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Ask the Psychologist (Counseling Session)

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohamed-Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Tuesday, Sep. 05, 2017 | 09:00 - 11:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamualaikum. Thank you for approving this question. I really have battle with myself. At my age, I can be categorised as a practising Muslim. I've been studied in the city for almost 4 years. And during 3rd year, I've been approached by a guy that I recently know. I hardly having any feelings to any guy. People said that I'm heartless enough.But he said that he want to change to be better and I relieved to know that. And he want me to be his partner, 5 years more to come. But then, I felt the burden, I felt uneasy with him, I think that I don't have any feelings with him. I don't know why. But I still contacting with him. And he insisted that I need to rely on him and trust him. I want to cut the 'relationship' with him but I always remember that he want to change to be better. And after a year, it became toxic to me. He don't change to be better and I'm became worst. I'm started going out with him, calling until midnight, video call but I still wear the scarf but then comes a day when he want to touch me and I insisted. I always said that I felt guilty for what I've done and he angry since I have duo personality. Commit something and felt guilty for my religion. There's come a day when I felt that this is the right time to let go the relationship that don't grow me and help me in my deen. It easier than I thought. But, I still have the battle. I felt stupid for not believed my uneasy feeling at first and still believed his sweet words. I felt that 'if' and 'if', maybe I won't go this far. And the shadow of my sins keep haunting me until now. Please help me.. thank you sister..



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing into our live session.  It is clear dear sister that you are experiencing deep remorse for your relationship with this guy.  The fact that you did not have feelings for him from the first time that you met him, should have been a clue that he was not for you.  Yet somehow you were enticed to believe that he was good-or was going to change whatever behaviors that were haram, but he did not.

Sister, just because you were not feeling this guy does not mean you are heartless, regardless of what others say.  It is your feelings-and you were right and should have followed your first instincts about him and left him alone but you did not in the hopes that he would change. Many sisters wait on brother’s who promise to change, promise to do this or that, yet never do.   Some waste a lifetime waiting, alhumdulilah you did not. You are not the first sister that has fallen for ‘sweet words and promises” and you won’t be the last, but alhumdulilah you saw through his words and withdrew from this relationship.  Allah is most forgiving.

Sister, this relationship is now in the past.  If you made sincere repentance to Allah, please leave it in the past.  I know it may be hard to move on, but please insha’Allah trust in Allah’s mercy, forgiveness and love for you.  You deserve so much better than this.  Trust that Allah has forgiven you as He said He would-and move on.  In the future dear sister, please do trust your instincts, make duaa to Allah swt for guidance and seek to keep things halal in all manners of getting to know a potential spouse.

Your past need not haunt you my sister for it is just that – the past.  You have given it to Allah by seeking forgiveness so leave it with Allah, now move on insha’Allah, planning for a much more brighter and happier future.  You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

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Me and my husband are married for a year now bt he committs zina alot,he has numerous girlfriends,numerous.he has given me STD thrice nw,no child yet,am so confused right now



as salamu Alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing into our live session with your most important issue.  I am so sorry to hear of your husband’s infidelity, haram actions as well as you being the victim by getting STD’s.  As you havbe only been married a year and you have no children yet, you have some serious thinking to do.  As your marriage started off poorly with him cheating, you have every right to divorce.  While our goal is to save marriages as Allah does hate divorce if you decide to divorce you are within your rights.

I would kindly suggest that you think deeply about your marriage and if you would like to try to save it.  Please make istakharra prayer regarding this most important decision.  If so, it will take the both of you-your husband and you to commit to saving your marriage.  I would kindly suggest if you do, that you both go for marriage counseling as well as attend the Masjid for prayers and Islamic events and friendships.  When couples pray together, have other Muslim couples as friends and build their marriage on an Islamic foundation, there tends to be better outcomes.  In regards to counseling I would kindly suggest that your husband commit to not cheating as well as go for individual counseling to find out what it is inside of himself that makes him cheat.  His cheating has nothing to do with you sister but is a reflection of his own insecurities as well as his disconnection from Allah.

Should he or you not want to commit to saving the marriage, please do seek out the counsel of an imam for divorce proceedings.  I know this is painful sister, but your life is at stake-literally.  If you  remain married to him and he continues to cheat, not only are you at risk for repeated STD’s but you are at risk for one of the most deadliest STD, HIV.   You are blessed in that so far the STD’s he gave you were treatable.  The next time you may contract something that is more deadly and is a lifelong incurable disease severely impacting your quality of life.  Please think hard sister, you are in our prayers, we wish you the best.


Assalamualaikum. I was in a relationship for 5 years with this guy. We met in University and I thought that we could married someday. I caught him cheated on me several times but I forgive him. He comes in a religious family. He also nice to his family and friends. When we started to have our own career... one day, I caught him cheating again.. And I thought that it was normal. But he told me that he slept with her and she was a non muslim. He also told me that he stays with her under the same room he rented for more than 5 months now. I tried to help him after he told me the zina that he had commited. At first he told me that he would leave her.. But after sometime, he suddenly express that he can't leave me or her. He told me that he wanted to have both of us. He told me that he needed time to shalat istikhara so that he could choose either me or her. In my mind, it is so obvious that I am better than her. As I am a muslim and she is not. In a deen perspective I know that I am so much better than her. When he utter the words istikharah to choose between me or the non muslim women, I was shocked and I knew that this guys has lost himself through lust and shaytaan. I knew that undoubtedly he would have just leave the zina and marry me. But I was unable to give him advise because only Allah knows how much dissapointed I was with him. I ended up leaving him because I was hurt. But deep down I pray and du'a to Allah that he would someday change and maybe find me back. Because I've struggled alot to keep this relationship. I knew that even though how much I fight, if he is not written to be with me..he won't be with me. I was actually afraid because no one knew the things he had done. And I feel that I was responsible for advising him before I left him. But I keep on du'a to Allah that Allah will guide him and showered him with hidayah. Sometimes I cried because I was so scared of the sins he commits. And at one point, I ask Allah is it okay for me to give up du'a for this person? Because everytime I du'a for him.. I keep thinking about him. And I know that it's not good for me. As if I can't let him go.. As if I'm not redha with Allah's decision for me. It's been a month now since I leave him.. So, should I keep on du'a for him because whenever I du'a for him I would think about him? Thank you..



as salamu alaykum dear sister,

You stated you were in a relationship with this boy for 5 years.  I do not know what you mean by relationship, only you do and you know that in Islam we do not have boyfriends.  With that said, I will leave that part of the issue between you and Allah.  Regarding this boy and how he comes from a religious family, apparently, he is not that religious as he is committing zina, living with a woman and has cheated several times on you.  It seems to me sister, he has issues.  First of all, he can’t keep his promise to you to be chaste.  He cheats, he lies and worse-he disobeys Allah and commits sins.  Do you want to have a possible marriage with someone like that?  Don’t you feel you deserve someone who is pious, fears Allah and will be a faithful, trusted a husband who will guide you (and any future children) Islamically?  I feel you deserve better.

As far as him making istakharra about who to marry-you or a non-Muslim woman, as he is commiting zina and disobeying Allah I am not sure if Allah will answer his prayer.  Additionally, while you may feel you are a better choice, only Allah knows. This non-Muslim woman has not taken shahadda, she is not yet responded to Allah by an oath. Perhaps she does not even see the errors of her ways. Perhaps, Allah may use this boy to lead her to Islam and she may become a wonderful Muslim, who knows? We cannot say we are the better choice sister, only Allah knows.  However what ever the choice or case may be, if she does end up with him and becomes a practicing Muslim, surely she would deserve better than him.

While it is good to make duaa for our brothers and sisters who have fallen short or are in need of spiritual guidence, please do not do so with the intention of marrrying him sister, if you make duaa do so for the sake of Allah to assist one who has fallen short.  Remember also that while we can make duaa for others, it is up to that individual to want to change and repair their relationship with Allah.  Allah will change the condition of a people if they change the condition of themmselves.  In this case, it would mean that this boy stops his haram lifestyle, sincerely repent to Allah for his sins and stay on the right path.  This is something you cannot chage, it is between him and Allah swt.

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you move on with your life, forget this boy (yes you will  need time as you knew him 5 years)  and try to insha’Allah focus on things that are more spiritually upbuilding for you and your life, which of course includes getting closer to Allah swt and trusting in Him with your heart, life plans as well as any future marriage. We wish you the best you are in our prayers.

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Salam Alaikum...i am a male 24 years old, i have a problem that has really been bothering me and i kept thinking about it all the time.i noticed that i am having some sexuall problem though i am not married nd hav never had sex b4..but i noticed that i hav a below normal size pen*s and also probably suffering from premature ejaculation bcos even if i had a wet dream i hardly last a single minitues nd in so many instancies i have known that i have this problem...my problem fear is that 1.can i get married while i know i am having this problem nd may not likely satisfy her sexually. 2.do i need to inform the girl i intend to marry of my problems 3.if yes how do i tell her/if no what should i do 4.is there any medication or cure for this cause i have never taken any medication for this peoblem ....i will be grateful i could get some answer on this questions. Lastly i really want to say jazakumulahu khairan for all ur good work i hav realy benefited alot from your Q$A



as salamu alaykum brother,

Shokran for writing into our live session.  As I understand, you are concern about the size of your penis as well pre-mature ejaculation. First of all brother, penis size is relative, meaning what are you comparing your penis size too? Stories you have heard, pictures you have seen or an idea of what size you think it should be?  Your concern about pensis size is a common concern of many young men, especially those who are virgins and do not yet know of sexual relationships.  It is a worry that causes many young men sleepless nights unnecessarily. Most young men often find that after they are married that their fears of size and satisfying their wives were unfounded fears.  Also, it is a fear that is normal!

As you are a virgin alhamdulillah, you are naturally concerned with the functioning of your body, and the size of your penis in regards to satisfying your wife as you have not been married before and have no experience to compare it to.   I am confident, brother, that your future wife will be satisfied with you sexually.  As virgins, you both will be excited and somewhat afraid maybe of the first few sexual encounters. This is natural and normal. You both will begin to learn how to please each other and make your intimate moments enjoyable. This also includes your ‘issue” of premature ejaculation.  As you are not sexually experienced, brother, you have not yet developed or learned how to control your ejaculation and wet dreams are not an indicator of how you will perform.

Naturally, when you are first married, you and your wife will need some time to develop sexual techniques and ways to make your love making last. This comes with experience.  Right now you are excitable sexually and when married it will be the same way.  However, with time you will learn how to control your ejaculation as you get used to the new sensations of love making.  Most married men do ejaculate prematurely from time to time but it is nothing to worry about. I would kindly suggest that you focus on you and your future wife’s relationship by building a closeness based on honesty, trust, love, and sensitivity to each other’s needs.  Take your time with your future wife in the bedroom, after all you both will be new to making love.  Instead of looking at it as a dreaded event, try insha’Allah to look at it as a new bonding experience that will bring you both closer as you learn new things together.

I would not tell any future wife that you have a smaller penis and premature ejaculation. First of all, it is probably not true, secondly, you are disclosing things that may embarrass her or set up a situation wherein she may start looking for these things and lose confidence in herself.  I would kindly suggest that you try to understand that penises come in all sizes and generally have the ability to provide pleasure!  Also, I  am confident that your penis is of normal size as studies have shown that most men who feel their penis is too small in fact have an average size penis.  With that said, with marriage comes learning, experience and the ability to begin to control ejaculation.  Right now you cannot learn techniques to control it as you are not married, therefore dear brother you must trust in the fact that through a loving marriage you will learn how to control your ejaculation.

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I kindly suggest that you have the confidence in yourself and your Creator that everything will be fine once you are married and begin to grow into your sexuality with your wife.  Until then, please do focus on other area’s of marriage which will help produce a loving and solid union.  Sex will come naturally insha’Allah between you and your future wife, just trust in Allah and know you are not the only man who has these fears.  Insha’Allah once you are married you will find all your fears were unfounded.  We wish you the best.


Assalamoaleykum, my question is about telepathic conversations, love and intimacy between soulmates or twinflames. Is it haram to get intimate with your soulmate telepathically in Islam? I am in love with my classfellow who is also in love with me. We never talk, neither in real, nor by some other chat sources. My school is over and I've not seen him for the past two months but I'm constantly thinking about him 24/7. We never had any relationship, we weren't even friends as I'm quite religious and he too. He once wished me on eid-ul-fitr by sending me a message. Beside this we never had any conversation regarding other things. But for the last couple of days I feel like he talks to me, he asks me questions about how I'm doing and I answer his questions and so we can hear each other thoughts. Whenever he calls/misses me, I feel some kind of pressure in my chest area and I can hardly breath. I didn't know about soulmates or twinflames until I searched my problem. Now lately he is saying a lot of intimate things to me that how much he loves me, how I am his heart and how he can't live without me. He says he will ask my hand once we have completed our studies. To this, I never got problem but one day I felt like someone was touching my lips and kissing them. I felt my lips tingling and late after I heard myself saying don't do this please, this is haram to which he replied: don't you want to feel me? I said yes but it's not the right time and we have to wait, we will do it but in a halal way. He stopped and we both started crying and then I asked him to pray and ask forgiveness from Allah as this is forbidden in Islam. But the next day he kept asking me to kiss him back and kept kissing me and kept saying that this is not haram as we are not doing it in real. Now he does this everyday and I feel his sexual energy and can't stop myself from responding. I can't ask this from him in real as this is inappropriate and this all is making me depressed as I don't want to do something that is not allowed in islam.



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing into our live session. While I am familiar with twin flames and soulmates, my knowledge on whatever telepathic experiences you are having is limited.  As I am not an Islamic scholar, I am not even sure that it is acceptable in Islam as Allah is the All Knowing. Possibly what you are experiencing is a strong desire for this boy, so strong that your mind has started to believe all these thoughts are from him and that the sensations are real when in fact they are not.  Another Islamic issue is that of the whisperings of the shaitan.  The shaitan can get into our feelings sister and make us think and feel all kinds of things if we are not careful.

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you attempt to block these ‘conversations/thoughts” as much as possible.  When they start happening-imagine a big red stop sign in your mind.  Then make dua to Allah to help them go away and seek refugee in Allah from the shaitan.  While you may be comfortable with these conversations and experiences (with the exception of the kissing) I would kindly suggest that you seek out an evaluation from a counselor in your area to rule out any mental health issues that may be causing these emotions and physical feelings.  Additionally dear sister, please do write into our ‘Ask the Scholar” section for a more Islamic perspective on what you are going through in regards to the whisperings and the feelings of being kissed.  While some people may have spiritual connections, this one certainly is not a good one. This is not of Allah’s blessings, this is not something that would be given to either of you as a ‘Gift” from Allah (soulmate) as it involves haram inovations and thoughts.  I would seriously re-think your position on this dear sister and seek out counseling as well as scholarly Islamic guidence regarding this situation before it goes too far.  I am sorry I could not be more of a help but the best I can offer you is to follow up as soon as possible Islamically as well as psychologically.

We wish you the best.


Assalamu Alaikum. I come from a broken home, my parents are divorced and I live with my dad and step mom, its not that bad we get along well enough but for as long as I can remember I've struggled with inferiority complex, self hate, depression and Panic attacks. Im a very awkward person. I coke from a middle class family but my father is never contented and likes tonrub shoulders with the rich so because if that he sent me to a private university where my inferiority complex got worse. Everyone could see that I didn't belong in that class of students, to make it worse sometimes my dad couldn't raise enough money to pay my fees on time, which makes me resume school sometimes two weeks to exam. This made me a bad student and a joke in ky faculty, I couldn't keep up with the syllabus, maybe I could have done better but I didn't and so cause of that I failed out of school. I'm a drop out and my family doesn't even know, they think I've finished university. Now everyday I have panic attacks thinking about when they find out, I am constantly thinking about suicide. The worst part is I think I've lost faith in Allah, I regret being born everyday. I'm thinking of committing suicide or running away. What do I do.



as salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing into our live session.  I can certainly understand your frustrations and sense of low confidence as you were put into a university wherein your dad could not keep up with the payments thus causing you to miss many classes.  That would make it hard for anyone to catch up sister as well as put pressure and stress on you that is undue.

As you indicated, your family is middle class yet your dad never appears to be satisfied thus rubbing shoulders” with those who are wealthier and going to lengths to provide opportunities which are not within his means such as sending you to this university.   Sister, often our parents may not seem satisfied by the way we view their actions when in fact perhaps your dad is trying to make connections for a better life or job or in your case, give you a better future.  While we are to be content with what Allah has given us in this life, we are to strive to do better, however, jelousy, envy and other traits which are undesirable should not be part of our personality-feelings as that is haram.

While I cannot speak on your father’s motives or wishes concerning his not being satisfied with his lot in life, perhaps if you try to view it as his striving to give you and your family better opportunities maybe that will help.   It is not fair to you, however, to have to miss out on classes because he cannot afford the payments or is late with them due to lack of funds.  Perhaps you may wish to research universities that are more affordable than you would like to propose to him for your education.  I would kindly suggest not talking about it from a financial perspective but from one of a personal choice, educational benefits, and opportunities that surpass the current school.  In this way, he may not get offended due to the sensitivities of what he can or cannot actually provide.

As far as your anxiety,  panic attacks,  depression, self-hatred, and inferiority complex, I would kindly suggest dear sister that you start a journal.  Please start a list.  Your goal is to pinpoint when these feelings first started, what events if any triggered them as well as try to sort out how you came to feel this way.  Also, please make a list of your positive attributes, your blessings and your aspirations for the future.  Write down steps of how you can accomplish these goals as well as steps you may take to over come these negative self-thoughts and feelings.  I feel that insha’Allah you are a beautiful, intelligent young woman who is under tremendous stress and pressure and you have been from some time.  This in itself can lead to depression, self-hate as well as other psychological symptoms if we are constantly trying to live up to something that imposed upon us from another’s vision.  I would kindly suggest dear sister that you begin the journey of healing via journaling as well as seek out counseling from a therapist in your area.  A good counselor can be of tremendous benefit towards your overcoming these issues as well as your personal self-growth.

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As far as suicide sister, you know it is haram, and insha’Allah you know you do have a wonderful life ahead despite the tests you are going through now.  I kindly ask you to make a contact that you will not harm/kill yourself.  Write it on paper, sign it and give it to someone you are close to.  This is your contract with yourself.  If you feel that you will harm yourself, remember your contract and call the Suicide Prevention Hotline (1).  This is a 1-800 number, insha’Allah it will work in your country.  If not, go to the hospital sister.  As you know, when one is depressed sister everything is more difficult, even our relationship with Allah may suffer-it is the nature of depression. Please do insha’Allah continue to seek out Allah’s guidance no matter how bad you feel and insha’Allah you will see and feel the blessings.  As far as dropping out of school and your parents and family think you have finished, well I would not bring that up until you have started counseling.  Once you have begun to address your mental health issues and grow stronger, a counselor will be able to help you navigate telling your parents as well as propose other educational idea’s as discussed above.

Sister, this is a temporary test.  I am confident you will get through it insha’Allah and come out a much wiser and stronger person, perhaps even helping others with your success story.   Remember Allah loves you sister and He will never leave you.

Please do seek out counseling as soon as possible, know you are loved, worthy and valuable.  Please let us know how you are doing you are in our prayers.

1-https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/