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On Marriage, Family Issues (Counseling Session)

Salam `Alaykum Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks to all who joined our Counseling Session with our Counselor Aisha Mohamed Swan on Friday, June 9th, 2017. You can read the complete questions and answers below.

Stay tuned for our coming live sessions.

You can always send your question related to clinical disorders, cultural, individual, family and relationship issues to [email protected]

 

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Friday, Jun. 09, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I'm married for 4 years now. And my husband works a couple town away from where we live. One hour to be exact. He has a habit of going out to lunch and dinner dates with people from work, and his cousins and friends. He is Arab and I'm American. On one of these occasions where he's out we had been in contact through the phone talking and texting. My problem is I feel like it's the same things you share in conversation and the like that bond you through love, etc. I only found out he went out that day through bank statements. Is it wrong that I should assume he tells me these things or is it just eating? like he's said. thanks for your advice.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing into our live session.  As I understand it, your husband works an hour from your home.  He also goes out to lunch and dinner with co-workers, cousins, and friends.  You stated that he keeps in contact with some of these people through text messages and phone.  Your question as I see it relates to the appropriateness of these texts and phone calls as well as if there is a chance he could be cheating, rather than eating.

 

There are some cultural differences between Arab and American Muslims as you know.  For instance, Arab men can easily sow affection to their close male friends and family and are usually stand-offish with females who are not family.  The men often use terms like habibi and others to denote affection and closeness.  This can be mistaken for other things by Americans who are not familiar with their culture.  While you did not say whom he was texting and talking to, but you did see on a bank statement that he went out to eat, then insha’Allah that is what he was doing.  At this point, I am unclear if the two of you were texting and talking as you said ‘we had been in contact by phone and texting” or if it was someone else and you saw or overheard the conversation.

 

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In any event sister, I kindly suggest that you sit down with your husband when things are calm and talk to him about how you feel based on what you have seen and heard. Do not approach him with accusations or when your upset as he will feel like he has to be defensive. Just explain to him that you understand there are cultural differences in communication at times as well as expressions and that you would like to have a clearer understanding of what is meant by his conversation with (insert person’s name). It may be totally innocent sister and he was truly just having lunch/dinner. However, good communication skills between husband and wife are vital for a successful marriage.

 

It could be that the two of you just need to clarify and talk more about things that may seem unimportant or insignificant to one, in order to the other not to get the wrong impression. If something is going on sister, insha’Allah when you speak with him you will be able to tell by his reaction in his voice and body language. Insha’Allah sister by having this conversation with your husband, all will be cleared up for you.

 

You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are.

 

 


I have been married for a year and a half now. The marriage has broken down. He refuses to have anything to do with me. My current circumstances are also that I am struggling. I feel as if it was just a big joke and I feel used. Please advise what I can do about this. He refused even to go and register the marriage. Nobody is bothering to sort it out, therefore, I feel as if I have just been played with by a number of people.



As salamu alaykum sister,

I am sad to hear of the confusing time you are having with your marriage.  I do not know if you live together, or not, if you ever did or if there is family there to help you.  I am not clear on how long this has been going on or if you’re even in contact with him anymore.

 

My dear sister, the best advice I can give you is to go to the Masjid where you were married (if possible) and speak to the imam who married you and give him specific details as to what has happened and what is going on.  As I know very little at this point, I can only refer you to the imam as well as social services in your area if you are struggling financially as he left.

 

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Please sister, your a valuable, pious, precious Muslima.  I do not know who these people are or why they treated you like this but Allah will deal with them.

 

Please do resubmit your question with more details if further advices are needed.  You are in our prayers.


As-salamu `Alaikum, I have been married for more than 2 years. My husband is an introvert person, only in company with his friends not even with family. He is not a practicing Muslim. Nowadays, I find him little bit moody, when I asked him he said one of his female coworkers is resigning, and it's been more than 2 weeks still he is moody. I tried consoling him even though I did not like it. Now, he told me that he did not tell her about our marriage. He told her we are engaged. I tried not to lose my cool but expressed that I am hurt. He promised me he will never repeat it again. I even asked him should I move out so that they both can marry and live together because I don't want to stand in between them. I know I sound odd, he told me she is having an affair with someone else and between my husband and her is just friendship, not love and he wants me only. One day, he told me he doesn't have her contact number but now I came to know he has. I don't know how to take it. He is telling lies one after the other. He is somewhat forward. I am kind of old style person. For me, entertainment is doing namaz, reading, Quran and listening to Islamic speeches. He loves to enjoy time with his friends rather than me because his areas of interest are going to a movie, theater etc..which I don't like. I used to get hurt sometimes but never used tell to him because whenever I express possessiveness he will say he don't want me to be like his friend's wife who always nags. He likes going alone telling me I can go wherever I want, I am not used to this. I am from a family where everyone values each other much. My father had been my idol, now he is no more. Nowadays, I am preparing for major exams and I am not able to concentrate because of this girl issue. Please tell me how I can move on without getting bothered about this. The more I think about this issue the more mental I am becoming. He used to speak about her every day. Finally, I told it's hurting me, then he will say he will stop discussing things with me. I cannot do anything. I am now only thinking about the hereafter. I don't know why I lost my all hope. He even told me he will sometimes go for a coffee with her and I said yes to that to make him happy. Even though it's against our religion but it's killing me from inside. Now, I don't even speak with males due to fear of Allah. Please advise me so that I can take things lightly



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session.  I am sorry to hear about the issues you are having with your husband, it must be very painful for you sister and I can see you love him very much to agree to the things that you have agreed to.  Your husband should not be permitted to just go out with women and have coffee and talk, have affairs etc.  While I understand you love him and want him to be happy (stating you would move out so they could get married) there is a limit sister to what is permissible as you know.  He also lied about his marriage to you, stating he was engaged.  This is very troubling and really, even if he is not practising Islam he should at least respect you and the marriage.

 

I would kindly suggest sister that you sit down and talk with him when things are calm.  I would ask him if he desires to still be married and if so, how does being married look like to him?  How would he like his marriage and wife to be?  Please do insha’Allah tell him as well what you expect from your marriage and from him as a husband.  If both of you can agree to heal your marriage and save it (which is what is recommended) then I kindly suggest that the two of you make a list of things that can draw you closer as a couple.  As you stated you were more of a traditional Muslim and he is not even practicing, possibly the first request would be for him to begin to practise Islam.

 

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Maybe take some Islamic classes together, afterward go out for tea or dinner.  Suggest he begins praying with you as well.  Make a list of important things which will not be violated in the future such as talking to other women, cheating, lying and so forth and make sure he can be agreed with it.  Try to rekindle your relationship by introducing things you both enjoy and can do together.  Find new things to do together while sharing some of each other’s  current interests.

 

For example, while he enjoys movies and you do not perhaps you can reach a compromise and see a halal movie together once in awhile.  Maybe you enjoy gardening and he does not, so he will compromise and spend a few hours gardening with you.  Marriage is about balance, compromise, respect, and communication.   It is also about honesty, sincerity, sustainability, and patience.

 

As you have only been married for 2 years, I would kindly suggest sister that you try to save your marriage.  I would, however, advise you to not put up with cheating, going out with other women, nor encourage this behavior by saying ‘yes’ to his infidelities.  Not only are you putting yourself at risk for STD’s but you are subconsciously giving him the ‘green light” to cheat.  Please do let him know it is haram, that yes you love him but you will not tolerate it.   If he is willing to start over and build an Islamic marriage with you, built on respect, trust and love, then insha’allah sister it may take the time to trust him as you have been betrayed and hurt but Allah is the best of healers.

 

If he is unwilling to live within the Islamic boundaries of a marriage and treat you with love, respect, and dignity, then you do have the right and option for divorce. However, this is only recommended once you have tried to save your marriage.  Often times married couples go through horrific things only to emerge stronger, closer and more dedicated to each other as marriage partners. So do not lose hope dear sister.

 

Please do try talking with him sister, set forth agreements between you for your marriage, encourage him to practice Islam, seek out marriage counseling if he agrees on, and focus on healing.  If he refuses, your last option is divorce.   You are a beautiful, pious sister and I am sure you would have no problem finding a loving pious husband who appreciates you if the need be.  Hopefully, insha’Allah the one who is your husband now will be that man.  It just might take some work, forgiveness, and steadfastness on your part.  But please, don’t ever doubt your worth or your value.  Allah knows best.

 

You are in our prayers sister.  Please let us know how you are doing.

 

 


Asalamwalaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatu, I want to marry a girl but I am not financially settled as I am just a student and she is a student too. She is younger than me and I gave her dawah about true Islam and Alhamdulillah she accepted all my words from Quran and sahih hadeeth, which made me like her. Her character is very good and she is very religiously committed. Earlier she was not pious but now she is learning deen and pondering upon it. So I want to marry her, I have a feeling for her in my heart so I will marry now nor she will because of our further studies, may be 3-4 years later in shaa Allah. She is not so beautiful but her piousness made me love her. So what to do? Should I ask her will you marry me, Or wait for her time to be getting married? As I fear if anybody else put marriage proposal to her father. I need your advice. And also, I want a beautiful wife but as prophet Muhammad pbuh said character and piousness are first preference for being married a righteous woman and that she is alhamdulillah. What to do? Please do reply my answers. Jazakallahmulahu kairan.



As-salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing into our live session. Alhumdulilah you have found someone whom you feel you are compatible with. I am very happy for you brother! I am a bit confused, however. Forgive me if I misunderstood you but you stated she is studying Islam from Qur’an and hadith, has accepted it and is pondering upon it. Has she taken shahadda yet? If not I would kindly advise that you wait until she takes shahadda and gets more settled as a Muslima before you propose.

 

I suggest this to ensure that her interest is in Islam and that she truly loves Allah (swt) and believes in her heart that Islam is the true path, true religion. Often times a girl will be intested in Islam because she is ‘in love” with the man who has taught her. By waiting dear brother, you can see whether it is truly Islam she loves or if she is just doing it for you. If she is just doing it for you, it may cause some problems down the line if she truly does not have Islam in her heart and begins to live un-Islamically.This would be a heartbreak for you. Insha’Allah she is truly going to take Shahadda for the sake of Allah (swt) (or she already did) and everything will work out wonderfully for you both.

 

In regards to your financial situation, there are many cases wherein the students do get married while in school but they often have the support from one or both families until they finish school. In your case, you stated you may choose to wait which is fine too alhumdulilah. In the case of waiting 3-4 years, I would kindly suggest that you inform her of your intent. Simply tell her that you respect and admire her pious qualities, you are attracted to her as a possible future wife, that you feel you both would be compatible and that you would like to marry her. Insha’Allah have a visual plan in your mind as to where and how you will live as it may be a question that comes up.

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If she accepts, I would make arrangements to go to her family’s home and speak to them about your proposal. You may want to bring a member of your family as well. It was not clear if her family is Muslim or not, if her family is not Muslim it is still a sign of respect and serious intent. Again, be well prepared to answer questions regarding your ability to take care of her, your way of life as well as your character references from people who know you in the community. Insha’Allah brother everything will go smoothly.

 

Make duaa to Allah for guidance and encourage her to do the same. We wish you both the best.


I'm 16 years old and I fell in love with a Christian girl in the same age. We've been talking to each other at school and on the phone and I've never done anything haram to her like kiss or touch her etc..She understands that we can't date and knows our rules to marriage in Islam. She's confused because she said she'll go as far as getting married but her pastor told her it's a sin to be with a Muslim. I'm trying to convince her it's not wrong and I honestly don't know what to do. I sent an email to a sheikh and he told me it's a sin to talk to her because she's a complete stranger. I don't really understand that and I need your help. I know a Muslim guy can marry a Christian woman but there are rules to it. Can you explain to me everything because I'm lost as well? All the questions I have are 1) why did the sheikh tell me I'm sinful? I didn't do anything wrong. 2) what should I do next because she loves me and I do too, are there any other options? I know it's gonna be hard. I know I'm too young to be thinking about marriage at this age and I know our decisions as teenagers will change but I'm responsible. I'm not saying I'm trying to get married now. She has been crying every day because she doesn't know what to do and I just want the best for her.



As salamu alaykum brother,

 

I am sorry to hear of the emotional turmoil you have been going through.  I will say however that I am happy to hear that you have not done anything with this girl because at your age it is so easy for our emotions to get the best of us and fall into a sinful state.  Perhaps that is what the shaykh was referring to I am not sure.  Please do refer to our ‘Ask the Scholar” section if you still have questions.  I am not an Islamic scholar,  however, while it is not a sin to talk to someone as long as the conversation is of halal content, it should be limited or in the presence of a guardian such as a parent.

 

This is to avoid the possibility of anything haram happening or being said.  People talk to the opposite sex every day.  In school, in business dealings, at charity functions, at fundraisers,  cooperate meetings and so forth.  The issue is where is the line drawn regarding the content of the conversation when talking to the opposite sex.  That would depend upon what kind of a conversation you are having, and only you know what was said between you and this girl.  Additionally, as you know having conversations alone with her is forbidden in Islam.  However, as you said you talked in school and on the phone insha’Allah you were around schoolmates or family.

 

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Based on what you said, she appears to be a practicing Christian so yes, when you both are older she is permissible for you to marry.  Muslim men are allowed to marry women of the Books (Christian, Jewish) as long as they are practicing women.  Why her pastor said it was a sin to marry you would depend on what denomination of Christian she is.  Just like in Islam Muslim women must marry Muslim men, possibly in her denomination of Christianity it is the same, but I am not sure.

 

Brother, as you are not of age yet and neither is she, I would advise you to kindly cut off speaking with her until you are both 18.  While this option may hurt you both right now, please rest assure that if it is decreed by Allah it will not pass you.  You can explain to her that you care about her and because you do, you feel that if there is going to be any possible future together as a married couple, that it is best to wait until you are both of age.

 

By waiting to talk brother, you and she will be able to focus on your studies better, you will reduce the chances of getting involved in something you will regret and you both will be pleasing Allah.  You may suggest to her that during this 1-2 year period, that she study Islam to gain a better knowledge of who you are as a Muslim.  Insha’Allah she will see it is not a sin to marry you and she may even see the light of Islam and take shahadda,  We never know the blessings that can come from waiting for brother. shahadda,  We never know the blessings that can come from waiting for a brother.

 

If after you both graduate and chose to resume plans for marriage, you will be of legal age to properly pursue her in a halal way and she will be free to say yes without fear of retribution from her church or family, at least in the way of legalities.  I am confident you can do this knowing it will have a blessed outcome, in the end, no matter which way it goes.  We wish you the best brother, let us know how you are doing.


Asalaamu alaikum, I am a second-year high school student graduating insha Allah next year, a sister approached me telling me she wants me to marry her brother abroad and mom too is aware of this but she isn't that serious about it. I want to ask how to go about getting married in sha Allah after school because I hope to like the guy and I want to school up till like a university.



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am happy to hear you are in school and will be graduatinhg in another year insha’Allah and will be going on to a university. How exciting! I can imagine your family is very proud of you. Regarding the boy that wants to marry you, do you know him? Have you met him before and do you think he is someone who you would be compatible with? Are you thinking of getting married after high school or after university? Sister, there are many things to consider when you contemplate marriage.

As you are still in high school there is time to find out more about the boy. As your mom already knows, you may want to talk with her and express your intent and also confirm with her that you plan to finish school, including university so she won’t think that this marriage will interfere with your education. Often times, parents are hesitant to think seriously about having their child marry until their schooling is safely finished.

I would kindly suggest sister that you consult with your mom about his family and about him. If possible, you and your family might want to meet his family and discuss a possible marriage and what that would look like. You could ask your mom’s permission to correspond with him with her present in order to see if you have things in common. Be sure sister to have a list of questions that you may want to ask him. After you graduate from high school, if there are Islamic marriage preparation classes at your local Islamic center it would be helpful to take them now. By taking classes such as these it prepares us for marriage, helps us understand what an Islamic marriage entails, teaches us of our rights and responsibilities as well as helps us closely think about what it is we are looking for in a marriage partner. At this point, you may want to ask your mom’s permission to correspond with the boy, with her present in order to see if you have things in common and to learn more about his personality. Be sure to have a list of questions that you may want to ask him.

By taking classes such as these it prepares us for marriage, helps us understand what an Islamic marriage entails, teaches us of our rights and responsibilities as well as helps us closely think about what it is we are looking for in a marriage partner. At this point, you may want to ask your mom’s permission to correspond with the boy, with her present in order to see if you have things in common and to learn more about his personality. Be sure to have a list of questions that you may want to ask him.

Sister as you still have time regarding a possible marriage to this boy, please do continue to focus on your studies at school. Getting good grades and remaining focused on your studies is a sign of maturity and good decision making which I am sure your mom will be watching for. Your mom has your best interests at heart and I am sure she wants to see you married to the one who will take good care of you, respect and love you and provide a good Islamic foundation for a successful marriage.

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So my dear sister, in answer to your question about how to get married after school, the best advise I can provide is to continue getting good grades, don’t lose focus on your education, seek out your mom’s advice and input, get to know the boy and his family with your mom (or other family representative) present as well as take classes on Marriage Preparation. Lastly, seek Allah’s guidance in all matters. We wish you the best sister!

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.