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Ask the Marriage Counselor (Counseling Session)

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
25 March, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

Thank you for submitting your questions. We sincerely hope you found our counselor’s answers beneficial.

If you have any question you have never dared to ask, related to mental health, relationships, marriage, or parenting, feel free to send it to [email protected]

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Tuesday, Mar. 28, 2017 | 09:00 - 11:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-Salamu Alaikum. My brother has become an atheist 3 months ago. He is not offering prayers; he didn’t even attend Eid al-Fitr prayer last year. This is very shocking for me and my family. In our society, my family is known as very religious & good. Sometimes, I think this is a black magic which is affecting my brother or maybe he is depressed. I don't know how to handle this situation. Because of my brother, everyone rejects my marriage proposal. His bad actions affect the whole family. Please help me what to do.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

Thank you for asking your question. The belief that your brother’s beliefs and actions reflect the quality of your whole family is a cultural (mis)belief. Islam does not teach this.

The strongest proof that this idea is false is found in the story of the Prophet Yusuf (as); he had a dozen brothers who were so evil that they tried to murder him out of jealousy, yet Yusuf was the most desirable bachelor of his time!

Furthermore, in the time of the Prophet (saw), most of the people who converted to Islam did not have siblings, parents, or even spouses who converted with them.

Even identical twins are different!

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So, clearly, a Muslim is not supposed to base his/her assessment of anyone else’s human values on that person’s relatives, their beliefs or behaviors. The practice of shaming the whole family when one member of the family is wayward comes from jahiliyyah (beliefs based on non-divine sources).

Recognizing that you cannot change your country’s culture, the best way to contradict a cultural wrong is to prove it wrong for those you often interact with by using quotes from authentic Islamic knowledge. They need to hear it from what the Prophet (saw) said exactly instead of just you saying, “I heard (such and such) is wrong”. You can ask the scholars on this website to give you more proofs. Keep them handy, in your purse or somewhere, so you can show them to people when they say false things like this.

The other thing within your power is your choice of who you want to marry. If someone is so ignorant of Islam that they project onto your family and you bad behavior because of your brother’s beliefs, then you probably should not marry that person anyway.

It might help to look at this problem from the positive point of view: this is a test from Allah (swt) and all tests are blessings in disguise. Remaining patient at times of hardship is the way we please Allah (swt), and pleasing Allah (swt) is the way we get to Jennah, by the mercy of Allah (swt). In addition, this struggle gives you the opportunity to fight in the cause of Allah (swt) – to stand up for Islam in the face of social wrong and make da’wah, calling Muslims to the right path, in sha’ Allah.

In regards to your brother’s atheism, don’t fret—yet. As the saying goes, “as long as there is life, there is hope”. Be comforted by the fact that we all go through changes as we go through the stages in our individual lives. Many atheists have become Muslims. Your brother might just need to find his own way—hopefully, back to Islam.

Even our Prophet (saw) and his companions went through different stages in their lives and development of Islam. At first, they were not Muslims. Our Rasul (saw) was not a prophet; he become a prophet at the age of 40. Prayer in the form of salah was not revealed until the 10th year of the Revelation. The order of prohibiting alcohol came a few years after the Hijrah. So, you see, the path to Allah (swt) is a gradual path, so be patient with him.

I don’t know the reasons for your brother’s atheism, so I don’t know if it is just a stage that he is in in terms of his process of discovery on a path to belief in Allah (swt). But being non-judgmental with him will keep the doors of discussion and enlightenment open with him. If he is sincerely searching for the truth, if his search is through atheism, then Allah (swt) will, In Sha’ Allah, guide him to Himself (swt). Shaitan can never defeat Allah’s servants no matter where they are on their path to Allah (swt).

Lastly, black magic is very real, so it is possible that it is an explanation for any spiritual problem. However, whether it is involved or not, the bottom line is: Shaitan went to war with Allah (swt) by refusing to obey Him before he went to war with us. Since Allah (swt) will never let Shaitan defeat Him, on The Day of Judgment, in Sha’ Allah, all of Shaitan’s handiwork will be for naught. This means that when Shaitan defeats us (to prove to himself that he is better than us), the only time he would succeed is when we don’t repent and don’t recognize that we made a mistake because we are too arrogant to admit our fault.

In other words, if we become Shaitans too, then we hang our own selves. Allah (swt), by definition, is Merciful and Forgiving. If we repent and ask for forgiveness, we can be forgiven for the things Shaitan deceived us into. However, if instead we take up Shaitan’s work and fight for his causes and join his ranks becoming his friend, then we are in serious trouble with Allah (swt). When we disobey Allah (swt) out of pride, just like Shaitan has done, that is the real sin.

Again, I don’t know your brother’s reason(s) for his atheism, but give him time to sort out his feelings. I have a relative who became atheist, but as soon as she started down that path and felt its darkness and evil, she turned back to God because “it wasn’t her”. Give him time to figure out how far down that path he can go before it does not feel right to him.

Never give up on him. Don’t ever give up on anyone. Abu-Safwan fought the Prophet (saw) to the end, but became Muslim later. It took 23 years for him! So, never give up on anyone. Just keep praying for him and giving him information relevant to where he is in his struggle at the moment. Don’t just say, “This is wrong”; explain things and remember that our beliefs are a phenomenon that is in the power of Allah (swt) alone, just like our breath!

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!

As-Salamu Aleikum. I am having a serious problem. I have a bad habit of thinking of sins and that something bad should happen to myself or my family. I feel this bad thinking will come true soon. I fight with myself not to think of these stuffs, but I always fail and my inner evil wins. Sometimes, I pray to Allah for evil things. Please help me to come out of it. JazakAllah!



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

As strange as it may sound to you, this can be viewed as a blessing in disguise – because Allah (swt) tests the most those He (swt) loves the most. So, if you could view this as an opportunity to serve Allah (swt) through passing this test, i.e., struggling against the Shaitan and through hardships, you may be able to appreciate it in a different light.

What concerns me most is what you said “…I always fail and my inner evil wins”. What do you mean by that? Have you committed very serious sins? If you have, then the cure for every sin is repentance—and reformation. Repentance alone is great, but you also have to change and stop doing the bad behavior.

The best way to avoid sinning is to understand why the sin is a sin – what it does that takes you in the wrong direction. The rules of Allah (swt) are for us, not for Allah (swt) who is free of any need. When we understand this, it makes it easier for us to obey Allah (swt) because we recognize that we are just obeying the true nature in which we were created. It makes us feel whole and sane.

Now, of course, we have desires that make us feel we want something that is not good for us. This is a challenge in life. To figure out how to counteract our desires that make us want to disobey Allah (swt), we have to use our mind, not just follow our feelings. We have to think about the whole equation of life – including this life we currently live in as well as the Hereafter. When you do that, you can see the Hell Fire and the reward of the believers, Paradise, and that can really make a difference. This is what unbelievers—and Muslims with weak faith—fail to see in their evaluation of what life is.

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Another problem we face is that our desires have two sources: one is from our true nature, the other is Shaitan. Our true nature, the ruh, desires things that are good and healthy; things that we need and want. Shaitan, on the other hand, whispers into our hearts. Shaitan does not only whisper into our minds with words of argument, but whispers into our feelings. And our feelings drive everything, even logic (just think about the common expressions such as “it feels right” or “it makes sense”). So, his trick is very sly.

He also uses truth to get in and then misdirects you in the wrong direction. For example, it’s part of human nature that we need love, but he uses this against us to “guide” us into bad choices. This can happen to anyone. But these bad choices are important ways in which we can learn – if we learn from our mistakes. We learn that hot is hot by touching it. We learn how not to spill milk by spilling it. That is why Allah (swt) loves those who repent again and again—because when we realize we did something wrong and learn from our mistakes, we develop ourselves to become better Muslims.

So, don’t worry; Shaitan whispers to everyone. He works on all of us, and he works the hardest on those who are the hardest to sway, obviously. People who are already off the path don’t need him to get them off the path.

So, bottom line: ask Allah (swt) to guide you and help you! Allah (swt) does not ignore the person who asks for His guidance—He (swt) promises to guide you if and when you ask for guidance!

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!

Dear counselor. I’m from a country in Central-Europe. I got engaged to a nice man from Egypt. We had plans to get married this summer, however due to financial difficulties (mostly in my end) it seems we won’t be able to. We both are students (he is taking his first degree course and I’m taking master degree course), thus we are not able to take any job due to our busy class schedule. We wanted that he moves to my country for some time, but then my mother refused to give us accommodation until my fiancé gets a job or we could leave to another country for a better paid job. Also, so far my mother has been against our marriage due to age difference (I’ll soon be 27 and he will be 21 in sha’ Allah) and cultural difference (which to me isn’t a problem since I’m eager to adapt to my fiancée’s culture as long as it is in ease with Islamic teachings, especially if we would like to move to his country in sha’ Allah). We just wanted to spend some time in my country so my family could meet him and then move to another European country to gain some money, and then move to Egypt. My mother is not a Muslim and I’m about to revert to this beautiful religion in sha’ Allah. My mother told me I could marry him if I wish, however, since our plan hasn’t worked out, we started having doubts about our relationship. I asked my fiancée if we could live with his parents (since we wanted to live in Egypt anyway), but he refused and said he would like to stay in Egypt too, but we don’t have a place to live there and we cannot afford any apartment. He also said we couldn’t stay at his parent's house since he shares a room with his two brothers. Also, my fiancé’s parents accepted me at first and that he would stay away from his country for a few years and gave him some money to start with, but since my mother refused us to live with her, they started having doubts too and suggested him to forget about the marriage. I asked him to let me talk to his parents on the internet so that maybe they would have some advices how we could deal with this situation as I would value their input and life experience very much, but my fiancé refused to let me talk to them. We are still in touch and want to keep our promise we made to each other that we would get married, and we don’t want to break this if the only reason would be money. But now we don’t know what to do and when we could possibly get married. We’re very disappointed and cannot see a way out. I tried to cheer him up, but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Can you give me some suggestions on how to cope with this situation or what actions we can then take? Jazak Allah Khair.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

First of all, welcome to Islam!

It is always difficult to have a cross-cultural relationship. You are getting a taste of the problems with it even before you have married into it. This might be a blessing for you because it can help you decide ahead of time if this is what you want to go through in your marriage.

That said, I do not think that you should decide on marrying him based on your or his family’s ideas about how you feel about someone. I think people should decide for themselves who they should marry based on their own feelings about that person—with their parent’s permission, of course, and also with respect for their parents’ ideas and concerns. But our parents cannot feel what we feel when we love someone or have a connection with them. They have no way of judging that part of our world.

One of my teachers of psychology said that every relationship is a cross-cultural relationship. I found that to be a very wise statement because it points to a very important point: all people are different, so no matter who you marry, you are going to have to figure out how to deal with your differences. When the couple alone has to do that, it is enough to deal with. When the parents get in the mix, it can make everything so much worse. Much of this “getting in the mix” is cultural and not part of the teachings of Islam—which is a whole other problem.

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I think you need to really ask yourself how you feel about this man. Maybe writing a list of the pros and cons of marrying him would help you make this big decision.

Do you feel that he is the only man for you? If you do, then I say, bite the bullet and go forward and deal with all these family issues. However, if you are not sure about that, figure that out first. If he is, then you will have the devotion and subsequent strength it takes to deal with all these family problems and interference. If he is not, your heart won’t be in it and your families will be able to sway you back and forth.

He too needs to figure out the answer to that question—and you need to know his answer. If he is also strong in his belief in your marriage, then together you can weather this storm, with Allah’s help. But if his devotion is mediocre, that is not going to work.

Now, if you decide to go ahead with the marriage, sorting out culture from Islam is a big problem that many Muslim faces, especially Muslims who were born into Islam and who live in Muslim-majority countries like Egypt. To new Muslims, this is usually a big shocker. So much of what people do in Muslim countries has nothing to do with Islam such as the prohibition of driving for women in Saudi Arabia or arranged/forced marriages in India, Pakistan, etc.

Beyond these cultural-family problems, you have financial problems too as you both need to finish school. But if you both feel that you have to be with each other, then I would suggest getting married so that you can talk freely with each other over the phone (in your long distance relationship) without having to worry about what you say.

However, that said, you have a lot to learn since you have entered your new religion. Maybe you should wait six months or a year to get your bearings in your new religion first and then see how you feel about him. Maybe you will discover that he is not as religious as you are, or vice versa. Or maybe it will bring you two closer together. Whichever way it goes, I would give it a chance to sort itself out before marriage, in Sha’ Allah.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you.

Salam,

I am getting older but not married and it is not because I am choosy but men just don’t come my way. I have always dreamt of having my own baby, but looking at my current situation I do not think I will ever get married. Is it permissible in Islam to undergo artificial insemination? Please advice.



Salam ‘Aleikom,

As a woman myself, I recognize fully the force and significance of a woman’s desire to have a baby. I am sorry to hear of your struggle with getting married. May Allah (swt) help you to survive this test!

I am also sorry that you have not been able to find a husband. Have you tried finding him on the internet? In the old days, the internet was dangerous. However, now, it is standard procedure for people to look on the internet for a partner in life. There are several Muslim matrimonial sites that provide a halal way to find your spouse, in sha’ Allah such as Half Our Deen.

I am sorry to tell you, but artificial insemination outside of marriage is unlawful in Islam. With a sperm that is not from your husband, it is unlawful in Islam.

Have you thought of adoption? I would recommend thinking about that, in Sha’ Allah. It often takes a long time and is a demanding process, but there are lots of babies out there needing to be adopted. Especially now with the Syrian crisis, there are so many orphans from parents who were killed in the war. The orphanages are full and overflowing beyond their capacity.

In addition, have you asked anyone who you are close to, who you can trust, and who would tell you the truth about yourself what they think it is about you that makes men “don’t come your way”? Maybe you can change that thing—whatever it is. Maybe you can’t change it, but you can change your attitude about it. I had a friend once who was actually ugly to me—so ugly that it was hard for me to look at her without thinking how ugly she was. But, miraculously, she had men chasing her. Why? Because she had so much self-confidence about herself that she was a very charismatic, gregarious person. I used to marvel at that and tell myself: “see that; it proves that self-confidence is a really powerful love potion”.

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Now, I am not suggesting that your looks is the problem. What I am suggesting only is that whatever the problem is, it may be solvable with a change in attitude—if you can’t change the thing itself (such as that you talk too much or too little).

Whatever you do, never forget that the next life is forever. You can trust Allah’s (swt) word that He (swt) will, In Sha’ Allah, relieve all suffering in Jennah. He (swt) promises that you will have whatever you desire there. So work hard to pass this test and get to the reward in the next life —by the mercy of Allah (swt).

Also, you can look at the bright side: we need women to be doctors, teachers … etc. for our women. So, when some of us don’t have babies, it frees those people to become doctors (or pursue other important profession) for the rest of us so that we don’t have to see male doctors. If you can’t become a doctor, per se, maybe you could be a nurse or some other caregiver that we need it to be women. I used to teach driving, for example, and I had so many customers because Muslim women did not want to be alone in the car with a male teacher.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!

AsSalaamu'Alaikum sister, my husband and I have been married for almost 30years. We've been having problems for the past 15years or so. Back in Ramadhan 2014, he divorced me and took me back after before my 'iddah period was over. I thought maybe he'd like to work things out but nothing has changed. We fight all the time. We hardly communicate without getting into a fight and we haven't had intercourse for more than 2 years. When I brought it up, he said he can't make love with me because he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Any time we fight he says we need to end this marriage. He abuses me mentally and emotionally with hurtful words and he belittles me. I feel lonely, and I feel there is no marriage only on paper. I'm confused and don't know what to do. I'm still staying in this marriage for the sake of my 2 younger children ages 12 & 14. But, I feel bad because they're not seeing a good example of a loving marriage. Please advise what would be the best thing for me to do and what is the ruling in Islam when my husband neglects my sexual needs for more than 2 years. Are we still consider married? Jazzakallaah Khair.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

My dear sister in Islam, may Allah (swt) reward you for staying in this marriage for the sake of your children! May Allah (swt) reward you for all you have suffered for their sake and the sake of Allah (swt).

I am of the opinion that it would be better for your children if you got a divorce – of course, after you have tried everything, such as marriage counseling, and you still feel this marriage cannot be repaired. But do not stay in an unhealthy and abusive marriage.

I had a client once who did not divorce for the sake of the children and the children told me: “What good did it do for us to see them fighting all the time and our mother crying and screaming at him all the time; how was that good for us?”

The other reason I think you should get a divorce is because he abuses you verbally and emotionally. Metaphysical harm often does greater harm than physical harm does, and when they are combined, that is the greatest harm.

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You also have the right to a sexual life; it is part of what marriage is for. You can have a friendship with your female and male family members and your female friends; you don’t need a husband for that. What you need a husband for is real intimacy—the deep and personal part of your being. We don’t even share that with our own mothers!

Yes, you are still married! But please double check this issue with the scholars of our website. From my understanding, you are still married even if you are not having sexual relations.

My dear sister in Islam, you have to right to be respected, loved, and cherished. This is why Allah (swt) created the institution of marriage. But from what you have told us, it seems your husband does none of that.

Your children need their mother to be there for them. If you are suffering, you cannot devote to them the kind of attention they need.

It is also important for you to consider that many times children from unhappy marriages have unhappy marriages themselves. This is a strange phenomenon but it comes from your role modeling. When children are surrounded by fighting all the time, that is what they learn—as much as they may hate it, it still “imprints” on them. As they don’t have another example to learn from, they repeat it. They may have heard of another way or seen it on TV or in their friends’ homes, but they learn from their experience of life, not from a book or TV or from seeing someone else doing it.

If you were out from under his abuse, you could flourish and grow. People don’t grow from hatred; they grow from love. So, get away from his poisonous words and attitude towards you and begin to see the light of life and enjoy the exploration and discovery that life has to offer, In Sha’ Allah.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you, In Sha’ Allah!