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Ask about Parenting (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
27 September, 2017

Salaam Alaikum Dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Muhammad-Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Tuesday, Sep. 26, 2017 | 06:00 - 08:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam Aleikom. Islamically, what shall I do with my 5 year old boy when he is rebellious? Should I always try explaining to him why he needs to do this or that, seeking a mutual agreement or shall I just tell him do this because I am your mother and I said so. I know the first option would be more ideal, but what if he does not want to understand and repeats the same bad act over and over? Or in the supermarket when I say no we cannot buy this, he becomes hysterical. I cannot beg him all the time to please understand, please do this. He oftentimes becomes cheeky. I believe in this case a little spanking is necessary. What od you think?



As  salamu alaykum  sister,

This is a very difficult age with children testing limits and and being egocentric.  Often times parents see a rather well behaved child turn into a little rebel at this age as the child is exposed to more and more stimuli that catches his attention.  As his focus is primarily on himself, it often turns into a battle between what your child wants and what is expected by you.    At this age, children are in the “pre-operational” stage according to Piaget, a well known  child psychologist..  According to Piaget (1), “At this stage, kids learn through pretend play but still struggle with logic and taking the point of view of other people. They also often struggle with understanding the idea of constancy”.  As stated, at this age children struggle with logic. For instance, if you say “no you cannot have that cookie at the supermarket, you already ate 3”, he does not see the logic in that answer and only wants what he desires.  He also is unable to understand your point of view, thus “begging” or “mutual agreements” will not work as he is not cognitively at that level of understanding quite yet.

While we try to explain our reasoning to our children in hopes they will understand and abide by our  rules and wishes, often it is more simple than that.  In fact is can be as simple as structure and consistency.  I would kindly suggest dear sister that you set limits by stating in simple terms what it is that you expect from him.  For instance, if he wants an item from the store tell him no and leave it at that.  If he gets upset tell him that unless he calms down you will leave.  This may be hard especially if your husband does not do the shopping with you but after a few times of being escorted out of  the store to calm down, he will insha’Allah begin to associate his negative behavior with  unpleasant results.  I remember I had that problem with my daughter when she was about his age.  Every time we went to a store I dreaded it.  She would carry on like an out of control child!   I then asked my husband to step outside with her every time she acted up and after a few times of him doing this, she started to change her behavior for the positive as she really did like shopping.

This strategy would apply to other situations as well.  If he has a playmate over and begins to act out, remove him from the situation until he can regain control.  While he may seem like a little rebel sister, he is merely testing his limits and has learned that his rebellious behavior either gets him what he wants or it gives him a lot of attention from you by your explaining, reasoning and begging.  Insha’allah when you do not feed into the negative behavior and respond with a consequence he will begin to change.

I would not recommend spanking him as it will not teach him responsibility for his actions.  However if you start replying in simple terms, remove him from situations wherein he is acting out it will insha’Allah show him that you are in control not him, and that there will be unpleasant consequences when he acts out.  This will be a learning experience for both him and you.  It will take patience and consistency on your part sister but insha’allah he will begin to restructure his behavior soon.  Your not the first parent to have this issue nor will you be the last!  We wish you the best.

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1-https://www.verywell.com/piagets-stages-of-cognitive-development-2795457

Salam Aleikom sister. How can I teach my 7 years old boy that swearing is inappropriate? He attends public school and has learned many bad words which he tends to use in public. I feel so ashamed. I explained to him many times that these words are wrong, only bad people use it. But he continues using them. Any advice?



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to us with your most important concern.  Often times as children are exposed to different lifestyles and settings when they get older they may pick up bad behaviors or habits.  Your son is hoping just experimenting and it has not become a habit yet.  I know of some people who used to swear all the time and wished they could stop.  They said it took much effort and conscious thinking on their part to cut out the bad habit.

Insha’Allah, your son is just experimenting.  As he is seven years old, he has found something that gets him attention!  While it is not good attention, it is attention nonetheless.  When our children swear, we as parents cant help but be shocked and react.  However I would kindly suggest that you sit with him and ask him if he knows swearing is bad (yes), does he know he is forbidden to swear (yes).   I would further explain that as he knows it is bad and he knows it is forbidden, you will  give him a consequence for every swear word.  Here is where you can be creative.  If he has any monies from chores, allowance etc. you can tell him you will take x amount from his money for every swear word.  If he collects marbles or a certain toy, you will take one toy/marble for each time he swears.  If playing games or watching TV is his thing, you can cut his playing time per swear word.  Insha’Allah, he will soon learn that your main reaction will be a loss of something he enjoys.

You may wish to keep a jar and put in a fold little paper for each time he swears to keep count as well as to show him a visual of all his swear words.  You can also keep count on a chalkboard or other methods if you chose.  By visualizing the number of times he swears and looses things, you can also show him how his swearing is decreasing (insha’Allah)  and give him a reward when the number reaches below a certain number.  Of course the goal is for him to stop swearing and insha’Allah by negative losses every time he swears as well as reducing the attention he receives it will pass.  You may also want to read him stories (age appropriate) about our beloved Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) and how joyful and loving his character was, to show as an example of how he might want to be-and why.

With patience and persistence sister soon your soon will outgrow this bad language.  At this age it may be just an attention seeking behavior or he might just be testing his boundaries, either way, I kindly suggest that you address his ‘potty” mouth with negative consequences as well as reward him with positive attention for stopping/decreasing his swear iA.  Your issue dear sister is a common one but can be resolved insha’Allah.  We wish you the best!

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Salam Aleikom. I am a single mother. My 14 years old son gets aggressive with me quite often. If I dare to ask him to do something such as putting his dirty clothes in the laundry, he oftentimes starts shouting at me. Last time, during a fight with him, he took the first thing he found (an empty cup) and throw it towards me. I started to be scared of my son. I don’t know how to handle him. I thought of taking him to a psychologist, but I am sure he won’t agree to it. What can I do with him? JazakAllah.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session.   I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through with your son.  Under no circumstances should he be treating you that way, it is abusive and not conducive to a peaceful home.  Sister, I would like you to think about how long he has been this way.   Has it been years and getting worse or was it a sudden change?  Do you think he is angry about a divorce, does he see his father often and if his father is in his life, can you talk to him about how your son is acting?

If his father is not in his life, is there someone else such as family who could help?  Do you have a brother, uncle or father who could intervene?  I would kindly suggest sister that you speak with family members about this or a trusted imam at your Masjid.  While I do not know what is going on with him, it is very obvious he is angry and goes into rages taking it out on you.  This cannot continue.  While he is your son and you love him , he is also almost grown, and as a young man out of control he can do much damage and harm to you.  I would kindly suggest dear sister that you sit with your son with someone else present and discuss his behavior and tell him it cannot continue and ask him how you can help him regain control as well as try to find out the source of his anger.  If he is non-compliant sister you may have to have him stay with a family member or you may have to petition the courts with a mental health advocate in order to get him in get counseling.  While this of course will make him angrier, I kindly suggest that you do not tell him a head of time, just do it.  This would mean that while he may not go for counseling immediately, you would and at that point your counselor would be able to offer you more concrete options of how to help your son get counseling as well as more importantly, how to keep yourself safe.

In this situation sister, you do not know what is going on.  It could be a mental health issue, it could be drugs, or it could be deeply rooted anger.  Insha’Allah it will be resolved but it may take some time.  I am more concerned with your safety right now.  Please do engage family or a trusted imam in this situation, insha’Allah sit with your son and express concern as well as limitations for his behaviors; give him the option to get help to restore not only himself-but yours and his relationship.  Please do insha’Allah get counseling as soon as possible sister so a counselor in your area can direct you to more appropriate resources to resolve this issue and provide a safety net for you in this abusive situation.  You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are.

Salam Aleikom. I am a new mom and I am struggling with breastfeeding. I have enough milk, but breastfeeding is so painful, I cannot bear it! Sometimes I put my milk in the nursing bottle instead of breastfeeding, but feel guilty about it as I know how it is important for a baby. What do you advise me?



As salamu alaykum

Shokran for writing to our live session.   I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with breast feeding.  While I am not sure how old your baby is or how long you have been breastfeeding or if you have breast feed in the past, painful breast can be a problem.  Painful breastfeeding his can be caused by many factors, however one main problem is latching.   Sandra Yates of Vancouver is a lactation consultant.  She says that latch problems are the most common cause of breastfeeding pain. “Breastfeeding is not supposed to hurt,” she assures mothers. “When it does, it’s usually a signal that something is wrong and we need to find a way to fix it.  When baby is latched well, the nipple goes deep into baby’s mouth, right to the back. The baby’s tongue does most of the work in getting the milk out; if the nipple is not far enough back, the tongue will rub or press on the nipple and cause pain. Engorgement can make latching difficult. A baby who has been given bottles may use bottle-feeding techniques at the breast, leading to a poor or shallow latch.” (1).   Sister perhaps you are having a problem with you baby latching on correctly.  Please do consult with your doctor or midwife about the issues you are having.  They will be able to better assess your breastfeeding techniques to see if there are any problems with latching or other area’s which may be responsible for the pain.  Your doctor should also examine your breasts to ensure there is nothing else that can be causing pain such as cracked nipples, engorgement, etc.  If there is a lactation specialist in your area, please seek out her help.

While some women do adjust to breastfeeding with little problems, others experience painful breasts as you are describing.  It is natural to not want to be in pain sister.  Please do continue to put your milk into the bottle until you can see your doctor and hopefully a lactation specialist insha’Allah.  Your milk is the best for your baby .  Additionally, give your baby extra snuggling time with skin to skin contact after your baby is finishing eating.  This will help continue with the bonding process.  Please don’t feel guilty!  You are doing a wonderful job as a new mom, but you are one of the mom’s who has painful breasts during breastfeeding.  Please do consult with your doctor as well as a lactation specialist and insha’Allah you will over come the pain with a little help.  Also, if there are family members who breast feed or sisters at your Masjid whom you are close to, ask them for their advice.  As women we love sharing our experiences, offering help or comfort to a fellow mom who is experiencing issues.   Please do reach out to your sisters as well.   Insha’Allah this will be resolved sister, it is a common problem and usually easily corrected.  We wish you and your new baby the best!

1-https://www.todaysparent.com/baby/breastfeeding/ouch-how-to-deal-with-painful-breastfeeding/

My son is almost 3-year-old, we are having a hard time dealing with screen time. My husband normally gives him 30 minutes on the tablet to watch Youtube videos. But now he is becoming very demanding of screen time and will throw a huge fit. What is a good way of dealing with that? Also, mealtime is challenging as well. He just refuses to eat his food or will take two bites and say I'm not hungry and won't eat anything. How can I help him eat his meals? Thank you



as salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  It is great that your son is having quality time with his  dad watching you tubes and I’m sure the you tube content is fun and educational.  However as with all things fun and entertaining often time children can demand more time doing an enjoyable thing.  At 3 years old, your child is exploring the world around him.  He is also testing boundries and counts on you and your husband to set these boundries no matter what his behavioral or emotional reactions are (throwing a tantrum).  At this age your son is unable to regulate himself nor understand the concepts of logic or responsiblity.  As his parents when you set his time limit at 30 minutues, insha’Allah keep it at 30 minutes no matter what his response is.

Children quickly learn that  people like to avoid negative behavior or situations and as parents we may ‘give in” in order to avoid a scene, in order to keep peace in the home or to just keep our children calm and happy.  However I would kindly suggest  that you stick to your schedule despite his tantrums and maintain consistency with him concerning this.   In the long run you will be teaching your son that his negative behaviors will not be rewarded, that in life there are rules to follow as well as boundries.  As parents you will be setting up a home with a solid foundation of  values that your child can respect as he grows.  After all, what child feels secure in an environment with no structure or rules to follow?  Children do protest and get upset when we as parents adhere to our rules however in the long run they look to us to help them self-regulate as well as provide balance and consistency.  Insha’Allah sister, with patience and time your son will realize that his tantrums will not get him more screen time and he will outgrow these behaviors as they will provide no benefit to him.

As far as his eating, insha’Allah just ensure he is not excessively snacking between meals.  Children refusing to eat at meal time is common and is no cause for alarm unless there is a physical reason which I doubt.  At this age it is his way of excerting his independence! Often times a child will eat everday like clockwork.  Then sudenly not want to eat at all.  A favorite food today can be disliked food tomorrow.  Toddlers are very picky eaters and often are offended by texture, color, shape etc.  Try to have him help you prepare simple foods with you.  This may pique his interest.  Offer a variety of healthy choices at meal time and when serving his food to him, cut them into interestuing shapes or arrangements.  At the end of the day however, your child is going through a phase, much like the screen time in which he is trying to excert his independence and choices.  Food is really the only thing he actually has control over as he cannot be forced to eat.  Please do not worry however, he will not starve!  Your son will eat when he is hungry 🙂

 

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You are a really good parent and doing a great job with your son.  Your concern is eveident in your questions and it is completely natural.  Your son sounds like a normal and active 3 year old who is trying to excert his independence.  Insha’Allah stick to your rules and boundries with him and he will pass through this phase just fine.  We wish you the best.

 

My daughter is 20 years old. She's has been wearing the hijab since she was 5. Recently after she graduated from polytechnic, she started to go out without her hijab. She said she doesn't want to wear it because she didn't want to wear it in the beginning. She felt she was asked to. She also has stopped performing her daily prayers. I've repeatedly mentioned her obligations to perform solat and complimented her when wearing hijab. As months goes by, she is now doing things a Muslim girl not supposed to do. She mixed around with wrong company, smoke, drinking (I think) and went out with a guy till 12am. I shared with her the side effects of smoking. I don't know how else to tell her and to disapprove of her going out with guys. Please help me. I might not be a supermom to her but I've always doa for my chidlren. She has an older brother and a younger sister.



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session sister.  You sound like a wonderful mom and your daughter is blessed to have you.  I hear your concern dear sister and feel your painj over the situation.  Sadly at this point there is not much you can do except keep the doors of communication open for her.  Often times when our children grow up and experience new things in life, they change.  Most of the time the change is only temporary and the child/adult returns to the foundations in which  they were taught concerning such as morals, values and religious obligations.  At this point in your daughters life, she may feel she is finding herself or redefining herself.  She may be experimentinmg with her identity and definetly her values.  Insha’Allah she will not make this a lifestyle and she will return to the path of Islam without too much harm being done..

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you try to be more of a friend now than ‘mom”. You have already taught her Islam, morals, values, ettiquette as well as gave her an education.  You provided her with a wonderful homelife and she was raised Islamically alhumdulilah.  Now it is time to take a different position.  I know that’s hard but as the stages for how we as parents deal with our children is clealy outlined Islamically and at this age we can be more of a benefit in the role of friend.  Of course you will always be mom to her but what she may need right now is a really good friend to confide in who does have her best interests at heart..

Perhaps try to spend more time with her going out for lunch, a walk in the park, whatever she and you would enjoy doing together.  While you want to try to guide her Islamically right now, the important thing is to gain her trust and her confidence.  In this way she may open up to you about  things she is thinking about, worries, future plans and even why her sudden change.  It may come slow sister, but  insha’Allah she will come to view you as her best friend and you may have the influence to help guide her back to the right path.  By taking this calmer approach, you are showing her that while you do disapprove of her current choices, you are still there for her and do respect her as an independent women who can and does make her own decisions.  While some of her decisions right now are not good ones, insha’Allah try to find some good points and focus on these.  These will be the points insha’Allah that you both can share with happiness and thus move you both forward in correcting some of the ones that are not Islamic.  You need to start somewhere and by focusing on her positive choices you may insha’Allah help her see how her other choices hurt her.  When trying to correct a wrong in someone, it is best to begin with positives, that way the person who is in need of guidence will be open insha’Allah as you see a good thing in them.  Again, as your role of friend sister may be a difficult one as you are her mother, please do rely upon Allah for strength and mercy.  Make duaa that he guide you in helping your daughter and that He guide your daughter back to the right path.

Insha’Allah this is a passing phase dear sister.  A painful one not only for you, but I think for her as well.  Deep down inside she knows insha’Allah that she is going against her very own nature, and insha’Allah she will soon realize that she slipped-like we all do in this life, and she will return to the practicing pious daughter that you raised.  You are in our prayers, please let us know how she is doing.

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