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Ask About Parenting (Counseling Session)

Naaila Moumaris-Clay
25 October, 2017

As-Salamu Alikom dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Naaila for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Thursday, Oct. 26, 2017 | 18:00 - 20:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu alaikum. I've had a few problems with my mother for a long time now. It may be started a long time ago when she found out I was talking to a boy (neighbour), but since then, I haven't done any suchthing. It happened nearly 2-3 yrs ago. Even today, when she gets angry, she says things like she wishes for me to die or that she doesn't like me. This happens every once in a while. It hurts me a lot but I've kind of got used to it. She still doubts me over things like I'm talking to boys and doesn't trust me over things. I think I'm not treated equally as compared to my elder brother and this makes me depressed. I've grown a bit distant from her over time and am very afraid of her. What should I do? Please suggest.



As-Salaam Alaykum

I commend you for recognizing your feelings of depression. These symptoms can be hard to overcome, but you can.

 

A mother-daughter relationship is a very sensitive one and has to be handled with care. I’m sure it is painful to have these interactions with your mother. I want to bring something to your attention. Your mother, for whatever reason, maybe suffering from her own pain. It is not typical behavior to make the comments you have stated your mother makes towards you. I’m very sorry this is your experience and how you feel. However, these comments sound like a person having a great deal of pain themselves.

 

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Have you heard the statement, “Hurt people hurt people”? It is true. When someone hurts they will easily, and often unintentionally, hurt others. Pain causes a person to lose focus of what is truly important. Now, I’m not making excuses for your mother nor does this mean she’s not accountable or able to change. The goal is to give you insight into what may have caused her to feel and to do the things she does. Then, inshaAllah, you can make dua for her and to respond with her with mercy.

 

While we will not be able to change the behavior of others, you can do a few things for yourself during this time.

 

1. Despite any negative comments you hear, remind yourself this is not a reflection of who you are. The words of others do not define who you are as a young Muslimah.

 

2. Read Quran and find comfort in the words of Allah. Also, dhikr to keep your mind clear and focused on good thoughts.

 

3. Exercise to relieve the stress of these sensitive moments. Do the things you enjoy doing even when you don’t feel like it! it will be important for you to find joy in life so the dark feelings will not consume you. InshaAllah.

 

4. Honor your feelings. You stated you have become numb. This suggests to me you have become used to this treatment. When you feel pain or sadness, admit it to yourself! If you want to cry, cry! Tears are a wonderful way to cleanse your heart. Allah loves the sincere tears of those who cry out to Him.

 

5. Keep a journal so you can have a place to put your thoughts and emotions. Keeping them bottled up inside will not be good for you.

 

6. Create gratitude lists. Write down 10 things you can be grateful for to remind yourself of your blessings despite the dismal interactions you have may.

 

7. Unplug yourself from noise around you such as the news, the phone, or social medial. Create stillness around you and enjoy it. Be present in that moment and only focus on you!

 

8. The distance you have created with your mother is natural. Not good, but natural. It is normal for you to seek a way to protect yourself from being hurt. I understand this. Now, I recommend you also seek a way to help yourself to heal by using some of the tips in number 1-7

I have been sitting my iddat from Sep and i just wanted to know if I’m doing the right thing. My ex-husband doesn't give me money for our son and had a job and just left it for no reason. My son wants to go sleep over weekends but i feel why should my x-husband able to have him weekends if he doesn’t even help me. My son is 6 years old and wants to see his father.



As Salaam Alaykum,
It is always hard to hear when children get tangled in the actions and choices of married people. It does happen.
Emotionally, I’m sure your feelings have told you this decision makes sense. For what reason should he be able to enjoy this cute little boy without helping with his care on a daily basis as you do? It doesn’t feel fair to you at all.
And then, we look at the reality of it all. Your son has a father and your son wants to see his father. However, your son’s father may not have been the spouse you wanted him to be for you. Honestly, your son’s father may even have his own concerns about the marriage. I don’t know and will not seek to comment on that.
However, I do know this little boy has two parents that love him very much and he has a right to be loved by each of you. This little boy has a right to have the best of both parents regardless of what happens with your marriage. Your son is not a part of the marriage. You and your husband are. Your son is a result of the marriage. He deserves to see his father and to have time with his mother also.
As a mother, you will not get to choose how your son’s father chooses to parent. You will get to cooperate with one another regarding his care and scheduling of visits. However, if not allowing him to visit his father on the weekend means he will not see him at all, this can do further damage to their relationship.
Next, I would advise any parent to be sure their issues, anger, and frustration with one another does not come out through their parenting. It is never a good idea for a child to be used as a source of pain, bargaining or a weapon between two adults. I do not believe this is your goal or intent at all. However, when we make decisions based on how we feel and not the needs of the family, our decisions become clouded.
Feelings are real and valid, but they are not always the best decision makers! Use your wits and please ensure your son and his father are able to continue their relationship even on the weekends. This is a start for a new change for your family.
Iddat seems like an ending, but it is the beginning of many new changes for your family unit. Their time together may increase at a later date, but the father-son interactions have to begin somewhere. For now, let the weekends begin so your son will know that whatever decisions his parents make do not have any reflection on how much he is loved and adored as the son to each of you.
May Allah grant you good. Ameen.

As-salamu Alaikum, I live in a joint family. I have 2 kids. I love them a lot but due to house chore pressure and also my husband's critical comments and also in-laws, I usually feels too overwhelmed and under pressured in getting things done and not reaching my day to day chores to end which makes me restless and yell a lot at my children to get their things done along with like homework, eating, going to park etc everything, without that they don't seem to listen to me, what should I do? I feel too low in the end. My husband also never supports me emotionally or physically and sometimes financially also and puts blames for every wrong thing that goes with the kids or around. This situation puts me at no end but for the sake of my children I'm bearing all the harsh comments from my husband and in-laws, but I don't know what will be the outcome because the thìngs around making me very harsh and patientless in dealing with things and people around.



As-Salaam Alaykum,

 

This sounds very draining, tiring and I can see how you may feel quite sad at this time. It feels good to know you recognize you are not being the best person or parent you can be for your children. You and your children deserve the best you. I realize how hard it can be to function at your best under these circumstances. Managing the daily tasks of a home can be so damaging! I know this personally. I recommend being realistic with yourself about what it is you can do on a daily basis. Inform your husband and your in-laws of your daily plan and what it is you seek to complete for the day.

 

Perhaps they can offer some input into modifications. It is my hope they will not add to it. InshaAllah, but this action allows for you to be fully transparent with them by informing your family members of your plan for the day. InshaAllah, it will remove or reduce any assumptions you are failing to complete tasks. Getting children to complete homework is a hard task for many parents. You are not alone. Please, do not blame yourself for struggling in this area. A few tips you can do is as follows:

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1. Allow the children a time-limited break when they come home from school such as 30 minutes to get a snack, go to the restroom and to wind down

2. After the break, set the children in the same area each day to complete homework. You may want to keep them within your eyesight.

3. Ensure the children have everything they need to complete their assignments such as paper, pencils or calculator. This helps to limit their excuses for getting up.

4. Make yourself available for help for the children if they have questions. Honestly, for the first few times, you may need to sit down with them periodically so the children will know you are serious!

5. Tell them what their consequence will be for completing their homework such as extra television time or a snack before bed time. Also, let them know what privilege they will lose if they do not comply with you. And follow through! If you continue to yell or to threaten them without giving a consequence, the children will not take you seriously. They need to know you intend to set limits for them and will do it. If not, do know children do not care about parents yelling or fussing as long as they get to do what they want!

Lastly, my dear sister, you need a break! I know it will be hard to get one, but 15 minutes of dhikr, a long bath or sipping a cup of hot tea can make all of the difference in the world! It does not have to be a full day or a week away from everything. Taking 10-15 minutes mental breaks can make the biggest difference in your life and with your children. The better you feel about yourself, the better you the children are able to get from you.

 

I’m sure it is hard for you. I would advise you to remember the children are not the issue here. Your main issues come from the adults around you. It would be great if you could resolve those issues and concerns with them. InshaAllah. However, I also know and believe human beings have the capacity to heal themselves. You may be the best source of solution for your mental and emotional needs at this time. I say this because you cannot control what others choose to do, including your husband and in-laws, but you can choose to make changes for you. InshaAllah you will.

how can I guide my 12-year-old daughter about periods?



As-Salaam Alaykum,

 

This is surely a sensitive area of discussion for any developing young lady. To begin, as her parent, inform her of the requirement to protect and to give rights to her body. Allah has made a beautiful creation when He made mankind.

 

Our bodies have rights over us and we need to know to give them those rights when our bodies tell us of a need.
I suggest informing her that her body is going through the physical and hormonal stages of puberty. She may not be happy to hear this, but tell her these changes will occur for a few years! A period is one of many stages of puberty.

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You may want to inform her she may experience pain or cramping while on her period. She can find ease with pain medication, getting rest, eating well and drinking lots of fluids to retain her nutrients as her body cleanses itself. Many young girls are not prepared for the changes within their skin during the time of their period. The changes may not happen with your daughter, but let her know if she experiences skin dryness or breakouts, she remains beautiful and the changes will go away within a few days! InshaAllah.
It would be helpful for her to know what the menstrual cycle requires of her regarding her personal hygiene. She will need to know how to ensure her body is kept clean during her monthly cycle. She will need instruction to use personal hygiene products and you will want to ensure she has a healthy product to use.
Next, guide your daughter to the requirements within Islam. For example, she will not be able to pray during the time she has her period, to read the Quran in Arabic or to fast while on her period. Let her know these pauses in these acts of worship are mercies from Allah for those on her period. This is not a bad thing at all! Many have this false belief!
In addition, let her be aware of what these physical changes mean for her as a developing young woman. She has a greater accountability to herself and to her growing body! Let your lovely daughter know she will need to safeguard her body as it continues to develop into finer womanhood of a Muslimah. Also, she may have other changes to occur within her body such as the growth of pubic hair and underarm hair.  Now, with having a monthly period, it will be even more necessary for her to shave her private areas, according to the Sunnah of Islam, to ensure cleanliness. InshaAllah.
For many parents, especially fathers, these discussions can be very difficult to have with a daughter. This is totally understandable! Watching your little girl grow up before your eyes can be hard and a gift at the same time. I’m sure she is adorable! MashaAllah. Please be patient with her as she learns this new level of personal responsibility. It will take time for her to learn. I commend you for being concerned about how to handle such a delicate situation. May Allah grant ease. Ameen.

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