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Counseling Live Session

Salam ‘Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters,

 

Thanks to all who joined our Counseling Session with our Counselor Aisha Mohamed Swan on Wednesday, July 13th, 2016. You can read the complete questions and answers below.

Stay tuned for our coming live sessions.

You can always send your question related to clinical disorders, cultural, individual, family and relationship issues to [email protected]

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Wednesday, Jul. 13, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Asalam Alaikum, I need some counseling regarding my relationship with my husband. We have already got our Nikkah done 1 year back Alhumdulillah and by Allah's will, we are getting married in next month. Since we are now at the stage of discussing serious matters with each other for advises, my husband has always complained from me that I don't act like a wife or I don't think like a wife is suppose to. In my heart, I always try to be very understanding with him but he always says that u are so immature or so childish. I want to know as we are getting married next month Inshallah, what a wife should be like to prove herself the best wife for him. I always try not to talk anything insensible in front of him but he still has this thinking for me. He is a perfect man for me other than that but on any serious matter, he has this complaint. I don't understand the role of a wife. please help. we are more like friends with each other. and I am 24 years and he is 30 Mashallah.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

I am a bit confused, as “Marriage (nikah) is a solemn and sacred social contract between bride and groom. This contract is a strong covenant “mithaqun Ghalithun” as expressed in Quran 4:21)”.    If this is what you are talking about, then you are already married as you  stated you had your nikkah a year ago, and there is no need for another marriage which you stated you were planning “next month”.  If you are speaking of a state or country license, it would still make no difference because once you do Nikkah, you are married in the “sight” of Allah SWT.

As far as his complaints dear sister, the first year or two of marriage is an adjustment wherein each must exercise patience, compassion and compromise while learning each other.  Also, often times people enter a marriage with differing expectations, cultural differences (although that should not be a barrier as Islamic rules and guidelines apply to all) as well as different skill sets.  Insha’Allah these will be refined over time.  Sister, it sounds like you truly want to please your husband and while you did not elaborate, you sound like a good wife.  Perhaps the difference in age, while not that big, is playing a factor.  Perhaps he came from a different kind of family than you wherein wives acted a certain way.  I do not know, however, I do know you seek to please him and that in itself is a blessing, may Allah reward you.  I would kindly suggest you put off whatever “marriage” you were planning next month until you both resolve these issues.  I would suggest insha’Allah that you both go for marriage counseling, preferably with an Islamic counselor given the nature of your problems.  Perhaps with a third party such as an imam, you both can develop a list of ideals and needs that you have for this marriage, and then compromise that which is allowable.   Also, you have rights in a marriage sister just as your husband does.  Please research what your rights are as well as examples of good marriages in Islam.  There are many!  As you are seeking to please your husband and be a good wife, I am sure you will succeed.  Marriage is not something we go into knowing everything, it is something we grow into and your husband should be kind and patient and appreciate the fact that he has a wife who loves him and strives to please him.

We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.

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Asalam o alaikum, I am a Muslim lady. But I'm not a good one. I have commit a sin which is very shameful and I'm embarrass on what I have done. I was engaged for last four years, my fiance last month asked me to send some pictures of me. I told him that we are not in nikah don't force to do this. He provoked me and it hurts my feeling that he doesn't love me he is interested in such thing. I was very angry and I just took off my shirt and not anything. I know I'm not a good lady. I Sent him those pictures. And ask him to leave me. At that time I was crying and he called me and said sorry to me and ask me to pray (nafil e astaghfar) and he also prayed. As time passes I was getting frustrated and up till now I'm in depression and pray for forgiveness but I'm not feeling relief. My fiance support me and said that he won't leave me. After sometimes he start ignoring me. I get that what's the reason. He is telling lie to me about everything and ignore me. I cried and cried and ask Allah to forgive me. And I don't need anyone now. What is I have done it ruined my life and my character. Question is that am I able to live such a good life ? What punishment we should deserve? Am i able to live with my family as they don't know about this. Will Allah forgive me? For example if I marry with other man not him then is it cheating? Sir please help me I'm embarrass.



As-salamu alaykum sister,

While what you and he did is haram, it does not make you a bad Muslim. We all sin, that’s why in His mercy, Allah listens to our prayers. The fact that it bothers your conscious so much that you wrote to seek advice, is telling of your deep fear and love for Allah as well as your feelings of remorse. Allah is most merciful sister and as long as you have repented and asked for Allah’s forgiveness, I would try to put this behind you. Allah is most forgiving. In the Qur’an Allah says “If the person commits a sin and repents from it, then Allah accepts his repentance if it meets the conditions of sincere repentance. Allah Says (interpretation of meaning): {Say: “O ‘Ibâdî (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allâh, verily Allâh forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.} [39: 53]”
I would kindly suggest sister that you leave this to Allah. If you repented, there is no need to keep carrying it with you, as you gave it to Allah. Therefore, it is wiped away meaning do not tell a potential future husband or your family. Allah covers our sins when we truly repent and we have no business to resurrect them. I suggest you move on with your life, focus on rebuilding your self esteem, getting closer to Allah and forgetting this man who had no respect for you. Insha’Allah, Allah has someone much better for you , someone who will not lead you to haram things but lead you towards Allah.
And while yes, it was your decision sister to do this, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, we all sin. But who needs someone in their life who encourages us to sin? You deserve better.
We wish you the best, please let us know how you are doing.


I love someone and she loves me too but her parents have fixed her marriage with someone else. We are not running away leaving our family behind, but we keep praying that when we die Allah shall make us live together in heaven. Will Allah accept such prayer?



As-salamu alaykum brother,
I am sorry to hear of her parents interference in your plans for marriage, it is un-Islamic. A woman in Islam is free to chose whom they want to marry as long as the intended meets the Islamic requirements. Parents are not allowed to force their children to marry one they do not want to marry. While I do not know your ages, I would encourage you to seek out the advice of a trusted Imam on this issue of marriage. Perhaps a supportive Imam can talk to her parents. If not, you are still both adults and can chose to marry if you wish. It wold be difficult given her parents are set on choosing her marriage partner however perhaps in time they may accept it. I would advice you dear brother to insha’Allah seek out the guidance of an Islamic scholar to perhaps support you both in trying to get married.
As far as if Allah SWT will answer your prayer to Him requesting that He bring you together in heaven, I cannot answer that definitely as I am not an Islamic scholar, and really only Allah knows. However I do know He brought you both together to meet in this life and what actions you both take to secure a righteous marriage in this life is the issue right now. Please do speak with an Imam brother. We wish you both the best, please let us know how your doing.


Salam, I have been through a lot and got diagnosed with major depression disorder. Through my last marriage, I learnt to lie in order to keep myself safe. Now, this affects my new marriage and my husband wants a divorce. I told him I would never lie to him again and sought help. But he doesn’t give me any time; he doesn’t talk to me and wants me to move out. I told him I am really sorry, and he knows my ex and how he affected me, but still he just wants to give up. I feel so worthless now. His so called brothers of Islam are telling him to divorce me and telling him I'm psycho. His last wife left him because she felt he was mentally abusing her.



As salamu alaykum sister,
Sadly once one begins lying, it is often hard to gain trust back. Perhaps this is what has happened with your marriage. While in the past you had to lie to keep yourself safe, it is a habit your therapist should be working on with you to break. I am glad to hear however that you are in counseling as it is most important as you are diagnosed with major depression, as well as you are continuing to go through struggles in this marriage.
I would kindly advise you dear sister to continue with your therapy, and discuss with your counselor what is going on. If your husband is insistent that you move out and you have a safe place to go, I would suggest a separation to avoid further trauma or escalation of the situation until the two of you can reconcile your marriage insha’Allah. Please do get marriage counseling if he is willing insha’Allah as well as talk to a trusted imam, who can guide and direct you both through this difficult time.
You are in our prayers, please let us know how things are going.

 


I feel that my 5-year-old daughter hates me. I don’t know why but sometimes she says that she hates me. I never hit her. I treat her with respect. Last week she went to my father’s home, as she loves to stay with her grandfather. She said she wants to live with her grandparents forever, and she doesn’t love our home. She never calls me over the phone or even says that she misses me like I do. She cries a lot when I call her, thinking that I will get her back to home. My father said to me she is just a little kid and wants to have more time for fun and play and she finds that in her grandfather’s home, but her words about her desire to staying away from me hurt me. How to make my daughter love our home and love me?



As salamu alaykum my dear sister,
Often times children go through phases wherein they seem to be distant towards one or both parents. It does not mean they do not love you. Even though she says she hates you, she does not, it is a reaction which she is displaying that is inappropriate but valid in that she is expressing a discomfort. However she is directing it at you-someone she feels safest with and someone she trusts. Your daughter may be angry about something or hurt over something that may be totally independent of you, but you are the “safe” person with whom she can vent.
This may be her only means of expressing her anger and although it has nothing to do with you, it still hurts. Words are power, and often children will lash out when they feel they are in a powerless situation. When your daughter says these hurtful words, I would kindly suggest trying to get your child in touch with where these words and feelings are coming from. By listening to your child and encouraging your child to talk about the deeper feelings beyond “I hate you, and I want to live at my grandfathers” could help her open up to what is really causing these feelings of anger and pain within her. Try to be non-judgmental in your approach and remain emotionally strong and present for her. While disrespect is not to be tolerated, often children do act out in this way when something is bothering them.
It sounds as if your daughter is very close to her grandfather which is a good thing providing the relationship with her grandparents is a healthy one. Sometimes grandparents can become too attached to a grandchild as they may miss having a lot of family around and the child latches on to that emotion. Many children often desire to stay at their grandparents as they find it less restrictive and more fun than home. Grandparents often do spoil their grandchildren in this regard and sometimes it makes it hard for the parent. Perhaps slowly reduce the time she spends at her grandfathers and increase the time she and you spend together. Try to do more things with her that she finds fun and engaging in order to increase time together. This will insha’Allah increase her ability to open up to you about what is going on inside her emotionally.

If your daughter displays other behaviors however such as nightmares, anxiety, random fears or other signs of maladjustment, please do take her to a child counselor as she may being going through something more severe which you are not aware of at this point. While this type of behavior is often normal in this age group, please do be aware of other behaviors or signs that t may be more serious.

Please let us know how you are doing, you are in our prayers.


My husband and I are having marital problems. we often discus divorce and separation. We argue a lot and he sometimes becomes violent. We have 3 kids (7, 4, 2) and it scares me how this will affect my kids. I am very stressed and depressed; and I feel I neglect them and even sometimes I shout at my kids when they are fighting or crying or even playing. My husband also does the same. I try not to let it get to me. But I feel I am continuously ignoring my kids and their demands and their right to have a peaceful environment, and that I do not give them my full attention as they deserve, due to my mental state. Should we just separate for our kids’s sake?



As-Salam alaykum dear sister,
I’m sorry to hear of your marriage problems. It is not a good situation at all. If your husband is violent you need to take the children and leave. Please do find someone you trust to help you with this if you ear you cannot do it alone. It is not a healthy situation for you or your children, and yes, seeing a violent relationship between their parents will affect them as will being being screamed at and neglected will. Please do find a counselor in your area to address your depression and stress, it may be due to the abusive conditions you are living under. Please sister, also seek out parenting classes to help you relearn how to treat your children. Your local Masjid may be a good source or the counselor that you will hopefully see insha’Allah, can direct you. In any case, please do ensure your safety and your children, and leave. If you need help, please do google local domestic violence shelters, they can help.
You are in our prayers, please let us know how you and the children are.