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General Counseling Session

Hannah Morris
16 February, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

Thank you for submitting your questions. We sincerely hope you found our counselor’s answers beneficial.

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Tuesday, Feb. 21, 2017 | 12:30 - 14:30 GMT

Session is over.
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Assalamu Alaikum! I am getting married in August in sha’ Allah. The problem is that my ex- finance is back and he really wants me back into his life. He is also pleading for my return. I have explained to him that I am getting married. At times, I feel something for him while at times I feel nothing. Please, I have doubts in my mind now and I'm so confused. I love my husband-to-be, but I also feel sometimes something for my ex. Is it love? I need your sincere counsel! I am in dilemma.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam,

Ma sha’ Allah, this is great news that you are going to get married in August, in sha’ Allah. I can see that your ex is now back and this causes confusion for you. It makes you feel somewhat distressed.

Firstly, the fact that you never married this man in the first place means that feelings should not have developed to the point that it should cause you such confusion. Any contact that was made in such a way, forgiveness should be sought from Allah (swt). Part of this involves avoiding getting in a situation where feelings could develop outside marriage again. This is because Shaytaan can plant these feelings between two people causing them to be tempted to sin by feeling like they are in love. The feelings are present there and this is what causes you difficulty. Given that he is not a mahram, you should still not be in contact with him alone, even by phone or email. Restricting any contact like this will also make it easier for you because you cannot talk to him to hear the way he feels. Likewise, you cannot develop any further feeling for him.

Alhamdulilah, you are now in a situation where you can pursue a halal marriage, and in sha’ Allah you will find happiness in this marriage. To avoid any doubts that you might be having right now, be sure to seek refuge from Shaytaan that he may not cast doubt in your mind. When you are doing something pleasing to Allah (swt), such as getting married in the most acceptable way, Shaytaan will do all he can to make sure this doesn’t happen and tempt you to do something haram, or walk away from the halal by casting doubt in your mind. Therefore, at this time, when you are behaving in a way that please Allah (swt), protect yourself from Shaytaan and keep Allah (swt) in mind all the time. Remember that you are getting married for the sake of Allah (swt) and you are doing it in the permissible way that is pleasing to Allah (swt). This is what is most important and will be your protection.

Therefore, not only is it recommended that you do not have any contact with this other man, but it is also haram anyway. If you adhere to the Islamic guidelines and obligations, any doubt will be cast out of your mind in the knowledge that you are doing what is halal and most pleasing to Allah (swt). If you keep Allah (swt) in mind all the time, in all you do, then this will be even easier for you.

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May Allah (swt) keep you on the straight path and bring you happiness and success in your marriage. May He (swt) make you the coolness of each other’s eyes in this life and the next.

Salam,

Hello, my name is Sarah. I am 18 years old, and even though I am young I have been in a committed relationship with my fiancé, and we haven't exactly done things the right way. We have been living as if we are married for a year. We have been talking about marriage since before we moved into our own home, but my fiancé always says he wants to be financially stable before marrying me. But I found out I am pregnant almost a month ago and now I don't want to bring our children into this world without us being married. My fiancé wants to wait for his father to take us instead of us going alone to the mass. He wants my mother and his father to assist us. My question is, are there a surah or anything I can tell him to guide him in the right direction? Or is it better for me to just wait to him since it is in his plan to marry me soon, before our babies are born. I believe after Ramadan is when he plans to really start to ask his father to hurry more. I know if Allah wants us to hurry, He will make a way. I feel though maybe my fiancé is scared; he doesn't want to divorce the way his parents did. I keep praying; if Allah wills it shall be. I know this. But I'm still looking for something to put my mind at ease about waiting. Thank you again for the help. May Allah bless you and the on Islam page.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

May Allah (swt) reward you reaching out to try and find a way to correct your situation for His sake and for your family.

The first thing you should really do in this case is to seek forgiveness for being engaged in a haram relationship. Living together and having relations together outside of marriage is indeed a big sin in Islam. I think you realize this, and it is very important that you sincerely repent for this. This might be quite difficult to hear given that you have been living this life for such a long time and now you are expecting a child together.

Regarding delaying marriage until he gets financially stable, whilst it is ideal, it is not a must for a marriage to occur or even to be successful. The fact that you have been living as if you were married and now have a child on the way should make this even less important. You have a child on the way now. Whether you are married or not, this will inevitably have an impact on finances and, therefore, should not be what prevents you from moving forward in marriage. Your parents should understand this. Naturally, as this child’s grandparents, they will likely be willing to do all they can to support you.

Marriage is very important in Islam for so many reasons. It can be a source of great happiness, a source of support, the means to increase the population, and a way to have your emotional and physical needs met in a way that is pleasing to Allah (swt). Marriage will protect you and prevent you from falling into sin. There is much evidence in the Quran and Sunnah to support this.

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“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an, 30:21)

“And Allah has made for you from yourselves mates and has made for you from your mates sons and grandchildren and has provided for you from the good things. Then in falsehood do they believe and in the favor of Allah they disbelieve?” (Qur’an, 16:72)

“Narrated `Abdullah: We were with the Prophet (SAW) while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 5066)

“Narrated Anas:
It was narrated from Anas that there was a group of the Companions of the Prophet, one of whom said: “I will not marry women.” Another said: “I will not eat meat.” Another said: “I will not sleep on a bed.” Another said: “I will fast and not break my fast.” News of that reached the Messenger of Allah and he praised Allah then said: “What is the matter with people who say such and such? But I pray and I sleep, I fast and I break my fast, and I marry women. Whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not of me.”” (Sunan an-Nasa’i 3217)

To name but a few. In sha’ Allah, if your fiancé realizes these things and the importance of marriage and fears Allah (swt), as well as the haram involved in continuing as you are, then he will do all he can to ensure that your relationship is made halal as soon as possible.

A marriage ceremony does not have to be anything big, and if you have been living as if you were married already, then nothing will really change. In sha’ Allah, if and when his father is ready to help out in the future, then he still can even if you are married.

Most importantly, I would urge you both to seek repentance. May Allah (swt) forgive and bring you happiness and contentment in your marriage and grant you a righteous child.

Salam,

Salam. I have just completed my A levels and will try for the universities for next year In Sha’ Allah. The problem is that I feel lonely. I know my Almighty is with me, but somehow I feel something is incomplete within me. I try my best to pray five times a day, but sometimes it gets missed. This makes me feel suffocated and guity. I don't talk much. I keep on promising Almighty that I will try to pray five times and not commit any kind of sins, but unfortunately the mistakes keep on happening unintentionally, and due to this I feel that I am not a perfect Muslim and Almighty shall never forgive. I feel more depressed when I mull over the Day of Judgment wondering I shall not be able to show my face towards my Almighty and our beloved prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h) for the same sins I have committed all these years. I want to change for the sake of Allah as I love my Almighty a lot. Will you please suggest me how can I change myself and keep away from the sins that Allah has forbidden us? Secondly, I am so grumpy all the time, although I don't want to hurt anyone. Since I am depressed, I keep myself away from everyone. I have a younger brother and he is 14 years old. My parents pamper him a lot. Neither he respects his elders nor does he pray five times a day. I just can't watch him choosing the wrong path, but the problem is that he doesn't care of me or talks to me much. He has changed a lot. I'm concerned about him. I want him to follow Islam, but I'm restricted to scold or judge him if he is wrong. What can be the solution for this? Due to this, distance has been created between me and my parents. No matter how hard I work, they never appreciate me much. I have an elder sister whom I love a lot. I feel my parents love and take care of her more than me, and this bothers me. I work hard a lot in my studies, but my parents never appreciated me. I am suffocating inside. Please help.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam sister,

Even though you seem to present this as two separate issues – trying to pray more and refraining from sins as well as feeling depressed that your family doesn’t care for you as much as they do for your siblings -, these issues actually seem to be very much related to each other and could potentially be the cause for a cycle of negativity.

Your feelings of sadness about your family situation will naturally cause you to neglect your Islamic obligations which, in turn, only makes you feel even more sad because you know you should be praying 5 times a day. This then puts you in a negative mood which will make you interpret your home situation in a negative way and so the cycle continues.

Overall, this seems to make you feel negative towards yourself; that not only are you failing in front of Allah (swt), but are less favorable to your family, too. Based on this, it would seem that the solution for you to feel happier at home and more confident in your deen (and, therefore, confident that Allah will forgive you because He can, and He likes to forgive, if only people ask) is to boost your self-esteem and self-confidence, to feel good about yourself.

If you feel better about yourself, you will be less likely to interpret your families’ actions as being more favorable towards your siblings. This boost in self-esteem and happiness will make you more positive and motivated towards your prayers, too.

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In regards to your parents’ attitudes towards your siblings, ask yourself what evidence you have to suggest that they do favor them over you. Also, take a step back and see the moments when they do treat you just the same as them. Sometimes, when you get stuck in the feeling that they are favoring others, this is all you will see and you might even be over exaggerating their heightened love towards them over you. If you take a step back and look at things more rationally, you will likely find that this is not the case at all and is just due to distorted judgements on your part because you feel bad about yourself, partly because you are not fulfilling your Islamic obligations amongst other reasons. Think about if they truly are favoring your sibling over you. What evidence do you have? And if they are, is there a reason? Why might they be showing them more love right now? Are they facing a tough time? (For example, in your brother’s case.)

Something else you can do is to do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Set goals and achieve them. See if there is something you are particularly good at. It might be that you do some volunteer work for charity, for example. This will make you feel good about yourself that you are helping people whilst keeping you busy in meaningful activity. This is a meaningful activity that Allah (swt) will certainly look favorably on. Furthermore, doing charity work for the sake of Allah (swt) will help you to keep Allah (swt) in mind more often which will assist you in making sure to pray all your prayers on time as you are thinking of Him more often.

May Allah (swt) forgive you and guide you on the straight path. May He (swt) bring you happiness and ease in your family affairs.

Salam,

Salam. I am a 26 years old Muslim boy. I love someone for 9 -10 years now. She is 25. My problem is that the girl whom I love does not love me, although she said she liked me and was willing to marry me. I’ve never met her in person. The problem is that her mother died and now she cannot say to her father that she wants to marry me as according to her that would hurt her father badly. She said to me to forget her. These days my parents are forcing me to start finding someone to marry. My only problem is that I cannot forget her. I tried all the possible methods but the more I try to forget her, the more I miss her. Please advise me what I should do. Should I wait for her as that's the only thing I could do to prove my love for her. Allah knows the best. Please guide.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam brother,

It can certainly be distressing when you love someone and they seem to feel the same way back, yet there are so many obstacles in the way that prevent things from moving forward.

Obviously, to move forward in pursuing a marriage to her, you would have to do so in a way that is acceptable Islamically. This would involve meeting with her and her mahram, which assumingly is her father. If your parents urge you to marry at this point, then it might be that you could approach her father yourself asking for her hand in marriage and find out whether he would be against this. Or it maybe that you seek your family’s support in approaching her father and asking for his daughter’s hand in marriage. This way, he will be able to get to know your family. Maybe he will feel more comfortable at the thought of his daughter getting married if he knows that she is going to marry into a respectable family.

The point here is to avoid any contact with this sister in a haram way. That is, you should not be in contact with her, even via phone or email when the two of you are alone. She should always have a mahram present during any type of interaction between the two of you. This will not allow the doors for Shaytan to open and allow the development of feelings for one another to the point that you cannot forget and refuse to move on. If it is that this is the type of contact that you two have had previously, then it is important to be conscious of how Shaytan may have impacted on your feelings towards her developed outside of marriage. In such case, the best solution is to seek Allah’s (swt) forgiveness and ensure any future relations with her are kept strictly halal.

Your other option is to seek marriage elsewhere. Right now, you feel like you can’t move on, but once you look for marriage elsewhere, you will likely find that there are many other women out there that you could be equally compatible with, if not more. It is just that now you are so fixated on the woman you wished to marry that you do feel it is possible to love anyone else the same. This is mentally preventing from desiring to look elsewhere for marriage.

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Islamically, it is encouraged to marry younger to have one’s physical and emotional needs met so that they will not be tempted to get into sinful relationships or seek to have these needs met in haram ways.

Waiting to marry can also lead to frustration which can impact on other areas of life such as work and study. Being in a loving, caring marriage can provide sense of contentment and completeness that can’t be obtained in other ways.

So, you have several options available right now. It for you to weigh up the pros and cons of either waiting for her or seeking marriage elsewhere. In this situation, it is highly recommended that you make istikhara and ask Allah (swt) to guide you in the matter.

Whatever choice you make, may Allah (swt) grant you a righteous spouse that will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Salam,

Salam. I'm 21 years old girl from Malaysia. I'm so thankful for your work! May Allah reward you all. I am in Malaysia due to my studies. My elder brother is also here but in another city. I have 2 problems. First, I'm struggling with backbiting. I know it's a big sin. What could I do to avoid backbiting others? Usually, I don’t backbite but I listen to others backbiting. My other problem is with lowering my gaze while I'm at home. I can't stop watching filthy things. I try to avoid it, but I go back again and again. This was something that I never did at home as I wasn't alone there, although I thought of doing it. Please help.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam sister,

Ameen to your du’aa’. Yes, these are two things that we need to avoid to please Allah (swt) and prevent us falling into even more sinful activities. The fact that you are asking for assistance in overcoming these matters is a good sign and shows that you have the intention to change these behaviors to better yourself, and this is very commendable. It also shows that you are more likely to do what you can to help yourself to overcome these difficulties. May Allah (swt) make it easy.

Firstly, regarding backbiting. There are a number of things you can do help you to avoid backbiting, or even listening to backbiting. Keep in mind that Allah (swt) always watches you and fear of Allah’s (swt) punishment for engaging in behaviors that are not accepted in Islam. This fear should motivate you to walk away where you cannot listen anymore.

If it is that you are in a group that are having such a conversation, you could simply make an excuse to leave the conversation. At the very least you can remain silent and say nothing and not join in the conversation or you could repel the evil talk about the person with comments about the person’s good qualities. If you feel comfortable enough with these people, you might even warn them that what they are doing is not acceptable and that you won’t even be in a situation where others are backbiting in your presence.

Regarding lowering your gaze whilst at home, there are few simple solutions to avoid such behavior. Firstly, again, keep in mind that Allah (swt) watches every move of yours and will not be looking favorably on this kind of behavior. Keep Allah (swt) in remembrance with everything you do, even eating and drinking. Say bismillah before everything you do and ask yourself if you are doing it for the sake of Allah (swt). This will assist you in keeping Him in mind more frequently.

Likewise, increasing your acts of worship will do the same. Furthermore, you can engage yourself in more meaningful activities that will keep you distracted from even having any time or desire to watch filthy things. Go out and do something with friends, or go for a walk even if it’s on your own, or stay at home and study, or read the Qur’an and increase your knowledge in Islam. These all will keep you so busy that you either won’t think to watch filthy things or you simply won’t have the time.

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In both situations, don’t forget to sincerely ask for Allah’s (swt) forgiveness. It is clear that you feel bad about what you are doing. The next best thing to do after trying to fix your ways is to seek Allah’s (swt) forgiveness and do all you can to avoid these sins. Do not feel helpless about it because Allah (swt) loves to forgive.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you to break free from these negative behaviors and replace them with behaviors that He (swt) will be pleased with.

Salam,

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