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Ask About Parenting (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
09 August, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

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Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

[email protected]

Friday, Aug. 11, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My 5-year-old will not go into a room alone by herself. She won't go to the bathroom alone or even play in the next room alone. She freaks out if you leave the room. It's so bad she will follow me in the bathroom. Has to sleep in my room. Will scream n cry she is scared if I ask her to go do something in the other room. She will make her younger sister go with her. Recently she has taken up bed wetting because she is so scared to leave the room and go alone to the bathroom, even if I leave lights on. What's going on? What could be the problem?



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session. I’m sorry to hear your daughter is living in fear.  Being scared of the dark or if new situations and places is common at this age however she is afraid of almost every situation wherein she may be alone.

 

Sister, have you talked to her to try to find out what exactly it is that she is afraid of? When did this start?  Was it a sudden fear she developed or has it been a gradual onset? Has anyone new been in the home?  Is there a chance she was threatened, hurt or otherwise abused by someone that you do not know if?  These are hard questions to ask sister, as a mom, I know. However, as parents things can happen even when we are most vigilant.

 

I am not suggesting that this is the reason or even stating anything happened because we do not know. All I’m asking sister is to please check it out.  By evaluating the above questions you may find out why she is scared and what she is afraid of.

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While children at this age have very active imaginations it could be that she saw a movie that scared her or her a story that frighten her. Please do ask her about any movies or stories she has seen or heard.  You may wish to engage her in art or coloring projects. Encourage her to give her fear a name such as Mr. Spider etc.    Ask her to color a picture of (name the fear).

 

If she is willing, ask her to tell you 3 things that will happen to her if she is alone and then ask her to draw a picture of each one.  You may wish to then sit with her and color a picture illustrating safeness….that is-things that negate her fears such as a nightlight, your presence in the home, a favorite toy, etc.  By countering her fears with security measures that she can see (a coloring project she can see and keep) this may Insha’Allah be useful as a reminder when she feels fear or is afraid to be alone.

 

Encourage her to do things alone.  Use a timer and ask her to play alone for 3 minutes. When she is done, reinforce this behavior by verbally praising her and giving her a small reward.  Insha’Allah build up the alone time in slow increments until she is comfortable being alone.  Insha’Allah sister this will pass with assurance and patience.  If it does not, or you find a reason to believe she was harmed when you were not around, Please do consult a child therapist in your area for professional help and counseling for her.

 

You both are in our prayers, please let us know how she is doing.

 

My son is 4 years old. He doesn’t go to a nursery. He wants whatever someone else has, no matter what it is, and refuses to share anything with anyone. He cries and screams for anything he wants and never share toys with other kids. He is my only baby. His father and me have tried to break him from this, but nothing seems to work. How to deal with this selfish boy?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokan for writing to our live session.   I’m sorry to hear what you are going through with your son.  As an only child, it sounds like he has not been socialized enough at this point to learn skills like sharing, asking for things in an appropriate manner as well as his inappropriate reactions such as crying and screaming when he can’t get what he wants. This is evident by his behavior with other children.  While some if this is typical for his developmental age, part of it lies upon you and your husband!

 

As he is an only child, I am sure he is well loved and possibly catered to.  This is most common with first children and only children.  As parents, we want to ensure our child is happy and well adjusted. However, often times in trying to secure this in our child we over look the obvious-we have spoiled our child and we are letting the child run us!

 

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I would kindly suggest dear sister that you and your husband sit down and talk.  Agree among yourselves how your parenting will now change insha’Allah to be more conducive for not only his developmental age but for his future development as well.  I would kindly suggest that you do enroll him in nursery school, at least part time.  As he has no siblings this experience could be beneficial insha’Allah and provide him with structure, social skills as well as the opportunity to make new friends.  It may be difficult for a while as he may be resistant, however, after time he should adjust.

 

At home, please do set up tighter boundaries for his behaviors and try to have his time structured with activities.  Meal time, playtime,  family time as well as bedtime should occur around the same time everryday insha’Allah. By providing a structured day you are teaching him what is expected from him and when.  You are also instilling g a sense of responsibility and feelings of security.  When a child knows what is expected of him/her and around what time, they tend to function better at handling any stressors  that come with day to day living .

 

As far as his crying and screaming when he can’t get his own way, explain to him this is not accepted and remove him from the situation until he can act appropriately. Do not give in to him as this only reinforces  his negative behaviors.  If he has hurt someone or grabbed a toy, tell him to apologise. You may have to monitor his interaction with other children and intervene with modeling behaviors to show him the proper way to share, ask for things as well as how to treat others.

 

Sister, it may take a while to change these behaviors but with consistency,  patience and you and your husband taking control (rather than him taking control) it can be done.  Many parents who have successfully gone through this with their young children and utilized patience, persistence as well as a more structured environment with teachable moments.

 

We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

 

My daughter is 4.5 years old. I stopped taking her to swimming lessons, even though she had been going for a whole year and loved the lessons; all of a sudden she refused to do them. She was cry and scream, sometimes I couldn't even get her into the pool, she absolutely refused and in the end, I stopped taking her. Now, the same thing has happened with gymnastics lessons, she has been going for over a year and has always loved it, was a little shy at first, but during the year got more and more confident and always looked forward to the lessons. The last 2 lessons she refused to do anything at all. She just keeps saying "I don't want to do it, I don't like it", I tried asking why and if something happened but I can't get an answer apart from that she doesn't want to do it anymore. I'm not sure, perhaps something small happened like the teacher saying something or she made a small mistake and got a reaction from another child and it was enough to shatter her confidence? I don't know the reason, but I really don't want to stop the lessons, she has always enjoyed them, I worry if I stop then she will know that every time she refuses to do something I will give in and she doesn't have to do it anymore. But then again, I don't want to force her if she doesn't want to do it. My question is: What should I do if my child shows no interest in sports? Do I risk turning her off of sports and activity if I “force her” to do them?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokan for writing in to our live session.  For to five years old is a challenging age indeed!  It is great that you have engaged your daughter in so many positive activities.  This will help with self-confidence, social skills as well as cultivate new interests in the future.

 

As you stated she suddenly did not want to swim anymore and would scream and cry whenever you attempted to take her, it is possible that she got scared during a lesson or that something happened. This fear may have transferred to gymnastics. I would encourage you sister to try to find out what may have happened at swimming classes. Perhaps talk to the teacher to see if she became afraid doing a certain lesson if she was teased or dunked under water by one of her classmates. While there may be no reason other than an active imagination (common at this age) it is best to try to find out if indeed something did happen.

 

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You may also Insha’Allah sit with your daughter and engage in a coloring activity.  You may want to ask her to color a picture of her and the family, of her swimming,  doing gymnastics as well as other things.  If she is willing, her pictures may show you what has happened (if anything) or may give you insight as to why she no longer wants to participate in these activities. Often times children can better express what they are feeling in art mode instead of talking.

 

It may be that she went through a frightening experience while learning a new swimming technique and the teacher may have insisted she continue to try as part of the learning experience. Or it could be that your daughter just truly isn’t interested in these activities anymore and is expressing this through defiant behaviors.

 

Once you have ruled out any possible trauma, Please do Insha’Allah ask her what activity she is interested in.  Ask her to name a few things she likes doing. If she is able to name interests, please do get her involved in the ones she enjoys.  At this age shyness and critical self awareness may be a hindrance to trying new things. Try to encourage her by pointing out all her accomplishments as well as assuring her you will be staying for the entire lesson should she need you.

 

I would not recommend forcing her sister especially as she has such a strong negative reaction. I would suggest finding out why this has occurred  insha’Allah.  If you try to force her, you may be met with more resistance and increased fear. Try to work with her on choices, stating that you want her to learn new things and take classes for enjoyment and attainment if new skills, but give her a choice.

 

I went through this when my daughter was 5.5.  I enrolled her in a youth class at the gym I went to and she did not want to go. I made her, explaining she would like it once she got familiar with the teacher and routine. Well, when we went she refused to participate and just sat on the bench. I waited for awhile while class began hoping she would join in. She didn’t.

 

The teacher encouraged me to go exercise that she would be fine and that she could watch. I explained to my daughter I would be in the next room and to watch the class today. When I returned tears were rolling down her face and she was in terms same spot. Years later I asked her why, she said: “mom, I was scared to death, I didn’t know anyone there gheesh”.   My lesson learned.  Thinking back I found it strange as a few months later she joined 3 classes and activities

 

My lesson learned.  Thinking back I found it strange as a few months later she joined 3 classes and activities successfully.   However at that moment, in that time she could not get over her fear of the unknown.

 

Perhaps this is what is happening with your daughter as well I don’t know.  Insha’Allah, sister, it will be a passing phase as with my daughter.  In the meantime, find out if there was a trauma, encourage her to pick a few activities she is interested in and continue to praise her abilities and choices.  Insha’Allah  if there were not any trauma or scares she went through, she will soon get over this phase and return to the active happy little girl she was.

 

You are in our prayers, please let us know how she is doing.

 

My son is 18 months and my daughter is 3 and they still have a bath together, they both enjoy playing together so for the time being they share a bath they're having too much fun with bubbles and toys, is it ok? And at what age should they stop bathing together?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokan for writing in to our live session. I remember my children at those ages playing in the tub with bubbles and toys and these are indeed good memories!  These are times when siblings bond and have much fun.  At this age, there is no harm in them playing together in the tub. While your 3 years old may notice her sibling looks different,  it may not be an issue unless she wants to touch his private parts or becomes overly inquisitive to the point wherein it is a distraction at bath time. As long as they are having fun and are not preoccupied with private parts there is no harm.

 

While I am not an Islamic scholar I can only advise you based on my own experiences as a mom as well as other parent’s experiences.  As children develop at different rates within developmental stages, you may soon find that your daughter  will become curious about her little brother’s private parts as well as her own.  This is normal sister and if you do not make a big deal out of it and just tell her that Allah made boys and girls different it should suffice.

 

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Don’t make her feel bad or guilty for being curious, but when she does begin to get curious you may want to ask her if she would like privacy when she baths as she is becoming a “big girl”.   If she doesn’t want separate baths, you can start the separation process anyhow in increments.

 

I would kindly suggest separating them slowly at first, maybe give your son a bath, then her, then the next day bathe them together and keep switching up until they are bathing separately most of the time.  I suggest this method only because their bathing is a fun time and is innocent to them. Suddenly separating them may cause some confusion and resistance, especially from your daughter as they are used to their fun bath times together.

 

Additionally, her little brother may also miss their playtime and wonder where his sister is. Therefore by slowing changing from bathing together to bathing separately, you will decrease the feelings of their missing each other by getting them used to bathe alone first without totally taking away  their together fun time until they have transitioned separately.

 

Sister,  I do not feel you have to worry about this right now however when natural curiosity and direct physical play involving private parts occurs (if it does) then it will be time to start separating bath time. For now, enjoy their bath time with them as these are cherishing moments!

I'm in desperate need for advice, I have committed sin. I use to be a good person, pray, read qur'an, be fully covered but I felt I was trying so much to be someone am not, just wanted to make my parents proud. Then a lot of bad things happened to me and was too much to handle with no support from my family. Now I'm pregnant before marriage. My family is aware of the fact that abortion is not allowed unless the mother's danger but in my situation is really hard. The father of my baby will not be there for me. His family does not want to do anything with this baby. And my parents are struggling financially so keeps this baby it'll be a struggle to them. I can see how much this is tearing my parents apart inside. They spoke to a local imam and he told them the ruling on abortion. But I want to keep the child, only hoping that my baby's father will return to me. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of leaving my parents only to have this baby.



As salamu  alaykum, Shokran for writing to our live session.

 

May Allah bless you for trying to please your parents by covering, praying and reading Qur’an sister. However, as you can see our acts of love, worship and devotion for Allah must truly come from our hearts and not just to please someone else. In most cases when we seek to please Allah by acts of worship, our hearts are soften and we do indeed become close to Allah through these acts and we seek to please our creator as well as fear His wrath for our blatant sins.

 

As you were reading Qur’an and praying, I am not sure why your heart was not inclined to stay on the straight path and follow Islamic foundations and principles.  This is something dear sister I encourage you to seek within yourself, as well as seek forgiveness from Allah (swt) for committing Zina. Perhaps as painful as this situation is, it may be a thing that will be good for you if it brings you close to Allah. Insha’Allah sister, you can now see the wisdom in following Islamic principles. Allah wants good for us in our lives and thus has sent instructions for living our lives to produce good results.

 

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As far as the baby is concerned as I do not know how old you are if you are in school or working,  it is clear that you want to keep the baby despite the financial hardships. As Muslims, we know that even despite financial hardships, Allah will make a way.  However, you must truly seek Allah’s forgiveness as well as draw close to Him in a sincere way.

 

You stated you wanted to keep the baby with hopes that the baby’s father will come back. Sister, that is faulty thinking and not one that will likely produce good results.  First of all, he left you and the unborn child.  It is highly unlikely that he will come back and he probably will not help you at all.  Sister, you will not “win” this boy’s love or attention by keeping the baby. I would kindly suggest dear sister that Insha’Allah you forget about this boy for now and focus on your and your unborn child’s needs.  You need to make a decision.

 

I would kindly suggest that you make a list of why you want to keep the baby.  Again, hoping the father will come back is not a reason. Second, make a list of how you plan to support the baby once it is born. Do you have a job? Would your parents help watch the child while you worked?  What about school? Have you finished school?

 

Please do Insha’Allah consider each point carefully. Having a child is a big responsibility and it is a blessing.  However, you need to know what it entails in reality. Again, I do not know how old you are sister so that may play a part in your parents’ desire for an abortion and seek counsel from the imam.

 

While at this point only you can make the final decision I would encourage you to speak with your parents about your wishes and present to them a plan of action of how you will take care of this baby.  The boy and his parents state they want nothing to do with you or the unborn child however this can be dealt with through the courts depending on where you live and he would be court ordered to pay child support.  However, sister, remember this will in no way make him want you or come back to you.

 

In fact, he and his family will probably become even more angry and distant if the court ordered to pay child support but it is his obligation, you did not make this baby by yourself.

 

I understand dear sister the pain and hurt you must be going through. Please do sincerely seek Allah’s forgiveness, try to soften your heart to get close to Allah (swt) as His guidance is critical for our lives.  Make duaa and istakharra  prayer regarding the decision to go forward with the pregnancy or to keep the baby.  Allah knows best.

Please do make your lists of why you would want to keep the baby as well as a plan of how you will support the baby and what resources are in your area. Talk with your parent’s about your choice and how you plan to care for your child. Whatever the outcome of this situation dear sister, please Insha’Allah, look at it as a wake up call from Allah swt.

We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

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