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Ask About Parenting – Live Session

Aisha Mohammad
20 November, 2016

Salam ‘Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters,

 

Thanks to all who joined our Counseling Session with our Counselor Aisha Mohamed Swan on Wednseday, November 23th, 2016. You can read the complete questions and answers below.

Stay tuned for our coming live sessions.

You can always send your question related to clinical disorders, cultural, individual, family and relationship issues to [email protected]

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Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2016 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My wife is very nervous while dealing with our children. She always screams and sometimes beats them for even for minor mistakes. I tried several times to speak with her about being calm with children and recently I noticed my children became withdrawn and afraid of speaking with us. What should I do?



As salamu alaykum brother,
While you did not state if your wife has a mental health issue, I would insist she be evaluated by a mental health professional. Additionally, she cannot continue to abuse the children, and you are their father cannot let them be abused. If you have to take your children to a safe place such as your parents, please do so. While I do not know what country you are located in, most countries have very strict laws about child abuse. I highly suggest brother that if you love your children and desire to keep them, take them to a safe place and get your wife some help.
As it sounds, the children will also need counseling as they are fearful and withdrawn. Please do arrange for therapy for them as well, immediately.

In the Qur’an (1) it states “ Indeed, Allah enjoins justice, and the doing of good to others; and giving like kindred; and forbids indecency, and manifest evil, and wrongful transgression. He admonished you that you may take heed. “ (Quran 16:91)

What your wife is doing to your children brother is haram and a sin. She is acting as an oppressor and abuser. Whether it is conscious out of anger or due to a mental illness it must be stopped. Children are a gift to us from Allah SWT, He has entrusted us with their care. We are to love our children and treat them with kindness and compassion. Sadly, they have been exposed to abuse and injustices.

Children have the right to be protected by their parents. It is expected that they will be cared for, nurtured, fed, clothed and kept from harm. Allah gave children rights just as He gave parents rights. Children have rights to a good education, a solid Islamic upbringing and a safe and calm environment to grow up in. Children who are abused often grow up with many psychological trauma and self esteem issues. They can even go on to abuse their own children as this was how they were raised, and they did not know loving kindness. This is unIslamic brother and it has damaged your children. Insha’Allah, with intervention they will be alright. Please make duaa to Allah SWT to help you and guide you towards the right people who can help. Please speak with a trusted Imam at your Masjid as well for guidance on how to go about getting your wife help after the children are in a safe place.

Brother I understand that the condition your children are now in must shock and hurt you. To see what has happened to them is very sad. You must also be upset and saddened by your wife’s issues. However, your first priority right now is getting your children to a safe place, get them into counseling and address your wifes mental health needs as well.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said “All of you are guardians and all of you are responsible for things under your guardianship; the ruler is a guardian (managing his state’s affairs) and he is responsible for things under his care, the man is a guardian over his family and responsible for them, the woman is a guardian of her husband’s house and she is responsible for it. All of you are guardians and responsible for things under your control.”

Therefore brother as you can see, you as the father as the head of your household are accountable to Allah and responsible for resolving this situation immediately. Please do not let any more harm come to your children.

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You are in our prayers brother, please let us know how you and your children and wife are doing.

1- Al Quran 16:91
2- Al-Bukhari and Muslim

After potty training my son and having him naked for many days, he found out it feels good to touch himself. I tell him nicely that he shouldn't do that. He still does it a lot; I am mortified when he walks around in public with his hands down his paints. Or when he watches tv or sits and reads a book. Almost wish we had never let him go naked to potty train. Any advice?  



As salamu alaykum,
Children at this age and younger do discover that touching oneself on their private parts feels good. Even babies are reported to touch themselves often by accident but find it pleasurable none the less. And guess what, it usually occurs around potty training time.

EverDayHealth (1) states “Your child’s new love affair with her genitals is fueled by age-appropriate curiosity and is as innocent as her exploration of her fingers and toes. You may notice this behavior around the time you switch her to training pants (accessibility is key) or when you begin potty-training (her private parts have now become the focus of a lot of public attention)”. So, what your son is going through is normal. It is an age appropriate curiosity and response. While it is now a behavior that is undesirable as he is doing it in public, or while engaged in an activity, rest assured that he is not doing it purposefully as some older children who know better may. He is merely reacting on a primitive response from a pleasurable stimuli.

I would kindly suggest that when he does touch himself that you do not yell at him, or tell him he is bad. Rather pull his hand away and divert him to another activity such as a toy, a game or other distraction. Ask him if he needs to go to the bathroom and take him. Often times a child will touch themselves if they have to use the restroom. If this is not the case, if you take him to the restroom when he is touching himself, he may associate the bathroom with self touching. I don’t know how old your child is, but explain to him in terms he can understand that his body part is private and not to be touched in public. Additionally, when you divert him from the activity and he stops, praise him for his good social behavior. It will take repetition and patience on your part, but in time these behaviors should stop.
While these are normal reactions on his part and a natural response concerning growth and development, they are behaviors which should be diverted but not punished or made a big deal out of. The more emphasis and focus you put on it, the more he may do it as he is getting a big reaction. If you yell or punish him or tell him he is bad, he may develop low self esteem about his body, sexuality and functioning when he is older.

A fine balance is needed to stop these behaviors but with patience and consistency it can be done! We Wish you the best.

I have a son who is 2 years old, and he is very attached to me. He still sleeps in our bed, sometime we have our shower together (me and my son), but my husband start to ask me to stop doing so, but I think he still very young. so my question is When should parents stop being naked around their children? Thank you  



As salamu alaykum sister,

Thank you for your most important question. As children are to be breastfed until they are two years old, it stands to reason that a child this age is not aware of the nakedness of his mother. While I am not an Islamic scholar, it would appear that you are not violating any Islamic rulings as your child is still a baby. Once however children begin to develop an awareness of self and others such as a child wanting to dress in private, or if a child begins to look at the sexual organs of his mother then it is perhaps time to keep oneself covered.

In the Qur’an it states “But when the children among you come of age, let them (also) ask for permission, as do those senior to them (in age): Thus does Allah make clear His signs to you: for Allah is full of knowledge and rules right.” (Quran 24: 58-59).
In this verse we can see “when the children among you come of age” to mean children who have reached the age of this awareness -possibly preadolescence, puberty and according to some scholars by the age of 4 a child begins to develop a sense of this awareness.
The request from you husband sister may be stemming from something other than Islamic etiquette and more from the position of a husband wanting more intimate, alone time with his wife. While I am not sure if this is your first child, your husband may be feeling left out. Yes, husbands do need attention after a baby is born! If we think about it, before we had children, it was just our husband’s and us. Then along comes this cute and very needy little baby which usually gets most of our attention. It is my feeling that your husband is longing for the closeness he and you shared and thus is requesting that your baby sleep in his own bed and that you also not shower with your baby. I suspect he is missing sleeping with you alone as well as having more intimate times with just you and him.
With that said, it is very important to realize that after a baby is born that the married couple try to retain intimacy, closeness and time alone. Too much time spent only as he, she and baby can cause distance and hurt in a marriage. Try to find a balance so that your husband gets alone time with you as well. Your child is not too young to sleep alone nor does he need you every minute. In fact it is good for him to develop independence and coping skills in your absence. However he may also go through separation anxiety when you do begin leaving him for periods of time. Separation anxiety starts somewhere between the ages of 8 months to 1.5 years and some even as late as 18 months to 2.5 years of age (2). It all depends on the child. If you leave your child, he might start crying, clinging to you, resist the comforts of others and frankly be quite miserable and make mom feel guilty! However, by telling your child “I will be back”-and coming back each time, it will reinforce his sense of security and insha’Allah the separation anxiety will decrease over time. I would kindly suggest dear sister that you begin leaving your child with trusted relatives or friends for short periods of time and spend that time with your husband. Not only will it be beneficial for your marriage to spend alone time with your husband but it will also be good for your baby to begin the process of independence and skill building.
I would also kindly suggest you evaluate your own attachment to your baby. While we all are deeply attached to our children, sometimes first time or new mom’s can become overly attached to their child as their child is to them. Some mother’s cannot function unless their child is with them. Parents can go through separation anxiety too. Much like when we were young and had a favorite toy or blanket that we could not be without, separation from our children can produce a similar anxiety and fear. Also, some mom’s become overly attached to their babies in the hopes that their husband’s will distance themselves from wanting intimacy with them. This can be due to fatigue, fear of having sexual relations (pain, another pregnancy) or just plain loss of desire. If any of these describe you sister, please do have a medical evaluation to ensure your hormones have returned to normal after childbirth and breastfeeding. Also, if you have been feeling depressed, please see a local therapist for counseling. While postpartum depression usually occurs a few weeks after birth and has pronounced symptoms and can last for several months or longer, I am mentioning it just in case you are experiencing symptoms you did not discuss here.
While I am sure that insha’Allah everything is fine and everything will work itself out, please be assured that there is no harm in sleeping with your child at this age sister, yet you may want to start putting him in his own bed so you and your husband can have some alone time at night. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.
1- An-Noor 24: 58-59

Salams dear counselor, I need your advice. I’m a mother of 3 kids, my eldest daughter - 9 year-old- is an attention seeker, for an instance she gets upset over little things, she sometimes misbehave and doing the wrong just to take my attention and this really makes me nervous, How do I change her behavior?  



As salamu alayum sister,

I can understand your exasperation at your daughter’s “attention seeking” behaviors! As parents, we all go through ups and downs with our children and with each new stage of development, comes new challenges and rewards. A child’s temperament, environment as well as the parenting styles all reflect on how a child will sail through changes and challenges.

First of all, I would kindly suggest making a list of her worrisome behaviors. Then look and see if anything precipitated the said behavior. For instance, if she was quietly playing with her toys or reading a book and then begins to yell or whine, was there anything that could have triggered this? Often time there are triggers to children’s behaviors that we are parents may miss. We only see the end result, the behavior. Thus, I kindly suggest that you try to be observant of things going on before she misbehaves or acts out. I remember when I was about 7 or 9, we use to go visit my grandmother. My cousins and I would play outside and very often I would bang on the door, scream to get in and once in I would knock over a glass of juice, or rudely interrupt my mom and grandmother. This of course lead to discipline. However, what I could not explain to my mother at the time is that every time I would play with my cousins, they would tease me and chase me with worms (ughh). Therefore, my behavior was not acting out of being defiant, it was just a 8 year olds way of indicating that something was wrong. This happens often with children, not always the issue of being bullied, but triggers that cannot be verbalized yet lead to undesirable behaviors.

Additionally, as you stated your daughter is the oldest, perhaps she is feeling jealous or left out as your attention must naturally now be divided three ways. This is completely normal for older children to feel jealous especially if there is a larger age difference between her and her siblings. If so, you can imagine being the only child for awhile, getting all the attention and being in the limelight and then comes along two siblings whom you now have to share mom with. Eldest children sometimes have difficulty with this transition. I would kindly suggest dear sister that you try to spend some extra time with her alone. Maybe take her to a favorite spot she enjoys or have one night (or part of a day) a week where in it is a special time just for the two of you. Sometimes we as parents have very hectic schedules. We often work, take care of children, do our daily home chores, shop, take the kids here and there, tend to ant social commitments such as charity and so on.

Researchers (1) found that the average American child only gets 3.5 minutes of daily uninterrupted time with a parent! Shocking yes. However when we do factor in all that we do and the constant interruptions in a daily schedule, it is a plausible reality. If this is not the case with your child, perhaps she needs some additional guidelines on how to interact with others. To accomplish this, seek out times when your child is being good and raise her. Give her extra attention and props for her good behaviors. When she is acting out or misbehaving, send her for a time out for a few minutes. Don’t talk a lot about the behavior as that is giving it attention and re-enforcing it. Just tell her “okay, it’s time for time out” and do it. When a few minutes have passed invite her back into the scenario and re-enforce her positively by saying something like “I know you can behave now, so let’s continue playing with the rest of the children”. Insha’Allah if you are consistent and firm-rewarding the good and ignoring/giving time out for the negative behaviors, you will slowly see a change.

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Lastly dear sister, your daughter is a preadolescence. This means that in a very short time she will begin menstruating and go through bodily changes as well as emotional ones. With the high surge of hormones, you will definitely see changes in her. Perhaps this is what you are experiencing now. Research has shown that “a girl’s first period usually occurs at about age 12, some girls experience their first period much earlier. And even before she gets her first period, your daughter will be noticing other changes in her body: Recent studies show that most girls start developing breast buds sometime between age 9 and 10” (2). So my sister, insha’Allah it will soon be time to talk to your daughter about the changes she will , or may be already going through. If she has begun to develop breast buds or slight pubic or under arm fuzz, you know the time has started. You can always take her to a physician to confirm, but if she has started, this may also be contributing to her behaviors.

Please do follow up with a counselor in your area if her behaviors are worsening despite your efforts to decrease them. However, it is my feeling that they will be remedied by finding out the cause as outlined above and taking te appropriate actions.

We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

 

 

My mother doesn't agree with the way I raise my kids. How do I approach this with her?



As salamu alayum,

Often times there are disagreements from our parents in the way we raise our children. This often happens due to several reasons. Some include a true concern on the part of the parent, wanting to be more involved in the raising of the grandchildren; feelings of being left out and not feeling as if they are a significant part of the family life, or a need to control.
While it is not clear if you have a close relationship with your mother, or what her issues are with the way you raise your children, I would kindly suggest sitting down with her when things are calm perhaps over tea or coffee and asking her what are some of her concerns and why. If you chose to discuss this with her, I would kindly suggest that you start off by telling her you love her and that you do want to hear her concerns so you both can work out a mutually agreeable relationship for the sake of the children and family as a whole.
In addition, I would try not to come across as defensive or accusatory, but let it be a time wherein she can talk about her issues with how you raise your children and why. You may find out that due to faulty communication or misperceived observations that her conclusions are inaccurate. If so, this would open up a door of communication to give examples of how you are raising them (specific issue being addressed) and how not only is it beneficial for your children, but try also to relate it to a way you were raised when you were growing up. For instance, if your mom has issues with how you take too much time reading to them instead of putting them right to bed, you might want to illustrate that the times when you were read bedtime stories as a child were some of the most memorable times that you cherished. If possible, if you can tie in her issues with a positive from your childhood, she may recall these times and develop a better understanding.

Assure your mother that she is needed and loved within the family circle and that she holds a very important and special positions. Also remind her however, that she did a wonderful job raising you and that is why you have the skills, love and nurturing compassion you do today as a mother. By aligning her issues with the way you raise your children, to the positive way you were raised will insha’Allah help remind her that she did a god job as a mother.
If your mom is resistant to communication and working on these issues, you may want to remind her that you and the children love her very much, but as the children’s mom, you are raising them the way you feel is best but that her kindly, loving suggestions are welcomed if not brought in an overbearing mode. Kindly explain to your mom that you are confident that she raised a competent, wonderful daughter and now as a mother you feel you are raising your children the right way.

You can also set limits as to what you will tolerate and will not tolerate. For instance, if she yells at you or the children about these issues, you have the right to tell her that yelling in you home is not permitted as it is unhealthy and destructive. If you are in her home, you have the option to leave. If she gets argumentative concerning the children, you can chose to dis-engage. When you refuse to argue, the one who desires to argue will soon be left arguing with themselves and thus the behavior will insha’Allah decrease.

If you set boundaries sister, for appropriate and inappropriate interactions with your mom and be consistent, insha’Allah over time she will begin to realize that she is not in control over your style of parenting, you are. In addition, Islamically the rights of the parents over the children are more than the rights a grandparent has over them. Allah SWT trusted them to you and your husband, therefore you and your husband will be accountable to Allah for how you raise them, not you mother.

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Insha’Allah show your mom respect at all times, but make your love-and boundaries clear. In time insha’Allah, she will adapt, feel needed as part of the family and her concerns insha’Allah will dissipate with patience. We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

As-salamu Alaikum Counselor, My son is 16 years old. Recently, discoverd that my son was searching porn websites. He doesn't know that I know about this. And I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell his father about this, because he might get violent and it could be a fight. Please help, What should I do?



As salamu alaykum sister,
Shokran for writing to our live session. Your son is at that age wherein sexual curiosity is high, and normal. Watching porn is a common problem with teens (and adults), Muslim and non-Muslim alike. However, as you know, porn is haram and your son should be discouraged from seeking out and watching porn sites.
What kind of a relationship does he have with his father? You stated if his father found out, that his father would get violent or start a fight. That is not a way to treat a young adult/child as I am sure you know, violence is not acceptable. It will only push him further away from possibly his family and even Islam. If violence and anger are used to instill Islamic values and principles-that is a conflict for your child knows anger and violence are not our way.
Therefore, anything else that is said about Islamic matters may not be taken seriously in light of this conflict.
Perhaps you may have to take it upon yourself, or engage an understanding uncle or other male figure to speak with your son. While this is not to go over his father, this is critical for your son’s life and his Islamic values, as well as his relationship with Allah SWT. There is a great need to impart educational information, Islamic teachings and provide an opportunity for your son to feel safe and secure in sharing his feelings regarding this and to answer any questions he may have. He also needs to be taught alternative means for harnessing his sexual desires and a trusted adult to talk to about his concerns and/or questions.
Is he able to talk to his father about sensitive matters at all? Have either you or your husband talked with your son about the changes his body and emotions go through during puberty (a little late now though)? Have you talked with him about sexuality, desires, marriage in an Islamic context? If you haven’t had this conversation, this may be why in part he is seeking porn sites, to learn. Also it is a stimulation as we know.

Dear sister I would kindly advise that if you can’t go to your husband for help with this issue and you have no other male figures to step in, then you should insha’Allah speak with him yourself. I would not come out and say you know he has been seeking or watching porn. This would only embarrass him and possibly make him withdraw from any conversation. It could also cause him to be more careful in his seeking out porn sites so you will not find out. The goal is to bring him closer to you, not push him away.

Insha’Allah, find a time when things are calm, and take him out for lunch, or another activity wherein you can talk. I would begin to address the topic by bringing up how proud of the fine young man he is becoming, and you know it must not be easy as you realize at this age he is going through a lot of changes emotionally and physically. I would ask him if he is interested in girls yet or thinking of a future marriage. I would inshaAllah, begin to discuss sexuality, emotions/feelings and tell him that it is a normal part of growing and being human. You may want to give an example of something you experienced as a young girl, such as a crush on a guy and how you handled it. In this way, he will feel you are able to relate to him and you are not just sitting there lecturing or judging. I would also go over Islamic values regarding keeping chaste.

I would ask for his opinions and input on the subject. Don’t make it a one way conversation or lecture, but insha’Allah, try to make it a two-way engaging conversation wherein he also is expressing is feelings and views. Try to work into the discussion topics of entering adulthood such as the dangers of being alone with a girl, the consequences associated with not following Allah’s commands to keep chaste, as well as the benefits of keeping chaste and pure. Discuss the prevalence and dangers of pre-marital sex and porn in our society, as well healthy outlets for his sexual desires and curiosities.
You may want to offer him some concrete suggestions on how to handle his budding desires such as avoiding movies, internet sites and TV shows that are stimulating such as ones showing half naked females; if he feels he may become aroused or lose control to leave the situation which he is in; developing a productive, tight schedule that does not leave a lot of time for idle thoughts; watching the company he keeps, making sure his friends are ones who desire to follow Islamic values; suggest getting involved in Islamic boys groups and clubs for positive Islamic growth and socialization as well as remind him that Allah loves him and desires for him to be pure in heart and body for his future wife-just as he would want his future wife to be pure and chaste.
Remind him that we are all human and we all make mistakes and sin, but that Allah loves to forgive and encourage him to repent and seek Allah’s forgiveness if he does fall short. Encourage your son to read Qur’an as well as increase his duaa to Allah to help him through these difficult years. Insha’Allah, remind your son that you love him and that you are there for him if he ever needs anything or ever has questions.
Insha’Allah, you will be able to form a lasting bond with your son which will decrease these behaviors and guide him towards more healthier outlets. You are in our prayers sister, we wish you the best.

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