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You Asked, Our Psychologist Answered (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
14 May, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the questions and answers.

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The service is completely anonymous!

Monday, May. 14, 2018 | 12:00 - 12:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I am having dream about my in-laws who were the main cause of me and my husband to separate and he hasn't got contact with me for year neither has his family but no mention of divorce but I am having dreams about them trying to make me fit in the family and husband just staring at me and stuff.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am not sure I understand your question, but I will do my best.  As I understand, you are having dreams about your in-laws who were the main cause of your separation.  You are separated and have been for a year.  Your husband has not gotten in contact with you, nor has his family.  Your dreams are about them trying to make you fit in the family while your husband just stares.

 

Sister, in the absence of istakharra prayer, often times our dreams are reflections of what is going on in our subconscious.  Perhaps after all this time, you are still hurt over their interference. Maybe deep down you wished they had been that loving family inviting you to be a part of their lives. Sadly, however,  that is not how it worked out.

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Sister, they have not contacted you since the separation, nor has your husband.  This is not the actions of ones who care.  Based on this fact, perhaps your dreams are signifying that it is time you moved on with your life.  This would mean a divorce.  It may be that you need to start to initiate divorce as it has been an over a year.  No one has gotten in touch with you, sister, to even see if you were okay.  I would kindly suggest that you make istakharra prayer, ask Allah for signs as to your marriage.  Try to have a clear mind when you do-which includes no preconceived wishes or notions, just go to Allah and insha’Allah let Allah show you the way.

 

I hope this has helped some dear sister.  Please do write back with ore detail if you need a more expounded upon response.  You are in our prayers.

 

I want a divorce. Because I married a wrong person. Before I married I don’t know most of the things about him. I have one daughter now. But I know I've married a wrong person now. He didn’t pray also not having a married relationship with me. He doesn’t want to do a sex with me now. Lyk this three years already passed. Pls, help me on this. I don’t know what to do?



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear what you are going through in your marriage.  It must be very hard for you to realize your husband was not what you expected.  This often happens when we do not take the time to get to know our future spouse as you now know.  There are halal ways of doing this and it is recommended to increase the rates of marital compatibility and success.

 

Getting to Know One Another

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Sister it sounds as if you and your husband did not get the chance to bond very well, or even use your marriage time to really get to know one another.  It is almost as if you are still strangers.  This can happen for various of reasons such as busy work schedules, a hectic lifestyle,  responsibilities to families or even a fear of getting close to a new spouse. Sometimes the time just passes so quickly that we suddenly realize that we do not know the person we are living with.  Even worse, we find that there are things that we just cannot live with.  This is the time dear sister to either try to save your marriage or contemplate what it is that you would like to do in regards to the marriage.  Surely you want to be married to someone who practices Islams (prays, etc.).  As a woman, you most definitely need affection, sexual intimacy, and bonding.  Insha’Allah if you are both willing to work on these points, you will draw closer to what an Islamic marriage looks like.

 

Increasing Compatibility

Sister, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you speak to your husband.  Express to him your desire to serve Allah together and ask him what his feelings are on this.  Please do include examples such as praying together, going to the Masjid, reading Qur’an together as well as attending Islamic events and social gatherings to increase both of your imans.  If he is open, you may want to engage a trusted imam to help you both sort out what is going on.

 

Try to find activities that you both enjoy doing.  If there are not many-find some.  Ask him his interests as well as share yours.  Suggest that you take up a hobby together or learn something new. Insha’allah this will increase your bonding time as you share time and activities together.  This insha’Allah will bring you both closer.  Take a walk with him, enjoy nature.  This is a stress-free way in which you both are under no obligation but to take in the beauty of Allah’s creation.  This may help develop an appreciation. Try to bring laughter and joy into the home.  This eases tensions and refocuses negative energy.  A funny sitcom, an enjoyable board game all create a lightness of spirits.  Offer him a massage after a long day at work and ask him to give you one.  This is a sensual activity that can be later utilized to bring you closer intimately.   Sister I know it sounds like I am putting all of the suggestions on you, but I am not.  You may have to initiate some of them but insha’Allah the rewards may be beneficial.

 

Sexual Health

Lastly, while the lack of sexual relations may be due to the two of you being emotionally distant, it could be possible he has a medical problem.  Problems with sexual functioning can be seen in cases of diabetes, high blood pressure, lack of certain minerals- vitamins, thyroid issues,  depression, anxiety, etc.  I would kindly suggest that you encourage him to see his doctor for a check-up.  As this issue is sensitive for most men, it may be difficult.  Insha’Allah he will be willing with the benefit of getting a yearly checkup.  As we are comprised of mind, body, spirit-it is also possible that he has a psychological block or insecurities about his sexual performance, thus he just stays away from it. In any case dear sister I urge you to ensure his mental and physical health is on point.

 

Insha’Allah sister, please do try the suggested tips and see if your relations improve.  In time you may find a new marital life awaiting you insha’Allah.  We wish you the best.

hello, I am an 18-year-old girl. my dad doesn't like my best friends dad and he is telling me that I shouldn't be friends with her because of her family which I cant do because she's someone that I have been friends with for 7 years and I don't want to throw our friendship away like that.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear about your dad’s issues with your best friend’s father.  It is sad when adults have issues with others and impose prohibitions on other family members.  I can imagine you are torn as you love your dad very much and he is your dad.  On the other hand, this is your best friend for 7 years whom you love very much as well.  I can imagine you and your friend are very hurt and upset by this and are not sure how to proceed.  Has her dad made the same request, that she does not see you?

 

Informed Decisions

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Sister, we all want to please our parents.  However, you are 18 and an adult.  This means that while you are to show respect and kindness to your dad, you are to make your own choices at this age.  I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you sit down with your dad when things are calm.  Maybe take him out for coffee or tea at a quiet cafe or restaurant.  Explain to him that you love and respect him very much.  Also, explain to him that it is important for you to know the exact issue he is having with your best friends father as it needed for you to make an informed decision.  Insha’Allah he will tell you.  At this time, you do not have to tell him you will comply with the ban on her family nor do you tell him you will continue seeing her.  You are just there to gather information so you know what is going on.   Think about the issue. Most likely it is a harmless quarrel but if it is something horrendous such as her father is an abuser or pedophile then your dad is right is trying to restrict interaction.  In a serious case like that, it is nothing against your best friend. It is measured to ensure you are safe.  While this is a drastic example and I am sure this is not the reason, I illustrate this to show you why sometimes parents may make these requests.

 

Disagreements

In all likelihood, it is a disagreement between your dad and hers, and that is where it should be kept.  Other family members should not be brought in.  The two men need to resolve their own issues.  Sometimes when disagreements happen between families, sadly whole families become off limits and this wrong.

 

Sister, you are an adult now.  I would kindly suggest that you find out what the problem is between your dad and hers.  Analyze it and make an informed decision.   After talking with your dad and taking a few days to think about what he said, you may wish to discuss your decision with your dad or you may choose not to. Either way, it is up to you.  Please do be prepared insha’Allah to back up your decision if he asks why you are not complying.  Make a list of points based on the Qur’an and authentic hadiths in regards to friendships, forgiveness, and mercy.

 

Insha’Allah your dad’s issues with him will not last very long.  The two of you have been friends for 7 years and based on what you wrote, this is the first time there was an issue.  Please do consult with your dad for a more definitive explanation regarding the issue; think about the seriousness of his claim and make an informed decision based on your life choices.  Please do make dua to Allah that this disagreement clears up sister.  Allah is most merciful.  We wish you the best.

Assalamu Alaikum. We are in a tough situation, my daughter's husband has lied on few occasions and swears by Quran and Shahadah and Qalimah that he did not do that act. She has been married for two years recently things got worst, and something was exposed to him on the social media and he denied it and swear by Allah that he did not do it. My daughter is intending to end this relationship because she cannot trust him and he lies swearing by Allah. She acknowledges her faults but she cannot come to the terms of a person who is not honest. Jazaak Allah Khair



as salamu alaykum dear brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand, your son-in-law has allegedly told some lies and swore on the Qur’an that he did not do it.  The discovery of his alleged acts was exposed on social media and once this happened, he denied he did it.

 

Swearing n the Qur’an

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As you know, “swearing” by Allah or on the Qur’an about a truth is a very serious issue.  While I am not an Islamic scholar I do know there are consequences for not only lying-but lying on the word of Allah. I kindly suggest for a more in-depth Islamic response to this issue that you seek the advise of our scholars in the section “Ask the Scholars”.

 

Social Media-the Power of Connecting

Social media is often a horrendous platform for scandals.  While it can be good for keeping in touch with families, catching up on community events or reading fro Islamic forums, it is often a tool used to cause division and drama.  Brother, while the relationship is not good for your daughter and her husband I would kindly suggest that you request further proofs from whoever exposed the acts on social media.  I would, of course, suggest doing this in private due to the sensitive nature of this issue.  While the allegations on social media may be correct, if they are not correct you need to know the truth.  Taking a social media post for truth can be dangerous if not backed by witnesses or other evidence.  While I am not sure what was exposed or in what context, I cannot state whether or not it is a reliable source.  For instance-if someone makes a video of themselves drinking alcohol at a party, laughing and talking-yes that is a solid proof.  If some posts a statement saying “Ahmed (last name) is my boyfriend and he is leaving his wife” is not a solid proof but is a third person account.  As only you know brother what was posted, only you can make the determination as to whether or not this social media post needs further validation.

 

Lying

If your son-in-law is truly lying brother, he needs help.  For someone to lie on Allah’s name is a serious matter and usually, no Muslim would dare do that.  Therefore I can kindly suggest that the 2-has severe mental health issues which prevent him from thinking rationally or 2-he is thinking rationally but has lost his fear of Allah as well as his practice of Islam.  I would kindly suggest brother that you talk with him alone.  Try to get to the bottom of whatever it is that is going on.  At that point, you will be able to make a reliable decision as to whether you feel your daughter needs to divorce him or if he truly needs help.

 

Truth-Seeking

I would kindly suggest insha’Allah, that either way it goes, you encourage your daughter to pray to Allah about these matters before making a final decision.  Often times there can be marital problems and outsiders who are aware can inflate the issues.  On the other hand, spouses trying to conceal haram deeds who are exposed on social media may go to great lengths to deny their guilt.  Please do try to gather further evidence if needed; talk to your son-in-law if you are able; encourage your daughter to pray to Allah for guidance and for the truth to be revealed.  If it is the case that they do try to work it out,  marriage counseling should be initiated.  If she does decide to divorce him based on his lying, his swearing by Allah and the Qur’an then she is within her rights.  We wish you the best brother, you are in our payers.

My problem is a bit strange and embarrassed to ask being a girl. My problem is that I snore and I'm getting married and my husband doesn't know.H ow to deal with it and how to react when he questions? Although I tried everything but the condition is not improving.



as salamu alaykum dear sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  Please do not be embarrassed!  There are many people who snore both males and females.  It is not an uncommon issue.  I am quite sure that it will not be an issue in your marriage.  In fact, I would not be surprised if you find out that your future husband snores as well!

 

There are many reasons why people snore, most of them are not of concern.  However, there is such a thing called sleep apnea in which people stop breathing for a few seconds, regain their breath and continue sleeping.  This also results in very loud snoring.

 

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Sleep Apnea

According to the Mayo Clinic (1) “Loud snoring, is usually more prominent in obstructive sleep apnea.  Episodes of breathing cessation during sleep witnessed by another person is a clue as are abrupt awakenings accompanied by shortness of breath, which more likely indicates central sleep apnea. Some other symptoms include:

1-Awakening with a dry mouth or a sore throat

A 2-Morning headache

3-Difficulty staying asleep (insomnia)

4-Excessive daytime sleepiness (hypersomnia)

5-Attention problems

6-Irritability

 

Sister, if you feel you may have sleep apnea,  please do consult with your doctor.  If you do indeed have sleep apnea, there are treatments available to help you with this issue.

 

Being Human

Sister if everything clears medically regarding your snoring, please do rest assured that this is a minor problem.  I know it can be embarrassing and something that worries you but in all honesty, I am confident that your future husband will not even notice, or if he does it will not bother him.  We as humans have an array of bodily functions which may be annoying or embarrassing such as burping, snoring, passing gas, grinding of teeth and so on.  It is a part of being human!  Insha’Allah your future husband will acknowledge these normal events in life as the human condition of living. In fact, he is probably thinking about some of his human events and worrying about them!  Perhaps he passes gas a lot, or maybe he burps often. Would it bother you?  I think not.

 

Sister, once you and your future husband get married, these little human nuances will be forgotten about.  You both will be focused on getting close, creating a bond as well as enjoying each others company.  Please, sister, try to focus your upcoming wedding and the joys of preparing for this big event.  Insha’Allah you will find your fears to be unfounded and you will feel quite comfortable in your new husband’s presence.

 

We wish you both the best!

I need an advice. There's this girl (a friend of my cousin sister) she's been thinking of marrying the guy she knows from the past 4 years. They got into the argument about taking care of the house and his mother. The girl is very passionate about doing a job ( Food Inspection) and the guy is persistent in telling her she has to opt for a teaching job nearby no matter what because she has to wake up at six in the morning and wash clothes clean the house and cook meals because he doesn't want his mother to do anything. He says he won't promise her that he'll treat her as an angel. Her main concern is not that she will hate caring for his mother but she is career oriented and wants to work badly. He says the door is open if she doesn't clean and cook and opt for teaching. She loves him and is very confused and hurt.



As-salaam alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand the situation, you have a cousin who’s thinking of marrying a guy she has known for four years. Based on what you wrote concerning the argument,  the guy does not want her to have a career which she does want. The guy wants her to clean the house, wash clothes, and cook meals for his mother. He also stated he won’t promise that he’ll treat her as an angel. I am wondering why he would say that he cannot promise he will treat her “like an angel” as this usually means that he would strive to treat her good and take care of her.  This is a worrisome statement from him.

 

Foundations of Marriage

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While there is nothing wrong with cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes as these are chores that do need to be done and most wives do them happily, there is a problem as it appears that this is the main reason that he wants to marry her. Meaning, he may be seeking somebody to take care of his mother and not really seeking a lifetime partner, a wife to grow with. There was (to my knowledge based on what you wrote) no discussion of the future, children, sharing interests, nor any other foundations which are critical to a good marriage.   His main focus appears to be securing the contract based on her services to his mom.  While we should look after our in-laws as we are to be kind and merciful, it should not be an all-consuming en devour and the main focal point of marriage. Allah swt created marriage so that we may grow together in mercy, love, kindness and be a cover for one another.  This means a deep commitment towards the other person’s happiness as well as compromises within Islamic boundaries.

 

Rethinking the Future

As your cousin is career-oriented and does enjoy working, it seems that this would not be the ideal situation for her. The most important point, however, is the boy’s reason for wanting to marry her.  As stated above, it appears his reasoning for marriage is to be to get somebody to take care of his mom and the house rather than form a truly compatible, loving marriage. Allah forgives me if I am wrong. I would kindly advise you to talk to your cousin insha’Allah and ask her to evaluate the situation in relation to what Allah has designated marriage for. Please do insha’Allah, ask her to make a list of what she desires from a marriage. From that list ask her to check off these things and qualities that this boy has. In addition please ask her and to envision her future life with him and to ask herself if this is a man that could truly make her happy and bring her closer to Allah. While no marriage is perfect, the fact that he is starting off with these demands even before the marriage is a red flag.  It is also a blessing as it gives your cousin the opportunity to re-evaluate his motives as well as her needs in a future husband.  We wish her the best, she is in our prayers.

I'm currently in a haram relationship, and I know that this is wrong. I'm trying to soon break it off with him but I’m really scared as he genuinely loves me and he’s a non-Muslim so he doesn’t understand that I just can’t marry him, if I break up with him, he will fall back into depression and I do not want that. I’m also very scared that his mother will want to speak to my parents about it and my parents don’t know about all this so this could destroy me. If I pray and make dua to help Allah make it easy for me to break up with him and to lead me into the straight path, will He listen to my duas and accept my salary because although I’m asking him for help, I’m still in this haram relationship doing haram things. I just don’t know what to do and if it’s worthwhile me praying even when I’m continuing doing these haram things, but I just need Him to help me guide me to the right path.



As-salaamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand it, you’re currently in a haram relationship.  You stated you know this is wrong and that you were going to try to break it off.  You’re mentioned that you feel scared because he genuinely loves you. You also acknowledged that you can’t marry him as he is not Muslim.  Based on what you have said, it seems you do have insight into this situation.  From your question,  I see that you are afraid to break up with him as he may fall back into depression and you don’t want that.

 

Pleasing Allah

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Sister the thing that really stands out to me is that you are engaging in a haram relationship which is compromising your relationship with Allah. Your Muslim, he’s not. Therefore, my dear sister, you know you can’t marry him because he’s not Muslim. So why would you even want to go there? You state that you pray and make duaa to Allah to make it easy for you to break up with him and to lead you to the straight path again. This shows that you love Allah and seek to please him alhumdulilah. Please do ask Allah to forgive you for your haram behaviors, repent, and promise yourself that you will not have anything more to do with this boy. May Allah swt make it easy for you.

 

Responsibility

Regarding him falling back into depression sister, this is not your responsibility nor your burden to carry. Yes, we care about people, but as you are not married to him nor are you even supposed to be a friend of his that is not your responsibility. It is his responsibility and his family’s responsibility to ensure that he does not fall into depression. At 17 years old you should be focusing on school,  your future career goals, family, and Islam. Those are your responsibilities at this point in your life.  Sister,  I completely understand you feel emotionally attached to him as you did get close to him. These are natural feelings and they’re normal. However, as you went about it in the wrong way- in a haram way and because he is not Muslim you are best advised to leave the situation alone. It will be hard, yes, but the blessings in the rewards will be worth it.  Regarding his parents-If there’s a chance that his parents will tell your parents, then I highly advise you insha’Allah to inform your parents first before they do. It will not be comfortable or easy.  In fact, it may come with some repercussions. However, it will be worse if they find out first from the boy’s parents and not from you.  May Allah make this easy for you.

 

Stay Close to Allah

Sister keeps praying to Allah. We all sin, we all fall short and that is why we need Allah. Allah is most merciful and most forgiving but we have to want to stop doing haram things and we have to want to strive to be better Muslims, which I’m sure you do. Never doubt Allah’s Mercy, Allah loves you sister and wants you to be on the right path and have a happy life. You have made a mistake and your emotions got involved.  This is common, sister, you are not the first nor will you be the last.  Please do learn from this and guard your heart and guard your Islam.  There are many blessings to come to insha’Allah when we follow Allah’s commands.   We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.