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Counseling Session on Pre-Marital Issues

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Saturday, Dec. 22, 2018 | 12:00 - 13:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Hello there. I want to marry a girl and we are both Muslims Alhamdulillah. I love her and she loves me too and we are planning the marriage next year InsallAllah. But the main question is her father is well known for his goodness in the society, but her mother is known in the society as a liar and sometimes accuse people of crimes which they didn't commit.

My parents warned me about it that if I go ahead with the marriage if anything happens is my fault. The girl I want to marry has also a good attitude and we talk almost every day, but her mother is the problem. I am getting a little bit confused and I need help.

What is exactly should I do now, going for the marriage or to let go of the marriage?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It is always difficult when a man and woman desire to get married yet difficulties between the family make the choice to marry a very difficult one. The first and best thing to do in this scenario is to make istikhara to ask Allah to guide you to make the best decision about what to do in this scenario. If this marriage is good for you then He will make it happen and if it is not then He will place obstacles in the way.

 

You could buy a bit more time whilst trying to make the decision by arranging further meetings between the families to get to know each other further, especially the mother who you are not sure of. This will allow you to make the decision yourself over whether she could be a problem to your marriage yourself, rather than potentially canceling a marriage based on a fact that you are not sure if you have only been informed by others. After all, this may just be a baseless assumption. If you cancel this marriage based on this and then find out it’s not true you will be losing out on a good opportunity. If you make the decision yourself then you can know that it is based on what you have seen yourself, not what others have told you.

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This extra time will give you the space to consider your options more thoroughly. Think about the options that you have, namely to proceed with the marriage or not, and what the strengths and weaknesses of each decision are. It is even best to write this down so that you can visually see the consequences of each choice. Use this to analyze the most favorable response and outcome for you and her and your families.

 

If you do end up choosing to go ahead with it, the most essential thing is for you and her to build a strong relationship between the 2 of your son that if Allah forbids, your mother’s assumptions are correct and things get difficult your strong relationship will see you through successfully. You could also continue to support the 2 families on strengthening family relations overall by possibly hosting the 2 sides of the family in gatherings so that they can continue to get to know each other also.

 

If you chose to walk away, then don’t waste time looking for another spouse, otherwise, you may find yourself having regrets and continually thinking about what would have happened if you went through with it after all which will only make moving on more difficult.

 

May Allah make the choice each for you and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.


I am 14 years old. My life getting harder.

I am failing constantly in school. I try to get better in my favorite activities, but I never do. I always try to have close friends, but there is no one to talk to. I always try to change myself for the better, but I’m stuck with the old me.

I always make a day for Allah to please make things better and less hardship, but it just gets worse.

Is Allah testing me? Is Allah guiding me to his plan for me? Or it’s my fault altogether?

How will I ever solve my problems?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Most people at some point in their life will feel like this; that their life is terrible and they have nothing good in their life or nothing to look forward to. This is very common for everyone to experience at some point.

 

It may genuinely feel like things aren’t good, or even worse than they are only deteriorating, and there may be times when it is like that, but there are also times when they are not but we just don’t see it.

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Of course, when times are bad, this could very well be a test, but it could also just be your misconceptions. Either way, we can take positives from the experience as tricky as that may seem.

 

Beginning with the best outcome, take some time to really reflect on the good things in your life. You may feel like there is nothing, but if you take the time to think of the small things that we often take for granted, you see how easy it is to lose focus of these blessings. Something as simple as having your health, having your eyesight, having food to eat or a roof over your head. Sure, maybe it’s not the food you want to eat, or the house isn’t as big as you like or you get sick every now and again, but on the most part there are many other hundreds and thousands of people who don’t he of what you have. Take a moment each night to note down 3 things that you are grateful for in that day; things that have made you smile,  people who have made you smile,  or just something like gratitude for your senses or health for example. This will help you to see things from a more positive perspective. You can keep this in a journal to look back on as well as see how things have improved in your life over time; things that you otherwise may not notice.

 

You can also take time to go through each individual difficulty you have faced in the past and analyses them in depth. Often when something terrible happens we can only see the bad in it, but we look at things properly you will often see that much good came out of the difficulty, for example, that it saved you from a fate much worse, or it guided you to something better, either materially, or by strengthening your eman or even improving your character. Once you can see how things that have seemed bad in the past have turned out to bring some good into your life it can make it easier to feel differently towards your current situation in the knowledge and trust that something positive can come out of something seemingly terrible.

 

In the case that your struggles really are being sent as a test then also try to see this a positive. From an Islamic perspective, we know that with trial comes ease, so it will end, that patients in a trial will be rewarded by Allah, and for every teat, you endure, your sins will be expiated. Even look to the beat of people before and how they were tested immensely. If Allah didn’t teat people with a good reason, would he have tested the beat of people?

 

May Allah ease your difficulties and bring you the best in this life and the next.


Assalamoaliekum,So I had met this guy online and we had discussed marriage and talked online for about a year. He was someone I trusted, helped me with my anxiety and stress, was calm, quite religious, and was very into education, loved children and learning, etc.

He has all the qualities I would want in a husband and brought me closer to Allah SWT as well-I did not wear a hijab when we met and was not connected to Allah but began praying and slowly making a habit of wearing the hijab in public.

Anyway, I realized it was haram about a few weeks ago and we decided not to talk until 3-4 more years to make sure our marriage is blessed and spend these years becoming better Muslims and better Muslims as I finish school and he focuses on career. We did not commit Zina but we did do some things online that we both agreed were disgusting and immoral and we should not have done them. We agreed that we need completely pure intentions for marriage and need to repent.

He said that he will remain loyal to me and will not seek out others and wants to focus on himself as well. We are not contacting each other at all until then. Is this permissible? I want to marry him and I want us to have pure intentions and be forgiven and blessed by Allah SWT.

I truly believe he is a great character and he is always reading articles and watching lectures relating to Islam and it is how much I love Allah and how deeply I care for him that I want our marriage to be blessed and halal.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It certainly does sound like you have found your ideal life partner, but yet you also realize that your actions with him are not permissible and have done everything you can to make matters as core tabs you can regarding cutting contact and having pure intentions.

 

Regarding the fiqhi matters, you should seek some advice from someone of knowledge to find out if your plans are Islamically acceptable, but there are also some other matters you should keep in mind. For now, until you marry, neither of you are obliged to stay committed to your agreement. He is free to marry someone else, as are you.  You both have needs that can be fulfilled in marriage and cannot otherwise. You may find waiting for a period of time you will face temptations and the only way to overcome this is to get married. Essentially, you need to be prepared that things may not go to your plan. Of it is this man you wish to be with and you dot want him to.marry another or for you to be tempted,  and someone of knowledge advises you that it is permissible for you to marry him,  then you do not have to wait and should move forward with it to avoid complications that will come of waiting.

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It is always advisable in these situations to pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to what is best for you and most pleasing to Him. However, you must be aware that having had contact with this man already you have already established feelings towards him which will cloud your judgments more favorably. Therefore, it would also be wise to seek the advice of a loved one who will be able to advise you from a neutral standpoint.

 

If it turns out that you would like to take matters further, then ensure to do it in a good way from the start. Meet with him and his family with you and yours so that you can get to know him properly in an acceptable way as well has had the input of your families also. You can do this by asking someone in your family to contact him or someone on his so that you do not need to talk with him directly.

 

Aside from this, keep Allah close and He will surely guide you in the right direction and turn your heart away from this man if he is not right for you. Being close to Allah will bring you contentment in whatever the final outcome is. It is also important to continue to repent to Allah for the sins you committed with this man and Allah loves to give. This will be a way to purify your heart from what had happened. Part of this repentance includes abstaining from committing the same sins again by cutting contact with this man, which alhamdulillah, is what you have been doing already.

 

May Allah guide you on the straight path and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the comfort of your eyes in this life and the next.


Assalamu allaikum. I have come across with a biggest betrayal, which i couldn't tolerate after truth revealed. I loved a guy sincerely during my college days. It had been past 3years. He was a friend of my class mate, whom I believed blindly and trusted for all. But later on the guy whom i loved left for no reason. After he left I was like sick person, cried throughout the day and isolated from all the activities.

Then my close friends started to help me and told will out what actually taken places. When my friend text the guy whom i loved and asked why he did such a bad thing and gave hope much, he just replied doesn’t know me at all. Then ma friend asked about my class mate near him. He told that specific person he knew but he never knew me. Then gradually i came across to realize some truth which i haven't taken seriously because of friendship. The class mate whom i trusted and engaged so closely as a best friend have betrayed me. He the one who acted as his friend via a telephone conversations and messages during the period i loved his friend.

Since i loved his friend he never let me to meet alone or speak directly. Its all through phone call and messages our love continues. During the relationship with my lover, my best friend proposed me and told a lot what he have identified on me on the day 1 till the college period. Then i just rejected because according me if a person being as a best friend until death i will see him as it is. I can’t accept him as my lover or future. So he just told that’s ok and behaved as helping us in my love and acted as a sincere friend that no one could ever get it. He too has physically touched me by saying as my lover told him to do such things and challenged him that he can’t touch me. I felt bad because will any lover leave his gf to touch by some. I couldn’t go from that place during his physical violation because my friend used to blackmail me that he ll die/cut his hands or else shout loudly from the college verandah.

My friend is a drug addicted too. As a friend i tried to stop his bad behavior and try to explain him about the reality but he used to promise on me and do the same activities so i left considering his usage. And also he has cheated on many girls in the name of love and after hez bored of that girl he made them mentally say no to him. But i didn’t realize he ll do it me because i was so faithful to him. Even all my class mates know how i trusted him more than other mates. He even made me to avoid talking with other mates cz of jealousy. He too created bad impression on other mates by his illusion talks. But i didn’t believe all in front of him i just acted as they wrong. And recently when meeting other mates i told about his act and made them aware of his behavior. Because yet some friends believed he is so perfect than all. During the phone conversation i asked near my lover did he say to physically touch me and take pics, he told yes.

Then i asked him if any others came to know this what they ll think of me. He just told I’m going to marry u so i don’t wont any others comment. I too have gifted many items to my lover sending through my betrayal friend believing the love. But i still don’t know where are those gifts my friend have given. Later on after the breakup i came to realize that its my friend who have said those things and acted for his nasty behavior. He just needed to take revenge on me cz i rejected him so he physically touched and he too acted as my lover and took many pictures of mine (in nude ways pic too without my knowledge).

My friends warned me earlier that be careful near him cz he a guy but I’m the one who trusted madly in friendship. I too identified the truth rewinding all the pasts happened and my higher studies friends help me out to clear out the doubts and finally revealed that my betrayal friend only the culprit. But when i asked him also he acted as perfect guy near me.

I have repent near Allah for my sins and still i couldn’t forget the betrayal its being 3years my studies completed and moreover i dont have touch with my betrayal friend. He just used to wish me on every birthday and in return i does the same.

Im having a doubt do i need to forgive and accept him as best friend again. And still i haven’t married so incase on my wedding do i needed to invite him (will any problem occur because im unaware whether hez having my pictures or not). In sha Allah if im about to perform umrah or hajj do i need to ask forgiveness or else talk to him. And do i needed to say these matters and relate about my friend near future husband (if i hide near him will any misunderstands take place. Because im a open type person, i am willing there should not be any lies/secrets between husband and wife), even though if im relating my situation do i needed to explain him all or make him aware about that guy.

Please help me out to overcome this worst situation. I have decided firmly that until the truth comes from my friend mouth i will never forgive him.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It sounds like a very complicated scenario that you have ended up in.  However, as complicated as it may seem, the solution is very simple and very clear in Islam. Unfortunately, the difficulties you have experienced have been a result of having relationships with members of the opposite sex. Whether these relationships are romantic or not, mixing with people like these will inevitably lead to the types of emotions that result in confusing relationships that blur the boundaries between what is friendship and what is more. It is clear that you are now concerned about how this will impact on marriage in the future and may well leave you to feel guilty in one way or another.

 

Whilst you can’t rewind and change what has happened or undo any damage that has been done, you can learn from what has happened to improve your current situation and make changes for a more relaxed and content future.  Having seen the damage that having relationships with members of the opposite sex has had on you, hopefully, this will serve as a deterrent to have such relations in the future to avoid going through all this pain all over again. Avoid close relationships with males, even if it is only via the phone. It may seem quite innocent at the time, especially if the conversion seems quite appropriate and natural, but Shaytaan can easily twist this and take it in directions that will only lead to complications and heartbreak.

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To assist yourself in achieving this and moving on from what has happened to continue to repent to Allah with sincerity this will keep Allah close and with Him in mind will help you to avoid such situations that may lead to the same again. You can strengthen this by engaging in other activities that bring you closer to Allah, such as fasting, reading Qur’an, taking Islamic studies course or reading materials. Getting closer to Him will heighten your fear of Him which will also have to serve to prevent your things that are haram.

 

Furthermore, don’t allow yourself to be alone with other males, even on the phone. Instead, focus on developing friendships with other sisters so that you can get the comfort and social support you seek still, but from better and more helpful alternatives that are more pleasing In the sight of Allah. Having these emotional needs met by fellow sister will give you less of a desire to seek such things from males.

 

You can also achieve this by keeping busy in things that you enjoy doing, for example, a sport or hobby. This could be something you do alone, or even better, with other sisters who will be good company as well as being able to keep you motivated. This will provide you with the opportunity to have your needs for comfort and companionship met in a way that is acceptable. Having these needs met will stop you looking for it in other less acceptable ways.

 

If you are in a position to get married right now, then this is the best way to have your desire for a male companion achieved. This way you can have conversations with a male, but in a way that is acceptable and appropriate as well as not being sinful. Having this need met will also prevent you from speaking to other males too as it is no longer necessary.

 

May Allah guide you on the straight path and grant you a righteous spouse when the time is right for you.