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Sister Aisha on Love, Abuse and More (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
26 March, 2018

As-salamu Alaikum Dear brothers and sisters

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Thursday, Mar. 29, 2018 | 05:00 - 06:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamualaikum Brother/Sister. I am a reverted Muslimah from India. My parents and whole family follows Hinduism and they don't like Muslims and Islam. As my age is now 27, my parents are forcing me a lot to get married and of course, they have searched a Hindu guy. I have chosen for myself for marriage an Islamic guy who is very much in Deen MashaAllah. But I know my parents will never allow me to marry an Islamic guy. Now I am in a lot of confusion as what to do now for the following reasons: As I am a Muslimaah, I can't marry a non-Muslim guy, it is prohibited. I can't go against my parents as it is written in Quran that you can't go against your parents except that they force you to worship idols. I can't remain unmarried as my parents will become worried about this decision of mine. It is also not allowed in Islam to hurt your parents. And also they are not young enough now to bear this type of fact that their only daughter is not ready to get married. Please advise me on this urgently what should I do? The guy with whom I want to do nikaah is really pious guy, MashaAllah, I know him for 11 years. Please guide.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As you are 27 and Muslim, I am wondering if you are living with your Hindu family?  If not, do they know you are Muslim?  If you do live with them or near them, how do they not know you are Muslim?  At any rate, you are about to be married.  On one hand, you have already met a Muslim whom you wish to marry.  Alhumdulilah.  On the other hand, your parents have picked out a Hindu man for you and expect you to marry him.  Finally, your parents are very opposed to Muslims and Islam.

 

Sister, you need to speak with your parents insha’Allah and explain to them that you are Muslim and you yourself have found one whom you wish to marry.  Of course, they will be very upset as I can imagine, however, you are grown (your 27) and you are an adult who is free to make her own decisions and choices.  Yes, we strive to please our parents and we seek to make them happy.  However, this can not always be the case. In Islam, no one can force a woman to marry.  A woman is free to choose who it is she will marry. You are Muslim now.  Additionally, as it is prohibited for you to marry a non-Muslim,  it is permissible for you to go against your parents in this case as they are trying to get you to go against what Allah swt has stated is not allowed. You are to follow Allah’s commands above your parents. This includes marrying a non-Muslim. I am not an Islamic scholar so should you be confused by this, please do feel free to write the “Ask the Scholar Section” they may be able to make this concept clearer for you insha’Allah.   You are not to follow your parent’s demands to marry one who is not permissible to you and it will not be a sin if you do go against them.

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While I understand this does not negate your issue nor help deal with the cultural constraints you are up against, just know that you have Allah “on your side”.  I would kindly suggest that if they are approachable that you speak with them about your life, that you are Muslim and you found a nice Muslim brother whom you wish to marry.  If they are not approachable, I would kindly suggest that you marry this Muslim brother without their blessings (you do not need permission) and try to repair the relationship with them afterward insha’Allah.  While this is not an ideal situation that you are facing dear sister, there are many tests and trials in this life.  The main thing is that we seek to obey and please Allah. We wish you the best you are in our prayers.

Assalamu Aleikom. I fell in love with a boy who is relative of mine. He also loves me and wants to marry me, but suddenly he started avoiding me. I don't know why. He doesn't even want to talk to me. I pray for him five times and also pray tahajjud for him because he is a very simple boy. What can I do now? I feel tensed. tension



As salaam Alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear about your situation. While you did not provide a lot of information such as how old you both are, have you ever talked in depth, how well do you know each other, how long have you two been talking etc. it is hard to tell but I will do my best.

 

It seems people who suddenly stop talking to another person and avoids them, may have something else going on in their lives.  Perhaps a stressful exam, an illness, a situation at home or at work or even depression.  Other reasons why one who says he loves you then stops talking to you and avoids you is because perhaps he is no longer interested and is afraid to tell you or just does not care enough to tell you.  While I cannot know if any of these situations may be related to your situation, I can only offer possible reasons such as these.

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Sister I would kindly advise you to just fall back and do nothing at this point.  While that may be hard as you do have feelings for him and he is a relative (you may be around him more) it may be the only option right now as you cannot force someone to talk to you or to stop avoiding you. In time insha’Allah you will find out if there is something wrong like depression, family issues or illness which is causing this behavior or if he is just immature and thoughtless and no longer interested, yet failed to tell you.  Situations like these are always hard because sometimes we never do find out why a person turns away from us. However, we can be sure that what Allah has for us will be-and what is not meant for us will pass us by.  Perhaps if this boy just isn’t interested any longer it may be a blessing in disguise and Allah is saving you from some future hurt and pain.  Allah knows best.

 

Please do try to move on sister.  Get involved in social activities with sisters at the Masjid.  Join a gym, take a course in something you have always been interested in. These things will help get your mind off of him and re-focused on others things that are positive and up-building. Engage in some stress reduction techniques to reduce your tension. Progressive muscle relaxation, aromatherapy, deep breathing, dhzikr are all some ways to reduce stress and tension.  Draw closer to Allah and make duaa for yourself-that Allah grant ease, mercy and blesses you with all things that are good and nourishing. Trust in Allah concerning this situation and know that it has happened for a reason. If he does by chance seek your attention again, I would advise that you refer him to your parents if he does want to marry you. I would not talk to him outside of that if he does, in fact, seek out your conversation again. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

As-Salam Aleykum. Please, how do I help a brother who tells lies?



As-Salam ‘Alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session with your most serious concern.  As you know, lying is extremely haram.  In a hadith by Abdullah bin ‘Amr it states that “The Prophet said, “Whoever has the following four (characteristics) will be a pure hypocrite and whoever has one of the following four characteristics will have one characteristic of hypocrisy unless and until he gives it up.

 

  1. Whenever he is entrusted, he betrays.
  2. Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie.
  3. Whenever he makes a covenant, he proves treacherous.
  4. Whenever he quarrels, he behaves in a very imprudent, evil and insulting manner.”

 

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As we can see it’s very serious.  I would kindly suggest that you ask this person if he is aware of the grave sin he is committing by lying.  If need be, go over the Qur’an with him as well as hadiths showing him points to the gravity of his sin of lying.  I would kindly suggest that you also find out if he is aware of all of his lying.  Often times lying becomes a habit, a compulsion and the person just tells lies without even thinking twice. In fa,ct he may not even realize just how many lies he tells in a day.  It kind of becomes second nature.  In order to help him overcome lying, you must first ensure he is aware of the grave sin he is committing, help him to become conscious of everything he says to ensure it is truthful and finally ensure that he does indeed want to stop the lying.

 

For those that are compulsive liars, therapy is usually recommended as it is treated as any other addiction. I do not know if this is his case but perhaps you can tell if it is a compulsion or if it is an occasional lie. I would kindly suggest that you do address these points with him and see if he is ready to become truthful not only with others but with himself as well. People lie for many reasons. Some lie to protect themselves, to make them look better or to hide things they do not want to be revealed.  An example of this would be a man who forgot to get his wife a bag of groceries so he tells her he got robbed. Others may lie to avoid hurting someone by the truth.  A husband may lie to his wife about how she looks to him to avoid hurting her feelings.  Instead of saying oh, that new dress doesn’t look good on you,  he may say-oh you look beautiful.

 

Whatever the case may be, insha’Allah you can sort out the types of lies he says and why, if he is a compulsive liar or one who lies occasionally and be able insha’Allah to encourage him to get help if he cannot stop.  You may find more tips here when confronting him. We wish you the best.

 

Salam. I’m a Muslim girl who is 24 years old. I’m in a relationship with a boy, same age as me. We have been together for 4 years and the first two years were on and off. I have been in a couple relationships before him and committed sins in my past relationships with him which he already knows. I have committed sin with him and done things I shouldn’t. I ask for forgiveness I pray from Allah. I’m ashamed, I'm embarrassed. Recently, my current boyfriend keeps bring up my old past. He keeps pestering me and asking me questions about which guys I have been with or done stuff with because “he wants to know what kind of girl he’s bringing home” (his words). He already knows about the couple of exs I had, but there is some stuff I don’t want to tell him because he judges me and calls me horrible names. He says I'm not a ‘right girl’. I pray to Allah's (SWT) forgiveness for my sins. I don’t want to tell him. I'm so ashamed. I already feel like a bad person because he made me feel like this. I just want to forget about the past and move on and marry this person I’m with, but he said he would never marry me if I don’t tell him everything about my past.” I’m upset. I suffer from anxiety already and I really don’t know what to do. I’m a changed person I don’t have any male friends i don't have any social media i have started wearing a hijabi want to be on the right path and make everything halal. But my current bf doesn’t help he keeps bringing up my past and judging me asking me the same questions I don’t want to answer, I’ve changed a lot for this person but he is struggling to let go of my past and with this, he is suffering himself. He asks advice of his friends who ‘bad mouth me and say horrible things about me’ like ‘ she's not a good girl, she is this that’ i feel judged by him and his friends. I don’t know what to do. This has been going on for a year. May Allah SWT forgive me for my sins and guide me on to the straight path May Allah swt find me a way out of this. In Sha Allah. Any advice? Jzk



as salaam Alaykum,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session.  I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through.  You have been through a lot, repented and are now trying to live the life that Allah has commanded.  Sister, I am a bit confused, as I understand it you have a boyfriend now whom you have done haram things in the past with?  And now he is asking you and obsessing over your past when he himself has done haram acts with you?  I would kindly suggest that you leave this boy and just stop talking to him.  I know it is not what you want to hear but as you now-the first thing is that as a Muslim you are not supposed to have a boyfriend.  Secondly, this boy seems as if he will never let you be in peace even if you did marry him.  It seems (and Allah forgive me if I am wrong) that he will never rest and will always make your life miserable by questioning your past.  The thing about this is, he himself has a haram past however he still feels he can judge you, make you feel bad and threaten not to marry you.  This is not one who has mercy or kindness sister.  Do you really want a future husband who is like this?  Please do think hard on this.

 

As far as revealing your past, if you have truly repented to Allah for your sins and asked for forgiveness, Allah has forgiven you sister and covered your sins. When Allah covers our sins we are not to keep talking about them, revealing them and pondering on them.  It I like we still have one hand on our sins, not willing to let go. It’s like we don’t trust Allah’s forgiveness and mercy.  Our sins sister are between us and Allah, no one else.  I encourage you to trust in these blessings from our Creator, who loves us very much and do not divulge what Allah in his mercy has covered.

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As far as the other people saying things about you, while I know it hurts, I would kindly recommend that you just get rid of the whole lot of bad, negative people in your life., your “boyfriend” included.  These people do not mean you any good, in fact, it sounds as if they are trying to destroy you.  Sister,. You are starting a new life in Islam.  I would suggest that you surround yourself with righteous Muslim sisters and continue to focus on your relationship with Allah as well as continuing to build yourself up in Islam.  Allah loves you sister but the shaitan would love to see you fall again or be depressed or feel anxiety because of these cruel and mean people.  You are a pious, beautiful young Muslima now and I suggest that you leave this boy in the past as he does not mean you any good, and you deserve to be happy, loved, cherished by a future Muslim husband who isn’t so concerned with your past but is indeed concerned with who you are now because that is what truly matters.

 

Insha’Allah you will realize that this boy cannot bring you peace and happiness.  He is a stumbling block sister.  Insha’Allah you will consider your growth, changes and realize that your path to Allah and to having a happy life insha’Allah, is one that is filled with positive and upbuilding Muslims.  Not ones ready to tear you down or bring up your past. Everyone has a past, but it is just that-a past.  We are now in the present, moving towards the future.  Please do insha’Allah ask yourself, what kind of people do you want to bring with you in your future and will they benefit you Islamically?

 

I am confident you will make the right decision sister inshaAllah.  You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

My friend is 18 years old right now and I am 16. I am working and she is searching for work too, in order to move to a new home. I think I will contact some organization and try to help her. We also want to move because next year, we will go to another school and we want to live near there. In Spain, some people live alone at 16 and it's normal. My parents are comprehensive with me and will not be against my decision. They always support me. One of the biggest problems is that her mother thinks that the way her husband treats her is normal. She thinks that when her child will marry, she will be alone and only her husband will be there to take care of her. Her brother is not abused by his father right now, I think it's because he is studying in the university and his father wants him to love him, in order to have money when he has a good job. For the moment, my friend is trying her best to avoid problems in her family. Thank you very much.



As salam Alaykum,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session and for providing more detailed information. As it is normal for some to move out of their parents home at 16 in your country, and your parents are supportive, insha’Allah it will be beneficial to you especially since you will be attending another school. It sounds like you have things for your future planned out quite well sister.  You sound very mature and focused on your studies alhumdulilah!

 

As far as your friend, even though she is 18, she is still being abused and is in a dangerous situation. May Allah reward you for trying to help her.  She is blessed to have a wonderful friend such as you.  It is often times the case that a mom who is being abused as well does not want to be left alone with the abuser (her husband). Even if she may think this is normal behavior, it still hurts and it is still scary.  As you stated her brother is away at a university studying, your friend’s mom would be alone.  However, this should not stop your friend from getting help as soon as possible to get out of this abusive and dangerous situation. Insha’Allah she may be able to get her mom help as well.  As we love our mom’s very much, we do not want to leave them or see them being hurt or abused however in your friend’s situation perhaps by her taking the first step, her mom might follow.

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Often times sister, when you have not seen a healthy marital relationship, or you come from a home or even society wherein abuse of women is over-looked or accepted, it may become to be to think it is a “normal” situation, but it is not.  The Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) never beat his wives, in fact, he said “The best among you is the one who treats his family the best, and I am the one who treats his family the best.”   In a hadith by Bhukhari, it is said that the Prophet said: “How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then sleeps with her at night?”.  These words should be taken very seriously by Muslim men they will be accountable for all of the despicable violence that they do to women (their wives).  Allah created marriage to be a love and mercy between two people, not a life of hell and abuse.

 

Insha’Allah dear sister you will be able to help your friend and save her through the mercy of Allah from this tragic situation.  You are in our prayers dear sister, both of you are.  Please let us know if you are successful in getting your friend some help.