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General Counseling Live Session

Hannah Morris
15 October, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that Ask the Counselor section is going to hold its next counseling live session on October 17th at 08:30 GMT/ 11:30 Makkah time.

If you have any question related to marriage, parenting, or mental health, feel free to submit it during the session on this page or send it prior to [email protected]

Questions get answered during the session by our counselor, sister Hannah Morris.

The service is completely anonymous!

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Monday, Oct. 17, 2016 | 11:30 - 13:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-Salaamu 'Alaykum, I am surely suffering from OCD. I fail to understand why I get obsessed with people, and this ruins my life and the relation. Back in 2008, I intended to marry a guy, but I got so obsessed with him that it ruined everything. At that time, I could not realize it was an obsession. Later, I got close to Allah and developed a fear of getting married or loving someone for this might hamper my relation with God. Last year, I came across a guy and we were about to get married. But again I got obsessed with him, and it ruined everything. I didn't tell him about my previous relation and how my OCD ruined it as he would not able to understand my situation and would just instead criticize me. I want to get over this; like this I can never get married. I want to love Allah above all and His Messenger (peace be upon him), but I don't want this problem to spoil my life either. May Allah help me.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

 

Indeed, OCD or symptoms of OCD, regardless of if there is an actual diagnosis of OCD, can be very distressing when they begin to impact on important areas of a person’s life.

 

It is often said that symptoms of OCD can be a result of Shaytan’s whispers. We know that, from an Islamic perspective, we are encouraged to marry for a multitude of reasons – it can bring us closer to Allah (swt), bring us happiness, and obviously it is the only halal way of increasing the Muslim population. Shaytan does not like this and will do all he can to prevent it, whether by interfering in a happy marriage or even stopping someone from desiring to marry in the first place.

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In this case, the best way to start would be to always be cautious to protect yourself from Shaytan and his whispers. This is done simply by bringing Allah (swt) to mind as often as possible. Ask for Allah’s (swt) protection, keep yourself busy in acts of worship, and keep Allah (swt) in mind in everything you do so that you do not even give Shaytan the space to influence your thoughts and decisions. Keeping busy in remembrance of Allah (swt) will allow you to ignore any obsessive thoughts you might have and, therefore, you will be less inclined to give them the time. If it is, indeed, the whispers of Shaytan, then he will tire of trying to influence you as he realises that his whispers are fruitless and having no effect on your behaviour. So, he will leave you alone and not put such intrusive thoughts into your mind anymore. Actually, moving forward with a marriage will further reinforce the fact that such thoughts are not getting to you and are not deterring you from doing what you want to do in following Allah’s (swt) instructions.

 

Keeping in mind that Allah (swt) actually tells us to get married, you should not be afraid to move forward with this. It is a way of expressing our love for Him (swt) as we follow his instructions to us. If you marry a good spouse, it should in no way hamper your relationship with Allah (swt) and should, in fact, do quite the opposite. A good spouse will love you for the sake of Allah (swt) and, therefore, will only encourage you to get closer to Allah (swt) and support you in this. He will understand your problems and support you in getting through them.

 

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you to overcome these obsessive thoughts and move forward in pursuing marriage and finding happiness and contentment in it.

 

Salam,

Salam, I am writing to you because I feel I have no other way out and would like to seek some advice. A month ago, my husband gave me divorce three times out of anger in front of my family. We just had a very big argument, I shouted at him for a lot of things: he treats me bad, makes me feel small and humiliates me a lot. There had also been a fight between him and my brother-in-law the night before due to my sister sticking up for and out of anger, calling him an idiot and in return some words that he had used against her. I got married three years ago at the age of 21. I was very young and naive and had had a live marriage. I didn’t think of all the cultural expectations that marriage would bring and I was desperate to get married as I thought I had met the guy of my dreams. The marriage was accepted by both sides and we got married. After I moved in with his family, I started experiencing problems with the in-laws. I was always shy and quiet and had problems in socializing and being around large crowds. It seemed like I had landed myself in the greatest fear I had within me. His family were very loud, and a lot of extended family were always around, I was made to perform a some cultural rituals where i had to cut fish in front of his whole family, i felt scared and humiliated as i did not know how to cook previously i just felt like they were all watching me and thought i was weird. Days went passed and i was getting worse, i would not come down n when i did, i would be quiet. My husband got annoyed and angry at me, i made effort here and there, i felt like his mum was getting aggressive with her words because she felt like i wasn’t good enough for him and i wasn’t doing what she had wanted as a daughter in law. I tried really hard to overcome my fears. And my sister in law helped me by talking to me and offering help when i needed it. It was still never enough for his mother. I felt like all she wanted was a stay in door slave she would always make indirect comments and use the most abusive language while talking to others about me, this created a lot of problems between me and my husband, sometimes he would defend me, other time we would argue and physically fight. Three years has now gone past, in the middle of our marriage there was a confrontation between me and mother in law. She told me i go and sleep around with other men and the moment she said that my anger fueled and i told her to go and die, after that i apologized, his dad came in my room and hit me, i went through a lot but i stayed for my husband, my husband has defended me a lot with his family but the most important thing he hasn’t done for me and that is to move out with me. That is not my home, i feel like im a lodger ts not my home. Now after saying divorce to me iv been staying at my mums for over a month. Hes said he doesn’t know what to do and needs more time o decide, but iv a feeling he will come up with so many conditions and if i dont agree to them he wont take me back. We have a two year old son, if he doesnt care for me, why does he not put our son first. Im stuck, i dont know what to do.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

It is understandable why you feel so confused right now when you have been treated so badly by your in-laws and your husband has declared a divorce seemingly out of frustration or anger. But you also have a child together and your concern is that even if he doesn’t care about you, he should at least care about your child.

 

To reassure you about what went on previously, try thinking about it this way: you say you felt humiliated because you were made to do things that you didn’t know how to do like cutting fish, but maybe they just wanted to help you to develop the skills to be able to cook for yourself. If they just sat back and did it all for you and didn’t ask you to do it, then how would you learn? You probably felt like you were being humiliated because you didn’t know how to do it, but it might be that you just felt very self conscious as we all do when people observe us doing something that we don’t know how to do. It is then common to feel like people are mocking us when they are not simply because we are not confident in what we are doing as it’s something new.

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As for his mother’s attitude, again try looking at it from a different perspective. Perhaps, she didn’t intentionally mean to be aggressive, and since you were not entirely familiar with her mannerisms, you just took it this way, perhaps compared to those of your own mother. On the hand, if she actually was being intentionally aggressive, try and look at the situation from her perspective: you were in her house and had married her son and, therefore, he was giving you the time that he once gave her. This can be difficult for parents to give up, especially when everyone is all still living under the same roof.

 

Being in the same house together all the time will often lead to difficulties due to not having time away from each other to appreciate the best things about the other. Also, try to empathise with the situation of your husband who probably felt torn between the respect he has for his parents as they raised him and as we are told to in Islam, but also he has his responsibilities towards you to protect you and respect your rights, too. This must have been an incredibly difficult situation for him to be in, so try and see it from his perspective as well. Try and imagine how you would feel if you were in his position. It might make it easier to understand why he behaved the way he did.

 

Whilst this doesn’t solve the situation you are in now, it can help to soften your heart about everything that happened in the lead up to the divorce and make it easier to move forward with a calm approach and place you in more of a position to make rational decisions about the future. Along with cooling your attitudes to what has happened in the past, you must also ensure that this does not prevent you from praying to Allah (swt) to help you through this situation. You now have the space away from the case, so it will make it easier to reflect on what has happened and find time to pray more, make sincere du’aa’ to Allah (swt), and find solace in reading the Qur’an. This will also bring you comfort in your situation and confidence that Allah (swt) will guide you to move forward in the way that is most pleasing to Him (swt).

 

For now, give your (ex)husband the time that he says he needs to think things through. You need to also reflect on what’s happened and work on your relationship with Allah (swt). At this point, don’t place any unnecessary pressure on him. Use this as an opportunity improve your relationship with Allah (swt). This will also help to make you content with whatever happens in the future as you become happy and content with the Will of Allah (swt).

 

When he is ready to talk, it is advisable to do so in the presence of your local imam, firstly because since you are now divorced according to Islam, you are presently haram for each other. Secondly, if you decide to get back together and there are any conditions to be placed on the marriage that you are unhappy with, then you have a third party present to discuss compromises in such.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you peace and comfort in remembrance of Him (swt), and may He (swt) make the outcome of whatever happens in your relationship that which is best for you both and your child.

 

Salam,

 

Assalamu Alaikum. I am from Egypt and I love a sister from the US. We are thinking to get married. I'm almost 27 and she is almost 22. The story starts when she was a random Facebook friend of mine. One day, I sent her an eBook about Islam just as I did to other people. Few months later, she told me that she said her Shahadah and asked me not to tell anyone. I congratulated her and that was all. Few months later, I started teaching Arabic online and was looking for students who might be interested to learn. I offered the opportunity to her, but she said she can't afford it, so I offered to help her for free. She thanked me and we started a conversation: she told me about her moving to a new place and I asked about her family for which she said she lives alone. I told her that inshaAllah she will find a good brother to marry and live with him. After one week, she messaged me and said that she wants to tell me something. She said that she is having dreams about me almost every night. I asked her what she sees. The dreams included me and her married and having 2 boys and a girl, and I'm praying Islamic prayer with them. She said she didn't want to tell me, but she finally had to because the dreams were repeating themselves and started to be annoying. I trust her and I believe she told me the truth because I know her as an honest person. This happened over a year ago and since then we have been talking to know each other more and eventually decided to get married. Only due to the financial situation, we kept delaying it. Although, this year we had lots of misunderstandings because of the cultural differences, we could successfully get over them. She graduated last Friday and since I can't get a visa to the US, we decided to meet in December in Egypt to get married. My family knows and accepted her and her family does the same. We have great love for each other and can't wait to meet. Please, give us some advices to have a successful marriage, Insha'Allah. Sorry for the long story. Jazakum Allahu khairan.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum brother,

 

May Allah (swt) grant you a happy marriage together.

 

The first thing I would advise now as you are about to enter marriage to this woman is to ensure that you are not randomly friends with any other sisters online (or in real life) that you could not be a mahram to. You can see in your situation how something seemingly innocent like sharing an e-book resulted in you eventually having conversations with her which has lead to a relationship and now marriage. I know this sounds like a bit of negative start, but engaging in conversations online can lead to haram relationships as likely as can they face-to-face. In the eyes of Islam, there is really no difference as you see there are many stories reported when people have had extra marital affairs after meeting online, so Shaytan can still be a third person when chatting online.

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It would, therefore, be advisable that you begin by seeking repentance for your haram relations with this woman before getting married. This may sound a bit harsh, but it is best to start your marriage to this woman on a good footing by asking Allah’s (swt) forgiveness. Alhamdulilah that due to the distance you were obviously unable to consummate this relationship, so not all boundaries were crossed, but you can do all you can from this point to ensure that they wont be. So, you can begin with asking Allah (swt) to protect you from Shaytan, keeping close to Him (swt) by engaging in as many acts ofworship as you can, and abstaining from free mixing and being alone with other sisters (online or in person).

 

Beyond this, keep in mind that you are from two different cultural backgrounds and sometimes this can lead to misunderstandings between the couple. Therefore, make sure to learn and educate each other about your cultural heritages so that you may respect each other’s preferences and understand each other’s mannerisms that you might otherwise find unusual. In particular, you might pay attention to what she expects from a husband and what role she feels you should play. Likewise, you should do the same. Make clear from the very start your expectations from her. What you think is acceptable and not. This way, you avoid typical problems that frequently occur in marriages by making these things clear right from the very start. You could even do this by writing contracts and sharing them before the marriage even takes place so you have these things in mind.

 

A very useful thing to do as a couple, especially given that she is a revert to Islam, could be to engage in Islamic studies together, whether this be you teaching her or starting a new course together. Perhaps, you could even study the fiqh of marriage together in order that you are both clear on the rights of each other from an Islamic perspective that’s not bound by your cultural expectations, but by the expectations of Allah (swt). This way, you will have in mind right from the start the best ways to behave with your spouse that are pleasing to Allah (swt). This is something that’s often missing in marriages today which leads to future problems due to this lack of knowledge about each other’s rights. You can grow in knowledge together and strengthen your faith which will also nurture your love for each other, too, as you support each other in your studies.

 

You will come to develop this underlying respect for each other, and most importantly, you will be seeking Allah’s (swt) reward. Engaging in this, perhaps, more subtle type of worship will lead you to have Allah (swt) consistently in mind. By having Him (swt) in mind, you will also act in ways to please Him (swt) and, therefore, ensure you treat each other well in line with Islamic values. This will provide a strong basis for your relationship. You are in a good position to ensure that you don’t fall into the same problems many marriages face due to this lack of understanding.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you happiness and contentment in your marriage. May He (swt) make her the coolness of your eyes and grant you many successful years together.

 

Salam,

Salam Aleikom, I'm a 21 year old girl and a practicing Muslimah studying in a university. I have a cousin who is studying with me at the same university. We have been together at the same school since childhood. He is so religious and has all the qualities a Muslim woman can dream to find in her future husband. Last year, he was so close to me as friend; he shared all of his problems with me, though I always knew that a young girl and boy can never be friends. One day, I asked him if he loved me, and he said that he does, but was afraid to convey it to me as I might deny him. I've actually begun to have feelings for him, too. After that, we talked few days on the phone and Satan joined us, but hamduliAllah we realized our mistakes; I have been still repenting for the sin I did, talking unnecessary things before marriage in the name of love. He also said that he is scared of Allah's punishment. He told me that he is going to marry whom his parents will chose for him and said that girls are waiting in queue for him. Therefore, I cut all connection with him even on social media. I'm facing a critical situation in my life. Even if I am away from him, I cannot forget him. No one knows about our relationship. I'm afraid to tell to my family, because problems will arise between his and my family. The main problem is that I still can't forget him and I love him for the sake of Allah. I pray thahajjud and Istikhara prayer every day to seek Allah's help. Nowadays, I rarely see him, but when he sees me, he smiles at me. I'm confused: does he still love me or not? This is the hardest period of my life so far. I wish I have never grown up. Is it wrong for me to make du'a that Allah joins us again in a halal way? Marrying another person seems a nightmare to me. Please, help me to overcome this. Jazakumullahu khairan.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

It seems that you have learnt the hard way why Allah (swt) tells us to stay away from engaging in close relationships with members of the opposite sex. Let me reassure you that have done the right thing in cutting connection with him, even on social media, because since you clearly still have feelings for him, it will only open the doors for Shaytan once more if you should maintain contact with him. This might feel very difficult right now when the feelings are still so strong, and it will hurt to cut ties with him, but keep in mind that what is more important is for you to please Allah (swt). If you keep this in mind, it will ultimately make it easier, so ensure that you keep Allah (swt) in mind with everything you do by increasing your acts of worship.

 

As your focus turns to pleasing Allah (swt), you will come to feel more content with making the right decision to keep your distance form this man. If you care for this man, you will also do all you can to ensure things don’t get out of hand again to protect him from sin also. Engaging in any kind of contact with him will tempt him to go back down the road of haram that you were on previously.

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You can learn from this mistake by making sure that you keep all your actions halal by refraining from free mixing or being alone with another man as we are told to by Allah (swt) to ensure that you never fall into this situation again. Also, don’t forget to ask Allah (swt) to protect you from Shaytan so that you don’t become tempted to contact this man again.

 

You say that the man has other women who want to marry him, so love him and those other women what you love for yourself and be happy that one of these women will have the chance to marry a good man.

 

As for yourself, there is something that you can do to move on from this relationship besides seeking repentance for engaging in a haram relationship and doing all you can to avoid the same again. You can seek a halal relationship that will enable you to have your needs met in the correct way; the way that is prescribed to us from the Islamic perspective and that is by seeking a spouse. This way, you will be able to have a close relationship with another man in a halal way, with someone who is able to meet your emotional and physical needs without the need to feel guilty that what you are doing is wrong. In this relationship, Shaytan will not able to interfere because communication and relations between the two of you will be completely halal. This is what will be pleasing to Allah (swt) and will protect you from the sins that are committed by not being married.

 

You can see there is great wisdom in why Allah (swt) encourages us to get married. Until you have the opportunity to marry, make sure you stay close to Allah (swt) by going beyond just the obligatory and engage in as many Sunnah acts as you can. Pray all the voluntary prayers, fast on Mondays and Thursdays when you can, and engage in meaningful activities to keep you busy such as studying the Islam in more depth, ideally with a group of sisters, so you can be in the company of other like-minded people who are also seeking to please Allah (swt). Sorrund yourself with people who will be a positive influence in your life, in sha’ Allah.

 

May Allah (swt) help you to overcome your current emotions and make it easy for you to seek the halal way to have your emotional needs met.

 

Salam,

I met a guy in the university whom we had a lot in common. Later he confessed his feelings and I confessed mine to him, and we started dating. By time, he started getting closer to me physically which I first tried to stop, but then eventually accepted it. We committed sins that cross the limits of Islam. A month later, I told him that this is all haraam and we ended the relationship. A few months later, he started getting closer to me again. I hesitated and pushed him away, but he still insisted, so finally I accepted it again. The last time we met, I told him to stop or else I'll punch him which he took as a joke, but things got serious and now we are no longer friends. Since then, I've just been sincerely and continuously repenting and begging Allah to forgive me. I can't believe I committed those sins. I can't forgive myself, and every time I think of the past, I feel terrible. My parents and friends don't know about this and if they ever found out, they would be devastated. I accept the fact that I was a terrible person back in the past for doing this, and it hurts to realize that I can't change the past. But I want to become a good Muslim and I need to find peace in my heart. I just don't know how to forgive myself. I feel like I'm being judged by this guy and he might expose me.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

 

The fact that you feel guilty about what you have done shows that you feel very repentant. Continue to repent for your acts and be confident that Allah (swt) will forgive you. Allah (swt) is the Most Forgiving and Most Merciful, so have faith that He (swt) will forgive you for your sins because He (swt) is the only one who can, if you seek repentance and never do the same thing again.

 

You have sought repentance and now the next step is to ensure that you never fall into this sin again. It will take you time to forgive yourself for it, but if you truly believe that Allah (swt) can forgive you, then you will be able to forgive yourself. In addition, don’t forget to ask Allah (swt) to protect you from Shaytan that you won’t feel tempted to even think about getting into a situation that could potentially lead you to a path of sin.

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It is now important that you do all you can to ensure that this does not happen again in the future. This is quite easy if you follow the advice of Allah (swt) and refrain from free mixing or ever being alone with another man. You have learned the hard way that Shaytan is, indeed, the third person when a man and a woman are alone together, and this can easily lead things to take a direction in the haram. Take this to be a lesson in why Allah (swt) teaches us to behave in this way in order to protect us from Shaytan’s whispers and keep out of sinful acts. Simply being alone with someone just chatting “as friends”can soon lead to the development of feelings which then goes on to develop into something more serious. You become overwhelmed with feelings that stop you from thinking rationally about the consequences of what you are doing.

 

At this point, you are obviously worried now that the man you had relations with might expose you. Remember as well though that if he exposes you, he is also exposing his own sins, and exposing your own sins or anyone else’s is not OK from an Islamic perspective either, so the judgement will be on him if he should do that.

 

From this point, if you continue conducting yourself in the best way according to Islam by avoiding free mixing and being alone with another man, then people will see you for the good character you are conducting in the present rather than judging you for your past actions. Try not to get caught up in worrying about what could happen, when the fact is it may never happen and yet you will live in constant fear that it might happen. The important thing is that you have sought Allah’s (swt) forgiveness. His judgement of you is more important than what others may think of you.

 

May Allah (swt) protect you from Shaytan’s whispers, forgive your sins, and make it easy for you to abstain from sins in the future.

 

Salam,