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Have a Happy Marriage!

Hannah Morris
02 December, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that Ask the Counselor section is going to hold its next counseling live session on December 5th at 09:30 GMT/ 12:30 Makkah time.

If you have any question related to engagement, relationships, marriage, fears, or mental health in general, or else, feel free to submit it during the session on this page or send it beforehand to [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous!

Monday, Dec. 05, 2016 | 12:30 - 14:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu alaikum. I just want to ask you about the parents of my future wife, inshallah. They treat her very bad. They abuse her, torture her, but in front of others they don’t show that they would hate her. There are many incidents happened to her. I always tell her we should respect them because they are our parents, but last time they beat her and asked her to commit suicide. I want your views on this; what should she do? We’re going to get married next year.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

 

This kind of behaviour of parents towards their children, regardless of their age, is not acceptable. There is no room for this kind of behaviour in Islam. What makes this particular situation increasingly difficult is that they behave kindly towards her in front of others, but behind closed doors treat her appallingly. However, like you say, as your parents, it is important to have respect for them as Allah (swt) commands us to. This can be made very difficult when the parents behave in such a bad way.

 

The current situation will determine the route that you might take in this case. Assumingly, once you get married, you will be moving in together and she will be absent from the home in which she is being abused. However, if this is the case, she will still be under their roof until then and facing an unsafe situation. It sounds like her home environment is very unsafe and I could not recommend remaining in such an environment where there is a risk to her life. I would, therefore, suggest that she finds somewhere safe to stay in order that she is not abused anymore. Maybe she has a close family member or friends that she could stay with temporarily until you two are married and can live together. This might also give her parents time to appreciate their daughter as well as giving your wife-to-be some space to be free from the abuse and recover from the stress.

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This might make for difficult relations with her parents, but they also need to know that their behaviour towards her is not ok. People often take their stresses out on those who are closest to them, especially in a case like this where the love for the other is unconditional. They feel they can continue to behave in such an abusive way knowing that they will never leave. This, however, does not justify such behaviour and should not be accepted. Like you say, it is important to still respect them despite their behaviour, so maintain contact with them, but always in a way that maintains her safety from their potential abuse. At least once you are married you will be able to visit her parents together and she can still see them but in a way that her safety is assured.

 

Continue to pray to Allah (swt) to soften their hearts and, in sha’ Allah, He (swt) will hear your call and make them kinder to their daughter. For now, you can be the source of comfort in her life, so continue to provide her with this and support her in this difficult time. Obviously, until you are married, this might be quite difficult, but still possible with the presence of a mahram and also via friends, ensuring that she is supported by them as well. In time, in sha’ Allah, as they come to miss her after she leaves home, they will find respect for her as they miss her presence and will treat her better.

 

May Allah (swt) soften the hearts of her parents and bring you both happiness and contentment in your marriage in the future, in sha’ Allah.

As-Salamu Alaykum, I need some advice on the problems I'm facing right now. Currently, I'm having a bad relationship with my mother. To be honest, I'm not an obedient daughter. My mother says that I always hurt her feelings by the things I say. Sometimes, I just don't realize what comes out of my mouth, and then suddenly she starts shouting at me saying that she is tired of tolerating me. I have to admit that I have a big ego. When she becomes mad at me, I usually keep quiet and not shout back, but I rebel silently. I don't know why this happens to me. She said that I'm annoying her and I should speak more softly. After every fight, I hate her more and more. Even though I know that it is my fault that I can't be more tolerant with her, I'm also tired of hearing her nag. I'm mad at Allah as well; why can't I please her better? Why am I created if the only thing I hear every day is my mum saying how she can't handle me anymore, how useless I am and how I am the cause of her stress. I admit that she tries tolerating me, tries to be nice with me, but this ego I have prevents me from being nice to her, so I answer her questions rudely. Since I was little, I'm not so close to my mother. I don't share my problems with her, and we don't have that mother-daughter relationship like others have. She said that she feels like she's a maid when I don't put my mug in the sink or I don't clean my room, and that I purposely annoy her, when I actually don't. At that time, I'm just lazy. Whatever she says is not helping me; it doesn't soften my heart at all. Another problem of mine is that when I'm stressed, I don't pray. I don't know why, but after praying and asking for Allah's forgiveness, a few days later, I repeat the same mistakes. Therefore, I want to ask: can a rude, disobedient, and annoying daughter like me, who makes her mother cry, be forgiven by Allah? Do I even have the slightest chance to be forgiven?



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

 

Firstly, let me reassure you that Allah (saw) is the all Forgiving and loves to forgive so these is certainly hope. You must ensure, however, that you repent to Allah (saw) and repent sincerely. Simply asking for forgiveness is not enough and it is not necessarily done with sincerity. To truly desire Allah’s (swt) forgiveness, after asking for His forgiveness, you also need to do all you can to prevent the same from happening again. It certainly seems that you realise your behaviour towards your mother is not ok and that is a good sign that you want to change. But you now need to do all you can to try and tame your disobedience and rudeness towards her.

 

You say that a problem you have is that after asking forgiveness within a few days, you’re doing the same again. One way to avoid this is to increase your acts of worship in order that you keep Allah (swt) in mind all the time. Letting Allah (swt) slip from your mind gives space for Shaytan and bad ways. Certainly, you could increase the amount of voluntary prayers you offer, study Islam, read Qur’an, fast and make dhikr. But you can do even smaller things like memorising and saying the correct du’aa’ before everything you do in your day, or even saying bismillah before you eat.

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This will serve to ensure that you are always conscious of Allah (swt). The more conscious you are of Allah (swt), the less likely you are to say bad things to your mother. This is in remembering that Allah (swt) has obliged us to be kind and respectful to our parents, obeying them unless they tell us to do something haram. Remember, all the pains your mother has gone through right from carrying you in her womb for 9 months to raising you and enduring your rude comments to her, yet she still stands by your side and supports you.

 

It may be that the weak mother-daughter relationship between the two of you is why you are finding it so easy to disrespect your mother. If the mother-daughter relationship has never been that strong, then this will make overcoming these difficulties even more difficult. But it is still possible to build this relationship, even at this stage.

 

Organise time together, work on something together, even if it’s just something as simple as cooking a meal together. Working towards the same goal will encourage collaborative working and strengthen ties. It may feel awkward at first, but you need to push through this and persevere and, in sha’ Allah, the relationship will soon begin to blossom. As the relationship grows you will come to have more respect for her. In this specific case, for example, if you cook together and clean up after, you will come to have an appreciation for the hard work that she does on a daily basis that you will never appreciate if you don’t do it for yourself and realise what a challenge it really is. This, for example, will help you to understand and see from her perspective why she gets mad at you for some seemingly small reason like putting a dirty cup in the sink. Appreciating her role will grow your own respect for her, but also let her know that you care and support her, too. Therefore, she might be less inclined to get frustrated with you too.

 

May Allah (swt) bring love and respect between you and your mother and bring happiness into your household.

Salaam. How do I know when things are just over? Like when a marriage is over and a divorce is needed. In our marriage, I can do, say, wear, or think anything; he is never satisfied or happy. If I cook something, he can either do it better he says or it's worthy of garbage. There have been instances of physical violence in the past. It's been 4 years of heart breaking fight after fight. I'm not thin enough. I don't cook Arabic food well enough. (Well, I am American born.) Sigh, too much makeup, then no makeup and I'm ugly. I'm stupid because I don't speak Arabic fluently. Um, of course not...he was supposed to coach me and then all he does is yelling at me. I cry every day. I want to go home to my children in the US. NOTHING here is right. This is not good. What can I do? He refuses to get help or even to talk about it. He yells at everyone; at his parents, too. He won't admit his mistakes and always blames things on others. Help me please! I cannot go on this way.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam,

 

It sounds like your marriage is really not in a good place right now and you are really suffering for it. Obviously, I can’t tell you whether you should divorce this man or not, that is your decision to make, but I can advice you on how to manage the situation.

 

From what you say, it seems like he needs to get some help since he’s suffering from anger problems, even towards his parents, so try not to take it personally. As his wife, you are the one closest to him and so are the one whom it is easier to take his frustrations out on. Unfortunately, you are the one who has to take the brunt of the abuse. No abuse is acceptable, especially of the physical type, and continuing to allow him to abuse you in any way will only let him know that it is OK to behave like this towards you. So, he will continue. That is not to say, however, that you go back and abuse him. But simply let him know in a calm manner that his behaviour is not acceptable.

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If you chose to give your husband time to change, then he needs to know this. Often, people put others down when they feel negatively about their own selves and they lack self-esteem. Putting others down brings their own self-esteem back up as they place others in a place lower than themselves. The trick is to not fall victim to this yourself and understand his reasons behind talking to you in this way. Seek self-esteem boosters elsewhere by surrounding yourself with friends who make you feel good about yourself.

 

Certainly, in Islam, we are encouraged to do all we can to save our marriages even in the toughest of times. But there are times when it will not work and it is ok to pursue divorce. In such cases, there is no shame in chosing this option because sometimes things just don’t work, especially if you have been enduring constant verbal and physical abuse. If this is the route you chose to take, then make sure to enroll the help of your friends and family to support you through a difficult time. Regarding the emotional difficulties faced in a divorce, there are practical implications that will be best managed with the support of others.

 

Alternatively, if you have the means, you might think of going to stay with friends or family for a while to get some space from each other. It would give you the chance to feel some relief and for him a chance to appreciate you in your absence. Alternatively, it might also confirm a choice to seek a divorce to him, too. Being away from him and the situation willhelp you to think with more clarity. It may be that you are so caught up in the emotions on a day-to-day basis that you completely overlook any of his good qualities and the good times you spend together. Or it might be that you realise that his behaviour is so unacceptable that it’s time to be brave and move on from the relationship. This space will allow you to think these things through.

 

It is during this time as well that you could increase your acts of worship to Allah (swt) that you will make the decision that is most pleasing to Him (swt) and will be content with whatever happens in the relationship, be it to stay together or go your separate ways. Finding comfort in the remembrance of Allah (swt) will assist in reducing the stress that you are going through.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you happiness in your decision and peace and contentment in your life however you chose to move forward.

During my childhood, I have seen my father ill-treating my mom. He wasn’t loyal to her and hit her one time. My mother is a very good women and she still took all the effort to save her marriage. Now my father is old and has changed as a person. But still, I’m not able to respect him as a father as I have encountered all those incidents in the past. I love my mother very much and I’m unable to forgive him for what he did with her. I want to know whether it is permissible in Islam to forgive your father if he was bad with your mother in the past. How shall I treat him as I don’t feel any respect toward him.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

 

Witnessing abuse as a child is very distressing and the effects of such so often carry over into adulthood, manifested in emotional difficulties. Nobody likes to see their parents abused, especially by someone else they hold so dearly. This can make the whole process even more stressful.

 

Your father was supposed to play the role of the protector of the family, yet witnessing abuse challenges this and will inevitably make it difficult to have any kind of respect for such a person, especially when your mother was being abused. This can have a lasting impact on your emotions and feelings towards the perpetrator, in this case, your father.

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You say that your father has changed now, alhamdulilah, but you have a hard time forgiving him for the past. This makes it difficult for you to feel any respect for him, even if he has changed. Forgiveness for such terrible behaviour towards your mom and lasting effect it has had on you can seem like quite a difficult task, but there are some things you can think of that might make this a bit easier.

 

Think of any good times you had together and remember these times. Reflect on them and reflect on the good qualities he had, rather than focusing on all the negative memories. He is your father, regardless of his poor behaviour. Regardless of your age, it is important to hold respect for your parents, unless he is doing something or encouraging you to do something that is against Islam.

 

You say he has changed now, so, in sha’ Allah, he no longer behaves in a way that is against Islam. Therefore, it is important to overcome negative feelings for him and pray that he remains a changed man, staying away from the terrible behaviour that he engaged in previously. Perhaps, the reasons for his change is that he feels terrible for what he has done in the past, and is begging for Allah’s (swt) forgiveness, in which case he will need the support to remain straight and avoid the same behaviour again. Even if you don’t feel any respect towards him now, you can try to force yourself to behave in a respectful way. Eventually, it will come natural as the respect for him grows as you build relations with him again.

 

Remember that we all sin; some more than others, and some bigger sins than others. People hope for the forgiveness of others, especially the forgiveness of Allah (swt). When someone has wronged us in particularly, we need to remember that how can we expect Allah (swt) to forgive our own sins if we are not willing to forgive the sins of others. Forgiveness can relieve a lot of pressure and stress that is carried around as a result of ill-feelings to someone who has wronged us. It can feel very liberating just to let go of it. Rather than continually dwelling on it, leave it to Allah (swt) and move on rather than being held back by such heavy feelings. Forgiveness can be a way to soften the heart. It does take time to forgive someone, especially for something so terrible, but keeping Allah (swt) in mind with a decision to forgive and move forward can make this a whole lot easier.

 

May Allah (swt) bring peace and contentment in the lives of you and your parents.

I am 24 years old, and I am dating a guy whose parents want him to marry someone he doesn't love. Now, he is stressed as his father refused his decision. He asks me what to do because we love each other and he doesn't want to lose me. I also need him to be in my life. He keeps asking me what to do. I told him to pray hard to our Almighty Allah so that He can answer our prayer. Both of us are so stressful. Please help us!



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

Marriage can become a stressful thing to approach when it lacks the support from at least one family member, especially when it is one of the parents. This is particularly difficult when the person marries someone else with certain expectations.

 

Ma sha’ Allah, you have taken the best first step in overcoming this difficulty by praying hard to Allah (swt). Once you make this prayer, it is then important that you remain strong in your conviction that Allah (swt) will answer your prayers. If you are firm in your conviction that Allah (swt) knows best, then He (swt) will answer your prayer in the best way when the time is right. Remember that Allah (swt) may take His time in answering your call, but there is Divine Wisdom behind this.

 

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Whilst in such a situation you may get even more stressed, find comfort in the fact that He (swt) has the best reason behind it. If this man is not good for you, then Allah (swt) will make a way for you to be apart and find other spouses and you can be content in the knowledge that this is what is best for you. Likewise, if Allah (swt) says that this man is for you, then He (swt) will make a way for this to happen, too.

 

However, you need to make an effort to move this decision forward. If you just sit back and wait for his father to accept a marriage between the two of you, or wait for another man to come your way, then you could be waiting a long time. If you wish to move forward with a marriage to this man, firstly repent to Allah (swt) for any haram contact you may have with each other, i.e. any contact that you might have had with each other without a mahram present. This can only open the door for Shaytan to open as you develop feelings that commonly develop when a man and woman spend time alone together.

 

Additionally, you might ask him to talk to his father about why he does not wish for you two to get married and have him let his father know that you both want to marry each other. Perhaps, his father is unaware of this and this is why he has tried to pursue marriage to someone else.

 

If he might find this difficult, he might consider getting the support of someone else in his family. Go together with this support to meet his farther so that he knows he is serious about this marriage and that he has the support of others in the family.

 

You might also consider asking your own family to organise a meeting with his family. This way, the two families can get together and talk in more depth about the marriage. His father will have the chance to get to know your family more and, therefore, might be more inclined to accept a marriage between you.

 

Amongst all this, like you said, it is very stressful for you right now, so remember to take care of yourself also. Ensure you eat well and exercise regularly. Keep busy with a hobby, take time to relax away from the stresses of your current situation with a chance to do something that makes you happy. This will also put the best mindset in you to manage the stresses you have been facing.

 

Keep in mind that with difficulties come ease, if only you are patient. Taking care of yourself and remaining firm in your acts of worships will assist in bringing you ease. Aside from these things you might try, continue to remain strong in your prayer and all acts of ibaadah, and, in sha’ Allah, you will be content with whatever outcome Allah (swt) has for you.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you ease in your difficulties and grant you a spouse that will bring happiness and contentment into your life.

 

Salam,

 

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