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Ask the Psychologist

Hannah Morris
27 November, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that Ask the Counselor section is going to hold its next counseling live session on November 29th at 09:30 GMT/ 12:30 Makkah time.

If you have any question related to fears, addictions, relationships, marriage, or mental health in general, or else, feel free to submit it during the session on this page or send it beforehand to [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous!

Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2016 | 12:30 - 14:30 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-Salamu 'Alaykum. I have 3 daughters. The oldest one is from my previous marriage, but my husband raised her since she was 4. She wants to get married with a revert who is not a practicing Muslim - as we heard. She is not a practicing Muslim either. She knows him for 2 years, and we have told her that it cannot happen. She has still been in contact with him despite our words and stays nights out at friends. This causes arguments between my husband and me. She is happy staying under my roof and has her freedom as I cannot stop her. She is 28 and well-educated. She now says that she is trying to forget him as she knows we are not happy about him, but she is depressed and referred to a psychiatrist. Today, I told her to marry him and be happy, but never enter our home again as I fed up with her situation. My husband told me if she comes home after marriage, he will divorce me. We have been arguing a lot and I feel like leaving him. I know she will never marry anyone else. Please guide me.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

 

Understandably, you are facing much distress with this situation as it seems whatever happens you will make someone unhappy – your daughter if you stand in the way of her marriage to him, and your husband if you allow your daughter to do so. Either way will have devastating consequences within the family unit.

 

The first thing you need to think about is that raising your daughter has been a team effort between you and your husband and, therefore, you need to respect his thoughts on that matter, too.

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She has been enagaging in a haram relationship with this guy she wants to marry, which does not provide the best foundations for a marriage and is completely against the princples of Islam. Even if you were to support her with the marriage, you have supported in her with haram. Whilst this might make her happy, it will not make Allah (swt) happy.

 

There are many times in life where we have to do something that is displeasing to people in this life, even those we love dearly, in order to please Allah (swt). This can be difficult, but ultimately we need to remember that Allah (swt) will be the one who will judge us. She may be unhappy with your decision not to support her marriage, but in sha’ Allah, in time, as she moves on, she will realise that it was for her benefit. She will respect the fact that you saved her form a haram relationship and that, in fact, Allah (swt) has replaced it with something better.

 

She said that she was trying to forget him because she knew you and your husband were unhappy with this, and this seems to have lead to her depression. It might seem easier just to give in and allow her to marry him, saving her from the pain she has been going through, but think of the pain that she firstly could face in this life as a result of being in a haram relationship. Think also of the pain she will face in the Hereafter for having done such act. Remember that the pain of facing depression for a while in this life by forgetting him will be considerably smaller than what she could potentially face if she got married to him, as well as the pain for you in supporting her, both in how you will be questioned and in relations with your husband. Nobody likes to face pain, and its too easy to just take the easy way out, but be reassured that facing and enduring trial comes with much reward in the end, if you just trust in Allah (swt).

 

Unfortunately, as the love has already developed between them, it will be difficult for her to move on, and it may feel like she will never be happy to marry anyone else. However, with the support of you and your husband, and many prayers, she can move on successfully and will be able to marry someone under more appropriate circumstances that are more pleasing to you and your husband, and most importantly most pleasing to Allah (swt). The only way she will feel supported by you and your husband is if you come together and work together in the matter without arguments and disputes, especially in her presence. She needs to see a united front between the two of you so that she will truly feel supported. This will be particularly important right now as she has been receiving psychiatric intervention.

 

In the meantime, continue to be good role models to her and openly practise Islam. As her role models, she will look up to you and be guided to the straight path and begin to practise. Pray to Allah (swt) to guide her and help her to see the beauty of Islam. In sha’ Allah, she will be grateful for your choice to support her away from haram. Encourage her to behave more in accordance with Islam. A strong family home will help to support this. This may be difficult at first, considering things are not in a good place right now, but it’s important to leave these difficulties behind in search of the pleasure of Allah (swt). In sha’ Allah, things will get better and be more settled in the family home.

 

May Allah (swt) guide you all on the straight path and bring ease in all your affairs. May He (swt) bring you all comfort in your family home and bring your daughter a righteous spouse that she, you, and your husband will be happy with.

 

Salam,

As-Salamu 'Alaykum, first of all, I want to point out that both my husband and I were brought up to believe in Allah and the basics of Islam, but neither of us had a complete Islamic upbringing. We were not taught to pray, our mothers do not wear hijab except when being in a mosque and while praying, etc. But I want to raise my kids differently as, by the Mercy of Allah, I have recently returned back to praying and trying to live as a better Muslim. Now to the question: I have recently started to have the feeling that I want to wear hijab. I am almost 100% ready to wear it. But my husband doesn't want me to wear it. He is worried about that people might verbally or physically attack me, and he also thinks that since we live in the USA, it just doesn't fit like it would if we lived in a Muslim country. He says he doesn't want to always feel like a stranger. I told him that Islam came as a stranger and will return to being a stranger, but he hasn't changed his mind. Now, I know it's not going to be easy at first, but I am at that point in my religion where I am more worried about pleasing Allah than anyone else. I am not perfect but trying to do as much as I can. I can't say that I have no fear about what people could possibly say or do, but I also believe that by pleasing Allah, He will protect me. I have tried talking to my husband about me wearing the hijab, but he always says no. He doesn't have a problem with any other religious duties except hijab. I understand it is my right to choose to wear it or not, but I don't want to fight with my husband which might lead to divorce. I understand that everyone is responsible for their own actions, but in this case I am worried whether I will be punished if I don't wear hijab because my husband doesn't allow it?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

Alhamdulilah, may Allah (swt) continue to guide you on the straight path and bring you all the knowledge and strength to practise the deen as it has been prescribed to us.

 

Wearing the hijab publicly has been an issue discussed a lot, especially in recent time, and will inevitably raise concern for us all as Muslims due to the attacks that have occurred on people as a result. Where a Muslim man’s identity as a Muslim is not so obvious, as sisters, wearing hijab is obviously a lot more covert and openly identifies us a Muslim. The hijab is an obligation on us as women and, therefore, is a must that we wear it, even in situations where we may fear persecution. It can certainly feel very daunting when we hear all the negative stories in the media about it; however, there a number of things we must always keep in mind to remain strong in our desire to wear it.

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Firstly, Allah (swt) said we should wear it, and there is a very good reason for this. It serves as a protection to us. Remembering that we wear it to obey the command of Allah (swt), for His sake, and that we are not doing it for anyone but Him (swt). Therefore, the judgements of others are irrelevant. Ultimately Allah (swt) is the One who will be judging our life on this earth and not anyone else. Therefore, it is more important for us to strive to please Him (swt) even if it meant that everyone else on the planet was displeased.

 

This can be easier said than done when your spouse does not agree that you fulfill this obligation of wearing the hijab and you fear the consequences of disobeying him. However, whilst in most cases, you should respect what your husband says, when a husband tells the wife to do something that is haram or outside of the fold of Islam, then they cannot obey such a command. Understandably, he is worried for your safety and this is a sign of his love for you, so you might reassure him that it is an obligation on you to wear it and that your fear of Allah (swt) is worth more than the fear of persecution from others. In sha’ Allah, if he loves you for the sake of Allah (swt) and wants what is best for you in the Hereafter, then he will begin to support you with this. Perhaps at the start, he could accompany you out to see for himself the kind of reaction that you get from others around you. In sha’ Allah, he will come to realise that even though people may stare, the reaction probably wont be half as bad as he expects.

 

Whilst we hear many stories of people being persecuted for wearing it, there are just as many (often unreported) stories of people actually desiring to ask questions about Islam and find out more. In many cases, they have even reverted to Islam as a result. We can use it as an indirect form of making dawah. People see the hijab and automatically know we are Muslims and will make judgements about Islam based on our behaviour. Therefore, having this constant reminder on our head will always encourage us to act the best of ways to show the beauty of Islam and that Muslims are not all as bad as is portrayed in the media. Use it as a chance to challenge the stereotypes that exist for Muslims right now. Being in the minority, wearing the hijab provides the perfect opportunity to do this. So, yes, maybe as a Muslim you don’t “fit in” as much as you would in a country where the majority are Muslim, but you can use this to your advantage and do your best to mix in as much as everyone else, and let people know that Muslims are good people.

 

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you to proceed with your decision to wear the hijab and reward you for doing so. May He (swt) soften your husband’s heart to accept you in doing so, and may He (swt) open the hearts of others’ hearts to Islam in accepting you into the community with no problems.

 

Salam,

I love someone and he also loves me so much, but the problem is his family. His father wants him to propose to a girl whom he does not love. Now both of us are under stress. Any advice?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

It is a difficult situation to be in when two people wish to get married, but they don’t have the support of the family. You are torn between abandoning the proposal to please the family but potentially face unhappiness in a marriage and displeasing the family to satisfy your desire to marry the person you wish to. Forced marriages are not ok in Islam and, therefore, if his family adhers to Islamic principles, then they should not force this marriage to another girl against his wishes. However, even if they don’t force him, it seems that they will be displeased with him if he does not agree to it, which could have devastating consequence for him within the family, unless they change their minds.
During this time, it is important to be careful not to fall into sin due to the love that you have for each other despite the opposition of his family. Until you are actually married, you are haram for each other and, therefore, any contact that occurs between the two of you should be in the presence of your mahram.

 

There are a couple of ways you can consider approaching your situation. Firstly, he can speak with his father about the situation. Let his father know that he has found a woman he wants to marry and that he does not want to marry the one his father wants to make the proposal with. If he will find it difficult to approach his father on his own, then he could enlist the assistance of a trusted family member who will support his decision to marry you. He could then approach his father and explain the situation with the support of someone else, which might work to convince his father. It may be that his father is not fully aware of his feelings for you and that is why he has sought another girl for him. If he knows his son’s feelings for you, then maybe this will be enough to change his mind on the matter and support you in getting married to him.

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If you have the support of your family, then you could go with a couple of your family members, ideally your mahram, and arrange to meet his family to discuss the matter as a whole family unit – both yours and his. If his family meet yours, they may be more agreeable to the marriage as they get to know your family and know more about you and, therefore, happy for you to marry him. Parents like to know that their child is marrying a righteous spouse from a good family. If you can show this to him, then, in sha’ Allah, he will be pleased to see this marriage go ahead without the need to search elsewhere.

 

If this still doesn’t work to convince his father, then it is still possible for you to pursue the marriage, if you wish, without his support. But be aware of the potential consequences of doing so, especially if his father never comes to accept it and how this may have an impact on his relationship with his family as well as your own marriage to him later on in life. It is important to take time to make careful consideration of these things, too.

 

In the mean time, always remember to seek the support of Allah (swt), pray for him to bring you ease in the situation and make the best decisions regarding the situation – decisions that will be best for you and the other man and most importantly will be pleasing to Allah (swt).

 

Salam,

As-Salaam Alaykum dear counselor. I'm Abdulhakeem from South Africa. There's a sister who was introduced to me by a friend of mine. I sincerely wish to have her as my wife because of her strong faith and her commitment to Islam. She also said that she liked me because of my commitment to deen, but the problem is that she neither said yes nor said no to my proposal. She just keeps telling that Allah knows best each time I raise the issue. It has been like this for almost 4 months now. My question is that should I continue waiting for her to say yes, or should I just shift my attention off her? Jazakallah khair.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam brother,

 

Ma sha’ Allah, you have been introduced to a sister that you wish to pursue a marriage to and have made the proposal. She, however, has yet to accept or decline the proposal. This makes things difficult for you because you are not sure whether you should wait in the hope that she accepts your proposal, but risk that she could even decline and you are left wasting your time when you could be seeking marriage to someone else who is ready.

 

Marriage is recommended for us to protect us from a multitude of sins that people commit as a result of not being married. Marriage provides us with a space to be close to someone and have our needs completed which outside of marriage cannot be. This is why we are encouraged to marry young to avoid any chances of this happening. Alhamdulillah, you are seeking to mget married soon.

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My advice for you is that you should not place too much pressure on her to make a decision, in case she makes a decision, that she may end up regretting, such as that you pursue a marriage and then things don’t work out, or that she says no to end the situation but then regrets not moving forward with the offer. However, you cannot just keep waiting for her, especially when you are ready to enter marriage. It’s not even fair on you to keep waiting.

 

Whilst you desire marriage and are not married, there is much risk of being tempted by haram to have your desires met. What you could do is have a time scale in mind that you will give her, and if she has not made a decision by then, then leave it behind and move on, seeking marriage elsewhere. Perhaps another two months or so. This is your choice, however long you feel you can wait, but always remember that the longer you continue to meet up without a decision being made, the more chance there will be to develop feelings between the two of you that will make walking away from it more difficult. This is why it is particularly important to ensure that any contact during this time is kept minimal and strictly halal, with a third person present as a protection for you and this lady in a way that is most pleasing to Allah (swt). You could also pray istikhara once you hit the point where you feel you really can’t wait any longer and ask Allah (swt) to take you away from her with ease, if it is not right for you.

 

You didn’t specify if you have been meeting her with her mahram present. In the hope that you are, in accordance with Islamic principles, you may also speak to her mahram, too, and find out if he has any idea from her perspective about the likelihood of a marriage moving forward. If you have not been then ensure to seek repentance and ask for Allah’s (swt) forgiveness and keep any future interactions in the presence of her mahram. Remember that if you do end up seeking marriage else where to do so in a halal way, meeting her only with her mahram present. This could also help overcome any obstacles in waiting for an answer as with the collaboration with her mahram could make for a quicker decision on the matter, so you can know where you stand in whether to prepare for marriage of keep looking else where.

 

May Allah (swt) bring a righteous spouse into your life that will bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

 

Salam,

As-Salamu 'Alaykum. Last year, I received a proposal from someone whom I rejected first, but then he asked me to stay in touch with him, and I agreed. Within few months of chatting, I started having feelings for him which he already had for me as I was the person who influenced him in praying and becoming a better person. (He was divorced.) I didn't mind his past as for me his present mattered, and I saw that he was trying to change himself. He quit smoking and started praying 5 times a day. As time went by, our feelings got stronger and he finally proposed me. I told my parents about him, but we got to hear from someone that after being divorced, he married another woman and had a child. When I asked him, he denied and said that he had told me everything about his past since day 1 about eloping and divorce. But for my father, it was over; he doesn't want to hear from him anymore. With so many complications, at the end, the guy I love fed up trying to explain the truth to everyone, and indirectly decided to give upon us and move on. Now, I'm left with feelings for him and no matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my mind. I always felt that it's destiny that brought us together after I rejected him. But now I don't know what to do. I know he loves me and he just pushed me away because he thinks he's not good enough for me and my family. Please, help me what to do. I ask Allah all the time to make the situation fine again, but how can we know if someone will come back to us if they're meant to? Jazak'Allah khair.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam sister,

 

It can be very distressing for people when they love someone so much but feel like they have lost them. Alhamdulilah, Allah (swt) provides with the best procedure for entering marriage that will avoid the type of heartbreak that you have been experiencing.

 

Talking with another man alone outside of marriage is haram and can lead to the kind of problems that you have been experiencing, which is exactly why Allah (swt) forbade such an act. He (swt) says that in such a case the third person is Shaytan, which is why these types of interactions often result in haram.

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As you can see, these interactions have lead you to develop feelings for him, and when it didn’t work out you are now faced with the distress you, as a result. It is important that we all do our utmost to adhere to Allah’s (swt) obligations on us, in the faith that Allah (swt) is the One who possesses the best wisdom.

 

At times, we think we know best. In situations like yours, this can be overtaken by feelings which lead us to make decisions that are not good for us and take us away from practising Islam as it should be.

 

Only Allah (swt) knows what the future holds for you and whether it is with this man or not. What you do need to understand is that even if he comes back into your life, you began your relationship in a haram way, and this can make for a bad start in marriage. Not always, but it’s important to be aware of the consequences of such in the context of the relationship.

 

He was never obliged to let you know about his past, so the fact he did not disclose his full past is not such a worry. However, due to the rumours that seem to have reached your parents, it has become more of a problem than it needs to be. Islamically, we should avoid being engaging in rumours and backbiting, but when this man has become the victim of it, it inevitably makes things difficult for him as your father is now completely against a marriage to him.

 

A good place to begin at this point is to repent to Allah (swt) for having relationship with a non-mahram male without anyone else’s present and do so with sincerity. Allah (swt) says in the Quran:

 

“And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out.” (65:2)

 

If this man is meant for you, then Allah (swt) will bring him back into your life and will open you parents’ hearts to him. However, this should not stop you from seeking marriage to someone else, or accepting a proposal from anyone else, otherwise you spend your life in waiting and miss out on the opportunity for marriage.

 

Understandably, you might find this difficult. But if you are introduced to another righteous man, then it is possible for you to develop the same kind of feelings – but in an appropriate way that is most pleasing to Allah (swt). You can learn a lesson from this experience by making sure that any future interaction you have with a non-mahram male are in the presence of someone else, ideally your father, so that you don’t run the risk of developing feelings for someone outside of wedlock again. This includes the other man that you have spoken of here. Make sure everything is kept halal.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you ease and bring a spouse your way that will bring happiness and comfort in your life.

 

Salam,

 

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