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Ask the Psychologist (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
16 March, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

Thank you for submitting your questions. We sincerely hope you found our counselor’s answers beneficial.

If you have any question you have never dared to ask, related to mental health, relationships, marriage, or parenting, feel free to send it to [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous!

Tuesday, Mar. 21, 2017 | 10:00 - 12:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I have problem with social phobia. Can you tell me ways to overcome it because I have read all articles and none seems to help. I developed this fear 4 years ago, now I can't even answer questions confidently. Please respond to my enquiry.



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear brother,

As you have read many articles on social phobia, you probably know a lot about the condition, what causes it, and how to overcome it. My question for you is, have you ever put in action the steps to actually address your social phobia?

As you may know, one of the keys to overcoming social phobias is to relax. I would kindly suggest that you practice relaxation techniques at home and utilize them when you are in a public situation. While you are home, you may want to sit comfortably in a chair and imagine yourself in a social setting. Instead of feeding into the panic and anxiety which may begin to flood your thoughts, imagine yourself in the setting relaxed, confident and happy. I would kindly suggest doing this several times a day until you begin to retrain your thought into positive ones.

As you have built up the fear for four years now, it might take some time to cognitively change the way you think – the way your brain is wired to feel when you are in social situations. Therefore, in sha’ Allah, by relaxing, picturing yourself as a calm, confident young man, you will become that as your cognition slowly changes to that of a calm, confident image. While you are doing the relaxation imagery, practice with conversations. It may feel awkward at first as you will be talking to yourself, asking yourself questions and then answering them, but this will give you practice for when you go out.

Realize that most of the time when someone asks a question, they are not focusing on you entirely; they are formulating in their head what their response will be next! So, do not fear blunders in questions as they may go unnoticed. Everyone at one time or another makes mistakes, blunders in conversations.

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Also, deep breathing and doing dhzkir (silently if needed) in stressful situations can relax the mind and sooth the fears.

After you have mastered the relaxation, seek out social situations in which you can try out your new skills. Start with going to a small gathering. Keep a log of your time out. When you leave your home, visually go to your images and feelings that you have been practicing, the ones of you being calm, relaxed and confident. Start with maybe 15-30 minutes and each week build up the time by 10-15 minutes.

Remember also, you are never trapped; you can leave when you want and you are in control. When you go out, if you begin to feel uncomfortable, instead of focusing on how you are feeling, focus on something external in your environment. Maybe the design of a chair or the color of a wall. By focusing outward, you are removing the “looking glass” away from yourself and putting the focus elsewhere.

Ask people questions about themselves. This takes the focus off of you. Ask them about their job, how is their family, did they see any new movies and so on. Again, this will take stress off of you as the person you are engaged with will be doing most of the talking. This is also a way to make friends, and we naturally begin to feel more comfortable around those we consider friends.

Lastly, dear brother, please remember that we are all human and no one is perfect at social interactions. It is a learned response. I do not know what triggered your social phobia, but it can be undone. It will just take some dedication, patience, and leaving your “comfort zone.”

If these tips do not show some progress within a month, I would suggest seeking out the help of a counselor in your area who can further assess your needs and develop a more in-depth treatment plan to help you overcome your social phobia. As many, many people suffer from social phobia and have overcome it, I am confident that you can too, in sha’ Allah. 

You are in our prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.

Salam,

Please what is the cause of anxiety, restlessness and fear especially in the night? This is despite keeping to daily adhkar.



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum,

Anxiety is a common disorder affecting millions of people of all ages, ethnicities, socioeconomic statuses and so forth. In other words, it doesn’t discriminate.   Restlessness in the night is also common, but tends to affect children and the elderly more so. Fear, however, may be related to the anxiety itself (as may be the restlessness) or it may have a separate etiology.

While you did not include details such as how long this has been going on, if any events triggered it, if you are otherwise healthy, or what kinds of symptoms you are having, I would kindly suggest that you start a diary or log book and write down how long has it been going on, has it gotten worse. Write down symptoms such as difficulty breathing, feeling faint, pounding heart and so on. Please also notate if you take any medications or use recreational drugs. It is also important to document if you hear voices or see things during these episodes.

Regarding the fear, in sha’ Allah, please try to pinpoint exactly what it is that you are fearful of. Is it the dark? The ticking of a clock? A memory? Worries? If you can identify what it is you are afraid of, you can begin to address that fear. Before you go to sleep (I am guessing that this is when it occurs), please write down any thoughts you may or may not have prior to going to bed. Keep this journal for about a week or two and see if there are any patterns which the fear/anxiety/restlessness follows and if there are any preceding factors.

For relief, I would kindly suggest that you try relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive body relaxation, and positive self-talk and having a calming caffeine-free cup of tea before bed.  There are many more excellent stress-anxiety reduction techniques online, please do explore your options.

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Also, reading Qur’an, and doing dhzikr, in sha’ Allah, will help bring a peaceful, calm state of mind. If the situation continues despite your efforts to remedy it, I kindly suggest that you seek out the help of a counselor in your area who can assess you and develop a more concise plan of action based on your individual symptoms. Remember, though, anxiety is a very common disorder and it is my feeling that the restlessness and fear are part of the anxiety symptoms which you have been experiencing. A good counselor can identify this and develop a treatment plan which will address and alleviate these issues, in sha’ Allah. Additionally, please see your doctor to rule out any health disorders which may be causing this. Ask for a complete physical examination and please mention the symptoms you have been having.

Regarding your original question: “What is the cause of anxiety, restlessness, fear at night”; there are many. Things such as  stress at work, home or school, a traumatic life experience,  being abused; childhood trauma; health problems-imbalance of hormones or brain chemistry (abnormal levels of certain neurotransmitters) are among the few causes.

Researchers have found that anxiety disorders tend to run in families. You may want to talk to family members to see if anyone else in your family is or has suffered from this. As your symptoms occur mainly at night, it could be that you experienced a traumatic event during the night as a child and your subconscious is telling you that at night “it’s not safe”. Or, you could be experiencing anxiety, fear and restlessness due to a sleeping disorder. The only way to find out fir sure what the cause of your anxiety, fear and restlessness is, is to get evaluated by a doctor and assessed by a counselor.  In sha’ Allah, you have a simple case of anxiety which causes the other symptoms and like millions of others worldwide, it can be treated once diagnosed.

We wish you the best. Please let us know how you are.

Salam,

As-Salamu Alaikum. How can I control myself when I am speaking to my family when they are always raising, shouting, and screaming at each other? My family interacts this way almost each day. I always try my best to speak to my family in a nice manner, but sometimes I end up using my voice at them for not understanding me.



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important question. Habits are often hard to break and it sounds as if you got into the bad habit of yelling (raising your voice), screaming as a means of communication. Perhaps you may automatically feel this is the only way to be heard, or the only way to get your point across; however, just the opposite is true. Additionally, as your family utilizes yelling and screaming, it may seem only natural to you to do the same although you know it is not a good way to express yourself.

When we yell and scream all the time, people get use to that mode of talking. More often than not, they will not hear what you are saying and likely focus on what they are going to say in response while you are yelling. It is like the mother who yells at her child.  At first the child may be startled and listen, but after a few times of being yelled at or screamed at the child gets use to it and will typically ignore the screaming. People oftentimes tune out those who yell and scream as it is unpleasant.

I would kindly suggest, dear sister, that before you speak you count to ten, breathe in and out slowly, and gather your thoughts. When you speak, picture a huge yellow sign in your head with a screaming baby. This visual should act as a deterrent to automatically scream and yell and give you time to decide to speak in a normal tone of voice.

Try keeping a daily log of the number of times a day you communicate through screaming and yelling and the number of times a day you refrain from it. Keep this log for a month. At first try to stop entirely. If you can do so for a month, the habit will be broke. Researchers found that it takes about a month to stop a bad habit. If you find you cannot go through a whole day without reacting with yelling and screaming, then in your log book set up a number of times you are “allowed” to slip up. Each week cut the number down by 1.  Say, on week 1 you give yourself four times to slip up that week.  Then next week you will give yourself three times. In this way, you are retraining your mind how to respond as well as exerting self-control.

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Lastly dear sister, if there are classes in your area in communication, please consider taking them. It doesn’t have to be long drawn out classes, but often community and counseling centers offer classes in communication for families and individuals who experience difficulties with communicating with one another. Actually, they are very interesting and you may learn a lot of things about effective communication which you did not know before. I once took a class in public speaking which included how to communicate effectively and I was surprised at what I learned.

Another helpful tip is that when you are silent or speak softly people tend to listen, especially if they are used to screaming and yelling. The one who is silent becomes a mystery and people want to know what is in your mind. Those who speak softly may command a quiet room as others must be quiet to be able to hear you. It is human curiosity. With some efforts, self-control and awareness, sister, I am sure that in a short time you will be able to stop reacting with inappropriate communication. Please let us know how you are doing.

You are in our prayers,

Assalamu'alaikum. I know this man from a Muslim matrimony website. He is from a different country with me. I know he is a pious and good man inshaAllah. One day he confessed to me that he's married. He got married when he's 19 and it was arranged marriage. And not yet blessed with kids because there is some issues with his wive's health, now they have been married for 10 years. He asked me do I want to accept his proposal to become his 2nd wife. He promised to treat us equally because he doesn't want to get burnt in hell. I know it is allowed in islam to do polygamy. I don't want to say haraam for something that actually halal. He's also a potential husband inshaAllah. But I am thinking about social norms, plus I am thinking about the feeling of his 1st wife, although he said he already discussed with her about having 2nd wife, and his wife is OK with that. I can't imagine how would be her feeling in our wedding night, or what if inshaAllah me and that man blessed with kids, what would be her feeling?, it is about my common sense. Plus i don't know what would be the reaction of his family. and his in-laws since their marriage is arranged marriage. (he actually told his sister and mother, and they say OK with that). And of course I am thinking how if my family refuse the proposal. Please enlighten me, and give me some advices. Jazakumullah for all the admin teams. Wassalamu'alaikum



As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

As you met this man on a matrimonial site and have not yet met him in person, you really do not know much about him, except what he has told you. The fact that he did not tell you from the beginning he was married is a red flag. Usually, on matrimonial sites there is a box to check stating if you are single, divorced, widowed or married. Which box did he check? If he checked single or divorced or widowed, he lied. That is not being pious or good sister; hat is being deceiving.

Usually when men are married, they check the married box if they are honest and their intentions are pure. You need to ask yourself, why would he lie about this? And, if he lied about this, what else is he lying about. It is not a good way to start a conversation about something as important as marriage.

Sister, why has he not married a woman in his own country in 10 years? If this marriage was arranged, why was not another one arranged if having children was not possible through his wife?As he is from a different country, could he be interested in marrying you so that he can come to your country where his opportunities may be better? If so, this is not a reason to marry and many marriages end up horribly based on this.

Or if you are going to his country, how do you know you will be treated with loving kindness? What if you get there and he is not what he portrayed himself to be and he won’t let you leave?  Anyone can say they will treat you good because they are “afraid of burning in hell”. People say all sorts of “pious” things just to get what they want.

I would kindly suggest sister that you take a very serious look at how this “relationship” got started – on a lie about his marriage status. With that said, I can only advise you to not consider this proposal. 

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If you do, however, I would kindly suggest that you and your family act with extreme caution. You and your family should speak with him, his wife, his parents as well as the imam at his masjid to see just what type of a Muslim man he is. Because of the distance and not having met him or his wife in person, there are too many unknowns and too much room for manipulation. If your parents are interested in this proposal, I would highly suggest that your parents go to his country with you to meet him, his wife and his parents. Should he actually check out favorably, which includes his wife agreeing and being happy with him taking a second wife (while it is not mandatory she agrees, she can make your life hell if she is against it) as well as his family being righteous people, then you will not have to worry about all the concerns you wrote about as his wife will be supportive of all that is entailed in this marriage.

Sister, there are polygamous marriages that work very well. However, they work well because everyone is on board with the concept; the wives are generally nice to one another and get along, the man follows the ways of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saw) in the treatment of his wives and, thus, several women are happily married to the same man. It can be done, and it can be very beneficial and loving for all involved.

However, in this case, he was not honest from the beginning. It seems he kept it secret, chatted you up until you caught some feelings for him, and then told you – after he gained your trust and interest. Basically he deceived you. Do you want to marry a man who deceived you from the beginning? The Prophet (saw) had several wives and not once did he say to them prior to marriage “I’m single” or tell them later “Oh by the way, I’m married”.  Our Prophet (saw) was honest and fair in all his dealings.

Sister, I am not trying to dampen your spirits, but what I am trying to do is get you to look at this from another angle. If you had written that you met a married man who asked you to be his wife, I would have a different response. But because he came to you as a single man, and got your attention, and then told you he was married, I am not comfortable with suggesting that you marry him. You are still young and you will meet many others who will be truthful about their intention and their marital status. In sha’ Allah sister, if you make du’aa’, trust in Allah (swt), and be patient. In sha’ Allah, Allah (swt) will  send you one who has a pure intention who doesn’t use the “hook and sinker” type of game and is truly for you – married or not.

We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

Salam,

Assalamualeykum. I would like to ask for advice regarding to some problems in my family. My parents are from Turkey but my father was one of the guest workers in Germany so after marriage they moved to Germany and my three siblings and I were born there. My father is a pride person he gives utmost importance to education and physical health. However, he has a very low emotional intelligence therefore we all suffer from emotional childhood neglect. He had many difficulties in life and was often betrayed and disappointed by relatives and friends although he always helped them financially. He sacrificed his health and worked so much so that his children could get a good education and a good life. We all are grown up and educated. My elder brother was sent back to Turkey when he was a young teenager as he was not successful enough to get into a good high school, my father could not accept this and he forced him to go to a high school in Turkey. My brother was very upset and this left a huge scar in his heart. I'm sure he felt abandoned and that my father does not love him. Even after he came back to Germany a few years later the relationship between him and my father has been always bad. I remember for a long time they did not even talk to each other. My brother was rebellious and my father never understood him he only yelled and blamed my mother for everything. My mother is usually silent because my father always yells, blames and humiliates her. She is always patient but plays her role as a helpless poor person. My brother finished university and found a work alhamdulillah. He is almost 30 now and he wants to marry a girl whom he knows about 8 years. The girl waited for him so long and also finished her studies. However my father refuses to accept her and the only reason is that she is from a particular city in Turkey where the people are generally living according to their desire and are not very religious and that she is not wearing hijab. He thinks she is a bad girl and her family are of those who wants to celebrate their wedding with loud music and dancing which is against Islamic traditions. But my father uses religion just as an excuse. He does not even know the girl nor her family. His assumptions are completely based on prejudices. Through my mother he put the conditions to the girl to wear hijab when she is in his presence and that he doesn't want such a wedding. My sister and me met the girl before although she is not wearing hijab she is a decent girl who prays 5 times salah and fasts in Ramadan. She is not the most pious Muslim but she is at least more religious than my brother. I don't know how she felt when she was demanded those conditions. It is not right to force one to wear hijab. My brother is already depressive and because of this situation his mental health is getting worse. My father is not able to think rationally and reasonably anymore, he has also depressive, obsessive compulsive and paranoid symptoms. I don't know how I can help. My father is so stubborn and has to be right all the time. He never listens and never pays attention to our feelings. I'm sure he only wants our best however he loses his children because of this behavior. My brother doesn't talk to him anymore and he has anger and revenge feelings because he was never respected in his decisions by my father. The atmosphere at home is very serious. Everyone is drowning passively in depression. My brother had to go to the emergency because he had extreme high blood pressure caused by stress. He is 30 years old has heart problems and takes antidepressants and blood pressure medicine. How can we as siblings help him? How can we persuade my stubborn and ignorant father? I'm aware that delaying and preventing marriage opens the door to many grave sins. I feel sorry for my brother and the girl. They are still in contact and despite all these accusations the girl wants to marry my brother. Please advise me in this desperate situation. Thank you very much.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your concerns. I am sorry to hear that your father suffered many hurts and hardships from relatives and friends. Perhaps that is why he put emphasis on education and physical health and according to you “he has a very low emotional intelligence; therefore, we all suffer from emotional childhood neglect.”  Oftentimes people who start out emotionally healthy become damaged and either unable or unwilling to become emotionally involved, even with family due to the fear of getting hurt. While this is not a healthy way to live, the person who detaches emotionally usually does so either consciously or sub-consciously as a defense mechanism. They are trying to protect themselves.

It is sad that your brother had to go back to Turkey. I sure it had a devastating effect not only on him, but your whole family including your father. While your father may have appeared to not care, the fact that he did not talk to your brother, or your brother to him states otherwise. Often times when those who love deeply are hurt or angry, and they often retreat to silence as the pain is too deep to express.

It is even sadder that your mother has become perhaps the biggest victim in all of this as she is yelled at, humiliated, blamed and has basically been abused by your father and his own frustrations and pain.  This is unacceptable sister and I would highly suggest that you propose to your mom (and your dad if you feel he would be open) that you all go for family counseling to sort out this pain and dysfunctional style of family life. 

As far as your brother is concerned, alhumdulillah he graduated from the university. He is 30 years old and despite still wanting to please your family, he should be encouraged to marry this girl as soon as possible and to not wait. Cultural preferences or tribal disputes are not reasons for withholding a marriage between two people who are striving to do right, to get married and please Allah (swt). If you are the only one who will encourage him, please do so.

As your brother has probably been under stress since he went to Turkey, and as the issues with your dad were never resolved, no wonder he is having health problems and is depressed. When the desire to marry was announced and not fully and joyfully accepted, this adds more stress and depression to the whole situation. I would encourage him to continue to see his counselor, move ahead with the marriage plansdespite your father’s objections, and make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) that your father also gets the help he needs to overcome his mental health issues. If he has a family member, friend, or an imam whom he respects and trusts, perhaps your mom can arrange for him to speak to your dad about his concerns regarding the marriage. I know this is a touchy situation, but your family needs intervention as soon as possible.

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You stated your father is now becoming paranoid and displaying OCD symptoms. Sister, this is an exacerbation of his lifelong mental health issues he already had. As it is getting worse, he needs to be evaluated. You may want to check out your local Islamic community for family services/support, or if there are not any available, find local community services in the town/city you live in. Ask to speak to a family counselor or counselor yourself to see what could be the best approach to take.

Things sometimes get worse before they get better, sister, so maybe this is the point wherein your father will have to come to terms with his own mental health. You may want to talk with him explaining that you love him and that you know he values health and that you have noticed that he is stressed. Kindly suggest that he sees a doctor. Offer to go with him, if needed. While he has his pride, he may appreciate your concern.

Stay close to Allah (swt), sister, make du’aa’ that Allah (swt) grant ease for your family.  Allah (swt) is our ultimate healer and He (swt) knows best.

You are in our prayers sister. We wish you and your family the best, and please let us know how things turn out.

Salam,