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Ask the Psychologyist (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
15 March, 2018

As-salamu Alaikum Dear brothers and sisters

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

The answers will be published soon!

Thursday, Mar. 15, 2018 | 11:00 - 12:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I know this friend of mine for 8 years. Three years back he proposed me and I asked him to approach my parents. His parents are separated and he is not in touch with his father. My parents initially did not accept because of his background but with in a year they accepted. Soon after that, his mom calls my parents(1 and half year back) from Kuwait as she stays there and told she will be coming in few months and will marry us. Since then till date, she says a month and does not come. She is stuck with a legal process and has a travel ban. My parents now have lost hope of this guy as there are a lot of probs with his family and they cant marry us without his mom. However, over time I have developed feelings for him. Now we want to get married and we don't have the option then to wait for his mom to come down. Please suggest what I should do.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand, you have someone you wish to marry and you have known him for 8 years.  Alhamdulillah sister, congratulations on your upcoming marriage insha’Allah!

 

While this should be a happiest and joyous event, there are a few problems as you stated. First, your family was not going to accept him as his parents are separated and his father has lost touch.  How this affects this young man’s practice of Islam and his suitability as a spouse is unknown to me and it is possibly a sign of cultural preferences and traditions rather than Islamic ones as we all stand in front of Allah alone.  With that said I am happy dear sister to hear your family is finally applying true Islamic principles and values when it comes to situations such as your marriage.

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In regards to his mom having a travel ban, did she say how long it might be?  While there seems to be much confusion around your marrying this man, if you both truly want to marry then you should insha’Allah wait until his mom is able to come.  If it is an unknown or if it is very long, I would kindly suggest that you both get married now and have a walimah when she gets here so she may be part of the festivities.  If possible, you can skype her in for the wedding.  While this, of course, is not optimal, it would provide marriage for you both and Islamically, we are to not put off marriage.  Another option would be for you and your family and your fiance to fly to Kuwait and marry however I do not know the financial implications of this or if it is even a possibility. However as his mom has been saying she is coming month after month for over a year and a half, something does not sound right. I am not familiar with the laws in Kuwait but a travel ban this long does not sound right.  I am not sure if it has to do with the separation from her husband-though I cannot see why there would be one or it could be something else.  A year and a half is a long time to be under a ban.

 

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you sit down with your fiance, your parents, and his mom and discuss these options. Please do insha’Allah bring Islamic proofs as to why delaying a marriage is not good nor recommended.  Lastly and most importantly, seek Allah’s guidance in this matter through prayer, duaa, and istakharra prayer.  Perhaps this is a test from Allah in regards to sabr (patience), or perhaps it is time for you both to more actively pursuing your married life regardless of who objects or who can attend.  While this is meant as no disrespect to your parents, as much honor and due respect are accorded to them, it is sometimes a wake-up call for those who seek marriage but find familial obstacles such as you are experiencing. Often times families will go back and forth on dates, details, availability and so on, while the couple who wish to be married, wait and wait till it is sorted out.  This can years! Also, waiting until everyone else figures out what is best for them can lead to despair for the couple, as you are going through now.  Sister, please do insha’Allah seek Allah’s guidance through prayer, talk with your fiance and both your parents about possible solutions.  If none can be found the sister and this man is halal for you and will make a good Islamic husband, I kindly suggest that you do not delay your marriage.  It is, after all,  your lives, and your right to marry.  We wish you the best.

I love a guy and he is 3 years elder. We haven't been in a relationship but I got intimate with him. I am still a virgin. I did it because I loved him and I still love him. I don't want to move on. I don't want anyone except him. We were not even in any sort of relationship. He just calls me his friend and before getting intimate I knew his feelings for me won't change. But I still want him. I made due to get married to him in my namaaz. I know what we did was haram so I started repenting for my sins too. After getting intimate I asked him to start a relationship. I asked him if he can give me a chance? He never answered my that question. A few weeks ago I forced him to give me a final answer because I cannot be his sex toy. I am not that kind of girl. He got frustrated and said no he don't want me as his girlfriend. I got angry and started shouting at him. He cut all his contacts with me. I was the one asking for forgiveness. He forgave me but just because he was angry with me he got into a relationship with some other girl. She is 5 years elder to him. She always forced him to marry her. He always refused. But after fighting with me he all of a sudden made her his girlfriend. I know he doesn't love her. But he always tells me that he loves her and is happy with her. I know he doesn't love her because before fighting with me he used to make fun of her and he also fought with her. He had even blocked her on WhatsApp many times. He used to tell me that she is out of his life but then after fighting with me he brought her back into his life. I don't want their relationship to continue. I want him to marry me. I want us to start a relationship in a halal manner. So I wanted to ask can I ask Allah swt in my dua for their break up?



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session.  As I understand your situation you love a guy but he states you are just friends.  You also stated you did intimate things with him but you are still a virgin.  Now he has cut off all contact with you and is with a girl that he used to talk to (and block) WhatsAppapp.

 

First of all, you stated that “We were not even in any sort of relationship. He just calls me his friend and before getting intimate I knew his feelings for me won’t change”.  So you were and still are aware that his feelings did not and will not change for you.  Sister, if you knew his feelings will not change and he has told you they will not change, why do you still pursue him?  Don’t you feel you deserve a future husband who feels the same way about you that you do about him?  Why would you want someone who does not want you?

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Sister, what is your idea of love?  I kindly suggest that you make a list of all the attributes of love.  What qualities does the man you hope to marry have that would stir feelings of love?  Insha’Allah sister, please make a list of these qualities/idea’s of love.  Next to each word, description or phrase make a check for those qualities that fit this boy you claim you love.  Next, check off qualities attributes that you yourself would bring as a potential wife.  This will insha’Allah give you a clearer picture of what it is your are truly seeking opposed to what you think it is that you want.

 

I understand also that possibly this was your first intimate experience?  Often times when we have our first encounter (even though you are still a virgin) it leads to a chemical addiction (for lack of a better term) to that person.  After all, intimacy is just that right?  Intimate.  Therefore the experience you had with him only imploded your feelings for him by trying in the sexual component.

I kindly suggest dear sister that you look at this situation for what it is-an experience.  Repent to Allah for the haram you did and make duaa to Allah to remove this boy from your heart, mind  and desires.  Value yourself.  You are a beautiful muslima with your whole life ahead of you.  You deserve to be loved back.  You deserve to be respected, but you first need to love and respect yourself.  Love yourself enough to stop chasing this boy and let him go-he does not want to be with you-you even said this.  Respect yourself -chose potential husbands who will treat you as a potential wife, not a temporary sex toy (as you said).  You are valuable and worth more than “play time”.  Move on with your life and draw coser to Allah swt-it is there you will find what you are truly looking for and yearning for.  As you see this is temporary, our relationship with Allah is eternal and comes with many blessings-if we chose to live fully and completely within our Creators guidelines for us.  I know this is probably not what you want to hear my dear sister, but I am praying that one day soon you will have one of those “aha” moments and everything will make sense.  You can’t find love in one who uses you and you can’t force someone to be with you for a lifetime when it was known by both of you to be a hot minute type of thing.  Seek the lasting, not the lust.  You deserve so much better than this.

 

As far as asking Allah in prayer for their breakup…you can ask-but Allah doesn’t “work” that way.  First of all you have no claims on him, it’s not like your married to him and he’s cheating on you.  Additionally you both commit haram-he is probably still committing haram (Allah forgive me if I am wrong) and there is no blessings in that.  Lastly, why do you persist on wanting someone-who does not want you?  That is not the way love or marriage works.  So you can ask Allah for that but I highly suggest that you do not.  It’s kind of like a negative request on someone’s life choices.  I would not even attempt to “play” with my Lord with such a request.  I urge you sister to live in the light of your own growth and relationship with Allah.  Strengthen that-and watch your blessings multiply.  You won’t even remember..whats his name….your in our prayers, we wish you the best.

She is Sikh and we both from the same state, and now she is doing a job in a different state, and I’m studying in a different state. How can I convince her parents, how I tell her that she has to start knowing Islam? I don’t know why I’m being quiet when I try to tell...I just want to keep her in my life as my life partner but in an Islamic way. Please help me I pray all time and asking ALLAH give her guidance. Please pray for us and give me some better solution. Allah hafiz will wait for your reply.



as salamu alaykum,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session.  As I understand, you are involved with a girl who is Sikh.  As you know dear brother, first of all being in a relationship is haram as well as her being Sikh means she is not permissible for you as she is not among those from the books which you can marry.  I kindly suggest that first of all you ask for Allah’s forgiveness (if you have committed haram) and ask Allah to guide both of your hearts.  In addition, you need to cease the relationship.  I realize this will be hard as you both have a bond now, but if you love Allah and seek to please Him-there are often sacrifices.  If you love this girl then you will end the relationship to protect her (and you) from haram as well as illustrate how a Muslim man should treat a woman.  These sacrifices, however, are for our own good in the long run.

 

You asked how to tell her parents that she is studying Islam, or that she should study Islam?  I think what you meant is that she is studying?  If not,  please forgive me.  If this is the case brother and she truly feels Islam is the way for her and she seeks knowledge for the sake of Allah (not for you) then I would kindly suggest brother that you let her learn Islam from the sisters at her local Masjid-as well as tell her parents on her own.  She does not need permission from her parents to study Islam, Allah guides who He will.  As far as her parents,  there really is no need for you to inform them.  This is between the girl, Allah and her parents.  She will tell them (if she does indeed become Muslim) on her own and may Allah bless her on this journey insha’Allah.

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Should she take shahada brother, you may pursue her hand in marriage by approaching her parents.  As they are Sikh they may say no for religious reasons, regardless if she is Muslim (or not).  However, as you are both adults, living away from home and making your own lives in this world-you both have a right to chose whom you will marry.  In your case, the girl must be Islamically correct for you as you know.  I kindly suggest brother that you explain to her why you must end the relationship at this point, explain it is because you love and fear Allah as well as you respect her and do not want to lead her into haram but rather you would like if she continues studying Islam if she so chooses.  You may also want to refer her to some Islamic resources and Masjids in her new area as well.  It will be hard no doubt brother, but insha’Allah everything will work out to both your benefits insha’Allah.   If she is indeed studying Islam, she will understand why you must end a haram relationship and she will insha’Allah appreciate and respect you for standing up for what is right for both of you.  Maybe not right away, but as the light of Islam fills her heart with knowledge, she will truly understand and respect you for your strength to let her go for now.   Make duaa to Allah for her brother, keep her in your prayers that Allah guides her.  Insha’Allah she may one day be your wife insha’Allah, Allah knows best.

My question is, how should a husband react if his wife always exhibit an act of disrespect towards her mother in law and her husband' siblings and she might have been cautioned several times?



as salamu alaykum,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session with your most important question. I am not an Islamic school, therefore, I will address your question from a humanistic perspective which values the treatment of others with honor and respect.  It appears that the wife is unable to control her disrespectful behavior towards her husband, mother-in-law, and her husband’s siblings.  This inability to control her impulses for negative behaviors and words may stem from several things.  This could include a sincere disregard for their feelings as well as feeling animosity towards them.  The question would be-why?  Why does she feel this way?  Did something happen to her that caused her to feel this way?

 

I would kindly suggest that the husband sit down with the wife in a non-threatening manner and ask her why she is so angry towards him and his family.  Finding out the “why” of a behavior is part of finding a solution. While it does not excuse disrespectful behavior, it may help by knowing what is causing it.  Other issues related to disrespect can stem from trauma, depression, self esteem issues, past or current abuse,  or mental health issues.  While the wife may not mean to be disrespectful, but because of her pain and/or anger she is unable to control her internal impulses to lash out.  Cultural issues can also play a part.   What I mean by cultural issues is that what is sometimes seen as disrespectful in some cultures such as direct eye contact, speaking before being spoken to,  disagreeing with an opinion-may not be seen as disrespectful in another culture.   Therefore is it advisable insha’Allah to determine if there are cultural issues to understand as well.

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As the wife has been addressed several times already, either she does not understand what is disrespectful (if she is in a new culture),  she cares but due to her own issues she cannot control it, or, she just doesn’t care.  In any case I would kindly suggest trying to find out why she is disrespectful (in a kind way) as well as explaining to her how it makes (the husband) feel when she is disrespectful.  Often times to actually hear how actions make another feel (hurt, betrayed, etc) may make the person stop and think before they speak.  If possible, explain to the wife that being disrespectful is not a good reflection of her own self esteem and offer to go to counseling with her to help get to the root of her issues that is causing her to act out in this way.  Of course if it is due to cultural differences, you may want to work with her on understanding different customs and ways of responding to others.  For instance, in an ESL class I was teaching a young man always appeared to be upset when he was with his classmates in a group setting.  By talking to him about his feelings I learned that he felt disrespected because his classmates had a habit of talking rather loudly to him (and others) during word games.  In his culture, this was a sign of deep disrespect, however in the country he was living, it was a sign of excitement and enthusiasm.

 

Lastly, until the cause if the disrespect is sorted out, insha’Allah the husband can reach an agreement with his wife that certain things which are offensive won’t be said.  He should insha’Allah convey the families love for her as well as their hurt and sadness when she says things which are disrespectful.  Perhaps insha’Allah this will help her to think and reflect before she speaks.  If she refuses to comply or refuses counseling, the husband may need to disengage her from family functions until a resolution is reached.  The husband should not allow the mother or other family members to be disrespected, just as he should not tolerate the wife  being disrespected.  At this point counseling should be utilized as a condition to save the marriage, for one who is constantly disrespectful will surely tear a home apart.  Insha’Allah it will not come to that.  You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

Assalamualaikum. I'm a 20 years old Muslim girl. One person loves me a lot. He is of the same age as me. He proposed me before 2 years and I rejected as I'm not interested in a relationship. I feel it's wrong to love someone before marriage. But he is not leaving me. He didn't compel me to accept his proposal but he is saying that after 5 or 6 years he will come and ask my father. He said he doesn't want any dowry or anything else. He is ready to accept me the way I am and he just wants a decent girl. He got attracted to my character and loved me. I said him many times to leave me as I am not going to love him back. But he is telling he just wants me to reject other proposals which may come for me since I'm growing up and heading towards a family life and wait for him for 5 years as he cannot talk to my father now without having a job. I can't tell my parents this as I'm afraid that whether they may think me too loves him. But I do not. Although he is a nice guy and he understands me well. I don't have any objection to marrying him if he asks my father. What should I do now? Should I wait for him as he said for 6 yrs?



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session.  As I understand, a guy likes you and you state you do not like him or love him as you feel it is wrong to feel love towards someone before marriage. Sister, while feelings concerning this are neither right nor wrong as they are your feelings, it also can be-for some-that they have a love for each other which is in a halal way and for this reason they wish to get married.  Feeling love for someone can develop from watching them in the community or being in a social gathering and observing their morality, their cheerfulness, or their love of helping others.  It is a good thing.  With that said, it sounds as if you may already feel a love for this guy or you wouldn’t be in a dilemma as to whether or not to wait for him for 6 years, or wondering how to tell your father.  Additionally, you did state “Although he is a nice guy and he understands me well. I don’t have any objection to marrying him if he asks my father” which may be indicative that deep down, you really do have feelings for him,  even though perhaps you are not willing or ready to admit even to yourself.

 

Let’s just say you do not love him, you like him and feel he is an okay person.  Perhaps you are not feeling him like that-meaning-you are not attracted to his appearance, character, nor his Islamic attributes.  Perhaps he needs to stay in the “friend zone” which means that he is not a potential mate.  If so, you must literally cut off all communication with him, sister, and not lead him on.  If he is truly a friend zone type of guy to you, he does need to know this and the way you can get through to him is by not conversating with him at all because if you do continue to lead him on, it is haram as it is deceptive.  Additionally being alone with a guy and talking in this type of context could lead to haram and as you know is not permissible.  By being honest with yourself and him will insha’Allah save you both from much pain and disappointment now and in the future.

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If on the other hand, if you truly respect this guy, find him attractive, of good conduct and morality and Islamic principles and you feel like he is someone you would like to build a life with, then you should take another route insha’Allah.  In this case, I would kindly suggest that you do not put off marriage but rather tell him you would like to marry but that you would like to do so before 6 years.  Six years is a long time sister and a lot could happen in those years.  It is not fair to either of you.   Insha’Allah if he hases, have him speak with your parents about marriage and ways in which you both could make it work despite his current financial status.  While it is strongly recommended and even often required that the future husband be able to support his wife, there are instances wherein young people have gotten married while in college or pursing jobs.  This acts as a protection for both.   On a side note, concerning the dowry, you stated “he doesn’t even want a dowry”.  Actually sister, in Islam the dowry or mahr, is something that the man gives the woman as part of the marriage contract.  You or your family do not give a dowry to him.

 

Aboutislam states “This blessed marital union, known in Islam as nikah, has a few essential components, without which it is not considered complete. One of these is the payment of the mahr or dowry, which is an amount of wealth that the husband pays to his wife.  Paying this mahr is obligatory, because Allah has called it “fareedah” in the Quran and commanded Muslim men to pay it “happily” to their wives”.   As there seems to be some contradiction about who pays dowry,  I do encourage you both to study Islam further in regards to marriage so that if you decide to marry it will be an Islamically correct marriage.

 

Sister, please do take some time to sort out your feelings regarding this guy.  Please try to be honest with yourself about how you truly feel.  This will help you in your decision moving forward.  If there are truly no feelings for him, please by all means cut off communication.  If there are feelings for him that are like love, insha’Allah take the steps towards  preparing for marriage with your parents as a guide.  We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.