As salamu alaykum sister,
Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear what you are going through in your marriage. It must be very hard for you to realize your husband was not what you expected. This often happens when we do not take the time to get to know our future spouse as you now know. There are halal ways of doing this and it is recommended to increase the rates of marital compatibility and success.
Getting to Know One Another
Sister it sounds as if you and your husband did not get the chance to bond very well, or even use your marriage time to really get to know one another. It is almost as if you are still strangers. This can happen for various of reasons such as busy work schedules, a hectic lifestyle, responsibilities to families or even a fear of getting close to a new spouse. Sometimes the time just passes so quickly that we suddenly realize that we do not know the person we are living with. Even worse, we find that there are things that we just cannot live with. This is the time dear sister to either try to save your marriage or contemplate what it is that you would like to do in regards to the marriage. Surely you want to be married to someone who practices Islams (prays, etc.). As a woman, you most definitely need affection, sexual intimacy, and bonding. Insha’Allah if you are both willing to work on these points, you will draw closer to what an Islamic marriage looks like.
Sister, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you speak to your husband. Express to him your desire to serve Allah together and ask him what his feelings are on this. Please do include examples such as praying together, going to the Masjid, reading Qur’an together as well as attending Islamic events and social gatherings to increase both of your imans. If he is open, you may want to engage a trusted imam to help you both sort out what is going on.
Try to find activities that you both enjoy doing. If there are not many-find some. Ask him his interests as well as share yours. Suggest that you take up a hobby together or learn something new. Insha’allah this will increase your bonding time as you share time and activities together. This insha’Allah will bring you both closer. Take a walk with him, enjoy nature. This is a stress-free way in which you both are under no obligation but to take in the beauty of Allah’s creation. This may help develop an appreciation. Try to bring laughter and joy into the home. This eases tensions and refocuses negative energy. A funny sitcom, an enjoyable board game all create a lightness of spirits. Offer him a massage after a long day at work and ask him to give you one. This is a sensual activity that can be later utilized to bring you closer intimately. Sister I know it sounds like I am putting all of the suggestions on you, but I am not. You may have to initiate some of them but insha’Allah the rewards may be beneficial.
Lastly, while the lack of sexual relations may be due to the two of you being emotionally distant, it could be possible he has a medical problem. Problems with sexual functioning can be seen in cases of diabetes, high blood pressure, lack of certain minerals- vitamins, thyroid issues, depression, anxiety, etc. I would kindly suggest that you encourage him to see his doctor for a check-up. As this issue is sensitive for most men, it may be difficult. Insha’Allah he will be willing with the benefit of getting a yearly checkup. As we are comprised of mind, body, spirit-it is also possible that he has a psychological block or insecurities about his sexual performance, thus he just stays away from it. In any case dear sister I urge you to ensure his mental and physical health is on point.
Insha’Allah sister, please do try the suggested tips and see if your relations improve. In time you may find a new marital life awaiting you insha’Allah. We wish you the best.