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Engagement, Wedding, Marriage

Hannah Morris
30 January, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that Ask the Counselor section is going to hold its next counseling live session on January 31st at 09:30 GMT/ 12:30 Makkah time.

If you have fears of your wedding day or future marriage, or you have issues in your marriage you would like to seek solution for, feel free to submit your questions during the session on this page or send it beforehand to [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous!

Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2017 | 12:30 - 14:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam. I'm a 25 years old Muslim man living in the USA. I've always kept a certain distance with girls. This is because I'm very shy and I show a big respect when dealing with them. Now, feeling lonely in a foreign country, empty when I go home after a long day of labor and very frustrated about sex and girls, I’ve started to think about having a girlfriend since I can't get married soon because of my financial situation and my unwilling family to see me married at my young age, thinking that I've to focus on my career first. The problem is that I'm afraid of committing zina! I'm in between two ways. Which one I'll take is easy to find but hard to apply. I somehow know what's going to be your answer, but I can't resist the beauty of the opposite sex. Waiting for an advice. Thanks.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam brother,

You are at the age where marriage and career are 2 very important things in your life and often people often mistakenly think you can only have one or the other but this is not true. Certainly, being financially stable can make it easier for marriage and even to find a spouse, but it is not the most important thing. The most important thing is character and piety and if you have these then these should be the most attractive thing for a potential spouse. You can still be pursuing a career whilst married and if you have a spouse that will support you in this then it will make it even easier for you, but these are things that you can establish when you meet with potential spouses.

As I am sure you are probably aware, marriage is recommended in Islam, especially from a young age for so many reasons. Marriage protects us from the very thing that you are clearly contemplating – zina. You have needs, both emotional and physical that can only be met in a way that is pleasing to Allah in a halal way and that is through marriage. As you know, having a girlfriend is not a permissible way to have these needs met and we know that Allah does not look favourably on this at all and as a result it is a big sin. If you do want to pursue marriage right now, it is possible do so without the support of your family, but ideally, to make things easier and smoother for you, you would have their support. Explain to them why you want to marry and if they do not want to see you fall into sin and love you enough to not want that to happen too, then they will support you in doing so in the halal way.

However, if you feel that you still can’t go ahead with marriage at this point or your family still don’t support your idea and you don’t want to go against their advice, because it’s important to respect them also, then you can take steps to protect yourself from falling into sin until you are ready to get serious about marriage. Don’t engage in free mixing and avoid environments where there are many women present where temptations might get the better of you, and especially never be alone with another woman. This goes for online environments too. Fasting was also advised by the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) to people like yourself, because when fasting, not only are you more conscious of Allah, but lowering the gaze and restraining from thoughts that might cause zina is very important too, so this is something you could make a regular habit in the mean time. Increasing other acts of ibaadah too to increase your level of eeman will also keep remembrance of Allah close and fear of Him close too, that you will feel fear to commit any sin such as zina, desiring instead to have your needs met in a halal way instead, making it easier to lower your gaze until you are ready to pursue marriage.

May Allah guide you on the straight path and keep you away from sin. When you are ready to get married, may He grant you a spouse that will bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

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Salam Aleikom. I am a hijabi sister from the US. I know the session is titled "Engagement, Wedding, and Marriage", but I feel the need to share my feelings and fears with you due to the recent events in my country. I am of Japaneese origin, my grandparents actually witnessed how Japaneese ended up in camps during WW2, and the path Trump has started to walk on scares me to the extent that in the last few days I dont feel confortable leaving my home and I have signs of PTSD. I am afraid history will repeat itself and Muslims will be isolated soon and society will not bother any more. I am happy to see such amount of support from non-Muslims, but my hope is fading. I am afraid to be punished just because I am a Muslim. I fear for my family, my friends and the whole community. Do you have any advice?



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

Certainly, things can be quite frightening for Muslims right now given the amount of persecution many face. This will inevitably lead to these feelings of fear and isolation that you have been experiencing. It must be especially difficult for you given your own family background and what they have experienced historically which will obviously contribute to your heightened fear as you see what appears to be the same path being trodden once more. However, like you say, we have also seen in recent times much support for the Muslims.

Difficult as it may be at times, remember that during such times many people also turn to Islam as the heightened attention to our religion draws people to want to find out more. Look at the amount of people that accepted Islam post 9/11, despite the headlights being on the Muslims. Yes, there were and are increases in hate crime, but there are also increases in the amount of people entering Islam also, so there are also positives that we can take from a seemingly difficult situation.

To make things easier for yourself, keep close to Allah (swt), pray to Him to make things easier for you and all the brothers and sisters who are going through difficult times as a result of the current situation. Find comfort in remembrance of Him, focusing more on the fear of Him than others. Look to historical examples of people being persecuted just for being a Muslim, even our beloved Prophet (saw) and how they managed in such times, remaining strong and united, confident that Allah (swt) would keep them safe and protect them from harm. Focusing on your prayer and acts of worship will make this process a lot easier as you get closer to Him (swt).

Isolating yourself away from the community will only reinforce your feelings and make things worse. Certainly, if the symptoms of PTSD become severe, you should seek further help, but do also continue to seek solace in your deen, finding comfort with Allah (swt) and within your local community.

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Just because there are some people who behave inappropriately towards Muslims, there are many who support us and many who probably don’t even have an opinion at all. So, it is highly likely that there are many in your community that will not have any bad feelings towards you at all and might even be ready to reach out and support you, but you will not know if you stay inside.

Unfortunately, with some things that are said in the media, this has lead to a negative perception of Islam which is what results in the hate crimes that we do see. But we can counter this by going out as proud Muslims and exhibiting the best of character, almost a subtle form of daw’ah, showing the community what Muslims are really like and challenging any negative perceptions they might have. Engage in community activities, perhaps, if there are any local volunteer opportunities where you can help out and engage with the locals, building friendships and showing the good nature of the Muslim. Be sure to be with other people too so that you are not alone, reducing any anxiety that you might have. To make it easier, you can make it gradual process; go to places that you are more familiar with, where faces are more familiar before venturing out to less familiar places.

May Allah (swt) make it easier for you and the whole Ummah to remain strong in faith, fearing Him alone and feeling content in the remembrance of Him.

Salam,

 

Salam. How many times can one perform istikhara over the same issue? I'm interested in this guy and would like to marry him. He’s my mum’s nephew’s son. He is younger than me by 4 years. He is going to be 20 soon and I'm 24, however he is very mature and humble for his age. I've stayed with his family and we all blended in very well. I'm 99.9% sure the feelings are mutual, but I feel as if because of the age difference he doesn’t want to tell me how he feels about me. I have performed istikhara in the past and I have seen good dreams. I'm from UK and he's from the USA, and I've just spent three weeks in his house. We spent a lot of time together and I definitely know there is something there. It's been over a year since I know him, and I'm being very patient but I just don't know what my next step should be because my mum is still looking for suitors for me, and I don't know how to tell her that I'm not interested. I feel I'm wasting time of others but how can I tell my mum when I'm not exactly sure of the feelings from the other side. In my heart, it feels right to tell him, but I don't want to cause issues in the family. So what's next? Shall I perform istikhara again? Or shall I tell him first how I feel about him? I'm very confused over this situation because I feel as if he's the one I want to marry. I’ve had so many suitors in the past and none were successful. I really want something to happen but I'm confused. Please advise me. Jazak'allah khair.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam sister,

Seeking a spouse can be a source of great confusion and frustration for so many people fo so many reason. Istikhara is always a recommended act to perform in such situations, so you are going about it in the right way.

There are some other points, however, that you must keep in mind as well. There is no limit to how many times you can perform istikhara, but be aware, there is no evidence to suggest that the answer will come in a dream as istikhara is simply a prayer for Allah’s (swt) guidance. To make istikhara, you are asking Allah (swt) to guide you. This might not necessarily be through a dream, but in the way you feel, the actions you do and opportunities that become available or unavailable to you.

You also need to be careful about the time you spend with him for a number of reasons. Firstly, it is not permissible to be alone with him because we know it’s said that when a man and woman are alone together then shaytan is the third person and may plant ideas in your head or, in the worst case scenario, lead you to commit acts of serious zina. The other thing is that, being with this man is also going to result in developing feelings for him which you might mistake for Allah (swt) answering your istikhara with a positive answer to pursue marriage to him, when actually these feelings have developed because of spending so much time with him. These are things to keep in mind when making istikhara and interpreting what the result of your prayers are. Your feelings that you have developed towards him will also be tainting your opinions on whether any of the suitors that your mum finds for you are right for you, because in your mind, it seems that you have already decided that this other man is the one for you.

I certainly can’t advise you to go ahead and tell this man directly what’s happening is not permissible in Islam, but if you reflect on my words regarding how the time you have spent together may influence you heart, your decision, and your interpretation of your istikhara and still decide that he is the one for you, then it is important that you go ahead in the most permissible way. You can either approach his family, or have someone from your family to approach himself or his family to move forward with a proposal.

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If you feel that the time you have spent with this man may have influenced your thoughts and you chose to leave this as an option, and instead seek a spouse with the assistance of your mum, keep in mind that your mum is wiser than you in marriage and only wants to look out for your best interests. So, give other potential suitors a chance also. Your mum has a more neutral position on the matter so is in a good place to advise. So try to be more open minded about the potential for another spouse. She is going about it in the correct way and organise meetings in a halal way to pursue other options.

May Allah (swt) bring a suitable spouse your way that you will be happy and content with. May He (swt) bring happiness and contentment in your lives in this life and the next.

Salam,

Salam Aleikom. I am from Iran and came to the US a few month ago for work reasons. I have been working on to get my family here to be with me, But due to the new law of Trump, my wife and son were not allowed to departure although they received their visa and had the ticket. We are desperate. I don’t what to do now. Please help!



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh dear sister,

It is a very difficult situation many people have been facing recently, and it is an issue that affects everyone on a global level. I can understand how difficult things must be for you right now. But there are some steps that you can take to ensure your well-being during these testing times.

Being separated from your family under any circumstances can be hugely distressing for a number of reasons. However, it is really great to see the support for people in your situation now. Seldom we see times like this where people of all faiths are unified in supporting one another through crisis. There is plenty of support available as so many people, Muslims and non-Muslims alike, are stepping forward to help and support the Muslims (and non-Muslims) affected by this new law in ways that we have never witnessed before. In fact, times like this bring even more people to Islam as it draws their attention to the religion to the point where they would like to read and find out more. So whilst on the surface it might seem like a big disaster, sometimes, these things can be a hidden blessing to the Ummah as a whole.

The key in this situation is patience. As you know, whilst it is a devastating law to pass, it is only a temporary one and one that so many people are fighting to overturn right now. Although we don’t have the physical power to overturn this rule ourselves, what we do have is the power of prayer. Nothing is more powerful than that. Turn to Allah (swt) and pray to Him to release you and all the other families in this situation from the difficulties that they are facing right now. Be steadfast and content in the knowledge that Allah (swt) will hear your prayers. It can be very easy to give up in times like this, but continue to rely on Allah (swt) and turn to Him. Surely, He (swt) will see you through and will never give up on you.

Alhamdulilah, with technology today, you cannot be entirely cut off. You can still maintain contact with family and friends through telephone calls and the internet. Whilst this is not ideal and no replacement for them being with you in person, you will find some comfort that you are not entirely cut off from them. Remember that there are people in even worse situations where they become entirely cut off from their family with no means of communication, not even sure of their loved one’s safety and well-being.

Keep active in your local community, find comfort with local brothers, and keep yourself busy until in sha Allah your wife and son can join you again.

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Being absent from your wife and son will make you appreciate them and vice versa so much more. All too often when we spend all our time with our loved ones we take them for granted. Being apart, especially for an extended time, can only grow the love between you even further, building solid foundations for your relationship when you are reunited once again.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to truly appreciate the positives in a situation when times seem so dire, but it’s important for your own psychological health to take a positive view of things too to keep you motivated through the worst of times. Allah (swt) will reward your patience during these trying times, and that is a very important point to remember to keep you pushing through the toughest of times.

May Allah (swt) bring ease to you and your family, bring you all strength, and unite you again very soon in sha Allah.

Salam,

 

Assalamu'alaikum wrwb. My elder brother had told me about one of his friends who he thought was a good choice for me. The boy and his family had agreed for it too. And after finding out about him, even I was convinced with his deen & character. Infact I was certain that he was the kind of man I wanted to marry. But it so happened that my parents refused the proposal saying that he didnt earn enough & had a lot of family responsibilties to shoulder, which didn't seem to be a big issue to me. But anyhow, respectfully I accepted their decision. Now that my parents have sought every eligible bachelor they could find, without any fruitful result I asked them to consider the one they had rejected earlier. Finally they have now agreed to give him a fair trial. But my brother is confused as to how to approach him another time after having 'not considered' him once before. Please help. Jazakallahu khair. Wassalam.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh dear sister,

Ma sha’ Allah, it’s pleasing to read that you have the support of your family in helping you to seek a suitable spouse. It all appears to have been done in an acceptable way which is oftentimes challenging in today’s world where people are influenced by zina and marriages fall victim to haram cultural practises.

It is unfortunate that a seemingly suitable spouse was turned away at first due to his financial commitments, but alhamdulillah that now your family is happy to accept him as your spouse after having had no success with other suitors. Unfortunately, this comes after they had already turned him down. Alhamdulilah, you were always happy with him in the first place, and he seemed like the kind of man you would want to marry despite his financial burdens. It seems Allah (swt) has opened the way for you to give it a go again. However, the worry is now about how to go back to him after having turned him down before.

Sometimes, in these situations, it’s best just to be honest about things. Getting caught up in excuses can only make things uncomfortable and confusing and can set unsteady foundations for a marriage. You thought his character and deen were good, but your parents worried he didn’t earn enough. But now they realise that this is not the most important thing, and they were not right to judge him on that. Simply presenting it in this honest way could be a way forward. It may be a little embarrassing, but if you don’t try again, you will never know if he would accept you. You may end up living a life wondering ‘what if?’ which never bodes well for a happy future. Even if you do find another spouse, you may wonder what would have happened if you had approached him again.

In these kind of situations, ask yourself “what’s the worst that could happen?’” Well, in the worst case scenario, he will say no and you and your family might feel a bit embarrassed, but you will move on and continue your search. But you can do so confidently, knowing that you did try. Who knows, maybe he will admire the honesty of your family and your humbleness. You can even learn from it that the most important thing is to judge a man on is his deen and his character, and if a man should come long that meets this criteria, regardless of his income, you can be more confident to accept the offer.

As your brother will approach him, this might either make the situation easier, because they are already friends, or it could make it harder. But he has already faced the hardest bit of being in his presence after his proposal was turned down the first time, so perhaps it could not be any worse than this and will, therefore, make it a slightly easier situation for him to approach.

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If or when he chooses to go forward and broach the subject with him, he should ideally ensure that the two of them are alone, that no one else is listening in to avoid any embarrassment, except if your parents wanted to support him. He should assess the situation, ensure that the man is in a good space of mind and is not overly stressed about something else that he won’t have the mental capacity to listen. Ensure that he has sufficient time to talk with him that he doesn’t need to run off to another task.

If this man is meant to be for you, then may Allah (swt) make it easy for your brother to talk with him about it and unite you and this man in happiness and contentment. If not, may Allah (swt) quickly give you another righteous spouse that you will be happy with and will be the coolness of your eyes.

Salam,

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