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Let’s Smash the Taboos (Counseling Session)

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
05 February, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

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Tuesday, Feb. 07, 2017 | 18:00 - 20:00 GMT

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Assalamun alaykum Counselor, I am 27 years old and I am having a problem with my fiancee, as he wanted to know every thing about my past. So I told him about my huge mistake( I have committed zina some years ago). But he still wants to know everything detailed?. He is very depressed about this. How can I deal with it? How to see this in psychological way too? And is it okay if I don't tell details? I don't want to tell him, because his heart would be more broken. It was and it is still hard for him what I did. Could you give me an advice How to behave? And how to get him that he forgets? JazakhAllah.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu My dear sister in Islam,

It is very important in marriage to be transparent about ourselves so that we can enjoy the “coming alive” that a healthy and good marriage provides us. Marriage is the place where our private world can be explored, and enjoyed, and exploded (orgasm), and expanded (growth, individually and together). We need to have a private world for this sort of self-exploration and self-actualization. We cannot do that in the public realm because the public realm is not safe. It is not protected by the oaths to Allah (swt) that characterize marriage—as you know too well, having fallen prey to the temptation of zina.

While we need to feel free in our marriages so we can flourish and grow, we also need some privacy even there. For instance, most people would not go to the bathroom in front of their spouse. When we pray, it would be completely inappropriate for our spouse to watch our every move or breathe down our neck to listen to our every word in our personal relationship with Allah (swt). Likewise, we have the right to take our sins to Allah (swt) alone, for the safety of His supreme mercy and protection in our internal world. Allah (swt) is 100% private and safe, fully informed and qualified to understand us fully and properly.

That means, you have the right to suffer the pain of your zina, along with its details that cause you that pain, in private – just as much as you have the right to suffer the pain of your tawba (repentance), along with its details, in private. Your marriage should be moving forward, not backwards. That forward movement can only be hindered by going backwards into your past. If the effects of your zina matter FOR YOU in terms of YOUR ability to go forward, then you should deal with that with Allah (swt) and, if needed, with the help of a person who is qualified to help you such as a religious scholar and/or a therapist. Your husband, I am assuming, has neither of those qualifications.

All that to say, no, do not tell your husband the details of any sexual activity that you had prior to your marriage to him. Even if your husband says he wants to know, it will be very hard for him to deal with it, and maybe won’t be able to. Don’t risk ending up divorced when your marriage may be a good one that can work. It should not be corrupted with things that have nothing to do with it. Your zina had absolutely nothing to do with your present husband, and he needs to know and recognize that and move on beyond it!

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Focus on making your marriage work, in its own right. You have grown past zina. Ask him to now let you enjoy that growth and flourish in it, In Sha’Allah. May Allah (swt) make it easy for you. If you focus on this, you will build good things to talk about and enjoy doing together. Build routines with your husband that give your relationship its unique characteristics. For example, one couple I heard about had a nice system: when the husband left the cap off the toothpaste, his wife would put it on for him when she was happy with him and, when she was upset with him, she would not.

Figure out things that make him happy and do them so that you two build a positive relationship with each other, going forward that has nothing to do with your past relationships. The Prophet (saw) married Khadijah (ra) who had had two husbands before him. I do not know, but I do not think that he asked her about her past sexual exploits with her past husbands. It was not “his business”; it was hers. And it was not their business together; it was hers and her past husbands’ businesses together.

I hope this helps and may Allah (swt) forgive you your zina and all your sins – and all of us our sins. May He (swt) make it easy for you and your husband to you’re your relationship, in Sha’ Allah.

Salam,

As-Salamu Aleikom. I am single and have started to like a person who is married and has 3 children. I started liking him after he proposed me. He said he liked me and wanted to marry me if I also agreed to it. He told me that he likes everything about me except that I am not a practicing Muslimah. But he made me wear hijab. Alhumdolillah, he gave me books and I have started to pray five times a day, and my love for Allah and belief in Him has increased immensely. He is ready to marry me but has one condition: I cannot disclose it at his home for a couple of years. Obviously, my mother is not convinced with the whole idea, and she thinks that he is a bad guy who has manipulated me, but that is not the case. I just want to know if my intention is wrong about marrying him. Is it not permissible to marry a man who is already married? Can I go against my family to marry him? Please send me a reply soon as my mother is marrying me to somebody else forcefully.




Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu my dear sister in Islam,

First of all, your mother has no right to marry you off to a person forcefully. It is forbidden in Islam to marry off someone against their will, mother or not!

Secondly, polygamy is completely lawful in Islam; there is no sin in it – unless it is done in a wrong way. For example, when the man cannot afford one wife let alone a second (or third or fourth), or he already has four wives.

However, there is a problem with secrecy about it. The marriage ceremony, without which there is no marriage, is, by definition, a public announcement. That is why it is required to have at least two witnesses in addition to the person who performs the religious ceremony. The witnesses are members of the community who can tell the other members of the community that the two are married so that their relationship is not viewed as unlawful.

So, I would be more worried about his requirement for secrecy than the issue of the polygamy, although polygamy in this day and age rarely works when done in societies/cultures which are not accustomed to polygamy. Also, the cost of living is so great these days in most parts of the Western world (at least) that most men cannot afford two or more wives.  In addition, how can you be sure that “a few years” will ever end? Can you be sure that anything will be different in a few years that will make it okay to disclose what is not okay to disclose now?

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Also, it is very important NOT to project onto people who have taught us our religion unique, special characteristics that have nothing to do with them. Allah (swt) makes Muslims. People do not make Muslims. One sister told me that the person whom gave her Shahada turned out to be an adulterer. She was, of course, devastated! She had glorified him because of the wonderful, beautiful role he had played in her life. In addition, the person who taught her about Islam became an apostate later in his life. We have to distinguish the message from the messenger. I know it is hard because we love the person because we love what they said and how they helped us.

Please don’t misunderstand me and think that I am being hardhearted to tell you that you can find another man, if you decide to. But you have to know that this man is not the source of you getting closer to Allah (swt). Allah (swt) is the source for that! This man was only the medium Allah (swt) chose to guide you to Him (swt).

Also, think about the potential repercussion: this man’s wife may hate and do harmful things to you because you brought her pain. There is a reason why he wants you to keep it secret, and this is probably because he knows she won’t be able to handle it. Most likely, that is not going to change in a few years. Also, their children may grow up to hate you too because you caused their mother pain.

Now that you are more religious, I personally think that you might do better to find a different brother, one who is also religious and does not already have a wife and three children. Marry someone with whom you can build a life together, without secrecy and fear of being discovered. Have your own family and life, above board, In Sha’ Allah.

May Allah (swt) guide you and make it easy for you, Amen.

I started experiencing ejaculation during sleep when I was seventeen years old. This is quite okay because I know it is normal for every male as he proceeds into adolescence. I thought I was lucky because I have never dreamt of having an intercourse before the ejaculation but my friend scared me. My friend said when I experience it without dreaming of having an intercourse, then it means jinns are on me. He said the jinns do have an intercourse with me. I am scared, please I need an explanation.



As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum dear brother in Islam,

Because I am not a religious scholar, I can only answer your question based on my training in psychology, psychotherapy, and my practice of life-coaching. If my answer does not satisfy your need, please write to our scholars on this website for clarification regarding jinn and how they can influence our thinking and behavior.

Some Muslims blame everything abnormal on jinn possession (and frequent ejaculation during sleep is not abnormal which I discuss later). For instance, they claim that schizophrenics (psychotic or “crazy” people who do not operate in the same reality as the rest of us) are possessed by the jinn. I wonder though because medication can stop schizophrenia, so I would tend to think that it is not jinn possession but a chemical thing going on in their head that is different from ours.

Furthermore, from my little knowledge about jinn, people can feel the jinn is possessing them. The jinn control their behavior. You have expressed nothing of any such sensations other than something happening to you when asleep, which you cannot feel. The jinn enjoys their power. They want you to know that you are being possessed, that they have power over you, because that is what feeds their proudness of being better than you. It is no fun to “defeat” you if you don’t know you are being defeated.

From the scientific/medical point of view, when a male has a nocturnal emission (ejaculation during sleep), also called a “wet dream”, it marks the beginning of sperm coming into his semen (penal fluid) and out his penis. That means that he is now able to impregnate a wife. He has entered the new stage in his life which Islam marks the beginning of his (young) manhood. At this point, the angels start writing down his actions/his book for the Day of Judgment. Please, see this website for correct scientific information about nocturnal emission/ejaculation during sleep.

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As you can see on that website, there is nothing abnormal about frequent wet dreams; some men have them and some don’t. Frequency may be the result of a lot of testosterone. That is a thing that most men would consider “manly”, – a plus, not a deficit or disadvantage—, and some women may see it that way, too!

That website also points out that you do not have to have intercourse in a dream to have a wet dream although it can happen that way. You often do not remember the dream. Bottom line, your body is exploding, so to speak, with your male character, the ability to ejaculate in order to impregnate a wife.

I think you should be celebrating your entry into manhood and your new male sexuality. You just “arrived”. You have entered a new and exciting, both emotionally and physically, realm of the reality which we live in. You are no longer a child. As a young man, now you should be focusing on how to be a good man and what a real man is. To focus on fear of the jinn is a distraction from the beauty and power that your role as a man gives you.

Allah (swt) defines a man as someone who cares for women and children. A man serves Allah (swt) by serving the needs of others. This is where your focus needs to be. Learn about that. It is not easy to understand because it is paradoxical – it looks like one thing, but is another. In other words, your power is the power to serve! Figuring that out, you will be figuring out what a man is.

May Allah (swt) guide you and make it easy for you.

Parents are refusing to marry solely based on the fact that boy is not syed and girl is syed. Does islamically it is prohibited for syed girl (descended of prophet muhammad saw) to marry a boy who is not syed? Boy is very religious and if good character.



Salam ‘Aleikom,

Thank you for submitting your question. Unfortunately, I am not qualified to answer your question. Please submit it to our Ask the Scholar section. Best wishes!

Hi I am 18 years old boy. I am addicted to masturbation for 5 or even 6 years. I feel that my body becomes weak and my concentration has been destroyed. I cannot concentrate on my lessons in university even if I don't know that I can pass it or not my memory has become weak. I don't have my past power. I am afraid of that when I marry it would make my life hard. And also my peins size. Please help me for Allah sake. If I stop masturbuting, can I get my past power of memory concentration and body power. Please help me.



As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum dear brother in Islam,

Thank you for asking this very important, but sensitive question. I am glad that About Islam offers people a safe place to ask such questions about things that are vital to our lives such as sex.

Our sex drive is second only to our “survival mechanism” – our drive to stay alive in the face of danger. This is because sex is the medium on which we continue as the human race. This means that Allah (swt) created sex as an interactive process, not a solitary one. Even thinking, which is our most solitary act, is not done alone. Have you ever thought about that? The way we think is a conversation!  We get messages from our soul/self/ or nafs; it tells us what our fitrah or nature needs. But Allah (swt) also lets Satan challenge our thoughts.

The point is: only Allah (swt) is One. Inversely, that means we are not one; inescapably, we’re creatures of interaction. The most fundamental interaction we have is with Allah (swt). We depend on Him to provide us with the things our bodies need to stay alive, e.g., oxygen, water, food, shelter, etc. The material things Allah (swt) provides for our survival are signs of Allah (swt). They are also mercy from Allah (swt) to us. Recognizing the world as signs of Allah (swt) and His Mercy are the way in which a believer comes to believe in Allah (swt). However, we need something more from Allah (swt): the touch of another human being. And touch is more important for our survival than those other things because our soul cannot survive without it.

Touch, in normal circumstances, is one of the signs of love. Allah (swt) loves us by giving us the provisions we need to survive. But He (swt) also gives us another source of love – a worldly source of love. Allah (swt) says in the Quran that He (swt) created everything —even the plants—in pairs. (30:21) Only Allah (swt) is The One. In fact, this source of love is so profound that some people think that they don’t need Allah (swt) when they have this source of love. Often, they forget about Allah (swt) and don’t believe in Him.

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So, what does this mean for you and all of us? We cannot escape our reality  that we were created in pairs. We feel the need to have our other pair. When a person masturbates, whom are we interacting with? I don’t know the answer to that question, but I do know that it is not our “pair” (a spouse). Thus, it is not harmony – the beautiful union of two different things. It is also not a union with our fitrah (innate human nature). This is important in terms of our true understanding of tawheed, the Oneness of Allah (swt). But, it is also an important in terms of understanding our own psychology—to be “in” our fitrah, we need to be “in” a pair.

So, I suggest that the next time you look out the window of your sex-life, you see the horizon not as a single line between earth and sky, but as two things – earth and sky. I suggest you view the single sun as not single, but as the way our earth stays afloat. If there is only one color on the horizon, see it as interacting with your eyes because without your eyes, would it exist for you? When you start trying to see the “interactiveness” of everything around us (except Allah [swt] who depends on nothing to exist), then you will begin to need your pair to be able to realize your sexuality properly, In Sha’Allah.

As regards your other questions about your intellectual and emotional drain and inadequacies, and penis size, etc., I don’t know the answers to those questions as they are the physical sciences and my areas of study are psychology, psychotherapy, and life coaching. However, I suspect that when you get your mind in line with the true nature of your creation, the other problems will begin to resolve themselves and fall into place better than they have been doing in the past few years, in Sha’ Allah.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you,

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