Dealing with Rebellious Teens -Live Session | About Islam
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Dealing with Rebellious Teens -Live Session

Session Guest

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)


Thursday, Mar. 28, 2019 | 14:00 - 16:00 Makkah | 11:00 - 13:00 GMT

Session Status

Session is over.

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

 


Salamu alaykum,

I'm a Muslim living in the US, I'm an engineer and I volunteer in weekends to teach kids about Islam at the mosque. Last week I was talking to a group of kids/teens about Al Israa' and al Mi'raj (The night journey) and a 13-year-old boy asked me if there were proof that this miraculous journey really happened.

He heard some mates saying it could be something non-physical like revelation for example that happens within the mind and soul of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) but not Physical (with his body) as it's very hard to imagine this has really happened.

Please advise, how can I respond to such questions in a way that appeals to youth and teens.

Thank you



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Masha Allah, great work working with the youth to teach about Islam. Like with most people, as they come to learn more, there are also things they might question, especially the unseen. It is particularly difficult to explain this to children and to teens who may challenge such notions.

 

The first place to begin is to nurture the belief in Allah, after all we don’t see Him, yet we believe in Him and his creation. Once the belief in Him is strong it becomes easier and more realistic to believe in other aspects of the unseen. This can be done at first by looking at the things that can be seen that were created by Allah. Simply looking at nature, the night sky, the ocean – things that we can physically see and ponder over how they were created. Surely only Allah could have created these things and keep them going day after day.

 

Also, highlight the fact that as human beings we have a limited capacity for understanding. As a result, it is natural for us to question things that we can’t fully comprehend. Raise a few examples to get them thinking. For example, do they believe that the planets exist? But did they see them in person? Sure, they might have seen pictures, but do they believe they exist solely based on the fact that scientists have said so? How do they know that the pictures they see are actually from these planets? They don’t,  but we believe the scientists that tell us that they are from the planets. If we can believe man, then why can’t we believe that Allah created other things that we can’t see?

When we want help, we call on Allah, right? When our loved ones pass away, we pray that they will enter Jannah, right? Matter of which are unseen, yet we turn to Allah and our belief in unseen things to guide the same.

 

Also, to highlight the fact that does it really matter how the night journey happened? Whether it was physical or not? What is important is that we know and trust that it happened, but how it happened is not necessarily relevant. We cannot just chose to believe one story reported in the hadith, but not another and to question something too much can only lead to further confusion.

 

As such, you can bring in more everyday examples to highlight such points. For example, perhaps they entered a car to reach the mosque to attend class. The car brought them there but wasn’t concerned about how the car was made, for example.

 

Does it matter what car they came in or the ins and outs or how it was made? No, the most important thing and the fact we can observe is that it got them to the mosque regardless. Such examples can help to highlight the irrelevance of certain matters.

 

Another useful tactic to use for this age group is an open discussion. Get them to discuss it amongst themselves. You will likely find that they even arrive at the answer between themselves. You make it a general discussion on the unseen to begin with and then focus the topic on the matter of the night journey. Such exercises can be useful team-building exercises too as it opens the opportunity for forging friendships within the group.

 

May Allah reward your efforts and guide you in educating the kids and teens in the mosque effectively.


Asalamu alaikum, my 19-year-old daughter ran away to live with fathers family that some are not practicing, or have left Islam. She is asking for me to still pay her bills and school but wants to remain elsewhere. What should I do?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh

 

This must be a very distressing time for you as not only has your daughter run away, but she is staying with people who are not practicing Islam which is naturally leaving you concerned about her.

 

Alhamdulilah, she is still staying in touch with you so there is still hope. However, it is important to be cautious about how you do so so as to keep her in a place where there is still a chance to influence her positively. It is generally best not to be too pushy in such situations as you risk pushing her away altogether where you will no longer be able to have any influence over her.

 

She is an adult now so is old enough to.make her own decisions, but assuming she is not yet married, she still very much relies on you and this is why she has reached out to you. You can use this contact as an opportunity to build bridges once more.

 

Without being aware of why she left in the first place I can only advise more generally. The fact that she left perhaps indicates some difficulties between you or perhaps she just reached an age where she felt the need to explore life a bit more beyond the home, so you might begin by rebuilding and strengthening the relationship again. Nurture a comfortable relationship that will encourage her to come back to get the love and support that she needs from you as a mother and this way you can feel more satisfied that she is in an environment where Islam is practiced.

 

From afar you can still be a good role model to her that she will be strong enough to practice Islam even if she is in the presence of those who do not. If she looks to you as a strong female role model, she will aspire to follow. Seeing you happy and confident in your Deen, practising and content she will be more likely to take the same path.

 

Perhaps you might work on your relationship by gradually increasing the time you spend together. Do fun and enjoyable things together that will facilitate building a good relationship together. It may just meet up on a set day each week, to begin with.

 

Do things together that you know she enjoys, go to places you know she likes to go. This will make it easier to build the relationship as she will be in a comfortable space and therefore you can both be comfortable to talk on deeper matters over time. It will give her the chance to open up about her feelings and for you to express your concerns. This will open the doors for you then to discuss your concerns about funding her schooling etc when you are concerned about her environment.

 

Once the relationship has reached a good space this will be the most ideal time to possibly come up with some kind of mutual agreement; something that is agreed between the 2 of you without being something that you impose upon her.

 

For example, you might agree that you will pay for her schooling if she stays at home so that you don’t have extra to pay for bills. Or else, you may continue to meet up regularly so that you can keep an eye on her. That is, monitoring that she is not going astray. If you can see that she is practicing despite living in a less conducive environment you can at least feel comfortable that she is not being influenced belt her surroundings, whilst you can maintain the positive influence on her.

 

Perhaps, over time, she will make the decision herself to go back to you. If she does not and you see her remain strong in faith you can be reassured that she is a strong young woman able to face the struggles of living as a Muslim in the West. Either way, maintaining a good relationship and letting her know that your doors are always open will provide her with the support she needs whatever she should face.

 

May Allah reward your concerns for her and may He guide her on the straight path and bring comfort in your hearts between one another.

 


Assalam o alaikum. I lost my full-term baby girl after 38 weeks of pregnancy. It was my first baby after 3 years of marriage. I am so much depressed and devastated and can't stop myself to think about that incident. I know my girl is in Jannah but kindly advice me some due to recover from that depression and anxiety. JazakAllah khair



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister

 

Inna lilahi wa Inna ilayi rajioon. Sorry to hear of your loss. May Allah reward your patience and bring strength during this difficult time. It is devastating to have carried a baby to full term only to lose them at birth, especially as a first child after 3 years of marriage.

 

Alhamdulilah, that she is waiting for you in Jannah, but you will inevitably fasting the depression that comes as a result of losing a child and accepting this as part of the journey. To be continually thinking about her at this point is perfectly normal and is all a part of the process of grieving.

 

In time, as you adjust, your pain will be eased and your heightened emotions will lift. You will never forget her, but you will learn to cope with the situation more effectively.

 

In times of adversity, we often get caught up in the negatives in the situation which leads us to lose track of and forget the blessings in our life. That’s not to say that we should not grieve such a devastating loss, because you should allow yourself to for a time, but then give yourself the space to focus on the positives that you can gain from the experience.

 

Firstly, to experience death is a reminder of Allah. A reminder that He is the giver and taker of life. Comfort yourself in the knowledge that it is by His will that your daughter was taken when she was. Allah knows best that that was her appointed time and He knows. Alhamdulilah, she is in jannah, but the test now is with you. Your test is to overcome this difficulty. A song faith in Allah is the best way to move forward positively.

 

The belief that He knows best and your trust in this will help you to accept that this has happened. Staying sting in your faith through worship is the best way to emphasize and support this yourself. Continue to pray and turn to Allah In du’a.  Cry to Him, let Him know your concerns and ask Him to give you strength. Simply turning to Him like this can give you the strength to carry on as well as bring you more confidence and contentment in His will.

 

Remember Allah at all times and spend time with good, Allah fearing people. This will give you the social support you need from those who will encourage you in your Deen. This will strengthen your faith as well as providing you with support from people which is essential in the grieving process. You may also join groups for sisters who have been through the same. This way you can get support from those who have been there before and will be able to advise you based on their experience.

 

Aside from spiritual support, it is also important not to let go of other things to. You have just given birth to a baby and need time to recover. Take care of yourself and get plenty of rest at this time. Following giving birth as your hormones change you will naturally go through emotional changes regardless of whether you have a stillbirth of not and this can also be difficult to manage. Your body will also be going through other changes as well so it is important to be kind to yourself to support your recovery. Rest as much as possible for these first few weeks at least. Once this recovery period is over, do make sure to go back to your usual tasks and do the things that you enjoy.

 

The grieving process can take some time and if you are still feeling low after some weeks do make sure to seek further counselling in support you to move forward.

 

May Allah make it easy for you and may He give the strength and patience to cope at this difficult time.

 


Salam. I’m a mother of 2 sons and 2 daughters. My eldest son just turned 14 two days back. Unfortunately, my husband who was a pious Muslim passed away in 2017. I’m here alone with my kids.I had in mind that since my son is approaching puberty I really wanted some male to discuss with him about it.

But none agreed as they said its normal process and he is too young now to discuss anything. Just 10 minutes before as I took his tablet from him. I checked his history like I check-in routine at anytime every 6-7 days. I was extremely shocked and depressed now to see that my son who prays regularly in mosque had been watching porn for the last 10-15 days I got too much stuck in my thesis so was unable to check it. He doesn’t have a father now. Nor do I know any male here who can talk to him. How should I approach this matter? I’m already a broken-hearted woman from the death of my husband. Too much pain for me to handle.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Inna lilahi wa Inna ilayi rajioon. Sorry to hear of the passing of your husband. May Allah make it easy for you and grant him the highest status in Jannah.

 

You are now in the position where you are raising your children as a single parent. This comes with many struggles, but the one you are facing now is with your teen son and your worry about how to educate him in matters relating to puberty now that your husband is no longer here. It is particularly concerning now that you have discovered that he has been watching porn.

 

It is much easier and perhaps appropriate for a male to discuss such matters with him, but without your husband, you would now like to find another male but do not know of any. In your case, if he does not have any uncles who could approach the topic with him, I would recommend turning to your local imam. He will be best placed to talk to him about these matters with an Islamic perspective in mind which would mean he will be able to advise regarding porn.

 

It may be that your son was not aware that porn is haram, so he may have watched it in ignorance. The imam would be able to address this with him indirectly without necessarily having to say they you had found out he had been watching it. If it is that the local masjid holds classes with the youth then you could suggest that it is a topic that is spoken about with the group. Or else, if this is not an option, then he could talk to him one to one. It can be quite an uncomfortable topic, but if it goes unaddressed then it can be even more dangerous and the issue of porn could become a more serious one that will cause major problems for him later.

 

Aside from asking the imam to talk to him about it from the Islamic perspective, it is quite likely that he is being educated on it to some extent at school.  Therefore, you might consider asking his school exactly what is being taught regarding puberty so you can have in mind what he is learning and what he is knowledgeable about. The imam would then be able to support this with the addition of the Islamic perspective.

 

Aside from these sources if information, you should also be prepared as a parent to answer any questions he may have. Having a loving a nurturing relationship will enable him to feel that he can turn to you for such questions. Again, this may be uncomfortable, but it will save him from turning to unreliable sources such as friends who may advise him wrongly. He may never have questions, but at least if he feels comfortable to ask you, he will turn to you first.

 

Additionally, you can support him by buying him books in the topic that he can explore in his own time. This will help to answer any questions he may have indirectly as well as letting him know that you are there to support him also.

 

May Allah reward your concern to raise your son on the straight path and may He guide you both in this journey.

 


As salamu-aleikum to all sisters and brothers,

I am an 18-year old girl. I have a long distance relationship with a boy, he is 19-year old. We both are from the same country, but we don't live in the same country. We are ”together” now almost 2 years and we are planning for marriage, he is a really good Muslim. I can't find a bad thing from him about Islam and good things. But there is a problem, we want to get married but my family is a problem.

My family says always the guy who I will marry someday should be rich and so good educated. They said the guy has to give me to much golds and those things when its proposing time.

So me and this boy, he is not rich, but we can both live together and make good money. And we love really each other. So what should I do when my parents say ”no” to this boy, who is coming for me? If they never say yes for this boy, can I leave my family? Or what? Please, I need help!! :( Thank u so much!



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is very unfortunate when a couple desire to marry but don’t have the support of the family. It can cause great distress to the couple as you are experiencing leaving them feeling that they should either abandon the option to get married altogether, or whether they should go ahead without the family backing despite the further issues that this may cause.

 

However, in this case there also the added issue of the type of relationship you are having with this boy, that is, having contact with a boy outside of marriage.

 

Alhamdulilah, you want to do the right thing and get married to him so he becomes halal to you and such contact becomes acceptable, but for now, until then, for the sake of Allah refrain from contact. This might sound harsh, but you know yourself that being with him, even from afar, has lead to the development of intimate feelings for each other. This kind of feelings can easily lead to haram. So for your own protection from sin, it is highly advisable to avoid contact for now.

 

In the meantime you can work on approaching it in the correct way. Ideally, that will involve getting your family on board. If they become agreeable to the marriage then they will be able to support you both in the process of getting married and then beyond into married life. Whilst you could get married without them, this may lead to difficulties in the relationship in the future as well as severed ties with family.

 

The best place to begin is with honest discussion with them on the topic. They need to know that selecting a spouse should not only be about wealth and worldly matters. These things do not equate to a happy and successful marriage, nor the pleasure of Allah.

 

At the same time, you also need to try and see things from their perspective that they only want whats best for you and want to see you marry a spouse that will make you happy. Whilst they may have the wrong idea on what that means to you and what is most important, their intentions are to see you comfortable and happy. If they knew that you can see their good intentions and that you appreciate that, then they will be more likely to hear and respond to you when you tell them that you are not looking for wealth.

 

Perhaps you can agree to some compromise that they will at least agree to meet him and his family. Of he truly is a good person and his personality shines through then perhaps their heart will change towards the matter of wealth in favour of a good personality.

 

It is advisable that you at lead try to approach the issue in the most appropriate way that could have more favourable results first before considering more drastic actions such as leaving home to be with him first. Making such a big and dramatic decision without considering such alternatives could have devastating effects all around.

 

During this time, also take time to ask Allah’s forgiveness for any kind of unacceptable contact you have had with this boy and ask Allah to guide you to what is best. With strong faith and conviction in Allah’s plan, you will be more likely to do what is best for you for your own sake as well as His.

 

MayAllah guide you to what is right and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

 

 

 


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