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Ask About Parenting- Counseling Session

Hannah Morris
07 March, 2018

As-salamu Alaikum Dear brothers and sisters

 

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannahfor answering the questions.

The answer will be published very soon

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Thursday, Mar. 08, 2018 | 09:00 - 11:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu alaikum-I hope u can give me guidanceMy relationship with my parents is not so good-I am just going to get straight to the pointMe and my mother are always arguing and I hate it but its always happening. Sometimes its about pathetic things sometimes its about big things. I know about my father and the bad things he does and I am horrified and I get extremely upset by his alcohol addiction but my mother doesnt like it but cannot do anything about it as she has to tokerate it. I feel like my parents dont know islam anymore (eg my mum only reads namaaz and quran when its ramazan and my dad fasts but doesnt read namaz/quran). For example my parents go out late at night leaving me and my siblings at home and I hate it and the replies are “You dont want us to be happy” “You are selfish” “You are not my mother” “So what”but i am not trying to be like that at allI have got a big attitude and i do try to better myself by getting closer to Allah and start reading namaz but it is difficult to change when my parents cannot. It has got to the point where I argue with my mum all the time and my father is getting worse (personality and actions) and I cannot tolerate anymore. I genuinely think I am depressed. But i dont know what to do. For example we went on holiday recently and before that my mum told me that she wouldnt leave us alone in the hotel but they did twice and i was so upset that they lied and we fought again. I am not trying to stop them having time together it is just I hate staying at home (and especially a different country) by ourselves late at night and i try to tell them that but i am called a liar and i am only doing this because i dont want them to be happy.I do think I am much closer to my mum than my father but I think it is too late for my parents to change (my parents get angry when we try to tell them to read namaz)I get really sad sometimes and i seem to be happy at school rather than at home. I dont know what to do as i want to change but my parents do not want to.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh

 

It is a shame to read stories like this where parents are not taking in their full responsibilities and are turning to things that could be such a negative influence in the children. It sounds as if you’ve almost been thrown into the position of the mother of the family taking care of siblings in their absence. This alone can evoke negative feelings regardless of everything else going on. The fact that you feel happier at school than at home is a good indication of how severe things are. Also, your parents not willing to make a change makes things even more difficult.

 

The first thing is to make sure that despite your parents attitudes towards Islam, this does not have to impact yours. In fact you could even be a positive role model to them. You must continue to practice yourself without being influenced by then. They might even see you praying regularly or reading the Qur’an and feel ashamed that they are not and be positively influenced to take action themselves. If they do, then this may soften their own hearts towards everything. Aside from this, continuing to get closer to Allah yourself will give you the strength and inspiration to manage these difficulties. This will also give you the opportunity to pray to Allah to guide your parents.

 

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Make sure that when in an argument with your parents to control your tongue and only respond in a nice way, or even saying nothing at all. This might seem somewhat unfair, but repelling their mean ways with good could soften their heart. If you think about it, it’s difficult to say bad things to someone who never says bad things to you themselves.

 

You might also consider some kind of family counseling. This is something you could perhaps discuss by getting in contact with your local imam who will also be able to advise from an Islamic perspective. This way you will all get a chance to express your opinions in an environment free from judgement where all your voices will be heard. Additionally or alternatively, you might ask someone in the family who you feel comfortable with to intervene on your behalf and talk to your parents. This might be especially useful if there is someone in your family who your parents have a good relationship with and are more likely to listen to.

 

Make sure amongst all this to take care of yourself. You are under a lot of stress and it is understandable why you are feeling depressed. Make sure to make time to do all the things that you enjoy too, spend time with friends, take part in hobbies that you enjoy. This will help you to embrace life more general with a positive outlook and feel better equipped to deal with negativity. You might also consider taking a break from it all and go and stay with a friend or relative for a few days.

 

May Allah guide your parents and make things easier for you.

As-salamoualaikumMy daughter left home since three months. I know she is in love with a Hindu boy.She tells me that she lives alone far from me and I don’t know the exact place. To me they are waiting to get married because both of them are studying. I also know that they have intimate relationship that’s why I stopped her university, but after two months she run away. She is 21 year old and I have tried a lot to bring her back but I failed. Now I only make duah so that Allah open her eyes and bring her back home.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It is very hard for parents when their children grow up and leave home. In your case, this is made especially difficult when you are sure she has left to be with someone outside of Islam and that she is committing haram acts with him outside of marriage. To this point you did everything that you could to prevent this by pulling her from university, but now she has left and you don’t know where she is exactly, you feel helpless to prevent her getting into any harm despite all your best efforts. May Allah read you for trying to guide her aright. There are a couple of things you can try in this situation however.

 

First and most importantly never lose hope in the mercy of Allah. Continue to pray for her. Ask Allah to guide her aright and bring her back to you and keep her away from harm. Be patient and persistent in your prayers and in sha Allah He will answer your prayers when the time is right.

 

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Continue to try and contact her and express your concern. Whilst what she is doing is concerning, do also be careful to approach it very carefully and sensitively also so as not to push her further away. Also, let her know that you will always be there for her so that she knows that if she chooses to leave this man she can always come back to you.

 

Furthermore, you could ask any friends or family members who she is close to also talk to her. Ask people who you know she is particularly receptive to and more likely to listen to. Likewise, if it’s possible to contact the man’s family to express your concerns then this could be an option too.

 

Ultimately, as an adult now there is less you can do to intervene in this situation, but prayer will be your best companion amongst the other things you can try.

 

May Allah reward your concern for your daughter and guide her successfully on the straight path.

My daughter (10 years old) started to ask some philosophical questions about God and the hereafter. She is wondering if God knows what every human being will do and if he is going to paradise or hell, then why did Allah put us in this test in the first place? Is He entertaining watching us doing good or bad things then He will decide who is to be punished and who is to be rewarded? She thinks Allah created Earth and human beings just as a kind of entertainment! I don't know how to explain this to her.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

At 10 years old, your daughter is now thinking differently as she experiences the world and gets more smart and philosophical in her thinking. This is a good thing and will be a good learning curve for her, but at the same time will inevitably cause her to ask questions. This can be difficult for you as her parent to answer, but at the same time is an essential part of the learning process.

 

At 10 however, she might not be mature enough to understand the more complex things, but at the same time still desires to learn about them. Therefore, at this age, it might be easier to aid her understanding of more complex matters such as the one in question through the use of metaphors that she can more readily understand. In time, she will be better able to understand it in the context that she wants to.

 

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In real terms, God is smart, we are not! If He just put everyone where they will end up, heaven or hell, wouldn’t the ones in Hell complain that they weren’t given a chance? What did they do to deserve it? They would wonder why some people have been sent to heaven and think it’s not fair. However, if they go to earth and commit sins, then Allah has the proof and can show them and tell them that this is why.

 

In this case, you might try and explain it like this.

 

Could you imagine if you were thrown into prison and were punished? It wouldn’t be nice, would it? Wouldn’t you wonder why you were there? Did you deserve it? You see people living in castles and wonder why you aren’t living in a castle. Why didn’t you get put in the castle? It’s not fair! However, if you lived the life that resulted in you ending up in prison you would no longer wonder why because you committed a crime and realize this is why you are there and the ones who did good are in castles. Explaining it in more child-friendly terms like this might make it easier for her to understand and apply.

 

Even if she is not immediately able to apply it to the real-life context, in time, as she gets older and matures, she will be able to apply this metaphor to real life and understand why Allah puts us on this earth. Explaining it in a child-friendly way and then being able to apply it as she gets older will also have the added benefit of helping her to understand Allah as being the most Just and most Merciful.

 

May Allah reward you for trying to teach your daughter about Islam. May He guide her and make her of the righteous.

 

My 7-year-old son is turning me crazy at him whenever we discuss any problem. For example, if he gets a bad score in an exam, he says it's my fault because I didn't spend enough time studying with him. If he falls down while playing, he says it's because of the shoes I bought him...etc. He never admits his mistakes and always turning it against me and I don't know how to handle it. I don't like getting angry at him but I can't help it.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It is heartbreaking to see your child suffering and difficult when they take it all out on you. On the one hand, you love him very much, but at the same time, it makes you angry that you have to bear the burden of his pain as he blames it on you.

 

Of course, it is important to support him, but at the same time he also needs to know that he cannot control you like this and must respect you.

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To help yourself psychologically manage this from one perspective, remember that as his mum, he knows that you love him unconditionally and no matter how he treats you and disrespects you, you will always be there. Whilst this is reassuring to him, you should understand that this is probably why he takes it all out on you and not others such as his friends as they are more likely to abandon him should he take it out In them as the love between them is not unconditional like between a child and his mum.

 

Hopefully, understanding it this way will make you feel less of a target as you understand the reasons behind why he takes it out on you.

 

However, this does not make his behavior acceptable. It is disrespectful. If you continue to allow him to treat you like this he will think it is ok and will continue and maybe even go on to treat others this way too. For his sake and your own, your should try and stop this behavior.

 

He needs to learn to take responsibility for his behavior and not blame it on others. You can help him with this by taking each incident as it occurs and spends time with him working through it. You can do this by discussing openly, and even writing down or drawing a diagram. Perhaps put the incident in a bubble in the middle and brainstorm reasons why this could have happened.

 

Help him to identify the mat likely reason by going through each of these possibilities and identifying reasons why or why not this could be responsible for the incident. This will help him to see mentally and/or visually what is the mat likely reason for the incident. It will further encourage flexibility in his thinking when events occur again in the future.

 

May Allah ease your difficulties and guide your son o the straight path. May He make him the coolness of your eyes.

 

Salam dear counselor. Is it normal that at the age of 27 I do not feel like having children? I am from the US married to a Middle-Easterner. He has been saying we should start having children, but I feel I have no patience for children. I feel so disturbed and frustrated when I do not sleep enough (meaning min. 7 hours), I hate when I do not have time in the weekend to do something I love and which is not an obligation on me. What will I do if I have children? It is not like cleaning, or I will do it next day because today I am too tired to do it. My husband says he will help me but obviously, I cannot depend on that. if he will be tired of work, he will not help, or if he has something like a meeting, he will not contribute. But on the other hand, I love when my family gets together. When inshallah I am going to be old, I also wish to have my loved ones around me - children and grandchildren. I do not want to be the old lady with cats. And I also know the earlier you give birth the easier it is. So I am confused. I need to decide something, I feel pressurized by my husband and the family. I fear if I keep delaying it, he will soon divorce me and I can totally understand that. What shall I do? Should every woman be a mother?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

I can reassure you that you are not the only woman who feels this way. Most women do desire to have children, but there are many who don’t too. You have stated numerous reasons why you don’t want to have children, but at the same time have some underlying desire to as you also see a future with family get-togethers of children and grandchildren.

 

Having children is life-changing and that is a daunting thought.  Things can change dramatically and your routine will change, but it also does not mean that you have to give up on the things that you usually do too. It just requires an adjustment to allow for both.

 

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Alhamdulilah, your husband says he will help and even if he will be working too, it does mean that at least you can rely on him every now and then to take care of the baby whilst you take some time for yourself. I will also reassure you that most women feel this way before having children. Firstly that they won’t be to do the things that they usually do and secondly that they simply don’t know how, but when women have children some kind of instinct takes over and they quickly learn how to manage these things effectively.

 

Obviously, at the end of the day, it is your body and your choice if you have children but do also keep in mind that your spouse who was children is entirely reliant on you to provide this for him so if he wants children needs a woman to do that for him. This may be what makes you fear he will seek divorce as if you don’t have children then he won’t be able to fulfill this desire. It is therefore recommended that you do at least sit down with him and discuss your fears.

 

It might be that you feel more comforted by sharing this with him that you feel more open to having children. It will make it easier for you to see things from his perspective and also help him to appreciate yours too.

 

At 27 time is still is on your side, but it is also limited but by no means should you feel pressured to having children if you don’t want to or are not ready to.

 

What can be useful to do, is as it seems you have already, contemplate your 2 options; have children or don’t. Think about the benefits and consequences of both. Think of this in terms of both the immediate and long-term effects.

 

Also, think about if you had children, would you regret having them? Or if you don’t,  would you regret not having children. Unfortunately, a woman is generally not able to have children beyond a certain age so you do have limited time to think about these options until the time passes. As much as you don’t feel like having children right now, it is a decision that affects your husband too and at some point in the future will be a choice you can’t make anymore as you go beyond childbearing age, so it is important that you do spend time thinking about this now. It might be that you even come to some kind of compromise that maybe you will live a year or 2 more without having children and will try after this period.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best decision that will be best for you and your husband and most pleasing to Him.

Salam dear counselor. My son is a teenager. He just told me that he was in love with a girl from his class. I do not know what to do. Shall I prohibit him or allow him to be in love with this girl? What's the right way Islamically to handle such a situation?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh

 

As a parent, you are rightfully concerned about your son’s behavior and wish to correct him in the best way according to Islam. There are a couple of things to thong about here.

 

To have fallen in love with a girl it might be assumed that he has been spending time with this girl already to have developed such strong feelings. At his age, with growing up and the influences of hormones this is easily done. However, we must make sure that he does not fall into the trap of shaytaan.

 

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It is important to make sure that any contact he does have with this girl is done within the perimeter of what is permissible in Islam, therefore this time with her should not be alone. However, any time spent with this girl, even if there are others present could lead to strengthening these feelings.

 

There are 2 primary ways to treat this situation; either encouraging marriage to this girl to make any contact halal and allow him to satisfy his desires or to warn him about the dangers of what he is doing and advise him to stay away. This will most likely depend on his exact age. If he is an older teenage then marriage may well be the better solution, but if he’s younger, then maybe he is best waiting as he may just be feeling confused and controlled by his hormones.

 

Islamically, there are no restrictions on what age he could get married so either way it is permissible Islamically, however, many countries have certain laws regarding the age permitted to get married and therefore it may be more difficult. You also need to think about his level Of maturity. We know that in Islam marriage is a highly valued thing and provides many a protection, but if he is not yet mature enough to understand this then he will have a hard time fulfilling his obligations to a wife at this point.

 

If you feel that marriage is the best option for him,  then the best first step you can make is to consult with her family about the matter. If however, you believe that marriage is not an option for your son right now, then you need to educate him about having relationships with girls.

 

So, he needs to know the reasons behind why it is not ok to be alone with other girls and why free mixing is not ok also as it can lead to the development of feeling like he has which can easily lead to haram behaviors. If this is something you can do yourself then do so, otherwise, anyone you feel he would be most receptive to, be it his dad or the local imam, should have this conversation with him.

 

The contents of discussing this with him can be strengthened by showing strong relations with Allah in the home and ensuring he is mixing with good people that will influence him positively. Crating a strong Allah fearing home will ensure that he does not behave I ways that he knows will be displeasing with Allah.

 

All of these things will be further strengthened if supported by other family members in the house too so that he feels more desire to join in and pay attnetu4to what has been said regarding the etiquette of being with girls.

 

May Allah guide your son on the straight path and grant him a righteous spouse when the time is right.