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Live Session On Parenting

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
17 January, 2017

Salam ‘Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Nasira Abdul-Aleem , for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

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Thursday, Jan. 19, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As'selamu Aleykum . My 6 year old daughter has been kissing a neighbor boy. She does like the Disney Princess movies, but she doesn't view any adult content at all. What should I do? I don't want to overly think this, but I also don't want to treat it lightly if it is cause for concern. I've been told by some that this is due to TV and needs to be nipped in the bud. Please Help. Thank you



Wa ‘alaikum Salaam,

 

I am glad she is 6 and not 16 – I got scared when I misread your question! Ok, I am with your friends, nip it in the bud. However, how is the very serious and hard to answer question. When one of my client’s daughters was 5 years old, the child came in the house from playing outside and used the “f” cuss word. The mother asked her where she had heard that word and found out. The mother educated her right then and there about the real meaning of that word, i.e., she taught her 5 year old about marital relations/sex – to teach her about the beauty of the life-giving process and why she should not corrupt that word in that way.

 

Now, I am not sure that that is how I would have solved that problem….but the mother made one good point about why she did that: if my child is going to hear it anyway, I want her to hear it from me in its clean and right context, not from others who are strangers to her and who us it in an ugly and wrong way – from friends (or whatever you call those playmates). So, that radical solution is at the one end of the spectrum of possible ways in which you could address this issue.

 

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A less radical way would be a partial lesson on privacy versus public life, i.e., how our bodies, including our lips, are for our private world, not our public world. Then, there is the complete other end of the spectrum, which may be appropriate for your child – tell her not to do it, that it is not what we, i.e., Muslims do, even though the non-Muslims who we live around do it. If your child is very sensitive to not displeasing you, this may be all you need to do to “nip it in the bud”.

 

Beyond this, you can use your own imagination to find out where on the continuum between spilling all the beans and only a few of them you and your husband fall in terms of the education of your six year old. My contribution is small – find what you are comfortable with in terms of how much information you are willing to share. I tend to err on the side of too much info. Others err on the side of too little… May Allah Guide you to the balance that is “right” for you and your little girl. Bottom line, you do need to say something….I hope this helps, inShaAllah.

 

And May Allah Make it easy for you, inShaAllah

My Daughter is 16 year old, she is a tough-talking person, she always says harsh words to me and to her father, and when we are out side or in family gathering her harsh way of talking often embarrass us, what I do to improve her behavior and to make her a nice talking person?



As-Salaamu alaikum,

 

We live in a very hard time. In this day and age, this behavior is encouraged in people, and, unfortunately, especially in women as part of the feminist movement – so know that, you are having a battle with not just a person but a whole culture behind her encouraging her behavior.

 

My first response is talk talk and talk to her – but what you say matters supremely. If your talk is only to correct her, you will lose the battle because you are missing the point – whatever that point is – and THAT you have to find out from her. Ask her, what is it you hope to accomplish by this behavior. Ask her, are you conscious of what it feels like to the other party, i.e., what would you feel if someone talked to you this way – would it encourage you to interact with them? Ask her, what does Allah is One and we are not One mean? in other words, we exist in interaction with others, Allah does not – so what does that mean in terms of how we interact.

 

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Does this behavior facilitate “equal” interaction between people? If so, how? If not, what does it do – what is she getting out of it. Is she mad, and, if so, about what? Try to solve that problem – it may be too complex for her to identify, so help her out with suggestions about where she got it from and why she ageed with the idea and started using it for herself.

 

Ask with the intention of finding out what is motivating her and then talk about that motivation – challenge the legitimacy of that – not the behavior – you can say until you are blue in the face that she should not do it and she will never hear you because you are not “hearing” what it is that she is “acting out” for you – acting out means doing charades for you when she does not have the words to express the feelings she has inside – find out what those feelings are and address them, as best you can insha Allah,your task is hard and I could not do it until I studied psychology, so be kind to yourself and ask Allah to help you!

 

And Allah Make it easy for you, insha Allah.

My 10 year old son has fears of death. He became extremely fearful of dying after his grandfather has died last year. I’m trying all the time to calm him, but he says ‘I think about death and often I start crying just by the thought of it. Please tell me how can I help him?  



As- Salaamu ‘alaikum

 

You have a very precocious 10 year old! Be grateful to Allah. I would tell him that many things on this earth are “paradoxical”. Tell him that the only reality is Allah yet Allah is the One thing (for lack of a better word) we cannot see. Tell him that when a person is a leader, they are actually serving the needs of others. So, things are not always as they appear. Tell him that if we did not feel pain, we would not know what joy is, so pain is good, paradoxically!

 

Then, he may be able to understand the following: Tell him that this life is only a testing ground for our soul to find itself – and that the Next life is the real life, so…. death is actually not really death but the doorway to the “real” life… Then, tell him that we came from the earth and when we return to it, it will probably feel like we are coming “home”.

 

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Now, of course, if we were sinful, it may not feel so good – and he may be too young to understand that and I don’t think it would be healthy to say that to him because he may get scared again. BUT, you, the adult, don’t forget, Allah is Good, perfectly, which means that everything from Allah is good too – even Shaitan – who is not good in and of himself but he is good for us because he challenges our thinking and makes us think. So, how is our punishment good? It is us being at one with The Truth and that feels good internally even though it may hurt externally. For example, if you sin, you like to take a shower and clean yourself – right? that is what “purging sins from us is all about” to make our soul feel “clean” again…

 

If you can figure out a way to teach him this that is appropriate for a 10 year old, go for it…inShaAllah, and Allah Make it easy for you!

 

P.S. I recommend you share with your son a documentary about the afterlife. The one I am thinking of is called “After Life” (I think – but when I went to find the link for you, a zillion documentaries about the afterlife came up and I don’t know which one it is). In it, people who had a “near death experience”, i.e., were pronounced dead but then came back to life, were interviewed about what they saw and felt. Phenomenally, ALL of them said that they entered a milieu of “love”.

 

SubhanaAllah! The way this is punishment for even the sinful people is that they will know that Allah Is Love and can’t benefit from His Love because they did not believe in Him when they had the chance to. This may be the very thing that your young child needs to hear — from people who have been there, i.e., had firsthand experience with the closest thing that we can ever know about death while living (other than what the hadiths tell us about it). Allah Is Generous! He provided us with everything we need to survive this life He Has Given us to test us! He blessed us with people visiting, if you will, the afterlife and then coming back to tell us what it is like. SubhanaAllah!

As-aelamu Aleykum Counselor, I’m father of two children 12 years (girl) and 14 years (boy), I have a concern about my son, He spend too much time in front of the mirror more than his sister. Frankly I’m worried that his behavior is female-like than male.



As-Salaamu ‘alaikum

 

We live in a time of rampant homosexuality, no doubt. But, that does not mean that it is natural. It is not native to our human nature. God only knows why so many people feel it these days. I believe that the rise in homosexuality in our world is the product of our present unnatural environment. On the other hand, being overly concerned with one’s appearance is not a departure from our fitra (human nature).

 

And, it is not a “female” only. It is a sign of a burgeoning sexual awareness. I suspect that your son has become aware, and probably subconsciously, of his body in the context of how women see him – and other men in terms of “the competition”. I would celebrate his growth and enjoin with him about it if you can. Talk about why we cover our bodies. Talk about how our bodies serve our private lives (sex) and how they are for a very different purpose in our public lives (work, war, sports…).

 

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Talk about how to keep our body healthy. Talk about Allah’s Wisdom in the creation of our hands and eyes. Show him how to see more that what he is looking at – how to see the “sign” of Allah in the creation of Allah.

 

P.S. I learned (from a talk by Hamza Yusuf) that one of the Arabic words for “human being” (Sorry, I don’t remember the Arabic word) is “someone who needs intimacy”. When I learned this, I was so happy because it was so true for me, and so it gave me a great feeling of relief that I was not crazy because I wanted so badly to be married. So many of us feel an intense desire to be married. It is what keeps the human race going (procreating).

 

So, honor your son’s obsession with his body – to the extent that you let him know that it normal and healthy to want a woman to want you, and that there are other men (other body types) out there competing for their affections… But, it does not stop there! While women subconsciously need and want able-bodied men because we are dependent on them as providers and protectors, he has to be better than that too – in the competition, i.e., his “value” is not only that which is on the surface, i.e., his physical appearance.

 

His taqwa, awareness of Allah’s Authority over him, is his “real” asset in terms of both his own soul and what he brings to his marriage. If he were in a car accident and permanently disabled, his wife would not stop loving him IF she married him for his soul, not his body. His soul is the much greater asset to a wife than his brawn! It may help to explain all this to him, InShaAllah, if you can—if he will let you, iA.

 

May Allah make it easy for you, InShaAllah.

As'selamu Aleykum Werahmetulahi Weberekathu, I have a 1 year & 4 months old baby boy and would like to shape him the right way (Islamically) possible in the upbringing process. How can I do that? Can you please give me a heads up on how to start?  Thanks,



Wa ‘alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

 

Your child is very young. This is the most enjoyable time – although very demanding physically. Think of your job as transitioning your infant from perfect happiness and bliss in your womb where his every desire was fulfilled instantly and perfectly … to the serious difficulty of the opposite on the outside, where he is cold and hungry and food is not instantaneous, and touch is something that has to be asked for… If you can realize this contrast, you will do everything in your power to make his transition as easy and loving and caring as is within your power, by the Will of Allah.

 

There is no such thing as spoiling a baby. Hold them as much as is humanly possible. Then, when they feel safe, they will – they will want to – they will love to – explore the world! Then, you won’t be able to contain them and hold them, only manage their behavior so that they don’t kill themselves by throwing themselves off of a high bunk bed or cliff or in front of a car… Bismillah and Mashallah!

 

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Say “Allah” to him often, asking him to repeat it – we want their first word to be “Allah”. Don’t be disappointed if it is not – that is not proof of anything bad, but a it is blessing when it is their first word. Next, know that the “terrible twos” are very difficult and last through the threes – I say, why didn’t they call it the “terrible threes” – especially with boys – they seem to love to push your buttons more than girls do.

 

However, I am not of the belief that we should spank our small children. The Prophet said (paraphrased) that we are our children’s “slaves” from birth to seven years old. Then, they are our slaves from 7 to 14. Then, we (their parents) become their “advising friends” after that. Now, don’t define “slavery” as do whatever they say and want. Define it as your life now has one singular job – their upbringing. Sometimes you need to tell them “no”, which is best said by figuring out something you can say “yes” to, like “here is a toy you can play with”. When they become our slaves, then it is the time when their brains are ready for hard work – before that their “work” is in the form of “play”, but after 7, then you can do what people call “discipline”.

 

I don’t like that word because to me discipline should be something you love so you love to do the hard work – but that is another conversation that is too long for this post. It is very important that they learn to be selfless AFTER they got what we call in psychology “the healthy narcissistic needs of a child which is a healthy selfishness, i.e., getting your needs met by someone else – we have that right in marriage and in life and in friendships – BUT, we have to learn how to do that for others too!

 

To get them ready for adulthood (7 to 14) we need to think of our role as launching them, not telling them what to do – ask them, what do you think – make them think – that way, when they are 14 they will be used to thinking on their own.

 

P.S. I just remembered something that helped me a lot to understand my children and child rearing. One of the words for “child” in Arabic means “someone who breaks things” (I am sorry, I did not remember the Arabic word/did not record it – I heard about it in one of Hamza Yusuf’s talks (he is a walking lexicon)). The way it helped me was that I was able to appreciate my child breaking things rather than to get upset over it. I hope this helps you too, iA.

InShaAllah, Allah make it easy for you!

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