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General Counseling Session

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
09 April, 2017

Salam `Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters 

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Nasira Abdul-Aleem, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Tuesday, Apr. 11, 2017 | 20:00 - 22:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu Alaikum, I am a Muslim female and I am 24 years old. I have a problem that needs urgent attention. A brother proposed to marry me a few years back but I refused, not because I didn't like him but because I was in a haram relationship with someone, though the haram relationship was started on a marriage note. But I got to know that such relationship is not allowed in Islam. I really like that brother who proposed to me a few years back because of his taqwa, deen, and Islam. The brother is still single at the moment and I've been performing istikhara continuously. I think I want him as a husband. Also, anytime I read any Islamic article and books regarding "loving someone for Allah's sake", I discovered that my likeness for him is truly for Allah's sake. The problem is, I don't know if he still wants me as a wife. Please, what is the wisdom required in dealing with this kind of issue considering my shyness and pride as a woman according to Islamic injunction?



As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Bararkatuhum,

 

I am glad that your haram relationship was started on a marriage note—that helps, but not much. You have a much bigger problem that is your marriage choices. You need to make a huge tawba for your past huge sin of zina. If I were the brother wanting to marry you and I found out about your past, I would not want to marry you until I had determined that you had made huge tawba proving that you were gravely sorry for your past and had repented big-time and done a bunch of stuff to make up for it, like charity and prayer and even hajj—realizing how serious it was. Then, and only then would I talk to you about marriage.

 

If you want to marry a good Muslim brother, you have to respect him by never marrying him unless you are someone who would never commit zina again. And, someone who did a deep and sincere process of repentance about doing it in the past, and did a bunch of stuff to make up for it, like charitable works, like volunteering at a hospital or a nursing home, or giving a lot of money in charity, if you can afford it, or cleaning the masjid, including the toilet … etc. Your charity should start at home—does your mother need help with your siblings? You see my point. Prove to Allah that you are sorry and you want to do things to counterbalance your sin, inshaAllah.

 

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If the brother is like you (has also committed zina in the past), then you are equal, but, in that case, you need the same thing from him – to know that he has not only repented but mended his ways and changed his worldview such that he would never ever commit zina again!

 

However, if he does not have a past history like yours, you have a really big responsibility to him to “clean up your act”! You may really want to consider what the consequences might be if he has never committed zina, ever found out that you had. He may reject you and not love you anymore—if you are already married. Most good Muslim men are not good “enough” to forgive zina in their wives’ pasts—I am not saying that that is “right” to think that way, but humans are humans and you have to take that fact into serious consideration when marrying someone who is religious—or not. Most men think that way—it is a rare man that can forgive zina, even when it is in their wife’s past.

 

One way to find out ahead of time is to ask him—which means you would have to tell him about your past. I am not advising that. Or, you could ask him hypothetically what he would think about something like that – but he will probably catch on that you are talking about yourself.

 

Beyond this problem, if you can get past this hurdle, then, I say yes, you should marry the man for whom you “feel” affection. But, like I said, think seriously, and find out ahead of time, about what would happen if he found out. How would he take it? How would he act? It may cause him to divorce you and if you have children with him, that would be a very serious problem then.

 

InshaAllah, Allah forgive you and guide you to the Straight Path and help you and make it easy for you going forward, fi sa bili Lah (for Allah’s sake). May He strength your resolve and enlighten you about the tricks of the shaitan and humans so that you learn from your mistakes and never fall into any mistake as bad as this ever again, inshaAllah.

As-salam alaikum, I am facing a problem regarding my relationship. Right now, I am a student in a foreign country and I meet a girl who is five years older than me. In the beginning, we were good friends and with time our understanding became more strong and better. I am in the middle of my PhD study and have 2 more years to finish. My friend is having a stable job and sometimes pushes me for the marriage. I have discussed this with my mother as my father has passed away (may his soul rest in peace). My mom has reservation about her age and the future of kid religious grooming. We have started studying the Quran but I know and I feel I am away from Allah. She can follow Islam, but so far she is Buddhist. I don't want to lose a person with whom I have a good understanding which is basis for a good relationship and marriage. Please advice. JazakAllah.



As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Bararkatuhum,

 

Thank you for your question. You mother’s concerns about her age are not valid in Islam; Khadijah, may Allah be pleased with her, was 15 years older than the Prophet (saw) and he loved her and she loved him as much as any two people can love each other!

 

“Real” love (that which makes for the success in a “good” marriage) is respectful. So, if an age-difference problem presents itself, it would get dealt with like any other problem that would present itself in a healthy marriage, with respect and deliberation and patience, etc, because people care about each other and want to support each other and want to get along and not argue and fight.

 

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If by “she can follow Islam”, you mean that you think that she can follow Islam, I think you better ask her first before you make that assumption. If she says “yes” that she can follow Islam, find out if that means that she wants to be Muslim, i.e., take her Shahada or does that only mean that she is willing to follow your rules in your marriage to her. Then, if she is not sure if she wants to take her Shahada, teach her about Islam so that she can figure out if she wants to take her Shahada – do all this before marriage to protect against her motives to take her Shahada being only to marry you.

 

While it is lawful to marry a believing non-Muslim, it is not easy when it comes to the nuts and bolts of the actual marriage process, especially in the way you rear your children together, you need to be on the same page. Her becoming Muslim may go a long way towards your mother accepting her, InShaAllah, because then your mother would not have the argument that you says she now has about raising your kids as Muslims.

 

It may help your mother to teach her a little about Buddhism (if your prospective spouse does not take her Shahada) so that your mother can understand your perspective spouses worldview—Buddhism is a very good religion, short of the fact that modern day Buddhism does not believe in God but only believes in good behavior (from what I have studied about it—maybe I am wrong)—which, by the way, is a very important thing that you need to find out about (if you perspective spouse does not become Muslim) because, when a Muslim man marries a non-Muslim woman, she has to be a “believer”, so make sure she at least believes in Allah.

 

It is very important to try to make your mother feel comfortable about your marriage, but if you cannot, she does not have the right to deny you the right to marry who you please, unless she can prove that the person has a bad character—which, from what you said, she cannot prove any such thing about this woman. This is the hard part – disobeying your mother when she wants something that you don’t want. But, you have the right to branch out on your own in your own life and choose your own path! While this may be hard for her to deal with, it is none the less your human right and Islam.

 

I think it is super important to marry someone with whom you have a serious affection—that is what will keep the marriage going through hard times! InshaAllah.

 

Beyond this, May Allah Make it easy for you and Guide your footsteps and make it easy for your mother—and may she make it easy for you!

 

As-salamu alaikum, I am 25 years old and my husband is 32 years, our marriage was a completely arranged one, I tried to tell him indirectly before marriage that he isn't attracted towards me, but he never paid head to it. We used to make love, but it didn't go till sexual intercourse, after a month of my marriage he told me that he had a serious affair long ago and that girl was double-timing and broke his trust, so he can't trust me. I used to think that my husband didn't get over her, but he assured me that he had no relationship with anyone now. After 3 months without intercourse, I ended up telling my mother that we don't have any physical relation till now. The matters were brought to my in-laws; they took him for a test, the result was that he had hormones problem (low testosterone in his body) doctor said it was due to depression. As my husband said that he didn't have a good childhood his family was not loving and caring towards him (no one even wished him on his birthdays and all).The other major issue is that my husband doesn't work at all, he is a Mba and well educated before marriage, we were told that they have import and export business and sons assist their father after marriage. We were told a lie before marriage that they have a business but in reality, there isn't any business and my husband lives on his father's money, he doesn't spend nor does he have any intention to work; he has become really lazy as he was without work for more than 6 years. Whatever talk I shared with my husband after marriage and before, he went and said everything to his family as I told about his physical problem to my family, he even blames me for his depression, which is not correct at all and he told the psychologist also but in front of his family he lied and his family believes it too. I tried every possible manner to make this marriage work but now my marriage has come to a stand where I don't trust my husband anymore and don't even love him after hearing all that he told his parents. I am really confused as I don't know what to do, I don't see him making any effort to save our marriage. It's been more than two weeks I am back home, but once also my husband didn't ask me why I am not going back to my in-law's place, he isn't interested in me at all that is what he proves me. I want to go for separation but don't know whether it is right or not. Please help me with advice.



As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Bararkatuhum,

 

My dear sister, if there ever was a good, valid reason for divorce, you have it!

 

From your question, it seems that you have no children with this man. That is good. Get out of this marriage as fast as you can before you have children. This is not a marriage in substance. It is misery. Marriage is love and mercy according to Allah’s word in his book. Your marriage is anything but!

 

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There is no injunction in Islam against divorce. Divorce is completely lawful. Divorce was even common in the time of the Prophet (saw). There is an ayah in the Quran that talks about getting divorced three times to the same person, then marrying another person and then divorcing him and then marrying the first person again. that is four divorces. This ayah would not exist if the people—the best Muslims the world has ever known—did not get divorced, a lot.

 

That said, we are not supposed to run to divorce as our first line of defense when our marriages are not working. We are supposed to try to fix them, first. But after then, if they prove unfixable, you have ever right – you even have a duty to yourself – to divorce. My God—you have suffered enough! There is nothing wrong with getting a divorce when it is the right thing to do; it is healthy in that case!

 

The Christians (in the Bible—which is an altered book (altered from the Revelation from Allah) don’t allow divorce and it that prohibition has caused tons of misery and sin in the Western world because our human nature to need physical companionship with someone for whom we feel something is as fundamental to our human needs as food and water is. The only difference is that without food and water we physically die, without love and mercy we emotionally die—unless Allah helps us survive it.

 

Our need for companionship is written into our very natures: Allah says He created us in pairs. Allah alone is “One”, we are not one. We manifest ourselves through the process of interaction. We grow through the process of interaction—reflection back to us of what our behavior feels like and looks like to others—because we do not have that perspective on our own behavior – we need each other to become alive, beyond breathing.

 

The way Allah provided for us to do this in a safe way (which is the way we need for us to feel free to express ourselves) is in family blood but mostly in marriage. Your marriage provides no such thing to you! Please do not think for a minute that you are doing something wrong to want or to get a divorce.

 

The Prophet (saw) had a wife that he was going to divorce because he lost his lust (not love) for her. She asked him to keep her one but not to give her a night. He agreed. In other words, if divorce were unlawful or even awful, our messenger (saw) would not have pursued that path.

 

Please put divorce in a different light in your mind. It is not the first thing we turn to when problems arise but it is the thing we turn to when the problems are abusive or so bad that they are intolerable or the couple is getting nothing out of the marriage anymore. That is marriage material or, as in your case, they are getting nothing out of the marriage at all, marriage material or otherwise.

 

May Allah Make it easy for you!

As-salamu alaikum, I am a Muslim girl living in India. I'm in love with hindu guy. I accepted his marriage proposal after he was willing to convert to Islam for me. He is now ready to convert to Islam. Now I'm 21 years old and we need to get married. But I'm scared to talk about this to my parents. He is so kind and he is the one whom I like to have as my partner. Please give me advice for this and how can I approach my parents. How should I talk to them?



As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Bararkatuhum,

 

Thank you for your question, the problem of Muslim parents misunderstanding the limits of their role in their children’s marital choices is a big problem in the Muslim world, especially in Pakistan and India. Parents actually have no right to decide for their children who they can marry If the suitor is Muslim and has no proofs against his character as a Muslim. If the parents don’t like him, tough for them! You have every right to marry whomever you want unless your parents can prove that he has something wrong with his Islamic character.

 

I know that this thinking goes completely against your culture, so it will not be easy for you to stand up against your parents about this. But, if you get the proofs for what I am saying from the scholars on this website, you will have what you need to show to them that their behavior is not Islamic but from Indian culture. But, be nice about it, unless and until they try to force you to not marry who you want, or to marry someone you do not want to marry. Then, you have a duty to yourself and to Allah to follow the way of Islam and not the way of your family and/or culture. Allah Help you!

 

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Please do not say that your suitor is “hindu”; if he said that he is willing to become a Muslim, he is already Muslim in his heart, inShaAllah,  or at least that is all we can know or can deduct since we can’t see into his heart! If he said that he will become Muslim to marry you only (you said, “…he was willing to convert to Islam for me”) that could be a very serious problem, for him and for you. For him, it could be a problem because Allah does not accept “conversion” that is not actually “belief” but is for marriage or some other reason,  Allah Judges us by our intentions.

 

Also, your security in a marriage as a wife is based on your husband’s taqwa, which means that his awareness of his duty to his Maker is the source of your security, i.e., you getting your rights and your needs met in your marriage. If your suitor does not really believe in Allah and Islam, then you have no security that he is going to have the “God-consciousness” needed to make right decisions in his life, which will be your life after you marry him. The source of a Muslim’s obedience to Allah and doing what is right in marriage and otherwise is taqwa and to have taqwa you need to believe first!

 

Thus, he needs to become a Muslim because he believes in Allah and Islam, not because he wants to marry you, only. And you need to know why he is becoming Muslim before you marry him so that you can know if he will have a God-consciousness in your marriage or not, and, because of that, treat you right, or not. I know, you think that he will treat you right because he is already so kind, and he might.

But, sometimes life throws curve balls at us, and we get tested in ways that make us challenged in new ways, and we change, and we don’t pass our tests, unless Allah helps us because we turned to Him, and all of that needs to take place with your future husband in the religion of Islam so that both of you are on the same page as you go through life’s struggles, inShaAllah.

Another argument against this marriage that your parents may make is his newness to Islam. As a convert myself, I don’t hold this argument up as valid because, when I became Muslim, it only took me two weeks to know that I believed in Islam once I heard about it and since that day, 46 years ago, I have never doubted my decision. All that to say, a new convert is not necessarily less faithful because of his newness than someone who has been in the Deen for a long time or someone born into the Deen.

 

In fact, all the Sahabah were new converts when they were suffering oppression at the hands of the Quraish, and they are the best of us. That is not to say that new converts do not need to manifest his convictions once they are new and that some new converts don’t have strong convictions. But, is there any more security in a person born Muslim, I think not! Or, is a person who has been in Islam a long time a secure choice just because they have a few years under their belts, again, no!

 

But, your parents may not go for these arguments. But it can’t hurt to try. And, if these arguments do not work, their position is not a basis for rejecting him as a suitor. The only legitimate basis for rejecting him as a suitor is proof that he did wrong, not projections into the future that he might do wrong based on no past history of bad behavior.

 

May Allah Make it easy for you.

Dear Counselor, I have been married for nearly 3 years now and I have two beautiful young girls. My husband and I have always had a good sex life. The problem is my husband used to masturbate before we met, and after we got married, he pretty much gave it up. He told me he really didn’t need to do it anymore and would rather have sex than masturbate. But I found out recently he has begun to masturbate again. He told me himself when I jokingly asked if he did. I know everyone is going to say it’s normal, but he never did this regularly and then all of a sudden he is. It also makes him less in the mood if I’m trying to put the moves on him since he’s had his release recently. I feel like I am so totally unattractive that he’s rather do that than be with me. Please Help



As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Bararkatuhum,

 

This question is hard to answer, not because there is no answer but because it is his problem, not yours. Your problem is that he is making his problem yours, Thus, it is hard to answer because we cannot control other people’s behavior.

 

That said, I still do address the problem: I see 3 different perspectives on it:

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1) What is the solution to his problem?

2) How to deal with other people’s problems when they make them yours?

3) What is sex in marriage for?

 

Masturbation is haram. Haram-ness should be enough to stop a Muslim from doing wrong, out of trust in Allah’s Wisdom, fear of His Punishment, and love for obeying Him. Doing haram, specifically, is a big deal because the haram things land you in Hell. But, apparently, that is not enough for your husband to stop, but maybe he does not know. So, out of love for him, enlighten him.

 

The best way to correct people (especially one in power) is with proofs from hadith and Qur’an, i.e., don’t just say something is wrong, prove it. You can write to the scholars on this website for those proofs.

 

Beyond that, Allah designed us to need to know the reasons for things because we have to choose. Unlike the angels and plants and animals and solar system, we have to choose to obey Allah; those things obey Allah (live in their fitra) without the ability to disobey.

 

To choose, we need to know the reasons for things so that we can agree or disagree, except with the haram. When Allah Says something is haram, that is different. In that case, we are not free to choose; we are supposed to obey, even If we don’t know the reason(s) for the thing, out of trust in Allah that He knows what is right for us and out of fear of His punishment if we disobey.

 

That said, even when we know the reasons for things we still disobey because Allah created the world and shaitan to deceive us into thinking that we need something when we do not need, i.e., we desire it, so we thank God for His Mercy and Forgiveness when we fall into that trap. After we realize it that it is wrong, we repent. If the desire is what is driving your husband’s choice rather than Allah’s rules, it may help him to tell him the reasons it is haram, to help strengthen him against the deception of the world and shaitan. You can get those reasons too from the scholars, but I will also take a shot at them.

 

Only Allah is All-Knowing, so I don’t pretend to know all the reasons, but one reason I can think of is that masturbation is a misuse of the male member. It was not created for self-satisfaction only. It was designed for marital relations, i.e., interaction with a person with whom you have a special relationship of love and mercy. And, it procreates, i.e., makes human beings, these are no small matters! And, as such, they need to be honored and protected!

 

Marriage is a unique relationship that our Prophet (saw) describes as next to Godliness, if Allah had allowed shirk, He would have told our Messenger (saw) to order the wife to bow down to her husband, which He did not do! Why this extreme devotion? What is in the marriage that makes the wife’s relationship to the husband so unique in this way? My answer is provision.

 

Provision is what we turn to our Lord for and what we need from our husbands. In return, we obey them in order to give them something too, out of a reciprocal responsibility to them, anything short of that is akin to theft (they give and we give nothing back). Now, most men are shortsighted and think that their duty to “care for women and children” only means money (food, clothing, and shelter).

 

That is not correct. There is more to our world and life than our material needs; we are feeling creatures! That material assessment of things is devoid of any understanding of the role that our emotions play in our lives. Khadijah (May Allah Have Mercy on her), the wife of the Prophet (saw), supported the Prophet monetarily.

 

So, how did he, our example of how to live our life as Muslims, do his duty to care for women and children if she was supporting him. InShaAllah, the answer is: he took care of her emotional needs. The best way for a husband to care for a wife’s emotional needs is to fulfill her emotional relationship with her husband, which for her manifests in her sexual drive. Unlike men, women’s sexual world is emotional.

 

Men’s sexual drive is sensory, i.e., visual and touch, he has to find the woman physically attractive, without that, he does not feel a physical response much. Most women don’t care about appearance, they want love and concern, they get turned on by a man with the good sense to hear their ideas and respond, i.e., serve their needs. Their sexual needs exist in that context, not outside it. He does not need her to give him an orgasm, short of her cooperation. She needs him to give her one (and the best of men are those who are good to their wives, i.e., that is one of the most important ways in which men are supposed to obey Allah).

 

So, the male member is for providing for his wife, and not physically in a vacuum of emotion. When a man gives a woman an orgasm, that, more than anything else in this world, makes him feel like a man. It is challenging to give a woman an orgasm. A man has to figure out how to serve her needs, unselfishly. Most men don’t know how to be unselfish! They think that being in charge means be a dictator.

 

I am very happy that you had a happy sex life before because that means your husband knows how to satisfy you. However, it is sad that he now makes you feel unwanted. Everything in life has a purpose that has nothing to do with this life has everything to do with the Next. If he could realize that, his desire for how to gain “worldly” pleasure might change inShaAllah.

 

Lastly, the way to deal with oppression (your husband not taking care of your needs) is to ask Allah for Help, stand up for yourself by telling him why his behavior is wrong (in a nice way, he may not know he is oppressing you), and know that whatever harm you suffer in this life, Allah will (inShaAllah) reward you for your suffering in the Next, InShaAllah!

 

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