Ads by Muslim Ad Network

aaa

Ask the Psychologist

Hannah Morris
15 January, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that Ask the Counselor section is going to hold its next counseling live session on January 17th at 09:30 GMT/ 12:30 Makkah time.

If you have any question related to mental health, marriage or else, feel free to submit it during the session on this page or send it beforehand to [email protected]

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

The service is completely anonymous!

Tuesday, Jan. 17, 2017 | 12:30 - 14:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam. I was suffering from OCD, suffering from thoughts and anxiety. I want to help myself but I can't. I was reading about OCD on Wikipedia and came across the term evolutionary psychology, known as EP. I want to know more about it. Is it a theory or fact, because it is related to the theory of evolution? Thank you.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

 

Suffering with OCD can be very debilitating due to the excessive thoughts of anxiety and the negative impact on one’s life in so many ways. There are a number of things to consider in your question.

 

I begin with your actual question: “Is evolutionary psychology a theory or fact?” If you are referring to Darwin’s theory of evolution, including natural selection, survival of the fittest..etc., then most scholars are of the opinion that this is a false theory that is against Islamic beliefs on creation.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

 

As you know, according to Islam, Allah (swt) created man from clay, which is an entirely different theory to that of Darwin who proposed that man was created as a result of natural selection evolving from small simple organisms to what we are today. Evolutionary psychology proposes the same type of theory, but with relation to our psychological traits as humans, so may will be contested in the same way as evolutionary theory, but Allah (swt) knows best.

 

Be careful of where you draw your information from. Wikipedia, whilst being a very useful resource for information, is not subjected to any kind of verification process and, therefore, can also contain misinformation. So, it’s important to verify for yourself anything that you read on Wikipedia. This is not a bad thing because it encourages you to research matters in more depth. Therefore, you can gain a better understanding of the knowledge that you seek.

 

Finally, as for your OCD, in Islam, this is commonly linked with Shaytaan’s whispers causing the thoughts of anxiety. From an Islamic perspective, the best way to overcome OCD is to protect yourself from Shaytaan which will, in turn, stop the anxious thoughts that you have as a result. To protect yourself from Shaytaan, as well as seeking refuge from Allah (swt) from him, you can do all you can to keep busy in acts of worship that draw you closer to Allah (swt) and, therefore, make you less vulnerable to Shaytaan’s whispers. The closer you get to Allah (swt), the less Shaytaan will have a hold of your intrusive thoughts. He doesn’t like it when people get close to Allah (swt) and so will obviously do all he can to keep them away. Intrusive thoughts can do just this; therefore, engaging in more acts of worship will seek to push Shaytaan away – along with the intrusive thoughts with him.

 

May Allah (swt) grant a cure from your OCD and intrusive thoughts and grant us all the knowledge of Islam.

My husband seems like Mr. perfect in every thing , but after 5 years of marriage I found out that he is watching porn, I feel that he prefers porn than have sex with me. He does it all the time and I am sick of it. I have low self-esteem, this makes it worse. He doesn't know that I know. What should I do? Please Help!



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
It must have been very shocking for you to find out that your husband has been watching porn, the man you hold in such high regards. This must be especially difficult if you have low self-esteem as it certainly won’t do anything to make you feel any better about yourself. Although you say that you “feel” like he prefers porn to sex with you, since you have not actually spoken with him about it, you cannot be sure about this. This idea could likely be the influence of your low self-esteem.

 

One thing you can be reassured about is that what he is doing is entirely forbidden in Islam and so you are quite right to have concerns – concerns not only for yourself, but for him also.

 

Porn can be destructive in any relationship and is a habit he has to stop for both the sake of Allah (swt) and for the sake of your relationship together. The fact that he watches porn is not your fault at all, but his own, so you mustn’t feel responsible or to blame for what he is doing. What he is doing has nothing to do with you not being good enough. He has a problem that he needs to overcome.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

 

It is a very difficult topic to talk about, but if you feel comfortable to approach him about it, then you can do so. Keep in mind that not only are you doing it for your own sake and for the sake of your relationship, but to help him for the sake of Allah (swt) to quit a problem that he will have to answer to Allah (swt) for. Like with any addiction, it might not be an easy one to step out of and will require support to do so. So, if you are confident enough to talk to him about it, then, in sha Allah, he will also be aware that his behaviour is not ok.

 

You can help him to overcome his addiction by being busy with him in more meaningful tasks to keep him away from it. Meaningful tasks such as studying the Qur’an, tafsir, Islamic history, seerah..etc. to heighten the sense of faith and fear of Allah (swt) will protect him from doing any such acts. Additionally, knowing that what he does might cause such great embarrassment might be enough to deter him from watching anymore because as humans, we do tend to run and avoid scenarios that cause embarrassment.

 

It is a difficult topic to talk about, even between husband and wife, so it may be that you do not feel confident to do so. In which case you might seek a way to get someone else to talk to him about it, even on a more casual level (another male of course).

 

Another option might be to give a suggestion to your local imam that it might be a topic to talk about in a Friday khutbah, so the message can get to your husband indirectly. It is unfortunately a problem faced by many in today’s world, so is certainly a topic of importance that should be addressed more publicly.

 

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Don’t be hard on yourself because it is not a result of anything you have done Don’t take responsibility for his poor choices. However, you can support him in overcoming it. Remember the good qualities about yourself and continue to do all the things you love to ensure your self-esteem does not get any lower as a result of the current circumstances.

 

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you, and may Allah (swt) cure your husband from this disease and bring peace and happiness in your marriage.

 

Salam,

Salam. I am a 32 years old woman. I divorced a year ago and have a son. I want to re-marry and recently got a proposal of a single man who says he loves me and wants to marry, but the problem is that his family will not agree. It seems he will have to hide our relationship. In addition, he doesn’t have a good salary, thus he won’t be able to bear my son’s expenses as it is not his duty. So I need to continue working as he cannot support me financially. He also says I will not be allowed to use any media, even mobile phone, and cannot contact my family. He says females are made for the pleasure of males. He has even asked money from me. He threatened me if I didn’t marry him and didn’t give him money, he would come to my home and defame me in front of my family. I’m really depressed. Please guide me. Do you think his demands are right? Are they Islamic? I feel I’m imprisoned and have no value in the society or in the family as a married lady. What should I do? I am not a modern lady; I wear hijab and know very well about my religion, but I don’t know who he is.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

SubhanAllah, from what you are describing here, this does not sound like a good type of person to marry. Certainly, these restrictions that he places on you are not Islamic. I don’t know the man so cannot judge him, that is for Allah (swt), but you know him better than I and can make your own judgements about whether he is the right man for you to marry. I can, however, comment on the things you have mentioned here.

 

Firstly, if the man loves you like he says he does, then he would want you to be happy. Posing such strict sanctions on you that are not part of Islam and threatening to defame you are clearly not going to make you happy and, therefore, will be unlikely to result in a happy marriage.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

 

If his family won’t agree to the marriage right form the onset, then things might be difficult. Of course, marriages can still work without the approval of the extended family, but it places added strains on a marriage.

 

Banning you from media could be a potentially good thing due to the amount of fitna that can and has arisen as a result of social media. But if used responsibly, it can also be very beneficial.

 

As for demanding money from you, from an Islamic perspective alone, it is primarily the maná s responsibility to provide for the family. Any money you earn is yours, you can do with it anything you please, and he cannot take that away from you. If you chose to share it with him, then that is your choice, but if you don’t want, this is ok also.

 

Even outside of the Islamic perspective on the matter, the very fact that he is demanding it form you is another issue of control that he has over you. Allowing him to have such controls over you from this early stage will only set the stage for the rest of the relationship.

 

The same goes for banning you from speaking to your family. Something that again, from an Islamic perspective alone, is not allowed. Even if your family are non-Muslims, he should not be stopping you from seeing them at all. Your parents raised you as a child, and they have rights over you too and by not talking to them you are denying their rights and for him to expect you to do such a thing is not only setting a control on you, but is encouraging you to disobey Allah’s commands on you too. As for the role of the woman to be to pleasure the males, sure, part of the woman’s role is to please her husband, but this is not her only role and should not be at the expense of forsaking contact with her family or indeed the rest of the world.

 

Sister, it’s important to know your worth. Do not think that you should go ahead with this just because you feel you might not get another proposal because you were previously married and have a child. You might feel like you might never receive another proposal, and so you feel you have no choice to go ahead with it, but there are plenty of other good men available for marriage. You need to be confident that as an Allah-fearing woman, with prayer, Allah (swt) will send another man your way if you chose not to go ahead with this proposal.

 

This man has placed you in a position where you feel you have to marry him in order to avoid the shame he wants to place on you if you don’t marry him. These are the acts of a man who is very much trying to control you and is making that clear from the start.

 

You also need to think of your son. Is this the kind of man you would like to see in your son’s life, potentially as a father figure to him? Keep in mind how much boys strive to emulate the male figures in their life.

 

All this said, maybe he has some good qualities too, and it is for you to think about whether these outweigh the negatives that you have presented here. Do you feel like you could live a happy life together? This is certainly a time when making istikhara would be very useful to you in asking Allah (swt) to guide you to make the decision that will be best for you and your son as well.

 

May Allah (swt) guide you to make the best decision that will be good for both you and your son. May He (swt) grant you a righteous spouse that will bring you happiness and contentment in your marriage.

 

Salam,

I am an American woman who reverted to Islam 4 years ago. Alhamdulellah I've been married to a good Muslim man. He is also American but with an eastern background. Thank God, my husband is a really gentleman, he is caring and loving and I love him very much. However, the problem is that he doesn't want me to work. He says that it's haram to mix with male colleagues at work and that he is jealous because he loves me. His income is very good and stable Alhamdulellah that he can afford a good life for us, but I can't imagine staying at home and doing nothing, especially that we don't have kids yet. I used to work since high school days and I'm very active and I love my career. I tried to convince him many times but he insists that I have to stay at home. I really love him but I also feel that he has no right to control my life this way and refuse my own choices. Please tell me what shall I do?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

Alhamdulilah that you have chosen to take the right path in accepting Islam.

 

Alhamdulilah, it is pleasing to read that you have married a good man who is financially stable enough to take good care of you without you needing to work. However, understandably, you feel frustrated that you can’t live the life you once did in terms of your career. Your husband does not want you to work in a mixed environment and, therefore, would prefer you to stay at home. You, on the other hand, feel like you can’t do this, and don’t like the way he is controlling your life. Indeed, the prospect of staying at home doing nothing does not make you feel happy.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

 

Firstly, to take the Islamic perspective, working in a mixed environment is generally not preferable due to the numerous risks of working in such an environment although, in certain professions, certainly in the West, there is no way to avoid it at times. For example, in a hospital where both men and women work, even if a woman only works with female patients, she will likely be on the same team as another man, or have to cross paths with another man at some point in order to get the job done in the interests of the patient. The dangers of working in mixed environments include things such as fornication, potentially leading to adultery, which, unfortunately, commonly take place in such environments, so he is understandably concerned at the prospect of his own wife working in such an environment.

 

Aside from working in mixed environments, there are many other opportunities to work that your husband might be more agreeable with if you talk to him about it. For example, working in a female only environment. You might also consider working from home. These days, with advancing technology, there are many options available to work from home. These are two options that you might look into.

 

Furthermore, given that your husband has a good income and, therefore, it’s not the financial side of things that is an issue, but you being able to get out and about mixing with others, you might consider taking up a hobby that allows you to get out and mix with other women. This would satisfy your need to get out and do something with yourself and not just stay at home feeling unproductive while also satisfying your husband’s desires.

 

Likewise, you might chose to study, do a course to keep your brain working and learning new skills whilst you do not yet have the commitment of children to attend to as well. Doing these kinds of things will enable you to feel more productive again in a way that your husband is happy with, that’s acceptable in Islam as well as keeping you busy and not feeling like you are being controlled. You will feel like you are doing something that you want to do without feeling forced to stay at home doing nothing.

 

May Allah (swt) make you and your husband the coolness of each other’s eyes and bring contentment in your marriage. May He (swt) open up opportunities that you did not even think of before and allow you to do something you want to whilst remaining in line with acceptable Islamic guidelines.

 

Salam,

I'm married to a very good man for 10 years now. We are not blessed with kids because I have some health issues. My husband loves my very much and he used to say that he is happy with our life and that Kids are not a big issue for him. However, I know very well that he loves kids very much and he is very attached to his nieces and nephews. Recently, He started talking about the issue and he asked me if I'd leave him if he decided to get a second wife in order to have kids. I said it's his right but I can't stand the deep wound and pain I'm feeling since this discussion. I love him and can't imagine him with another woman, the mere thought drives me crazy. On the other hand, I can't imagine my life without him if I leave him and I think this would be selfish also. What shall I do? shall I leave him or stay in a polygamous marriage?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

 

This is understandably a very difficult scenario that you are facing. As humans, it’s in our nature to desire to have children. Women and couples who can’t have children or face difficulties in doing so face great pains in being denied this opportunity. You are now also facing the added pain of the potential that your husband is contemplating on marrying another wife in order that he can have children. Like you say, he has the right to do so, but at the same time, you know this will cause you great pain.

 

Even though polygamy is acceptable in Islam under the right circumstances, many women do have a really hard time if their husband chooses to take another wife. So, the feelings you are having whilst thinking about this as an option are perfectly normal.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

 

If he does chose to go ahead with this, at least you are clear on his reasons why. It’s not because he loves you any less or values you any less, but because of his natural desire to have children. So, don’t be hard on yourself that you have done something wrong or tthat you are inadequate for him. If he has another wife, he still has the same obligations to take care of you and love you in the way he always has and is obliged to treat you both equally. So, even though you might be sharing your time, he must still give you the same level of attention and affection. He clearly understands that it would be difficult for you and that is why he has respected you enough to ask you about it first and involve you rather than just going about it behind your back. He is not obliged to talk with you about marrying another woman. I think you can take this as a positive sign that he loves and cares for you very much.

 

If you still feel like you could not cope, talk to him about it before he goes ahead with anything. Let him know how you feel about it. Perhaps, he doesn’t know how much it would hurt you, and if he knew, then maybe he would support you more through it. Perhaps, if you talk more intimately about the situation, you might come to an agreement together; that maybe he will only marry a spouse you feel you will get along with. This is the best situation maybe which will have a role in supporting and raising a child with another wife.

 

Marriage comes with plenty of challenges, each unique to each marriage. This is yours. To this point, you have probably both made sacrifices for each other, some of which will have been very difficult. Understand that having children is very important to him and perhaps the only way he can achieve this in a halal way is to take another wife.

 

If he should choose to go through with it, and you chose to stay and try to make it work, there are plenty of support groups available online for sisters in your same situation that will be able to support and help you through such a difficult time. Sisters who have been through it will have useful tips on managing the situation effectively because there can be many benefits to being in the situation that you might not see right now as you anticipate pain.

 

If you genuinely feel like you could not manage and chose to leave him, then ensure that you have the support of your family and friends during such a difficult time and take care of yourself as divorce is also be another painful option.

 

It’s a very important decision to make and one you need to think long and hard about. Weigh up the potential consequences of staying in a polygamous marriage and those of leaving him. Talk with him about it and what you are going through; let it be something that you work through together as husband and wife that you can support each other. Be open about your feelings and he with his in order to make the best choice. Maybe he will not go ahead with it at all if he is aware how much it will hurt you to do so, but he won’t know this is until you don’t talk to him. If he chooses to take another wife, pray istikhara about your next step and let Allah (swt) guide you to the choice that is best for you.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you ease during this difficult time and guide you to make the best decision that will be pleasing to Him and most beneficial to you in this life and the next.

 

Salam,

Salam Aleikom dear counselor. I have been married for almost 6 years. My husband and I are also 25 now. The issue is that although I like kids, I am afraid to commit myself and have a baby. I feel I, first and foremost, fear of the changes I would go through during pregnancy and the pain of the childbirth. I actually have hypohondria. I am not diagnosed by doctor, but I make a huuge issue of any little thing I find on my body, and I often visit different doctors for different check-ups or with some kind of problem I think I have. You could hardly name a department I havent been although alhamdulillah I have never had any serious issue or operation. I havent broken any part of myself, I havent stayed in hospital. Every time I go to blood test, I get pale, i am shaking out of anxiety, my heart is pumping like crazy which makes the procedure even harder for the poor nurse, but i just cannot help it. Tried to think of Allah, relax, deep breath, nothing works. The nurse needs to talk to me while she is trying to take bood from me, and then I always stay there a couple of minues, they give me water, to calm down. And this is only a blood test!! What's this compared to giving birth! My husband started to talk about having kids, and his family too, but they are patient and understand. I feel like having kids too - but without pregnancy and childbirth. but my husband is very against adoptation. I wish I could move into the hospital for the time of pregnancy so that any problem would happen, they are there to help. I am also afraid that even if my pregnancy will be smooth and everything is fine, my anxiety will cause problems. Maybe because of my anxiety, my body wontt be able to deliver the kid or might hurt him/her! I am really desperate and no idea what to do. I feel even worse as a Muslim as I should have more trust in Allah. I do, but...i just cant help having these thoughts and feelings. Going for a childbirth course would be good idea?



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam dear sister,

 

Firstly, I want to reassure you that most women go through the exact same emotions as you are, especially at the thought of a first pregnancy and childbirth. Adoption is also an admirable option, but does not have to be used as an option to overcome fears of pregnancy and childbirth.

 

Most women fear complications during pregnancy and pain during childbirth. Even sisters who are entirely devout to Allah (swt) and have every trust in Allah (swt) to the highest extent will experience this fear because it is a feeling unknown and the thought of all that happens will inevitably conjure up images of pain. Even beyond pregnancy and childbirth itself, women feel anxious about their changing role as they enter into motherhood and worry about how they will manage.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

 

The best way to prepare for the entire experience is to read and find out as much as possible about the whole experience from beginning to end. This will help you feel more aware of what will happen to your body and plan and prepare ahead, both for the challenges of pregnancy and childbirth as well as a changed life and role as a mother.

 

Specific things that might be most useful to you due to your anxiety are things like what to expect at each stage of pregnancy, including common ailments that might occur at certain stages of the pregnancy and why they happen. This will ease your mind that what you are going through is expected, such as heartburn in the later stages of pregnancy, frequent urination, not as a result of a urine infection.

 

You might also research pain relief options during childbirth as well as having a contact number for your nurse or hospital where you will be taken care of in case you need to contact someone urgently, when maybe you feel something is not quite right. Many hospitals allow you to have a look around their facilities to familiarise yourself with where you will be during labour and their facilities available. This can be a useful service to mentally prepare for delivery.

 

Attending antenatal classes is highly advisable, too, especially the first time, to meet other expectant mothers and to learn about what to expect during pregnancy as well as getting tips for childbirth. Being around others in the same situation can be hugely reassuring and comforting during a time when you are going through such a daunting and new experience.

 

Everyone has a different threshold for pain and will have an entirely different experience of the birthing process. As much pain or discomfort any woman will face, they end up with a beautiful result that will put a smile on their face that shows any pains were more than worth it for the end result. So, perhaps instead of focusing on the negatives such as the pain you might face, just thing about what you are going through it for; bringing a child into this life to love and raise for the sake of Allah (swt). A huge blessing, indeed.

Allah (swt) is the best of creators, and as much as we might think that giving birth is such a huge feat and we couldn’t possibly imagine being sttrong enough to do, Allah (swt) created the woman’s body in such a way that the natural process of labour allows us to do so. And even in the cases of women who struggle with the process, alhamdulilah, medical advances have created options to overcome such difficulties. This can be a reassuring thing to remember when feeling anxious about the process.

 

Pregnancy is a great time to draw closer to Allah (swt), for the sake of your own mental health and anxieties as well as for your unborn child. Keep in mind that in remembrance of Allah (swt) hearts do find rest, and, therefore, engaging in as much worship as possible during this time can be a very good way to anxieties.

 

If you choose to go ahead with trying for a baby, may Allah (swt) make it an easy and straightforward experience for you. Whether you chose adoption or having your own child, may Allah (swt) grant you a righteous child that will be the coolness of your eyes.

 

Salam,

 

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.