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Ask the Psychologist (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
30 July, 2017

Saturday, Jul. 29, 2017 | 07:00 - 09:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Asslam walekum. Im 30 yr old and I have a frnd and I knw her past 9 years. We are very good frnds and have lots of respect for each other...i have helped her in each and every moment and have taken care of her. Suddenly I fell in love with her and I told her about my feelings and asked if she will marry with me but she said no as she says I'm her good frnd and nothing else. Later on we discussed about this talks as she told me she dsnt have any feelings and don't wanna marry me. I can't take out her from my mind...i have changes a lot coz of her I never use to offer namaaz but later on I started praying 5 times and have been praying for her..i get concerned about her as she stays in Dubai for work purpose...she knws that I can take care of her but she says that she dsnt consider me as husband coz we are frnds.



As salamu alaykum brother,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session.  I am sorry to hear that the one you desire to marry only see’s you as a friend.  Marriage in fact, should be based on a good friendship!  You both have know each other a long time and appear to be close.  Sadly, this often happens when two people start off as friends-and one or the other cannot switch out of friends mode, thus the idea of marriage would be a strange concept .  This happens sometimes in work and university situations wherein a friendship forms based on shared school work or employment tasks , no intention of marriage is said, nor does any haram come to mind.  In situations such as these wherein the limits were already set to friendship, it is often if not nearly impossible to switch to a romantic mode which is needed for marriage.  By stating ‘Romantic” I mean the attraction one see’s when looking at someone and feeling this is someone who looks nice, let me inquire as to their character, their Islam as well as our commonalities for marriage.  A close friend once said to me “Why don’t you marry (insert name)”.  I was shocked and stated, wow, we have been friends/co-workers for almost 10 years, he is like a brother to me-that would feel too strange.”  Now it wasn’t because he wasn’t attractive-he was.  He was also intelligent and a pious Muslim.  However our “relationship” was one which started as friendship/co-worker and over the course of 10 years, in my mind that is how I saw him-my co-worker-friend-brother in Islam, and there was no way I could change how I felt.  Now, had I met him initially for purposes of marriage,  things might have turned out different.  However, that was not how my mind was thinking for 10 years.

My suggestions for you brother are to feel blessed for having such a good friend.  They are often hard to come by.  Also, do not take her rejection personal, you both have had a halal friendship for 10 years, for her to reverse her mind to look at you as a potential suitor may be difficult at this point.  Just know that as she already expressed she views you as a friend, she will not likely change her mind as it has been kind of programmed that way.  Accept your position as friend and look for a wife elsewhere.  Had you met under different circumstances, it may have turned out differently but Allah had other plans.  Because of this friendship you also seemed to have strengthen your worship and Islam as you stated you started praying 5 times a day wherein you did not before.  Perhaps Allah brought this friendship to you for exactly that reason.  Your prayer and your relationship with Allah swt is the most important relationship in your life that you will ever have.  So even if she see’s you as “just” a friend, what a blessing that is indeed because it brought you your life back-literally.  It brought you back closer to your Creator.

With that said dear brother, I encourage you to keep seeking Allah, continue actively practicing Islam and seeking His guidance.  You were given a blessing, please do not lose it because you are hurt she does not want to marry.  Continue to value the friendship on halal terms, and seek out interests for marriage elsewhere.   Instead of focusing on her and worrying about her in Dubai, start to engage more socially, meet new brothers at your Masjid and go out for enjoyable times along for worship.  In time, these activities will take your mind off of her and insha’Allah, Allah will place the wife he has for you in your life.  However, you will have to let go of the feelings of love for your friend as Allah will want you to feel love for your wife, not another.  With time, prayer and iman, you will succeed at this brother.   You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

Asalaam aleykum. I enjoy reading and learning from this Islamic group on Facebook, regarding different issues and also contribute to the discussion. However, after reading this strange mans comments, I just started having strong feelings for him, without chatting to him or knowing what he looked like. This has never happened before. So I went on his profile just to study his page, not his pictures and the feelings grew stronger because I liked his Islamic posts, the way he carries himself and the mature comments. I am not interested in this person. I just can't help how I feel and I've been making duahs to forget him, but for now the feelings are still there. So I will delete my Fb account, but before I do it, Any advice? I am a single mom of two and and I don't want to have such feelings coz it's affecting me, plus I'm just uncomfortable with it.



As salamu alaykum  sister,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session.  Alhumdulikah, we are so happy that you like our page and enjoy reading our posts.  Insh’Allah may Allah guide us and be pleased with our efforts.  Regarding your attention to a brother’s posts, it is a good thing that you have found his postings to be Islamically up-building.  As an ummah we are suppose to inspire and build one another up Islamically.  The fact that you are drawn to this man and want to know more about him is natural sister.  There is no sin in that.  In fact as sisters we are suppose to seek out spouses who are practicing Muslims and those who capture our attention by their maturity, morals as well as other things.

Your catching feelings from his words is not a bad thing sister. In fact it could lead to a good thing.  We never know what Allah has for us.  I am wondering, as you are single why are you making duaa to forget him?  Is he married?  If not, please do analyze what it is that is making you uncomfortable.  Are you still getting over a bad marriage?  Are you afraid of getting hurt or rejected?  Do you carry any unresolved trauma, or are you just not interested in marriage at this time?

It is natural to be attracted to a man and want to get to know him for the purpose of marriage providing he is permissible to you and it is done in a halal way.  And by the way sister, it is okay to look at his pictures.  There is nothing wrong with that.  As long as you are not lusting after them or obsessing over them with sexual thoughts, it is okay.  In fact the Prophet (PBUH) told men to go look at the one they intended to marry.  In our daily lives we go to work, school, shopping and we see men everywhere!  We do not get upset about that, yet when we are seriously interested in marriage (maybe not you right now) some people refuse to look at or talk to the person until they are married and that is not what Islam says.  There are things that are haram and things that are permissible.  Looking at his picture to see if he is someone you could be attracted to for marriage is permissible.  Obsessing over it however is not.  A lot of Muslims do not believe in pictures and view them as haram and I cannot comment on this as I am not an Islamic scholar, however you will see that some Muslims do have their photo’s up for Islamic services and event promotion, benefits, employment related information as well as social media,  As I am not an Islamic scholar I cannot comment further on this but I do know the prophet said “The Prophet (ﷺ) said: When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. He (Jabir) said: I asked a girl in marriage, I used to look at her secretly, until I looked at what induced me to marry her. I, therefore, married her” (1).  While this is in regards to one who is seeking marriage it is also illustrative that we must first see that which we may pursue for the halal.

Insha’Allah sister, please do look inside of yourself and see what it is that is making you uncomfortable and resolve it.  Secondly, there is no wrong in feeling something for a man based on his worthy Islamic posts, maturity and his pious nature.  Many wonderful introductions leading to marriages have started off by noticing one’s piety and Islamic principles, as it should be.  I would kindly suggest looking at your fears and understanding where they are coming from as well as assess your readiness for a marriage.  I do not recommend that you delete your FB page over this man and your feelings for him.   Insha’Allah, seek to  understand your feelings and seek to gain a resolve and have peace with them.  Perhaps once you are comfortable, introduce yourself  to this man and state you appreciate his Islamic posts and see where it goes.  We never know what Allah has in store for us, nor do we know in our limited ability where it will come from.  Make duaa to Allah that He guide you in His way.   May Allah bless your efforts.  You are in our prayers sister, please let us know how you are doing.

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I love ths black Muslim Boy while myslef am an Muslim asian. We have been in love for over 8 years now. Am vry happy with him. Alhamdulillah he has vry good faith n taqwa in Islam. Til date we have never committed major zinnah. But then whenever i ask him 2 marry me he gives me reasons* i cant now, what if i cnt make u happy, ur family will never talk to u since am black n thy ll never accept us, am not setteled, i dont want u to be sad aft marriage n etc. But then so many proposal of marriages come my home i refuse coz i cant...i love him so so much. He hs always been thr 4 me, hes lyk my best freind n lods more



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session.  As I understand you met this boy 8 years ago which means you have known him since you were 12.  I am wondering if you live near each other and grew up together?  If this is the case and as you are both Muslims there should be no reason why you cannot marry.  However if he is not living near you  or if he has never met your family, that may explain some of his fear and hesitation.  However in Islam there is to be no racism in regards to one another.  Sadly, despite what the Qur’an says and despite what the Prophet(PHUH) said about superiority and racism, still  a lot of Muslims are racist and only approve of marriages within their own tribes or ethnicity.  This is an abomination,  Racism and the fear of it,  has and still does some terribly, horrid things to a person’s psyche.

With that said please do look carefully at your family sister, are they racist?  Would they reject him?  Or would they accept him lovingly with open arms as part of the family?   Some of his concerns may be valid.  As  8 years is a long time sister, you must feel very close to him.  While I do not know the extent of your communications, you indicated that you both have pretty much kept things halal.  Additionally as you were only a child when you met, you are no longer a child and the time  has come wherein you are both of the age to marry.

I would kindly suggest that you first discuss this with your parents to ensure that some of his reasons are not valid.  If they are, you need to decide how you will handle this.  Will you follow Islam, or your parents?   If they have no issues with race, then you need to approach him and state that none of his reasons are valid and you wish to marry him.  If he still gives excuses sister, then he really is not serious about marrying you, or it could be he would have problems with his family accepting the marriage.  It is hard to tell until you clear away any misconceptions that exist, only then can you move forward with a marriage or decide that he truly is not ready and move on.  As you are getting marriage proposals now as you are of age,

I would seriously  try to resolve this as soon as possible.   While I do understand your attachment and love for him  sister, you cannot get back lost time.   Therefore I encourage you to insha’Allah  speak with your parents about your desire to marry him, ensure there is no objection due to race, speak with the boy to inform him everything is settled on your side and proceed from there.  Once he is assured he will be accepted he will insha’Allah propose.   However if his lack of proposing is for a different reason then you will  know this too as he will offer more excuses.   Either way, it is time to move on by either marrying this boy to prevent a haram action from happening, or seriously looking at other proposals sister.   We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

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Aoa My grandmother died two years ago. She was going through dimentia. She forget everything. It was my responsibility to take care of her at night during holidays. I had to carry her to washroom after every two hours, a hour, half an hour or even after 15 min(sometimes) . Sometimes not always i would get irritated but then i would told myself that it is good to take care of her because she is old and weak plus she loved me and i loved her too.Sometimes i enjoyed looking after her. One night i was with Grandmother in washroom helping her. She was annoyed so she hold me tightly or hit me I don't remember but I reacted quickly and hit her. I cried alot after that as i never intended that.I respected her but it was extreme to hit her.I wanted to apologise to her but i guess she don't really remember but she loved me after that too.She also apologized to me if I was irritated by her but i tried to comfort her, i felt embarrased.Even she would smile if i enter into the room. Then once after fajar i slept, which I shouldn't. She wanted to go washroom but I was sleeping. I didn't listen to her as I was sleeping until she screamed because she tried to get up by herself and fell after that I woke and helped her. She walked only if she had to go washroom.After that incident she didn't go to washroom. We tried but failed because becausevit was difficult to carry her. She was on bed because of my carelessness too.Then we used to Clean her and change her pamper.But her condition was getting worse day by day. She was suffering in last days. She was in pain because of bed sole. I want her to forgive me and come to my dream and tell me that she forgave me. Because i could do more to ease her but I didn't.



As salamu alaykum  sister,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session.   I am so sad to hear that your grandmother had dementia and that she passed away.  May Allah forgive her and grant her jannah.  Insha’Allah, it sounds as if your grandmother had a good life and was dearly loved.   It is very evident by your question that you loved her so much sister.  You did the best you could to take care of her and it sounds as if you did a wonderful job.  While the few times you lost patience, or perhaps reacted too quickly out of defense mode if she did hit you and you hit her, it was not right and I feel the deep regret in your letter to us.   I don;t even know you sister and I feel your sorrow regret and love for your grandmother.  If I can feel it-a stranger-you can be sure that your grandmother knew and felt your regret as well.  That is why she keep smiling, because she knew you were taking care of her the best you could and she knew you loved her.

Sister often times when loved ones are ill and need intensive care, it can be extremely stressful on families,    Families usually do the best they can in these situations, but they are human and fatigue sets in.  You must have been very exhausted that morning in which you slept after Fajr and she needed your help and fell.    Please sister, give your self room to be human.  Make a list of all the things you did to help your grandmother not only from a young child on up-but especially during her illness.  Then make a list of the few times you did not or could not be of the few times you fell short.  You will see insha’Allah that you did the best you could, and the few times you became irritated or slept because you were exhausted as from the human condition.  Just ask Allah to forgive you sister for these times, because your grandmother knew you were sorry, your grandmother knew you loved her and you were doing the best you could.  Even though she had dementia, she felt your love in her spirit and soul…..she watched you grow up probably.  She knows your heart.  And even though the illness often takes memory, it apparently did not take her heart or her spirit as she kept telling you she was sorry, smiling at you and over-all showing her love as best as she could.

I would kindly suggest sister that you look back upon these times of your taking care of her as a blessing.  Despite the few times you could not respond to her needs in a positive way, over-all you were in it for the long run, taking good care of and loving your grandmother, and she knew this sister.  The signs you are looking for have already been given to you-they have already passed.  They were in her smile, in her grip, in her eyes, and in her words.  She was trying to tell you then, when she was alive that she understood, that she forgives and that she knows you love her-and she loves you too.  What is left sister is to ask Allah for forgiveness, forgive yourself, and focus on the good memories with your grandmother before she got sick, as well as those loving moments or even funny ones-you shared during her illness.   I have a feeling that she may have wanted you to remember her and the ending journey in this way.  We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

I am a born Muslim and re-found Islam a few years ago. At uni, I fell for a guy. He wasn't overtly religious but I used to get what to me were signs from Allah. I had a sound connection with Him, and events, dreams seemed to point me towards the person. I thought he was my reward for fighting the temptations of youth, and of being a hostelite far away from family. He was very popular and friendly with girls, and I was cautious because of this, in spite of my feelings and the signs. But I had this hope in Allah that things were going to change. I believed with all my heart that as long as I was good, my prayers would be answered, and He would reward me for my struggles. I used to be thrown in that guy's path, so many times, it made me so uncomfortable because of my modesty and his personality, but I knew Allah had a plan and doesn't humiliate His friends for nothing, so it even made me feel special. Towards the last few years, we were in the same subgroup for uni work and he gave me alot of attention and I was almost sure we would end up together and there was more to our story and that he would propose. However, we graduated some months back and I got no closure regarding him. In the last few days, he fixed things with an ex of his and I was heartbroken to hear rumors of them being together. He denied it to people but didn't propose to me either. I keep wondering if I have been played with. I have been fighting strong desire all my life, my heart wants a home and I only have his thought to cling to. He, like our other classmates, is moving on to further study and life, and I am stuck and unable to remain productive for long. I have been in a bad state of depression, those signs that I used to get have stopped, and most importantly, my connection with Allah has also altered. Negativity and despair overpower me at times, and I don't understand why all of it happened if it meant nothing. I was a good girl, I had an early puberty, I was considered pretty, and it wasn't easy to keep all men at bay, but I was so careful and tried my best to do what I could to not go near zina. I am tired of fighting now. I know I actually need to fix my connection with Allah, it is Him I truly need. Please help me out of this depressed state where feelings of being abandoned keep recurring. Would be eternally grateful. Jazak Allah khairun.



As salamu alaykum  sister,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session.  As I understand, you were born Muslim and 6 years ago really started concentrating on your faith and drawing closer to Allah after a difficult period in your life.  You then got caught up in a situation with a boy at your university wherein you had feelings for him even though he was not religious.  You stated that despite this, you had what you thought, were signs from Allah swt, that he was meant for you as a possible future spouse.  After graduation, however, you found out he was back with his x, and this devastated you.  Sister, as you did not mention whether or not you and this boy engaged in any haram acts so I will therefore address your question on the premise that you did not.  Based on your question and what little bit you did say about yourself, I see you as a very pious young lady who did not commit a haram act with this boy; a pious young lady who got hurt as you allowed your feelings to grow for this boy, which is natural sister and has happened to most of us.

As you have been focusing on getting closer to Allah and keeping yourself chaste all these years sister, you viewed this boy as a “reward” from Allah for doing so,.  However, did you ever ask yourself-why would Allah reward me with a potential husband who is not that religious, has a lot of female friends and an x girlfriend?  To me that does not sound like a reward sister, but it sounds more like a  punishment (for lack of a better analogy).  Why would you want to settle for someone who is not concerned with his relationship with Allah sister?  Who may have no fear of Allah ?  Who has had at least one x girlfriend that you know of, and possible more?  Who flirts with many girls feeling’s so non-nonchalantly?   Do you not think that Allah would reward you with someone who is a practicing Muslim, who is sincere and keeps himself chaste?  Instead of looking at this boy as a “lost reward” from Allah dear sister, perhaps after you think about the actual facts of the situation you will begin to look at it as either a test (Allah does test those He loves)  or as something that Allah kept from you in order to keep you safe as you are precious to Him.   Often times sister when we draw closer to Allah swt and focus on becoming better Muslims, we are tested.  Perhaps this boy was your test to see if you would remain close to Allah, or if you would put your emotions for this boy above your relationship with Allah.  While I understand the frustrations you are going through, wanting a marriage, a home and intimacy, these things will come  to you insha’Allah dear sister but you need to trust fully in Allah that He has what is best for you -waiting for you.   Do you feel this boy was best for you?  Please do make a list of the qualities you seek in a husband sister, and then make a list of qualities this boy possesses that match this.  To help you further insha’Allah, make a list of this boy’s good qualities and his negative ones.  Please look closely at him  from an Islamic perspective as a Muslim .  Is he the type of boy you would refer to your young sister, cousin or friend as a suitable marriage partner?  I think not.  The same expectations you would seek from a boy for someone you love should be the same criteria you should seek for yourself.

As he and your other classmates are moving on, I suggest you do the same sister.  Allah blessed you with intelligence, beauty, and a close relationship with Him.  You are a pious servant of Allah which means all good blessing will come to you in time.  In Allah’s time, and Allah knows best.  Alhumdulilah this boy did not propose, who knows how far away he could have taken you from Allah as he himself is not that religious.   Please do look at the blessing in this sister, and look at it as a test you passed.  You stated that you know that you need to fix your connection with Allah.  Many people who go through test (and we all go through many tests) do not know they need to repair their relationship with the Most High.  You know, therefore your connection with Allah is still there otherwise you would not be cognizant of the fact that you are in need of help from your Creator.

I kindly suggest that you look at this experience with the boy as a blessing and a test.  I encourage you sister to thank Allah for saving you from something that would possibly hurt you down the road or led you away from Allah completely.  Do make a list of the things you would like to accomplish next in life and set steps towards getting there.  Spend time with your Muslim sisters doing enjoyable things until your emotions calm, and make extra efforts to get back to where you were in regards to your relationship with Allah swt.   This in itself will aid in your healing, open your eyes to what you just went through as well as make you feel happy insha’Allah that things did not turn out the way you hoped.  Allah has something better for you sister, just be patient and trust in Allah, knowing He is keeping you safe.   You are in our prayers.

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