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Aisha Swan on Family and Parenting

Aisha Mohammad
21 October, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Tuesday, Oct. 23, 2018 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Aslamu Alaikum, before asking a question I just want to thank your team for providing this platform in order to help Muslim brothers and sister getting closer to Allah and Islam. I am a worried Muslimah single mother of a 16 months old. I have been married for 3 1/2 years and got separated from my husband when I was 4 months pregnant. My husband never really wanted me, he wanted to marry some other girls. (Details about my husband in other question with title "he used to beat her, now he wants her back").

I have been living with my parents till now but now I have my own house Alhamdulillah near to my parent's. I have no plans to go back to my husband until he changes his ways. My friends have tried to convince me to take divorce and remarry. They say I have a baby boy and boys idealize male figures of their family. But I have no intention of remarriage.

Now my question is I am from Pakistan and I see a lot of fitnah here. People are following biddah in the name of Islam. Everybody is just following what others are. Nowadays I worry so much about my son's tarbiyah. The problem is I live alone with my son. Alhamdulillah Allah has mercy on me and He guided me by putting my focus on akhirah but My parents and family are not much of a practicing one. They follow Islam along with so many fitnahs without even realizing and I have tried telling them but nobody wants to listen.

My problem is how can I raise my son to be righteous all by myself when there is no other male in house. Raising a baby is both husband and wife's responsibility but there s no financial or any other support from my husband so I have been fulfilling all duties alone. My husband does not practice and he is a narcissist who disrespects me and my parents. I have suffered from physical abuse in past and still suffering from emotional and mental abuse by my husband. But I am trying to put a stop on that by limiting his interactions.I do not want my son to be raised like his father. I am looking for some job as my parents cannot provide for me and my child anymore but I have no luck till now as I refuse to make haram friendships and links and use them. I trust Allah, He will show me a way and provide for both of us. But this society is not suitable to raise a righteous or even a person with good morals. I have questions and I do not know who to ask or how? I am striving to be a good practicing Muslimah every day but Shall I be able to raise a pious son all by myself?

Is it possible to work in this society full of fitnahs and stay firm on your Deen without involving in them? (I am referring to friendships and links with another gender which are so important to get work here) Should I move to some other country if yes then where? To get my child an environment with good morals and Islamic values. I shall be grateful to your team if you can give me some guidelines on raising a child alone in an Islamic way and how can I fulfill the emptiness of a male figure in my son's life.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session with your most important issues. We are blessed through Allah’s mercy to be able to provide this service and insha’Allah it will be beneficial. We are humbled and honored to be here for your concerns.

 

As I understand the situation dear sister, you left an abusive marriage. I know it must have been hard to leave but I am so proud of you for your courage, strength and determination. You are a beautiful example for other sisters in your situation. No woman should tolerate abuse. My question at this point is why would you want to go back? Why are you waiting? Do you really feel your husband will change? Sister, I ask you to please do some research and study more about the dynamics of relationships, abusive men and change. It is a big risk. You were blessed by Allah to leave a horrid situation and to give yourself and your child a better life.

 

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I do not know the reasons you say you will not ever marry again, but I ask you to please reconsider your position insha’Allah. You never know what blessings Allah has waiting for you. I realize it can be a scary thing-remarrying given what you have been through as well as all the fitnah you see around you. However, like I said-Allah knows best and we do not know what He has planned for us.

 

Sister, there is fitnah in all countries, sadly. It is up to us to build a solid Islamic foundation at home and raise our children based on the values and morals we teach them. Insha’Allah they will be equipped to deal with fitnah and haram things with a strong foundation. It is true that we need our ummah-community in which to live in and to practice Islam in a righteous way.

 

This is vital for our growth as Muslims and for learning-increasing our knowledge. Some communities are stronger than others and it will be up to you where you chose to raise your son. If you want to move there are many options. You could go to a university and study, you could take a job in another country, you could stay with friends/family while you get settled. While some countries may offer better job opportunities and resources, please keep in mind that no place is perfect. I would kindly suggest researching a few areas you may want to live.

 

Talk to people who live there. There are options to join halal Islamic groups and meet Muslims who either live in the area you want to move or who have the same career/job interest as you. I would kindly suggest if this is an option you are considering, that you make a list of the pro’s and cons first. It could be a wonderful fresh start. Please do make istakharra prayer before making any major decisions.

 

You can raise a pious child alone. It will not be easy, but it can be done-and has been done. However, if you do, your child may be missing out on the blessings of having a wonderful stepfather and you would miss the blessings of the protection, help, companionship and other things that a marriage brings.

 

Regarding the environment, in my experience, it is possible to work in a society full of fitnahs and stay firm on your deen. People do it all the time. It can be a test and a trial, but these are the points wherein we can get along with others, work along side of non-Muslims (or Muslims who are not practicing) and still be true to our Islamic values.

 

Some may disagree based on their experiences as everyone is different. I am the only Muslim in my family. Some of my family drink alcohol once in awhile. I spend time with them, yet I do not drink nor do I want to. I am firm. They respect this. It is a matter of drawing close to Allah, rejecting what is bad and enjoining good. As no country, the community is perfect, we have to strive within ourselves to uphold what is good and permissible. You will be an excellent and wonderful example for your son wherever you chose to live.

 

Sister, I strongly encourage you to start your new life. By getting divorced you are cutting off the past and making room to allow new doors and opportunities to open. I kindly suggest that insha’Allah you embrace this blessing that Allah has given you and move forward with healing and planning for your future.

 

This may mean exploring new ways to grow such as going to a university, moving away, staying there and opening up your on business or whatever it may be that you will enjoy and will prove to be conducive both Islamically and economically. Please do make a list of your possibilities and interests. Explore steps on how to achieve what you desire to do-and make Allah your constant confidant. Allah loves you sister and will guide your path to that which is best for you and your son. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

I like to think that I'm very equipped in the teachings of Islam for only being 15, so I want to obviously rule out me becoming or being suicidal.I'm growing up in a very religious household, where all I see are hypocritical parents. In the Quran, it talks about children obeying their parents, and to always respect their parents, but its very hard for me to hold my tongue on how I feel when I see my parents are doing wrong to me.

Everything that happens in this house is supposed to stay in this house so that they can keep up their appearance, cause I know once I open my mouth, this perfect parent image that they've been trying to uphold with soon crumble. I struggle with verbal and physical abuse in this house. I've noticed on a countless measure that even when I am not at fault they still attack me and leave my siblings alone. Please understand that I am only 15 and have been struggling with this to the point where I want to run away but the sad thing is I have nobody to go to.

I have a total of 6 people in my family, including me. My older brother whos turning 18 this month, has the worst issue with me. We always go back and forth with petty things and I can promise, I never initiate the problem. I feel that my bond with my brother started to weaken during the end of my 9th-grade year.

He is always picking an argument with me and my parents are always siding with him. Verbally abusing me and kicking and hitting me. I feel alone in this house and nobody can give me a reason why I deserve it. My dad has told me numerous times that nobody in this house likes me in which I would reply with " You don't have to like me". My mothers always siding with my brother, and let him talk bad about me but once I utter one bad word about him, I get a beating. She says she doesn't side against her kids but when I come to her with the situation between my brother she does nothing to help me just punishes me.

My brother has told me he wishes that I die, wouldn't care if I get kidnapped or hurt, all in front of my mom and for what- car rides? He also has bought a laptop and accidentally bought another. My mom has told him that she wishes to use it and he gives it to her but once I ask to use it, he attacks me. My mom has said that she would buy it from him but he turned it down saying he doesn't want me to use it at all. I've asked them to buy me one or lend me theirs, which they always say no. My dad struggles with infidelity. Always sending money to this lady and buying her things. I've told my mom which she doesn't care.

I told my parents that with all this abuse they will push me to the breaking point where I will feel like I will not want a relationship with them and its all over things that can get solved. I get kicked, hit, punched, slapped, pushed and for little things like not cleaning my room or the issue with my brother. I have no voice in this house and it hurts because they always preach about Islam but treat me horrible. Please help me cause I feel like I want to run away, but I know the world is dangerous!



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session. You sound like a very bright young lady with a lot of insight into what’s going on in your life. I’m glad to hear that despite what you have been through you are not suicidal. It is a very wise decision you have made and you will be earning blessings from Allah swt due to your patience, perseverance, and faithfulness.

 

As I understand, you come from a family of six siblings including an older brother who is turning 18 this month. According to you, you and your brother argue a lot concerning issues which are petty. You also stated that you and your brother used to be close but you started drifting apart during your 9th grade year. Sister, I can imagine it must be hurtful to be so close to your brother and then have all this distance and arguing between you. You may be feeling betrayed, abandoned and alone at this point.

 

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One issue that you brought up was his plane music loud in the car. While you want him to turn it down he wants to listen to aloud. He also takes the car to pick up friends and take them places against your parents’ rules. Naturally sister this upsets you. What I also see sister, is that while you argue about petty things you are also very concerned about him as your brother. As you try to please Allah and follow Islamic values, you do become upset when he does things against your parents’ wishes.

 

Sister while you have very valid points, I also want to acknowledge your brother’s age. It is quite common for teenagers to sometimes disobey their parents by taking the car driving around, picking up friends etc. I know this probably hurts you and makes you upset because they are your parents, however insha’Allah this phase will soon pass and he will realize the importance of obedience. Another point which you feel annoyed about is it fact that when you’re waiting by the car for a ride, he ignores you and goes over and talks with his friends.

 

Sister, I would like to ask you to think about where these emotions are truly coming from. Yes you have every right to get upset with some of his behaviors but do you think it’s a possibility that a part of you is a little bit hurt because you and your brother are not as close as you used to be? Could you be experiencing a little bit of jealousy and feeling left out when he leaves you by the car to be with his friends or when he doesn’t defend you in a manner that he used to? I may be wrong but I can imagine that when we’re close with our sibling and then they drift away it may seem as if they’re choosing their friends over us and arguments can follow.

 

Your brother has said some very hurtful and mean things to you such as he wishes you would die or he wouldn’t care if you got kidnapped. Sister, please know these are just vile and emotional responses, trust me-he does not mean it. Despite all of the things that are going on sister I am sure that you love him very much and he loves you.

 

There appears to be quite a lot of confusion, anger and abuse going on in your home sister as well as infidelity on your dad’s part (which is another topic). Everyone’s emotions are running high. And you are right-these are issues that could be resolved if everyone would agree to sit down and use Islamic principles and guidelines to resolve them.

 

Sister, I kindly suggest that insha’Allah you take care of yourself first. Try to remove yourself from the midst of the arguing and chaos as much as possible. If it means taking a bus home, take the bus. If it means going to the library for peace and quiet, do that. See, if you remove yourself from the fighting and bickering, they can no longer blame you or try to make you appear as the one at fault.

 

Find some peace sister. Go to the Masjid, start getting involved in Islamic activities and begin to make good friends with whom you can spend your time. I know all of this hurts but insha’Allah you will find solace and comfort in developing new healthy Islamic connections.

 

You may wish to approach your mom or dad when things are calm and ask if you can start praying together as a family as well as study the Qur’an as a family. Perhaps by engaging in praying and reading Qur’an as a family unit it may help heal your family. It may be difficult at first, but lead as an example sister. This is especially important when arguments erupt.

 

Take a moment to think. What would our beloved Prophet (pbuh) do? How would he react? By trying to model our behaviors after the prophet (pbuh) we will see many great changes in our lives and with the relations among us. We cannot force anyone to change their behaviors. We can suggest it-but we can’t force them. We can only change ours and be good examples of how a Muslim should live, relate to others and react. I am not suggesting thisis your fault and you need to change. Quite the opposite! I see great strength in your ability to be an example that may lead your family back to Islam insha’Allah.

 

When you begin to fill your life with other things that are upbuilding and positive, you will be much happier. When you refuse to participate in arguing and anger-you will feel a relief. The power to do so is within you. Seek Allah’s guidance through all of this with making duaa, doing dhzikr and seeking Allah’s mercy and direction.

 

On another serious topic-if you are being subject to abuse at home, please do let someone know. It could be a counselor at school, a trusted imam, a teacher, your family physician, or go to a neighborhood counseling center. Yes-you can even notify the authorities. Just make sure that if you are being abused, you do have a safety plan in place for when you disclose the abuse. Please do call the abuse hotline for further advice and help 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If this is not your country code please do look it up sister. You are in our prayers.

 

As salamu 'alaykum, My sister knows that skipping prayers is not a good thing, but still she fails to pray –but ma sha' Allah she knows more about the religion than me. She covers her body, and al hamdu Lilah she does not have any negative relationships. What is the reason for her behavior? I'm ready to help my sister in all possible ways. Please help me so that I can do something.



As salamu Alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. Your sister sounds wonderful! May Allah bless you for your kindness and caring about her skipping her prayers. You are a good sibling indeed who cares about your sister’s Islam and her obligations to Allah.

 

We are all striving as Muslims. Each of us has things we need to work on. For one it may be fasting, for another, it may be the way they dress, yet for someone else, it may be a bad habit such as smoking. For your sister, it is her prayers. Unfortunately missing our prayers is a huge issue as not only is it obligatory but it is our connection to Allah. It is one of the most significant pillars in Islam.

 

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I would kindly suggest that you speak with your sister. Ask her why is she skipping them. Ask her what does she feel the outcome will be. I would also inquire as to how you can help her keep her prayers. Perhaps by conversating about her feelings regarding skipping prayers she may confide in you.

 

She maybe going through something and is fearful or ashamed to pray. She may be feeling depressed. You don’t know unless you ask. Insha’Allah please do try to speak with her about her prayers in a non-judgmental way. When we approach someone (who already knows they are falling short) in a accusatory judgmental manner, they may shut down. However if we approach them with the attitude “I care, how can I help” it often makes the person more receptive.

 

Please do insha’Allah talk with your sister to try to find out the reason she is skipping prayers, provide a listening “ear” as well as encouragement and help if she discloses a problem or issue. Ask her how can you support her in completing her 5 daily prayers. Make duaa to Allah for her. We are all striving in one way or another despite appearances (hijab) or knowledge, It is part of our human condition. However, as sisters and brothers in Islam, we are to be there for one another and lovingly encourage, support and help correct an issue that exists. We wish you the best

I'm 15 years old, and I try my best to be a better Muslim everyday. I try to keep away from TV and music because it distracts me while I'm praying. But I love to read books. I read all sorts of novels - romantic, thriller, anything that interests me. Although it doesn't influence me, I feel doubtful about reading them, because sometimes the ideas expressed in the books are haram. It is the only way I keep myself entertained. I want to know if it's fine to read books which help me relax.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to us. You sound like a wonderful and pious Muslim as well as a scholar! How wonderful that you have such a desire for creativity and a thirst for adventure. You have so many interests it should not be hard to find things you enjoy reading which are also beneficial, While everything doesn’t have to be serious all the time, we do have to be careful what we feed our mind.

 

For example, comic books can be funny and entertaining. However we would want to stay away from ones which promote super aggression or are sexual in nature. It is not that we are going to suddenly change and imitate the comic book but after time it may put thoughts in one’s mind to possibly react differently. For example, if a comic book shows super hero’s fighting all the time or using curse words we may become used to that and it may seem natural to react that way.

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One day, one may find that curse words or arguing -fighting seem natural. It is these things we want to avoid. Another example is romance novels. While they may be rated G and appear innocent enough, romance novels may increase our interest in being romanticized-or romancing someone. It may also increase our sexual desires and curiosity to explore. Depending on the novel-it may even lead to a curiosity about porn.

 

These are just a few examples of what to watch out for. Otherwise, I would kindly suggest that you make a list of your interests and research online good books to get to read. You can usually get a rating for these books as well. I also like to read (and relax) so I focus on my interests in nature and travel and get books on travel stories or experiences. I also love history so much of my collection contains interesting historical books. I also enjoy learning about Islam, so I have a huge collection of Islamic books too. One of my favorites is The Sealed Nectar.

 

Enjoy your books! Just choose carefully and ensure that what you are reading is beneficial in one way or another. If you are reading something and it feels like it’s haram, put it down and get a different book. Keeping your mind pure while seeking knowledge, information, relaxation or entertainment is the key towards true benefits. We wish you the best!

My daughter chose to stay with her father when we divorced. She doesn't return my text messages and she has asked that I do not call her. Her father has said a LOT of untrue things about me and he continues. Her father and I were together for 17 years. It has been 2 months and I am so torn apart. I do not know what to do. She wants nothing to do with me.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It must hurt you very deeply. As I understand your situation, you and your husband divorced after being married for 17 years. Your daughter chose to live with him and now she refuses to speak with you and you feel it is due to your husband’s saying lies to her about you.

 

Sister, I do not know the reason for the divorce nor how your relationship with your daughter has been in the past. As it has only been two months, I ask that you give it more time insha’Allah. This divorce is too new-the pain is still fresh in everyone’s hearts and minds and a possible adjustment period is needed to facilitate healing. It is quite possible that your daughter is going through a lot of emotions right now. You and her dad were married for almost two decades. It is a lot for a teenager to handle.

 

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It could be sister, that your daughter has her own reasons for not wanting to talk to you. It may not even involve the lies your x-husband has said. Perhaps she is just withdrawing from everyone (as much as she can) until she sorts out her feelings and comes to terms with the divorce. At some point insha’Allah, she will sort everything out and see the reality and the truth of the situation.

 

She may be ready to talk sister when she has processed all that has taken place- but I would not push her right now. I would ensure that she knows your heart and home are open to her and that you love her very much, but right now she just may need space.

 

I kindly suggest dear sister that you use this time for yourself. Start your healing journey and focus on some self-love. It sounds like you have been through a lot and need some self-nurturing. I am sure you have some things to work through just as your daughter does. Use this time to build yourself up because later your daughter may need you to help her.

 

I know this hurts right now sister, but please know that insha’Allah this is a time for healing for you both. I know it may seem like your daughter is taking your x-husband’s side and leaving yours but please know Allah sets all affairs straight. Make duaa to Allah for your daughter’s healing and clarity as well as for your own. You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.