Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Family and Parenting Issues – Live Session

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohammad, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

[email protected]

 

 

Monday, Oct. 24, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My son is 2 year old , the problem is that he started to develop an aggressive attitude. He hits me if I take something from him, or force him to do anything that he dislikes. He hits his friends when they start playing, sometimes out of jealousy or just anger. He is even aggressive when he holds me or plays with me. I sometimes give him timeouts or hit him back to prove that it hurts to hit. I don't really know how to handle this and I seriously want to fix this problem before it aggravates. So, what went wrong?



As-salamu alaykum ,

Thank you for writing in to our live session. As your child is very young, I kindly suggest you do not hit your child. Hitting your child only reinforces the behaviors you are trying to stop. Your child cannot cognitively connect the reason why you are hitting him, he only knows that you too, are hitting. Additionally, there may be repercussions from child protective services depending on where you live for hitting a two year old.

As far as “what went wrong” according to child experts on development, aggression at this age is a normal phase of development. “Primitive language skills, a fierce desire to become independent, and impulsiveness make kids this age prime candidates for getting physical. Nadine Block, executive director of the Center for Effective Discipline in Columbus, Ohio states “Some degree of hitting and biting is completely normal, because 2-year-olds are so focused on ‘me’ and ‘mine, so while your 2-year-old’s behavior may embarrass and worry you — and it’s certainly not okay for him to hurt other kids — it doesn’t mean you’re raising a bully.

By consistently letting your youngster know that aggressive behavior won’t cut it and showing him other ways to express his feelings, you can help him control himself and learn to get along with others. ” (1). I would kindly suggest to intervene whenever your child is aggressive by giving removing him from the playgroup, giving him timeout and directly but gently holding his arm (with no pressure or harm) to prevent him from hitting you or others if you are nearby and see he is about to hit.

Tell him “no” firmly. At an age appropriate manner, explain to him what behaviors and actions are not acceptable, and what the consequences are. By being consistent in stopping his aggressive acts as well as rewarding him when you see positive behaviors, he will soon insha’Allah see a change in his behaviors. Consistency is important however so he develops an association between negative behaviors and consequences (time out) and good behaviors with praise. Insha’Allah examine his environment and try to correct anything which may be contributing to his aggression. Additionally, I would kindly suggest monitoring what he is watching on TV or any video’s he is playing (if you are not already).

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Insha’Allah with consistency, consequences your son will outgrow this normal phase rather quickly. Raising healthy, kind children is a challenge at times, but with Allah’s help, as parents we somehow make it through!

1-http://www.babycenter.com/0_aggression-why-it-happens-and-what-to-do-about-it_63817.bc


What in your opinion is the best age spacing between siblings in terms of each child's well being?



Thank you for writing in to our live session.

While there is no “best” age spacing, it is basically what you and your spouse prefer as a constellation as a family. However many “obstetricians recommend waiting at least 18 months before conceiving again as best for the new baby’s health” (1).

With that said, spacing children apart by 12-18 months, this will insha’Allah create a bonding between the children, there will be less sibling rivalry and parents can group the children together within a few years span which can cut costs on daycare if needed, or the caretaker commits to staying home with the children until they are of school age. On the downside, it is a lot of work raising and caring for many children who are spaced so closely, and diapers and other needs can be expensive for multiple children.

Spacing children at a two years can give the mothers body a break and time to fully heal. However sibling rivalry is more common when younger, but when the children are older “they are close to each other and still have their own identities and interests” (1). Spacing children over 3 years has many advantages such as spending quality time with the child without having to take care of others, the mom’s body is healed from child birth; costs and needs are lower; and parents may have more quality time to spend with each other to retain that closeness and reduce stress. However as more children come along later, you will be repeating the same process once again therefore you may be in a perpetual state of raising young children!

As far as outcomes for children regarding spacing, Buckles et.al (2) found that the only benefit for greater spacing was for the oldest child regarding academics. They did not find any differences for subsequent children. I would kindly suggest discussing with your spouse the pro’s and con’s of spacing and reaching a decision based on what is best for your family dynamics. Make duaa to Allah for guidance and trust in Allah, Allah knows best.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

1-http://www.mom365.com/getting-pregnant/before-you-begin/the-perfect-age-gap-between-kids/

2-https://www3.nd.edu/~kbuckles/spacing_final.pdf


What do I do when My five year old lies to me ?



As-salamu alaykum,

Lying at this age can be a phase which most children go through. It may be a way of testing boundaries or may be an innocent attempt to verbally decipher the truth from their perspective. For example if you ask your child “Did you clean you room” and your child says yes, and the room is not cleaned you may want to discuss with your child your definitions of “clean” versus your child’s. At this age you may also want to discuss the differences between reality, fantasy, wishful thinking, pretending, as much of what a child says begins with his/her imagination and previous thought processes and experiences (or lack of) with the subject matter.

At this age, children often lack the “cognitive and linguistic ability to distinguish between what is imaginary and what is real”. By modeling good communication skills yourself you can teach your child to self correct when he/she says something that is not true. If you catch yourself in a “white lie” in front of your child (“I will be there in a minute and you actually come in 5 minutes), use this opportunity to tell your child that while you said one minute, you actually meant 5 and that you were incorrect. By showing the child that even parents are to be held responsible for their own “untruths” this can help build trust, responsibility and open communication.

When your child lies, do not be too harsh but ask your child to think about his/her response again carefully and to repeat it to make sure it is correct. You may even ask questions calmly regarding the “lie” to help teach the child clarification and reality versus imaginary.

If you child is lying and you are sure it is purposeful, you may want to find out why he/she is lying. Is your child fearful? Is your child trying to avoid confrontation? Many things can cause children to lie. I would suggest that you encourage open communication and trust with your child. Often times this task becomes difficult as we as parents much be disciplinarians, teachers, and a moral compass for our children. However, by gently telling your child that you know this to not be the truth and to ask your child to please rephrase the response will often result in truth telling over time. When your child admits the truth or corrects him/her self, praise your child for telling the truth.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

While lying at this age is mostly a passing phase, as parents we can encourage truthful responses by direct, kind and open communication with our children regarding their shortcomings (and at this age-probably mistakes).

Your in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.


I'm a single mother living with my three kids, ages 12, 10 and 6. Day by day, I feel more alone and isolated. Now, I feel my life is so empty and I have begun to snap at the children sometimes. It is not their fault and I try to apologize when I do so. I know it is wrong in Islam and I know that my children need me. What should I do?



As-salamu alaykum sister,

I am so sad to hear of your isolation and frustrations. It is not easy being a single mom, I know. While I am not sure if you have family around, if you do, certainly having them stay with the children while you get some “self time” would be helpful.

If you don’t sister, I would highly suggest insha’Allah that you check out your local Masjid or Islamic center and see if they have Single Mom’s groups. If they do, by joining you will make new friends, have support from other single moms and be able to plan social events with other single mom’s wherein you can enjoy yourself and begin to feel less isolated. Also, check out your local meetup.com for social outings for single mothers, just make sure there are halal outing such as women’s hiking,

I would also kindly suggest dear sister that you make a list of things you would like to do, whether it is taking up a new hobby, taking a class in a subject you are interested in or going to a gym to workout-make your list and commit to doing at these two things a week. Also, as it appears the children are of school age, take this opportunity to do enjoyable and social things when they are at school. Again, forming friendships with the sisters at the Masjid and surrounding area will provide friends for you to do things with.

You may even want to work a part time job while the children are in school. Not only will this provide extra money but may be satisfying if you are inclined towards a certain career or job interest. Lastly, get involved with charity work in you local Islamic community. You will be helping others who are in need as well as helping yourself by getting out and doing something with others which will bring much joy and clarity.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

These years are not easy, especially alone-but you do not have to be lonely and isolated. There are many ways to get involved in life and create a balance wherein you are less stressed and less alone. Insha’allah you will take the steps towards creating the life which will bring you joy. Be creative in your thinking sister and insha’Allah Allah will grant ease!


As-salam alaikum, my two daughters fight often and while they play together, they usually just end up yelling at each other or physically hitting one another. Me and their father give them lots of attention. I also provide them with many types of learning toys, video games, and overall toys just for enjoyment. I take them to the park to play with other kids as well. Sometimes, we do yell at the girls if they get out of hand. I wonder why the girls get hyper or are fighting! Is it because they feel too boxed in having too much time at home or have we as parents taught them this behavior? Is that possible? I wonder what will be they like when they are teenagers if they continue with the same type of behavior. Any advice? Thanks for your help and service.



As-salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing in with your most important issue. While you did not state how old the children are, fighting amongst siblings is a common complaint of many parents. Sister, you sound like wonderful parents, with normal children! I would kindly suggest separating them when they do fight (especially if it gets physical) and take away a privilege such as not playing a video game for a period of time. I would also talk to them both about the importance of getting along and the negative effects of fighting, and make them apologize to the one they offended/hurt. Keeping them accountable for their negative behaviors by having them take responsibility for their actions, having a negative consequence and apologizing should be done on a consistent basis. Also, teach your children coping skills for when they feel angry.

For instance, instead of lashing out by yelling or hitting, teach them to restrain themselves by giving them an alternative expression of anger such as counting, walking away, taking a time out, or redirecting the anger into another activity such as exercise, writing, or talking with you when they feel anger bubbling up. All of this is of course age dependent and the skills you teach should be age appropriate. It will take time and energy on your part, but they will soon insha’Allah learn better behaviors.

Read to them examples of unsavory behaviors between siblings and family and the results. I would suggest reading them the story of Yusuf. It is a powerful reminder. Give them examples of how our beloved Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) treated his family members and how Allah SWT orders us to be kind to one another and to especially cherish family.

While it may take some time for these behaviors to cease, insha’Allah they will. It is kind of like living through the “terrible two’s” when children are seeking to excertkind of like living through the “terrible two’s” when children are seeking to excert their independence through opposition to authority. You will get through this and insha’Allah your children will be fine! Keep in prayer, make duaa to Allah that He grant ease for you and your family. We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network


As-salam alaikum, I was wondering if you could help me. I am wanting to use my spare time more effectively and help the sick or poor. I want to do more for the community/charity but I don't know how to get involved. I live in England.



As-salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing in to our live session. It is so wonderful to hear you would like to get involved in charity. Doing charity work is a blessing. Not only does it help those we are serving, but it also make us feel good when we help someone. It lightens and softens our hearts.

Many examples of this are given in the Qur’an and hadiths such as “You shall not attain righteousness until you spend out of what you love (in the way of Allah). Allah knows whatever you spend (3:92); “They will ask thee as to what they should spend on others. Say: “Whatever of your wealth you spend, shall (first) be for your parents, and for the near of kin, and the orphans, and the needy, and the wayfarer; and whatever good you do, verily, God has full knowledge thereof.” (Surah Baqarah, 2:215) and “Charity shall go to the poor who are suffering in the cause of GOD, and cannot emigrate. The unaware may think that they are rich, due to their dignity. But you can recognize them by certain signs; they never beg from the people persistently. Whatever charity you give, GOD is fully aware thereof (2:273).

I would kindly suggest that you write down a list of the issues in your community or elsewhere that are of high need. Chose a few that you feel you could offer the most benefit to. Contact local Islamic organizations already helping in this area and tell them you would like to be of service. I am sure they will welcome your help.

You can also check out your local Masjid and see what charitable events are going on there, such as homeless cooking and feeding days, clothes drives for the needy or other acts of support and kindness for those in need.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Networking with others in the Masjid and Islamic centers will also produce results of opportunity as many are involved in charity work.

We wish you the best, and may Allah SWT bless your efforts to provide for those less fortunate than you!