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Ask About Parenting (Live Session)

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
14 February, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

 

 

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Nasira Abdul-Aleem, for answering the questions.

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Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

 

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

[email protected]

The service is completely anonymous!

 

 

 

 

Thursday, Feb. 16, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

  I have been married for 4 years. In the first year of my marriage our life was going fine, but my husband started to leave home for about 3 weeks every 2 months just to practice his hobby; fishing. He goes with his friends to another city to fish, I started to get bothered by this as his absence is putting all the household burdens on my shoulder. His preoccupation with his hobby makes him ignore his role as a father and raising our children. Now I’m considering to ask for divorce but my family advises me not. Need your help



 As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhum

Miskeena! Because we cannot control other people’s behavior, I cannot advise you as to how to “solve” this problem. I may be able to help you find a way to “deal with it” without divorce, as your family suggested (I may not agree with them, I am not sure because I don’t have enough information to form an opinion—it is my duty to hear both sides).

 

One thing that may help you deal with it is to understand it. Do you know why your husband stays away? Is he just shirking his responsibilities or is there a reason that has to do with you, or him, or someone else? Even if there is a reason that has to do with you, his responsibility to you in the marriage is to talk to you about what is not working so together you can try to solve the problem—not leave you and his children and not take care of you and them!

 

If the problem is with him—maybe he has a history of mental illness or some other problem—has he told you that? What is his reason for leaving—if you knew the answer to that question, maybe you could deal with it better, or help him solve his problem or resolve his issue. Knowing that would give you understanding about what it happening to you in your marriage and life—then you could make a more informed decision about if divorce would be the right way to go or not?

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Have you talked to him about your displeasure with his behavior? What did he say? Did he justify it and act like it was okay in Islam and you were the one with the problem or did he say he knew it was wrong? Or, did he explain it so that you could understand how it makes sense, given the circumstances?

 

If your husband just doesn’t care about you and the kids, you have a right to a divorce and maybe you should get one. In either case, you will need to choose to divorce him or suffer it out, hoping for your reward from Allah in the Next life (and maybe in this life too by getting your emotional needs met by having good friendships with your friends and family rather than him). If you feel you need more than just the companionship of your family and friends, and especially if you are afraid you will commit zena, divorce him!!!

 

Have you gone to the masjid to consult with a scholar? Many times, men think that they can do whatever they want in their marriages. That is what they think it means to be a “man”. A scholar could set him right about that, if that is what he believes.

 

If you think it would help, try talking to him about how marriage could be a place of “sekinah” – peace of mind – for him (for the two of you, as a couple)—that is what marriage in Islam is supposed to give to us? I can only assume that sekina is what he is trying to get from fishing (that sort of feeling)—I don’t like to fish, so I don’t “get it”—to me fishing is boring beyond belief.

 

Also, his children have rights over him that are super important—on the Day of Judgment! AND in this life. Kids need a father. It has been shown that children who grow up without a Dad who is involved in their lives have much higher incidences of mental illness and criminal behavior. May Allah Protect your children! Have you talked to him about that? Please don’t assume that growing up without a Dad means that a child will become a criminal—our Prophet (peace on him), was an orphan and turned out to be the best man ever to walk the earth.

 

May Allah Make it easy for you

As-salamu `Alaikum counselor, Please I need your advice. I have 3 girls aged 14, 12 ,9. My Husband’s relation with the girls is very turbulent because he always shouts and yells at them. When I speak with him to be easy with the girls he argues that his tough behavior with them aims to protect them and shield them against being deceived by others. I’m afraid that his attitude would force the girls to leave home or fall prey to bad people.Please help me. 



 As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhum

 

Subhanalah, this is a hard one because it is someone else’s behavior that is the problem and we cannot control other people’s behavior! I want you to know that I agree with you, that your husband’s idea of how to do childrearing is the not the right way to do it—ma sha shar (Allah please don’t let what happen what you expressed you fear—that his behavior drives them out of their home and into the arms of “bad people”!).

 

First and foremost, I suggest that you get an authentic book on childrearing ACCORDING TO OUR PROPHET (Peace on him). I am sorry, but I don’t know what books are out there on that. I am just assuming that there should be one, at least, inshaAllah. Then, I don’t know if he will listen to a non-Muslim, but there are tons of good books out there on how to parent without yelling and hitting—and why we should not be harsh with our children—because it usually has the opposite effect desired.

 

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Now, I know that harshness works in a certain way (immediately and short term), and is a major part of many cultures. But, the world is in a real mess these days and much of that mess has to do with the way in which we rear our young, i.e., we tell them what to do and punish them if they don’t what we say. When children are young, of course we have to tell them what to do. But, as they grow, we need to explain things to them so that they can figure things out for themselves. We have the job of preparing them to become capable adults—capable, that is, of making their own decisions in the world when they are out there on their own.

 

I answered another question in this in this session, the following is what I said about a similar situation as yours, but different.

 

Parenting in the modern world is done all wrong, for the most part, if we use the Prophet’s (Peace on him) guidance as our gage. The Prophet (Peace on him) said that we are supposed to be our children’s “slave” up to the age of 7. After that, they need to be our slave until the age of 14. After that, we become their “advising friends”. Now, what does being a child’s “slave” mean. Well, it cannot mean do whatever the child commands because, when the child is two and three, they do not know anything about how to live in the world and they just want everything they want and throw temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want. So it has to mean (inShaAllah) that we enslaved to “taking care of them” and teaching them—which sounds about right.

 

However, it also has an element of giving them what they want in it… and that is where a lot of parents go wrong in my opinion. We think that the more we discipline them, the better for them and I don’t think that is right, according to our Prophet’s (Peace on him) guidance. I think we need to figure out how to let them “play” and explore and get what they want a lot – when it is safe. And, yes, it means our life is taken over with theirs. That is why I don’t believe in the feminist movement—because we need to devote our lives to our children for them to have healthy upbringings, inShaAllah.

 

Think about it. This tiny creature had everything they needed instantly when in our womb. Then, they come out to being bombarded with the opposite. No wonder their cries sound like they are absolutely miserable—they are! We have to help them with that! We have to gently transition them into this hard life with tons of loving care so that they can feel safe with us so they can deal with the harsh world. Disciple and serving our needs is for later, after age 7. Let them get what they need and want to be able to tolerate this harsh plane, i.e., let them be a little “selfish” for now. They will have to learn “self-less-ness” too soon enough, inShaAllah.

 

I like to explain it as analogous to stopping at a red light, i.e., taking turns. We have to learn when to give totally over to the other person so that they can get their needs me, and then we can get our turn next, inShaAllah.

May Allah Make it easy for you

Assalamu Alaykum, Since my 4 year old has started school, she has developed a nasty habit of biting her nails. I want to try and get her to stop but I am unsure how. She likes to wear nail polish and I have told her she can't wear it until she stops biting her nails as I don't want it in her mouth and I have told her nails have to look nice to wear it. What methods can I use to help her to stop?Jazak Allah kheir



As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhum

 

Thank you for asking this important question.

 

Bad habits, in general, are something called “symptoms” and not a problem in and of themselves, per se—although they can definitely become problems in and of themselves. But, our first line of defense is to resolve the problem that is causing the symptom rather than addressing the symptom.

 

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Nail biting, like any bad habit is a symptom of something else which is causing a person stress, usually. A bad habit is a “artificial” for of relief for something that the person cannot get relief from by changing the thing that is causing them the stress.

 

Thus, I would look first at that which could be causing her stress and try to alleviate that first, if you can. As you know, we cannot always remove the things that stress us. Like, a child may be in a family where there is fighting between the parents, or the parents may be getting a divorce—you can’t not fight, or not get a divorce just because it is stressing out your child—I wish that reason worked! Nonetheless, we need to at least figure out the source of the stress.

 

I do not know what kind of parent(s) you are, so what I am about to say may or may not apply to you. So, please don’t take offense if it does not apply to you, but if it does, then it may help for you to hear it. Parenting in the modern world is done all wrong, for the most part, if we use the Prophet’s (Peace on him) guidance as our gage. The Prophet (Peace on him) said that we are supposed to be our children’s “slave” up to the age of 7. After that, they need to be our slave until the age of 14. After that, we become their “advising friends”. Now, what does being a child’s “slave” mean. Well, it cannot mean do whatever the child commands because, when the child is two and three, they do not know anything about how to live in the world and they just want everything they want and throw temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want. So it has to mean (inShaAllah) that we enslaved to “taking care of them” and teaching them—which sounds about right.

 

However, it also has an element of giving them what they want in it… and that is where a lot of parents go wrong in my opinion. We think that the more we discipline them, the better for them and I don’t think that is right, according to our Prophet’s (Peace on him) guidance. I think we need to figure out how to let them “play” and explore and get what they want a lot – when it is safe. And, yes, it means our life is taken over with theirs. That is why I don’t believe in the feminist movement—because we need to devote our lives to our children for them to have healthy upbringings, inShaAllah.

 

Think about it. This tiny creature had everything they needed instantly when in our womb. Then, they come out to being bombarded with the opposite. No wonder their cries sound like they are absolutely miserable—they are! We have to help them with that! We have to gently transition them into this hard life with tons of loving care so that they can feel safe with us so they can deal with the harsh world. Disciple and serving our needs is for later, after age 7. Let them get what they need and want to be able to tolerate this harsh plane, i.e., let them be a little “selfish” for now. They will have to learn “self-less-ness” too soon enough, inShaAllah.

 

I like to explain it as analogous to stopping at a red light, i.e., taking turns. We have to learn when to give totally over to the other person so that they can get their needs me, and then we can get our turn next, inShaAllah.

 

Beyond that, to change the habit… wow – that is a hard one. I agree with what you have already done (although I find it very strange that a four-year old is already into nail polish (does she have an older sister who is sharing that with her?). You need to know that habit changing is a really hard thing to do. When we have a habit, it gouges out physical pathways in our neurological system, i.e., in our brains. To change a habit we have to replace it with a different habit that will gouge out a different pathway in our brain. You child may not have the emotional development at age four to deal with habit changing. It is something that the individual has to be very “conscious” about. You can change it for her with a replacement or a reward. Like I said, I am not into punishments, but some people try that too. Just like with potty training, rewards, like chocolate (small pieces) or jelly beans ( halal ones) can help.

 

May Allah Make it easy for you

As-salamu `Alaikum, I have 2 girls, the oldest is 10-year-old, she is very smart and sociable. She finds no difficulty in making friends and in family gathering she always becomes a source of happiness, but I notice that she talks a lot, she almost never stops talking whether we are at home or outside. In some occasions, our relatives ask her to stop a little, and this sometimes embarrassing me. I’m afraid that If I kept telling her to stop talking to affect herself confidence. How can you help me to do that?



 As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhum,

 

Thank you for asking this important question. As mothers, we are driven by an overwhelming responsibility to “care” for our children, i.e., protect them. This is good and healthy and I would never tell you to stop doing this. I can feel, in your question, your strong desire to be a good mother. However, “mothering” has two distinctly different elements that make it up, and these elements are the opposite of each other. However, they have to happen at the same time (except when our children are very young).

 

When our children are very small, it is easy: tell them what to do—to save their lives and get them through the day. This function of motherhood is the classical one. It is what we call “mothering”. However, there is another function of motherhood that is just as important but the opposite of “mothering”. It is the transitioning of children into adulthood, which culminates in launching of young adults into adulthood. Because we have to let them go one day, even sometimes push them out of the nest, so to speak, we have to get them ready to “fly” on their own., i.e., be completely independent of us—so much so that one day they will take care of us, instead of us taking care of them. To transition them into adulthood, we have to get them to where we do not tell them what to do—by making sure that we have given them the info they need to figure it out on their own!

 

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It appears to me that you are being caught in the middle of this process without realizing what your role is. You have to do both of your mothering roles at the same time. You need to tell your daughter what to do (that her talkativeness is sometimes inappropriate/too much) and you need to allow her to explore the world to figure it out for herself (thus her wealth of things to say). What to do because where she has landed in this dilemma is not working well for her—in terms of going out into the world and being an agreeable, acceptable, well formed adult. And, at the same time, you do not want to stunt her exploration of her own thoughts and feelings. You want to let her explore the world and figure it out and form her own ideas, etc.

 

So, I suggest you do the “mothering” thing by telling her (what to do) by explaining to her that we are not only one thing. When we are with others, they too are in the “relationship”. Only Allah is One, which means, inversely that we are not. In other words, our lives are healthiest and whole when we understand that we have to “interact” with others. Of course, being our self, alone, has its place and value. But, at the same time, we cannot lose sight of the fact that we have to live in a world that is defined by our relationships to others, starting with our relationship with Allah, our God. When we interact with other people, we need to “share” the space and the discussion.

 

There is nothing “wrong” with your daughter. She is just at the point in her development where she needs to learn about others and what their role is in her life. All the stuff she has to say is very important AND there is more about the world that she needs to learn, i.e, what a “relationship” is, InShaAllah.

 

One way to help her understand this is to explain to her that there are three kinds of relationships that we have in this world: the “most personal” one with Allah, the “private” one with our family and close friends, and the “public” one with the rest of the world. The private one with you and her father and siblings and extended family and close friends is a place where they could probably put up with her talkativeness, because they love her. The public world does not love her in this way and so she needs to respect its unique and different relationship with her. Since these “relationships” are NOT the same, she needs to treat them differently, and she does not get that yet, inShaAllah! Explain it to her. Let her know that she is always “safe” in her relationship with Allah, no matter what she needs to say or bring to the table.

May Allah Make it easy for you.

Dear Counselor, I’m a mother of three kids, and I’m leading a happy life with my husband. After I gave birth to my third child, I started to feel that I’m no longer interested in sex. There is no specific reason for this. I really want to have sex, but I always choose sleep over sex. I am always tired! I know this is affecting my marriage. I don’t know what to do, please advise



As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhum

Don’t worry, your feelings are completely normal and often happen to mothers, even after one child. Of course you’re tired—the job of taking care of children is not a 9 to 5 job but a 24/7 job. You now have more important things on your mind than your own needs, or even your husband—three little creatures’ depend on you for their survival! Because of that, you are no longer an independent person—you are always worrying about them, and so you should be—that is what it is to be a good mother. Even when you go to bed to get vitally-needed sleep so you can wake up tomorrow with your battery recharged so you keep them alive tomorrow, their little bodies and souls are still on your mind. That is not going to change. It is the what Allah made in a “mother” so that we would have what we need in us of emotional and physical energy to keep them alive.

 

So, how to do that AND still have a personal life, independent of them—remember, they are dependent on you, not the other way around. That is where we get all mixed up. It is healthy to have the identity of a “mother”—someone who puts other people’s needs before her own—that is good, BUT, we are more than mothers. We are also individuals and wives. So, how to do all three things at the same time? “The squeaky wheel gets the grease” BUT, without the other wheels too, the car still won’t run! So, what to do?

 

If tiredness is the only problem, do the obvious: take a nap, i.e., a “siesta” (afternoon nap). It does not have to be in the afternoon; it could be any time in the day, like after Fajr, or after you drop the kids at school–but you probably have small children who don’t go to school. A siesta is a common practice in the non-Western world, including the Muslim world, and including in the time of our beloved Rasululah (Peace on him).

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However, I suspect that there is more going on here than tiredness. It is a very good thing that you and your husband have a happy marriage, and that you used to have a healthy sex life (I am assuming). However, the “signs” to me that the problem is bigger is that you called the process “sex” instead of “love-making”, and you want sleep more than it, whatever “sex” means to you in your mind. In other words, sleep feels better to you than sex, i.e., you want it more than “sex”.

 

Towards a solution, InShaAllah, I suggest that you consider—or reconsider—what “sex” means to you, what it does for YOU—what function does it serve in YOU, not your husband. If your benefit in it is that you are serving your husband’s needs, that is a great motive, BUT, he then is getting in line with everyone else who needs you for their needs. Since his time comes at the end of day, he is at the end of the line, unavoidably, when you are going to bed. Then, you are already burnt out and don’t have anything left in you for him. However, if there is something in love-making that is for you, then….then, then, that could change everything, inShaAllah.

 

What in it could make it be for you that could make you want it? A clue to the answer is in its name: “love” making. This question may need a discussion with your husband—according to where the source of the problem lies. If your husband is not “pleasuring” you “enough” to make sex more than sex to you, or sex for him, then you are going to have tell him what he needs to do to make it feel like “love” for you, so that it becomes more “enjoyable” (to you) than sleep. However, if the problem is only in your mind, i.e., in your attitude about what you expect from sex—that it is for him and not you, per se, then you can solve this problem on your own.

 

Do you think of sex for pleasure or do you think of it as “love-making”—so that your husband can show you how much he loves you? If it is love-making, or were to become love-making for you, would you want and need that more than sleep?

 

A mother is always giving, serving, responding to, worrying about… children, husband, shopping for food, etc., She is also human and needs someone to care about her, to serve her needs, respond to her worries, etc. To recharge your battery means more than just physically. It means emotionally too. So that you can continue to give, serve, respond to, worry about … others, someone needs to do those things for you too, i.e., “love” you. That is why sex is “love-making”, not sex, per sex.

 

To have the energy to “love” all those little souls looking up at your for their needs, you need your needs taken care of too. Recharging the “love” part of your battery will, InShaAllah, give you more energy than even napping can give. If you too get the “love” you need, when you have to give it out all day, you will want to rush to get more of what you need at the end of the day.

 

Sister, please remember, for men, sex is like eating a meal (it is more than that, but that is their first response, i.e., physical, then, after that their need to be a “man” comes into play-and that is a discussion for another question, I think). For women, their first need from sex is “love-making”. So, we have to help them see beyond their “subjective” view of the world by sharing with them what we need from them. It is not their “fault” that they do not see the world the way we do. Allah made us different. There is not “fault” in that. And, in fact, the beauty in it is that it forces us to have to communicate with each other, thereby enhancing each other’s world view and growing together… IF we have a “healthy” marriage that allows for this kind of in interchange—because of our differences. I love to point out to people that “harmony” is the beautiful union of different things.

 

May Allah Make it easy for you

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