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Ask the Psychologist – Counseling Session

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

[email protected]

 

Thursday, Aug. 17, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh. I got married to a man I met February 2016 in October 2016. This man had been married before and has 3 kids 6 to 2 years. I don't have any problems with that. Although I don't have any relationship with them. When I ask him about them he says he doesn't want me to know because he feels I don't like them.Before he married me he said he wanted to marry because I would good to help in his business (literally) due to my educational background and that he saw I was a good girl trying to get better on the Deen. So many times before marriage he would pressure me on why I should marry him. I was reluctant but I prayed to Allah through isthkhara and I got convinced to an extent but not 100%. I assumed I couldn't get it all right. More so after I refused him the first time he asked me, he sent someone who I respected to ask me.But after the marriage, things changed he had hidden some information from me and when I asked he said he didn't want to hurt me.He met me as a virgin and I struggled with intimacy because of the pain and the inexperience. We lived in two different towns when we did our aqdu nikkah( this is all we have done he married his other wife legally and yet to complete the divorce.) so I visited him only weekends. The weekends I couldn't visit he would be so upset and say hurtful things to me. He once didn't talk to me for one whole week because I couldn't come to his place a particular weekend. He made our entire relationship about sex. We eventually moved to the same town in April 2017 and since then it has gone done the hill. I have never been 100% happy with him. I have a health condition that makes me exhausted every time. Whenever he helps me out with any chore in the house, he keeps reminding me and telling me he is doing me a favor and these chores are duties for women and that I am so ungrateful. I feel as if all the things I tried to do were not appreciated just because I was struggling with sexual Intercourse. He gets so angry and is mean to me. He doesn't trust me, it is so bad that when I say I am off salah he snoops around so he is sure I am not just making it up to avoid sex. Because of all these and more, I am now emotionally detached, I don't want him to touch me, I hate sex, I resent this man and I am so unhappy in my marriage. I cry every time, I recently cried for 3hours straight. He has never given me money. I pay some bills in the house because I work. I paid half of our house rent. He tells me, after all, he gives me food and he shelters me. I pay for our medical insurance, I take care of myself, I buy everything I need. I never ask him for money and anytime I mention anything that has to do with finances he always says he doesn't have money. I feel used by him. Even when I cook and serve him he never appreciates it. He doesn't say nice things about women. He tells me I am not even good on the Deen. He always condemns women. I have gotten ill and I have to be in the hospital every month so I am even more emotionally and physically exhausted. He always checks my phone and says he needs to know all the people I am talking to and what I am saying to them. He isn't comfortable with my relationship with my 2 brothers and my mum. He checks my bank notifications, emails and SMS but I don't have access to his phone. He has a password on all his gadgets. I wanted to further my education abroad he said he can't allow his wife live far from him. I feel empty and used. All these is too much for me. What do I do? I don't think I can be happy with him ever. I want a divorce. What does Islam say about such situations? Thank you so much. Looking forward to a response asap. I would appreciate if this isn't publicized. Jazakumllah khairan.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through with your marriage.  As I understand from what you have written, he basically married you because he needed help with his business.  He also is upset with you when he helps with chores, stating it is a women’s duty.

 

Additionally, he doesn’t trust you, he lied to you, kept things secret,  checks your cell phone, bank accounts,  tries to keep you away from your brothers and mom and he says condemning things about women.   He does not support you and is mean and verbally abusive towards you as well as trying to keep you isolated and under his watch.

 

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Sister, from all that you have said, it appears your husband is an angry, controlling man who really does not like women.  The fact that you initially stated he wanted to marry you so you could help with his business is a big red flag.  I don’t know what it is that was good that inspired you to marry him, but nonetheless, you did marry him.  You have a few choices.  The first one is to remain married to him on the condition that he provides a marriage that is based on Islamic principles.  You would have to get this in writing and put it in the form of a contract.  This may be difficult to do at this point, but the first goal is to save marriages.

 

I would highlight a few points insha’Allah such as it is his responsibility to support you and provide for your needs.  Also, marriage is a union that Allah created to instill love, kindness, mercy, and respect among two people.  It seems your husband is severely lacking in these qualities and at this point, I am not sure if he can change or would even be willing to try.  Allah knows best.

 

There are many things backed up by the Sunnah and Qur’an that you could bring to him as proofs as to his poor treatment of you.  One being how the Prophet treated his wives.  The Prophet (PBUH) use to help clean, do chores and mend his own socks!  It is a blessing and in no way are you required to do the household chores, in fact, if you wanted, you could ask him to hire someone to do that.  However, wives usually are happy to keep house, and usually, husband’s do not mind helping.

 

It is a partnership, one that should be joyous.   Another point is his demeaning attitude towards women.  Does he not know that paradise lies beneath the feet of the mother and does he not know that in Islam women are help up in the most highest of esteem?   Sister, it appears that he either does not know Islamic values and principles, especially regarding marriage or he does and is choosing to live a selfish, angry, controlling life.

 

Therefore, you can propose a contract to hold him accountable to Islamic standards and principles to try to save the marriage, however, I am not sure he would take it seriously or regard it in a kind way as he does not respect women, and you are a woman-his wife whom he thinks he owns.  Should you chose this path sister, I would insha’Allah engage the help of a trusted imam to help you draft your rights in the contract.  If he agrees sister, I would highly;y suggests that you both seek marriage counseling as well.

 

Your second option is a separation.  While it does not appear that he will let you leave as he thinks he owns you and appears to be watching your every move, you may again, need to reach out to a trusted imam for assistance as well as your family.  Given his controlling and verbally abusive history with you (and probably his other wife), I would proceed with caution so he does not lash out at you.  Insha’Allah, if you chose to separate, possibly go to your family’s home or rent an apartment and take some time to heal from all of the trauma you have been going through.

 

I would kindly suggest sister that you get counseling to help you along the way.  If you separate, you would still need some form of an agreement (contact) and marriage counseling to ensure insha’Allah that when and if you do get back together, things will be different.

 

The third option, of course, is divorce.  With all that you have gone through and given the fact that he gone against Islamic rulings and principles for a loving, safe and merciful marriage, you have every right to divorce.   Please do think about your options carefully dear sister. You know him best.  You know if he would be willing to change and treat you with loving kindness and mercy, protect you and treat you with dignity.

 

If he will not comply with trying to save the marriage or if you think he will not, I would kindly suggest that you consult a trusted imam regarding divorce.  I would caution you on how you leave, if you decide to, as based on his actions with you know, it could be dangerous.  Please do plan well in advance and set up a safety plan.

 

You are a beautiful, young pious sister.  May Allah swt grant you ease in this situation.  You do not deserve to be treated like this sister.  You deserve a husband who will cherish you, love you, take care of you and show you mercy and kindness.

 

Most of all you need a husband who loves and fears Allah.  Insha’Allah you will have that one day soon-either with him or without him.  There are many good brothers who would feel blessed to have a loving, good wife such as you.  Please do decide soon sister, there is no reason to drag out an abusive, unhappy situation.  You deserve to be happy.

 

You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.


I got divorce recently. As the man, I got married was not responsible enough and he was not supportive in terms of emotions. Whatever happens, he just blames me. He is a person who plans but it is difficult for him to execute.whenever he plans something that will be dropped out due to his mother and sister. And I am a person who doesn't talk much, but he always forces me to change my character to be open. As I don't talk much with his mother. Even her mother is also a person of an introvert. She always complains about me and my family to him which brought a hatred in his heart for me and my family. And he is not a person who talks much, not interested in any anything. Could you explain to me what type of a person he is? He doesn't know much about romance. He told me he used to masturbate before marriage, most of the time he talks very inappropriately. In the society, few of them told he is psycho but I have no proof for it.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear about your divorce as well as the difficulties that you experienced while you were married. You asked if  I could explain what kind of person your husband is and stated your husband was referred to as “psycho.” Sister,  I cannot answer your question as I do not know him and I am not his therapist.

 

For an answer such as you are seeking would require an evaluation by a therapist in his area. Your description of your husband sounds like that of a man who may not be in touch with his emotions, may be angry and resentful as well as a man who let his family run his emotions on a negative point.  However, not knowing all the details it is difficult to determine what may be going on with him.

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As far as what you have “heard” in the community about him being “psycho”, sister this is backbiting and gossip and I kindly advise you to avoid this-and those who are talking about him.  It is a severe sin in Islam as you know.  Regarding his masturbation prior to marriage, it is common even in Islam.  However, sister, it seems that he confided in you and told you, therefore you would be wise to guard his secrets which he trusted with you even though you may feel hurt and angry over how he treated you during the marriage.  Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Sister, as you are now divorced from him, I am wondering why this is an issue for you now?  You should be moving forward with your life and putting this bad experience behind you. This is a part of the healing process. If you are constantly thinking about him, the marriage, his faults and trying to find a reason to have “proofs” as to his mental heath, this is not moving on, it is clinging to a past which can only hurt you.

 

Insha’Allah sister, try to move on with your life by focusing on other things.  Go out with friends for an enjoyable social events. Do things with your family. Take a course at your local community college or take up a hobby. Go to the Masjid for prayer and Islamic events as well as increase your time in worshiping Allah swt. If you feel you cannot get past the hurt that you experienced while married, please do seek out counseling to help you on the path to healing.

 

Insha’Allah dear sister, once you have healed from this prior marriage and are ready to remarry, please do get to know the man you plan on marrying as well as his family. Take your time doing so, and do so in a halal manner (as you know).  It is so important to know as much as we can about the one we intend to marry to avoid situations such as the one you just went through.  Often times people just marry others that they do not even know!  Sometimes this works out fine, but in other cases it does not.

 

It is important to know if you are compatible if one has a mental illness, anger issues, is lazy or otherwise may not be the one for you.  While no one is perfect sister, it is best to know as much as you can about the person you are planning to marry, as well as his family.  This may save you from much pain in the future.  You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

 

You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

 


I don't know where to start. I have lost my hope, my faith, my will to fight any longer. I have made tawba 3 months ago for my sins and since then I am in a constant battle with myself. I have doubts that feel real ( is the Quran real? did the prophet exist?) I am a believer and I do believe but I have this hopelessness today I never had. I used to hold on to Allah but now I am not even sure I know him. I mean I love Allah but today my heart is strange. I can't believe in Allah anymore. I never had this. It is terrible. I talked to almost everybody but no family no friends no Islamic teacher can help me. I need my faith back.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I’m sorry to hear what you are going through sister, truly.  It is a difficult and painful feeling I can imagine.  You clearly love Allah sister, this is evident by your writing to us as well as by your extreme distress over your perceived disconnection from Allah and your doubts.  Sister, at different times in life our faith can go up and down.  This happens for many reasons.

 

I would kindly ask that you look at other areas in your life.  Has your feelings changed about other things such as your parents, school, friends, family?  Do you have enthusiasm and happiness in other area’s of your life, or is your relationship with Allah and your belief in the Qur’an the only aspect of your life that has changed?  Also, please do take a good look at how you are reacting in other situations.  Do you feel depressed, do you feel anxiety, panic?  Are you comfortable in social situations or do you avoid them?  Do you find yourself doubting other things in your life?  Do you ever feel compelled to do things over and over again or display any obsessive compulsive thoughts?  Has any trauma happened to you or a loved one?

 

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Sister, please do examine these questions carefully.  You may want to write them down and look at your responses.  It could be that it is not a spiritual condition but it may be a mental health issue.  Often times when one is depressed it can cause a loss of faith and belief even though the sufferer knows deep down that they do believe and they do love Allah, however, they cannot get out of the depression or sometimes, they do not even know they are depressed.   Another possibility is an obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

 

This is on the anxiety spectrum and can cause one to have repetitive and intrusive thoughts which the person cannot control.  While I cannot diagnose you sister and I am not saying that you do have these disorders, I am recommending that you seek out counseling from a counselor in your area to rule out the possibility of these issues and others that may be the cause of your spiritual distress.

 

After you have written down your feelings and responses, please do speak with your parents about how you are feeling.  Bring your writings if needed so you will have a clear concept of what may be going on so you can present to them a concise description of how you are feeling.  Insha’Allah, inform them you would like to go to counseling to get to the root of your issues.  If you do suffer from depression, OCD, anxiety or other mental health issues, it can be resolved insha’Allah.  Many people-in fact millions suffer from these disorders, they are common sister and they can, in fact, affect our spiritual connection through no fault of our own.  Our responsibility, however, is to get help and over come any obstacles that impair our lives sister.

 

Please do make a list of what you are feeling if you have experienced any trauma, when this “disconnection” began, as well as notate any other signs, symptoms in other area’s of your life.  Please do contact a therapist for an assessment and if needed, counseling and treatment.   As you have talked to others including an imam and it has not helped, please do get a mental health assessment insha’Allah.

 

Until your appointment for an assessment, continue to strive to stay close to Allah through prayer, dhkir and reading Qur’an even though you may not “feel” it.  If thoughts come to you that are contrary to what you know in your heart, picture a big red STOP sign in your mind to halt these thoughts and doubts.  Know that Allah loves you sister despite how you are feeling right now.

 

You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.

 


Salaam, I want to get married to my boyfriend and he wants the same. Our parents aren't that satisfied with each other so the thing I want to do is either secretly get a nikkah or something that relates to a nikkah or an engagement which I can promise him that I will marry him and only him & he feels the same. So what shall I do? Just get engaged or is there something that relates to a marriage ritual. Thank you!



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear that both your parents are not satisfied with the fact that you want to marry.  Parents often have preconceived criteria concerning who they want their child would marry and why.  Some of the criteria may be based on Islam, but a lot of it may be based on tribal-cultural customs which is not relevant in Islam.  For instance, a parent may want their child to marry someone who comes from a wealthy family, or desires a spouse for the child that makes a certain income or a spouse that is from their tribe or ethnic background.

 

These are a few examples and they are not valid.  In Islam, marriage is permitted between two people who are halal to each other.   In the Qur’an (1) it states “And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing”.   It mentions nothing about marrying within one’s own tribe, nor ethnic background, nor does it mention you have to be wealthy.

 

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While I do not know the reasons for your parent’s denial, if you both are Islamically halal for each other there should be no reason why you should not marry.  Marriage is a safeguard and it is the Prophet’s (PBUH) sunnah.  I would kindly suggest that you both sit down with your parents (separately) and discuss your reasons for wanting to marry; highlight the positive and Islamic traits of one another as well as point out hadiths and Qur’anic proofs supporting your marriage.

 

To have any affect upon your parents dear sister, you must approach them in a mature and respectful way as I am sure you are doing.  Please do write down your thoughts and proofs before talking with them so that your conversation is in order and you are prepared to address any of their concerns.  Be prepared to discuss how he will support you, where you will live, how you will finish university education if that was your plan as well as any other issues that they may have.  Lastly sister, please do examine their reasons carefully, are any of them valid based on the Qur’an and sunnah?

 

You both have the right to marry. While your parents cannot prevent you from marrying it is best to have their blessings and to be on good terms with them.  It is the best way to start out married life, though it does not always happen this way as you can see.  The other option is to get them to agree to an engagement.  While this is not promoted among some scholars, it may be an option to give both of your parents more time to get to know each others families and adjust to the idea.  Please be aware that during the time of engagement you are not married yet and the Islamic rules of not being alone together and not committing haram acts still apply.  It may be difficult sister, thus the reason for recommending marriage rather than a prolonged engagement.

 

With that said, secret marriages are haram sister and I encourage you not to do that.  If you did a marriage in secret it would be going against Islamic principles as well as putting you both in the position to have to lie to cover up your marriage, thus you would have a sin of being liars.  I am sure that is not what you want.

 

I would kindly suggest that you speak with your parents again as outlined above.  If they are still resistant, and there is no Islamic reason why you should not marry, please do insha’Allah consult with an imam to see if he will marry you and if so, how to go about it in regards to a wali and witnesses.  While you may not have your parents blessings, perhaps in time both families will come to accept your marriage and be supportive.  By doing things in a respectful and Islamic way sister, both you and your possible future spouse will insha’Allah gain many blessings from Allah.  As marriage is an important and lifetime commitment insha’Allah, you want to start out your marriage in a good way.

 

We wish you both the best, you are in our prayers.

1-https://quran.com/24/32

 

 

 

 


Assalamu'alaykum. Regarding my previous question about confidence and arrogance, I thank you so much for clearing the matters to me. This in an extra question because I feel like I want an explanation from you. I am very happy with the talent Allah has blessed me and it makes me feel like I have something special. In some occasions, I feel jealous of what people have, but I'm grateful enough for what Allah gave me. Sometimes when I see other people can make a better poetry or make a better painting, etc., I would think that I want to be that good so I am motivated to do more. Does this mean that I feel superior from other people? What should I do? Please be patient in explaining it to me. Jazakallah.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing into our live session. I would kindly ask dear sister that you analyze what you are feeling. For instance, when you say you feel  “Jealous” does that mean you feel anger towards that person and wish they did not have that talent or attribute? Or does it mean that you admire them and seek to attain the level of ability that they have?  Sister, there is nothing wrong with seeing a good thing and striving to attain that level of skill or goodness.

 

For instance, perhaps you were to see a sister who was always doing charitable acts in the community out of the goodness in her heart.  You may think”oh she is so kind and loving and helps others, I wish to strive to do these things as well for the sake of Allah and because I care to make a difference and help others” or you could think “who does she think she is?  I can do better than her…”

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Or if you see someone who produces an excellent piece of poetry (as you described) do you feel inspired and curious and want to learn different styles and techniques from this person and use the experience as a learning tool, or do you feel angry at the person and feel you can do it better?     These illustrations are the difference between jealous and envy versus inspiration and appreciation.  This will also help you determine if you are acting out of arrogance or out of true appreciation and inspiration.

 

I encourage you to examine your feelings more closely sister, perhaps by keeping a journal of your thoughts and reactions in these situations.  Also, write down why you feel a certain way.  For example, your friend wrote a very good poem and won an award.  Do you feel happy for her-if so why?  Or do you feel angry and upset?  Write down at least 4 reasons why you feel this way and examine them in the light of your own self-esteem as well as in terms of fairness.  Also, examine the character and ways of our beloved Prophet Mohammad (PBUH), how would he feel and respond in this situation?

 

By keeping a journal of your reactions and feelings this will  insha’Allah aid you better in determining what exactly it is you are feeling and why. It will also help you to see areas which you need to work on such as self-esteem issues, anger issues as well as abilities in communication such as expressing appreciation for what others have or can do.

 

This is an important sister as everyone can use encouragement and appreciation for their efforts and skills.  When you do something good, such as complete a difficult task, or write an exceptional piece of poetry, isn’t it always nice to hear “what a wonderful piece of poetry, that really inspired me” or “ wow, that was great, how did you create such an appealing flow with difficult words?”

 

Sister, we are all born with special gifts, skills, and talents.  Some people naturally flow with their talents as they were nurtured along the way.  Others have a harder time.  This does not make one better than another.  It just means that we all need to encourage one another as we all have skills to learn and develop, some more so than others.   What also matters,  is that we utilize these gifts in a positive manner.

 

Some people have not yet learned about their talents and gifts or have been put down and told they are useless thus they have not stepped into their full abilities because of low self-esteem and self-doubt.  There is nothing wrong in seeing a good thing and striving to attain to that level of goodness sister, as long as it is for the right reasons.  Again, if you keep a journal of your reactions and feelings, this will  insha’Allah aid you in determining if you are feeling jealous/envious or your are coming from a place of true appreciation and inspiration. It is my feeling you are truly admiring and appreciating the work of others and seek to improve your skills.

 

This is a good thing sister because this is a place of feeling wherein inspiration to do better comes from.  As Muslims, we should all see the gifts and talents in our sisters and brothers, be happy for them, learn from them and strive to do better.  Life is a continual process of learning and growing.  If you are happy for others abilities and achievements, you will find much greater happiness in yourself as well!


I am a convert to Islam and converted while in Afghanistan as a US service member. My wife's family knew I am in the military prior to us being married and she is from a Muslim family. They have never expressed any bad feelings towards myself or my job but recently after being married nearly 2 years told my wife that every night they pray that all US soldiers get die, I am assuming they mean myself as well. This is affecting my wife emotionally. I always wanted good relations with a Muslim family but it seems impossible now with in-laws. My question is whether or not it is permissible to cut off ties with my wife's family? They are the only Muslim family that I have and she thinks they will get over it all but I am skeptical.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear that your wife’s family is experiencing hateful feelings, dear brother, but as in most cases, hatred comes from a deep place of either fear, sadness or trauma from the target of hate.  With that said, as you are in Afghanistan as a US service member perhaps they have experienced harm, abuse or other devastating things by some US military and or it’s presence.  Perhaps not them personally, but maybe their friends, community or country in general.

 

Brother, it is a complex situation in Afghanistan as you know, and and the people of Afghanistan are caught up in what seems to be a never ending the war with many causalities.  The Guardian (1)  states that  “the authors of such tales face a serious question: how come the Afghan people defeated the Soviet Empire only to end up being occupied by America? “   These sentiments along with many causalities from drones, bombs as well as other types of interventions which have disastrous effects, can affect the way Afghani people feel about US military presence.

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As you stated your wife’s parents expressed hatred towards US military, how do they treat you, brother? When you asked your wife’s parent’s for their permission to marry their daughter, what was their response? Surely they saw the good of you brother and knew you would make a good husband for their daughter regardless of their feelings for the US military.

 

While it is hard not to personalize what they said about “praying for all US soldiers to die” please do understand that this statement is reflective of the deep pain and perhaps loss they feel and is not directed towards you but an expression of their grief.  If this were the case, they would not have permitted you to marry their daughter.  According to your question you did say that they have never expressed bad feelings towards you or your job, however, this does not nullify how they feel in general about what is happening in their country.

 

As you are married to their daughter, they must have seen much greatness in you to trust you with their daughter as her husband. This is an honor in Islam. I would kindly suggest dear brother that you not take their statement to a personal level and try to understand that as ugly as this situation is, Allah did bless you to become Muslim, to marry a pious Muslim wife as well as have a Muslim family.

 

They do not hate you brother, they hate what is going on which is harmful to them, their families and community, which is not under your control.  Yes, you are in the military, but you are also a Muslim now, meaning you have a deeper understanding of what is just and permissible for human kind as well as how to conduct yourself in every day life and work according to the foundations of Islam.  As Muslims, we are tested with various things in this life brother and this may be a test for you as well.

 

As you know, it is haram to wish death upon anyone. We are to follow the ways of the Prophet Mohammad’s (PBUH) life and learn about his life and how he handled different situations. With this said I highly encourage you to read the book “The Sealed Nectar”  which illustrates how the Prophet (PBUH) lived, his experiences, trials, successes as well as his way of handing adversity.

 

I would suggest that you continue to treat your in-laws with loving kindness brother, thus illustrating your ability to rise above their painful statements and continue to show love to them as a Muslim. You may wish to talk with them about their feelings to gain a deeper perspective as to why they would say that and seek to use this situation to bring everyone closer as a family.  This would also give you an opportunity to express your feelings regarding your love and dedication to their daughter, to them and to the Islamic tenets of peace and justice in society.

As you are a revert to Islam and have knowledge of Islamic principles such as peaceful and loving relations, I encourage you brother to seek to continue to keep your family close to you. This may mean hearing painful things from time to time-but it is coming from a deep place of pain. You are their son in-law now. To seek to cut them off would be most contrary to Islam as it is forbidden to cut off family members. Additionally, by cutting them off it may validate their fears and reinforce their feelings of hate towards US military, as you have abandoned them.

 

Please do assure your wife that you understand that they are in a place of pain and fear and that you as a human and as a Muslim understand how and why they may feel that way,  as well as their right to their feelings but that you do not take it personally.   Please insha’Allah, explain to your wife that by continuing to strive for good relations with her family that you are building solid bridges of trust, understanding as well as honor.  Most importantly, you are pleasing Allah.  Your goal dear brother is to take care of your new family in a loving manner and try to rise above their pain and not take it personally.

 

I do understand it is hard for you, of course, we feel pain and rejection when things like that are said, but understanding the content in which it is said and meant is vital.  By taking this approach, insha’Allah there will be many rewards.  Make duaa to Allah dear brother to grant ease in this situation and to guide you.  We wish you the best brother, you are in our prayers.

 

1-https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/nov/21/afghans-see-america-cowboys-enemy-partner

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