Ads by Muslim Ad Network

aaa

Ask About Parenting (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
21 June, 2017

Salam `Alaikum Dear Brothers and Sisters

Thanks to all who joined our Counseling Session with our Counselor Aisha Mohamed Swan on Friday, June 23rd, 2017. You can read the complete questions and answers below.

Stay tuned for our coming live sessions.

You can always send your question related to clinical disorders, cultural, individual, family, parenting and relationship issues to [email protected]

 

Friday, Jun. 23, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I want to marry a guy, we are both Muslim and practice the same thing but we are from different nationalities. I am also a year older than him. My family met him and are happy with his morals, however, my mother stated that if his parents don’t agree I can’t marry him. He and I get along perfectly and both want to get married. However, his parents are against me because of my nationality, and they are judging me, however, they haven’t met me once. They stated that if he wants to marry me he has to leave the house and they will cut ties with him. We both decided to be patient until Allah changes their hearts towards the idea, however, I need some advice on what to do.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It is a shame when parents don’t support their children in getting married, especially when the reasons for which they are rejecting the marriage are not Islamically, we are no different to one another except in piety.

 

Differences in nationality should not be any means of conflict or discrimination.

 

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

At the same time, there is a concern about them cutting ties with him should he chose to go ahead with the marriage.

As his parents, it is important to respect them as they raised him as a child and there is much evidence in Islam of the grave sin of disrespecting and cutting ties with family. However, we must also realize that there is a clause to this – we should obey our parents except they force you to do something that is not part of Islam.

 

Discrimination between nationalities is not part of Islam, but understandably still makes it difficult to go against them.

 

You have made the right choice to begin by taking this to Allah and asking Him to change their hearts. Afterall, Allah is the only one who can change their hearts and therefore prayer is the best thing you can do for the situation.

 

There are however additional steps you can take in the meantime to perhaps ease the situation. Perhaps you could ask your parents, or him to organize a meeting between the 2 families to discuss the matter. Let them see that you are human just like them. That you and your family are a decent family. If they get to know you and your family personally they will come to realize that you are serious about getting married and most importantly that you are no different to them and that your nationality doesn’t matter at all.

 

Once they get to know you, it will be a lot easier for them to agree to the marriage as it will soften their hearts to the situation and to you. Perhaps it might even be easier for them to relate to your parents as they will be similar in age and will have the same interests at stake in marrying their children. This is why it might be advisable for your parents to be in a meeting with them as well as yourself.

 

Don’t forget that they want the best for their son and they want to be sure he is marrying the right person, so naturally, they will be reluctant for him to marry anyone, regardless of their nationality, so do also understand their difficulties too.

 

Failing organizing a meeting between the families, you might think of introducing a third party who can educate them on the issue of not discriminating based on nationality. This might be an imam who they will be more likely to take heed of due to his Islamic knowledge, or a close family member or friend who they are emoting likely to listen to this might also help to strengthen your case.

 

Maybe you will give it a certain amount of agreed time and then make the choice to either abandon the proposal altogether or go ahead without their blessings. There is only so long you can wait in this situation before you will have to make one choice or another. In sha Allah their hearts will turn and you won’t even have to think about these alternatives, but just to keep it in mind just in case and set a certain time limit on this in order that you don’t fall into the traps of Shaytaan after refraining from marriage waiting for too long.

 

In the meantime, do continue to pray for the situation and for Allah to soften their hearts. Maintain your patience also by acting in accordance with Islam, fast if you need to and ask Allah in the depths of the night to guide you and to guide them.

 

May Allah turn his parent’s hearts and give you sabr. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

I get angry easily, I want to control my temper only for the sake of my own children. Also, I want to find some way to earn at home. I am a widow.



As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Alhamdulilah there are many solutions to controlling anger in Islam. You have taken the best first step by coming forward and asking for help. This indicates that you are serious and willing to do what it takes to overcome the problem, especially as you don’t want to set a bad example for your children.

 

Firstly, seeking refuge from Shaytaan and remembering Allah always can help curb anger. Furthermore, on the advice of the Prophet (SAW), doing wudu can extinguish anger, as can sitting if standing, or lying down if sitting.

 

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

These are very simple techniques that you can use at the moment as you feel an episode of anger coming on.

 

Furthermore, refraining from scenarios that make you angry by avoiding them all together can be a useful means of preventing anger in the first place. Identifying triggers in this way can help you to avoid situations occurring that make you feel angry. For example, if a busy shopping center can bring on bursts of anger, simply changing the time that you go shopping can be a means to avoid anger-inducing situations in the first place.

 

In addition to identifying what makes you angry and minimizing contact with your trigger, practicing various anger management strategies and identifying what works best for you is the next step. Examples were given above on how to coronet anger quickly at the moment as given in the sunnah, but there are also various other techniques that you can try also.

 

Things such as squeezing a stress ball can help, or punching a pillow, essentially finding a safe inanimate object to release your anger onto. Other people find calmer activities like painting or going for a walk are more useful ways to calm their anger. You might find that different techniques work best in different scenarios, or some might work perfectly all the time and others never work. At first, you will need to begin with a bit of trial and error until you work out what works best for you. It can be useful to keep a diary of these techniques for a while noting how you feel before and after using each technique. This will help you to see which one really works best for you.

 

Additionally, I don’t know how long it was since you were bereaved, but if you feel that your anger may be a result of becoming a widow, and has perhaps become a coping mechanism in managing grief then you might also consider seeking bereavement counselling as a means to overcome the potential underlying cause of your ongoing anger.

 

Regarding working from home, with today’s technological advances there are many options available now. If there is any particular skill that Allah has blessed you with then use this to your advantage this might be in the form of selling something that you can make, writing for online publications, or recording courses, to give a few ideas about where to start. There are many support groups online that guide you with these options and more.

 

May Allah bring you ease and guide you in the straight path.

I need help. My 3 year old son is violently attacking his brother every single day. I've tried all the tricks to stop him but with vain. Sometimes I ended up blocking him in his bedroom and separating him from his brother. What should I do? Thank you!



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session with your most critical issue.  While I am not sure of your other child’s age, it is imperative that you do protect the child from being harmed.

 

When you say “violently attacking”  I am not sure if you are speaking about fist fights between a 3-year-old and 5 years old or a 3-year-old punching hitting a 1-year-old. In any event, it must stop.  What you are doing is correct for now.  Please do separate them insha’Allah.  However, insha’Allah you must get to the bottom of the behavior.  Why is he so violent?  Has he seen or witnessed violence?

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

 

Please do examine his home life-if he watches any violent shows on TV, has anyone ever been violent with him at daycare, home, school or relatives/friends.  Violence is also sometimes seen in children who are on the low spectrum of autism or have ADHD (1).  Other medical conditions, either mentally or physically could produce violence in a child thus I kindly suggest that you seek out the advice of your child’s pediatrician.

 

In the meantime, please do protect the child that is being attacked. Talk with your 3-year-old when things are calm and ask him “why do you hurt you brother?”  Please do offer him alternative ways of dealing with anger which are age appropriate.  Do praise and reward him for the times his interactions are positive with his brother.  You may want to give him some crayons and a book and ask him to draw you pictures of the family, of him and his brother.  Often times art will help a child express more than words.  From his drawings, you may see some clues which may generate some idea’s as to why he is doing this.

 

As you probably already know, the internet is filled with parents writing in about their violent toddlers, so please know you are not alone.  Please do insha’Allah contact your pediatrician for further help, examinations, and referrals for your child.  Insha’Allah it is a passing phase that can be managed, however, it is best to get situations such as this professionally evaluated.

 

We wish you the best you are in our prayers.

 

1-https://www.babycenter.com/400_my-3-year-old-is-extremely-violent-i-just-dont-know-what-to_9601979_367.bc

Asalamu ailakum counselor, If a child wants something, but his parents say no, and they try their best to not be spoiled and realize that he can't/will not always get what he wants, what should be said to the child in order not to be sad? How should the parents deal with this type of situation? Thank you.



As- salamu alaykum

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session with your most important question.   While I do not know the age of the child thus I am unsure of the child’s cognitive ability to understand the process of learning “no”.  Children do however learn what “no” means pretty quickly with repetition and consistency.  When they are a little bit older, they also learn how to manipulate situations to get what they want.  As you have written in concerned about hurting the child’s feelings, or not wanting the child to be sad, perhaps this is what may be going on.

 

Children who are told “no” often learn in time that tears, sad faces, pouting will sometimes result in a reversal of the “no”.  Ask any parent and they can recall specific moments wherein they told their child “no” only to be met with big, tear-filled eyes that tugged on their heartstrings turning the “no” into a “yes”.  The child seeing that this work often will use it to get their own way.  Parents must remain strong!

 

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

I kindly suggest that you not focus so much on your child’s sadness when told ”no.”   You may wish to comfort your child briefly to assure them of your love, but do not give in.   Your child as a human being will face some disappointments in life and your sticking to your decisions will help your child learn coping skills that will last a lifetime insha’Allah.  Additionally, your child will develop the trust in you that when you say something, you won’t always change your mind.  This builds up security and boundaries for a child and they feel safer.

 

So insha’Allah, please do make your “no’s” concrete and do not worry about your child being sad.  Chances are, if there are some tears or sad faces, it will quickly dissolve as the child moves to the next toy or activity that has caught his/her attention.

 

We wish you the best!

 

Hello. I hope you're fine dear counselor. I wanted to talk about how bad I feel about most things I do knowingly as a Muslim. The thing is there are multiple instances when I feel guilty and ashamed so much so that I couldn't bring myself to pray and ask for forgiveness though knowing Allah is the most Forgiving. For example; I couldn't fast on Ramadhan this year because my father (even though he is Muslim) forbade me to do so. This has to do with my upcoming exam session that is due 17th of july and we were left a month to revise and study our lessons. In fact, I shouldn't even be typing this right now. At first, I protested against this and said I wanted to fast not only because of all its benefits but also because I thought my duas made in this holy month would have more chances to be accepted. Alhamdullilah, I was born Muslim and my whole family is. But my father refused to say I couldn't manage studying and fasting as I would get horrible headaches through overworking my brain which happens from hunger. But whenever I fast ( wether it's Ramadan or not) I always get headaches because of my metabolism that is fast consuming and my father being a doctor was talking in that sense. I told him that for the others years to come , that it would still be the same and that I was afraid Allah would punish me in some ways or I would feel bad myself because as I'm the only Muslim hijabi in my whole school where mostly everyone is also Muslim, I thought myself as being an example to them and didn't want to be a reason why others would not fast also. Despite all that reasoning my father responded saying there's also father blessing and that disobeying him would be more of a sin than not fasting as he heard that Allah wouldn't accept the fast of a disobeying child. Now that we're near the end of Ramadhan in which I haven't been able to fast at all I feel even worst and guilty. I'm thinking about trying to convince my dad to let me fast the last days at the least but I don't really know how as he fast himself and I can't wake up for suhoor without him knowing. Now I don't know what to do or what to think of myself. My father is a good person he loves me and though I know he only wants my well-being, I still feel like he's taking a risk because he said he'll account for responsible of my non-fasting. But this only happened this year and I fasted last year and all the years before Alhamdullilah. I know this was long but please counsel me.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session with your most important concern.  I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, it must be really difficult for you to want to please Allah, yet be denied this right.  You stated that you feel so guilty and bad as a Muslim that you cannot even pray sometimes even though you know Allah is merciful and forgiving.  You also stated that your feeling this way as your father has forbidden you to fast, and you desire to fast to please Allah and to reap the blessings.  Your father as a doctor informed you that you are unable to fast and was very concerned about your fasting and completion of school work revisions and exams.   Your father is using the typical fasting symptoms which most people experience to deter and forbid you to fast so you can get good grades.

 

I am not an Islamic scholar but I would kindly advise you to get a physical exam from a doctor to determine if there is a medical reason why you cannot fast.  If there is not, which there should not be as you fasted before, do inform your father that with all due respect you will be fasting next year insha’Allah and that your father is denying you your Islamic rights and duties to Allah by prohibiting your fast.  Explain to him that it is haram to put worldly gain (grades) over fasting and that in the future insha’Allah you will resume fasting.

 

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

He will be held accountable to Allah for preventing you from fasting if there is not a medical exemption.  You are responsible to Allah to fast, not to your father.    Your duties to Allah are higher than your duties to your parents.  While you must respect your parents, you must not break your responsibilities to Allah.  As you are trying to please your father and Allah is most merciful, please do repent to Allah for not fasting, make up the days as you can or feed others and insha’Allah next year will be different.

 

Please do not ever feel so shamed that you cannot go to Allah.  Allah loves you very much and knows of the struggle, shame and sadness you went through as your father forbid you from fasting.  Your letter to us is most heartfelt as it is clearly evident you are remorseful, yet not sure what to do.  It is very clear you love Allah swt and love your father.  However, as much as we love our parents sister, we cannot disobey Allah just because they want us to.  Please do consult with your imam if you need assistance discussing this with your father.  As he loves you too, insha’Allah he will recognize his wrong, seek forgiveness and not try to put you through this again next year insha’Allah.  However, sister, if he does try-it, is your obligation to Allah to refuse to comply.

 

You are in our prayers we wish you the best.

 

 

I am 19 years old and my parents say that I can not hang out with friends even if they are of the same gender and we are studying. I have a job, I volunteer at the mosque and a hospital, why can I not spend time with friends? I devote time to the family and do everything they say but spending a couple hours grabbing food or watching a movie is not permitted. Shouldn't there be a middle ground? My parents do not compromise, it's their way or no way. Help!



As-salamu alaykum

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session with your issue with your parents.  It sounds as if you do have a balanced life in terms of work, studying, volunteering and Islam.  While I am not sure how long they have been in this mind set, at 19 you are a young adult as with that comes certain rights.  Everyone needs friendships and halal social times.  It is human nature to desire friends and a closeness with others for fun times.

 

I would kindly suggest that you make a list of the positive things you do, how you spend your time and what you feel is a fair amount of time for you to socialize.  Next, sit down with your parents when things are calm and discuss your list with them in a non-threatening or angry way.  Talk to them as if they are your friends because, at this age, they are supposed to be your friends as well as your parents.  You may want to read hadiths about the Prophet (pbuh) and his advice on friends, companions and healthy relationships in terms of  Islamic benefits.

 

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

While your parents may still say no, you may wish to simply ask them “why?.  Respectfully ask them what is their reasoning for not wanting you to have any social time.  Please do listen as they speak, take notes on their concerns and address it appropriately.  You may wish to bring a trusted 3rd party person in for a second discuss with their permission to help sort out what is the real reason they are against you having social time.  This could be an imam, a neutral family member or other trusted person.   Trying all venues to work out our differences with our parents is desirable and there are blessings in it.

 

While it is true you are living under their roof and need to follow their rules, you also have rights to healthy friendships.  If after you have tried several methods to resolve this issue, you may have to determine if you can live without social time, or if it is time to get your own place.  While this is a hard decision to make, please do stay close to Allah, seek His guidance and make duaa in this matter.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

 

We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

 

As-Salamu Aleikom. Thank you for the opportunity. My problem is with my smallest daughter who is 10 years old. She has mood swings frequently. In one moment, she is laughing, the other moment she is very sad. When she is sad, she hardly speaks, rather she is quietly whispering. I talk to her a lot about this, but she says she does not understand why she switches from one mood suddenly to another mood. It simply happens like this, she says. I work a lot, but spend all my free time with her. I try to have fun with her as I know she often feels bored. She has a good friend but she is rarely allowed to come to us and at home, there are only smaller children. She oftentimes says she feels sad but does not know the reason of it. My bigger daughter thinks she is depressed and that’s why she has these mood swings. I wish to know what a mental health professional says about this. I have another question related to religion. In the family, we are all Muslims, thus she prays as well (although I need to warn her many times of the prayer times). It”s her first Ramadan that she fasts. We previously gave her many things to read about Islam, but she is not really willing to read. She goes to the mosque twice a week for studying, we oftentimes talk about religion at home. But unfortunately, I feel she is not really interested in religion. She is more into TV, mobile, and internet. My question is: how could I guide her toward Islam? I wish she was more interested in it. Unfortunately, there are things she would love to do but are haram such as dancing, acting. I always say these are not good things in Islam, but I am worried that this will drive her even further from Islam. JazakAllah khayran for your response. Maryam



As-salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session with your most important concerns. You mentioned that your daughter is 10, she has mood swings (for no apparent reason), she has only 1 friend whom she rarely see’s and you fear she is not really interested ion religion.

 

I would like to insha’Allah point out a few things sister which may or may not be helpful. Fist of all as you know, your daughter is at the age wherein she is entering puberty. During this time her hormones are changing as is her body along with many other changes as you may recall when you were a young girl. Sister, have you talked to her about these changes?  For example, have you discussed menstruation, sexual feelings or boys with her? Have you explained to her what changes she should and can expect during her preadolescence and adolescent development?

 

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

If not sister I would kindly suggest that you do speak with her about these things as she may be going through many changes physically and emotionally and may not fully understand why.  She may be fearful of the changes or fearful of what she is feeling as well as embarrassed to discuss them.  As she has only 1 friend whom she hardly see’s, it sounds as if she does not have other girls to relate to either, however you are the best source of education as well as comfort.

 

I would kindly suggest dear sister that if you have not already, that you chose a time to take her out or sit with her when things are calm and it is just the two of you. You may want to begin by expressing your love for her as well as acknowledging that she is growing up into a beautiful young girl and perhaps sister share with her some of the changes and experiences you went through as a young girl.

 

Please do utilize the conversation so that it is not punitive (ie you better not be thinking of boys) but rather make it one that will create more trust and closeness between the two of you. Leave room for any questions she may have but don’t pressure her.

 

During pre-puberty and adolescence, moods can quickly change and it may look and feel like she is on an emotional roller-coaster. This is normal however if it becomes severe or she starts to isolate or display other symptoms such as paranoia, severe highs, and lows, or other increased symptoms please do take her to a counselor as soon as possible.

As she is a pre-teen and has no real close friends, it may be that yes she may be depressed. Young girls this age who do not form friendships often may feel that something is wrong with them and they may become depressed. Please do talk with her about this and see how you can possibly help her develop healthy relationships with girls her age.  Perhaps there are girl groups at the Masjid or at school or other community centers wherein activities are occurring wherein she can have the opportunity to make friends.  I suspect when she does, this will highly increase her mood and sense of self-esteem insha’Allah.

 

As far as her losing interest in Islam, it could be that she is really just preoccupied with her current needs and issues right now and as a young lady, these needs are coming first.  As in her mind, they are most pressing.  Insha’Allah, as the other issues are resolved she will regain her enthusiasm for Islam and praying. Please do remind her sister that Allah is our comfort, that He loves her.  Encourage her to go to Allah as well with any issues she has.  Insha’Allah, during this turmoilous time she will learn that both you as her mother, and Allah (swt) are the best of comforters.

 

As far as her interests, while you do not feel her interests are appropriate, things such as dancing can be done in an all girls group in a halal way and may give her increased self-esteem as well as show her that you support some of the things she is interested in. The same goes for acting. Perhaps there is a way to incorporate acting into an Islamic platform which will satisfy her interest and at the same time draw her closer to Islam.

 

In a few communities, children do take acting classes at Islamic centers or other community centers (for her a girls acting class) and it is focused on scripting short documentaries on giving dawah, life experiences as a Muslim or other relevant topics.  If you are totally against it perhaps you both can come up with a mutually agreeable format in which she can express herself and at the same time please you.

 

Sister, you are not the first parent to go through this.  While your daughter is only 10, some girls have already begun to experience puberty at this age.  I kindly suggest that you speak to her about these changes, encourage open communication, try to get her involved in activities which will help her to make friends as well as monitor her for any increase in symptoms or isolation and seek counseling for her if needed.

 

You both are in our prayers, we wish you the best!

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.