Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,
We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.
We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.
Monday, Jul. 16, 2018 | 08:00 - 09:00 Makkah | 05:00 - 06:00 GMT
Session is over.
Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,
We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.
We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.
Salam Aleikom. I want to divorce my wife at present i don't feel any interest in her now.i have a daughter 1-year-old. Actually it all started with arguments with my mother and wife.both have mistakes but the problem with my wife is she shouts and doesnt have control over things.she threatened me about suicide and also poisoning my daughter.she beat me in anger in front of her mother,grandmother and sister on which her sister said you are doing sin.she has done it many times in room and at home but now she did it in public. she wanted to live separate.i am only son cant leave my ailing mother and father.i dont trust my wife as i am confident now she is suffering psychologically.i even told her brother before that she should consult a counselor but my wife refused many time. presently i feel to be alone.i am only worried abt my daughter but i feel i cant continue this relationship now.i want to give every happiness to my daughter now but i am afraid that i cant give her this right that her parents live together.i used to support my wife but her behavior is not acceptable.i am also worried abt her mental condition as she said she will sucide that why i dont trust her and i feel she might do something in future if some argument occur.no home is perfect i tried from my side to ignore her mistakes but her behavious is very bad against my parents if they say something and with me se should have not beaten me in front of her family.i am so depress but i trust ALLAH and am sure HE will guide me.that why i want your opinion what shuld i do a si am not feeling good to continue.i gave this 2 months now ,after two months i came to conclusion that i should not continue i feel i cant tolerate her now her behaviour her abusive language.i know in past my mom also said something to her but she used to reteliate back and i never interefered between them.but i feel now her anger is very dangerous in anger and argument with me in past she beat our 2 month old daughter and also when she was 6 months but i ignored thought she was angry but a woman with no control over anger can be lethal .i get angry but i have never seen such anger and short temperedness.
As salamu alaykum brother,
Shokran for writing to our live session. I am truly sorry for all you have been going through with your wife, may Allah grant you ease and mercy in this situation.
Given all, she has done (the abuse, the poisoning of your child, the outrageous temper, and general instability) you have every right to divorce brother.
It seems you have been going through this for some time now and you have done all that you can. You even tried to get your wife to go to counseling (which she desperately needs) many times and she refused.
As your wife refuses to get help, it is incumbent upon you as a father, a son and a Muslim to ensure your family is safe. As it is now, no one is safe. I would kindly advise you to seek the services of a lawyer as well as your imam at the Masjid to assist you in either separation and or divorce. As she is violent and tried to poison your daughter, beat your daughter when she was 2 months old and beat her again at 6 months old (if I read correctly, please forgive me if I am wrong) she could also be arrested. This is horrific. She needs to leave the home immediately before someone ends up dead. She probably is suffering from a mental illness as you suspect and I would kindly advise you to call 911 should she have another outburst.
I understand you’re wanting your child to have a two parent home brother but at what price? Hell? Your child has been beaten since 2 months of age and her mother poisoned her. Your daughter will likely be severely injured both physically and psychologically should your wife remain in the home.
Perhaps your family doctor can get a 5150 (involuntary psychiatric hospital admittance) due to the severity of the situation. Please forgive me for not knowing the options in your country however insha’Allah they may be similar. Please insha’Allah, get help now to remove her from the home. You are in our prayers brother, please let us know how you and your daughter are doing. May Allah protect you and your family.
Salam. I pray, read the Quran, give charity, kind to my mom. I can't stop looking at the opposite sex. I am disabled and can't marry (due to low income). I am ashamed to say I sexually molested some younger girls in the past. What should I do? will I be forgiven? If I marry someone, can I keep it a secret?
As Salam Alaykum brother,
Shokran for writing to our live session. Brother as you are 36 years old, it is normal for you to be looking at the opposite sex. While you’re not supposed to be looking at women in a haram way, it is less your body telling you that you need to be married. However, I think you already know this.
You stated that you can’t marry due to your low income. In certain circumstances, that should not be a barrier to marriage. While yes, the husband is supposed to provide for his wife, there are certain situations wherein couples can agree to support each other. This would be ideal if your situation were different. You seem like a really good brother, you stated that you pray, and read Qur’an, you give charity, and your kind to your mom.
You are also disabled. That should not be a barrier to marriage either. While a low income and certain disabilities may make getting married harder, it most certainly is not a complete barrier. With Allah, anything is possible.
The main barrier here brother is that you sexually molested young girls in the past. That is an extremely serious issue and I cannot recommend that you seek marriage at this time due to this. The fact that you would ask to keep it a secret is bothersome. Especially if you have children or the woman you marry has children from a previous marriage. While we are not to broadcast our sins, there are certain conditions which require the insurance of children’s safety.
I kindly suggest brother that you, first of all, seek counseling. I am not sure if you’ve had counseling in the past or not, however being that you can’t stop looking at the opposite sex, you probably do want to get married, and you have a history of molesting young girls- counseling is a must.
Brother if you were low income and disabled only I would be encouraging you to seek marriage. But I am instead encouraging you to seek counseling due to the molestation in the past. While your question was rather short and there are many questions left unanswered, I can only hope that the molestation of young girls did not continue and has not become a pattern.
I kindly suggest that you do repent and seek forgiveness from Allah for molesting those young girls if you have not already. Allah is most merciful brother and he loves to forgive, and he forgives all sins except for shirk upon death. While your sins are forgiven by Allah, you still need to get counseling as human nature is prone to sin. Oftentimes men who molest children don’t stop. The feelings to molest children continue and more children become victims. I am not saying you will molest young girls again, but that is the danger and that is why a recommendation for counseling is needed.
Please do follow up with counseling brother, you are in our prayers.
Salam. I am in a very terrible trouble. I don't know whether I have done shirk or it is OCD. I am getting very vulgar, dirty thoughts on Allah. I am really ashamed to say about it out. Before, I had a strong relationship with Allah. I love him so much but now I don't feel it. I prayed and asked dua near Allah. To show me where I will abode in the hereafter and am I a muttaqun and the reply was -hell what a terrific place and Allah hates mushrik and the reply is from tafsir Quran. I have this problem from my grade 8 but however, I overcome it and this time I have sunken in that. I didn't offer my prayers too. I can feel a fear in my heart whenever I try to go out It overcomes me and I feel ashamed to stand in front of my lord.iam not rich to go out to a psychologist. And I love my lord so much once my world revolved sound only Allah now I feel very far away from him and I feel like there is no come back from this. I want my Allah back. I love him so much. Please help me.
As salaam Alaykum brother,
Shokran for writing to our live session with your concerns.
I am sorry to hear about your issues with the possible obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). You stated that you have “very vulgar dirty thoughts about Allah and that you’re very ashamed to say it out loud”. Your thoughts are running and you cannot stop them. As I can imagine dear brother, this must be a very frightening experience.
Previous to this you had a strong relationship with Allah. You also discussed how you prayed and may dua to Allah to show you where your abode will be in the hereafter. From what I could understand, you got a negative response. I am not clear if this is due to a possible OCD disorder or something else.
Brother, you mentioned that you had problems similar to this from 8th grade on, but overcame them. This time you feel you have sunken so low, that you can’t “get out of it” and you also don’t keep your prayers which is bothering you. I am feeling that it is possibly a mental health issue. I kindly suggest that you do go to a clinic or Counseling Center for an assessment.
I am not familiar with the mental health facilities in your country, however, there should be a counselor, a center, or a clinic that would offer free counseling for youth. You may want to begin by talking with your family doctor. Perhaps he can make a recommendation to somewhere.
Brother, it is vital that you get an assessment for a possible OCD anxiety disorder. I cannot diagnose you but from what you wrote it does resemble OCD, but it may be something different altogether. As you are suffering and scared brother, you need to know that you don’t have to suffer. You can get treatment. Treatment does take dedication and hard work, but I am confident that insha’Allah you will get through this and have your life back.
Please insha’Allah, tell your parents so they can help you. You don’t have to suffer from these terrible thoughts and feelings. You stated, “I love my Lord so much I want my Allah back, I love him so much”. Brother, you can have all these good things back but you have to take the steps and get help. Please do see a counselor as soon as possible. You are in our prayers we wish you the best. Please let us know how you are doing.
Assalamu Alaikum. My grandma on mom's side is so kind and she's one of the most important people in my life, and we have a really close relationship. And 3 years ago, my uncle got married. After that, my "aunt" and grandma bonded quickly, and after 1 1/2 years, I felt that I became jealous, not like very jealous as I am now, but just a little.
Now I feel like they exclude me, we don't hang out like before and they always hug and kiss in front of me and talking and EVERYTHING to make me feel left out, and I'm very sad lately. Even though I and my grandma have a close bond, I feel like my new aunt is trying to take her away from me. My grandma describes her like an innocent, kind, timid woman...but I have a strong feeling she's faking it. When we're alone, I can observe that she gets a bit ignorant and not the one that grandma thinks she is. One time she stared at me with an evil face when we were alone after she made me feel left out.
Now, she has the evil eye. Is this my fault? Am I evil now? I'm just so very sad that she likes to do this to me. Now, because she got affected by that, grandma thinks she's so beautiful when people even say she isn't. Grandma comes to me and she'll be like "SHE'S SO PRETTY IM AFRAID SHE'LL DIE OF EVIL EYE" even though I (think) that it's because of me that envies her bond with grandma.
What should I do? I don't have the courage to tell this to my grandma at the time. Is this "aunt" faking it all? Should I make dua? I'm really sad and sorry that this was so long.
As salam Alaykum brother,
Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear about the issues you are going through concerning your grandma and your new auntie. You are very close to your grandmother and you describe her as one of the most important people in your life. What a blessing!
Brother, it is understandable that you feel hurt and left out concerning her new relationship with your uncle’s wife. You did admit that you felt jealous and you feel like they exclude you. Also, you also don’t hang out with your grandma like before. Your observations of them hugging and kissing in front of you, as well as talking -makes you feel left out and sad.
Brother, it is quite possible that your grandma is not excluding you. Maybe she does when they are having “women talk/time” but she loves you very much. You are one of the most important people in her life too.
It could possibly be that your uncle’s wife is innocent, kind, and timid as your grandmother describes. Your grandma has been around for a while brother and she is very wise. Perhaps that is why your grandmother felt it necessary to reach out and include her as a family- as she should. Perhaps your uncle’s wife moved from somewhere far away and was feeling scared and lonely. Or perhaps your grandma is just a very welcoming loving person.
Love is a solid feeling. Your Grandma loves you. And she also loves your mom, your uncle, and other relatives. She now loves your new auntie. This does not take away from the love she has for you. While her time may be a little more limited because there is another family member, perhaps she feels that you were old enough and mature enough to understand this. Obviously, this shift in the relationship has hurt you very much.
I kindly advise you to talk to your grandma- not about your auntie-but about you and how you feel. Take her out to lunch somewhere or for some tea and sit down where it’s quiet and you won’t have any interruptions. Explain to her that you’ve missed her and you’ve been feeling left out lately. Tell her that you still need her in your life and you still want to do things with her. Please do not mention anything about you thinking your auntie has the evil eye. Your grandma may, in fact, feel that you are jealous, and I am sure you do not want her to think that. While jealousy is not a good thing, it is normal sometimes to feel that way. We have to work really hard though to let go of jealous feelings as they are not the only haram, but they are unhealthy thoughts and feelings. Please make duaa to Allah to help you overcome these feelings.
If you’re concerned about your auntie’s character please do insha’Allah speak with somebody else such as your mom. Ask her what she thinks about your auntie and if she is good friends with her. Please do not talk bad about her as this would be backbiting. What you are seeking is another opinion verifying that your auntie is indeed a good person. Perhaps your mom can give you some insight that will make you feel more compassionate towards her. Often times we may think one way about a person because of the way they act and we don’t even know what they’ve been through.
Sometimes when we’re close to somebody and someone new comes along and gets their attention, we feel that it is on purpose. We can even sometimes feel that they’re doing it to hurt us! When in fact that is not the case at all.
You have been in the family since you were born and you are loved dearly. Your new Auntie, on the other hand, is a new member of the family and probably feeling rather scared and not really sure where she fits in. Possibly your grandma in her wisdom sensed this and tried to make her feel included.
Insha’Allah brother, everything will work out. Please do talk to your grandma about how you feel and how much you miss her. Ask your mom about your auntie and but don’t talk bad about her because that is haram.
Lastly, please do make an effort to make your auntie feel welcomed in your presence. It could be that your new auntie senses your jealousy and she feels you don’t like her. Wouldn’t that be sad? Perhaps she would like a little nephew to hang with but is picking up the vibe that you don’t like her. Therefore please do make an effort to be her friend. You may find that you actually like her and perhaps she will one day be a very important person in your life. We wish you the best.
Salam, I am a young person. When I was even younger like 16 I gained an interest in Egypt and read about kings in Egypt and everyone is aware how these kings bellied themselves to be astaghfirullah you know GODs (Allah forgive me). Then I read a story about a boy who had a major GOD Complex. It was more of a cautionary tale about arrogance and in the end, he faced the punishment. I stopped reading these things when I became aware of how bad they were. I am not educated in Islam so I didn't realize I was committing Shirk, now I am more close I found out that I may have unintentionally committed shirk by reading this story and history. I get evil whispers saying that no matter how much I ask for forgiveness Allah will never grant me Jannet and u should give up. I feel terrible. And depressed and have lost the motivation to do anything. I prayed for forgiveness did ghusal and read the shadah. I feel so ashamed and fearful Allah will never forgive me for my silly mistakes as a naive 16-year-old child, have I committed shirk and how can I deal with this?
As salamu alaykum brother,
Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand your question, you stated when you were 16 you developed an interest in Egypt. You read many things about the kings in Egypt and then you read a story about a boy who had a major God complex. You indicated this was more of a cautionary tale about arrogance but in the end,d he faced punishment. At this point,t you stopped reading when you became aware of how bad it was. So your question is if you were committing shirk.
Brother, I’m not exactly sure what your activities entailed besides reading. The question that you must ask yourself is, did you engage an act of worship not for the sake of Allah but directed towards other deities? If you did and you were not knowledgeable about Islam, you did not know you were committing shirk as you stated.
As you know Allah swt is the most merciful, most forgiving and He forgives all sins except for shirk at the time of death. If you feel that you did commit shirk (and only you know what activities you engaged in), insha’Allah brother, please do repent to Allah and ask for forgiveness. When we sincerely repent to Allah it is like our slate is wiped clean, we are forgiven. With this knowledge of Allah’s love and mercy, you need to let go of the past concerning your possible sin of shirk and move on with you life, focusing on other things which are more conducive to your Islam and your life. It seems that this has been in your mind for a long time tormenting you brother, but if you believe in Allah’s promise to forgive then you can be sure you are forgiven.
The evil whispers can either be something your mind has produced out of anxiety (obsessive compulsive disorder) and worry or it may be the shaitan. When these thoughts come brother, seek refugee in Allah and make duaa. Next, replace the negative statement with a positive (i.e. yes, Allah has forgiven me) and repeat this process until it stops. It can be quite possible it has turned into a learned thought-one which you taught yourself when you discovered you may have committed shirk. You probably thought Allah would never forgive you. By thinking this over and over for a year-it became part of your cognitive process. You can change it brother by replacing the negative thought with the positive. If you are unsuccessful, please do seek counseling with a therapist who is familiar with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
AboutIslam states, “There is no doubt shirk is an unforgivable sin. However, a person who has renounced shirk and affirmed the faith in the Oneness of Allah has left it behind and started a clean slate. So, it does not matter that he or she committed shirk in the past. The testimony of faith or shahadah wipes out the past; this is why all those who had been guilty of the most sins including shirk and bowing and sacrificing to the idols and became Muslims later were forgiven.”
Brother as you can see, if you have sincerely repented and said shahada Allah will and has forgiven you. Please do insha’Allah, work on correcting your thinking in regards to the negative thoughts. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.
I am nineteen years old, and in these two past years, I committed very serious sins. I engaged in sexual activities with three different men (at different times). I went as far as to giving oral to one of them. I never had intercourse (penetration) with any of these men. I deeply regret all of this actions. I wish to never return to these actions ever again until I am married. I think about it all the time and I wish I can go back in time and take it all away.
I have three questions. One, am I still a virgin? The western definition is very confusing so I wish to know the answer according to Islam. Two, and more importantly, how can I repent? I don't know the actions I must take to completely repent. Three, how can I live with the guilt. It's like a shadow in my life that won't let me live my life, enjoy my family and friends or create happy memories. I think about it all the time and I feel like I am drowning. Also, I often think that I won't deserve my future husband because of what I have done.
I feel dirty and damaged. Please help me, give me guidance, and help me once again be happy and closer to Allah. Thank you for your time and consideration. My father is a Muslim, but my mother isn't, so although I grew up knowing principals of Islam, I never was taught how to pray or correctly repent (other than feeling guilty and saying sorry). I would really love some personal guidance and help. I want to move away from my sins and feel closer to Allah.
As salamu alaykum sister,
Shokran for writing to our live session. You stated that you committed some very serious sins in the past (as we all have). Sister, I can hear your regret, your remorse, fear as well as your deep sadness in your question. It is obvious that you are very sorry and do want to repent.
Sister when we repent to Allah, we pray and ask him to forgive us for a sin we committed. When asking for repentance and forgiveness we need to ensure we are true, sincerely sorry for the sin we committed. We also need to be sure we are determined not to commit that sin again. We also need to be aware to keep away from things that will lead us to that sin. That is one of the key things of repentance, otherwise, we would just keep sinning doing the same old sin over and over and asking for forgiveness. Doesn’t work that way. True sincerity and a resolution to never commit the sin again are vital. It is also recommended to repent after salat.
Allah loves to forgive and Allah is so merciful sister. The only thing that Allah does not forgive is shirk at the time of death. In the Qur’an, it states,
“And most surely I am most Forgiving to him who repents and believes and does good, then continues to follow the right direction.” (Qur’an, 20:82)
“Say: O my servants! who have acted extravagantly against their own souls, do not despair of the mercy of Allah; surely Allah forgives the faults altogether; surely He is the Forgiving the Merciful.”(Qur’an 39:53).
Sister, regarding your question of whether or not you are still a virgin, technically if you have not had sex vaginally you are a virgin. This is a confusing topic I know because there are many different versions, however, this is the most commonly accepted version. In some cultures girls and women will do all sorts of haram things such as anal sex, oral sex, touching private parts, etc to release the tension of sexual desires and yet still preserve their virginity, meaning no vaginal sex. All of this is haram as any sexual behavior belongs in a marital relationship, with the exception of anal sex which is forbidden.
You asked how can you live with the guilt. Sister, by repenting you are asking Allah to forgive you which means you need to let it go. If we pray to Allah for forgiveness and repent we can’t hang on to our sin. Yes, we must remember not to fall into the same sin. That’s our promise and that’s wisdom. However,r we have to erase it from our mind and stop obsessing over it because that is not healthy. In addition to not being healthy,y it is also doubting Allah’s Mercy and forgiveness. While it’s human nature to feel guilty about something we’ve done, we have to also trust in Allah that he has forgiven us. When we repent it’s like starting over. Instead of continuing to feel guilt, try to replace it with feelings of thankfulness and joy that Allah loves you so much and is so merciful that you are forgiven.
You should not talk about your past sins that you repented for, you should not tell a potential husband or spouse or anybody for that matter. Allah has covered your sins when you repented and you should too. Look to the light-to your Beloved…you stated that you committed these very serious sexual acts that are haram and here you, are deeply regretting all of these actions. You feel deep regret and remorse and this is drawing you closer to Allah. It’s instilled in you a deep desire to learn about Islam, how to pray, how to repent, as well as becoming a better Muslim. This is the one of the gifts of repentance. What was horrendous, has turned into a beautiful light that has brought you closer to Allah.
Sister, I would kindly suggest that once you repent to Allah that you let go of these thoughts about your sins. Trust Allah swt has forgiven you and move on with your life. Do not discuss them with anybody for any reason. I would also kindly suggest insha’Allah, that you start going to the Masjid for prayers, attend Islamic events, start to meet Muslim sister and develop friendships. Insha’Allah, start taking Islamic classes to increase your knowledge. You can teach yourself to pray by going to this link here (2). There are 7 video’s. Or you can ask a sister at the Masjid to teach you. Start reading Qur’an, and learn how to do dhkir, which is a remembrance of Allah.
What started out as something devastating and sinful, has turned into something that has led you back to the path of Islam. Welcome home-We wish you the best.