Ads by Muslim Ad Network

aaa

Ask the Psychologist (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
29 November, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Thursday, Nov. 29, 2018 | 12:00 - 13:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam. I read so many questions about past sins guilt and repentance but I still have to ask. I am being tormented by past sins. I repented but I still feel bad about them. Allah is the most merciful and doubting his mercy is itself a sin I think.

I can't stop thinking about the past and I do think in some way it's sheytan that is trying to make me doubt about God's mercifulness but I still have my Iman and I know God forgives believers that sincerely repent. I just wish there was a way for me to move on in life and forget about the past.

I wish I could go back and change the past but unfortunately, I cant. I do not want God to be not happy about me and I end up in hellfire. I try to stay away from everything that God had forbidden and done good deeds. How can one live a normal life if you are hopeless of God's mercy?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. You sound like a very wonderful Muslim, who is very concerned about pleasing Allah swt. It also appears that you have done much research and reading about Allah’s mercy and forgiveness.

 

Fearing and Loving Allah

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Your desire to go back in time and never have committed these sins is normal and natural. It shows you really love Allah and fear to go against what He has ordered us to refrain from. In reality, though, you know that you can’t go back. Being a conscious Muslim however, you know that your sins are forgiven because Allah in His Mercy tells us this in the Qur’an. Deep down you probably know that you are forgiven because you probably have sought sincere repentance.

 

Excessive Thoughts

You know Islamically that Allah forgives us if we sincerely repent, however you still focus and obsess upon thoughts of not being forgiven.  You also have thoughts that revisit the past by thinking about your sins. You think about these things a lot it seems, and it appears these thoughts are intrusive but I do not know for certain. I am not sure if you are experiencing “obsessive” thoughts in other areas of your life and I would kindly suggest that you evaluate your thought patterns regarding other matters in your life. For example, have you ever thought excessively about a school exam or had thoughts that wouldn’t go away concerning other things in your life like deadlines,  work, mistakes on the job, etc?

 

Your thinking continuously about your past sins may indeed be a sign of anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) as they are unwanted intrusive thoughts that you cannot get rid of.   Rationally, you have enough Islamic knowledge to know that Allah does forgive and is merciful. Therefore your over-thinking upon these things may signify a mental health issue, one that can be resolved insha’Allah.

 

Anxiety

Often times when we have conditions of anxiety it can manifest in various ways.  Some ways are panic attacks, other ways are repetitive behaviors some people experience deep fear, others have intrusive, unwanted thoughts. I am not stating that’s what you have, but I am asking that insha’Allah, you seek out a counselor in your area for an assessment. It may be that you are experiencing some form of anxiety.  I cannot diagnose you, only a counselor who does an assessment on you can get to the root of these unwanted thoughts concerning sins.

 

Assessment & Counseling

I kindly suggest that you get an assessment and ongoing counseling to resolve this issue insha’Allah. I can advise insha’Allah, that you begin to explore other feelings and symptoms that you may have that may be related to anxiety. You may wish to check out online forms and articles relating to symptoms of anxiety and OCD. There are even self-questionnaires that you could do to see if you have symptoms (1) but again they are not diagnostic they’re just simply rough estimates of how high on an anxiety scale you may score. The most beneficial advise insha’Allah, is to seek counseling and begin towards the healing journey so you can truly put all of this behind you.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/health/anxiety-test

Assalamualaikum. I had my marriage contract signed a year ago, and a few months later the wedding. I was talking to that guy and completely felt that he was my husband. Now he and his family refused our marriage. I don't know the reason. Please help me to get him back as my husband. Please help me by giving a solution.



as salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry that the guy’s family refused marriage. A year has gone by since you got an offer for marriage, however, his family took too long to decide and then said no.

 

Fallen Marriage Plans

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Sister, I am so sorry that you got put in this position.  It must be so hard emotionally to have waited all that time, trusting in the process and then be told no.  I know that hurt you deeply. In between, you were talking to him and now you feel like he is your husband. Sister these are very natural feelings. You both were planning on being husband and wife and apparently developed a closeness, or at least you did towards that goal.

 

Freedom to Marry the one who is Permissible

I don’t know why his parents put off the marriage for such a long time, however, what’s done is done. I can only advise you to either approach the guy with a parent or other family member and talk about marriage. As you both are adults you do not need his family’s permission for marriage. In Islam, we are free to marry who we want as long as they meet Islamic requirements. In fact, it is advisable to get married as soon as possible once you feel you are compatible. It is not wise to put off marriage as some do, because of the risk of falling into haram behaviors as well as families intervening and forcing their children to back out of marriages.  This is not Islam. While it is nice to have our parents blessings and support for marriage,  it is not necessary. Oftentimes people do get married without their parents’ permission or blessings. It takes a family some time to adjust to this assertive action, but most families do come around sooner or later. That is one option that the two of you have- just get married.

 

If the guy is not willing to go against his parents, then there’s nothing you can do about it. If that is the case I would kindly suggest dear sister that you just move on. I know this is very hard to hear and even harder to try to do. If you put your mind to it, it can be done.  Insha’Allah, make duaa to Allah.  Ask Allah to grant you ease and mercy regarding your feelings for this guy.  Insha’Allah, your feelings for him will dissipate over time.  Parental constraints concerning marriage and the often long time waiting periods imposed, is a big part of the issue here.  Another is that when we plan to get married to somebody and we talked to them over long periods of time, we get close to them. We get emotionally attached. This is one of the reasons why it is better to not do a lot of talking except for the task of getting to know one another for marriage.  Emotional attachments can hurt when severed.

 

Moving On

Sister if he does not want to get married (and it really is up to him), please do move on. I encourage you to insha’Allah, get involved with your friends, social activities, school or work, going to the Masjid and drawing closer to Allah. These are things are activities which will help get your mind off of him and will help you heal. There is no easy solution sadly, as we cannot force anyone to do anything. The only thing we can do on our part is to either ask the other person, or get on with our lives. We wish you the best you’re in our prayers.

Salam Aleikom dear counselor. I am 27 years old, married for 7 years. We have been through some hard challenges with my husband. We are from different cultures. I feel all this time we were just on the surface but did not really form common goals and plans for our future together. We were living together like roommates. We were working hard on figuring out who we really are, our strengths and weaknesses, what we really want to achieve in life – things we somehow did not do when we were younger. we were just kind of going with the flow, stuck in the cycle of monotone everyday life.

Finally, we are having purely honest conversations, we show our real selves (and not trying to pretend things just so that we do not upset the other one) and we started to realize that we have too many common stuff, we are very similar – which is now a bit in a negative sense as it makes our relationship boring although we are now working a lot on having some fun and break the boring. We have now deeper conversations (and not fights) but there is one major issue we cannot have a clear picture on.

In fact, I myself cannot have a clear picture about it what I want to do about it – this issue is having children. I do not fully refuse the idea because when I think of my future, imagining myself as an older lady, it hurts me to see her without children around. On the other hand I still wanna work on my goals, I still wanna travel and live, and the fact that my husband is not the type of man who would share parenthood with me as much as I wish he does not help (such as leaving the child with him for a few hours in the weekend because I have some work or wanna be alone). I am super confused.

I think I want to be a mother (although as an introvert I am so afraid of not having time alone with myself. I am afraid to become aggressive or depressed). I am not sure if motherhood is for me. But I do not want to end up living alone if I get older.

I am also confused whether I have these frustrating feelings towards motherhood because I chose the wrong man to be my husband, from whom I do not feel the support and care and I should divorce because we simply do not match (he has a bit the “my way or the highway” attitude. He does not mind me working and achieving the goals, my “free time” but the home, the kids, and him must be my priority) or the problem is in me that I am delaying this responsibility and I should just “woman up” myself and trust in Allah that He will help me arrange everything. please help with my confusion!

I actually have a plan B if he divorces me (I feel he wishes this option, he often talks about having a second wife to “complete me”, or talks about things that he wishes I had). I am just obviously afraid to make this step or let him make this step after 7 years. He has many good qualities actually, and I like his level of faith.

I got used to him, but sometimes I really wish to be single and start my life anew: first focus on my career goals and then find someone that really completes me, go to premarital counseling together, etc.



as salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session sister. You stated that you’re 27 and have been married for 7 years. It is only recently that you and your husband have broken out of the “monotony of everyday life” and started to really get to know one another. Your good news is that now you are both having honest conversations and realize that you have a lot of things in common.  You found out that you and your husband are very similar.

 

Marriage: Too Similar and Compatible?

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Similar interests and compatibility a very good thing. It is important to have things in common for a successful marriage.  It creates bonds and makes things easier when two people are agreeable on a number of issues.  You see it as both a positive and a negative in a sense because you feel it makes your relationship boring. You did state that you and your husband are working on taking breaks and trying to have some fun together. It seems that both of you have great insight into your marriage regarding this aspect.  You found solutions you are willing to try to make things more exciting.  This is great!  So many couples do not know how to “jump start” a marriage that has gotten “boring” but you and your husband do. Insha’Allah you both will give this a chance to bring you closer as you discover new things and enjoy each others company.

 

Spicing up a Marriage

Sister finding a spouse that you have things in common with is hard to do sometimes. It is a blessing when it happens. While you do see the good things in this, you also acknowledge that having someone that you were married to be so much like you can be boring. I would kindly suggest insha’Allah, that you and your husband sit down and talk with one another about new things you can do together to break up the monotony. Perhaps each one of you can make a list of things or hobbies that you would like to try for the first time and put your list together and choose a few of them to do together. Learning new things in life and trying different things from time to time can often lead to an enriched lifestyle. By trying new things together you are insha’Allah increasing your closeness, building memories, and learning new things. Discovering new interests can produce many wonderful things.

 

Enriching your Islamic Foundation

To further enrich your times together insha’Allah, you and your husband may want to do something simple such as take a walk, go to a movie or out to dinner. This would enhance your quality time together just enjoying each others company. Also, you may want to spend time studying the Qur’an together or take an Islamic class.  The benefits of gaining more Islamic knowledge and drawing closer to Allah is the foundation for successful marriages as I am sure you know.  I suggest this because often times when couples get into “the daily grind “ of working every day, coming home and doing the same thing, yes it can become tiresome.  By incorporating time for Allah and Islamic study on a regular basis will help keep you focused on the Islamic principles and foundations of a marriage.

 

Children, Time and Supports

As far as wanting a child, have you had a discussion with your husband about how much he would help out? Are there others who live near you such as family who could help with a baby? Are either of you in the financial position to hire a babysitter so that it may free up some of your time? There are many things to think about when it comes to having children and also having alone time. True, once you start having children a lot of the focus will be on home and family.  However, many women do still have their careers and their families as well. They often seek a supportive balance, so one or the other does not have to suffer. In your case you are worried about free time for yourself and career.  Time is a much-needed thing for moms. Oftentimes when women start having children they also have other women friends who have children. This can lead to play groups taking turns babysitting as well as a support system in general. Sometimes when you have been “child free” for a while such as yourself, thinking about giving up your freedom and thinking about having all the responsibility can be a bit overwhelming. This is a natural thought sister. I encourage you to talk with other moms about how they feel, and if they went through any similar emotions before they had their children. It is most definitely a big adjustment but it is more so a blessing.

 

Supportive Dads

You discussed the possibility of getting divorced because your husband is not supportive concerning the issue of children. Sister it seems as though you both have a lot in common, you get along and possibly have the same goals. That makes for very good marriage. If this is the only thing that is bothering you (the child issue), I would definitely encourage you to discuss it with him. Does your husband even want children now? Is he pressing you to have a child right now? If he is, or even if he is not -the conversation is still an important one to have to make sure that you both understand the commitment that it will take to raise a child. Caring for children is just not on the mom, it’s on the dad too. Fathers need to be a part of their child’s life and take responsibility as well.

 

Feeling Complete

Possibly the bigger picture is that you may feel as though you do not love your husband. You stated earlier in your question that you and he had lived like roommates for so long, and that you were so much alike that it was boring and monotonous. Perhaps this is where the problem lies. Are you in love with your husband or do you just love him because he’s a good person? I understand you may be craving a very exciting and different type of man, someone who may be less like you. This is natural to want to have excitement and something different in our lives. However, in long-term, if we are not able to agree on things or we are too different it may not work out either. You stated that your husband talks about taking a second wife to complete himself. I would ask him where he feels that he is incomplete and focus on how to resolve that. It could be he is feeling the same lack of excitement and difference that you are feeling. If that is the case insha’Allah, both of you just need to work harder spicing up your relationship and trying new different exciting and fun things. However, sister, if he does take a second wife that is his Islamic option. It is also your option to stay in the marriage or not. But I would kindly suggest really looking at the situation and decide if it is something that you want to risk losing. He sounds like a really great guy, and you both sound like you do have a good marriage despite the fact that it lacking what may be termed as excitement.

Marriage is Valuable, Marriage is Work

 

Please do talk with your husband about these two main issues of having a child and taking a second wife. Discuss what that might look like and how each of you would adjust. Insha’Allah, propose that you each write a list of new things you would like to try together. As you both have been married to each other for seven years, you grew together and there is a familiarity which is good and comforting.

 

Marriage is a valuable relationship sister and it is worth putting the effort into it especially when you both get along and have things in common.  Perhaps, sister, you should go for marriage counseling with your husband and try to resolve these issues.  I think you both have a lot of positive things going for you and your marriage, and insha’Allah you will give it 100% efforts. You are in our prayers we wish you the best.

I met a woman and want to propose to her, but her father refuses this marriage with me. I went to knock on the door for her. I requested her father to come to me. I said salaam to her father. But her father rejected my request of marriage. I am so sad that fathers have been continuously rejecting me. Why? I pray tahajjud but my duas are not answered.



As salamu alaykum brother,

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am so sorry to hear that you were rejected in your request for marrying the woman of your choice. I can imagine that it was very hurtful.

 

Fruitless Attempts & Allah’s Will

As a steadfast Muslim, you did what you needed to do, which was to make duaa to Allah for a change of heart concerning her father. Brother, I don’t know why you were refused or what kind of conversation transpired between you and her father. Perhaps her father has a rigid criterion for a potential husband for his daughter. This happens often sadly. You have made a few attempts and approaches to her father, with no success.  You have made duaa to Allah with still no positive results regarding the marriage.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

 

I will kindly suggest brother that insha’Allah you make istakharrah prayer regarding this proposed marriage.  If still, you see no signs from Allah to continue, I kindly suggest that you forget about trying to marry this woman. While you may have strong feelings about wanting to marry her, it seems that door to a future with her has been shut many times. Perhaps it is best and perhaps it is Allah swt who is protecting you from a current or future harm should you marry her. We never know. We can be sure however that if a door keeps closing and we can’t open it, then it usually is not meant for us. Possibly the situation would be different if you knew the girl and both of you had common interests and got to know each other in a halal way. Perhaps if Allah answered your duaa by some sign or response from her side.  In that case I would advise you both to marry insha’Allah regardless of her father’s refusal because a parent cannot refuse for their child to get married. Marriage is a decision of the individual who is getting married. While it’s nice to have parents blessings and permission, is not necessary as long as the intended spouse has met the Islamic criteria.

 

Moving On

I kindly urge you brother to move on insha’Allah. Please do not take the rejection personally. Insha’Allah you will meet a nice girl who catches your eye, who you would like to marry. When this happens please do consider getting to know her and her family in a Halal way. This way you can get a feel for what the family is like. In the meantime, please do good and enjoyable things for yourself. Engage in social activities with your friends, take up a hobby, go to the Masjid for prayer and other events in the Islamic community. By engaging in life outside of your desires for marriage to this girl, you will decrease your chances of becoming depressed over it.

 

When the right opportunity presents itself, there is nothing that can keep us from it as Allah has ordained all. If there is something that is not for us, no matter how hard we try brother, it will not be attainable.  Please trust in Allah that He has something better for you in your future. You are in our prayers we wish you the best.

Assalamu Alaikum. I have been married for 16 years and have 4 children. These years have been the time of utmost trial. I have been neglected financially and emotionally and in all other ways by my husband. He sees other women, is into porn and drinking and hardly ever performs Salah.

A lot of times he forces me to do haram. I want a divorce but he doesn't want to give it because of social appearances and because he needs me to raise the children. I have no parents or siblings that I can go to. I cannot live here anymore as I am turning mentally and physically sick. I have done istikhara about divorce but have never gotten a clear thought about it. Kindly advise me what to do.



Assalamualaikum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  You stated that you were married for 16 years and have four children however these years according to you, have been comprised of many trials. During your marriage, you indicated that you have been neglected financially, emotionally, and in other ways. Your husband is into porn, drinking, cheats on you with other women and hardly ever perform salat. You also said that he forces you to do haram things.

 

Marriage: Kindness, Mercy, Respect

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Sister, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.  No one deserves to be treated this way. Like his wife, he should treat you with the utmost love, kindness, and respect.  As you can see though, he does not even love or respect himself based on the haram things he does. I imagine you feel very much alone right now sister, but please know you are not.  There are a lot of sisters sadly, going through similar situations.

 

Sister, I’m not sure where you live, however, I would kindly suggest trying to save the marriage first. I am not sure what resources are in your area but I would advise that you seek out marriage counseling insha’Allah. If you can find an Islamic counselor or an imam, that would be best for your situation as he is not even praying and his Islam needs to be addressed as well.  I am advising this first because as Allah hates divorce, we are to try to save our marriage insha’Allah if possible.

 

Marriage-Divorce and Support Systems

I would kindly suggest that you discuss counseling with him.  If he refuses to see a marriage counselor with you, as well as refuses to change his behaviors, then you have every right to divorce. You deserve to be happy and to live in an Islamic environment. Again, as I don’t know where you live and I am not familiar with the resources, insha’Allah please do seek out services in your area that can help you facilitate a divorce, as well as counseling for yourself to begin healing from the trauma that you have been through for the past 16 years. You may wish to consult your family physician and confide in her what has been going on and what you seek to do.  Perhaps she may have some references or referrals for you. Also if you are close with any of the sisters at the Masjid, you may wish to confide in one of them to seek out the support that you so desperately need. We all do need support in our lives from loving sources.

 

Your husband states that he will not give you a divorce as he wants to keep up social appearances. That is a rather ironic reason being that he is committing a lot of sins and not taking care of you as his wife. Given that fact- what appearances is he trying to keep up?  It is your right as a woman and as a Muslim to seek a divorce if you have grounds, and yes you do have ground, sister.

 

I would highly suggest insha’Allah, that you seek out counseling, legal advice, as well as securing support in the form of a close sister, or other family members. I understand how difficult this must be to do, but insha’Allah once you change your circumstances, heal and begin a new life, you will feel much better . You may wish also engage in a Muslimah Support Group for encouragement and resources.  If there are not any in your community, search online for support groups for Muslim women who are going through a divorce. There are a lot of good reputable sites, and then there are some that are not. If you decide this would be helpful, please do ensure that it is halal, as well as moderated by a practicing Muslim.

 

Allah Loves you

Dear sister I can understand the pain you must be going through. This is a very difficult situation. You must feel very much alone. Please know that Allah does love you sister and does want you to be happy. Allah does not want you to be mistreated by your husband nor does he wants you to be exposed to haram behaviors or forced to do haram. Allah swt wants to see you happy, safe and insha’Allah married to one who practices Islam and treats you with loving kindness and respect.

 

Conclusion

Please do ask your husband if he would like to try to save the marriage by going to marriage counseling.  If he refuses, insha’Allah please start planning for a divorce. Make duaa to  Allah that He make this easy for you.  You don’t have to tell your husband right away because that might trigger him and he may become angry.  I would just start initiating a plan quietly (with a counselor or lawyer) for the sake of you and your children. Please do let us know how you’re doing you’re in our prayers.