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Ask the Counselor- Counseling Session

Hannah Morris
25 September, 2017

Salam Alaikum Dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Mories, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Sunday, Sep. 24, 2017 | 09:00 - 11:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu alaikum. I'm sick, almost two years ago I was pregnant, during my pregnancy I had loose motion & vomiting, after my pregnancy I was admitted to hospital for committing & loose motion 2 to 3 times. Now I'm diagnosed with celiac disease & my symptoms match so, I never had bad feelings for others, no difficulty while praying, now my health is low, and no spirit as before for salaah, I feel scared when ayah of kufr is recited, I want to be as before, I want to get rid of the bad inside me which has developed recently.Not able to concentrate. Please Help.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Sorry to hear that you have been going through some serious health problems which seem to have been unfortunately impacting on your worship and levels of eman.

 

First, let me reassure you that everyone’s eman goes up and down over time. Even the most pious of people and scholars will go through this also. The key is to not let it overtake you and do your best to boost your eman once more.

 

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Being sick and experiencing such terrible symptoms for a prolonged amount of time can easily get you down and impact on your worship as it becomes more difficult due to feelings of pain or distraction with thoughts of the illness itself.This then will commonly impact on the level of eman as you find it hard to concentrate in prayer or offer any voluntary acts of worship which makes it difficult to maintain a steady level of eman. Often eman can drop along with your health status.

 

However, you can switch this around and actually use your poor health as a means to boost your eman. I can guarantee that however bad your health is, there are also many others that are in a worse place than you, either with regards to the actual condition they have or perhaps lack of support or even lack of access to facilities that could potentially ease their ill health.

 

So, amongst all this try to be grateful that it’s not worse as you remember those in a worse state than you right now. Even beyond illness, you have many things to be grateful for. Allah has blessed you with many things that others don’t have. Take a bit of time at the end of each day to write down or think about 3 good things that have happened to you that day. If you struggle to think of anything, then remember that it can even be things as simple as having your 5 senses, having your limbs, or that you had food to eat that day. Many Don’t even have these simple blessings that we often take for granted.

 

Try to always make time for yourself each day also, even if it is just 15 minutes to focus on yourself, to do something that you enjoy. You might even start a new hobby or do something new that gives you a chance to achieve something for yourself also. This can be a great boost to psychological wellbeing, which will impact positively on your health and eman also.

 

You will also find that as your eman increases, your health will also follow too. It works 2 ways, poor health can bring your eman down, but changing your mindset to a more positive one can also serve as a means to use your health to actually boost your eman too.

 

Amongst all this don’t give up on your salat. Even if it feels like a burden at first, like you can’t concentrate, then push through, reject Shaytan’s whispers and pray anyway. Be patient and eventually, you will conquer it in sha Allah.

 

Remember Allah throughout the day to protect you from Shaytan’s whispers as well as boosting your eman as you remember Allah more often. This can be very simple things that don’t require much effort on your part, but remember to say bismillah before everything you do and make the recommended du’as for things like entering and leaving your house will keep the name of Allah fresh on your tongue.

 

May Allah bring you ease with your illness and give you the strength and patience to continue work on increasing your eman. May you find peace and happiness in the remembrance of Allah.

 

 

 

I have been married for 8 years, my relationship with my husband was very good till 5 years after marriage.Then a Bengali couple came to work at my husband's office, they are in a relation. My husband got very influenced by their lifestyle, he spent his whole time with them; going movies and shopping in vacations with them. He never understood my feelings, I'm a practicing Muslim woman, I don't like to be open with other men except for my husband. Earlier, I used to fight with him but now I have calmed myself and left everything to Allah. He used to feel lonely without me but now he just has forgotten me. Our sex life was good but now I'm shattered. I stopped arguing and I'm trying to do my best to take care of my children. I talked to some scholars and all of them told he has black magic cast on him, I'm trying to change myself. That girl is very attached to him; she calls him up at late nights sends me messages that don't seem nice. Please help me out what dua should I read? I read many but still I think it's not enough.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is sad to read that after a strong marriage for so long that things seem to be falling apart now. It is understandable why this is causing you such distress.

 

Let me begin by reassuring you that you are doing a good thing to remain strong for the sake of children. Stepping back and leaving it to Allah will make things a lot more comfortable for you. So, even though times are difficult never give up on this and continue to pray to Allah to change things for the better.

 

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However, sitting back and doing nothing about it will not change things, you also need to be active in encouraging this change also, so amongst the du’a there are some other things you can try too to ease the situation.

 

Make sure to continue to take of yourself, eat well, exercise, sleep well and mix with others. Give yourself something positive to rely on in your life also that will continue to give you boosts in your wellbeing. You could also make this a part of being a positive influence on him.

 

So, for example, if you have friends who you know have good husbands who you would be happy for your husband to spend time with, then you might consider asking them around for dinner. This way you can feel comfortable that your husband will be mixing with a good man who might in sha Allah have a positive influence on him and might overcome his desire for friendship with the people who seem to be having a bad impact on him.

 

If it is a case of black magic then make sure to protect yourself and your household from this. We should always take care to do this anyway as the likes of an evil eye..etc. can be cast any time even by people without knowing. Make sure to say your morning and evening adhkar and a means of protection all day every day and doing other acts such as reciting or playing Surah Baqarah in your house is also a good way to protect you from such calamities also.

 

Make your du’as at the best times, so when in sujood, or whilst praying tahajud or when breaking your fast if you ever offer any voluntary fasts. Then are many authentic du’as to be read during times of distress, but remember it’s not necessarily that reading more of them will make them any more effective, but it’s about the sincerity when you offer them and having the conviction that Allah is listening and will answer you and make things easier.

 

As for the messages being sent to both you and your husband try as much as possible to disregard them and encourage your husband to also as paying attention to them and allowing them to affect you will only impact on your relationship more which is possibly what this woman wants, or if not her, then certainly the Shaytan loves to sow discord between husband and wife.

 

It’s quite normal for marriages to change with time, especially after having kids and it can be quite easy to attribute these changes to other things, such as the influence of others, so also try to see it as something that might just have occurred due to becoming used to each other. So, in addition to protecting yourself from what might have happened, do also work on your relationship as a couple to try and put that spark back where it seems to be missing.

 

Do fun things together that you both enjoy, spend time alone together, ask someone you trust to take care of the children for a few hours so that you can be alone together and either go out for dinner or cook for him at home, just the 2 of you. Talk and laugh about times you’ve had together and try to reignite the spark that was once there. You might even try something new together, start up a new hobby together, something that you can work together on and support each other.

 

Be patient, never give up hope, if you are doing everything required and asking Allah then surely, He will help you at the right time. But for now, see it as attest, do all you can to protect yourself and your family and continue to a be a positive influence on your husband and in sha Allah he will snap out of it.

 

May Allah help you to overcome the difficulties you face in your marriage at present and make it easy for you to remain strong, patient and steadfast. May He bring you happiness and contentment into your marriage in both this life and the next.

Salam. I have a boyfriend who is two years older than me. He says he loves me and at some point I believed him. We've done some things that aren't Islamic at all. We haven't gone far wrong but we have wronged. I don't like the fact that we make all sorts of sins and whenever I'm alone I try as much as possible not to do any more wrongs. I try so hard to convince myself not to but whenever we meet I can't help but kiss him or hold him and the likes of it. I've prayed istikhara about him several times, more than just seven times but I can't seem to be able to figure out what my answer is. I only love him even more. I don't know what to do, though sometimes I feel like he's backing out or he loves me less than he used to but whenever I get a second opinion they always see things otherwise. Most times I want to ask him if he still has intentions of marrying me but I don't want to come off as desperate. What do I do?



As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

You have found a man that you’d like to marry and seem to love him very much, but you’re starting to doubt if he really intends to follow through to marriage with to you so now you are unsure about what to do despite praying istikhara.

 

Sister, it certainly is very important to make istikhara when making such important life-changing decisions, but you should also understand that the more time you spend with him beyond the bounds of what is Islamically acceptable these strong feelings will inevitably develop and will taint your view of what the results of your istikhara are, so please keep this in mind when trying to understand what Allah is truly guiding you to do.

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Naturally having spent some much time close together developing feeling for one another and taking things further than you should as you say, you will develop such feelings and this will make it hard for you to step back and decide whether you really are doing the right thing to pursue marriage to this man.

 

This is why Allah warns us about having relations with the opposite sex in such a way that we are alone together as the shaytan can and will interfere and encourage the couple to engage in inappropriate acts outside of marriage. Unfortunately, it seems you have fallen victim to this. However, since you have now already developed strong feelings for this man you cannot go back and change what has happened, but you can make sure you do all you can to rectify the situation to be more pleasing to Allah and ultimately more beneficial to you.

 

The best thing, to begin with, is to ask for Allah’s forgiveness. Allah loves to forgive and in sha Allah will accept your repentance. The next thing, as difficult as it may sound, is to avoid being in contact with this man alone because as you know yourself you have a hard time taking things a step further than they should be for a couple who aren’t even married. This might sound pretty harsh,  but for both, yours and his protection at this point is the best way to avoid falling into further sin. This is not just for your sake, but for his too. If you really love him then you will also not want him to got Allah’s punishment too.

 

If you are very serious about seeking marriage to this man, then make sure to do so in the most appropriate way. Therefore, ask your family to approach his, or at least for a representative of you to go to his family and speak further with them about moving forward with a marriage.

 

Alternatively, if you want him to be the one to make the move then do meet him again but ensure that you have a mahram with you so that you are able to keep things halal and appropriate as well as seeking marriage in a way that is more pleasing to Allah than how you have been so far. This way you can encourage him to be the one to make the move if he is serious about getting married.

 

You do also state your concerns about coming across as desperate so it might be that you make your intentions clear that you wish to get married and give him a certain amount of time to get serious about it and make plans. This is not something you necessarily need to say to him, but perhaps have in mind that maybe if he’s not done anything about it say 3 months on for example then maybe he isn’t serious and it’s time to move on. This is a time limit that you can set for yourself that feels most comfortable to you and that you feel able to wait for.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes and bring you happiness in this life and the next.

 

As-salamualaikum, I loved a girl and since one year we are engaged and after two months we are getting married. halls and everything are booked. Preparations are going on in our home. My concern is my fiancé had an affair a few years ago. She didn't tell me anything unless I got some chat from her account. I regret to read it, after that I asked her about this and the physical relationship with him. She confessed me that she went to his home 2 to 3 times and first she told me she did oral but later she told nothing happened like that I just told you because you were forcing me. I actually told her that I found some sucking some bad shit in your chat which I didn't but I just fake her to get the info then she told me yes I did AND later after few days she denied and she told me nothing happened like that. Her ex use to live alone in his home and she went there I have doubt that she might have sex with him but she denied she says she didn't even remove her clothes. Holding Quran she told me she didn't have any physical relationship like sex it was only physical touch. But when I ask her she just ignores and ran from me. she doesn't want to answer me anything. I don't know what to do I have no idea I am getting mad of thinking this. I met her twice before proposing we had oral and tried to engage in intercourse but however it didn't happen and it was just oral, even after engagement I tried to have sex but she cried and she wasn't ready for all this except oral. it may have happened but we were not having time. I regret doing that and I always seek forgiveness from Allah. I always pray and ask forgiveness for that. I can't leave her; I love her a lot, our families are very happy, she helped me a lot in my bad times, she loves me a lot, she helped me many times and she never asked me about my past. she always cares for me. I don't want to leave her but I don't know what is wrong with me why I am hurting her asking these questions. and she is not answering me correctly. I don't know women I don't know how it feels I don't know why she is not answering and this makes me feel that she had Sex. She offers all prayers, I can't imagine any other girl as my wife but her but I am feeling very down and depressed of thinking that. Please help me in this Thank You.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Masha Allah you will soon be married but, unfortunately, you are having some issues before you have even sealed the marriage and this is understandably making you feel anxious. There are a number of things here that need addressing.

 

Firstly, you went looking for things about her behind her back is an immediate breach of trust. The fact that you searched for this information suggests you don’t trust her in the first place. Understand how that makes her feel and why this makes her feel withdrawn and not talk. Whether it’s true or not she will feel betrayed that you went behind her back essentially spying on her like that. Furthermore, you deceived her to get some kind of confession, so why would she talk to you? Understand here that as much as you feel betrayed, she is probably also feeling exactly the same way too.

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Remember also that she is not even obliged to give you any information about her past sex life, regardless of whether it was haram or not, since you are not married. This is not your business. As you are not married, this couldn’t even be called adultery whether what she did was haram or not, but it is no way cheating on you.

 

You should also keep in mind here that any sexual relations between you and her before marriage is also haram. As you can see first hand, such relations can easily lead to a lack of trust and shows why this is not ok before marriage.

 

However, despite these difficulties, we can focus on the positives of the situation also. You had done the right thing in asking for forgiveness. This is a very honorable thing to do. May Allah forgive you and your future spouse. Furthermore, you have good family support from both sides and this can be incredibly helpful for a successful marriage and is something to be very grateful for as not all marriages are blessed with this.

 

The most important thing at this point isn’t hat you overcome these trust issues because beginning a marriage without trust will not place your marriage in a good place, to begin with so please do keep in mind what I said at the start when trying to overcoming this; understand things from her perspective, respect the fact her sexual history has nothing to do with you and anything up until now really is a cheat on you as you are not even married.

 

Also, don’t spy on or deceive her as a this will also contribute to mistrust between the 2 of you. Instead, focus in the positives, stay strong, continue to ask for forgiveness, support each other and appreciate the blessing of family support that you have as a couple.

 

May Allah bless your marriage and make you both the coolness of each others eyes bringing you both happiness in this life and the next.

 

 

Assalamu Alaikum. My problem is last year around October I was engaged to a man. But things did not go as planned. Recently around March, I met someone else and just a few months ago we got engaged and still, things are not going normal because his mother is not in support. Please, I need your assistance. I don't know if the problem is from me or it's from them. I need a dua or dua's that will make me get a very responsible and god fearing husband at the earliest. Thank you very much.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is unfortunate when 2 people desire to get married but don’t have the support of their families, even if it is just one member, such as the man’s mum as in your case. It certainly will make for an easier, more stress-free marriage if the family supports the couple, but it is no means a must and therefore does not necessarily have to stand in the way of you pursuing the marriage to this man if that is what you want and you are going about it in the way that is most pleasing to Allah (i.e not meeting with him alone, always ensuring you have a mahram present).

 

It is recommended to marry young so you are right to desire to marry earlier. This is in the wisdom that marriage protects us from many sins as well as allow us to have our needs met; both physical and emotional. Therefore, if you wish to stick by this you are left with the option of pushing this marriage forward as quickly as possible since presently if you are not married, relations between you, except in the presence of your mahram are impermissible.

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However, if you feel the lack of his mother’s support will make it difficult for you, then since you are not actually married you under no obligation to do so and can seek marriage elsewhere. If this is the case be sure to involve both families so that you can be aware of any difficulties that certain family members might have with the marriage right from the very start to avoid being in the situation that you are presently in.

 

If you are serious about marrying this man, then perhaps the first thing you can do is to make things work with his mother and win her support. You could either try approaching her yourself to talk to her about it and find out why she does not support your marriage, or if this will not be comfortable for you then a better option might be to go with your family to meet her and his family to develop good relations between the family. This will help to reassure her that her son is marrying into a good family and might make her feel more comfortable about the situation.

 

Approaching her as a family will also help her to understand that you are serious about the marriage and are a respectable young woman that will be good for her son. Do also understand that many parents are reluctant about their children getting married and will always worry about if they are marrying the right person. The spouse is then left feeling like they will never be good enough or meet up to their expectations, but this is not necessarily an intended insult to the spouse, but merely a sign of their protective nature. In this case, all you can do is be patient with them and continue to show them your kind nature and In sha Allah in time they will adjust.

 

It might be that you try these things first whilst paying istikhara to ask Allah to guide you to make the best decision about whether to continue to pursue this marriage. Perhaps if it is not meant to be then Allah will continue to make relations difficult despite trying all you can to win his mum over. It may also be that Allah puts something in your heart that you are willing to bear it with patience and prayer that she will eventually change her attitude towards the marriage. If things don’t work out and you have a feeling they never will, then you are free to move on and try other options.

 

Either way, as you have stated you would prefer for this to happen soon so you can marry early. In this case, if you decide to go ahead with the marriage don’t extend the engagement any longer and if not then begin the search elsewhere. Perhaps you might decide on a certain amount of time that you continue to try to win the support of his mother and make the ultimate choice of whether it’s best to pursue this marriage with the patience of move on.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes and bring you happiness in this life and the next.

As-salamu alaikum, I was in love with a person for almost 6 years. We were in a strong love, he loved me but another woman enter into his life, and now he is under her control. She is his business partner, they lived few months together, he said he had no bad relation with her, but when she comes he started to avoid me. Now he doesn't talk to me too, totally avoiding me. I can't live without him. I want to marry him, I want him back. Please advice!



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is understandable why you are feeling this way after having developed feelings for this man for such long time. The unfortunate thing in this scenario is that since you weren’t married, any relations with him were haram during this time. Given that you are not married he is also under no obligation to stick by your side and is free to be with this other woman.

 

You can use this scenario, both with yourself and with this other woman as a warning that perhaps he is not the best choice of spouse as he was happy to have relations with you, regardless of whether it was physical love outside of marriage when he should have been respecting your need to be with a mahram when any interactions took place between you.

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This is something that Allah has made clear to us for our own protection. You have now seen first hand why Allah has made this ruling so; because feelings can easily develop between a man and woman if they seek a relationship outside of marriage. He has however allowed us to have close relationships with our spouses which is why marriage is an important protection from such scenarios occurring so that we can have both physical and emotional needs met in a way that is also pleasing to Allah.

 

However, this does not take away the way you are feeling now and you cannot take back what has happened between you. You can, however, learn from the situation to ensure that the same does not occur again. Hopefully, after this experience you will now realise the importance of having a mahram present and seeking marriage soon in order to meet the needs of both partners and allow love to develop in a halal way.

 

The first step at this point is to make istighfar. Seek Allah’s forgiveness for having haram relations with this man and surely Allah loves to forgive and will guide you forward in your current scenario. If it is that you still desire to move forward with a marriage to this man then ensure to do so in the most appropriate way, so perhaps have your family approach him with a proposal so that you can make the relationship halal.

 

However, you must also understand that having developed such feelings outside of marriage can also have a negative impact on a potential marriage to this person, especially when it comes to issues of trust. Trust is a vital component of a marital relationship and therefore might make things difficult even before you actually get married, so please do think very hard about pursuing this option.

 

Don’t lose hope in finding another man if things don’t work out with this man, just have faith that Allah has something much better for you and continue to pray that He will send that person to you when the time is right.

 

If you choose to move on then perhaps give yourself a bit of time to overcome the way you are feeling before reaching out for potential proposals. Make sure to get loved ones involved to assist you in the process and initiating any meeting and helping you to find the most suitable partner. You can also be sure that if you meet in this way that the man is perhaps more likely to be a righteous man who wants to approach marriage in the way ordained by Allah that does not involve any meetings alone before marriage.

 

This will also give you the chance to get to know him a bit and decide if he is a good man and the right man for you. Before going ahead with this you do need to give yourself enough time to make sure any emotions you had towards the previous man have passed enough that you view of any other potential suitor will be clouded. This is why it is also important to involve other loved ones to get a better idea of such men based on what they know of you.

 

Overall, it is possible that you could marry this man, but if you do, please make sure that you understand how past relations with him could impact on the marriage and make sure to approach it in the most appropriate way. Otherwise, give yourself time to move on and seek marriage elsewhere.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes and bring you happiness in this life and the next.

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