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Ask the Marriage Counselor (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
04 June, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the questions and answers.

The service is completely anonymous!

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Thursday, Jun. 07, 2018 | 11:00 - 12:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam. I want to ask a question about anxiety which I have for the past 10 years. My question is, how to deal with elevated heart rate and shaking during confrontations and in any aggressive situations? Is there any Islamic way to or practice which I do to get over it. I mean there must an Islamic way or reference of hadiths or saints saying which i can apply to curb my anxiety.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Anxiety is a very common problem experienced by many so firstly, be assured that you are not alone.

 

There are many support groups available too which can be very useful to get tips from others in the same situation as well as for you to not feel like you are suffering alone which in itself can heighten the anxiety.

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From an Islamic perspective, there are many authentic duas available online if you search on sunnah.com that specifically ask Allah for protection from anxiety. You can integrate these into your daily life, perhaps saying them after every prayer. This will help you to also feel confident that Allah is on your side in helping you to overcome this problem. This, as well as maintaining acts of worship and finding comfort in remembrance of Allah through dhikr or reading the Qur’an.

 

The fact that you recognize your symptoms will be very useful in managing your anxiety. You can learn various relaxation strategies, such as deep breathing and meditation that will help you with these symptoms and make you feel calmer. This will have the added benefit of being good for your health as well as being confident that you have the tools to deal with the physical side of anxiety when it arises.

 

Furthermore, from a psychological perspective, taking time to keep a diary of times when you feel anxious will help you to pinpoint what exactly is making you feel anxious. This way you will know which situations cause you the most anxiety and can either avoid them if possible, modify them to make them less anxiety-provoking, or refine skills that will enable you to deal with anxiety when it arises. This confidence in fully understanding your anxiety will make it a lot easier to manage in sha Allah.

 

In the worst case scenario, if none of these work, there are also medications available that can help to deal with some of the side effects whilst you develop the skills to manage them yourself. If you feel this is necessary, then you can visit your doctor to discuss this. He may also be able to direct you to psychological therapy to assist you more Ling term also as a support to the medication.

 

May Allah bring you ease and reduce your anxiety.

I am dating with Australian guy atheist for 3 years. We decided to get married, and at first he promised me to learn about islam. However, recently when we are going to marriage stage, he said he cant accept Islam. But still want to get married. How can I convince him about islam. He said that islam is not a true religion. and the more he read about islam, he become more dislike about islam. what should i do..?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh

 
As I’m sure you are aware, in Islam it is not ok for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man. This is because any children are born out of this marriage will take in the religion f the father. It is therefore very important for the Deen that you do marry a Muslim man.

 
As I’m sure you are also aware dating is not ok in Islam also, however, it looks like you want to make this relationship halal by getting married. The dilemma here is that you are trying to convince him about Islam so that you can make this possible. This could be difficult given you say he has not been receptive to this as of yet.

 
As contact between you, one on one at this point is not recommended as you are not married, I would recommend asking a person of knowledge or experience in giving dawah speak to him. This way you can be sure that he is getting all the correct information who is experienced in trying to convince those who don’t believe of the truth.
If he is not willing to talk to anyone at this point, you could direct him to the many lectures available online that focus on giving dawah. Alternatively, you could sign him up for an online course on Islamic Studies. There are many available online. This will educate him about exactly what Islam is and may make him more open to talking face to face with someone son that he may ask questions directly to someone.

 
Another thing you could try is asking other brothers that you know, perhaps through a friends husband or so to speak to him directly too. Being casually in the company of other brothers may serve to open his heart to Islam in a more gentle way without being too pushy. He will be able to see that Muslims are the same as everyone else and practice good manners whilst also seeing how their practices are integrated into their daily lives.
In the meantime, continue to make du’a for him, that Allah will guide him in the straight path.

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Perhaps you might mentally give him a certain amount of time to at least become more comfortable in Islam before deciding if this marriage is really worth pursuing. Having a rough end date insight will help to keep you from hanging on to something that might potentially not work if he still remains hard-hearted about Islam. Alternatively, you may see him progress and start to learn more about Islam. Either way, I would strongly advise that you hold off contact with him in the meantime to avoid falling into sin, yet still be indirectly working with him to educate him on Islam through others.

 
May Allah guide him aright and may He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

I am a young boy who has a number of moles on his face. Please don’t tell me not to be ashamed of them because no matter how much one tells me, I will always be ashamed. Further on, I pray to Allah daily to remove them so that I can feel good about myself and I can make my dunya and the end good as in a way when I feel good about myself I will engage in more good activities, Please kindly pray for me! I see so many people with clear skin and I feel so bad I want it too.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Very often we do become concerned about our physical appearance and there is a multitude of reasons why. Primarily, unfortunately, people tend to jump to conclusions about someone’s personality based on how they look. There tends to be the unfortunate assumption that beautiful looking people are beautiful on the inside. This is an assumption that is far from true, but it justifies the way you feel as you know yourself that regardless of how wrong it is, people do judge others by their appearance.

 

You have requested not to tell you to not be ashamed of your facial moles, but in fact, it is not even necessary to say this. Instead, we can focus on the positives, that will, in turn, help you to feel good about yourself regardless of how you look.

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First, begin with taking away the preoccupation with your physical appearance. Think about your good qualities. What are your positive traits? What are you good at? You can still be good at sports, for example, achieve good things and feel good about yourself for this regardless of your appearance. Or, you might be a very generous person who always helps a person in need, for example. This is a positive thing,  something to feel good an out yourself for. Especially regarding this last thing,  remember that these are the qualities that Allah will judge you on. You might be granted paradise for being a kind person, but you won’t be granted for being unkind, but handsome. When you think of these things, ask yourself what’s me important? Does your appearance really matter that much in the eyes of Allah? In fact, it can even be a protection from negative traits. Being attractive can sometimes even cause people to be arrogant. This is a dislike trait that won’t be judged favorably by Allah. In this sense, you might even view your appearance as a blessing, it just requires a little deeper thought.

 

Additionally, you can look for alternative ways to feel good about yourself. It is not necessary to focus only on the way you look, but instead on what you are good at. Thinking about the things you are good at, be it sport, or a more academic activity, focus on this, set goals for yourself and seek to achieve them. Grow in this field and relish the successes you achieve along the way. This takes the focus away from feeling like success is a direct result of your appearance, to a more rational and realistic idea of success. It will also support you in feeling good about yourself in other ways as you achieve things within your field of expertise.

 

Finally, as much as there may be times where you will feel that people frown upon you for your appearance or discriminate against you for it, and perhaps they are, but you can use this for your benefit. You can be confident that people you are friends with, those that support you are doing so because they like you for who you are as a person. They are not judging you based solely on your appearance. You can be surer that you have good friends and good people around you of this is the case. Friends that will be loyal and non-judgemental. These types of friends are good to have and are those you can rely on.

 

So, as you can see, it’s not even necessary to tell you not to be ashamed of your appearance because there are many positive ways in which to see and use the situation for your benefit that will support you in feeling good about yourself. As you say yourself, feeling good about yourself like this will encourage you to further engage in positive activities that will increase your confidence and make you feel even better about yourself.

 

May Allah bring you happiness,  contentment, and success in this life and the next.

Salam Alaikum. Dear counselor. I'm in a tough situation and I was wondering what I should do. I've been talking to a sister for a while now whom I'm eager to marry. I spoke with her father and he seemed as though he was up for it as well. Mashallah she's well-mannered with morals and etiquettes which Is something I really admire And I’m satisfied with her deen. But the problem is, I don’t think my mother will accept her simply because she's from a different ethnic group. I've told her that the Islam in someone is what's more important but she tells me I can only marry someone from our tribe and no one else. I just don’t want to throw everything away. Please advise me. Jazakallah Khayran



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Masha Allah, this does almost seem like an ideal situation. You are eager to marry and have found someone who you feel is the perfect match. Alhamdulilah, you have sought her hand in marriage in the appropriate way by approaching her mahram first and seeking his approval and this has been positive. However, since she is from a different tribe you fear you will not have the support in pursuing this marriage from your family’s side. There are a few steps you can take however to.make this situation easier in sha Allah.

 

As you are aware, the most important thing is not what tribe a person is from, but their taqwa. A person with taqwa will be a good spouse regardless of what tribe they come from. There is wisdom behind why it is so explicitly stated in Islam that the tribe in which a person belongs to is irrelevant, but their Deen is. Someone who fears Allah will treat you well and fulfill their obligations as a spouse for the sake of pleasing Allah. This paves the way for a successful marriage. Your parents need to understand that this is what will bring you happiness in the future, not what tribe she is from. If you are comfortable to bring this to them yourself, then go ahead and make this very clear.

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Alternatively, if you don’t feel that your words will hold any gravity in them, you could take someone al g who can support you. Perhaps even your local imam might be a good idea as he will be able to support you with Islamic evidence for this also. It will also show them that you are serious about this marriage and that you have the support of a respected person within the community.

 

Another thing you can do is arrange a meeting between the 2 families. This gives you parents, as well as hers the chance to see each other and eschew any negative feelings towards other cultures.  They will have the opportunity to see their good points, to see that the woman you wish to marry is a good woman who will make you happy regardless of what tribe she is from. Meeting her with her family too will also strengthen the fact that you are serious about this as well as providing the perfect opportunity to get to know about her and her family and be able to judge them for who they are rather than the tribe they are from. It promotes improved relations between the 2 tribes.

 

All this while, continue to pray to Allah to soften their hearts towards the situation and ask Allah to guide you in how best to facilitate this to make it an easier and smooth process.

 

May Allah soften the hearts of your parents and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

 

Alsalam alaykoum, I am 19 and have been engaged for 2 and a half years now. My fiance doesn't live in the same country as me so we recently have done a nikkah so I would be able to go to his country.I have only met up once with my fiance and this was when he first proposed to me. I didn't like him then and I still don't. I have never felt comfortable, I always thought that it was due to me being engaged at a young age but now that I'm older I don't think so anymore.He seemed like a nice generous guy. I asked him about whether or not he drinks and he said that he doesn't so he seemed perfect except for his anger issues.He went back to the country he's currently living in after and we continued to talk on the phone. All this time I still didn't feel comfortable with him but the people that know him said that he is a very nice well-mannered man and that I was lucky to have him. I thought that I was just being immature.After a few months of talking he completely ignored me for a whole month. When he called back he acted as if nothing happened. I tried to ask him why he has done that and he said to not talk about it because he doesn't want to and that I should be more romantic with him. I was young and have never been in a relationship so I had no clue what to do.A bit after that he told me that he drinks and that I shouldn't tell my parents about this because this is our relationship and they shouldn't know things like this. I was so scared of not pleasing him so I pretended I was fine with it. That was a big mistake.We continued to talk and I just couldn't open up to this man no matter how hard I tried. The drinking was really bothering me as well. So I mentioned it to him again and he got really angry, he started to call me names and he said I'm only looking for trouble. He also told me that he wasn't going to stop.I didn't want to make the same mistake as last time so I told my parents. They didn't react the same way I thought they would, they said most Muslim men drink and that I shouldn't be annoying my fiance about it! I was so surprised. I felt all alone, I felt like I was making a big deal out of nothing.Then he ignored me for 3 months, this was around the time of the nikkah. His dad traveled to our home country to meet up with my uncle so they can do the nikkah. I put my foot down and told my parents that I wasn't going to marry a man like him and they finally agreed with me but they were still hesitant because they were scared that I wouldn't get married due to me being engaged for so long.My fiance finally called and when I answered I put it on speaker so my parents could listen in. He said that he would treat me really well, that I would be able to study and work. He said what else could I ask for? He also said that inshallah he would stop drinking and that I don't know the future.My parents fell for this and told me to go ahead with the nikkah. Again, I thought I would listen to them because they are older and they want the best for me.I was visibly upset for a while and I just couldn't trust that he would stop drinking. I asked him about it again after a few months and he reacted in the same way as before and said that he didn't lie to me in the beginning, which means that what he said to me before the nikkah was a lie. This time he also said that were not fully married (as in we haven't had a proper wedding and we don't live together) so if I don't like it then I should just leave. I told this to my mum and she was angry at me for asking about him drinking. Yet again he stopped calling.I don't want to marry this man. I don't want to move to a country where I know no one else but him. However, I'm scared that I'll be leaving a good man and I have set my standards too high. Do most Muslim men really drink? I'm scared that I'll never find any one to marry me because there isn't a lot of Muslims in the country I'm in. There is also a lady here that talks badly of me so I'm scared that that will lower my chances of marriage aswell. I have always excelled in my education and alhamduallah I also take care of my looks but the lady always lies about me.Should I complete my marriage with this man? And if I leave him do you think I won't ever get married? Sorry that it's so long and thank you for reading.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is understandable why this scenario is causing you so much distress. Of course, you want a good husband and this man seemed to meet the criteria and others seemed to testify to this, but over time he seems to have shown evidence to the contrary and this has cast doubts for you.

 

There are few different things to consider here. First of all, if you have done the Nikkah then in the eyes of Allah you are married regardless of whether you have done a traditional legal marriage also. Either way, it is important to understand that marriages do take work and they will be testing at times, each in their own way. Before marriage, people might often imagine a perfect marriage, and certainly, there will be times like this, but there are also hard times too. This might make marriage seem a whole lot less appealing, but it is actually the testing times that can bring the couple closer to each other and closer to Allah. These are the times where a marriage is actually strengthened and will eventually improve the marriage in many cases. It is surviving these difficulties that will build the marriage. Of course, it doesn’t seem ideal, but it requires some patience and communication between the couple. Your parents have advised you to stay with this man, and perhaps it is this wisdom that is making them say this, their understanding from experience that marriages do need to be worked on. They only want what’s bs for you and wouldn’t want to see their daughter in a bad marriage, so try to trust their words and let them support you in this.

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Remember that everyone has their weaknesses, in his case, it seems his drinking is the problem. Unfortunately, we often seem to let these weaknesses outshine the positive things. That is not to say that his drinking should be ignored, because it shouldn’t, but you could try approaching things in a different way. First of all, do remember that he does have good qualities too, and others seem to spurt that, so try and focus on these and how they can be a source of success to your marriage.

 

Then, regarding the drinking, as his spouse, you can be a positive influence and rather than reprimanding him for it, try and support him in giving it up. We know that drinking is haram and it is not a usual thing for a Muslim man to do it may well be common in some cultures,  but that doesn’t make it permissible. There are good reasons why Allah forbade it and you can see that first hand as a result of the consequent anger that he exhibits. Showing support to him in giving it up might make him more inclined to try, as well as nurturing a positive attitude in the marriage as he feels supported by you. If it were that you had not already done the Nikkah, the doors would be open for you to walk away, from both an Islamic and practical perspective, but since it seems the Nikkah is already done, it is important to try and do what you can to save the marriage before considering walking away.

 

At the moment,  you haven’t been living together. This means you haven’t had the chance to see each other’s true colors, to see the positives shine also. It is difficult to build a marriage like this and can place great strain on things also. Perhaps, since you are married in the eyes of Allah and are therefore permissible to one another, perhaps you could spend a bit more time together, to get to know each other. You don’t necessarily have to go straight to living together at this post if it is not feasible, but perhaps you could spend a long weekend together somewhere and really get to know each other beyond the phone calls. This will give you the space to express your concerns to him, as well as see the good points that others have spoken about too. If you fear to do this alone together, maybe you could bring your parents along for support.

 

There is the fear that if you don’t continue this marriage that you will miss out on the opportunity to even get married, but this is not true, other opportunities will come along. But, in your case, if you have done the Nikkah already, you are married in the eyes of Allah and if you choose to leave, you would need to follow the process of divorce first before seeking another spouse. There is great wisdom in the process of divorce in Islam as it forces the couple to think more deeply about if it’s what they really want and puts them in a position to at least try and make it work at first.

 

Even though you have done the Nikkah already, there is the option to go for a divorce and look for marriage elsewhere, following the rulings of Islam, but we also know that Allah does His best to protect marriage because of the huge benefits it has for everyone. It is a difficult choice to make regarding whether to stay or go, and not one that you should just do without thinking. Take time to consider the options and make istikhara. Ask Allah to guide you to do what is best for everyone and what Allah will be most pleased with.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best choice and grant you a spouse who will bring you happiness in both this life and the next.