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Hannah Morris On Parenting and Family Issues

Hannah Morris
07 July, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Tuesday, Jul. 10, 2018 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I want to marry a girl I know for 4 years. I'm 29-years- old and she is 31 years. The girl's parents are agreed on our marriage but my parents are not because of her age. If I do nikah without my parent's permission. Only the girl's parents will be present and my cousin, will it be considered valid???



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

I can’t advise on the fiqhi matters as I am not a scholar, but I would advise you to confirm if it is, in fact, ok for you to marry without your parents present.

 

I can, however, provide you with some support on your situation. Your situation is not an isolated one. There are many many cases where a couple do not receive support from one family, or even both at times. It places a great burden on the couple as, of course, in an ideal world, every couple wants the support of both families to make for a smooth marriage without problems.

 

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If you feel you can deal with this then go ahead. Perhaps, in sha Allah, your parents will come round and agree to the marriage. It may take a while, but once they see you happy, hopefully, they will be happy too. Parents like to see their children happy.

 

Perhaps something you could try, whether it is ruled that you can or cannot marry her without them present, you could organize a meeting between the 2 families. This will give your parents the opportunity to get to know her and her family.

 

To realize that her age is completely irrelevant because she is a good person from a good family. This may turn their hearts towards her and make them more agreeable to the marriage, whether this is before or after it happens depending on the scholarly advise you receive.

 

If you can’t organize a face to face meeting, then maybe even a phone call will suffice and give a chance to get to know her for who she is, not her age, raw,  or any other thing that people have stereotypes based on. This might be a process that takes a little time and requires patience and prayers but may work to soften their hearts towards her.

 

Additionally, you might talk to them yourself and let them know that in marriage, age doesn’t meter,  as with race and class and what matters is her piety and that she makes you happy. You may even consider bringing support with you; either a family member who you feel they will listen to or even your local imam.

 

This way your parents will know you’re serious and will take you more seriously as they come to know how much it means to you. An imam will also be able to convince them with the Islamic perspective on age being quite the irrelevant factor in marriage, using evidence from the sunnah of the Prophet (SAW)Arrington an older woman, Khadijah.

May Allah guide you and your parents and make your spouse the coolness of your eyes in thi

s life and the next.

 

How do we deal with a parent who imposes his way of life and decisions on his children? bearing in mind that they are 26 years above who have tried all ways to convince him not to!



Assalamu alaikum,

 

As children, we do often get frustrated with the fact that we must obey our parents even when they push us to do things that we don’t want to or can’t see the wisdom behind it. As we grow up, in most cases we do come to realize the wisdom behind their actions and often turn to do exactly the same to our own children. However, by the age of 26 most adults have left the home and live independently either with a spouse or even alone and so are not faced with such a strong influence as in early childhood.

 

If a parent continues to control them as they did as a child it can become very frustrating for the child who is now an adult as is in this case.

 

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The first thing to do in this scenario is to try and understand why the parent is doing this. Understanding why can help to develop a way of managing the situation that is more likely to succeed as it is compatible with the parent’s way of thinking.

 

Often once a child hits the age where they are contemplating leaving home, the parent now suddenly gets worried because they will no longer have as much influence over the child or have full awareness of what they are up to. Worried that they may meet bad people and they have no control to keep them away from harm or worried they’ll make bad decisions and they’ll not be around to guide them or support them.

 

Worried they’ll end up in a situation where they need protecting or moral support and they can’t be there to give it to them. This can be a very daunting prospect. Something that all parents will struggle with as their children enter adulthood, but something some parents can deal with better than others. This may be exacerbated in scenarios where the child is an only child, where the parents have divorced, or where there has been some trauma suffered by the family.

 

This is one common explanation for the behavior you have described, and in which case the parent is best felt with a gentle manner where they are offered support to deal with the psychological difficulties they face in letting their child grow up and become independent.

 

However, an alternative explanation may be that this parent has narcissistic tenancies and is doing it solely as a means of control; not it of concern, but as a means to control the situation and the child. If this is the case then a far firmer approach needs to be taken and the child should try not to let the parent control them so much being firm in any decision they make and not simply abiding by all the commands that the parent puts forth. The child needs to let the parent known that they are an adult now and can make their own choices. This lets the parent known that they cannot control everything.

 

Of course, this has to be done in a way that keeps in mind that children should obey their parents, except in matters where they force them to do something against Islam, son this approach needs to be taken with caution to avoid sinning in the eyes of Allah. Perhaps a way to achieve this for the child is to take some time away.

 

This way they are given the chance to do things for them self without being told what to do by the parent. It also gives the child a chance to be them self,  by them self and have a break from being controlled by the parent. This may also give them a sense of relief and better ability to deal with the situation calmly, yet firmly.

 

It may even be wise if this situation continues to get worse for them to seek family counseling either through traditional means or with the local imam at the very least.  This will give them both the chance to speak their minds non-judgementally, have their voices heard and be able to truly distinguish if this truly is the parent just being overprotective, or if they are controlling.

 

This way they will be advised on how best to deal with the situation and the parent can be made aware of the situation in a way that they may not be aware of, especially if they don’t realize that child is having such a hard time with the situation.

 

May Allah bring ease to the child and parent and place a love between them that will keep them both happy.

 

Asalamu alaikum, may Allah reward you all for all your efforts to the Muslim ummah. How to discipline a ten-year-old to be on his schedule whether it's his chores or his homework. He is a very good boy but I just can't get him to be on schedule. If I take away anything he likes or gives him chores that he despises nothing changes. How can I also make him really love the Quran? I have three masjids one beats kids and one is careless about children and one doesn't have Quran classes and online is expensive for me. How to increase his English vocabulary? How can I make him into a good writer? He is a fourth grader, he is good in math. How can I make him excellent in math? English is my second language. He also doesn't have male role models and no one to look up to at the masjids. I am thinking of homeschooling him next school year hen he starting 5th grade. His teacher says he plays in class too much because he is the first to finish everything and he doesn't have anything to keep him busy. I want him to excellent and become the best, I don't want him to be normal boy. Also, I'm worried for his deen at school. I know my writing is all over there place but I really worry about my son. Please advice me. Thank you very much, May Allah reward you with better.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister and ameen to your duas,

 

It sounds like you are going through a lot trying to raise your son in the best way, wanting what’s best for him, whilst trying to instill the love of Islam and Quran in him too.

 

Raising children is not easy! We all face one challenge or another and the ones you have listed here are yours. These are your tests. Rest assured you are far from alone. These are the very same struggles we all face.

 

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Your best support first and foremost is prayer. Continue to pray to Allah to guide your son and to guide you in raising him in the best way.

 

Firstly, regarding trying to get your son to stick to his schedule, you can begin by not putting too much pressure on him. Putting pressure on him, and punishing him will only make him have negative associations with these things and will only make him hate them and push him away from completing as to how you want him to. Instead, focus on the positives.

 

Most children thrive on positive reinforcement, so instead of focusing on when he doesn’t stick to the schedule, reward him when he does. This way he will have positive associations with completing his chores to schedule and will be more likely to repeat the positive actions.

 

Another useful tactic in discipline children is to give them some control. This makes them more likely to complete the task as they feel a part of it as opposed to obeying commands. So, for example, you might tell him you want him to do a certain chore, but he can pick at what time he does it. Or, allow him to pick the chore and you to pick the time.

 

This way it becomes a more collaborative effort that involves him somehow, rather him feeling he is just being told what to do all the time which is the very thing that leads them to disobedience as a means to give themselves control over something they don’t.  Giving him that control prevent that from happening

 

These same principles can be applied in teaching him the Qur’an too. Reward him when he does a good job of reading when he independently picks up his Qur’an and practices son he has positive associations with the Qur’an. If he abandons it or takes things lightly, rather than being too harsh and punishing be more gentle in your approach. Being harsh will only breed hate for the Qur’an and steer him away from it.

 

Regarding homeschooling, if this is the route you take then I would highly recommend joining some of the many support groups available. There are many face to face and online. There you can meet with and chat to other homeschooling mums who will be able to advise based in their experiences. You may also get the opportunity to meet with others in the same situation too which will be good for both you and your son, especially as a single mum where you may have less opportunities for these types of interactions.

 

May Allah reward your desire to be the best parent and raise your son on the straight path. May He guide you and your son and may your son bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

 

I am a young doctor from Bangladesh. I passed MBBS in 2016 and finished an internship in 2017. Since then I have been studying for getting chance in fellowship programme in surgery. My family, friends, near and dear ones all requested me to go for job exams. I didn't listen to any. I live alone. For last 6 months, I have been studying.i used amphetamine to be awake extra hours for extra study.i am a big sinner.i have done a lot of sins.having extramarital sex, drugs, boasting over issues.but for last 6 month I was really depressed. I studied, studied and studied. I didn't eat well.i have a very bad health now. I did that because my intentions were if I could pass the exams I could make my parents, near and dear ones happy.my father is at stake since last month.he is falsely accused of bribery by anti-corruption commission.his hearing is on the 5th of July. My exams are on 3rd, 4th, and 5th of July. Last one month I couldn't study like I did before.last days before exams I couldn't study at all. As I am writing to you, my exams are tomorrow but I am so low that I cant study.i have cried all night fearing that Allah is annoyed with me.i have been crying at nights for Allah's mercy but every time I break promise and do the same sins again.last night I had thoughts of suicide.how can I avoid this.i have all the scientific knowledge regarding depression and its management but none is helping me. I need Allah's mercy only. How can I ask him?? Tell me about the ways?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It seems like you have been going through a lot of bother in your quest to pass all your exams and this has made you stressed and depressed and as a result, you have turned to all sorts of haram. You are now feeling regretful about everything you have done and fear how Allah will deal with you.

 

The good thing is that you are feeling bad about it. It may not feel like you are in a good place right now, but having regrets like you do will stand you in a good place to overcome your difficulties. You feel sorry and this will make it easier for you to stand in front of Allah in prayer and ask for His forgiveness. Allah’s loves to forgive so continue to ask him and beg Him.

 

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Seek Him in the early hours of the night, cry to Him and beg for His Mercy. This will help you to feel better by taking your affairs to Allah and having confidence in His Mercy. This will also bring you to comfort more generally as hearts find rest in His remembrance as He tells us in the Qur’an  Never stop with this. Remember Him in all you do and your heart will find more and more comfort.

 

The next step after seeking forgiveness is to do all you can to not commit such acts again. You say that in the past you have gone back to these sins again, so it’s important that you strive to avoid them. Do what you can to avoid situations that make you feel like turning to these things.

 

So, for example, if it’s about avoiding people who encourage you, or don’t stop you, then avoid being with them. Instead spend time with people who will stop you, or are Allah fearing and will only encourage you to do good things.

 

In your case, however, it seems that your trigger is stress. Stress to pressure and exams. Therefore,  your best solution might be learning stress management and time management skills and implementing them son that exams cause as little disturbance to you as possible.

 

Make sure to start you revision way ahead of time so you don’t end up in the last minute rush. Make yourself a schedule so you can be sure you cover all topics with sufficient time. Furthermore, exams are naturally stressful, so always factor in time for self-care also, time to things you enjoy, time to take exercise, and time to just relax for example. Also, make sure to get sufficient sleep and eat well.

 

These are all things that will help in numerous ways. They will bust exam stress as well as being natural treatments for depression and just generally make you feel more positive.

 

Of course, these are things you can do to help ease your situation, but if you are feeling suicidal then things have gone to a different level  you certainly should engage in all of the above to make things easy on yourself, but if you are feeling suicidal, do please seek professional help and counselling. It may be that you need to use some medication for a while to treat your symptoms of depression to make it easier for you to move to the next step, and counselling will help you to deal with the psychological aspect.

 

May Allah forgive you and make it easy for you. May He give you the best in this life and the next.

 

Aslamualaikum, I am 25 year old female living a life full of regrets. When i was 18 years old i experienced 2 bad decisions of my life. Number 1 I got admission in the best medical college in my country but my father didn't allow me to go out of the city and live in a hostel. He forced me to study in the medical college which is located in my own city. This college was not good and i knew that. I requested him to allow me to go out of the city but he didn't do that. I finished my bachelors but I have regretted that I could be the better doctor if I got a chance to study in a better medical college. Second, my first cousin sent marriage proposal through his parents to my parents but due to family issues among both families in the past my father rejected that proposal. Both of us had an idea that we like each other but we never talk about this. He directly sent the proposal and my parents rejected that without discussing it with me. I just want to know that i was 18 years old at that time. I think it was my fault. I should argue with my father to allow me to go out of the city and also to accept that marriage proposal. But at same time i was only 18 years old i had no courage to talk about those issues. Can you please tell me is it my fault that I didn't stand for my right at the age of 18 years old? Should i regret about it or not? Was that my fault? I am living in agony for 7 years.. please help me



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Living with regrets for such a long time can take its toll on the person due to prolonged psychological pressure. We all live with some regrets from things we have said and done in childhood and often wish we could go back and change them. The problem is that we can’t.

 

Like in your scenario, you can’t take back what has happened; that you didn’t debate with your gather about allowing you to study outside of your city and accept the marriage proposal. What you can do, however, is not let these past events continue to bother and effect who you are today. You can use what happened to shape who you are today and learn from past mistakes, giving you the confidence to speak up when necessary so as to avoid the same regrets you are experiencing now.

 

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Also, remember that perhaps if it was meant to be; if you were meant to study outside your hometown or marry this man then Allah would have allowed it happen. He didn’t allow it to happen and maybe that is what was best for you. Use your trust in Allah that He guided you in the path you are on now to find more comfort in the situation.

 

Ponder of the positive things that have happened in the last 7 years that possibly wouldn’t have done if you had to study away from home or married this man. You may see some things now,  and others maybe in the future. For example, maybe Allah has someone who will be better for you lined up, someone that won’t cause difficulties between the families and will be even better for you in the long run.

 

Do also keep in mind that there are reasons that your father objected to you going away and marrying this man. If you had argued with him about it, maybe you would be aware of these things, but the moment has passed now so it’s probably best to just let go and accept things as they are, as Allah has willed.

 

For example, as a father, he wants to protect you and if you were to study outside your hometown he would be less able to do this. He would not feel like he is fulfilling his role as a father to protect you. Therefore, his reasons for stopping you could likely have been out of a deep and caring love for you.

 

Furthermore, regarding the proposal, you were aware that it may have caused difficulties between the families and perhaps this is the very reason that he did not keep to go ahead with this.  Discontent between the husband and wives families make for a very doc on tented and unhappy marriage so your father was just trying to protect you from this. Additionally, your parents only want what’s eat for you, they want you to marry the best man who will make you happy.

 

At the same time, however, if you were to marry then they would also fear losing you to some extent too. This is a big fear for parents as it involves letting go and allowing their child to be independent and not rely in them anymore.  It places them in a position where they can no longer protect you as much and in the way that they feel is best for you.

 

From here, you can try and look back with the understanding of the situation from your parents perspective, as well as in terms of Allah’s plan. You can then move forward with this new understanding and confidence in yourself to learn from the past and use it to your advantage in the future.

 

May Allah bring you ease and grant you a righteous spouse when the time is right, who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.