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Counselor Aisha Swan On Family and Parenting Issues

Aisha Mohammad
15 April, 2018

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

The answers will be published very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

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Tuesday, Apr. 17, 2018 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu'alaikum,

I have a huge concern regarding my daughter who was born out of wedlock before I had converted to Islam. There was a situation where I made a huge mistake and committed Zina, and then ended up concieving a child because of it. I did not believe in abortion so I kept the child and decided to try and work things out with the father so I could raise our child.

Because I was a first-time mom, at first I didn't know how to take care of my daughter that much but alhamdulilah I had learned. Over time though, the father abused me and took her from me when she was 6 or 7 months old. I fought to get her back, and when I did, she was already about 11 months old.

Her father raised her up mostly around males and didn't bond to me that well at all while the lifestyle that was being lived wasn't that well at all. Now that I have her, and have been raising her for nearly almost 7 years, she gets into a lot of trouble and constantly gets phone calls home about fights or disrupting class or walking out of class.

The thing is though, is that she is only in the second grade and having all of these troubles. I have been told by her father's mother, that how she acts is exactly how her father acts and I am very scared and concerned because of this. I converted to Islam about two years ago when I married my current husband alhamdulilah.

The only thing is now, my husband had taken on a big responsibility of trying to be her stepfather but gets frustrated when she didn't want to listen as well as myself. We always try to do what's best because the life I lived before wasn't good at all and now that I have accepted Islam, inshallah, I am trying my best to be the best mother I can be to make my daughter or at least trying to help her learn her studies and understand what's important in life. We have just moved from very far away to hopefully, inshallah, have a brand new start.

But things have not gotten any better as far as my daughter goes. And I am at a lost for words at what a mother like myself should do, as though I do not want to give up my child because I love her but deeply want to help her change for the better. I fear that my daughter's behavior is slowly coming in between our marriage but I still want to do what's right for my daughter.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing into our live session.  As I understand, you had a child out of wedlock before you reverted to Islam. I feel and hear your deep regret about what happened, however as you know when you took shahada and became Muslim, all of your sins were forgiven.  After taking shahada, you did indeed start fresh.

 

Sister, even though your child was born out of wedlock, all children are blessings as it’s not the child’s fault how or when the child was conceived but Allah did create this child and I know you love her very much. You stated that the father abused you and took your child away from you when she was 6 or 7 months old, however, you did get her back when she was 11 months old.

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So as I understand it, she was only away from you for 4 months and even though you stated that she was raised for 4 months most around males she didn’t bond to you that well because of the lifestyle being lived during those 4 months. Sister, she was very young, she was only gone for 4 months and I’m not sure what effect that may or may not have had on her now.

 

You said you have been raising her for 7 years and she gets into a lot of trouble and that you’re always getting phone calls from the school about fights or her being disruptive in class or walking out.

 

As you got married two years ago and you’ve been raising your daughter for 7 it’s quite possible that your daughter’s acting-out behavior is due to jealousy of you getting married. You have to look at it from her point of view, she had you all to herself for 5 years and suddenly she has to share you with a man, your husband.

 

Possibly, that is where the adjustment issues are coming in. Your daughter loves you and she quite possibly may like or even love your new husband but beyond that may lie a jealousy or fear that he’ll take you away from her. This is common sometimes when parents remarry, especially when there’s an only child who has had the parent solely to themselves and no one else.

 

Your daughter has been through three major changes in the past two years.   The first was when you reverted to Islam the second was when you got married, the third was when you moved far away from where you were living.  The first is a lifestyle change wherein you are striving to be a good Muslim and I’m sure that brought about changes in the household as well.

 

The second was your marriage and for this, she has to share you with your husband. The third is moving.  When you moved your daughter lost all of her friends, the familiarity of the school she went to, her surroundings and her home.  She had to start over again in all aspects. Understandably these are major changes for a 7-year-old to deal with.

 

These changes can be immense blessings, especially you are reverting to Islam and teaching her Islam. Having a father figure in her life is also a blessing as she has a male father figure to look up to (eventually insha’Allah) as well as take the lead and guide her and protect her.

 

It may take some time getting used to however as you have to remember, she had you all to herself for 5 years.   Now your time is being divided between her and your husband.  There may be some acting out behaviors as a result of all these changes sister and to some degree, it is normal for a child her age.

 

I would kindly suggest that you and your husband and your daughter go for family counseling. Seek out a counselor that is familiar with child development as well as family issues. Some counselors specialize in blended families and know how to conduct effective family therapy for those going through issues such as yours.

 

Sister, I would also kindly suggest that you try to spend as much time with your daughter as you can.  Focus on her good points and assure her of your love for her. While you do need to address the negative behaviors as well, insha’Allah if you start to focus more on the positive behaviors and what makes you proud of her, insha’Allah she will strive to attain that and feel secure within your boundaries.

 

You mentioned that you don’t want to give up your daughter because you love her deeply but that you want her to change for the better. Sister, I’m not really sure who you are thinking to give your child to, if you gave her up-where would go?  Sister rest assure that as her mom, you are the best one for her. By giving her up that would just validate her fears of losing you, being rejected, or being chosen over your husband.

 

You also stated that your daughter’s behavior is slowly coming in between your marriage. That is understandable however both you and your husband should know that even though your daughter is not his blood child, there are immense blessings in the caring of a child, especially one who may initially be difficult. While it may not be easy right now, you’ve only been married for 2 years and your daughter is still adjusting.

I hope that insha’ Allah you and your husband will seek out family counseling to help resolve this issue with your daughter as well as to help ward off any potential issues within your marriage.

 

As previously stated this is sometimes an issue when parents get married, the children begin to act out. It’s not a comfortable situation but it is one that can be resolved  insha’Allah with time, patience and prayer.

 

Please do seek out counseling for your family situation, spend quality time with your daughter assuring her of your love for her, spend time with your husband as well building on the foundation of your marriage through love and affection.

 

Make Duaa to Allah to grant ease and mercy for the situation. Insha ‘Allah, with counseling, quality time and patience, your daughter will soon adjust to the new life and will feel safe and secure in the situation and her behaviors will cease.

 

We wish you the best you’re in our prayers.

As-salaamu Alaikum. I wish to know, shall I allow my 22-year-old only daughter to sleep alone in a room. ? I'm concerned after hearing stories of Jinns possessing and harassing young virgin girls sleeping alone. My husband is not into a physical relationship with me. Shall I keep my daughter in our room in a separate bed?



A salaamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand your question, you are concerned about your 22-year-old daughter sleeping alone in her room. You stated that you are concerned after hearing stories of Jinn possession and harassment of young virgin girls who sleep alone.

 

Regarding the sleeping situation sister, I would kindly suggest that you let your daughter have her own room as she’s 22 years old and she’s actually no longer a child but an adult.

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Keeping your 22-year-old adult child sleeping with you is not healthy for you, her nor your husband.  As children grow into the teen years and beyond, they need their privacy and own little space if it is available. Keeping an older child in your bed because you fear for them is teaching them to be fearful as well and may even set up an emotional, mental and psychological state for illnesses such as anxiety, paranoia, fears, as well as panic disorder.

 

As you are her mom, your daughter looks to you for guidance, as a role model.  If you constrain her with fears, it will be stifling her. While yes, there are things we should be concerned about- things we need to take precautions over, there are however limits. Further, we also-and number one– must remember to trust in Allah.

 

You stated that your husband is not into a physical relationship with you.  Perhaps that is because your daughter was sleeping in the same room with the two of you all these years, it may have been difficult to be intimate. When children are first born for the first few years often that bonding time does include having a child sleep with the parents however at 22 years old, it has gone beyond that.

 

Your husband’s needs and your needs have been neglected it appears.  Insha’Allah that is something that can be restored and reconnected between the two of you.  Having closeness and intimate times with our spouse is important sister.

 

Regarding the stories that you have heard of Jinn’s possessing and harassing young virgin girls who sleep alone I am not an Islamic scholar and I’m also not familiar with these stories. I do know it can happen to anyone, but to what degree and how often it actually does happen I am not an expert.

 

Please do write into our “Ask the Scholar” section for a more Islamic answer. Your concerns about your daughter is most admirable as we do want to protect our children from any dangers. However, even if this were a common issue how would you propose to protect her even if you put her in her own bed in your room, you do have to sleep sister you cannot be up all night watching her.

 

Our best defense against the shaitan and his dupes is a close relationship with Allah, making duaa for protection as well as dhkir,and Quran recitation. If your daughter’s not already engaged in these Islamic activities you may want to teach her.  Ayat Al Kursi is also recommended to recite for protection.

 

I would kindly suggest sister that you let your daughter sleep in her own room in her own bed.  Make duaa to Allah, pray for her protection and leave it with Allah.  He is our best protector.

 

Please do seek to rebuild your relationship with your husband and enjoy your moments with him at night time.

 

While we need to take care of our children to our best ability, we also need to nurture and take care of our spouses as well.

 

We wish you the best you are in our prayers.

 

Assalam Alaikum,

I've 2 daughters. Elder one is 3 years old. I've always wanted to raise my daughters according to Islamic teachings. I live in joint family. My inlaws are very fond of music and dancing. They keep showing her videos of all sort of vulgar Bollywood songs. Make her dance on those songs.

They say its all cool and she is enjoying and having fun. I am really very worried about her, as she is getting older she is getting more and more interested in songs. She has started to memorize them. Keeps humming them.

I have asked them indirectly several times to stop showing her these videos. My husband also tells them not to, but they simply don't listen. I am very worried about her mental state as I think that she is too young for such kind of stuff.

Please advise me how to stop them?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session sister. As I understand, you have two daughters and your oldest one is three.

 

You stated that you live in a joint family situation and that your in-laws are very fond of playing video’s with music and dancing.  You stated however that they keep showing your eldest daughter videos of all sorts of vulgar Bollywood songs and have her dance to the songs in the videos.

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You stated that this worries you very much and you don’t like it when they do this. You have asked them several times indirectly to stop however they keep doing it, even after your husband has asked them directly.

 

Sister as you live with your in-laws, it may be very difficult to tell them what and what not to do in their own home if indeed you are living with, them rather than they are living with you. Even though it involves your daughter, it may still be difficult to enforce your wishes regarding the videos and music and dancing.

 

Sister, I kindly suggest that you take your mother-in-law out for lunch or coffee and have a heart-to-heart talk with her.  While it may be best if your husband does this as it is his parents and his position, if you do have a close relationship with his mom, and the two of you can talk, perhaps you may have some success.

 

Express your gratitude for living with them as well as for having them as in-laws and grandparents to your children. Point out the good things they do and the nice qualities they possess which you admire.  Focus on the positive things that they teach you or your children.

 

Talk about the wonderful ways in which they interact with your children and how much the children love them. This may set up a positive interaction for discussing the video issue. People tend to respond better to requests when they are reminded of the good traits and points that they possess as well as when they know they are appreciated.

 

Kindly mention the video and your preference for your daughter to watch other videos.  Ask for her suggestions on videos for children.

If you approach her with love, appreciation and gratitude, as well as seeking her advice- insha’Allah-she may be more receptive to your needs as a mom for what you want for your child in regards to the music video and dancing issue.

 

If she’s not, you may forget about getting them to stop playing these videos and instead you may have to curb it as much as you can by removing your daughter from the situation when it occurs and engaging her and something else until you and your husband have a place of your own.

 

As far as what influence it has on your daughter, it is not something that I would be really concerned with unless it’s a constant influence. Often times when we make a big deal out of something and keep bringing it up to the child, that leaves more of an impression than the actual thing we are trying to get them to avoid.

 

The added hyper-vigilance actually may increase interest, curiosity and a natural feeling of wanting to do the opposite of what she is told. Your daughter must be taught right from wrong, howeve,r the right way of living that you teach her and the good things that you expose her to will insha’Allah, take precedence.

 

While this is not the best videos for your daughter to be seeing,  if you replace them with other activities that are age-appropriate such as games, toys, children’s nasheeds and so forth, it may negate any negative effect that may occur.

 

Another thing you may want to consider is if your husband’s parents always listen to music and had their children dance and watched things which you are vulgar, I am wondering was your husband raised like this? If so you may want to get his opinion on how it affected him and his siblings as he seemed to turn out very nice as you married him!

 

Perhaps your husband grew up different than you did and perhaps he was exposed to different things than you were, but you both turned out to be wonderful people, Muslims, as well as parents.  I am sure that your in-laws mean no harm, however it it does bother you and your wishes should be respected.

Insh’allah, you and your husband can implement other activities for your daughter in order to divert her away from the videos and dancing so that she will have a well-balanced upbringing while they are living with their grandparents.

Insha’Allah,  include a lot of age appropriate Islamic teachings, books,  prayer, and take them to Islamic events.  Engage her  with other Muslim children to increase her exposure to other children as well as Islamic play times.   If your situation is long-term regarding living with your in-laws, I am confident that insha’Allah, you and your husband’s influence will negate any possible harm that could come from the videos.

 

We wish you the best you’re in our prayers.

 

 

Salam Alaikum,

I am married with a newborn baby Alhumdulillah. I have postpartum depression and anxiety for which I go for counseling. However, I have a tendency to be anxious and feel I need to resolve this matter through religion. Since I found out I was expecting I have become paranoid. I think my baby will get this disease or that disease. Or baby will have this disability or that disability.

I read articles about kids with disabilities and I just cry and cry and cry - it is so tough on them and their families. I pray to Allah to protect my baby but the fear overwhelms me and paralyzes me. When my baby smiles I just cry - I feel guilty for enjoying the moment and I am ‘waiting’ for a calamity to strike me.

People say I should be optimistic and trust in Allah but Surah Baqarah does say that we will be tested - so difficulty is inevitable. What should I do?



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing into a live session. I’m sorry to hear that you have postpartum depression and anxiety.

 

Postpartum depression occurs often and many women go through varying degree of postpartum depression ranging from mild to severe-from experiencing it for a few days to months or longer.

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As you stated that since you found out you were pregnant you became paranoid, I am wondering sister if you had any of these symptoms before or if they are new? Did you have any mental health symptoms as a child or young adult?  If you had a history of mild depression or mild anxiety, possibly stress and or hormones associated with pregnancy and or childbirth could have exasperated it.

 

The point is, being paranoid and worrying about this disease or that disease, or if the baby will have a disability or not, and reading articles about disabilities and crying and being fearful to the point that it paralyzes you are not typical reactions. That’s not to say that others don’t go through this, it’s just to say that it’s to the point where it needs serious intervention. Psycom (1) discusses paranoia in context of postpartum depression stating:

 

“Postpartum psychosis is a related mental health condition that can also develop after childbirth. This rare and serious condition includes symptoms of hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren’t there), paranoia…”

 

As you stated you are seeing a counselor I would highly suggest insha’Allah that you discuss these feelings with your counselor. Please do tell her about your paranoia, about your fears that overwhelm you and paralyze you, and your crying episodes.

 

While I’m not sure what type of treatment you are receiving from your counselor,  there are medications that can help and possibly some which don’t interfere with breastfeeding (if you are breastfeeding),  if that is the route that you take.

 

If you do not want to take medication there are other specialized therapies and treatments the counselors can utilize to help with what you’re feeling, such as stress reduction techniques, cognitive behavioral therapy and other methods to not only help you to relax but also insha’Allah help correct the faulty thinking that may be causing these feelings.

 

At this time sister, your hormones are dropping as you know and for some women, this is a most difficult time until their bodies readjust to a pre-pregnancy hormonal state.  Nonetheless, it does need to be addressed.

 

Additionally,  please connect with your family and close friends as well and let them know what is going on, perhaps they have also experienced postpartum depression and can be of support.  You are not alone sister, you just need to get this resolved as soon as possible so you can fully enjoy your new baby.

 

Postpartum depression is a serious matter and I kindly suggest sister that you do insist upon a more intensified treatment plan from your counselor. Postpartum depression and anxiety can be treated insha’Allah, you just have to find the method that is successful for you.

 

This will be a joint effort of both you and your counselor. You need to reach out to her and be totally honest about what you are going through and feeling and she needs to provide the appropriate treatment plan which will bring you relief.   While you are worried about harm coming to your baby because you love her so much, if at any time sister, you feel like harming yourself or your baby please do reach out immediately for help. You can also call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).   (2).

 

We wish you the best you’re in our prayers

1-https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.post-partum.html

2-https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/depression-hotline/

Assalamu Alaikum,

As far back as I can remember, my parents have fought very viciously. My Dad was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to my mother. He used to hit her as he would listen to his sister in law which is also my mother's aunt. This was all before we were born.

They have been arguing for 24 years. Every time they argue with cant tell my mom that she’s wrong she would scream a d hit herself. That’s one of the main problems we are facing that we can’t tell her that’s he’s wrong. They fought so much that my Dad goes everyone morning to work and comes back around 1-2 am.

Now that we are older though, they still continue to fight, but my Mom continuously scolds us for not saying enough to my father. I said very bad stuff to my father I don’t know whether Allah will forgive me. She wants us to change him, and we have all tried talking to him, but he will never change. I am starting to see my mother's fault in their fights as well because she never backs down, and both of them have gotten worse with age.

There’s also a massive age gap between my parents as my dad was married before and had a son. But both have passed away together. I feel bad for my mother because she's always unhappy, she’s suffering from depression and heart problems but I feel bad for my father too because he is always all alone his parents passed away his brothers and sister don’t care about him even though he’s the youngest and he’s not in touch with them so all he has is us.

I am very sad that our whole life we had to deal with my Mom and Dad fighting, my grandparents play a big role in this too they always ask us for money my dad is the only one working he’s 56 yrs old and he working and earning money for us and them by force. Even though my uncles live here they don’t ask them for money as much as they ask us my dad spend more than 15 thousand just to get my moms brother from back home and send my moms parents to hajj.

They own sons don’t do as much as my dad does. And now they are not even paying us back our money. Every month we send more than 1000 pound my sometimes send secretly money and she takes our work money and sends it we are forced to give it to her without any hesitation.

My sisters wake up 5 am and come home late why just to make things easier for my dad so that he doesn’t have to do much but my mom will never understand we are struggling to spend money on ourselves because my mom always says don’t waste your money keep it safe it !!! For what so that she can send it to her parents and her sister who received £200 separately which was taken from my older sister who wakes up every morning at 5 am!!! My mom will never understand the pain we go through.

My mom is always nice to her family the way she talk to them she never talks to us that way!!! Everyone morning she’s calling all her brothers and parents. And when we try to talk to her she gets mad because the talked too much to her parents and brothers. We've all talked to our parents about how we feel but they will never understand!

My sister getting old, she’s 25 years old and hasn’t been married yet every time someone comes my mom send them away why because our grandparents have that right to pick for us!! Which is ridiculous my mothers doesn’t care that she getting old my mom is more worried about her sister back home who isn’t married yet she said I will first try to find someone for my sister and then you!!!

That’s not her responsibility she has parents who can do that when we tell her something about her family my mom gets so bad that she doesn’t talk to us for weeks.



As salaamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I’m very sorry to hear what’s been going on in your family with the verbal abuse and physical abuse of your mom by your dad.

 

What your father is doing is an abomination and it is something which Allah hates.  Sadly many women go through abusive relationships with men and they come to accept it.  This acceptance is either due to low self-esteem, fear,  feelings of hopelessness, or just giving up.  Cultural norms can also play a part in what a woman tolerates as acceptable behavior from a man.

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I can imagine it was very hard for you and your sister to see this happening to your mom since childhood,  it must have hurt you very much. One must feel so helpless as a young child watching your mom get hurt and not being able to do anything about it.  You stated that now that you’re older, you try talking to your dad about changing his behavior on behalf of your mom but he won’t change.

 

Sister you stated that your parents have fought for so many years and for so much of the time, that your dad goes to work every morning and he comes back about 1 or2 a.m.  This may or may not be avoidance behavior as it appears he is trying to stay away.

 

You described how despite the abuse,  feel bad for your dad too “cuz his parents passed away and he’s all alone and his brothers and sisters don’t care about him”.   You also stated that you are starting to see your mother’s faults regarding their fights as well because “she never backs down and both of them have gotten worse with age” and that you felt bad for your mom because she’s “always unhappy and suffering from depression”.

 

Sister, it seems as if despite all the abuse that’s going on you love your parents very much and you feel sorry for both of them for different reasons, and for different reasons you understand each of their struggles and their weaknesses. Is very apparent sister that your care about your family and you wish to do something for your parents.  Sister I wish I could say  there is a simple answer.

 

In truth, only your parents can decide individually and together to stop fighting and to start treating each other with respect, love, and mercy that Allah swt intended for a marriage.

 

Regarding your parents fighting, I would kindly suggest sister that you that you try not to get in the middle of it but if asked to intervene on behalf of your mother or father-   encourage both of your parents to seek out counseling from a qualified marriage therapist. If needed, try to find one in your area before hand in case one or both agree.  Counseling for your mom would be paramount as she is in an abusive situation and while she seems to be accepting of it, at the same time she appears to be tired of it too as she asks for you to talk to your dad about changing.

 

In addition,  insha’Allah maybe you can plan a family night wherein you and your family take an hour or so to recite the Qur’an together. You may even want to read Quranic proofs in regards to how a marriage should be stating you would like to learn for yourself or your sister what Allah has to say about marriage.

 

You can even use hadiths about the Prophet’s (PBUH) marriage for further reflection.  Insha’Allah these family nights may soften and awaken both of your parents hearts to cherish and show mercy & kindness to each other.  Make duaa to Allah before that asking Allah to touch your parents’ hearts sister.

 

As they have been married and arguing for 24 years, it may be difficult for them to change but it is possible, especially with counseling and prayer.   The truth is, neither of them are happy, both are suffering in one way or another.   Insha’Allah they will think about counseling and if agreed perhaps family nights spent reading Qur’an will benefit them.

 

It might not be right away but maybe after several times of suggesting it, they may think about it.   Please do make Duaa to Allah that he touches their hearts to start repairing their marriage and drawing closer to Him as well, as to each other as a husband and wife who are truly living in Islamic marriage.

In regards to your grandparents always asking for money, that’s only something that your parents can deal with- specifically your mom, as it is her parents who keep asking for money causing your father to work  to support the whole family (her brothers who live with you and your grandparents) and from what I understand your sister’s money is used as well.

 

From what you have stated, however, it seems like your mom may not be willing to talk to her parents about the money situation as she appears to be “clinging” on to them as an emotional security, possibly because of the abuse.   As Muslims, we are to take care of our families especially our parents.  However, the responsibility is on your grandparent’s children as well and that would be up to your parents to talk to them about helping out financially.

 

While the money should really not be your concern, it is affecting you and your sister. You may ask your sister to create a budget in which she sets aside a certain amount of money every month for your grandparents and puts the rest in her own savings account.

 

This may help reduce the stress that she is feeling and you as well.  Again, as this is between your mom and dad and your grandparents, there may not be much you can do except keep the situation and prayer with Allah.  In regards to your sister getting married, there’s no reason why she cannot meet somebody in a Halal manner who she finds compatible for a marriage partner.

 

Parents do not have to arrange marriages.  Traditionally it’s been done, but it is not an Islamic requirement.   People do meet or hear of others who are single and find them suitable for Marriage Partners and get married without the parents fixing them up.

 

If at all possible, I would encourage your sister insha’Allah, to take her future into her own hands and seek marriage without your parents help. If she were to meet somebody or hear of somebody that she’s interested in, of course she would want to consult your parents and have their blessings.

 

If your parents refuse and he’s Islamically appropriate for her, she should go on with a marriage and try to repair her parental relations later.   She is an adult and it is her choice for a life partner/spouse.  While we seek to make our parents happy, in some situations it is not possible.

 

Sister I suggest that you also get counseling.  You have been under tremendous stress most of your life it seems and you are carrying the weight on your shoulders.  Please do consider it.  Relaxation & stress reduction exercises would also be helpful.

 

Try to get out for fun social times with your friends and experience some joy.   Go to Islamic events, pray at the Masjid, take up a hobby, go to the gym or a quite walk in nature.  There is balance in Islam.  To attain this balance, we must take care of our minds, bodies and spiritual selves.

 

Please try to take care of you too sister.  In life some things we do not have control over such as others’ relationships and sadly this hurts us, however we can try our best and then accept what Allah swt has decreed.

 

We wish you the best you’re in our prayers.

 

 

Assalamu Alaikum.

I was married last year and this is the second wedding for me and my husband. This marriage took place more due to parents pressure. As I never felt any feeling to getting married to him. I had earlier came across a proposal of a single bachelor Man from a religious family and was ready to accept me and my daughter. And I wanted to marry him. As I found him good in all aspects.

In this present wedding, my husband was previously married for 10 months and had regular physical relations with his ex-wife throughout the duration. But she never conceived. It's been 4 months since my wedding with this person and with very regular physical relations- many times every day- that he always initiates. But I haven't conceived either and his parents pressure to give them a grandkid. But they don't realize that a health issue would be from there son.

As Alhamdulillah I am already blessed with a girl of 7years age from my previous marriage. I am in my 30's and my husband in his 40's age. I don't want to prolong this matter, hoping and expecting as age is a concern. And his ex-wife with 10months relation couldn't conceive and neither me from him.

So with the mutual understanding, I want to end this. Because I really want to get into being a mother again and bless siblings for my daughter. I just don't feel like prolonging such relationship practically. Kindly advise and help.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session with your most important concerns.

 

As I understand, you were married last year and this is your second marriage. You stated the marriage took place more due to parental pressure and them liking him than you actually liking him.

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In fact, you preferred to marry someone else, but married your current husband. You stated that you never had “an inclination” of getting married to him, so I’m wondering why you did marry him and not the other one?

 

I understand parental pressure, however, it’s also important that you make a decision based on your compatibility with the person you intended to marry. However, you did marry the one your parents wanted you to marry despite your feelings and sadly you are experiencing issues. My heart goes out to you sister and may Allah reward you for trying to please your parents but in Islam it is our choice who we marry as long as he fits the Islamic criteria.

You stated that your husband was previously married for 10 months and although he had regular relations with his ex-wife she never conceived a child. You stated that now it’s been 4 months since your wedding and you’ve had regular physical relations with your husband, “many times a day” and you have not conceived yet either.  Currently, your worried about not getting pregnant because you’re in your 30s and you would like another child.

 

This is understandable dear sister that you would be concerned given his first wife did not get pregnant.  You further discussed ending this relationship (mutually) and not prolonging it, so I think you are contemplating divorce.

 

Sister, insha’Allah I would kindly advise you to be able to be a little more patient try to find the good in your husband and realize that it has only been 4 months as you stated and 4 months is not a long time. I realize that possibly you feel pressured because you’re in your thirties and you do want another child and you may fear that he might not be able to have children because in his last marriage his ex-wife didn’t conceive within the 10-month relationship either.

 

While his first wife did not conceive, that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with him or you or his ex-wife. It could be that there were extenuating circumstances as to the reason why she didn’t conceive.   Some couples don’t conceive until a year or two after they’re married.

 

The Baby Center (1) states that “Taking up to two years to get pregnant is normal for some couples. It may feel far from normal if it’s happening to you. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you have a fertility problem. About half of the couples who don’t get pregnant within a year will conceive the following year, if they keep trying.”

 

Oftentimes when people are first married there’s a lot of excitement, adjustment, as well as stress and happiness during the first year as the husband and wife are getting to know each other (in your case you did not want to marry him).

 

Often times when a husband and wife are more comfortable with each other and feel relaxed and not nervous or stressed, conception is more easily attained. I’m not saying that you and your husband are stressed, however, it may be something worth evaluating as research does show a link between high stress and problems with conception.

 

At the present time I will kindly suggest insha’Allah, that since you said you have only been married for 4 months, that you focus on your new husband by getting to know him, spending time with him, bonding, getting closer, enjoying each others company as well as bonding as a family as you have a daughter.

 

Sister, I know this is not the man you wanted to marry, but perhaps if you look for some good in him, you will begin to feel for him as well.  If after maybe a year or so you don’t conceive, then I would suggest that a medical evaluation be initiated.

 

True he may have problems getting his wife pregnant but you don’t know that yet.  You may want to request testing for both of you, not just him because while you have a child, that was seven years ago and a lot of things with our female health can change within that time, things that we may not even be aware of.

 

I’m not saying lack of conception in 4 months is because of you, and I’m not saying it’s because of him, I don’t know.  I’m just saying because testing can be expensive, and you are newly married, insha’Allah waits about a year and during that time focus on bonding as a couple.

 

Insha’Allah, Allah will make this easy for you sister.  Insha’Allah He will bless you both with mercy, affection, and love for one another as well as a baby. If not, or if you really just cannot stay in this marriage due to severe incompatibility then you know you are free to divorce. No one should be forced to spend their life with someone they do not like.

You deserve to be with someone you care for and love, as does your husband deserve a wife who cares for and loves him.

We wish you the best you’re in our prayers

1-https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1813/how-long-will-it-take-to-get-pregnant