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Ask the Counselor (General Counseling)

Aisha Mohammad
17 October, 2017

Salaam Alaikum Dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohammad Swan for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Friday, Oct. 13, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam Alaykum. I had a question about a few dreams I had that had my ex in them. A few months ago after somewhat getting over him, I randomly had a dream about my ex, in the dream, we were very happy, both together in a good relationship. We used to fight a lot so in that dream, he was apologizing to me a lot over and over again and I don’t know why after that I just started missing him and loving him again. A month after that I had another dream about him, we were both happy and just had a good relationship. Someone told me today that he was probably missing me and that’s why I had a dream about him and I don’t know what to think about this?



As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session. As you stated, you have been having dreams about your x. Dreams are often the mind’s way of dealing with unresolved conflicts, desires, hopes, worries or trauma. In your case dear sister, it could be that you have feelings for your x that you were unaware of. These feelings could exist in your subconscious and come out in dreams from time to time.

 

Often after a break-up, we may feel sad, hurt or angry about the break-up.  Depending on why a couple breaks up will determine any residual feelings. While you did not say why you parted ways or how you felt when you did break up, the fact that you stated that the two of you fought a lot during the relationship is a red sign. Sometimes when we break away from someone who was a negative force in a relationship, we tend to feel a loss as we have invested time, emotions and caring into that relationship.

 

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On the other hand, we realize insha’Allah that the relationship was not healthy (constant arguing). As our emotions are often two fold (loss and relief) there often arises a conflict in how we feel. It is normal and natural sister. Often times women will dream about x husbands thinking it is a sign that they should reunite, only to find that their x is still the same, has not changed and they get hurt all over again as they had built up a false expectation based on a dream. If you were meant to be with your x-surely Allah would give you stronger signs sister.

 

First you stated that you “somewhat got over him” which means you were on the way to healing from the relationship and about to move on. Then out of nowhere, you have this dream that you and he were reunited, in a good relationship, with him apologizing. It could be sister that in your process of healing from the break-up, in your subconscious you really wished it could have worked out, you may have wished that he would have apologized and in reality actually changed his behavior to that which is conducive for a good relationship. However, that is not how it turned out, although you may have wished it did.

 

Therefore, your dreams may be a reflection of your past hopes and wishes and not an indication of him missing you.  While I am sure you both may miss each other, dreams are most often a result of each individuals unresolved issues.  I would kindly suggest dear sister that you try to move on with your life, try not to read too much into this dream that is not there. Often dreams such as these are part of the healing process which includes both the reality of a situation as well as what we had wished it would be. I would kindly suggest that you make duaa to Allah to guide you towards what is ordained for you.  If you were meant to be with your x, you would be with him.  There would be stronger indicators which would include you x actively seeking your forgiveness and turning to Allah for help.

 

Insha’Allah sister you are able to get passed these dreams and feelings and continue on your path of healing.  Nothing that is meant for you will pass you by nor will chasing after an illusion bring you what you may still desire.  Please do rely on Allah, draw closer to Allah swt for guidance and direction and know that Allah knows best concerning you, your x and the future.

 

We wish you the best and do hope you move on with your life!

 

 

I am in depression about one year. I can't explain how I feel all time. I can't share anything with anyone. All time I feel that Allah is punishing me for my sins. I left all my past sins. But I can't feel peace in my heart. I pray five times. I do tawba. All time I feel there is no way for. Allah doesn't live me. think I am getting mad day by day. I can't talk with anyone. I feel fear to do outside. I feel scared to do anything.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

I am so sorry to hear you are depressed and feeling unloved. It is not a good feeling and I can imagine you are suffering greatly. Please know that depression is quite common worldwide and it is treatable. However, sadly a lot of people do not seek treatment and just let the years roll by in an unhappy state of mind when the issues could have been addressed and insha’Allah resolved.

What I am basically saying sister is that you do not have to continue to feel this way, there is help available if you just reach out, commit yourself to counseling, healing and starting a new journey in life that is happy.  This is in no way suggesting that it is an easy step, I know!  It is often very difficult for one who is depressed to reach out. And, I am so proud of you to reaching out to us here at AboutIslam and I pray Allah guides us to provide you with inspirational words from the heart that will help you.

As you stated you feel Allah is punishing you for your sins, please know sister that the sins we commit are forgiven if we truly repent and pray for forgiveness. In fact, it states in the Qur’an (1) that

“ Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”

As you must know dear sister, Allah is most merciful and Allah loves to forgive!  As you love Allah very much and expressed such remorse in your question to us, do you not think that Allah has forgiven you?  Allah loves to forgive.   It may be you sister, who is unable to forgive yourself. We all sin sister, alhumdulilah we can go to Allah and ask for forgiveness and alhumdulilah Allah loves to forgive. However often times when we repent and ask for forgiveness, we don’t let it go as we are supposed to-we hang on to the guilt of the very things we are seeking forgiveness for.

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Instead of just giving it to Allah and trusting in His mercy, we hang on to it and ruminate upon it and worry and get sad, scared and depressed when in fact, we gave it to Allah and we should trust in Him and leave it in the past.  Sister, often when we are depressed, things can appear distorted and hopeless.  But if you read, believe and apply the words of the Qur’an to your life and especially your current situation, you will insha’Allah find great relief.

In addition to your depression sister, it also sounds like you may be suffering from anxiety and or panic disorder as well as possible agoraphobia (2) which is basically a product of panic-anxiety disorder.  It is a fear of going out to places that are ‘unsafe”.  Please do read the article as it may give you some insight into what you are feeling.  Sister,  I cannot diagnose you, only a counselor who has assessed you can make a correct diagnosis regarding both your depression and your possible anxiety/panic.

Therefore, I highly encourage you, dear sister, to seek out professional counseling as soon as possible to resolve these issues.  There is no need to have to feel this way when there is help available.  Additionally, I do not think that your issues are spiritual but do think that your fears and worries about your sins are a by-product of your mental health status namely the possible depression, anxiety/panic.

Please rest assure that Allah does love you sister, He loves you very much.  Allah loves you so much that He wants you to heal from the torment you are going through.  Allah created people who have become doctors, nurses, counselors, psychologists, teachers, etc. to help people.  We all need professional help from time to time and now is your time. Remember, Allah helps those who help themselves.  I have full confidence in you sister that you can and will get the help you need.  Please do get counseling sister as a wonderful life is awaiting you.  Draw close to Allah, trust in His promises and mercy and utilize the resources He has provided for help and healing.

You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.

1-https://quran.com/39/53

2-https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/agoraphobia#1

As-salamu aalikum, my friend loves a guy. They used to text every day until they realized that its haram. He promised her to talk to her parents next year. But now she is confused about him. If he is the right guy or not. He likes random girls photos on Instagram. it bothers her so much. She even asked him not to like their pics. He ignored. He still likes their pics. She's confused if she should get married to him or get married to the guy her parents choose?



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. As I understand it, your friend is in love with a guy that she has been texting. As you did not say how they met, where he lives or if they have even met in person, I am wondering if they met online?  If so the situation may be more complicated from her viewpoint as nothing has been secured in person. This is to mean that they have basically a virtual relationship until they are able to meet in a halal way in person. As you know, many ‘relationships’ online can be an illusion wherein two people meet and expect one thing and it turns out to be another.

 

Often times online people will get friendly with each other and plan for marriage when in fact they know deep down inside that it will never happen, yet they enjoy the attention and ‘feelings’ it produces. This is why your friend’s “friend” is liking other girls Instagram pictures and doing whatever else online as it feels good to him and he probably enjoys the attention he gets despite it hurting your friend’s feelings. This is not a real relationship sister, and this can be dangerous as it can lead to haram acts,  false expectations and hurt feelings as you see now with your friend. Any relationship that is being contemplated should be pursued in the context of Islamic rulings and guidelines.

 

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If this person was serious about your friend, he would have requested her parent’s contact as soon as possible to express his interest in her. Also, his liking other girls photo’s even when it hurts her is an indication of his not really caring about her feelings which is a sign that he is really not serious about her. When a man is serious about a woman, about marriage, he does things that are first and most importantly pleasing to Allah swt and also please to his intended future wife. These actions are not pleasing at all.  His behavior also is an indication that he is not ready to get married.

 

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you encourage your friend to let go of this guy as he appears to be a player, not serious, and not ready for marriage.  Besides, if he is acting this way now, what makes her think he will change once they are married?  In most cases how one acts during courtship usually transfers into the marriage as it is a part of the character. I seriously doubt he would suddenly change but Allah knows best. I would kindly suggest she leave him alone to avoid future hurt and focus on her future with a potential spouse elsewhere.

 

As far as who her parents have chosen for her, really that is up to her. Has she had time to get to know him?  Do they have some common interests?  Is he one of good Islamic character? Does she feel they could make a connection after marriage?  Do they enjoy each others company?  Does she like his family? These are all important questions to ask oneself when contemplating marriage, regardless of how they are introduced. While parents are good resources, they may have someone in mind who is truly not compatible for her.

 

Only your friend can know if the one her parents have chosen for her is the right one for her, and she should take every step possible to find out-in a halal way of course.  Your friend will be the one married to him, not her parents, therefore, she must make the assessment herself and decide.    If he is not the one for her,  it is within her right to reject her parent’s choice for in Islam no one is to be married against their will nor to one who they know they do not care for.

 

These rights regarding marriage are very wise alhumdulilah as it can save a lot of pain in the future. I am guessing that your friend is around your age, so she is still young with lots of things to keep her busy such as work, school, family and socializing. While it is good to get married young, it is not good to marry the wrong person just for the sake of getting married. I would encourage her sister, to take her time and wait if necessary. This is a huge decision and it is a life-impacting choice.

 

We wish her the best in her choices, she is in our prayers.

Many times unwanted and unexpected things come to our mind. In my case, it's about something bad about my parents' safety and health. god forbid that! But how can I control these thoughts, more importantly, can I ignore it? What should I do? Please help !



As-salamu alaykum dear brother,

 

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through and the unwanted thoughts that keep coming to your mind.  Surely these are frightening thoughts as our parents are so precious to us and we love them very much.  It can be a challenge to fight off these thoughts but it can be done insha’Allah.  Firstly, it is not unusual to have these thoughts at your age.  Around the early to mid 20’s people often begin to think about not only their own mortality but those of loved ones.

 

The 20’s is a time period wherein one is getting anchored in their own life, independence is usually completed as well as people usually begin to view themselves and others in terms of time.  Time can be in regards to attaining a solid career by a certain age, having a spouse by a certain age, staring a family and so one.  With this focus on goals and time comes the realization that nothing lasts forever!  A realization often clicks in wherein we look at ourselves or our loved ones and realize-yes, to Allah we all return!  While not all young people experience this, enough do as it has been discussed in mental health and development forums as well as research studies exploring the different variables surrounding this stage of life.  So in short brother, you are not alone in your thoughts and fears.

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I would like to ask you though to keep a journal.  Write down how many times a day (or week) you have these thoughts.  Also, write down your responses to these thoughts. Do you immediately call your parents to see if they are okay?  Do you perform some behavior to ease the anxiety such as pacing, or tapping your fingers, counting and so on.  If so, please include it in your journal.  I would also kindly suggest that each time you have these thoughts that you consciously try to stop these thoughts by either redirecting your thinking to an engaging task, doing dhkir,  or by picturing a big red stop sign every time you begin to get these thoughts.  It may take some time an efforts brother but with consistency you should be able to get these thoughts under control.

 

If you find through your journaling as well as through your efforts to stop these thoughts that they are in fact too numerous and too powerful to reduce/stop, you may want to consider getting evaluated for obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).  Persistent and uncontrollable intrusive thoughts are sometimes caused by OCD which is related to anxiety and is treatable.  This NIH (1) states that “Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a common, chronic and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over”.  Please do seek out an assessment and counseling if you feel this may be the case for you.  You can find more information on anxiety and OCD on the internet.

 

Lastly and more importantly brother is the fact that we do all return to Allah eventually. Only Allah swt knows our time here. I would kindly suggest that you increase your study of the Qur’an, Islam in general as well as attend the Masjid as much as you can.  This will help you in your fears of losing your parents or fears for your parents well being and health. As you draw closer to Allah, you will find comfort knowing that all things are in His control.  As Muslims most of us don’t want to die or face calamities however as Muslims, we do look to the day when we will be with Allah as to Him is our return.  This life is but a temporary test.  It states in the Qur’an  (2)

“Who, when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return”.

Please seek counseling brother if you cannot control these thoughts after efforts, you are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

 

1-https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/index.shtml

2-https://quran.com/2/156

I recently got engaged. I have never met the guy, just saw him, never talked to him. He belongs to our extended family. Now, the problem is I said yes under societal pressure. My parents asked me and because people around me kept worrying me with my age, I said yes. I was hoping things wouldn't proceed because my parents will realize that the fiance's family's financial position is point. But my parents looked for the best and said yes to them. I was engaged but ever since I have been depressed. His whole family depends on his pay which is just a starting pay in his job. The main thing is our family used to support his family, and I feel we will never be able to see each other on an equal level. I don't ever want him to feel low, but ever since my engagement, I keep feeling worthless and my self-esteem is down. I feel I deserved someone more established. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. Moreover, everyone, including his sister tells me that he is very very quiet. I am opposite and love to talk and confident. This incompatibility also bothers me. I pray istikhara almost every day. Still, my heart isn't satisfied. I can't say no. Some complicated family history. And my saying no will create rifts and make my parents very unhappy, which I don't want. Please help me. I have tried starting an online business to keep occupied and try to be financially independent, but I haven't been successful in that. All of this makes me depressed and wishing for an escape. Tell me what to do?



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to us with your concerns.  Sister, it is your right to marry whomever it is (providing they meet the Islamic requirements) that you feel you are compatible with, to one whom you feel compliments you and you him; to one who you would be happy with and he will be happy with you.

 

While your parents have your best interests at heart, it is you who will be actually married to this man and have to live with him.  If you are unhappy now, chances are you may be even unhappier when and if you marry him.  As you are engaged at this point, you do have choices.  Regardless of causing family rifts or causing drama or hurt feelings, it is much better to end this now rather than go on to marry him and possibly live a life of misery.

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I would kindly ask you, however, to do one thing sister- get to know him!  There is nothing haram about getting to know a potential future spouse by spending time with him in a halal setting.  As you stated you have only seen him but never met him, perhaps you should make efforts to set up meetings wherein the two of you can discuss things and get to know one another.

 

Please do bring a list of questions and issues you have regarding your proposed life together such as how many children you both would like,  how you both will live and where, etc.  Also, you may want to inquire about his interests and hobbies to see if you have anything in common there.  Ask about his Islam and if he is actively practicing. Share your dreams and plans for the future and ask about his. While the financial issue is one of concern,  perhaps it is an honorable thing that he is dedicated to working hard to provide for his family rather than just sitting back or rather than just taking all the money for himself.  This shows he is responsible sister and will likely take care of you as well.  Granted perhaps not in the way you are used to, but his efforts are there.

 

You may want to ask him about his future plans for his career and money management. Perhaps this entry level job is one he does not plan to keep but perhaps he is motivated to acclimate in his field of work.  The thing is sister, you may never know about him or his plans, goals, hopes, and dreams unless you talk to him and get to know him.  You may be pleasantly surprised at who he actually is, rather than what you have heard.  There is often a big difference!

 

Often times we miss out on Allah’s blessings and the good things Allah has for us because we think it is not for us or we don’t take the time to get to know a person or situation.  I would first recommend you get to know this man without preconceived ideas or notions. We cannot pick our families  (and it is not his fault your family had to support his family) but we can pick our spouses. I would kindly suggest dear sister that you get to know this man first, then make a decision.

 

If it turns out there is no connection at all and he is totally not your type and you cannot see a future with this man, then, by all means, call off the marriage.  Again, this is your right as a Muslima and really it is his right too.  What man would want to be married to someone who does not respect or like him?  So by calling off the wedding, you are doing yourself, him and both families a favor as a future marriage than is unhappy and miserable will only bring pain to all involved.

 

Please do explore your options to get to know him first dear sister,  insha’Allah you will discover a person whom you like and respect.  However, if you still feel there is too much incompatibility, call off the marriage no matter the consequences.  You have the right to be happy and so does he.   You are in our prayers dear sister, We wish you both the best.

We are a recently married older couple. We met online, spoke for 6 months before getting married. My wife has a high sex drive. She has mentioned this in a round about way bit when I said it she was very upset and cried. After we made up a few days later I foolishly joked that I might not be enough for her and she may need someone else. It was an inappropriate joke but, in my opinion, she has overreacted by crying and saying I have hurt her so bad and that I am questioning her chastity. I have apologized on numerous occasions. I have promised not to joke about sex, ect. I am a widower with 3 children. Single for 3 years. Loved my wife dearly. My wife married late after spending 5 years looking after her mum. Had an arranged marriage that lasted a year. Her husband did not provide and was emotionally abusive.



As salamu alaykum brother,

 

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through with your wife. It sounds like she has misconstrued what you said and took it the wrong way. As you are a newly married couple, you are still learning each others ways and personalities.  There will be some conflicts and this is to be expected, however, the key lies in forgiveness, communication and a dedication to working things out. Communication is very important in marriage.   It is said that communication can make or break a marriage, it is that vital.

 

While your wife may be sensitive perhaps there is a reason.  As you stated she was in an abusive first marriage perhaps her x husband use to accuse her of cheating or needing or being with other men, possibly abusing  her physically thinking she did.  This, if true-may

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This, if true-may be one reason for her response, you unknowingly triggered her past pain. I would kindly suggest dear brother that when things are calm that you sit with her in a nice atmosphere and talk with her about her x husband.  It may be difficult (for you both) but in the long run the more you know about what happened to her the better you will be able to avoid her triggers as well as help her heal insha’Allah. It may be possible that she has not told you the extent of the abuse.

 

Perhaps it was so severely emotional that she is suffering from trauma or it could even have been physical abuse. For cases of abuse, if she has not already done so, I would highly recommend that she get counseling for any residual issues so that they do not affect the current marriage to you.  Sadly, some women from abusive relationships may have trust issues as well as sensitivities due to the abuse they experienced.  With patience, love, and consistency, however, you can help her get over these trauma’s insha’Allah.

 

You sound like a wonderful husband, you just need to get to know your wife better as she needs to get to know you!  Marriage, as you know, is work.  It is a joy, but in that joy are also things that may need to be healed, nurtured and addressed. With counseling Insha’Allah, with help, this will pass and you both will continue to get to know one another and bond closer, looking towards a wonderful life ahead.

 

I would kindly suggest dear brother that you and your wife take Islamic marriage classes. They are offered at a lot of Masjids, perhaps there is one in your area. While you both have been married before you may feel, well why should we?  However, you have not been married to each other before! Marriage classes are for the young, the older, the first time married and those who have been previously married.

 

Classes usually help you both explore your communication styles,  personalities, commonalities and differences, strengths and weaknesses which can help you both bond as a newly married couple. Classes also cover Islamic principles and guidelines as well as tips and skills to enhance the marriage.

 

Also, please do try to pray with your wife as often as possible, read Qur’an together, take walks and spend quality time doing uplifting activities to bring you closer to each other and Allah.   As far as her desires for lovemaking, trying to accommodate her needs as much as possible without the comments said in the jovial small talk.  While sometime in the future she may see them as loving or cute, right now is not the time.  Continue first, building those bridges and bonds with her.   We wish you both the best brother, please let us know how you’re doing.

 

We wish you both the best brother, please let us know how you’re doing.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.