Ads by Muslim Ad Network

aaa

Ask the Psychologist Counseling Live Session

Aisha Mohammad
25 July, 2016

Salam ‘Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters,

 

Thanks to all who joined our Counseling Session with our Counselor Aisha Mohamed Swan on Wednesday, July 27th, 2016. You can read the complete questions and answers below.

 

Stay tuned for our coming live sessions.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

You can always send your question related to clinical disorders, cultural, individual, family and relationship issues to [email protected]

 

Wednesday, Jul. 27, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Mom told me that my father adopted a daughter when I was about to born. He adopted a child because he has never had a daughter. Now me and her (adopted daughter) have been lived together for almost 6 years. It was really hard at first when mom told me that she’s actually just an adopted daughter, I couldn’t really believed it and accepted it. Because all I know she’s a step daughter of my father and my father treats me differently and for me it’s sort of unjust as if I am the one who’s been adopted, he makes me number two and she’s always be number one. The thing is he promised my mom to never tell her about her real identity in our family, he would never let her know who she actually is. He’s really keen to love and protect her by considering her as if she’s an orphan. Until my mom thought that my father could really divorce her and then leave us and take that adopted child away with him from us IF we treat her bad or we let her know it. Sometimes she's the cause of troubles between mom and dad. It was just yesterday my father told me the truth, he said how poor she is, she neither has parents nor kith and kin, she's alone, she's a gift from Allah to you, so I should really protect and cherish her with love and mercy, even though sometimes she didn't do the same to us (our family) she even did the opposite. He said he doesn’t distinguish between me and her. He swore to me that even until he die no one could ever tell her if she’s actually been adopted by my father, even if someone tell her that, I should be the one who convince her that she’s my father’s biologist children. It’s hard for me to chew all that information directly from my father. I don’t know what to do after he told me that, I just nodded and said Insha Allah I’ll try to keep her heart but I do really want to tell him he couldn’t be like that and or do that, he could still treats her like his own real kid but just let her know the real information, yet I didn’t dare to say that as we as a children should not talk back.He’s afraid if she knows the truth, it is going to be a heartbreaking moment of her life or she will be depressed as my dad doesn’t want to try to find her real parents because he knew how she’s like, she’s a bit feeble and currently we’re all she has. So what should I do? Shall we let her know that info when he’s gone? What should I say to her and to my dad? What about her marriage if my father still insist on being her wali when she wants to marry? So how is it in Islam? What is the best possible way out? JazakAllahukhair



As-salamu alaykum,
It must have been a shock for you to hear all of this and it may take some time for you to adjust to the news that your sister is in fact not your biological sister. While there seems to be an exaggerated sense of protection from your father to your sister, you may never know the real circumstances of her adoption. Perhaps your father is trying to protect her from some very sad news or devastating information that may hurt her later on but we do not know. Perhaps he knew her mother and in fact perhaps he knows who is the father. However, for whatever reasons, he fears disclosure, only Allah knows. There are Islamic laws pertaining to this and insha’Allah you father will be able to adhere to them one day as he realizes that as a Muslim, it is the right thing to do. Until then, I would kindly suggest that you listen to your father concerning his requests, treat your sister like you would any sister and make dua that your dad does the right thing in regards to the true identity of his adopted daughter. While I am not an Islamic scholar, I do know that adopted children do have rights and insha’Allah, Allah will touch your father’s heart, or relieve his feelings of anxiety or whatever it is that is troubling him about this-and free his mind to do the right thing. Until then, as you are still a child in his home, and really, this is a matter for your parents to resolve, especially your dad, try to exert mercy, forgiveness and patience. It is not your adopted sister’s fault, but rather a bad decision by your father to not disclose her adoption for whatever reason, so please sister, don’t take it out on her. Insha’Allah, Allah SWT will reveal all in a way that does not harm her or others involved. “…Nor has He made your adopted sons your (biological) sons. Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths. But Allah tells (you) the Truth, and He shows the (right) Way. Call them by (the names of) their fathers; that is juster in the sight of Allah. But if you know not their father’s (names, call them) your brothers in faith, or your trustees. But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein. (What counts is) the intention of your hearts. And Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful.” (Qur’an 33:4-5).
You are in our prayers sister, please let us now how you are doing.

My daughter is turning 13 this year and she has already reached the age of puberty. I am trying my best to convince her to wear the hijab, but she always says her peers would make fun of her being the only Muslim in the class. Can you suggest some interesting tips for me to use? Can I force her to wear it or threaten her with something she likes?



As-salamu alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us. While you could threaten her, you would not like the results. It would only serve to make her want to run further away from the hijab as she may associate it with punishment and manipulation. I would however, encourage her to wear it by offering her small rewards when she does wear it. This way, she will associate it with good things not bad. Also, encourage her to find her own style of hijab which she feels comfortable in. Show her different styles of hijab of girls her age in Islamic magazines and on-line. Ask her about her favorite colors, materials, styles etc. Look at the clothes she wears and notate what she likes. Try to buy scarves that will match or compliment her style and leave them lying out for her. It may pique her interest.
Getting her involved in Islamic social activities with girls her age who wear hijab may also help. As she goes out more often with girls who cover, she may eventually decide to cover all the time. It is something she will need to get use to, to grow into and accept for the sake of Allah, as well as wanting to conform to her peers around her as she is still young. As she is at an age of understanding, it is important to talk about the wearing of hijab and why women are to wear hijab. You can discuss how Allah commands women to cover as He loves us and want us to remain safe, sage as pearls in a shell as diamonds in rocks. You can illustrate and compare her beauty to something that is sacred and to be cherished. Most important is to advise her on obedience to Allah and love for Allah regarding wearing hijab, and ask her to pray on it.
You can’t really force her sister, you can only gently guide her, encourage her, show her the blessings and benefits and provide her with good examples. Hijab is something that not only reverts, but young girls born into Muslim families sometimes have to adjust to. Loving, gentle encouragements will go much further insha’Allah, than harsh strict, punitive measures. You want her to fall in love with hijab, not turn it into an object of resentment and hatred. Insha’Allah with patience, time and encouragement, your daughter will outgrow her fear of what her classmates will say, and be more concerned with pleasing Allah. It is a growing process. At this age it is difficult, but with difficulty comes ease. You are in our prayers, please let us know how things are going.

As-salamu alaykum.I need your help, I have a problem with my son ,he is undisciplined, and he doesn't respect me or his father and even the old aged. This really embarrasses me.He is very frank, and can say anything that comes into his mind. My maid cannot cope with him because of this. He says everybody hates him and nobody loves him including me, his own mother despite that we provide him the best in terms of everything. I don’t know why he act like that Please advise



As-salamu alaykum,

While you did not say how old your son is, it does sound like he is seeking attention and testing his limits. Children also often act out when they are unhappy, angry, sad or have other negative emotions. I would kindly suggest trying to talk with him about what is bothering him (age appropriate) and do more listening rather than talking. I would also suggest that if you are not already, spend time with him doing things he finds enjoyable. It will create trust and further bonding insha’Allah. Ask about school, how things are going for him as far as friends, grades and studies. Often times when there are problems in school or making friends, it comes out in a child’s behavior. Lastly, get him involved in Islamic studies for children as well as fun Islamic activities. Being around other boys who are respectful and kind may help him see his behaviors are not appropriate and insha’Allah he may start modeling the positive behaviors he sees. If you notice further signs of depression such as crying, lethargy, threats of self harm, disturbed sleeping or eating patterns, nightmares, or destructive behaviors (throwing, hitting, breaking things etc.) please do engage a child therapist to evaluate him. While depending on his age he may just be testing the boundaries (which you must set for him) it is better to get him evaluated if it continues or worsens despite your attempts to find out his feelings and correct his behaviors. You are in our prayers, please let us know how he is doing.

Asalamu `alaikum. I am 28 years old seperated woman. I was married at the age of 22 and was seperated at age of 26. I am teaching in a government school. After my seperation, I am living in my parents’ home. Having 3 brothers and one sister. One brother is younger while all others are married. I have faced serious issues here after my seperation. We have a triple storey house but there is no room for me. I sleep in the lounge. Behaviour of brothers and sisters in laws is very worst. All of my furniture is under use of my sister in laws. Its been two years of my seperation but no one has tried for my settlement. According to my family my life has end. They are not social enough so they can’t find any proposal for me so I have to spend my life as it is. Secondly I gave almost half of my salary to my mother, because my brothers don’t support them financially. Alhmdolilah I am a good muslim. But sometimes the evil thoughts came in my mind that I shouldnt give them. And I have to save it for my future. But then I think that I am earning because my parents have given me education. And if I support them Allah will benefit me insh Allah. But still that evil thoughts capture my mind all time. My headmistress friends once visited our school. she proposed me for her nephew. Who is married already have a wife and want to marry for kids. I have no kids from my previous marriage because my husbnds active sperm count was zero. Now I am so confused and scared. Should I entertain this proposal or not? What if I would have no kids? What if I won’t get any proposal at this age? I havent told my parents about this proposal. I want to settle down. I want my own family. Please help



As-salamu alaykum sister,
First of all, at 28 you are still young. If I understand you correctly, you are separated and not divorced. As it has been two years and you still are not divorced, I kindly suggest you seek out legal assistance to get the divorce done yourself. You can’t marry until you are divorced. That is the first thing. Secondly, look at your situation as a temporary one (your sister in laws using your furniture, etc.) because it is. You will move on with your life, have your belongings back insha’Allah and have a live which makes you happy. Often times we go through tests and trials to make us stronger. Look at this period in your life as one of those times. Take this opportunity to begin to put your life back together the way you want it. Continue to help out at home, but tell your brothers you will be contributing less as you need to save for your future and they need to help your parents as well, as it is prescribed by Allah SWT.
Sister, you will never know who Allah has for you until you are divorced. Once you are divorced, insha’Allah, Allah will bless you with a wonderful husband. Allah cannot bring you a good Muslim brother while you are still married to another can He? So please, get your divorce insha’Allah and make dua to Allah that He brings you who He has for you. You may be very happy with the result! However, you must take the first steps by becoming a single woman again in order for his to happen. Regarding marrying the man who is married and wants children, I encourage you to wait until you are divorced and everything is settled before you decide to commit. Think about this very carefully as you are currently in a situation in which you want to get out of, and you feel no one will be available to marry you. Please do insha’Allah wait. After your divorce is finalized and things are settled, you may not see things the same way. Please be patient, Allah knows best.
You are in our prayers sister, please let us know how you are.

Assalamu alaikum. I am from India. I am 23 years old. I love my cousin who is 5 months younger than me. We both wanted to marry each other. When my guardians started looking for groom I told about him but they rejected him on the basis of that he was the youngest in his siblings and none of them were married yet. I cried a lot in my prayers and even do daily supplications to Allah to make him my mahram. My parents fixed my marriage with some other guy but I don't like him. I still have feelings for my cousin. Whenever I try to convert my mind or wanted to think about my fiance then I get feelings of doing something wrong. I get irritated listening about my fiance. I don't know what do I do.? My parents had problems marrying me with my cousin due to some family issues. He didn't even wanted a single penny from my parents. But my parents didn't agree. They didn't listen to me. My would be in laws demanded dowry in form of cash even after being a haji. They have performed hajj even they are doing this, worst part is my parents are agree on this as they say this is the rituals of the society. I feel like they insult me. I don’t want to start my life with doing this haram ritual but nobody listens me. I would marry any Muslim guy who doesn't want dowry. My parents says if we don't give dowry my would be in laws would end this engagement. I pray to Allah to break off this engagement. My parents don't understand me. What to do. I really get feelings of something wrong happening...!



As-salamu alaykum dear sister,

First of all, you have the right to marry any man of your choice as long as he fits the Islamic requirements. From what you have said, things do seem backwards in regards to the Dowry. In Islam, the husband is suppose to give the wife (not family) a mahr (dowry). The women’s family does not pay a dowry to the mans family! Please sister, do bring out the Qur’an and read to them the Islamic requirements regarding dowry, marriage and a woman’s right to chose. A woman cannot be married against her will. As far as customs and culture, we are Muslims, and Islamic rules and way of life come first. Allah SWT’s orders do not come second to culture and customs. While it will not be easy I do not advise you to marry this man your parents have arranged for you, but rather point out the Islamic rulings and seek a local imam whom you trust to help you with this situation. If one is not to be found, find a sister’s group/organization that promotes the rights of women within Islamic rulings. Lastly, whatever steps you take to stand firm upon Islam and your rights, make sure you are safe and not in any danger from anyone. We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers, please let us know how you are.

As-salam Alaikum Dear Counselor, Please help me find my way. It is over. After 8 days of him sleeping in the living room without talking to me and coming home at 4-5 am, yesterday he passed me by the hall way as if we were strangers. I cried to my sister who encouraged me to get a divorce. Which I never wanted to utter from my mouth. I prayed maghreb and called him after. Part of me was hoping to get him to talk to me so we could sort out things. I had just started with "I don't think this is working for us" when he said he feels the same way and was just waiting for me and that he is done with this marriage. He said he will send me the talaq through email and asked me "what about your stuff". I told him I will get my stuff. I asked my sister to come help me pack and we left. I have forsaken my mahar and told him that I forgive him for it. It was supposed to be Hajj and I know it will be wrong for me to get cash instead and use it for something other than hajj, so I told him I have forgiven and relieve him from it. And he said "Amen". He was cold to me and I am still shocked how my marriage just went down the drain within a blink of an eye. I knew it was coming, he said he never loved me and had treated me wrong for the past 10 months, but I always tried to make it work. I have made Tauba and still pray to Allah SWT to guide me. I sleep on the floor at my sister's place sharing a room with my mother. Which I find solace in that since my mother is elderly and find comfort in her presence. But when I look at my stuff bundled in my sister's living-room, living off a suitcase and plastic bags... I twinge. I don't want to regret. Please help me. How do I move on?



As salamu alaykum dear sister,
I am sorry to hear of your marriage falling apart. It is such a hurtful event and can be difficult to get over. You need time to gather your thoughts, grieve if needed, begin to heal and let go, and look to a brighter future. I would kindly suggest not being too hard on yourself. As women we often try to find fault in only ourselves, or think we did not try hard enough. Often times a marriage may not work because two people were not suitable for each other. While it may have been better had he agreed to go for marriage counseling, the fact is, he did not. Insha’Allah, you can begin to focus on yourself, what makes you happy, what you hope to do and achieve in this life. It can also be a time for drawing closer to Allah SWT through prayer, Islamic study and dhzikr. Allah is most merciful.
I suggest dear sister that you start a journal and write down your positive qualities daily, along with your aspirations, abilities, hopes and dreams. Every week, set a goal that you will complete insha’Allah such as going for a walk in nature, going to a gym, having lunch with a friend, helping someone in need and so on. The litle things in life can bring joy as well as opportunity. As your being without your husband is new, it may take some time before you really adjust and figure out what you would like to do with your life. However, your options are vast! Be open to change and good things. Reflect on your journal of positive things to help keep you from depression. Sleeping on the floor next to your beloved mom will not last forever, and one day you will look back insha’Allah and wish for these intimate times with your mom. While it is unsettling to see your things in bags and suitcases in your sisters living room, it won’t be forever and alhumdulilah you have a safe home to go to. Many women do not. Try to use this time dear sister to find what it is you would like to do with your life as well as set a criteria for what you believe a loving marriage to be. It sounds as if you were not in one, and for the future, it is important that you learn the traits and qualities of a potential loving husband. There are many good articles on AboutIslam which I recommend you read. Not only are they enjoyable and informative, but they will help you in the future when you are ready to marry again insha’Allah. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.