challenging. I literally slept 2 hours every day if not less as he was crying all the time and could not do anything to comfort him. The situation is still not perfect. My son is in the nursery now but still a hard child; very determined and hardly listens to us. And my husband, instead of being a supportive father, he has started to make programs for himself outside with his friends so that he is not at home. I understand it was hard for him to handle, but I was frustrated too, without any help! I also wish for some “self-time” as he does. My parents live far, so they could not visit me frequently. My son was crying aaaaall the time, I could not sleep or have any free time far from him a bit. I tried to talk to my husband to help me. He took the child for hardly an hour at the end, but it is nothing! He says he is busy: he works, runs his own business, studies, meets his friends…always something. This attitude makes me so nervous. I tried to talk to him nicely that he as the father has to spend more time with his son and help me. Then I talked to him in a more harsh way. Nothing has worked. And I am the bad because I “criticize him all the time and always complain about everything.” Before having our son, we sat down. He promised to help me. But things have changed: he realized this is hard, too hard, and it is not working as he imagined. So what can I do? I cannot just leave the door when I feel I cannot bare anymore the crying of my son – like him. I cannot leave my son alone at home. I also have dreams, things to accomplish like him. We talked many times, every time the promises, “ok, I will be with our son, go here or there, no problem…” Then after 2-3 weeks everything goes back to the same, old cycle. What shall I do?



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,

Thank you for writing in. I’m so sorry to hear of the difficulties you went through and are going through after the birth of your son. Having children is a great blessing, but it is not always a “bed of roses”. Quite often, it is draining, thus, there’s a need for both a mother and a father to be present in the home.

Allergies to milk are very common and often the source of much distress to not only the child, but parents as well until it is resolved. Alhumdulillah the doctor found out and it was rectified. No doubt while your son was going through such pain and digestive problems you were distraught. As mothers, we feel so helpless when we do not know what is wrong and we try our best to comfort our children.

At this point, your child is more or less stabilized, but is displaying behavioral issues such as not listening, being headstrong (determined) which in part may be a normal part of his developmental age, but still you (and your husband) need to set limits with your son and consequences for not listening. When he does not listen or disobeys, firmly tell him at an age appropriate level what he did wrong and his need to listen. If he persists, consequences should follow such as taking away a favorite toy, keeping him from a playdate, or sending him to his room for time out.

Young children need and often seek out boundaries for their behaviors. Often times, your son’s acting out may be a call for you or your husband to intervene and set these limits so your son can learn sociable behavior as well as self-control. It will take time, consistency, and patience, sister, but in sha ‘Allah over time you may see an obedient, sweet little boy emerge.

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As far as your husband, I am sure he works hard, sister, but he also makes time for friends and sports. He also needs to make time to spend with his son not only to give you a break, but also to bond with his son, teach his son, and guide him Islamically.

While a lot of men are like your husband and think that we as mothers are superwomen, indeed, we are not. You do need your own time to gather your thoughts, relax, pursue a hobby or class, or to just socialize with other sisters. Our life should be a balance; however, with children it is often not without supports in place. In sha’ Allah, sister, please do sit and talk with your husband when things are calm and ask him if it is possible to have certain days or evenings in which he can be with your son. Explain to him that as he needs relaxation and friend time, so do you. As he has already committed in the past to taking care of him while you go out, stick with that. Set up your calendar for a few specific times each week which will be “your time”. Remind him a day or so in advance beforehand each time so he gets use to the routine that he will be watching your son. Go out, even if just for a cup of coffee, to the masjid to pray, or to the gym to exercise. By getting your husband use to a scheduled time and day that you will have “self-time”, it will be easier for him to commit to this time and get used to.

I would also seek to spend at least one night a week or 2 nights a month with just you and your husband to re-bond, reconnect, and draw closer to one another. Make a date night like you used to before your son was born. It is vital to your marriage and for helping him connect to you in ways that will help him understand that you do need help with your son. By rebuilding your relationship, it will in sha’ Allah, create more empathy between the two of you, thus, creating a more harmonious household.

If your husband is reluctant to give up his free time, please do seek out your sisters in the masjid whom you are close to to help you with your son. There are many mom groups within the communities wherein sisters take turns watching each other’s children so they can get a break, take classes, or do whatever they chose with the free time. Please do check out your options.

Sister, know this time will not last forever and you will one day miss these times, as hard as it is now. Children grow up fast and we often wonder where the time went. Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) to grant ease, try to pray together as a family as well as going to the Masjid as a family as much as you can. By building up a strong foundation of Islam within your family structure, you will find many blessings, in sha’ Allah.

You are in our prayers,

Salam. My sister has started getting proposals for marriage at 26. It’s been two years already. She is religious and she expects her future husband to be religious too. But most of the proposals which she got from the families are not religious and they demand dowry. Getting a religious guy is difficult in the place where we live. But somehow she got around 4 to 5 proposals where the guys were religious, but still they demanded dowry and lots of gold. In the meanwhile my sister fell in love with a non-Muslim guy and she had a perception that guy was interested in Islam. She was deeply in love with him, but he rejected her. She is getting proposals and she is 27 now. Generally in the place where we live women get married before 30. Most of the men prefer marrying a women who is around 25. So, my parents are worried now because she wants to marry only religious guy which is a bit difficult. She will turn 28 this June which will make her more difficult to get married. I convinced my sister to get married to a well-mannered Muslim and stop looking for a religious guy as it will be difficult for her to get married if she keeps on rejecting the proposals. But still she wants to marry religious person. She rejected half of the proposals and others rejected because of dowry. Do you think she should only marry a religious guy? How do I convince my sister to marry someone who has good character even if he is not that religious?



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing in. Marriage is very important in Islam, and it is incumbent upon us to marry one who follows Islam and is Islamically acceptable. Sister, while I am not well learned about your culture in India, I do know that it is the man who gives the women dowry concerning marriage. In the Qur’an it states,

“And give the women [upon marriage] their [bridal] gifts graciously. But if they give up willingly to you anything of it, then take it in satisfaction and ease.”  (4:4)  

Sister, as we can see, it is not the woman who gives dowry to the future husband but he who gives to her. The fact that these so called “religious” men and/or their families are requesting or demanding a big dowry and lots of gold causes me to pause and wonder what kind of Muslims they are. Surely they are not following the Islamic rulings for marriage as they are to give the women the dowry for the marriage to be valid. Therefore, how religious are the men who have been seeking your sister’s hand in marriage?

Sister, I would kindly suggest that you sit down with your sister and speak to her about this.  Perhaps in your culture it is the man who receives a dowry, but it is not Islamic. You may want to review with her the Qur’an and hadiths in regards to marriage contacts, what needs to be in place for a valid marriage as well as what is her definition of “religious”. Religious men who seek to marry for the love of Allah (swt) do not demand a dowry and do not turn away from a pious Muslimah because there are no “riches” in it for him. Rather, a religious Muslim man will look at a woman’s deen, her love, and obedience to Allah (swt) along with other factors which pertain to her piety and in being a good wife and life partner.

As far as her “falling in love” with a non-Muslim man, this is haram. As she is Muslim, she must marry a Muslim man. Sadly, her bad experiences with the previous men who have courted her in hopes of gold and riches may have tarnished her thoughts of finding a truly righteous Muslim man. Please, keep encouraging your sister to seek a potential husband who is balanced, is striving to please Allah (swt), and is not involved in any major haram acts.  These men may be the ones whom you are describing as “well-mannered” Muslim men.

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In my opinion, and I may be wrong as I am not an Islamic scholar, these men may be more suitable for marriage as while they might not “religious” by your sister’s definition, they are well-mannered which may imply that they are more willing to grow towards increasing their religiosity in a true and lasting manner. On the other hand, the men who your sister thought were religious may, indeed, not be that religious as they appear to be concerned with only wealth, gain, gold, and turning down proposals in which they do not benefit materially.

I would kindly suggest, sister, that you encourage your sister to re-examine her definition of “religious”, learn what exactly are the requirements for an Islamic marriage (opposed to a cultural marriage) and to consider the well-mannered men of good character – Muslims who may not appear to be highly “religious”. Appearances can be deceiving, and the one who may be most pious may not show it externally while the one who appears to be most pious, religious and displays it externally may, indeed, have a somewhat hardened heart.

Only Allah (swt) knows, and Allah (swt) knows best.

We wish you both the best. You are in our prayers.

Salam,

I'm married to someone who is a year younger to me. We got married at a very early age, my husband was only 22 then. I feel I made a mistake. We liked each other and so we introduced each other to our families and got things settled soon enough to avoid more sins. Anyhow I caught my husband cheating on me after about 2 days from our wedding. He initially said me it was his ex-girl whom he had left behind for me without a proper excuse (I did not know about this girl) and so he was trying to explain. But his messages to her were not any such. I bore with him for a year giving him chances and excuses to change and finish matters with her soon. But soon I found out there were more girls. He had even said to a couple of them that he was married and divorced. I should not mention but most of them are Maldivians. (Just hate the sight of them now). Getting to know this, I was disappointed and so informed my parents and his. My parents immediately came over to speak which he did not respect and reciprocate for. His parents were simply not bothered. I decided to give up, yet wanted him. Somehow after a day or so we spoke to each other and got back. We were in good terms for some time and had fights in between again. But today, I saw some photos of some girls in his phone, but he refused to show me. He said no and started shouting. By the way, my husband has password for his phone which I don’t know from day one of our marriage. He says he doesn't like me taking his phone. It’s hard to explain the entire thing. There is more to this. I'm confused and I don’t know what to do. Why don’t I have the strength to let go of him for how cheaply he has been treating me? I feel so tired and disturbed. Please help.



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing in. I am so sorry to hear of your situation with your husband. I can imagine it has brought you great pain, disappointment, and confusion. When our spouse cheats, it always reaches to the depths of our hearts with anguish. As your husband did in fact cheat on you a few days before your wedding, it was a kind of sign, sister, that this behavior may continue. While one always hopes that with love, forgiveness, and trying to rebuild for the sake of Allah (swt) that the cheating spouse will repent and stop, often they do not. Sadly, it may become a lifelong addiction for lack of a better term. It seems that your husband has not stopped, despite your kindness, accepting him back, and trying to move forward.

Please note sister that his cheating or talking to other women has nothing to do with you. It has all to do with him and his own insecurities as a man. Just the fact that he tells women he was married and divorced is a sign of not only a liar, but one who will go to great desperate lengths to get what they want in order to “feel better.” Not only is he committing severe haram acts, but if he is, indeed, cheating on you by sexual intercourse, he exposes you to the possibility of sexually transmittable diseases as well as the emotional trauma he has already caused you. Please do protect yourself concerning this.

You also said he did not respect or reciprocate when your parents tried to help, thus, illustrating he also has no conscious for his actions as he cannot even respect your parents – his wife’s parents and their desire to save the marriage by trying to help.

Sister, in sha’ Allah, you can try to save your marriage by stating that the behavior must stop and request that if he desires to be married to you, then he engages in counseling. I advise that you both seek marriage counseling.

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As cheating is a severe sin in Islam, you may also want to consult with an imam for information on divorce if he decides he does not want to live Islamically or have an Islamic marriage, or if you have decided that enough is enough.

Sister you do not deserve this, and you do have the right to divorce. While Allah (swt) hates divorce, Allah (swt) also hates sins such as your husband’s. Allah (swt) created marriage to be sacred, loving, warm, respectful, trusting, and you deserve a marriage that is just that. I know you are tired, sister, and I know you are hurt. I am so sorry you have to go through this. However, you deserve to be happy and in a loving, committed Islamic marriage. I encourage you to try convincing him to go for counseling for his problems. Or if you chose, initiate divorce.

In the meantime, dear sister, please be good to yourself and surround yourself with family, supportive sisters, and enjoyable things. This may be difficult as the hurt is so strong, but in sha’ Allah, it will help with healing regardless of which direction your marriage goes.   Remember to keep close to Allah (swt) during this difficult time by praying, making du’aa’, and seeking Allah’s guidance. Allah (swt) knows best. He (swt) does love you, sister.

You are in our prayers sister. Please let us know how you are.

I believe Allah performs miracles everyday especially for the mentally challenged like kids with Autism and Down-syndrome. But what happens if it happens to you? Won't it cause confusion? Let's say Allah did perform miracles for you. What would you do? I suffer from schizophrenia and the following miracles have happen to me. One night, I decided to turn off the lights of my room. For me, it is sometimes nice to make salaah in a dark room. After salaah, I sat on my salaah mat just relaxing. Then in front of me there was a wonderful light mashallah. The light grew stronger which illuminated my small room. It was miniature version, mashallah. The light came from a fireplace and there was lots of beds, mashallah. In one bed was a person sleeping. I couldn’t figure out who it was because the person was shiny like a star, mashallah. Anyway, this was very good news for me. Whenever I doubt if I will have a nice kabir or if I am going to Jannah firdous, I remember this miracle. Another one happened to me in the mosque after Esha prayer. I had the keys to the Mosque so I decided to wait for everyone to leave so that I could make few extra salah's. I was sitting with my eyes closed when suddenly I started hearing a boy making dhirk. It was fast and action packed mashallah But the cool part was that I was being pulled forwards and backyards without evens moving. It is something I experienced that no one else understands. I think these sought of dhikrs happens often especially when you are close to death. Another happen in the mosque as well. We had just completed making magrieb. I was sitting when this shiny boy again made an appearance. The scene was this miniature little shiny star boy. He looked upset and I could see he was trying to tell me something. Then he sat down like me. Then all of a sudden there were more shiny figures but they were adults. They were surrounding the boy. The scene was very similar to what happens in Mosque when someone gets married. But the amount of shiny believers surrounding the boy was enormous. There are miracles that have happened to all believers. The only difference is that Allah keeps it a secret and then tells you on the Day of Resurrection. It usually happens when believers are children. So what should I do? It worries me because it's direct; it is not a vision or anything. I saw it happen. I haven’t told anyone about it because no one will believe me. Maybe this is Allah's wisdom. Maybe it was just for me. Should I keep it a secret although it is good news not only for me but all believers?



As-Salamu ’Alaikum brother,

Thank you, brother, for writing in. Your experiences which you describe are most amazing. As I am not an Islamic scholar, I cannot definitely advise you on whether you should discuss these with other people or not. I kindly suggest that you pray to Allah (swt) for guidance concerning these „miracles” and speak to your imam at the mosque as to what this could possible mean for you personally, and if relevant, how would others benefit from these experiences if they knew. If your experiences were negative, I do know that any negative or bad should not be disclosed. However, as you have perceived these experiences as positive, your imam would be most helpful in guiding you towards further understanding and enlightenment.

As some Muslims have seen or had wonderful, “miraculous” dreams or visions, you may want to ensure that this is really what it is. Although there may be no ways to be certain, it is best to in sha’ Allah address any confounding factors.

As you mentioned you were schizophrenic, brother, do you think these “miracles” are a byproduct of your mental health illness? Have you ever experienced this before? While I am not sure what type of schizophrenia you have. or if you are on medication, I would kindly suggest that you share these experiences with your doctor/counselor as well. I suggest this because if you truly want to fully benefit or have others benefit from any Islamic blessings you have (or have not) received, you need to rule out your schizophrenia as a contributing factor.

I do encourage you to speak with both your imam as well as your doctor about these experiences. Allah (swt) knows best, and only Allah (swt) knows what is truly going on.  However, as you have had these wonderful experiences, in sha’Allah, they will prove to be beneficial to you Islamically, increasing your knowledge and insight. If you have further questions or concerns, dear brother, please contact our “Ask the Scholar” section.

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We wish you the best you are in our prayers.