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Family Issues and Parenting

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to: [email protected] 

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Thursday, Dec. 08, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My son is very shy and refuses to attend any family gathering or meeting with friends and he is very totally unsociable, I tired to help him to change his attitude  but he never respond, he is only 12 year old, any advice? 



As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing in to our live session. What your son is going through is normal for his age. At preadolescence children are often feeling self conscious, shy, unsure of themselves socially as well as emotionally. They are still trying to find out who they are in this world and where they fit in.
I would kindly suggest getting your son involved in boys groups at the Masjid or Islamic centers which offers classes, groups, and other youth building activities. By getting him engaged in structured Islamic activities with youth his age, this may insha’Allah increase his self confidence as well as social skills. Try to get him in groups that are geared towards adolescent issues and education as these types of classes help build solid knowledge as well as address specific concerns he may have that you do not know about. Try to focus on things you know he maybe interested in as well such as a sport, a hobby or other incentive which would encourage him to participate.
I would also kindly suggest that you inquire about how school is going, finding out if he has any issues at school. Often times children are bullied at school, yet fail to tell teachers or parents and just withdraw. Please try to find out if this is the case. Also, if your husband (if this is a sister asking the question) isn’t already doing so, insha’Allah have him spent more time with your son, taking him places, talking with him, and generally forming a bond wherein your son feels free enough to confide in him if anything is wrong or bothering him. If your husband cannot due to work or scheduling, perhaps you can spend some time with him alone doing fun, no pressure activities to get him to open up.
While it is my feeling that this is normal pre-teen behavior, it never hurts to rule out if there is something else going on as well as getting him involved in positive activities. It is critical at this age as he is entering puberty and will be (or is) going through many physical and emotional changes. Building his self esteem, confidence as well as providing him with accurate knowledge and healthy activities is important at this age. Insha’Allah, he will soon emerge from this phase and become more social with family and friends and more outgoing. However insha’Allah, please do have patience and give it some time.

We wish you the best.


My daughter is 14 year-old. When she meets with people she knows she speaks very clearly and confidently with them,but when she meets strange people she stars to speak unclearly and stammered out which makes us embarrassed.. How to help her?



As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing in to our live session. It is quite natural that your daughter is more open, articulate and confident speaking with people she knows. This is human nature 🙂 To be more shy and less confident around strangers is in a way a protective modality as she doesn’t know them, she is not sure if they can be trusted and therefore it is demonstrated through her social behavior.

While it may be embarrassing to you, the main concern is the affect it is having on her. Her self esteem, self confidence and feelings of being safe and valued in strange situations (speaking in front of strangers) is of utmost importance. After all, it is not about how she reflects as your daughter which is critical at this point, but how your daughter feels about herself as well as her feeling safe in strange or different situations.

Insha’Allah I would kindly suggest that you take her out somewhere calm and nice, perhaps lunch or dinner and talk with her about some of your experiences when you were her age. Share with her times that maybe you felt awkward and shy, or even fearful and how you overcame it. Please do assure her that what she is going through is normal. If you take this approach with kindness and understanding, it may help build a connection between the two of you in regards to this issue and help her to see that you understand her and what she is going through as she struggles to express herself in front of strangers. It will also build her confidence to know she is not abnormal, but that others struggle with social fears/anxieties and feelings of awkwardness.

Insha’Allah you can provide tips that you may have used when you felt this way such as asking her to imagine the person she is speaking to is an “old friend”, having a focus point on one spot or specific direction towards whom she is addressing when speaking, to not rush her thoughts but think about them first; to take her time, as well as not be afraid of the outcome. Assure her that in time she will begin to feel comfortable speaking in front of others she does not know. Additionally, as she knows she will have your support and not your condemnation, that will take off some of the pressure as well.

Lastly, as a lot of teens go through fears of speaking in public or speaking to those whom they do not know, you can ask her if she would be interested in taking a class in Public Speaking or Debate Teams. This will offer her an opportunity to learn new skills, connect with others who are having the same difficulties as well as gain confidence. Please do insha’Allah, praise her for her efforts and refrain from being critical as this will shut her down even more so and increase the anxiety and pressure to have to speak eloquently, especially when you are around. As most parents, I am sure you desire for your daughter to be able to present herself in public in the best light possible, but with a little work and patience, I am sure she will over come this anxiety. We wish you the best!

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I’m a mother with 3 kids, my youngest son is 3 year old and he was born mentally disabled. Though his older brother are normal, I feel angry because of the child and I feel I started to hate this conditions, I understand this is a test from Allah but please help my how ti cope with this? 



As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing in to our live session. I am sorry to hear you are having emotional issues related to your son’s mental disability. However, yes he is a gift indeed! Having a child who is challenged or “differently-abled” is an adjustment for most parents, it is often difficult to accept. However if you focus on your son’s good points and abilities, you may begin to see the wonderful creation Allah has made. You may want to make a list of what you do love about him, and what it is that you “hate”. Insha’Allah, compare the lists and see which is longer. Also, look at your “hate” list and ask yourself, is this grounded in reality? Look inward at your own self, do you in any way feel you are to blame for his condition? Guilt often surfaces as resentment and “hate”.

Often times, parents seek perfection or a “normalcy” in their children and when their children are born and do not fit into this category, often times grief, anger or despair sets in. It almost like the grieving process as you may feel you “lost” something you had or were expecting to have.

I would kindly suggest getting involved with support groups for parents with children who have disabilities. These groups can provide a wealth of support as you will meet other parents who have gone through the same emotions and feelings you are experiencing right now. You can learn great coping skills from them, as well as learn how to view your child as a wonderful, unique gift from Allah who can enrich your life immensely. Please do ask your child’s pediatrician about these groups and express your ongoing difficulty accepting your son’s disability. In addition to support groups, your doctor may also refer you to counseling to help you adjust.

Lastly, make duaa to Allah regarding this issue that He in His most infinite mercy and love, show you the way towards acceptance and mercy for your son.

We wish you the best.

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My son will be 7 year-old this month and he talks to his toys all the time. He usually lined them all up and treats them like they are his class and he's the teacher. Is this normal? 



As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing in to our live session. You question brought back many memories of my daughters doing that! They also had tea parties with their dolls and talked to them like they were real friends. My son also did this with his action figures. He would line them up and talk to them about a “mission” they were going to be sent on. Soon paper airplanes were flying through the living room and different voices would be chiming in on the action as my son would create voices for his “friends”. All my children had wonderful times such as these and are now well adjusted , intelligent young adults!

What your son is doing is normal. It is called “modeling”. What he is doing is modeling behaviors that he has seen either in school or at home or some other educational setting. In fact, your son is probably very bright as he is able to use his imagination, creativity and real life experiences to keep himself occupied.
As long as your son has friends that he talks to, is expressive at home and is not socially withdrawn, you need not worry about this behavior. It is just normal play for an intelligent and creative young child. Enjoy it while it lasts!


My daughter (9 years) is very emotional and also lacks self confidence. She gets upset and weeps always for any minor issue. She is obsessed with her look and doesn't see herself pretty although she is really beautiful. She wants everyone to flatter her in order to feel that she is pretty. Sometimes, I think she wants to be like center of the world or she would be sad!  I tried to make her understand that she is pretty and that our appearance is not that important but our behavior is, but in vain. She makes me lose my mind and yell at her sometimes when she is over sensitive.  She is not good at socialization as well and always want other kids to come and beg her in order to play with them and if they don't she becomes sad that they don't love her and they ignore her. Please help me on how to deal with her. 



As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing in to our live session. It is sad that many children suffer from poor self image and low self esteem due to the environment they are raised in. Children are constantly being bombarded with images from magazines, movies, TV, and other media as to what is “beauty”. It is truly disheartening when it begins to affect girls as young as 9 or 10 as they are still children.

I would kindly suggest removing any media (books,magazines, movies, TV shows) which are geared towards this ideal. As she likes to be “flattered”, I would compliment her on acts of kindness, charitable deeds, Qur’an recitation as well as other positive actions or words. Children usually continue to focus on and display interest in what they are commended for as well as what they are praised for. I would also insha’Allah get your daughter enrolled in some Islamic classes for children which focus on the beauty of the heart (compassion, kindness, etc), of worship as well as intellectual abilities. You may want to get her involved with children’s groups that go hiking, play games together, study Qur’an, go to fun places as well as other uplifting and bonding activities. The focus would then be on the group and activity and not just on her or specific friends. Insha’Allah, she will meet some nice girls and make lasting friendships.

I would also suggest that you have her do some weekly charity work with other Muslim girls so that she can learn to take the focus off of herself and put it towards helping others.

Somehow, she has gotten the message that she is not “worthy” of love and acceptance. Please do look into her school environment to ensure she is not being bullied. Often times children who are bullied do not tell others, they suffer silently and it comes out in their behaviors such as low self esteem, inability to socialize, feeling anxious, preferring to be alone and sensitive to others perceptions of them. Insha’Allah, as frustrating as this may be, please do not yell at her as it is only re-enforcing the notion she is somehow “not good enough”.

With patience and redirection of activities, insha’Allah she will gain the correct perception of beauty and friendships as well as begin to love herself. Please do seek out the help of a child therapist in your area however if her mood and behaviors do not change with the above suggestions insha’Allah. Most of the time what you are describing is a part of growing and trying to find out where you fit in (hormonal-puberty). Mass media messages bombarding girls, and a lack of confidence and social skills can also play a part. However there is also a chance she may have depression, anxiety or a self image disorder therefore it is best to rule it out if your efforts to correct it fail.

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You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.


I want to get my kids love prophet Muhammad. However, I think they are too young to understand stories of Seerah. My kids are 3,6 and 8 years. What do you suggest as practical ways to teach them about the Prophet (PBUH) and make them love him very much?



As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing in to our live session. May Allah SWT bless you for wanting to guide your children in the wonderful direction of developing a deep love for our beloved Prophet (PBUH). Engaging your children in stories at bedtime and their quiet times is an engaging way to teach them of the Qur’an and love for the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH). There are many books for children including Qur’an & Seerah Stories for kids by Saniyasnain Khan which can be read to your children and further explained at age appropriate levels.

There is also 101 Seerah Stories and Dua by the same author, and many more. Children love stories and reading to your children and discussing the content is not only instilling a love for the Prophet (PBUH) but it is also developing in them a love for reading, as well as providing time for further bonding with you. Prior to story time you may want to ask your children what story they would like to hear. Also, engage them through questions and pictures as this makes the children an active part of the process rather than just “listeners”. Develop innovative ways based on their ages and interests to actively engage them on their level.

As your oldest is 8 and your youngest is 3, you may want to further divide your teaching time to focus on the two older children, especially if they ask a lot of questions as they are are at different developmental stage than your 3 year old. However, keep your 3 year old engaged as much as possible for this will form good habits as well as create a knowledge base at a young age, which will later on turn into appreciation in a few years insha’Allah. Most important, make duaa to Allah SWT before any activities, that your children gain the blessings, love and knowledge from your efforts.

Another way to instill love for the prophet (PBUH) is to sit at a table and have a large blank outline of Arabia, crayons and a guide book of the Prophets (PBUH) life and travels. Begin by discussing the Prophet’s (PBUH) birth and location and mark it on the paper. Begin to talk about the life of the Prophet (PBUH) and have your children participate in coloring a map of his life, labeling events. This would include places he lived, journeyed to and other significant events. CD’s are also a way to teach your children about the Prophet (PBUH).

There are many good CD’s for children in which you can pause the CD and ask your children questions relating to the portion of the CD heard. An example would be “How do you think it felt when the Prophet’s (PBUH) son Ibrahim was born”? You may wish to tie that in with how you felt when they were born. This creates a more real and vivid experience. You should insha’Allah have them do fajr prayer with you.

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Teach them to perform dhzikr and recite the last portion of surah Al-Imran before fajr prayer and explain to them that the Prophet (PHBUH) did this and why. While there may be some fidgeting and tiredness at first as it will be earlier than fajr, it is good to teach them while they are still young, for insha’Allah as they grow older it will become natural for them to do this. Instilling the love of recitation and dhzikr is part of instilling love for the Prophet (PBUH) for these are things he loved doing as well. Also teach them other mannerisms of the Prophet such as when eating, sleeping, entering a home and so on. By teaching them the sunnah of the Prophet (PBUH) you are teaching them love.

We wish you the best!