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Before Your First Child Arrives (Counseling Session)

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Thursday, Apr. 20, 2017 | 10:00 - 12:00 GMT

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Salam Aleikom. I am expecting my second child. My daughter is waiting for her little brother, inshallah, but I am a bit scared as she is usually quite jealous of everyone. She hardly leaves me, and I am scared how I will deal with 2 children. Obviously, my son will need me more, but I am afraid my daughter will not tolerate this. How to make balance between two children? Thank you!



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh dear sister,

Ma sha’ Allah, you are expecting your second child and I’m sure you are very excited about the impending arrival. But at the same time, you are anxious about how your daughter will react, especially given that she seems to be very attached to you and can get quite jealous.

Sibling rivalry and jealousy is very common, especially for the first child when they have been used to receiving all the attention from the family. When a new child arrives, this is stripped away from them and can lead to feelings of jealousy. There are, however, some things that can be done to make this process a little easier.

You can begin by involving her in the process; make her feel like a part of it. Get her involved in things such as setting up his bedroom or picking out new clothes for him from the shop. This way, she will be involved right from the time before he is born. You can continue this once he is born by letting her help out at times such as bath time. This will encourage her to have a nurturing role over him and have more positive feelings regarding the new arrival. You might also encourage her to make a card for him, too.

Additionally, make sure to continue to give her time once he is born. Schedule a time each day that someone else will take care of the baby and the two of you can have quality time alone together so that she doesn’t feel like she has lost her time entirely once he is born. Protect this time and ensure that it is given a priority, too. This way, she will know that she is still just as special to you and deserving of your one-to-one time. This will also help her to understand that just because she now has a new baby brother, you still love her just as much and she will be less likely to develop feelings of animosity towards him as a result.

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May Allah (swt) grant you a righteous child and reward your role as a loving mother. May He (swt) make your children the coolness of your eyes.

Salam,


Salam Aleikom. As a psychologist, do you have any recommendation how to get prepared psychologically for giving birth? I heard that not being prepared psychologically - being stressed out, scared,..etc. - might cause problems during birth. It will make it longer, or more painful than it could be. I came across meditation techniques, hypnosis, and I saw youtube videos in which the mother was in a state of relaxation to the extent that she did not even make any voice during labor. She looked like as if giving birth was not painful at all! Pregnant myself, I wish to learn these techniques and give birth in such a way, but not sure how Islamic these techniques are. Also, which is best: giving birth at home, in the hospital the standard way, or alternative childbirthing methods - such as water birth? JazakAllah.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

These are all very useful things to think about during (or even before) pregnancy. You are correct that being psychologically prepared for childbirth can make the process a lot easier for a number of reasons.

Uncertainty can be a big cause of distress, and this distress can lead the body to respond in a way that could potentially make childbirth more painful due to tensed muscles, for example. Being more aware of the whole process and your available options can help to reduce this distress and give you some sense of a feeling of control in a situation where your body will take over. This feeling of control can be very empowering, giving you a heightened sense of psychological comfort that you can do it. Doing it in the way you would like will make you feel more comfortable and confident during delivery.

You are doing the right thing to begin with by researching all the different things available and all the different techniques you could choose. You begin by trying them out now during pregnancy to see how they make you feel so that you know which work best for you. Select a couple that you like as when you are actually in labor, things might change. For some people, they find they make a plan for their delivery, but once they actually enter the stage of childbirth, they feel very differently.

There are many different meditation and relaxation techniques that can be used during childbirth and you could choose to learn them yourself so that you can use them during delivery, or you could buy guided meditations to take you through these exercises. It may be that you find the latter more useful as during labor you may find it more difficult to concentrate and, therefore, having someone verbally talk you through the process may be more helpful. Such exercises that focus on breathing, in particular, can be good during labor as you will also find that midwives will be constantly reminding you to control your breathing during the process. Obviously, you can also rely on dhikr as a relation exercise as we know hearts will find rest in the remembrance of Him. Remembering Allah (swt) will naturally help you to control your thoughts and your breathing as you find comfort with Him. Being prepared with all these options before delivery will bring you comfort that when the time comes you are prepared with techniques to make the process a bit easier.

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Regarding where to give birth – there are many options available these days so it will be for you to firstly find out what options are even available to you. For example, not all hospitals have a birthing pool available. You then need to weigh up the pros and cons of each option. As a first time mother, most doctors recommend giving birth in the hospital as there is everything to hand should it be needed, for both you and the baby, and you will have the direct support of the medics. However, the hospital environment alone can be enough to evoke anxiety in people leading them to prefer to have a home birth where they can feel relaxed in the comfort of their own home. At the same time, however, you will have less support from medical staff, which as a first-time mother, you may be potentially in need of more than if it was a subsequent birth. Some people, however, might feel more comfortable giving birth in the hospital rather than at home feeling comforted that all support is close by, whereas the home birth might evoke anxiety in the worry that if they should need extra help, they will have to go through the stress of going to the hospital anyway. It is possible also to bring a few comforts from home to the hospital to make it feel a bit more homely and remind you of home to bring the same comfort you might feel at home, but in the knowledge that any help is on standby should you need it. Likewise, it is often recommended to stay at home for as long as possible anyway, going into the hospital only once delivery is imminent. This way, you can still be comfortable at home, doing your relaxation techniques during the earlier stages of labor.

May Allah (swt) guide you to make the best decision and bring you ease during childbirth. May He (swt) grant yo a righteous child that will be the coolness of your eyes.

Salam,


Salam Aleikom. I am 4 months pregnant, but my husband does not seem to be interested. I mean I have been reading books and articles on pregnancy, birth, and children, for months, but my husband just does everything like before. We don't talk much about children stuff; he does not read anything or get prepared to be a father. Actually, when I look at the books on the shelves and everything on children seems to be only for women. Women cannot stop talking about children while men hardly talk about children, I believe. As if they do not even care. When I meet my friends, we all talk about children stuff. But my husband never talks about it. It is all natural for him, but I want him to get prepared, I want him to be there and help me raising our children. What can I do with him?



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

It can feel very difficult when we don’t feel we have the support of our husbands, especially in matters that both husband and wife are involved in together such as having children. However, we must understand that men and women, whilst similar in some ways, are very different in others. Remember that in an ideal world, the primary role of the wife in the family is to raise the children whilst the husband goes to work and provides the financial support for the family. These roles reflect the physical and mental make-up of each gender. Therefore, the woman naturally feels more inclined to talk about issues relating to childbirth and raising children, and this is why Allah (swt) has placed her in the position to be the one to give birth and not the man. So, if we look at things from a biological perspective only, we can see how our differences might make men, including your husband, behave in a way that seems like perhaps they are not so interested in the process of giving birth and raising children.

There are some other things to think of here, too. It may be that he doesn’t want to talk about it because the thought of the pain you might go through and the challenges you might face raising the children makes him scared. It might also be that he is so busy in his role at work that his thoughts are somewhat more distracted by how he can fulfill his role in providing financially for the family, and this might also be causing him anxiety.  It, therefore, may be coming across like he doesn’t care, but actually, he does but in a totally different way.

However, it must be understood that the way he shows that he does care does not feel like he does to you and you feel like you need his support at this crucial time of pregnancy. If you did not tell him that this is the way you feel, then it may be that he is simply not aware of the way you feel. He might believe that he is giving you all the support he can already. In this case, the first step would be to actually talk to him and let him know exactly how you actually want to be supported.

Also, remember that some of the best supports you can get are from your friends who may have children already or be planning to have them. They can be more empathic to how you feel as a woman and understand more about what you are going through. In this regard, they could provide even more useful support in some ways than your husband could anyway. It may be that they have useful tips that they have learned along the way that they could inform you of to make your journey to motherhood a lot easier.

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Another thing you might consider is to invite friends over with their own husbands and children so that your husband can have some kind of feel for what’s to come as well as giving him the opportunity to talk with other dads on the man’s side of things regarding having children. This could open the doors for him to discuss his own concerns over matters that are more specific to what he might be facing as a man in the process. This may then make him more willing to talk with you on the issue also.

May Allah (swt) bring love and happiness to you and your husband and grant you a righteous child that will be the coolness and comfort of your eyes.

Salam,


My daughter tells me she hates herself, and she would rather be dead or wished she had not been born. I asked her if someone or something has been making her feel this way. She said no, it was in herself and cannot explain why she feels like this way. What should I do?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

It can be very distressing for a mother to hear her daughter talk in such a way. Additionally, if she doesn’t feel there is any reason behind such thoughts or she is not willing to tell you, then this will leave you feeling helpless about how to help.

Your daughter is at an age that can be very challenging as she grows and matures and tries to find her place in the world. This can be a very confusing time and can often lead to negative thoughts such as those she has been having. There are other times so, when children of this age say such things as a means to get attention as they now enter an age where they become more independent and are treated less like a child and, therefore, come to miss the same kind of love and affection that they had as a younger child. Now, suddenly they are at an age where they have to make decisions for themselves without someone doing everything for them, and this can be very daunting. These are not necessarily reasons why your daughter says the things she does, but are potential reasons, and are those that other girls at her age have been known to go through that might explain her own thoughts. On top of this, at the age of 12, her hormones play havoc as she enters into womanhood. This could also be affecting her thoughts in this way, too.

Either way, there are several things you can do to help her though this. Firstly, turn to Allah (swt) and ask Him to help her through her difficult moments like this. As your daughter comes of age now, you might also be gently encouraging her to join you in prayer together or any activity that requires you to openly remember Allah (swt). This will give her the opportunity to also build her relationship with Allah (swt) which will not only prepare her to become a strong Muslimah, close to her Creator but will give her the space to find comfort in remembering Him. This will help to ease her current sorrows and potentially view her situation from a more positive angle in the light being aware of Allah’s (swt) protection and mercy. It will also help her to realize her true purpose in life and that there is no reason to hate herself if she continually remembers her ultimate purpose.

Aside from this, simply being there for her, supporting her, talking to her and being engaged in her life will let her know that she always has your support whatever it is she may be facing. Try not to push her to talk about what bothers her as this may push her away from you if she is not yet comfortable to talk about whatever is bothering her. In time, as the bond is built between you and she feels comfortable to open up and talk, then she will tell you. If there is genuinely nothing that she can pinpoint that makes her feel this way, simply being aware that you, as her mother, are there to support her will bring her a feeling of comfort and ease. It will make it easier for her to either open up to you if something does come to bother her or if there is nothing in particular, just to have someone to be with that she knows will love her and take care of her, regardless of such thoughts.

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You could strengthen this bond and make it even easier to form naturally by doing things together you both love. I,f you do not share common interests, then make an effort to try something she loves and do it together whether it be something more physical like some kind of exercise, or something more at home like baking together or reciting the Qur’an together. This will be good for your relationship as well as good for her own psychological health too which will be a big boost in helping her to overcome her difficult emotions. This will also help her to feel better about herself as she engages in useful activity and feels some sense of achievement which can do wonders to help people learn to love themselves again.

May Allah (swt) bring your daughter ease during these trying times, and may He (swt) make it easy for you to comfort and support her successfully. May He (swt) guide you both on the Straight Path.

Salam,


Salam Aleikom. My problem is that I am married for a couple of years, but I do not feel we are stable yet to start a family; my husband tries to establish his own company; he works in a company now he hates by heart but has to stay due to the money. We live in a place we do not want to stay in, we want to move. Inshllah. i am still studying at least for a year. I am 26. But the family pressurizes us, and my husband started to pressurize me as well. He does not think that we should wait for more. But on the other hand he tries to save every single money and when I want to go out, do something together or travel - within the limits of our budget - he says we cannot afford it. So we cannot afford traveling and have some fun together, but we can afford a child?! I do not feel ready to have children. I feel I need stability - financially, emotionally, especially that I am scared of pregnancy and childbirth. I want to finish my studies because after that it will be hard. I am hesitant what to do.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

This is, indeed, a dilemma that many women face when they reach the age where it might be expected that they should begin having children. Certainly, we’re are encouraged in Islam to grow the Ummah by having children. They are a huge blessing and bring much happiness into the family’s life, but at the same time they are a huge responsibility and take up a lot of time and money which can be both physically and emotionally draining at times. It is the latter of these facts that causes many to be hesitant to start a family, especially if they are not stable financially or have other commitments, such as study, that may interfere with the ability to feel like you could manage or even do a good job of raising a child.

To make things easier, the best thing to do first is to turn to Allah (swt) and ask Him to guide you on the matter. Ask Him (swt) to guide you to make the choice that will be best for you and most pleasing to Him. After this, you might take the time to really think about your options with a rational mind and weigh up the pros and cons of having a child now or waiting until you have finished your studies and are more financially stable.

It may be that you chose to wait a little longer and, therefore, will feel more comfortable to have a child knowing that your studies are complete and you have sufficient funds to raise a child. Being pregnant and giving birth whilst feeling this level of contentment will make the process a lot more stress-free which will make for an easier experience both physically and mentally. You will also feel more confident that you will be bringing your child into a better environment and feel better able to raise them in the way you wish to raise them. This might also, perhaps, free up some funds in the mean time so that you and your husband can enjoy some more time together, getting to know each other and having fun together, before having children, which will obviously make spending time together like this more difficult.

On the other hand, however, you also need to consider that Allah (swt) is the provider and will provide for any children you may have and, therefore, holding off having children because you don’t feel financially secure almost denies this role of Allah (swt). Physically, it is also a lot easy to bear the pains of pregnancy and childbirth whilst you are younger. The older you get, the more difficult it might become. The same goes for taking care of a young child; whilst you are younger and more physically fit and able, it will be a lot easier to take care of busy children sooner rather than later. You might be more able to give them more of your energy which kids love. Also, understand that it is entirely possible to get pregnant and give birth whilst studying, and if you struggle, then there are always options to delay finishing your studies, or cut the workload down and complete it over a longer time period. All institutions are well used to accommodating the same for pregnant women and mothers. Additionally, the fact that you have a family that you feel is pressuring you to have a family, means that you will have a family who

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Also, understand that it is entirely possible to get pregnant and give birth whilst studying. If you struggle, then there are always options to delay finishing your studies or cut the workload down and complete it over a longer time period. All institutions are well used to accommodating the same for pregnant women and mothers. Additionally, the fact that you have a family that you feel is pressuring you to have a family, means that you will have a family who

Additionally, the fact that you have a family you feel is pressuring you to have a family means that you will have a family who is clearly willing to be there to support you through pregnancy and raising children – which is a huge blessing for any new mother.

That said, however, you should not feel pressured to do something against your will but just take into account that they will be on hand to help you with all the things that you are fearing about having children. That will be a big help to you, especially when it comes to completing your studies and spending time alone together with your husband to do those fun things you want to do.

May Allah (swt) guide you to make the decision that is best for you and most pleasing to Him. May He (swt) grant you with children that will be the coolness of your eyes when the time is right, and may He (swt) bring happiness in your marital and family relations.

Salam,


As-Salaam Alaikum. Not a question, but a request. I had a full term stillbirth about 6 months ago. Doctors detected no reasons. I trust Allah to replace which He has taken with that which is best for me. I would like to request for dua for Allah to grant us healthy babies that would be the coolness and comfort of our eyes and hearts, bismillah. Jazakumlah khairan.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

Inna lilahi wa ina ilayhi rajioon. May Allah (swt) turn your difficulties into blessings and grant you healthy children from Jannah who will bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

Losing a child is a huge challenge, especially having carried it to full term and endured the pains of pregnancy. It is a challenge that faced many a time by our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saw), so we can see that there must be some blessing in this experience.

Having faced what you have, you will be in an even better position to appreciate your children in the future, in sha‘ Allah, as well as to understand how it must feel for the many who go through this same experience every day. This will help you to appreciate the blessing of even being able to have and deliver a child even more so than if Allah (swt) had made the experience easy and straightforward for you.

May Allah (swt) reward your patience and bless you with even better than what you lost. May He (swt) place strength and love and in yours and your husband’s hearts to support each other through this difficult time. May He (swt) bring you comfort in the remembrance of Him and bless you with healthy, righteous children at the time that is perfect for you. May these children be the comfort and coolness of your eyes.

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Ameen.