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Marriage & Mental Health Counseling Session

Hannah Morris
18 July, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

 

We’re glad to announce that ‘Ask the Counselor’ section is going to hold its next Counseling Live Session on July 20th at 08:00 GMT/ 11:00 Makkah time.

 

Feel free to submit your question at the time of the session or send it to:

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[email protected]

Friday, Jul. 22, 2016 | 11:00 - 13:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu alaykum. I am married for 16 years. I am from Tanzania. I do not know what to do with my husband. He is always rude to me; he does not even sleep with me and refuses to make love with me. He sleeps in the other room alone. He has no love to me. We have problem that my mother-in-law lives with us. My mother in law is a rich widow for a year. She adopted a girl recently. Our neighbors also enter our house without asking for permission, and my husband and my mother in law allow them to enter. They create problems between us. However, I do all my work and responsibilities. We have two kids. Tell me please what to do.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam dear sister,

 

It sounds like you live under very difficult conditions for a number of reasons. Your relationship with your husband is not good, your in-laws seem to make things difficult, and with neighbours coming in and out of your home without permission, it is understandable why you have reached out for advice.

 

What you are going through is a common problem when the in-laws stay with a couple. Difficulties often arise from the competition between the in-laws and spouse.

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Regaring the relationship with your husband, I wonder if part of the problem is his discomfort with showing you love and affection when his mother is around. Many people feel shy to show affection to their spouses when their parents are around. Perhaps, if there is any time when your mother-in-law is not around, you could discuss this matter. Failing that, if she is always around, then the two of you could go out together and discuss it- just the two of you.

 

After 16 years and 2 children things are obviously different to when you first got together. Thus, the two of you need to work together to re-kindle healthy relations again. Once this love blossoms again, more intimate relations will naturally follow. One way to do this could be to take up a hobby together, both working towards a common goal to help rebuild relations beginning with a common task. Make sure to block out time to either work on this or to simply spend time together, have dinner together – just the two of you, even if it is just once a week for an hour.

 

As for neighbours coming in and out without permission, this isn’t really acceptable. Firstly, from an Islamic perspective, visitors should seek permission before entering someone else’s house. As a Muslim woman, you obviously want to ensure that you are properly dressed when visitors enter in case there is a non-mahram male entering. Therefore, it is not appropriate for people to be entering like this.  You have the right to ensure that this habit stops. Discuss this with your husband and mother-in-law. Make them aware of your concerns of maintaining your dignity as a Muslim woman around people who are visiting the house. Tell them that you don’t mind them visiting, but they should not be allowed to just enter without permission as per Islamic principles. If it is something that has gone on for some time, it will likely take time to make changes and you will need to be patient with this and possibly remind your husband and mother-in-law again. As relations with your husband are re-kindled, he will be more understanding of this and more respectful of your own wishes.

 

May Allah (swt) bring contentment between you and your husband and may He (swt) bring comfortable relations with your mother-in-law.

 

Salam,

Assalamu Aleykum. I have heard about clearing of the subconscious, and I want to know whether it is allowed islamically. What are the risks and how can a person be sure that he/she needs this kind of therapy? Please inform me about this topic. Thank you very much.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

 

Im going to assume here that you are referring to a type of “shock therapy” that involves the beating of a person to clear their subconscious. This practise is implemented in certain cultures as a means to clear the subconscious, commonly to rid the person of a jinn.

 

If this is the case, then no, this is not an Islamic practise, but is actually a cultural practise. If a person needs their subconscious to be clear or to be treated for jinn possession, then the correct treatment is that of ruqya which involves listening to or having the Qur’an read over the person in question. In more severe cases, this needs to be done by a reputable practitioner in in the field. It is generally suggested that this type of treatment is required when the person has some kind of aversion to listening to the Qur’an and doesn’t behave like their usual self. If a person who may be afflicted in a minor way or takes preventative measures to avoid problems with the subconscious, the solution is to engage well in Islamic practises, increasing the remembrance of Allah (swt).

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In addition to ruqya, the person can get counselling to work with subconscious in terms of re-programming dysfunctional thoughts they have that may be impacting in a negative way on their behaviour. This will help to tackle existing problems as well as avoiding future problems.

 

May we always remember Allah (swt) as a means to protect us from the negative impact of our surroundings and our own negative thoughts.

Salam,

I am a mother of a 3 months old breastfed baby living in a joint family system. I have to shut the door of my room often in order to feed the baby. Sometimes the baby sleeps on my lap, sometimes I feel so tired and lazy to open the door, so most of the time the door remains shut. And it only happens when I don’t need to do any house chores. My in-laws, however, object me severely on shutting the door. They claim that I purposely shut the door to avoid them. I tried to talk this out with my mother in law, but she didn't listen. I am very upset about this. Is this habit bad islamically?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. May Allah (swt) make him/her a source of joy and happiness. Certainly, a newborn baby comes with its challenges. Most new mums do feel tired most of the time due to adjusting to a new routine as well as the continuous feeding and changing routine that comes in the early months of a baby’s life. It will take time to adjust and recover, but for now, quite rightly, you do need rest and often this need results in falling asleep with your baby on your lap. It happens with most new mums. 🙂 This will be made even more difficult if you have been facing difficulties with your mother-in-law. The stress will only make recovery and adjustment more difficult.

 

You have done the right thing to reassure her that it has nothing to do with avoiding her. Of course, breastfeeding is the best way to feed your child, but does involve exposing yourself to some degree, so for purposes of modesty, most women do prefer to go somewhere more discreet whilst breastfeeding. This is just part of the modest nature of the Muslim woman. Closing the door is not a bad thing as it is preserving your dignity, especially when there are people other than your husband around.

 

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At the same time there is a need in this situation to maintain good relations with your in-laws, so do continue to reassure her that you are not trying to avoid them. During times when you are not in the room, try to engage with them as much as possible to try and diminish this feeling of avoidance she says she has been experiencing.

 

Over the next few months, in sha’ Allah, as you adjust to your new routine with the baby, you will be able to open the door after you have finished feeding your baby. If relations are not yet resolved with your mother-in-law, then in sha’ Allah, at this point things will get better.

 

May Allah (swt) give you strength and bring you happiness in your home. May He (swt) make relations good with your in-laws whilst you raise your baby in the way that is easiest for you.

Salam,

As-salamu `alaikum, two days ago I was speaking to my closest friend who had been facing major depression/severe migraines. After speaking to him I told him that it is a very difficult situation and people have it worse and may Allah make it easy for you. He was joking and laughing I spoke to him for 10 minutes. I remember saying to him that you are strong it is difficult situation and people have killed themselves because of these migraines so insha Allah you get rewarded and it will go away and you can get back to Uni. After few hours I heard he killed himself. I am shattered I feel like maybe he committed suicide because of me saying, that "people have killed themselves because of these things". Please respond!



Wa Alaikum Salaam dear brother,

 

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon. Dealing with bereavement, especially when the person who has returned to Allah (swt) is someone close to you. Additionally, if you feel like you are somewhat responsible, then you will feel this added burden as you do.

 

Naturally, when we face any difficult situation, we look back and wonder if we could have done something different that would have resulted in a more favourable outcome. In this case, you are wondering if you had not said what you did, maybe he wouldn’t have killed himself. We have to be cautious to avoid such thoughts as this as we are told that “what ifs” open the door to Shaytan. If you continue to be stuck in thoughts of “what if I had/hadn’t done/said this”, you will become stuck in this cycle of feeling responsible for the situation. Continued thoughts like this will lead you away from the remembrance that Allah (swt) is the one in control. He (swt) is the One who takes us all at our appointed time. There was nothing you could have done to prevent his death because it is only Allah (swt) who can do this.

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These thoughts will also prevent you from moving through the process of bereavement. Once you have overcome these thoughts, of course, you will still feel the pain. It will take time to move on from this and back to a normal life. Try to engage in life as you always did, and when you find yourself back in moments of sadness, seek solace in the remembrance of Allah (swt), by doing dhikr or reading the Qur’an. Remind yourself of the Greatness of Allah (swt) and His infinite mercy.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you comfort in His words and remembrance and make it easy for you to remember all the good things about your friend and progress smoothly through the process of bereavement.

Salam, Can I ask divorce from my rude husband? He failed to be a good husband to me. He never prayed with me. He loves insulting me. He loves cheating and he doesn't pay attention to our family. What he has is for him and his family not to ours. He don't respect my family even my mom. How can I be free from him, he doesn't want to divorce me? I can't live in this kind of life. Please help me.



As-Salamu Alaikum dear sister,

 

It is not surprising that you wish to seek divorce at this point. It must be very difficult for you to live in this type of situation, besides that it makes your life feel very miserable.

 

Before you seek a divorce, I would first recommend trying to resolve your differences by talking. Perhaps he doesn’t realise how rude he is to you and won’t if you don’t tell him and talk about it. You most probably loved him very much at some point and things were good between you, so the first step is to try saving the marriage. After all, marriage is a big protection for us from bigger sins and completes half our deen.

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If this fails, the next step is to go and speak to your local imam and talk with him about the situation. It might be that he will first recommend counselling for the two of you. Maybe he can sit with you to discuss the differences and see if there is a way to resolve them. If you can, then alhamdulillah. If you cannot and the imam does not believe either that you would be able to resolve your differences, then he can still guide you on the next step towards seeking a divorce.

 

The method for seeking divorce varies depending on the country you are in and the type of marriage you have. This is something the imam can directly advise you on.

 

In the mean time, take care of yourself; keep busy with positive things and don’t lose hope in Allah’s (swt) mercy. In sha’ Allah, whatever the outcome, you will be happy and content with Allah’s (swt) will.

 

May Allah (swt) make it easy and smooth for you, sister.