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Ask About Parenting – Live Session

Aisha Mohammad
08 August, 2016

Salam ‘Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters,

 

Thanks to all who joined our Counseling Session with our Counselor Aisha Mohamed Swan on Wednesday, August  10th, 2016. You can read the complete questions and answers below.

 

Stay tuned for our coming live sessions.

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You can always send your question related to clinical disorders, cultural, individual, family and relationship issues to

[email protected]

 

 

 

Wednesday, Aug. 10, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu alaykum, I have been sexually abused while I was a child around 7 many times by our house guard. My parents know about the situation but rather than take in him to justice, they fired him from our house and gave him another job. For that, I really hate my parents for doing that. The worst thing happened to me when I was around 20 I was raped again. I didn't forgive the peoples who raped me and will not forgive them. Now, I am 26 years old didn't get marry but eagerly wants to get marry, but my problem is I don't trust anybody and still I feel the pain. Sometimes, I think of killing myself because the pain I feel is hard to survive. I always say to myself Allah doesn't love me so why did bring me to this world? I always cry before going to bed and make dua`a' that to forget what happened to me and live a happy life, but my prayers didn't get replay yet. So please tell me what to do?



As salamu alaykum,

I am so sorry to hear if the abuse you had to endure as a child, as well as the rape you experienced at 20 years old. Your parents should have taken different measures with the abuser, but sadly they didn’t and we cannot change the past. We can only move forward with the future. While you did not mention the outcome of those who raped you when you were 20, insha’Allah they were held accountable and were punished. I believe in my heart that Allah SWT has a special place in hell for people who rape, and those who abuse children. Allah knows best alhumdulillah.

At this point in your life, you desire marriage, yet you cannot trust, and with good reason. Often times, children who are abused sexually and/or physically and women (and men) who have been raped can develop PTSD and other mental illness due to the trauma they sadly went through. I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that you get counseling for the past abuse so you can move on with your life. A good therapist can help you through the healing process as well as possibly link you with support groups for survivors of child abuse/rape. These groups can provide insight into successful recovery stories from others as well as teach you coping skills which also aid in healing.

Allah loves you. Always know that. In this life, we often go through horrid terrible things, but Allah does love us. What happened to you is not a punishment from Allah, but a sad reflection of the state of

some evil humans. Please do not let these experiences pull you away from Allah or yourself. You are a wonderful person whom I am confident will overcome the horrors you have been through. You just have to take the first step by getting help from a therapist. Once you begin therapy, you will begin to heal insha’Allah, and you can begin to plan your life and goals with a more freer, happier state of mind.

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I kindly ask you to find someone you are close to and make a contract that you will not harm yourself. Suicide is not the answer. As you know not only is it a sin, but by ending your life, you are doubting Allah’s blessings of a better life ahead as well as letting your tormentors win. You are stronger than that. I know the pain is unbearable, but during these times, remind yourself that the pain will not last, seek refuge in Allah SWT. Recite Qur’an and do dhzikr. These acts of worship are healing in themselves. Do charity work, help others who are in pain, such as Syrian refugee’s, homeless people and others who are less fortunate than us. Helping others always uplifts our spirits and acts as a healing mechanism as well. Please do insha’Allah get counseling as soon as possible so you can leave this nightmare and begin your journey into a renewed and happier life. You can do it, I believe in you, you need to believe in yourself as well.

You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.

Assalam-o-Alaikum. In what age we should send our children to school? And when we should start to teach them reading Holy Quran?



As-salamu alaykum,

While I am not an Islamic scholar, I do advice parents to read the Qur’an to their children from the day they are born. The spiritual food and nourishment which even an infant can receive from the Qur’an is amazing. If a child hears the Qur’an being recited from birth, hey will develop a natural familiarity and love for our most Holy book. As a child learns to speak and then read, include the Qur’an as a learning modality. The child having heard the Qur’an being read to them from birth, will feel an affinity for the Qur’an thus making the actual learning and reading of the Qur’an much easier. It will feel natural. As far as a specific age, each child differs in their growth and learning abilities. I would kindly suggest you start with age appropriate teaching when the child is able to put words together in sentences. Scholars may have different views so you may want to consult with a scholar however I feel if a child can put sentences together, what better way to increase their skills than by introducing the Qur’an as a reading book. While the child may not be developmentally able to grasp the full meaning, in time the Qur’an will become something that is easily read and understood by the child as she or he matures.

As far as when a child should start school, countries and states have different laws/rules pertaining to when a child is mandated to go to school. If this is not the case in your country, then the option is really up to you. Usually formal schooling starts around the age of 5 or 6 years of age.

Preschools are another option some parents chose if the child is young (around 2.5-4years old). In preschools children usually thrive and learn skill sets that prepare them for further study. If you are thinking of preschool, it will depend on when you feel your child is emotionally ready to be away from home, their level of maturity (level of independence) , their ability to use the potty, and their social skills. Children who attend preschools usually do not go for a full day but start out with a few hours a day for social development, creativity and fun activities.

If you decide preschool is not for your child, you can always supplement their learning by providing creative and social activities at home, preferably with other children to increase social skills as well.

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We wish you the best, may Allah bless your endevours.

As-salamu `Alaikum, with the blessings of Allah SWT, I am blessed with two boys. The elder one is 4 year-old and the little one is 2 1/2 year-old. My elder one is delayed in speech for which we have seen speech therapist. He knows all alphabets with words too. But the thing is he is engaged in himself more. He doesn't want to interact more with others, neither he plays so much with the little one. During night time, when I say stories also the little one will take interest but he is busy with himself. He knows few animals name and keeps repeating them. He will not understand either I am telling any story. If I will say his familiar words only then he will give attention only. He doesn't repeat my saying. The little one is more talkative Alhumdollilah. I am so concerned about the elder one. Please help me. Jazak Allah



As-salamu alaykum,

Children grow and develop at different rates. It could be that your older son will have a developmental growth spurt later on, or it could be that he has a more introverted personality. While you may think he is not attentive, learning or understanding, he may be absorbing the information, but not outwardly showing it for whatever reason.

You did not mention whether or not this is a new phenomenon or you have had him evaluated by a pediatrician regarding your concerns. If you have not yet done so, I would kindly recommend taking him to his pediatrician for an evaluation. Write down a list of all your concerns and be ready to discuss them with the doctor. While it may be that your older son is just developing at a different rate and will catch up, or is withdrawn and more introverted, it is best to rule out any other factor that may be impeding his growth and development. Please do consult with his pediatrician insha’Allah. You are in our prayers, please let us know how he is doing.

My parents argue a lot, and it upsets me (sometimes even sends me to tears.) My mom always wants to be right and my dad screams at her. I'm the oldest sister in the family. Is there anything I can do? I feel helpless being only 15 years old. I'm so scared that my parents might get divorced.



As salamu alaykum sister,

I am so sorry to hear of your parents arguing and the natural negative impact it is having on you. It must be very stressful and cause much pain for you to have to hear this. While what is going on is between your parents, you may want to consider asking them if you can talk to them (when things are calm), and expressing your feelings regarding their arguing. Often times parents are so caught up in their own issues they forget how their behavior is impacting their children. Possibly just sitting down with them and expressing your grief regarding their arguing may “wake them up” to the devastation they are causing. If you are unable to express your feelings in words, write them a letter, then ask if you can have a family meeting to discuss it. If not, I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that you seek counseling to learn how to deal with this situation which could cause problems with grades in addition to the emotional stress. A counselor may be able to assess the situation with more knowledge of the family dynamics than what is presented here, and may be able to offer more viable and relevant coping skills and support. Additionally, a counselor may be successful in getting your parents to engage in family therapy which may begin to address the marriage problem. A good place to start insha’Allah is to see if your Masjid offers counseling services to teens, if not check with your school or your family physician.

I would kindly ask that you try to not let it affect you too much-as hard as that is. If possible, when they argue, remove yourself from the area by either going for a walk (if the time is right) or engaging in a positive activity to get your mind off of their issues. Make duaa and/or do dhzkir during these times, read Qur’an-seek refuge in Allah.

You are not alone dear sister, many children must sadly endure years of listening to their parents argue, fearing silently that they will divorce. While some parents do divorce, most stay together in an unhealthy relationship in which yelling and screaming has become the normal way to communicate. Most of the time the parents still love each other, they just forgot how to communicate in a civil and loving way. Make duaa for them asking Allah SWT to open their hearts to their actions and to guide them towards an Islamic and loving way of communicating and living with one another. You are in our prayers sister, please let us know how you and your family are doing.

Salaam I would like to know if it permitted to send your daughter to a boarding school?



As salamu alaykum.

While I am not an Islamic scholar and I do not know the age of your daughter or the reasons why you would want to send her to a boarding school, I can only suggest that you consider the pro’s and cons. I would look at her age, stage of development, the issues of her being alone somewhere to learn versus being in the family unit, her Islamic education while she is in boarding school as well as how it would affect her emotionally being away from her family. I would also consider the school itself to ensure it would provide a nurturing environment, a solid education as well as an Islamic atmosphere. I would make a list of the good points as well as the negative and depending on her age, I would discuss it with her to see how she feels about it. A child who is adamant about not going, or fears leaving her family may not do as well in a boarding school. Again, your question depends on her age, maturity, as well as family dynamics. In addition I would also suggest making istakharra regarding this decision as Allah knows best and is the best of planners. We wish you and your family the best, you are in our prayers.

As-salamu `alaikum, my near future husband and I are getting married next month. I know that he wants children and I would LOVE to have his children but due to health issues I cannot. This makes me sad but he still wants to be with me. We truly love each other. I cannot even carry a child or have even eggs to donate toward this. Even if he was to have a child from someone else I would still raise it with love as my own. Money is a big obstacle. We are just starting out and will not be able to afford all the costs of surrogate or adoptions. Again this makes me sad. How can two people that would provide a loving home under God’s guidance have this kind of an obstacle to overcome? Could help us? Thank you,



As-salamu alaykum sister,

Without knowing your specific health issues relating to having a child, it is hard to say what medical options there are. However as you stated you could not carry a child or donate the egg, it appears you have looked into these possibilities know there are no options as this is concerned. I’m not sure how extensively you researched your child bearing status, but if you have not gotten a second opinion I would suggest doing so. It appears you are open to his taking a second wife to have a child however you must also understand that she would also be his wife (as you are) and that would be their child, though I am sure given the right situation and understanding you could be a part of that child’s life in a positive way.

It appears your future husband at this time feels he would like to marry you despite your inability to have children. Many couples consciously decide not to have children (though in Islam not so often) for various reasons. I would kindly suggest dear sister that insha’Allah you start your marriage with happiness, hope and with the intent of having a wonderful marriage wherein this issue of your not being able to have a child is not over-shadowing you and your husband’s bonding and building with each other. As he knows you cannot conceive a child, I would focus on the two of you for now. Possibly in the future as you grow together as well as become more financially stable, you both can discuss a child via a second wife (with you understanding it would be their child) or via caring and raising a child who does not have parents. There are many children in this world who do not have parents due to various reasons, and insha’Allah perhaps Allah SWT will gift you both with the blessing of parenting a child who is alone in the world. But for now dear sister, I would kindly suggest that you and your husband go into this marriage with the intention of building with each other first.

You are in our prayers, please do let us know how you are.