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Counseling for Parents with Sister Hannah Morries

Hannah Morris
22 July, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Tuesday, Jul. 24, 2018 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu `alaykum,

May Allah reward you for all your efforts.

I will express myself very briefly in order not to make you bored. Since I was small, I have developed a very bad habit of carelessness. This is for various reasons including internal family problems. I am now 30 years old, married with one child and another on the way. I still do not take life seriously as one should when a Muslim. I try hard to be patient and take care of my duties as I should, but I sometimes fail, for instance, I can sit and watch T.V. all day long. I am the world’s laziest person! I have lost myself, along with lots of friends and I am afraid of losing my husband and the hereafter.

My question is: How can I become more mature and take life more seriously. I am afraid I will also teach my son these bad habits. Even my husband’s own activities have decreased. I don’t know if this is enough for you to help me, but in sha’ Allah I have had enough of myself and want to change.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is quite clear how much your own behaviour is troubling you, but you have done the best thing in stepping up and taking responsibility by asking for help in overcoming this. You are right that sometimes this can have an effect on friendships and family relationships so you are right to try and do something about it to improve relations.

 

The first thing I would suggest is going to see a doctor just to check if there is any underlying medical condition that may be causing this. There are many conditions that can cause fatigue which makes people unable to do too much and come across seemingly lazy.

 

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If this is ruled out, then I would suggest beginning with dealing with physical aspects such as making sure to follow a good diet and get sufficient exercise. Often, following a diet that is high in fat and sugar can lead to feeling fatigued and sluggish and again coming across as seemingly lazy. Following a nutritious diet can often be the key to boost energy and motivation. Likewise with exercise, if you don’t get up and move around this can have negative effects on the body also. If you’re feeling a bit lazy then this then motivating yourself might be difficult. I would suggest beginning small. Just going for a 10-minute walk to begin with and gradually increasing day by day as you get more motivated.

 

From a more psychological perspective, you can help yourself by making commitments both to yourself and others. Sign up to an activity or hobby you enjoy that you can do in a group, such as some kind of exercise. This way, you have to hold yourself accountable to the people in attending the exercise. If you don’t turn up you then face the property of letting others down and the embarrassment that may cause. They will also be able to motivate you to so better and attend each time. This can serve as a motivation to attend every time. You will also make friends this way too, which can be another secondary means to increase motivation as your wellbeing generally improves. This will also keep you busy in activities that keep you busy and away from watching TV all day.

 

You can then support yourself in this by setting goals for yourself. For example, you may set a goal to walk/run x amount of miles in x amount of time. Recording this daily will motivate you to keep working at achieving better and better each time. Similarly, if you chose to study then setting a target that you will study certain materials each day can serve as motivation. Record these things somewhere that you will see every day to keep you continually motivated as you visually see these things regularly throughout the day.

 

Finally there a number of authentic duas that the Prophet (SAW) himself taught us to say to protect us from he’s very things and laziness specifically so be sure to incorporate these into your daily practise.

 

May Allah guide you and protect you from laziness. May He make it easy for you to break out of this.

 

Duas for laziness

Salaam, My eldest daughter is 32 years old still living with us at home as she is not married and now her attitude I fear is going to break up the family. We started to look for someone suitable when she was still at university. 12 years later she is still not married. She has not taken this matter seriously until just a few years ago. I’ve looked on hundreds of profiles on websites for her, Suggested marriage agency, friends etc nothing has worked. There have been some very nice people but she doesn’t even want to meet them because they don’t ‘look’ nice to her.

We argued/talked about this subject for so long everyone is sick of it. It was important for us that our girls settle down within a reasonable time and start their own life. This hasn’t happened. She has also been working since about 18 years of age and despite having a uni degree doesn’t have any particular career or qualification. She had a good job until a year ago then decide to leave and try to do her own thing which hasn’t worked out and therefore is unemployed with no money because she loves to spend. This is another matter we argue about- her inability to save. As has been her way she always sleeps till mid-day has breakfast and often will make plans get ready and go out in the evening with friends. She takes very little responsibility in the home and if she does cook if she has to (about once a week) she expects us to be very thankful and probably give her a medal. I work full time and am on call nights and weekends but it is still expected that I will cook - which I do.

Now we have got to the stage that we dare not talk to her about any of these topics as she has become very disrespectful, rude and always breaks into tears. Everything is our fault, we’re told other parents don’t give their children a hard time over marriage, or going out, we’re so negative etc. Her father doesn’t like her going out in the evening but she still goes and often she will come back late - sometimes 2 or 3am. This makes him angry so he doesn’t speak to her.

We’ve reached a stage where she says she can’t live us and wants to move out. We’re very hurt by this - I’ve cried for days - all we want is for her to have a successful and happy life. What are we doing wrong? She has become antagonistic and a disruptive force in our house. She neither respects her parents or her younger sibling who is a very caring and sensitive person and gets badly affected by all this carry-on. We worry about her also - how it affects her. Despite all this they want us to be happy all the time and create a good environment- we’re not allowed to show anger, disappointment or get upset. In effect - to care less. We are trying but it is not easy. Please advise.Thank you for your time. May Allah swt reward you for your efforts



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh and ameen to your duas,

 

We often have parents writing in who have problems with their children from young ages, and even up until teenage years. It’s more unusual to hear of such difficulties at an older age, although not unheard of so you’re not totally alone.

 

It seems that right now whatever you do and however you try to help her she just Disrespect you back. This is understandably causing you a lot of distress. Perhaps it’s time to try and manage the situation a different way if you feel that nothing is working right now.

 

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When you have prolonged troubles with someone the best way to begin is to try and see things from their perspective to try and identify why they are behaving the way they are towards you. This will help you to develop a sense of empathy for them and place you in a position to manage her behavior in a way that you feel she may be more responsive to as you are able to see things from her point of view. So, for example, her behavior seems quite controlling, which comes across as disrespectful.

 

Living with you, her parents, perhaps she is feeling like she has little control because she must live by your rules. So she should, because it is your house and she should respect that. But, as a fully grown woman perhaps she feels uncomfortable not being able to live by her own rules so to gain back the control she feels she doesn’t she is seemingly being disobedient and disrespectful. Her behavior is disrespectful, but at least if you can understand the potential reasons why like this then it is easier to approach her in a way that may be more helpful for everyone. So, if this is the reason behind her behavior perhaps a bit of negotiation between you would be a useful way to allow her to have her voice heard so that she feels her place in the house is respected as well as getting a chance to have her say as well as you yours.

 

For example, regarding her laziness around the house, perhaps give her the chance to go out and pick what she wants to eat and be the one to cook and prepare it for the family. This way, she gets the choice of what is to be eaten, and you get to see your daughter more involved in the household chores. If she is given this choice and independence then maybe she is more likely to step up and help out.

 

It may be the same scenario regarding marriage. Perhaps she feels she has little control over who she is to marry and this is why she is disregarding your choices without even meeting them. Maybe this is her indirect way of exhibiting control in this situation. So, again, maybe handing her back some control and having her get more involved from the start might help.

 

These are more gentler ways to try and manage her behavior by understanding her perspective. In sha Allah, this will help to evoke some changes. However, if they don’t work, you could try the absolute opposite approach and be a lot more harsh. Obviously, this comes with a lot more risk, so take this approach with caution. But, if it’s getting to the point where the family is on the verge of breaking down then maybe she needs this wake up call. You are her parents and she should respect you as long as you are not being abusive or pushing her away from Islam.

 

So, for example, you don’t have to cook for her, instead, you can leave everything for her to cook for herself. Or, you could even go far as to take a nice holiday with your husband for 2 purposes. Firstly to get a break and have some time to relax by yourselves and then go back feeling refreshed and better able to manage the situation, and it gives her the time to herself to also reflect on her own behavior as well as be in a position where she is forced to take care of herself. It might be the boost she needs to realize the extent of her behavior as you will no longer be there for the short time to support her.

 

May Allah make it easy for you and guide her on the straight path. May He bring happiness and contentment in your family.

My son is using weed every day initially he was lying but he says that's what everyone at university take. I and my husband explained to him and spoke to him about the consequence. He believes it’s not harmful would continue smoking. As he is not accepting its bad we don't know what to do to get rid of this bad addiction?. And he’s not praying any Salah or reading Quran.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Children bring different concerns for their parents at different stages in their lives; as toddlers, we worry about them falling and hurting themselves, but we can always be there to help them out. But, as they enter teenage years, they come into contact with others. Others who can potentially lead them astray and cause them to do harmful things such as turn to drugs as your son has. By this age, parents have less of an influence and it can be more difficult to help and guide them. However, there are some things you can try to help your son.

 

Unfortunately, your son is also not praying any salad or reading Qur’an so it would seem he is not so close to Allah right now so he does not feel the fear of Him as he smokes a substances deemed haram. If he felt this fear then it would be a lot easier to abstain. Therefore, an indirect route you can take to helping him to stop is to encourage him in his Deen. The other useful thing about this approach is that it doesn’t involve you directly telling him to stop smoking.

 

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Being on his case to stop smoking may even make him more resistant to stop. Encouraging him to pray and read can be a way to allow him to see for himself that what he is doing is not acceptable and empower himself to make that choice himself without feeling forced to. The other benefit of this is that if he has made the choice himself, he is less likely to go back to it again in the future, where he may if he felt he stopped because he was forced to be someone else.

 

There are a few ways you can gently encourage him in his Deen. Being good role models for him is the best start. Let him see you and his dad praying and reading the Qur’an your selves. Let him see the contentment it brings you. You may then encourage him to join you, especially in the prayer as this is an obligation upon him. Whilst it is necessary to be harsh in ensuring he does pray as he now becomes accountable for maintaining these obligations, you might begin with a more casual approach to inviting him without shouting or being harsh in such a way that he will have a negative association with prayer.

 

Instead, you can enforce it with your words by using a gentle tone of voice but using words that imply he must join you. So rather than asking if he’d like to join you which gives him the option to decline, tell him to go and prepare for prayer which verbally gives the impression that he must join you and there is no option not to. Likewise, if he missed a prayer as he was out or at school when he returns home to remind him to go and prayer his missed prayers.

 

This may be a bit of a challenge at first, but this is for his own good, both to increase his levels of eman generally which is good for him, but also as a means to draw him closer to Allah that he will stop doing things displeasing to Allah. Once he gets back into Salah again, then you could gently encourage him with the other things such as reading the Quran.

 

Another useful tactic you can use is to ensure he is in good company, a company of other boys his age who you know are not involved in acts such as smoking. This may seem quite difficult on the surface as you can’t directly tell him to abandon his friends and make new ones. What you can do however is take the less direct approach. If you have friends with boys the same age you can be inviting them round so that he is placed in a situation where he is spending time with them.

 

In time they may become friends and they can have a positive influence on him. Perhaps you might organize days out together with these other families son that they can be together in an environment where it might be easier to forge a good friendship, especially if the outing involves something that boys of his age typically enjoy engaging in. As he enjoys these new good friendships in sha Allah he will have less time for the boys who are a negative influence on him.

 

This last point may be particularly useful as it will give him the space to get the same kind of positive feelings that he gets from smoking. The feeling that keeps him going back to the smoking. If he can find healthier and more halal way to evoke these feelings that he is presently getting from smoking then it will be easier for him to stop, again without being forced as well as being able to make the choice for himself which will make him feel more empowered and more likely to maintain the change.

 

May Allah guide your son and support you in being there to guide him on the straight path.

I’m 23 years old. My dad claims to be very religious during the first 11 years of my life. My dad was so aggressive with my mom, seaming and throwing stuff at her and threading to kill her which gave me a lot of sleepless nights worrying if he killed her when I’m asleep. I used to have bad tremors and I didn’t want to go to school to stay with her. When I was 12 they decided to get a divorce and my dad wanted to hurt my mom, so he decided to cut off all connection between us (my brother 8 years older than me) and my mom and we never saw her or spoke to her for 15 years now.

Back at the time, he and my aunts convinced and brainwashed me that my mom hated me and she was jealous of me. They made me hate her till I was 20 but since I was 16 or so I had a bit of guilt towards her but I was scared my dad would know that I wanted to talk to her and he wouldn’t pay for my education and kick me out ( because he said he would). When I was 20 I reached out for her and she promised she wouldn’t tell him I call her in secrecy and now I’m 23 and I still see/call MY MOM behind his back. She is so depressed after he took us away and I feel bad for what she had to go through. He gave me good money for good education throughout the years to be honest, but he was aggressive screaming and me throwing things on me and threading to kill me as well and he had his psychotic episodes to terrify me.

Now I moved to live in the Dorms and I’m so happy I don’t get to see him he still pays for my education. He still doesn’t know I talk to my mom. He remarried 3 times and was equally abusive to these women who I felt bad for. He lives in a very bad place and I’m so ashamed of it, he doesn’t work he talks in a vulgar way and he is very outdated. I don’t get to see him because I make up excuses even though I call him once per day and I’m nice to him.

I want to get engaged to a guy that my mom knows and approves off but I’m ashamed of him and my brother (who doesn’t talk to my mom) and I don’t want to see them I forgive them I wish them all well and I’m nice over the phone with them but I don’t want to see them I wish them all health and wealth and happiness just away from me. Is that haram? I don’t want them around I have bad memories with them they hurt my mom and me growing up and terrorized me. I don’t hate my dad I just don’t like him. I don’t want to see him, he ruined my family and ruined his image. When I was young my friends and teachers used to make fun of the way he talked and acted which was unstable. Is it haram to be nice to him but from distance and not get my paths to cross with him again?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

You’ve had difficulty within the family from such a young age, that continues today only perhaps in a slightly different way. Alhamdulilah, you are old enough now to be in a position to be apart from that physically, but the emotional difficulties still exist.

 

The unfortunate thing in your case is that you are the one who is suffering the consequences of feeling bad for both your mum and dad, yet the source of the problem was not started by you. You should not feel guilty about anything, although it is understandable that it might feel like having contact with one parent or the other makes you feel concerned that your upsetting the other, as well as generally feeling sad for what they are both going through.

 

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Of course, Islamically, we are ordered to maintain family ties and there are reasons behind this importance. As an adult now, this does n necessarily mean you have to see and talk to all family members every day, but you can still keep contact on a less intensive level. Now we have mobile phones t a quick phone call is enough to uphold ties without having to even see each other.

 

Family difficulties that you have encountered can take a long time to overcome. Maybe in some time as you grow older and settle down you will feel more inclined to see your father more often, especially as he gets older. Whilst you get yourself together and overcome past difficulties you could just maintain the ties in this more casual way.

 

If it’s possible that you could get in contact with someone from the local mosque who may be willing to spend time with your dad more casually to be a positive influence on him this could be helpful. Social support can be a good way to help overcome the clear anger issues that your father has battled with for such a long time.

 

If he has a friend who could be a good influence on him and inspire him to act on the Deen instead of becoming angry, this could be a healthy first step in him overcoming his anger, especially since it has been going on a while and may take time to break free from. This may encourage him then Tonge out more and be in the company of good people who will encourage him to behave more appropriately.

 

Alhamdulilah, you have found someone that you want to marry so you have the chance now tons tart your own family life. You have been through so much turmoil through childhood up until now, but you can try and use this experience positively to ensure that your own family that you will nurture does not go through the same. You know how it felt first hand to be in that scenario so you can do all you can to strive to nurture more calm and loving household.

You have been through a lot of trauma from such a young age and the trouble still continues to some extent today. I would highly recommend seeking some counseling for this. Even if it is just to give you a space to talk through everything that you have been through for such a long time.

 

This will also make it easier for you to decide how to deal with your family members as you come to terms with and learn how to manage and express your emotions relating to the situation. As you prepare to start a new life it will be useful to ensure that you have dealt with these issues to make sure that any emotions you are now feeling will not interfere with your ability to live a happy life from here on.

 

You’ve spent so much of your life worrying about others, so now it’s time to think about yourself. Do things you enjoy and take care of yourself. Worrying about others may have prevented you from doing these things, but now it’s time to think of yourself too. Taking care of yourself, having hobbies, being with people will all contribute towards a healthy recovery and positive future.

 

May Allah bring ease in your family and soften all of your hearts for one another that there will be no ill feelings and family ties can be built once more.