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Ask the Counselor General Session

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
29 June, 2017

Salam ‘Alaikum Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks to all who joined our Counseling Session with our Counselor Nasira Abdul-Aleem on Thursday, June 29th, 2017. You can read the complete questions and answers below. Stay tuned for our coming live sessions.

You can always send your question related to clinical disorders, cultural, individual, family, parenting and relationship issues to

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Thursday, Jun. 29, 2017 | 17:00 - 19:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I was in an abusive marriage that left me traumatized and with 4 kids. When my ex and I divorced, he promised by Allah to provide for them all their needs, and they lived with him while I went back to my country and started a new life. I married a wonderful brother who is 5 years younger and was just beginning his life, with the promise we would have a year without my kids to get adjusted to one another, then spend a year with only 2 of them. In this way, we could establish a strong life. But only one month into our marriage, my ex demanded I come to get 2 of my kids as his new wife couldn't care for them. So I had to break my promise. Then after a year, I had to get the other 2. My ex is not giving us enough to even feed them for one week, let alone all their needs. He says he has no money because his 7 kids in Egypt and his two wives need it. I can’t take him to court because he's in a different country and there is no child support laws internationally. This is destroying my marriage. My young, smart husband is working 14 hours a day in a factory to provide for my kids and can't find a job in his own field. I worked full time but the kids were neglected and the house and we always fought. We moved to my hometown because its very very cheap but there are no good jobs and people hate Muslims and foreigners. I don’t want to divorce. I love him. But it seems I must send my kids back to their father again so we can try to rebuild our new marriage. There is so much resentment on both sides.Any advice is appreciated!



As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister,

I am sorry to hear of your suffering. Because this problem is multifaceted, it is not within my ability to give you an answer. Nonetheless, I will do what you asked me to: give you “any advice” I can. But, before I do that, I want you to know that this problem needs a team to solve it; you will need a lawyer, a marriage counselor, a person or organization that can help with funds (sadaqa), etc.

Please consider, with an awareness that Allah (swt) is watching you, what your first priority should be. In other words, what, on the Day of Judgment, will make you safe with Allah (swt)? As a mother of 4, my answer to this question would be: I need to make sure that I took care of that which Allah (swt) made me in charge of. There is a hadith that says:

“Everyone of you is a guardian and is responsible for his charge… a man is a guardian of his family and is responsible for them; a woman is a guardian of her husband’s house and children and is responsible for them.” (Bukhari)

To me, that means that my responsibility to my children comes before my responsibility to my husband. This hadeeth also means that if my ex-husband mistreats my children, it is my responsibility to protect them first before taking care of my personal needs or desires. My first responsibility is to get my children away from oppression. Their right over me to take care of them is more my responsibility to my husband or my needs or our desire to be together. In other words, my need should be their needs!

This is not to say that you should leave your present husband! The point I am making is: it seems to me that your choices so far, i.e., your primary focus, has been on your marital needs, your emotional needs and not your children’s needs. Maybe I am wrong, so please forgive me! Once you have children, you can no longer think of your life as your own. Your life becomes your children’s lives more than your own. You can disagree with this because I may be wrong. But, I don’t think I am from what I have read about Islam.

If your focus and concern are ruled more by this world than your Next, then take this advice. Your duty to protect your children and their safety and growth should be in the forefront of your mind in all your decisions. I will describe to you why I got this feeling from what you wrote.

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I was surprised when you said that you left your children with your ex-husband who was abusive to you. If he was abusive to you, why would he not abuse your children too? I had a client once whose father left his children with their abusive mother. When he divorced her, he “never looked back” because “it was too “painful’. The end result was: one of them became a heroin addict (for 10 years) and then an alcoholic after that. The next one got straight F’s in seventh grade and then ran away from home. The next one became a chain smoker and alcoholic and died from lung cancer at the age of 50. The next one was bulimic (throws up to stay thin), played with fire, and threw herself in front of a car to try to kill herself. She did not die. The last one died, also at the age of 50, from an overdose a combination of legal and illegal drugs.

All that to say, it is vitally important, in front of Allah (swt), that we take the charges that Allah (swt) has given us very seriously! When charged with the care of children, it is our duty to Allah (swt) to provide for them the things they need to grow up.

I was glad that you said you stopped working to take care of the house and kids. That to me was the “right” decision. However, yes, it did cause other problems, especially with finances. But, that to me is less important than your children’s rights over you for your “mothering”.

As regards your new husband’s role in your children’s lives: of course, it is a huge burden on him which he is not obliged to meet, but it seems he has been trying to meet it! Ma sha’ Allah, may Allah (swt) bless his heart! Furthermore, it seems he is very reasonable, a hard worker, and interested in being a provider for your children—even though they are not his!

So, given these two criteria (your duty to care for your children first and his willingness to help you with that), maybe you two can figure out a way to do that—even it if means that he has to live separately from you for a while so that he can work in his field that he loves while you stay at home or work part-time so you can care for your kids. Then, once he is established in his work, you could move with him.

Also, you live in America. In the USA, there are lots of social services such as food stamps and cash aid and money for child care while you job to train and/or job search. Have you been able to tap into any of those services? Also, some mosques give one-time monetary help with rent and food to poor people. Have you been able to access those resources?

Lastly, given the anti-Muslim climate in America today, I hope that you can find a place to live that feels safe. We all suffer this false propaganda against Islam and Muslims. So, I want you to know that any oppression –from your ex or from the society –that you suffer is a blessing in disguise. In other words, if you suffer for the sake of Allah (swt), your will be relieved and rewarded for it in the Next Life and maybe in this life too. In fact, Allah (swt) tests the hardest the ones He (swt) loves the most. So, all your struggles and suffering may actually be good on some level. Allah (swt) may love you very much and is giving you tests as opportunities to get to the highest places in Jannah, In Sha’ Allah.

I hope this helped, if even if just a little. I feel your pain, sister! I pray Allah (swt) makes it easy for you going forward and that any hardship you suffer is only so that you can gain a greater reward from Allah (swt)!

Salam,

I am interested in a young man who is turning 19 soon and just finished his first year in his undergraduate university degree. He is my brother’s friend. As soon as I thought I was interested in him for marriage, I made it a point to tell my mom and my brother. They both supported the idea and approved of the man. This was in late 2014. The young man I am interested in lives very far away from me, and we are trying very hard to maintain a halal courtship. It is so difficult because when we met I was not as close to the deen, and neither was my brother nor my mom. Because of that, I would often talk to him on the phone, and I would even talk to him along with my brother and mother and it would not be a big deal to us. Now, Alhamdulillah as we’ve realized how this is wrong, we find it tough to not talk to each other. After getting to know a person who one sees as a potential spouse closely, it is so hard fighting the desire to talk. I REALLY would like to have our nikkah done as soon as possible. I know he feels the same way. The problem is that his parents are more "dunya-oriented" and they want him to complete his studies before getting married so he is not distracted. He wants to become a doctor in sha Allah, and his parents really want him to succeed in this goal. He has a part time job and I do as well, and we are working to save some money up for the future while attending university at the same time to please our parents/achieve our career goals.



As-Salaamu ’Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh My dear sister in Islam,

In Islam, parents do not have the right to refuse a potential spouse on the basis this man’s parents are using (his need to finish school). The only sound basis for refusing a marriage offer is evidence against the potential spouse’s religious beliefs and character (like if you were an atheist or if you had a bad character like you were a pathological liar, or thief, or adulterer.

Furthermore, as far as I know, if parents do not allow their children to marry young and, as a result, their children commit zeena, the sin will be on them on the Day of Judgment! But please confirm this information with the scholars on this website because my role is as a counselor, not a religious advisor.

Regarding his parents, I suggest that he educates them first and give them a chance to change their idea of what the correct Islamic practice is in this case. Then, if they still won’t agree to the marriage, he will have the right to disobey them.

Allah (swt) says in the Quran:

„But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly…” (31:15)

He has the right now, but he should try to marry you in a way that is not in disobedience to his parents, if at all possible. Telling them the Islamic laws around this issue may help make it a smoother transition, in Sha’ Allah.

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Lastly, I want you to know how beautiful and valuable it is for you to have a person whom you love and really want to marry. We live in an era where marriage is being sorely tested. Shaitan’s most prized work is divorce and he is gaining a lot of success these days!

For cultural reasons that are not Islam, people are being forced by their parent into marriages where there is no love. And vice versa: people are not allowed to marry when there is! Divorce takes place over 50% of the time because people do not know how to do marriage and because people are being forced to marry for the wrong reasons. So, you should be celebrating the beauty and value of your relationship with this brother and working to make it happen. Do not let ignorance of Islam win the day. Stand up for your rights – in a nice way – and gain the good. Don’t let it get away from you!

Also, there is no sin in talking to him with your relatives on the line! You can talk to him as much as you need to determine if you want to marry him or not. Once you know that you want to marry him (which you already know), then you should take your vows. As for last option, you might want to make your vows on Skype while having two trustworthy witnesses with you. Of course, it would be best if he got his parents permission first. But if he can’t get it, he has the right to marry you anyway because their reason for refusing you –or even marriage at all—are wrong.

Since you can’t consummate your marriage yet (have marital relations/sex) because of physical distance, this is a great opportunity for you to get to know each other better by talking alone and privately on the phone with each other. That way, if for any reason you discover that you do not want to consummate the marriage with him, you can still end the marriage relatively easily as compared to if you had consummated it.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!

I have disturbing thoughts for years when I am trying to pray. I love offering salah, but for example the movie I was watching previously come in my mind during prayer. I made a promise to Allah that next time I will not watch a movie. But again I watched a movie and when I was praying my magrib I felt that my iman has gone and Shaitan said that you make prostration to me, not Allah. I feel my heart empty. I was 16 years old that time. I opened the Quran and there was written that who breaks a promise Allah will never forgive them. These ayat make me so shocked, nothing was more important then ALLAH for me, so I become depressed. when I offered salah more and more whisperings of Shaitan were coming. I was thinking maybe I’m now a mushrik and ALLAH will never forgive me and put me in jahanam. Then I left too many prayers. I was praying, but not regularly. 2 years ago, I started praying regularly and the whisperings came back. Now even when I pray or when I am not, I continuously suffer from bad whisperings. I am tensed all the time and can not sleep even, and when I sleep, I have bad dreams. I am taking sleeping pills. I am too much disappointed, too much far from Islam. I offer five times prayers but these prayers making me sadder. When I am saying to something to ALLAH or praying to ALLAH, my heart is speaking oppositely. I can not feel peace. I am so afraid of the hellfire. I haven’t gone to any doctor, nor any person who would read Quran on me. I do not discuss these with anyone. I mentioned it only to two teachers of the Quran. They said it's from Shaitan just ignore it and do not discuss it with anybody. The problem is that I am unable to ignore these thoughts which are saying things totally opposite to Islam. I can not enjoy anything. In each and every moment I feel I need ALLAH near to me, but when I feel ALLAH very near to me again, something started to make me feel I do not want ALLAH very near me. It’s hard to explain, but hope you can guide me. Jazakallah!



As-Salaamu ’alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh My dear sister in Islam,

I am sorry to hear that you are plagued with these horrible thoughts that make you feel separated from your Lord and your Love, Allah. It sounds very disturbing and upsetting. Of course, my first instinct is to tell you to just ignore these lies that Shaitan is putting in your head like the imams have already told you to do. But, I don’t think that will help you because it did not help you before. So, I will try to suggest something else.

What if you had an argument with these thoughts? What if you said to yourself: Is this true? Do I really not love Allah (swt)? I think the answer will be „No, it is not true; I do really love Allah (swt). This might take the negative effect out of the lies. Lies are only effective when they are believed. From what I can tell, you love Allah (swt) so much that these lies are very painful for you. So, that is proof that they are lies and not the truth about your true feelings.

I also think it is important for you to focus on the positives about Allah instead of the negatives. Reflect more on Allah’s names such as All-Forgiving, All-Merciful. Think about His love.

Allah created Shaitan for one purpose: to challenge our thinking so that we can think deeply and figure out the truth from his lies. He is lying to you about your faith. You are very faithful and you can defeat his lies by asking yourself: Do I love Allah (swt)? The answer, from what you told us, is a resounding YES! That’s it. Let Shaitan go spin his wheels and you should feel confident that you love Allah (swt) and just go about the business of feeling good in your love for Allah (swt). Don’t believe his lies. I know, it is easier said than done!

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I once had a client with a problem very much like yours. I proved to her over and over again that it was her love for Allah (swt) that was the reason that those particular types of thoughts (lies that she did not love Allah) whispered into her head by Shaitan upset her so much! But, she was never able to get it that it was her love for Allah (swt) that made her so upset by those lies about her beliefs. She has to live in an environment where she is taken care of because these thoughts actually cripple her by making her feel so afraid that Allah (swt) is angry with her that she cannot function. I think Allah (swt) loves her, and maybe more than any of us because she is so worried that she is not pleasing Allah (swt)! But, she doesn’t get that!

If you are like her, you may need psychological help beyond what I can offer you on this website. So, if what I have said also does not help you, I recommend highly that you get additional psychological help, on an ongoing basis, so that you can find some peace in your heart and mind, by Allah’s Will, and with the help of someone else who understands the cunning of Shaitan. That may take a Muslim therapist and/or medication to calm your anxiety. I don’t know. A professional therapist or psychiatrist would have to make that call. I just recommend that you find a Muslim one (or a Christian or a Jew if you do not have access to a Muslim therapist) because they will not think you are crazy for believing in Shaitan.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!

AA. I have been suffering from thoughts that my time is near. These thoughts and feelings come especially when I go to the mosque to offer prayer and also while eating or going to the office. I have this fear all the time. I want to ask is it a whisper of Shaitan or something else?



As-Salaamu ’Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh My dear brother in Islam,

At age 33, unless you have a terminal illness or someone close to you just died unexpectedly at a young age, I see no reason for you to be ”obsessed” with death. So, yes, maybe Shaitan is having a hay day with your emotions by making your fear death.

Our first defense against Shaitan is to realize that the grist for his mill is lies! Thus, I suggest that you turn this obsession around by finding out the truth about death. Get knowledge about death. Awareness of the ins and outs of death will give you a fully informed, healthy, and balanced understanding of death. This is what will defeat Shaitan’s lying whispers which cripple you with fear.

Personally, listening to scholars on the web and on Youtube who tell us all about the beautiful experiences after the death of the believers make me feel safe about dying. These stories give me a lot of hope about what is going to happen to me after I die.

Another thing you can do is turn things around in your mind. In other words, when we recite ”Master of The Day of Judgement”, when we recite the Fatiha in our prayers, it can make us feel only fear. But one day I realized I am going to be so happy on the Day of Judgment because all the wrongs of the world will be righted. All the pain I see that causes me so much pain because I can’t fix it or cure it will be cured and fixed. All those people who were ”getting away with murder”, so to speak, will realize that they never really got away with murder and they will be brought to justice. It will be a great day of happiness. After I realized this, I have a more balanced understanding of the Judgment Day. I feel more happiness than fear.

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Also, I had a similar reversal in my understanding of another part of the Fatiha: ”Ar-Rahmanir-Raheem”. I used to always feel relief when I said that I could be forgiven by Allah (swt), In Sha’Allah. Then, I realized, maybe I will feel fear about my sins before I feel that way. I still get a great feeling of hope from saying those attributes of Allah (swt), but now it is mixed with fear that I may feel scared until Allah (swt) decides my fate.

So, you see, you can look at things from different perspectives and come up with a whole different take on them. That is what Shaitan does not want us to do. He wants us to just believe him and use that as our criteria for right and wrong—in a vacuum of sense and reason and deep thinking.

I just heard on a Youtube video today how the soul of the believer leaves his/her dead body like water flowing out of a pitcher. But the soul of an unbeliever is painfully ripped out of the body because it does not want to leave the body—the world—because it believes in the world, not in the unseen world. So, I feel confident that if you get true knowledge about death according to Islam, by Allah’s Will, that true knowledge will defeat shaitan’s lies.

Allah (swt) tests us with Shaitan lying into our hearts. Shaitan has been given permission from Allah (swt) to lie into our hearts. Why did Allah (swt) give Shaitan this permission? To make us think. If our thoughts are not challenged with disagreement and other ideas and suggestions, we would never need to think and find out the truth and figure out things.

One of the greatest goods is discovery, especially, self-discovery. When Allah (swt) questions us on the Day of Judgment, He (swt) asks us questions! SubhanAllah! Do you see the wisdom in that? He (swt) sets it up so we discover the truth about ourselves. That is True Wisdom.

We don’t enjoy being lectured at. We enjoy discovery and self-discovery and personal growth in particular. So, go for it. Find out about death. It should make your false fears of it and your obsession with it go away, in Sha’ Allah. Death is not only scary, it is also the doorway to permanent life – life without death—and that is what we all want!

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!

Assalamu Alaikum! I recently found out that my wife lied to me about going to graduate school. We are recently married and when I first started to talk to her she told me she had classes on Tuesday and Thursday and when we would speak on the phone she made it appear as if she was going to class--turns out that was a lie. It was a very detailed lie and she had to keep up to make sure I believed her by pretending she was going to class and taking exams. After we got married, she claimed that she was denied transfer to a local graduate school and was kicked out of her current graduate school. A month later I needed some documentation from her graduate school but she claimed she didn't have any and lied again saying she never got the documentation. A few months later, I asked her about it again as I was suspicious and she changed her story again and I foolishly believed her again. Just last month, I called the graduate school she was in and asked about the program she described to me--turns out they never had such a program. I asked her about it and she admitted she was never in graduate school and only kept the lie going to not disappoint her parents. She lied to me about it for several months prior to marriage and after marriage and I really do not think that is fair. Regardless, I am ready to forgive her for it. So I asked her if she would be willing to tell her parents (and possibly my parents the truth), she adamantly refused and didn't want to hurt anyone else by telling the truth. She has now asked me to continue to lie for her when I know the truth and that makes me uncomfortable, which I have expressed to her. However, she says it is her lie and she is not ready to tell the truth. I am worried that this demonstrates a part of her personality that I did not see before--a propensity to lie. I am not ready to end the marriage as it is early and I want to try my best before making that decision but I find it troubling that she does not want to tell the truth to the families and has now asked me to continue lying for her. Thanks for your help!



As-Salaamu ’Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh My dear sister in Islam,

May Allah (swt) reward you for willing to try to work things out with your wife. The forgiveness, non-judgmental attitude, and humility you have toward your wife are all very honorable things in front of Allah (swt). Allah (swt) says He is merciful to those who are merciful with others! So, I want you to know that I respect you very much for your righteous and Islamic attitude and I pray that Allah (swt) accepts it from you and forgives your sins. May He (swt) always give you a second and third and fourth chance whenever you need it and reward you in this life and the next.

That said, I fear that you may be wasting your good character on someone who does not deserve it as she does not seem to be penitent. You say she has never admitted her sin until you found it out and confronted her with it. She is trying to keep it going with those who still don’t know it. If she were owning the wrongness of her behavior, choices, and their problematic nature, and if she were begging for your forgiveness, then, yes, I would be with you 100% in your good intentions to forgive her. But, not only does she not seem penitent, she is asking you to join in on her lies—she wants you to become a liar, too!

Now, I could see her wanting to save face by not broadcasting her sins, and that attitude is right in front of Allah (swt). But it needs to be accompanied by another attitude to be right: the admission of fault, being penitent and trying to do that for damage control, not to keep the sin going. However, she wants to keep the sin going!

While saving face, in this case, would be hard to figure out under these circumstances, it might be possible if you two put your heads together while asking for Allah’s help. But, that is not what she is asking for. She ”adamantly refused because she didn’t want to hurt anyone else by telling the truth”. She has it backward which means to me that she is not trying to remedy her sin but is making excuses.

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In truth, telling the truth will hurt no one but herself – her reputation. It won’t hurt other people, except disappoint them in her. Thus, she wants to keep lying instead and wants you to help her do that. Lies are the things that hurt people, not the truth! Lies are not the only deception; they in and of themselves are deceptive. We do them to keep from dealing with things that we think will hurt us, but, paradoxically, lies are the things that hurt us instead. They have the opposite effect of what we think they will do for us. They hurt us because they are bad for our soul!

There are a few very serious problems, Islamically, with her way of thinking.

1) the real marital relationship, as defined in Islam, is ”love” and ”mercy” and ”likeness”. Those things exist on a medium of ”trust”. Trust is how we access them and share them with each other. Lies are the opposite of what is needed for trust.

Furthermore, Loveableness is the result of trustworthiness. In other words, we love trustworthiness. For example, one of the main reasons we love our Prophet (saw) is because he was trustworthy. Trustworthiness was his epithet before and after he got the Revelation of Islam. Trust is why we know the Quran is the truth. Trust is why we know he is our Prophet (saw). Trust is born from the opposite of lying. Lying is the opposite of what it takes to realize our Islam.

2) Marriage is intimacy, and not just bodily intimacy (sex), but emotional intimacy. There is no intimacy without trust; one does not exist if the other one is not there.

3) Sex is for love-making which is what the intimacy of marriage is for. However, sex does not exist in a vacuum of emotional intimacy; it is subsequent to, not a precursor to, emotional intimacy. In other words, we want to have sex because we love the person and have sworn an oath to Allah (swt) to take care of each other’s emotional and physical needs. Sex is the outcome of that, not an end in itself. Like trust and love, emotional intimacy does not exist in a milieu of lies.

4)”Kafr” means someone who covers up the truth, i.e., lies. Now, do not get me wrong. I am not calling your wife a kafer. That is not my place. What I am saying is that she needs to take this particular behavior very seriously because it is very dangerous for our souls. She may not realize its seriousness because she may have been raised on it in a culture that teaches to be this way. That is why I cannot judge her. Only Allah (swt) knows her struggle! Nonetheless, once she comes to know of its seriousness, she needs to change—for the safety of her soul.

So, first, inform her about how dangerous this particular kind of behavior is. Then, you, as her intimate partner, need to see if she actually feels the sting of its wrongness and dangerousness. Lying is not your ”normal, everyday” brand of sin; it is one of the most dangerous ones. If she does not know this or even thinks that it is not a sin because she was raised on it, please enlighten her and then see if you can tell who she really is. This information should help you decide if this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your private life with.

May Allah (saw) make it easy for you!

I understand the importance of motherhood in Islam. I appreciate it as I am now a mother. However, I cannot continue to be neglected by my husband like this. We have had no physical relationship for five years! I do not speak when I am at home because his mother will report whatever I say to other family members. I do not get rest on weekends because I am cleaning up and cooking all weekend. I work a full-time job throughout the week. I cannot even talk with anyone on the phone because the conversation will be overheard. Home now feels like a beautiful prison. Recently when I brought this matter up to my husband, we started having a discussion. The discussion escalated and he hit me several times. He grabbed my throat and our only child was watching the whole time. I tried to defend myself but that only made him angrier. He kept hitting me. (This has never happened before. My own parents never hit me. I have never hit my child. ) When he finally stopped, I called the police for protection. I took my child, packed clothes and went to my parents' home. We were gone for a week. For the sake of our child's future and happiness, I prayed for things to work out. He did not even call or ask if we were okay. Ramadan started and he started to communicate. He apologized, brought me flowers and promised that it would not happen again. However, he advised that he cannot do anything about his mother. He said that he blames me for his sister's unhappiness in our home years ago. He said that he won't let it happen again with his mother. Reluctantly, I came home with my child so we can at least spend this Ramadan together. Upon my return, I found that he was fasting but not getting any food for iftaar or dinner at home. He would have to go out or cook himself. His mother was not taking care of him so I was needed. Since we have returned, his mood is still unstable. He gets irritated with the smallest thing. I am even afraid to go near him. I carry pepper spray for my own protection, safety, and peace of mind. We do not talk throughout the day. I sleep in a separate room on the other side of the home. I feel more neglected and unimportant than ever before. The tension and unhappiness are now impacting our child who is starting to have behavior problems at daycare now. Our child has expressed "Mommy should listen to me or I will have daddy hit you". This small child has never said things like this before. I now sometimes regret coming back. I am looking at other options. I have started looking at apartments so I can move out. I don't know what to do. I desperately need some guidance. I have no hope for a brighter future. Am I missing something? Is there a reason to stay in this situation? I doubt he will ever change and stop neglecting me when his family is here. Is there anything I can do to save my child and marriage from a broken home?



As-Salaamu ’Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh My dear sister in Islam,

To answer your questions:

  • „Is there a reason to stay in this situation?”

No! there is no Islamic reason to stay in this situation. From what you have told me, it is your Islamic duty to leave this relationship rather than staying in it. Sometimes a marriage is wrong and that is why divorce is lawful.

Islam defines marriage as ”love and mercy”. It’s a bond of intimacy, both sexual and emotional, and provision. Marriage should make us feel safe and facilitate us realizing our own being (that is what the word ”intimacy” means). These things are not the things that are defining your marriage. In fact, your marriage is a source of the opposite of the things that define a Muslim marriage: your husband does not provide for you, he hits you, he teaches your child that it is okay for him to hit you. In her youthful mind, she thinks it is also okay for him to hit you when you will not do what she, a five-year-old, wants you too. This is a very serious problem that is much worse than the problems you would have, in Sha’ Allah, if you raised your child by yourself.

Please, confirm the validity of this opinion with the scholars on this website if you have any doubts about my opinion about your right to get out of this marriage—or the preferability of your getting out of this marriage as compared to staying in it.

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2) „Is there anything I can do to save my child and marriage from a broken home?”

Yes, leave—immediately! As regards to your maternal concerns about your child having a broken home if you divorce, please ask yourself: would my child be better off living in a broken home that is peaceful, non-violent, and loving or one like you described above? I think the answer is obvious.

Remember, no life is perfect; everyone has troubles. This is what Allah says is the reason He created us – to test us! Don’t assume that trouble comes in only one kind of package or one type such as hunger, poverty, or grief because you are an orphan or because one of your parents died. Trouble comes in a myriad of packages and types including divorced parents—and that is okay! In fact, it may be much less trouble than hunger, poverty, or grief from losing a parent to death. Grief from losing an in-tack family is a very real problem and a form of trouble that is just as valid as any other test.

Also, please remember that Allah (swt) tests the hardest the ones He loves the most. So, in a paradoxical way, this is a blessing in disguise. When we meet the challenges of the tests Allah gives us, that is how we pass them. First and foremost, the test is designed to see if you ask of Allah (swt) first. By first asking of Allah (swt) for His help, you prove your belief in Allah (to yourself as Allah already knows who is who) even in the face of hardship.

Secondly, you do your best to do the right thing. Standing out against oppression is one of the most right things that a Muslim can do! Doing the right thing is how we gain hope in the Favor and the protection and the reward of Allah (swt).

You can look at a horrible situation differently which is: understand it to be a blessing in disguise. When you understand it to be a test that Allah (swt) put in your path for you to pass, then get to work on figuring out how to pass it.

What do I think is the right thing to do in your case? get out of this marriage as fast as you can because it has made the beautiful, religious institution of marriage into a prison with a captive to torture. Take the position that this is not right and you will not stand for it. And, yes, protect yourself with pepper spray and protect your daughter. This is the right thing to do, in Sha’Allah.

Take yourselves to a safe place that honors your rights and dignity. Go to your mother temporarily if you have to until you can find your own place, in Sha’Allah! Surround yourself with people who care about their responsibility to Allah (swt) to be fair and just to you because they have taqwa. Find people who are good role models for your daughter, people who are gentle and kind – not people who are violent and who abuse others and then justify their behavior!

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!