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Counselor Aisha Swan On Parents & Teens

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

The answers will be published very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

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Monday, Apr. 30, 2018 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu alaikum, I hope you can give me guidance. My relationship with my parents is not so good-I am just going to get straight to the point.My mother and I are always arguing and I hate it but its always happening. Sometimes its about pathetic things sometimes its about big things. I know about my father and the bad things he does and I am horrified and I get extremely upset by his alcohol addiction but my mother doesn't like it but cannot do anything about it as she has to tolerate it.

I feel like my parents don't know Islam anymore (eg my mum only reads namaaz and Quran when its Ramadan and my dad fasts but doesn't read namaz/Quran). For example, my parents go out late at night leaving me and my siblings at home and I hate it and the replies are “You don't want us to be happy” “You are selfish” “You are not my mother” “So what”but I am not trying to be like that at all.

I have got a big attitude and I do try to better myself by getting closer to Allah and start reading namaz but it is difficult to change when my parents cannot. It has got to the point where I argue with my mum all the time and my father is getting worse (personality and actions) and I cannot tolerate anymore. I genuinely think I am depressed. But I don't know what to do. For example, we went on holiday recently and before that my mum told me that she wouldn't leave us alone in the hotel but they did twice and I was so upset that they lied and we fought again.

I am not trying to stop them having time together it is just I hate staying at home (and especially a different country) by ourselves late at night and I try to tell them that but I am called a liar and I am only doing this because I don't want them to be happy.I do think I am much closer to my mum than my father but I think it is too late for my parents to change (my parents get angry when we try to tell them to read namaz) I get really sad sometimes and I seem to be happy at school rather than at home. I don't know what to do as I want to change but my parents do not want to.



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I’m sorry to hear about the situation at home with your mom and dad.  I can imagine how heartbreaking it is for you to see your parents falling away from Islam.  Naturally, you are really upset by this and your hurt as well as disappointed over the situation.  This causes arguments between you and your family as you are seeking to get closer to Allah.

You discussed your family constructs and how your father has an alcohol addiction, and your mother puts up with it because she cannot do anything about it anymore.  You also discussed your feelings of not wanting them to go out at night as you do not like being alone as well as your feelings of depression.  You feel it is too late for your parents to change.

 

Addiction and Losing Islamic Practices

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Being addicted to a substance or to an action such as gambling is a very hard thing to break. It is an illness. First of all the person has to be willing to acknowledge that they have a problem. At this point your father has not acknowledged that he has a problem with alcohol, therefore, your mother has probably given up because there is very little she can do except for pray for him.

 

I can imagine the pain you must feel seeing your father in this condition, and not being able to help him.  The truth is, only he can help himself sister, only your dad can decide when enough is enough and seek help.

 

While your parents are only practicing partially, at least they are practicing some.  Only Allah knows their hearts and only Allah can change their condition should they decide to change themselves.  There are people who totally stop practicing for years sister, only to find their way back to Islam again and as you know Allah is most merciful.

 

It is understandable that this is very hard on you as you’re trying to get closer to Allah.  You feel it is difficult as your parents are not trying to go in the direction that you are.  As a result, you end up arguing with your parents all the time especially your mom, and you feel sad stating you would rather be at school than at home. Sister, you cannot change your parent’s behaviors.  You can only encourage them in a loving and respectful way, as I’m sure you are doing.

 

People can change (as discussed above) and we may best be able to facilitate change in others by being an example. For instance, instead of constantly arguing with your mom and getting upset, try to ignore the things that are bothering you. I know it’s very hard to do and it hurts you, but again you cannot make them change.  It’s up to your parents.

 

Be the Change you Wish to See

 

I would kindly suggest that you continue on your path of getting closer to Allah. Read the Quran,  make dhkir,  make duaa,  keep your daily prayers and ask Allah to touch your parent’s hearts.   Be kind and helpful around the home.  Create your own element of peace and loving relationships despite the chaos that is going on.  The more you participate in positive actions, insha’Allah it will help others follow your example.  Insha’Allah, you can find an interest outside of the home as well.  Go to the Masjid to pray. Try to attend as many Islamic events as possible to increase your knowledge and get closer to Allah.

 

Focus on your education, your future goals, as well as spending quality time with friends who have the same Islamic perspectives for growth that you have. While I know the idea is to have a family that practices Islam and everybody is happy, the truth is -that is not always the case. It doesn’t mean it will never be the case with your family, it just means that this is how it is for right now.

 

Positive Reinforcement

Insha’Allah,  try focusing on the good points that your parents do have as it may help to decrease the tension in the household.  It may also increase your parent’s Islamic practice insha’Allah.

 

For instance, if your mom only reads the Quran when it’s Ramadan sit and read Quran with her and comment how happy you are to see her reading Quran.  Ask her questions pertaining to certain ayats.

 

If your dad fasts during Ramadan but doesn’t read the Quran, compliment him on his fasting and ask him for tips on how to make your fast easier for you. Often times when we focus on the good things that people do rather than the bad, especially when we can’t change it, the good behaviors may increase.

 

I know this makes you sad to see them this way and my heart goes out to you, but really sister you can only be responsible for yourself and you are accountable to Allah at this point.

 

As far as the issue of your parents going out at night, it’s understandable that you get scared, however by telling them not to go out, it is disrespectful.   It’s not your place my dear sister to tell them what to do.  Your parents are married adults.  You can express to them that you feel fear or you don’t want to be alone and perhaps they can get someone to stay with you, but you cannot control what they choose to do.

 

Sister, by restructuring your thinking and focusing on your growth in Islam, you will be setting an example your parents and pleasing Allah.   Insha’Allah they will slowly change and come back to Islam. Only Allah knows.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.


My child was born from my first husband, an atheist man that has put his hands on me in the past and is dangerous when off of his meds (bipolar). He has been admitted to psychiatric hospitals against his will when he was in a psychotic state and said he was going to kill me. For most of her beginning youth she witnessed him screaming and treating me as a slave, as much as I tried to protect her she knew. After I divorced him I always maintained visitations between him and her until recently when my daughter (11 yrs old) told me she does not want to interact with him anymore. She feels unsafe and neglected with him, she also feels uncomfortable praying in his home although she can't explain why.

She made the decision after her last visitation when he picked her up at 9 am on her birthday then went to sleep and left her to sit alone in the home for hours without food or anything to do besides youtube, she eventually text me on the phone hours later, a phone I got her specifically for if he had an episode. I rushed over to pick her up, she was in tears and wanted to leave, It was her final straw and she was done.

She told me the only reason she kept seeing him was because she thought he needed her to take care of him. They never connected, he has never been a fatherly figure to her. She remembers the past, she remembers some of the things he did to me and she remembers how he used to scream at her. He never put his hands on her (I suspected one time but I could be wrong and she was too young to be able to understand) he screamed at her a lot in the past and she told Grandma when she was young that he was like a scary panther when he got mad.

He used to be so terrifying I would lock her door and hold her in the corner whispering to her we had to be silent or he would come in because I knew he would start screaming again. I am not talking about raising voices, he screamed at us. He abandoned us one time with $20, a train ticket to my Mothers and he took off on a plane to our home which was in another country at the time (federal gov job). She has memories of his abuse and abandonment, often she was too young to fully understand or remember all of the details Alhamdulillah, but ultimately she knows a lot.

Is it sinful and wrong for her to cut ties with him? I know that we are not supposed to cut ties but in this situation, he has the potential for danger and she wants nothing to do with him. I have offered supervised visitation and she said no. I will add she does not have PTSD or any concerns like this. She is emotionally stable, happy, doing great in school, helpful to others, respectful, affectionate with family and an overall great kid. We don't need counseling, we moved on with our lives and left him and the negativity behind us. Alhamdulillah.

Notes:For full information, my daughter and I are reverts. The X is an atheist, he drinks alcohol, always had a pornography addiction, is unclean and unpredictable. He is docile as long as he stays on meds, if he stops taking them we have a major issue. I am remarried now to a good Muslim man and he loves her as his own and has shown her true Fatherly warmth and guidance.



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session, I’m sorry to hear about all the abuse that you and your daughter have gone through. It sounds like a very abusive marriage and alhumdulilah you left the marriage safely.  It took much courage on your part to leave and seek a divorce which given the abusive circumstances but you had all rights to do so.  I can imagine it was hard as a single mom, however, you did what was best as abuse should never be tolerated. It is deplorable.

 

You stated that your ex-husband is bipolar, dangerous, has threatened to kill you, has been admitted to psychiatric hospitals when he psychotic and used to scream at you and your daughter uncontrollably. This certainly was not a conducive environment for your child nor you. Alhumdulilah you are remarried to somebody who treats you and your daughter with kindness, love and respect and one who is stable.

 

Islamic & Legal Issues: Visitation

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Regarding your daughter cutting off visitation with her father, I will kindly suggest that you speak with a lawyer concerning this for legal reasons as well as your imam at your Masjid for spiritual guidance.  An imam or Islamic scholar can provide more help regarding the Islamic rulings on such an action given her age.  As she should not be subjected to an abusive household via visitation, it is a serious issue to be examined.

 

While we do not know if your x-husband is on his medication, if he has been stable, etc., if visitation with her father is harmful to her, it must be cut off.  The only way to determine this would be through a mediation or court proceeding wherein he gets to discuss the situation as well as provide proofs that he is stable.  You would bring your own proofs as well.

 

If visitation is cut off,  that is not saying that she is cutting off her father, she is just cutting off visitation until she feels safe, if she ever does. When your daughter gets older, if she chooses she can have a relationship with her father.  Perhaps he will be more stable in his later years.

 

In Islam as you know, it is Haram to cut off relationships with parents. This does not mean however that a child is to be in the presence of abusive parents. Children also have rights in Islam.  What it does mean is that when she gets older she should seek to help him if he needs it, whether it’s financial,  taking him to the doctors, ensuring he has food and being kind to him. One can distance oneself from an abusive and dangerous parent yet still be there to ensure they are taken care of.

 

Insha’Allah,  talk with your daughter.  Explain to her that he has a mental illness (at an age-appropriate level) and encourage her to have good thoughts of her father by remembering any good deeds he did do as well as any fun memories.  Talk to her about the attributes of kindness and mercy which are critical elements of being Muslim.

 

Protection of Daughter

 

While she does not feel safe now, insha’Allah she should not be forced to go to her father’s as it may do detrimental damage to her emotional well-being.  However, if visitation is stopped she should be taught that as he is her father, she should be kind to him when she ever she does see him and when she gets older she should look out for him. Again please consult with your lawyer in regards to the legalities of the situation so you may modify the court orders if any exist.

 

Please do insha’Allah consult with your imam at your Masjid or write to our section “Ask the Scholars” for a more Islamically precise answer regarding the cessation of visitation.  As children are to be protected and kept safe from abusive situations, it stands to reason that she should not have to visit him.

 

However, as I do not know all of the details, it would be best discussed with an Islamic scholar. As a psychologist, I can only recommend that you keep her safe in all regards-emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. She shouldn’t have to worry about and dead going to see her father out of fear. That is not a life for a child to be forced to deal with.

 

Seeking Resolution

 

I would kindly suggest dear sister that insha’Allah you speak to your lawyer, as well as with your imam.  As your x-husband is her father, he would also have an opportunity for his input on the situation so that both sides are heard.  It may be that he is stable and your daughter is re-living the trauma she went through (understandably so) or he is still abusive and dangerous and not engaged in psychiatric treatment.

 

I would kindly suggest that you and your x-husband sit with a mediation specialist to determine what is the situation exactly.  He should be required by the courts or mediator to bring proofs as to his stability.  While you stated that you and your daughter do not need counseling, that you both have “moved on” with your lives, that may be true.  It may also be that you both are still suffering from the trauma and are not aware of it (hence her fear of him).

 

As she is only 11 years old, she is probably carrying much of that trauma with her still unless it has already been addressed.  Insha’Allah sister, while I respect your position on counseling, I do have to suggest based on what you wrote that you do consider counseling for both you and your daughter due to her continued fears as well as your intense recounting of the abuse.

 

Even if visitation stops, your daughter is not likely to “just forget” all she has witnessed in her 11 short years.  She is still a child and it may still be affecting her in ways that are unknown.

 

We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.


My parents have the habit the make bad du’a when they are unhappy with me. I try my best to please them but as soon as a very insignificant thing is not done the way they want it to be done, they utter (especially my mom) word like « May you never succeed! » or « May you be given blindness » or things like that.

I tried so many times telling them and begging them not to say such bad du’a since supplication from parents is more likely to be accepted. I made them watch video, read Hadith... but my mom says it’s her right as a parent, and that she can’t help it, and if I don’t want her to say bad things all I need is not to make her angry. She also says that those are not real du’a, it’s just something said while angry so they won’t be answered anyway.

I feel like I can’t succeed in anything in life, I try my best not to make them angry but the problem is my parents are very hard to please. No matter how good I am they expect more from me. And at the first sign of a ridiculously small mistake (ie. Picking the wrong spoon to stir the food!), I can assure you they will formulate a bad du’a against me.

I feel stuck! What should a do? Is true that du’a against me can be accepted even if I don’t deserve it?



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through.  I can imagine you feel very hurt, sad, betrayed and confused over your parent’s treatment of you. As parents, we want the best for our children.

 

However, often times a parent will go about things in the wrong way hoping to get positive results by saying negative things. This never works and is often done because it is a learned behavior, meaning it may be how their parents treated them when they were growing up.

 

Putting down our children, insulting them, wishing bad upon them only creates hurt feelings, low self-esteem and feelings of being unloved and unworthy. While this is not the intention of the parent, it is often the psychological outcome of verbal and emotional abuse.

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Emotional Abuse

 

In regards to your parents (especially your mom), making bad duaa for you such as “may you never succeed, may you be given blindness” and things like that, it is haram to wish these things upon anyone especially one’s child. As you know Allah does not accept these kinds of duaa’s, in fact, your parents may be held accountable to Allah for these harsh and haram words.

 

You stated that you feel like you can’t succeed in anything in life and you try your best not to make them angry but they are very hard to please. You also stated that no matter how good you are they expect more from you and when you make a small mistake they make a bad duaa against you.  This behavior from your parents is unacceptable and abusive.

 

I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that when they start to say negative things-you leave the room/area. Make duaa to Allah for comfort as well as ask Allah to wake up your parent’s hearts as to the damage they are doing.

 

Regarding your own self-esteem, feelings of worth, as well as your abilities in this life, please know that you are a good person, a good Muslim, and a valuable, worthy human being,   It is understandable why you feel like you can’t succeed in anything and I can understand that your self-esteem is probably very low given how your parents treat you.

 

However please do strive to overcome these feelings of inadequacy as they are byproducts of verbal and emotional abuse.  I kindly suggest that insha’Allah you take the time every day to write down your good qualities and reflect upon them.  Look at the good in you that Allah has blessed you with as well as the continuing good you will attain.  When you hear negative words from your parents (mom) visualize a shield deflecting the negative words away from you and seek refuge in Allah.

 

I suggest this not because the duaa’s will be answered (because they will not be), but because it is a method to train your mind not to accept the negative/bad things said about you. Fill your mind with positive, upbuilding images of yourself as well as visualize good words such as “I am kind, I am loving, I am smart, I am capable”.

 

Insha’Allah if you remind your self daily of the good person you are it will negate some of the hurtful effects of your parent’s words.

 

Claiming your True Self

 

Insha’Allah, try to surround yourself with others who are up lifting and positive. Go to Islamic events and festivities, attend educational classes at the Masjid and strive to make good friends who will value you and whom you will enjoy socializing with.  Often times when parents are emotional/verbally abusive we need support to get a realistic picture of who we truly are.

 

Solid, loving friends (and family) can provide that support. This is a sad situation. However, it is not a reflection of who you are but rather a reflection of who your parents are. Somewhere in time, they may have been treated in this same manner and thus treat you as they were treated.

 

You do not have to accept this, you can rise above these negative influences and walk in your own blessings and goodness.  In reality, what you are going through is because of your parent’s (mom’s) own personal issues.  It has nothing to do with you.

 

It will take some effort, but I am confident that insha’Allah you will be able to overcome these negative, abusive words and love yourself for the wonderful person you are and will continue to be.

 

We wish you the best.  You are in our prayers.

 


Ramadan is nearly upon us In sha Allah, How do I get my children involved in it?



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  Yes, Ramadan is nearly here.  This most wondrous month of Ramadan is a perfect time to show our children the many benefits of being Muslim as Ramadan encompasses so much.

 

Getting Ready

 

I do not know their ages but please do tailor the suggestions for their appropriate age group.  While in many countries there are many holidays such as Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah and so forth, Ramadan is a time for serious spiritual contemplation, sacrifice as well as festivities.

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Some families do decorate their homes during Ramadan.  If you chose to do so, you can have the children help you decorate in preparation.  Often times gifts are given during Ramadan (and always at Eid).  Take the children shopping and help them pick out little gifts for family members, friends and others.  Make it an exciting event with wrapping paper, pretty bows and glittery decorations.

 

These festive aspects of Ramadan help children initially identify Ramadan with their religion in a fun way.  Take them shopping for clothes for Ramadan and let them choose what they would like to wear.  Perhaps they would like a new prayer rug just for Ramadan.  The goal is to get them interested in all aspects of Ramadan as possible, giving them choices along the way so they can truly feel a part of Ramadan and it’s meaning.

 

Educational

 

Educate your children on the meaning and goals of Ramadan, and how Ramadan is a gift from Allah.  Buy books, audio’s and video’s about Ramadan and watch them together, answering any questions they may have as well as pointing out important points you may feel they need to learn more about.

 

Try to include stories about the Prophet (PBUH) as well as how Ramadan is a time for purification and sacrifice. Make reading the Qur’an a family event by letting the children take turns reading.  Attend the Masjid for special Ramadan events so the children will learn, as well as feel part of a community.   Insha’Allah they will make lifelong friends as the month progresses.

 

Engagement

 

Engage the children in the preparation of iftar and suhoor.  Have them help pick out and prepare the foods that they like which are healthy and will be sustainable throughout the day and night.  Explain the importance that fasting and good nutrition has on the body , mind and spirit.

 

Make it a family practice to get dressed up for iftar’s and go to the Masjid to break fast. Family and friend iftar’s also encourage children to fast as they know they will have something fun to look forward to when the sun sets.  Community times are important, but especially at Ramadan wherein children can share their experiences with each other about fasting, cooking, praying as well as other Ramadan related activities.

 

Make prayer a family or community event if possible.  By praying together, children feel the unity and love for Allah with others.   Insha’Allah, they will feel the seriousness of prayer and seek to perfect their worship of Allah swt.

 

Have the children participate in acts of charity such as feeding the homeless, volunteering with refugee’s in need, assisting the elderly with needs and so on.  Charity is an important component of Islam and Ramadan offers the extra opportunity to further teach children about giving, and about those who are less fortunate.

 

Helpful Tips

 

Provide tips for your child about what to do if they feel hungry, fatigued or irritable while fasting.  These tips will help sustain them through the day insha’Allah.  Remind them of the blessings and beauty of sacrifice as well as a reminder to seek to please Allah swt.  Provide encouragement throughout the day and commend them often on their fasting ability, reminding them that they are pleasing Allah.  Give them little gifts during Ramadan to celebrate their successes.

 

While they are many ways to get children involved in Ramadan, the best way is to ensure they know what Ramadan means, what a precious gift it is and to get them involved in all aspects.  If children have an understanding and feel they are an important part of Ramadan, they will insha’Allah look forward to participating.

 

Ramadan Mubarak!